Fantasy League 2022 -- week 3 recap

OK, I’ll be that guy.

Everyone is all jazzed in Philly about how good the team looks and what their potential is. But there are huge red flags with this squad, and fans should be realistic about their ceiling.

For starters, the second-half offense has been dreadful. The team has shown only sporadic signs of life, and hasn’t been able sustain any momentum.

The defense is still shaky. Yes, they made improvements, especially in the middle of the field. But it still feels soft, and you have to worry when they’re going to make a key mistake and cost the team a game.

And let’s talk about leadership. Do you have confidence that the stars on this team can step up and be leaders? Sure, the new guys have looked great, and the young guys are coming along nicely. But great teams have those intangibles in the locker room, and right now you have to question whether these guys have that.

So, everyone needs to calm down. Yes, things have gone better than expected. But for everyone thinking about a deep playoff run for this group, there needs to be a dose of realism.

The fact is even with all their accomplishments so far, the Phillies are still only a sixth place team in the East. A playoff spot isn’t guaranteed.

Now, if you want to talk about a team to get irrationally excited about, it’s the Eagles. It’s pretty obvious that 15-2 is the worst this team can finish and I’ve already booked tickets to Arizona for the Super Bowl in February. That’s a sure thing.

QB: Lamar Jackson, 47.42 pts — started by me
WR: DeVonta Smith, 21.51 pts — started by Mom D
RB: Khalil Herbert, 30.00 pts — on the wire
TE: Mark Andrews, 21.93 pts — started by Ant
K: Greg Zuerlein, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: (tie) Philadelphia, 21.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: (tie) Denver, 21.00 pts — started by Sam
D: Denzel Ward, 11.50 pts — on the wire

We’re just three weeks into the season and Jackson, the former MVP, already has 12 total TDs and a 20-point lead in the fantasy standings. As someone who had him on a fantasy team last year, when he stunk, and this year, when he is awesome, I’m feeling somewhat conflicted right now. But I’ll take the points.

Welcome to the top performers, DeVonta Smith. All it took was a career day featuring eight catches for 169 yds, one TD, a 12-yard rush and an afternoon of embarrassing the Commie secondary. Not bad for a guy who everyone thought was washed up after a bad week one.

I don’t know how a Bears RB got on this list, I assure you the league is investigating now.

“Players we own” edition

3rd place: CJ Beathard, -0.10 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Sky Moore, -1.76 pts — on my bench
1st place: Chargers, -6.00 pts — started by Mike

Sky Moore was my deep pick to be a surprise rookie this year, since the Chiefs have no clear top wideout. Instead, he’s worth 2.14 fantasy pts through three games. So it may be time to cut him.

Congrats to the Chargers, the first team to bottom out in defensive fantasy pts this season. Minus-six means they allowed more than 35 pts (38, to be exact) and recorded no turnovers, no sacks and no signs of life. In fairness, though they were facing the vaunted … Jacksonville offense. So that makes sense.


** Here’s a brief recap of the Auburn/Missouri game:

— With two seconds left and the score tied at 14, Missouri lined up for a 28-yard FG … and missed, sending the game into overtime.

— Facing 4th and 12 in overtime, Auburn lined up for a 44-yard FG … and missed … but Missouri jumped offside, so they got another chance. They connected and took a 17-14 lead.

— On Missouri’s second play of overtime, from the 20-yard line, RB Nathaniel Peat ran around the end and down the sideline for a 19-yard gain … at which point he fumbled the ball trying to reach for the goal line. Auburn recovered, Missouri lost, 17-14.

 
Not sure I’ve ever seen a team work that hard to lose. And I’ve watched a ton of NFC East games over the last decade.

** Headline on NFL.com on Sept. 18, just before the Eagles/Vikings Monday night game: “Will Justin Jefferson become NFL's first 2,000-yard receiver?”

Jefferson’s stat totals since then: two games, nine catches, 62 yds. If he keeps up that pace, he should finish the year with 618 receiving yards, or roughly the same production WR Laviska Shenault had last year. And, by the way, Shenault has two catches for 90 yds and a TD this week, so I’m waiting for his historic profile now.

** NBC word salad chef Chris Collinsworth gave this recap of the day’s action during the first quarter of the Sunday night game:

“The league got more interesting today, didn’t it? The Bills got beat, the Dolphins are in first place. The Giants, the Eagles, those two teams got beat.”

Solid work there. The Dolphins were already tied for first. The Eagles won. The Giants did get beat ... a day later, on Monday Night football. The Bills did lose, so I guess we should be happy that his rambling had a sliver of truth.
 

The Vikings and Saints square off early Sunday morning in the NFL’s first London game of the year. This will be the first time the NFL has ever played a game in a country ruled by a king (RIP Queen Elizabeth) so the league is making numerous changes to adapt to the new monarchy’s demands:

— An extra “U” will be added to most words in the broadcast to appease the local fans. The game will now feature QBs Kurk Cousins and Jamus Winstun and will be broadcast in America on Fox Sports Netwourk.

— The field will be converted to the metric system. Teams can get a first down after every 9.1 meters.

— Before the game, the fans will stand and sing “God Save the King” instead of the previous tradition of singing “Wonderwall.”

— As a coronation gift, the NFL will give the new king the Jacksonville Jaguars. 

— Joe Buck will be beheaded before the game for crimes against the crown, specifically for ruining the English language.


Most of the Cowboys’ rookie class has been quiet so far this season, both on and off the field. That may seem surprising, but when you start to look closer at them, you understand why. Take, for instance, first round draft pick Tyler Smith. The Cowboys said they drafted him because they liked his “intangibles.” What they really liked was what his name clearly spells out:

Dallas Rookie Tackle Tyler Smith
** A total mockery. Lad likes Hitlers.

Liking one Hitler is bad enough. But liking multiple Hitlers? Disgusting. This team has no shame.

** Dad and I split the weekly picks again this week, although I wish we hadn’t. I knew the New Jersey Giants would lose to the Cowboys but was hoping for a 2-2 tie to embarrass both squads. Dad remains up 2 in the season standings, but I’ll fix that next week.

** Since Joanna asked, if the Eagles/Commies game had ended in a 24-2 score, it would not have been the first time in NFL history a game ended on those numbers. In fact, it has happened three other times, including in the 2012 playoffs (when the Giants beat the Falcons). BUT, Sunday’s 24-8 game was only the second time in NFL history a game has ended with that score. The other time was in October 1975 when the Houston Oilers beat the Lions, and who doesn’t remember that epic contest...

** As predicted, the only two undefeated NFL teams left are the Eagles and the Dolphins. And yes, those two teams have met in the Super Bowl before … in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. So I guess get ready for weeks and weeks of Jim Carrey clips.

 

Week 3 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 3-0/393.18 pts
2 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 2-1/437.26 pts
3 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt Awesome), 2-1/420.62 pts
4 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 2-1/355.52 pts
5 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 2-1/335.48 pts
6 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 1-2/367.36 pts
7 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 0-3/367.24 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-3/189.66 pts

And we have a new leader in the family clubhouse. Aunt Elieen’s upset of my squad coupled with Mom’s win over Uncle Jim puts both of the Garrity women at the top of the standings. The men sit humbled lower down, for now. (Although I would point out I’m still way ahead of Mom in points).

This was also the first week that Dak Prescott didn’t have the lowest scoring team — they beat Jim’s squad by 10 pts. Lucky for him it wasn’t a head-to-head matchup.

Awesome Cup standings

1 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 392.31 pts
2 — Champ For Life (Jo), 388.11 pts
3 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 387.73 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 382.75 pts
5 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 357.32 pts
6 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 356.69 pts
7 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 355.93 pts
8 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 328.17 pts
9 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 300.89 pts
10 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 287.97 pts
11 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 282.58 pts
12 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 271.97 pts

And just like that, the streak is over. Joanna just missed making it a full calendar year atop the Awesome Cup leaderboard, but Lamar Jackson and my team did just enough to spoil her fun, at least for a moment. With just 4.2 pts separating our teams, I’m not running any victory laps yet.

Mom D actually had the best week of any team, totaling 154.71 pts and pulling herself up from 8th place to 4th. At the other end, Mike continues to tumble, thanks in large part to that negative Chargers defense and the continued ineptitude of Russell Wilson.

Now is a good time to get those rosters set for the Thursday night game — a Dolphins/Bengals matchup with a lot of key fantasy guys involved. And that stupid Saints/Vikings game starts at 930am, so make sure to check your roster again on Saturday night. And then twice on Sunday. You know what? Just stare at your team until this time next week, when I get the next recap up.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 2 recap

The Eagles snagged an impressive early season win against the Vikings on Monday night, but the celebration over the victory was marred Tuesday morning with the announcement that several players and staff are facing criminal prosecution for their actions during the contest. Here’s a look at the pending charges:

Theft (S Daris Slay): His second interception of the night was particularly egregious, given that as he grabbed the ball he also stole Kirk Cousins’ soul right out of his body. He’s also facing three counts of attempted robbery for dropped picks.

Assault (QB Jalen Hurts): His 26-yard TD run in the second quarter included brutalizing three defenders and then stepping over their crumbled bodies to get in the end zone. Paramedics noted that the scoreboard never recovered from the assault.

Public indecency (P Arryn Siposs): Following a blocked FG attempt, Siposs ran down Vikings CB Kris Boyd and tackled him to save a special teams TD. Authorities said that a punter outrunning a CB is not something that should be seen in civilized society.

Possession of stolen property (PG James Harden): Slay gave one of the footballs he stole to the Sixers star (watching the game from the expensive seats in the stands) so now he’s caught up in this legal controversy too.

Cannibalism (WR AJ Brown): At the end of the game, Brown bit off the head of a defender as a warning to future DBs. That apparently isn’t allowed anymore in the “woke” NFL.

Fraud (WR Justin Jefferson): Weird how Mr. “I’m going to be the first 2,000-yard receiver” was outgained by four different Eagles pass catchers.

QB: Tua Tagovailoa, 50.86 pts — on Jonathan’s bench
WR: Stefon Diggs, 33.87 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Nick Chubb, 29.93 pts — started by me
TE: Mark Andrews, 17.73 pts — started by Ant
K: Graham Gano, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Tampa Bay, 27.00 pts — started by Paul
D: Charles Harris, 10.50 pts — on the wire

I don’t care what you say, Slay was the top defensive performer of the week..

The two top QBs of the week were in the same contest on Sunday. Tua threw for 469 yds and 6 TDs in the Dolphins comeback 42-38 win over the Ravens, overshadowing Baltimore QB Lamar Jackson’s state line of 318 passing yds, 3 TDs, 119 rushing yds, 1 more TD (48.62 pts). After two weeks, Jackson is the top fantasy QB on the season and Tua is third, and the QB in between them is … Carson Wentz? Seriously? This league makes no sense.

“Funny names” edition

3rd place: Chuba Hubbard, -0.50 pts — on the wire
2nd place: DeeJay Dallas, -0.58 pts — on the wire
1st place: Brandon Powell, -1.42 pts — on the wire

Usually guys end up on this list because they muffed a punt or fumbled on their only carry. Powell went the extra step to earn his spot down here — he ran backwards 26 yds for a strategic fourth-quarter safety in the Rams win over the Falcons. Combined with some positive return yards, the special teams specialist is now in the lead for the fewest rushing yds on the season, with -23, just a mere 259 yds behind league leader Saquon Barkley.

Chuba Hubbard anagrams to “car had hubbub.” Just in case you were wondering.


** On Saturday night, while announcing an unrelated game, former QB Robert Griffin was reviewing the college football scores of the day and noted that Georgia’s 48-7 win over South Carolina shows that “they’re the only team out there right now that is really dominating.”

Also displayed on the screen while he said that:
#2 Alabama defeats UL Monroe 63-7
#3 Ohio State defeats Toledo 77-21
#4 Michigan defeats UConn 59-0

In fairness, from what we saw from Griffin’s pro career, looking at the second or third read was never his strong suit.

** Driving through the Philly burbs this weekend, I heard this ad on the radio:

“The Eagles take care when it comes to their personnel. And the Eagles take the same care when it comes to selecting their dentists. That’s why you should trust Dudhat Dental Group, the official partner of the Eagles.”

Not sure that’s the tact I would have leaned on in this partnership. The last thing I want to think about while I’m getting my teeth cleaned is whether the doc was vetted by the same people who thought JJ Arcega-Whiteside was a great receiving talent.

** Shout out to all the pundits who last year proclaimed that QB Joe Burrow and the Bengals “would be back” after they lost the Super Bowl. The team is 0-2 now after losing to a Pittsburgh and a Dallas team with backup QBs. Looks like that path to the Lombardi trophy is secure.

During Sunday’s game against the Saints, Bucs QB Tom Brady was seen on the sidelines spiking a Microsoft tablet into the ground in a fit of frustration (even though his team was winning). This is the second time in two years that Brady was seen tossing a tablet during a game, and he even got a warning last season from NFL officials not to damage the expensive equipment (because, you know, the NFL can’t afford to replace them.)

Team officials and Microsoft execs laughed off the incident, but Brady’s actions actually exposed some hidden, deep-seated anger that he has been holding in. Consider the possible causes for his inner rage:

** Microsoft tablets usually weigh about 1.5 pounds, and everyone knows Brady prefers things he has to hold to be deflated to less than one pound.

** Loading times for the tablets are usually under a minute, but Brady gets angry every time he can’t get a play done in less than four seconds.

** The type on those tablets is very small, and Tom Brady cannot read. Really. Not many folks know that. He’s totally illiterate.

** Microsoft is actually a rival for Brady, who has developed a TB12 tablet that stays on way after anyone wants to use it and forbids you from eating fruit.

** Brady just likes to throw things into the ground because he is a petulant baby.

The Cowboys made a bold decision in the offseason not to re-sign WR Amari Cooper and replace him with third-round draft pick Jalen Tolbert. And in the first two games of the season, Tolbert has been … a healthy scratch, because of inconsistent play throughout the preseason. The move came as a shock to football pundits, but it should have been expected, given what Tolbert’s name clearly spells out:

Dallas Cowboys Rookie WR Jalen Tolbert
** A sad joke. Low talent, wobbly coils. Error.

In the Cowboys defense, Cooper only had 10 catches for 100 yds and a TD this week, so he is clearly washed up.

** Dad got the better of me this week, picking up two games in our weekly picks contest. Clearly my faith in the Panthers was misplaced.

** The New York media made a big deal out of the Giants, Jets, Yankees and Mets all winning on Sunday, the first time that has happened since 2009. I’m not sure why, since only two of those teams play in New York. Must just be some regional affinity, I guess.

** Stat of the week from G: Jalen Hurts has 723 total yards so far this season. That’s more than 18 other NFL teams.

I didn’t bother to check if it’s true, because it sounds right and feels fun.


Week 2 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown League

1 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt Awesome), 2-0, 296.02 pts
2 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 2-0, 281.70 pts
3 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 2-0, 264.28 pts
4 — Eisey's Outstanding Team (Eileen), 1-1, 294.14 pts
5 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 1-1, 248.68 pts
6 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 0-2, 261.24 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 0-2, 247.66 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-2, 107.86 pts

Two weeks in and we’re already got two teams tilting. Dad and Uncle Jim have both lost their first two matchups, and both have to face off against 2-0 teams next week. Meanwhile, apropos to nothing, it’s always good to be the guy who sets up the league…

For the record, I did switch the QB of the all-Cowboys team to make sure that Cooper Rush’s points were counted. It did not help much.

The Awesome Cup standings

1 — Champ For Life (Jo), 295.73 pts
2 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 267.15 pts
3 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 245.19 pts
4 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 242.39 pts
5 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 241.32 pts
6 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 239.02 pts
7 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 237.06 pts
8 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 228.04 pts
9 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 218.03 pts
10 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 192.15 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 181.28 pts
12 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 172.54 pts

Anybody remember week 5 of last season? We managed to start all of the top performers, the Eagles were 2-3, and the 2021-2022 NFL season was just beginning. It was also the last time anyone other than Jo was atop the Awesome Cup standings. She’s been in the #1 spot for 15 straight weeks now, the longest such streak in league history (probably. I’m not looking it up). This week’s strong showing came on the backs of NFL greats like … rookie Jets WR Garrett Wilson and Jacksonville RB James Robinson. And with a 28-pts lead over second place, she could stay there for a while.

Great bounceback week for Jonathan and Dad, who climbed from the bottom of the rankings to the top rather quickly. Meanwhile, Jeff and Mom D saw their teams fall off a cliff.

Get your rosters set early — This week’s Thursday game is Steelers vs. Browns, but the good news is that it’s only on Amazon Prime again, so you can’t accidentally turn it on and see the horrors it contains.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 1 recap

Eagles WR AJ Brown caught 10 passes for 155 yds in his first game with the Eagles on Sunday, accounting for one-third of the team’s offense for the day and 65 percent of the team’s receiving yards. The impressive debut begs the natural question of where he ranks among the best Browns in Philly football sports history. Consider the other contenders:

** DT Jerome Brown: #99 holds the #1 spot for now. The Pro Bowler was a fearsome presence on the field before his death in 1992. His number was retired by the team shortly thereafter.

 
** WR Reggie Brown: From 2005-2007, Brown had 150 catches for 2,167 yds and 16 TDs. He was the overlooked wideout bridge between Terrell Owens and DeSean Jackson, but deserves more credit for helping extend the Donovan McNabb era a little longer.

** Eagles DE Reggie White: One of the greatest defensive players in NFL history, but he does not come close to qualifying as one of the better Browns to play here. One of the best color names? Sure. But he’s just all wrong for this.

** DB Sheldon Brown: Over eight years with the Eagles, Sheldon collected 351 tackles and 19 interceptions. He’s best remembered for killing RB Reggie Bush during the 2006 NFC playoffs, for which he was arrested but never charged because no one liked Bush.

** The Eagles brown pants: For the first two seasons of the franchise, in 1933 and 1934, the team wore brown pants with blue and yellow jerseys. Apparently the plan was to blind opposing teams with hideous fashion. It didn’t work, the team went 7-12-1 over that stint and changed to silver pants in 1935.

** Eagles WR Na Brown: He was drafted the same year as McNabb and stunk. For whatever reason, I have a lot of old online accounts with the handle “nabrownsux.” It’s literally the only reason I remember who he was.

** Phillies OF Domonic Brown: He made the All-Star team in 2013 and was supposed to be the team’s next big star. For all I know, he is now working as a parking attendant at the Eagles games.

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 44.90 pts — started by Jo
WR: Justin Jefferson, 28.77 pts — started by Sam
RB: Saquon Barkley, 29.40 pts — started by Mom
TE: Travis Kelce, 18.07 pts — started by Joel
K: Younghoe Koo, 19.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Pittsburgh, 27.00 pts — on Ant’s bench
D: Minkah Fitzpatrick, 17.50 pts — on the wire

The top four spots on that list were all occupied by players taken in the first three round of this year’s fantasy draft, so no huge surprises there. In fact, 20 of the top 21 scorers on the week were on somebody’s roster. The only omission? Maryland Commies QB Carson Wentz, the #3 player on the week (36.22 pts in his team’s win over the Jags). He also threw a fourth-quarter interception that led directly to a Jacksonville TD, so I’m sure that’s out of his system now and won’t be an issue the rest of the year.

The Steelers are in a rebuilding year, after the departure of QB Ben Roethlisberger and a host of other established names. So naturally they went out and upset the Super Bowl runner-up Bengals on Sunday. Fitzpatrick had 10 tackles, an interception, a blocked kick and a TD in the game. Pittsburgh fans haven’t had to endure an actual losing season since 2003, so if they do start to fall apart as the year goes on, nobody should feel bad for them.

“Opening screw-ups” edition

3rd place: James Cook, -1.80 pts — on Jo’s bench
2nd place: Detroit, -2.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Arizona, -4.00 pts — on the wire

Only two offensive players scored below zero this week, with Tampa WR Breshad Perriman losing 7 yds on a rushing attempt to total -0.70 pts. Cook, the younger brother of Vikings RB Dalvin Cook, fumbled on his sole rushing attempt Thursday night for the Bills, who didn’t need him at all in the end. Still, not the best way for the rookie to start his career.

Detroit was a bottom 3 defense last year and started off this season in the same fashion. In fact, the Lions defense has totaled just 70 fantasy points over the last 34 games. For comparison, the Dolphins defense (not considered elite) has totaled 39 points in their last two games. The coaching staff might want to work on that half of the ball a little.

** The Rams opened up the NFL season on Thursday night with a home game against Buffalo. The season started on the same field where last year’s ended (with the Rams winning the Super Bowl) and with the team wearing the same uniform set as they did when they lifted the Lombardi trophy: their blue, white and yellow “modern throwback” jerseys.

You know, as opposed to the “alternate primary” jerseys or the “reimagined traditional” jerseys. I for one was hoping for their “sleeveless sleeved” jerseys.

Honestly, my brain was ready for the “Thursday night edition of Sunday night football” this year, but not for announcers babbling about new old jerseys.

** NBC Sports Philly came up with the most Philly headline ever after Sunday’s win against the Lions: “Why AJ Brown might be too good.” The logic, of course, is that because Brown is such a solid WR, the other options on the team — particularly DeVonta Smith — won’t be force-fed the ball enough to learn the position quickly, and the Philly passing offense may be too one dimensional.

That’s definitely something I’m worried about with a QB who always thinks run first and has only thrown more than 300 yds in a game twice. Please don’t let him have one elite receiver, it might hurt the feelings of the mediocre ones.

** On Sunday, the Los Angeles Dodgers became the first team to clinch a playoff spot after they beat the Padres 11-2. The team had a small celebration in the locker room, but since it was their 10th consecutive postseason berth, the party was appropriately subdued.

And that’s great, because on Monday MLB announced that actually, they got the math wrong, there was still a scenario where the Dodgers could lose their next 23 games, get into a three-way tie with other teams and miss out on the postseason. They apologized, and the Dodgers will likely still clinch sometime this week.

How does that happen? Doesn’t MLB have people whose whole job is just to keep track of this stuff? The league has an entire web page dedicated to tiebreakers, playoff game dates and “the longest postseason homers since 2015.” There’s no one on staff who can count?

FYI, the Phillies magic number for a playoff berth is 21. That’s the combination they need of wins, or Brewers losses, or Padres losses, or maybe Eagles losses? I dunno. And I can’t ask MLB to explain it to me anymore.

Actual parlay bets that I thought about making in Atlantic City in mid-August that I now regret passing up:

** Eagles over 9.5 wins, Jaguars over 6.5 wins, Eagles make the playoffs, Jaguars make the playoffs. ($10 bet pays out $287)
— The birds have a suddenly easy path to the NFC East title, and the Jaguars play in a division that saw no teams win in week 1. This feels very possible.

** Titans, Niners, Cowboys and Dolphins all miss the playoffs. ($10 bet pays out $233).
— The first three all looked terrible this week, and the Dolphins still have to play the Bills twice and always lose to the Jets once. I wouldn’t be betting on any of them to make the playoffs.

** Eagles win the NFC East, Eagles over 9.5 wins, Giants miss the playoffs, Commies miss the playoffs ($10 bet wins $128).
— The only real downside here is that the NFC East might be won with seven victories. The division don’t look so good.

** Packers under 11.5 wins, Bucs under 11.5 wins, Packers miss the playoffs, Bucs miss the playoffs. ($10 bet wins $640)
— OK, this is still a long shot. But neither team looked good in week 1, and Brady is getting older and older…

** Cowboys, Commies and Giants miss the playoffs. Eagles win the Super Bowl. ($10 bet pays $2,988).
— Still tempting.

Really bad opening week for the Cowboys — not only did they lose in embarrassing fashion on national TV, but they also may have lost starting QB Dak Prescott for the next two months with a thumb injury. This is the latest in a series of significant injuries for Prescott. In fact, we had an anagram on his leg injuries just last season. So it’s only fitting to rearrange the letters in his name to show that a hand injury should come as no surprise either.

Cowboys Dak Prescott’s hand injury
** Pa can just cry: His body doesn’t work

Remember, you can’t spell “Dak Prescott” without “rotted packs.”

** Dad and I split the opening weekend of picks, going 10-6, which feels like a solid start. I’m not sure anyone in America picked the Bears to win that game against the 49ers, so we can’t feel too bad about dropping that one.

** The Cowboys are 32nd in the league in points scored. Just saying.

** FYI, I’m saving all of my “tie game” jokes for when the Eagles end up in a baffling draw against the Giants later this year.


Week 1 standings

1 — Eisey's Outstanding Team (Eileen), 1-0/164.22 pts
2 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 1-0/138.72 pts
3 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 1-0/137.30 pts
4 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome), 1-0/128.96 pts
5 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Younger Jim), 0-1 142.12 pts
6 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 0-1/123.68 pts
7 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 0-1/107.08 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-1, 38.66 pts

Oh, were you expecting different standings?

This year marks the start of the Garrity Throwdown League, open to family members who wanted to play fantasy football but needed more family drama involved. Our opening week featured one son getting beat badly by his mother, one father getting beat narrowly by his son (ahem) and Mom beating the snot out of our special team, the 2022 Dallas Cowboys (the roster is nothing but Dallas players, and they are not good).

We still haven’t decided on a prize for the winner of the league, but needless to say it won’t be as coveted as some other league’s trophies. Speaking of which, onto the Awesome Cup standings…

1 — Champ For Life (Jo), 152.84 pts
2 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 128.07 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 121.12 pts
4 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 115.58 pts
5 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 114.33 pts
6 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 109.33 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 105.77 pts
8 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 104.85 pts
9 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 99.39 pts
10 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 96.73 pts
11 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 92.26 pts
12 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 91.46 pts

New year, same song — Jo finished last season at the top of the leaderboard and starts there again. In fact, the distance between her and second place is the same gap between second and eighth place.

Still, it was a strong opening showing all around. When the last place team almost breaks 100, you know it’s going to be a close season. Heck, even Paul set his roster!

Remember that waivers run on Tuesday nights (for both leagues) so if you want to pick up any new players, get your claims in early or watch the good ones get stolen away. And get your rosters set for Thursday — the early game this week is Chiefs vs. Chargers, which could produce plenty of scoring. Or a 9-3 dudfest, if the featured games this weekend contaminate the rest of the NFL.

Fantasy League 2022 -- pre-season rankings

The teams have been picked, your fate has been sealed, and the fantasy season is just a mere formality now. We’ll play along anyway, just for fun, but here’s how the season is going to shake out:

Let's Go Iggles! (Paul)
Yahoo ranking: 2056.48 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 1505.01 pts, 12th place
Paul was penciled into the last spot here even before we drafted, because the odds of him checking his lineup after week 4 are about 10-to-1. But he also may have ended up with the riskiest team on the board. QB Tom Brady? Currently in a mid-life crisis. RB Christian McCaffery? Hasn’t stayed healthy either of the last two years. WR Tyreek Hill? A great talent now with a poor QB. TE Pat Freiermuth? Great name, uneven player. All that adds up to a lot of question marks and another shaky season ahead for Paulie.

Patriots Secret Cam (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 2005.47 pts, 11th place
My ranking: 1644.98 pts, 11th place
I don’t have any real problems with Joel’s squad, other than I hate his QB (Dak Prescott) and I his starting RB (Damien Harris) is at best a third-stringer and I believe TE Travis Kelce will really drop off this year and there isn’t a single player on his bench I think will finish in the top 20 at their position this year and WR Cooper Kupp can’t possibly be as good as he was last year. Oh and WR Tee Higgins has a funny name. Beyond that, the team is fine.

Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 2029.17 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 1884.66 pts, 10th place
Mike never finishes this low, so I know this prediction is gonna haunt me in January. But there is not a lot to like with this team. Too many Cowboys (WR CeeDee Lamb, RB Ezekiel Elliott), too many players who look like shells of their former selves (RB JK Dobbins, TE Darren Waller) and another running back who is starting only because his teammate was shot in the leg (RB Anonio Gibson, true story). Add in an overhyped, can’t-possible-repeat-last year WR Jamar Chase, and there’s the potential for a mess here.

Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad)
Yahoo ranking: 2147.07 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 1919.18 pts, 9th place
This is already a victory for Dad, because for the first time in three years Yahoo didn’t pick him to win the league. That prediction has been a consistent kiss of death (sorry, Bob) — In the 21 year history of the league, Yahoo has never accurately picked the eventual winner (probably. I’m not checking). Sadly for Dad, his team name is better than his squad. He took All-Pro QB Josh Allen in the first but ended up with middling WRs and RB in exchange for that heavy price. The Buffalo defense looks good in real life but subpar for fantasy. And I’ll bet you $20 right now he can’t pronounce his TE’s name (it’s Davis Ngoku). You know why I’m so sure? He didn’t even notice that I spelled it wrong (it’s Daveed Ngokou). If you can’t name your players, how can you win a championship?

More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan)
Yahoo ranking: 2022.08 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1945.00 pts, 8th place
It’s gonna be tough for our youngest player to repeat his brilliance from his rookie year, when he finished second. Jonathan has five WRs that could start on anyone else’s team (Stefon Diggs, Keenan Allen, Mike Williams, JuJu Smith-Schuster, Tyler Lockett) and he may only have one RB he can start for week 1 (Miles Sanders is hurt? I’m shocked. Just shocked). QB Joe Burrow should be back from his appendectomy for week 1, and that’s a sentence you love to see attached to your fantasy team. But Jonathan’s youthful enthusiasm may be enough to make this all work.

No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 2177.17 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 1998.76 pts, 7th place
Poor Bob. Yahoo picked him to be great this year, so this will be a disaster. And it’s easy to see how. He ended up with two middling TEs (T.J. Hockenson and Dallas Goedert) instead of a third good RB or WR, and then the autodraft picked TWO MORE FOR HIS BENCH for some ungodly reason. His top pass catcher is Chris Godwin, who may be dead (the NFL has him listed as “questionable” officially). RB Alvin Kamara could be suspended for an offseason fight. And he drafted S Amani Hooker, who will end up on a “real player or name I made up?” list at some point this season. Lucky for Bob, he doesn’t care that I don’t like his team.

Ouch! It Hurts (Mom Doyle)
Yahoo ranking: 2162.30 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 2022.97 pts, 6th place
Mom, listen to me. Do not drop WR DeAndre Hopkins. Yes, he is suspended for six games. No, you should not drop him. He will be really good in October. You will need him then. Do. No. Drop. Him. Until then, this team’s four RBs will carry the squad (Austin Ekeler, Saquan Barkley, James Conner and QB Jalen Hurts). Not having an actual, professional QB will be problematic, of course, but passing is overrated in today’s NFL anyways.

Room Temperature Icers (Sam)
Yahoo ranking: 2032.30 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2032.21 pts, 5th place
Huh. Yahoo picked Sam to finish 7th last year too. Did he piss off someone over at the world’s 4th most popular search engine? Sam has hands down the best WR corps of anyone in the league — Justin Jefferson, Mike Evans, and Deebo Samuel are all pre-season top 8 receivers. Sadly, he has no RBs to compliment them. Maybe RB Dameon Pierce can turn into the superstar people are predicting, but anytime you hitch your wagon to the Texans, it’s a dangerous game.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 1967.90 pts, 12th place
My ranking: 2101.01 pts, 4th place
Jeff ended up with a lot of gamble picks that I like. QB Trey Lance is the biggest risk of the draft, but he’s backed up here by a solid WR corps (Davante Adams, AJ Brown, DK Metcalf), a reliable backup passer (Kirk Cousins) and a good RB tandem (Dalvin Cook, Kareem Hunt). WR Rashod Bateman and RB Travis Etienne could be superstars too … or total busts. I think Indianapolis is the sleeper defense of the year. And 700-year-old Zach Ertz? Maybe, maybe, maybe…

JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 2031.25 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 2133.33 pts, 3rd place
Yahoo always hates me, but that’s because I consistently perform better in my weekly and yearly picks then their algorithms do. And this year is no exception. My RB corps is stacked — Derrick Henry with the 8th pick? You all are drunk! — accompanied by comeback player of the year QB Lamar Jackson and Archbishop Wood alumnus/TE receiving leader for 2022 Kyle Pitts working alongside them. Do my wideouts stink? Yes. Will I end up starting the remains of Julio Jones at some point? Yes. But it’ll still be enough to be in the running for my fifth Awesome Cup championship this year.

For the record, Dad’s TE is actually spelled “David Njoku.” It’s pronounced “En-Jo-Koo.” But, to my earlier point, we’re all the way down here in the rankings and he still didn’t see the mistake until now.

Not That Four Seasons (Ant)
Yahoo ranking: 2073.04 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 2202.55 pts, 2nd place
I’m not happy that I like Ant’s team this much, but here we are. Last year’s rushing champ? Jonathan Taylor, check. A fantasy-points vacuum at QB? Kyler Murray, check. Up and coming WR superstar? Chris Olave, check. A top defense playing a soft schedule? San Francisco, check. A player who can likely be worked into tons of jokes? TE Isaiah Likely, check. Sure, coaching will be a problem here, but if Chip Kelly taught us anything, it’s that talent can overcome poor leadership for a short while.

Champ For Life (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 2035.14 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 1st place, 2405.33 pts, 1st place
You’re at the top until someone climbs higher than you, and right now Joanna isn’t showing any signs of slowing down after last year’s championship run. This is a sneaky good roster. QB Patrick Mahomes is somehow underrated all of the sudden. RBs Aaron Jones and D’Andre Swift could be the sleeper RBs of the year. And even all these second-string wideouts that make up her squad look like quiet stat heroes — Jerry Jeudy, Gabe Davis, Allen Lazard. Throw in an Ohio State hero on her bench (Garrett Wilson) and the bespeckled K Rodrigo Blankenship, and that’s a good looking squad. At least until it all falls apart because I cursed her by picking her this high.

There you have it — time to tear Joanna down off her perch. In case you forgot, here’s what we’re all fighting for:

Thanks again for playing along with this nonsense year after year. Remember to get those rosters set for the Thursday night game. Only 18 weeks of football left until we crown the next champion.

Fantasy League 2022 -- draft order announcement

It’s hard to believe that this whole enterprise was just a little baby of a league once, too small and fragile to understand the complexities of the world held inside it. But that is no more. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the 21st season of our fantasy football battlefield, which means the league is old enough to get drunk this year. And get drunk it shall — off the tears of heartbreak and agony provided by your failures throughout the year.

But before we can get to that sweet, sweet vintage, we need our annual draft order unveiling. And to help with that, we have a special guest this year: none other than former Eagles wideout JJ Arcega-Whiteside. As a sign that there is no ill-will between myself and him after his disappointing stint with the Eagles, JJAW has graciously agreed to hold the helmet where the names are drawn to help officially start the year.

(JJAW is handed the helmet)

(JJAW drops the helmet)

(JJAW is handed the helmet a second time)

(JJAW bats the helmet into the air where it is intercepted by a Giants defensive back)

(JJAW is dismissed forever from league activities)

Sigh. OK, here are the rules of how we do the draft order every year. And the name selection will be done by the younger half of the stars of the Junior Awesome blog, since the older half is an active participant in the league. We’re not even going to let him in the room for the event. We’ve told him to go sit on his bed and think about what he has done. Everyone else’s proxy is present for the festivities, so the first four names go into the helmet, and the initial loser selected is …

Pick #12 — Jo

The winner of “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time” gets the last pick in the first round this year. Titles last forever, so that should be enough to raise her spirits, but Joanna’s representative at the draft — an old Eli Manning bobblehead doll I keep meaning to throw away — shakes its head in disappointment. Jo again asks why she needs a proxy if she is standing right here for the drawing. She is ignored, and we move onto the next name, which is…

Pick #11 — Jonathan
A yell goes up from the other room, which is also ignored. Jonathan finished second in the league in his rookie year, picking from the #12 spot. So the #11 spot should mean he improves his final standing by one as well, right? The boy’s stand-in, a Lego figure of Hagrid from the Harry Potter series, stares blankly ahead in response. The other child and I press on to get the next name out, which belongs to …

Pick #10 — Mike
You’d think with her birthday around the corner, the younger child would want to be helping out family members who could be buying her nicer birthday gifts, but not so much. Last year’s fourth-place finisher falls one spot in the draft order. His proxy, a camp fan with Darth Vader stickers on it, blows a foreboding wind across the desk as I record the spot. Sensing danger, the girl child and I move on to the next pick…

Pick #9 — Bob
So far, there’s not a lot of drama in the picks this season. Bob finished in third place in 2021, which means our top four finishers got the bottom four draft picks. And really, that’s how drafts are supposed to work. Bob’s representative, a vintage Harry Kalas bean bag doll, smiles on in approval. I can almost hear Bob singing “High Hopes” as he looks forward to his meh draft position. Another name goes into the helmet, and the next sucker picked out is…

Pick #8 — Capt. Awesome
Well, that’s not great. Every year I think this ridiculous draft order scheme is going to help me, and every year I manage to move up several spots to a worse pick. I do, however, have the best proxy of anyone in the room to help inspire me to greatness: my new #20 Brian Dawkins Phillies jersey T-shirt. No, you read that right. A Dawkins Phillies shirt. I actually own one. And it is glorious:

So, in an important way, I have already won this year. But we continue on with picking the names anyway, and the next one out is…

Pick #7 — Jeff
Jeff finished 6th last year so his pick here is … exactly where he should have picked. Huh. I was really expecting more excitement this year. The Blue Collar Killers, represented by my unfolded blue dress shirts sitting in a pile by the couch, crumple slightly in agreement. The girl child asks if she’s in trouble for already picking out my name. I tell her to finish her work because she’s sleeping on the floor tonight. The next name out of the helmet is …

Pick #6 — Pop
Oooh, tough break for Pop, who falls two spots from his disappointing 2021 9th place finish. His proxy, the latest copy of the C4 newsletter, notes that “when attempting to assign a grade to colonial coins, it is extremely important to look not only at the relief detail of the coin, but also at the surfaces of the coin.” Please keep that in mind when you’re trying to decide where to rank older surfaces like QB Tom Brady in your pre-draft rankings. Onto the next name, which belongs to…

Pick #5 — Grandmom Linda
Oh, I get it now. The girl child moved Grandmom up in the rankings three spots because she knows who always buys the most presents.On cue, Grandmom’s representative — a roll of Christmas wrapping paper — falls from a nearby shelf and starts to wrap itself onto some old toys. This is the most questionable draft decision since the Eagles took WR Jalen Reagor over WR Justin Jefferson. (Still on the team, somehow!) The final four names are in the helmet, and the next spot goes to …

Pick #4 — Joel
Joel ends up with the most problematic pick in fantasy football, where all the experts tell you to take the first WR but most folks take the fourth RB instead. His stand-in, a football autographed by Rich Gannon, seems to suggest he should consider taking a QB instead. It’s bad advice, but at least it's on brand. Jonathan asks if he’s allowed out of his room yet. He is ignored, and another name is drawn out …

Pick #3 — Sam
Great news for Sam, who moved up four spots to grab the bronze medal pick slot. His proxy, a copy of “Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl,” promises Ninja-Turtle-level pain for the rest of the league. Or maybe it’s Spongebob-level. I’m not sure which one would be more fearsome on a football field. The younger child asks if Sam might buy her a birthday present. I tell her there are only two names left, so the last loser is …

Pick #2 — Paul
2021’s last place finisher does not get the first pick two years in a row. There is no reaction from Paul’s representative: a calculator that only has the first four numbers working, because Paul usually forgets all about the league around week 4. Maybe this year will be different. And maybe the Eagles will actually try to find linebackers who tackle someday. Without holding our breath for that, Paul’s placement in the draft order means this year’s early winner is …

Pick #1 — Ant
The last time Ant had the top pick in our league was 2015, when Chip Kelly was the Eagles coach and Darren Sproles was still alive (RIP, his knees). Ant finished third that year, despite drafting RB LaDanian Tomlinson #1 overall (probably. I’m not gonna go check). Jonathan is allowed to return to the room temporarily to high-five his godfather’s proxy, an out-of-tune guitar purchased when Donovan McNabb was still the Philly starting QB. As the boy taps the instrument, you can just barely imagine “Fly, Eagles, Fly” playing softly.

That’s it, folks. I’ll switch the league over to autodraft sometime on Saturday (Sept. 3), so get your affairs in order. Remember to set your pre-draft rankings to avoid injured players, players who will be injured again soon (looking at you, Miles Sanders) and all the Cowboys you can find. Any questions or last minute changes, drop me a line. Good luck to all on the imaginary gridiron out there.

Fantasy league 2021 -- final season recap

It’s always difficult to say goodbye to a fantasy season, especially one as special as “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time.” But the NFL’s decision to add another game, then rig the final game of the season to go into overtime, gave us as much regular season football as any normal person can handle. So, as is tradition, it is time to crown our glorious champion, right after we recognize the 11 losers left in her wake:

Clever Team Name (Paul)
Yahoo ranking: 2330.84 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 2000.01 pts, 8th place
Actual finish: 1365.09 pts, 12th place
NFL equivalent: Jacksonville Jaguars

Pretty sure Paul was kidnapped by a foriegn government sometime in mid-October, because we haven’t heard from him since. I’m not sure it would have mattered much, though. QB Russell Wilson was a disappointment for most of the year, RB Christian McCaffery was a top-pick injury bust for the season in a row, and TE Darren Waller killed my two other fantasy teams along with Paul’s. On the plus side, if Paul is serving prison time overseas, they probably have soccer on, so he’ll be paying attention to that.

Not That Four Seasons (Ant)
Yahoo ranking: 2019.67 pts, 12th place
My ranking: 2019.67 pts, 6th place
Actual finish: 1899.12 pts, 11th place
NFL equivalent: New Jersey Giants

Oh boy. Much like Antonio Brown going from a top WR to a shirtless fool in the end zone, this team went from bad to really bad quickly. As recently as early December, Anthony’s team was in 8th place and looking up at the top half of the standings. Then QB Lamar Jackson got hurt, WR Courtland Sutton disappeared completely, and RB Javonte Williams stopped scoring too. Ant’s team failed to top 85 pts three times in the last four weeks, much like the Giants failed to score more than 10 points in any of their last four games. Unlike Brown’s meltdown, at least Ant managed to keep his clothes on (as far as we know…)

Patriots Secret Cam (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 2166.32 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1996.05 pts, 9th place
Actual finish: 1911.57 pts, 10th place
NFL equivalent: Seattle Seahawks

Ignoring my preseason prediction, I’m not sure how Joel’s team ended up down this low. QB Tom Brady was solid. RB Joe Mixon was a top-three rusher. TE Dalton Schultz was top three at his position too. And after that … well … OK, I see what happened here. Joel only had one wideout in the top 35 (Keenan Allen) and only one RB in the top 45 (Mixon). Gotta field a whole team, not just a couple of stars. Seattle found that out the hard way this year.

It’s All Hurts (Dad)
Yahoo ranking: 2400.24 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 1703.03 pts, 12th place
Actual finish: 1917.11 pts, 9th place
NFL equivalent: Miami Dolphins

One of my favorite fantasy jokes every year is waiting for Dad to get the top post-draft ranking from Yahoo, then watching those predictions crash and burn. This year was no exception, with the search engine’s bizarre algorithm overrating his squad yet again. But instead of burying Dad’s fortunes this season, I come here to praise his dedication to the game. His squad was 100 points out of 10th place at the start of December after a miserable combination of gawd-awful WR play, sub-par results from RB Dalvin Cook and an unholy QB combination of Derek Carr and Carson Wentz. And yet he stuck with it, slowly climbed back up the standings and jumped into the single-digit ranks. That’s the kind of heart I want to see out of all of our coaches each year. And so, in recognition of his solid, steady focus, I award him the coveted “Dan Marino Award for Excellence.” It doesn’t come close to a championship at all, but it feels like an important award anyways.

Kneel Armstrong (Sam)
Yahoo ranking: 2234.04 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2233.44 pts, 4th place
Actual finish: 2016.43 pts, 8th place
NFL equivalent: San Diego Chargers

The Chargers missed the playoffs by a last-second FG in overtime of the last regular season game, and Sam missed the 7th-place pseudo playoff berth by a mere 0.41 pts. Imagine all the small decisions he could have made to avoid that fate. What if he hadn’t relied on WR Brandon Aiyuk all season? What if he had drafted Jonathan Taylor instead of Alvin Kamara? What if he didn’t stupidly go for a fourth down on his own 20-yard-line in the third quarter of the final game? (That may apply more to the San Diego coach than Sam.) So many what ifs. For now, the only comfort for both is that they struck gold with QB Justin Herbert, and there is more football to play next year.

Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 2166.32 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 2333.33 pts, 3rd place
Actual finish: 2016.84 pts, 7th place
NFL equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles

Much like the birds, I ended up in 7th place and would not consider this a good year under any metric except for the NFL’s watered-down playoff rules. I really expected more from this squad — QB Matt Stafford was a late-round steal, RBs Nick Chubb and Josh Jacobs should have been worth more, WR/RB Cordarrelle Patterson was a fun fantasy roller coaster ride each week. Yahoo said my team had the most points of any squad from waiver wire pickups and the least from actual drafted players, which is an impressive feat. This is the first time since 2016 that I haven’t finished in the top three, so we’re gonna have to have some major rule changes next year to fix that.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 2174.43 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 1993.12 pts, 10th place
Actual finish: 2031.36 pts, 6th place
NFL equivalent: Pittsburgh Steelers

Solid showing from one of our oldest franchises, but Jeff gets docked style points here for using too many Cowboys to get this high in the standings. His WR corps of Davante Adams, Stefon Diggs, CeeDee Lamb, Mike Evans and Marquise Brown gave him five of the top 25 players at the position. But he had trouble figuring out the timing of when to use them, and often left substantial points on the bench. RBs Leonard Fournette and Melvin Gordon were little help the second half of the season. He also had Ameer Abdullah on his roster, even though I was sure he retired 10 years ago. Still, finishing in the top half of the standings is nothing to sneeze at. Like the Steelers, they did enough to look respectable at the end of the season, especially given the low pre-season expectations.

Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D)
Yahoo ranking: 2171.83 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 2401.10 pts, 2nd place
Final ranking: 2074.24 pts, 5th place
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals

If you told Mom D and the Cardinals they’d finish as the #5 seed at the start of the year, they’d both be excited at the strong showing. But given that both looked halfway through the year like they could top the charts, this ending feels a bit low and anti-climactic. Mom complained about Aaron Rodgers all year long — even though he was the sixth-highest scoring player in fantasy for the year — and had Joe Burrow as a worthy backup. Her trade of Tyler Lockett for Diontae Johnson added 20 extra points to her team for the season (would have put me in 6th place, dammit) and RB James Connor was a late-round steal with lots of TDs. But in the end, her faith in players like Cole Beasley proved costly, and her team was overtaken by other, hungrier squads. Five is good enough to get you mentioned among the top teams, but not enough to get you a title.

Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 2297.88 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 2009.97 pts, 7th place
Actual finish: 2124.18 pts, 4th place
NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs

For the record, the gap between Mike’s 4th place finish and Ant’s 11th place finish was 225 pts, and the gap between Mike and 1st place was 301 pts. That’s a wide, wide berth between the haves and the have nots this year. Mike’s team was the ultimate feast-or-famine squad: Over the last two weeks alone, he scored more than 300 pts. But in the previous eight weeks, he failed to break the 100-pts barrier four times. QB Patrick Mahomes was wildly inconsistent, RB Derrick Henry watched his leg snap off mid-season, the Buffalo defense buffaloed. Mike did claim the title of “most waiver wire pickups” this year, an award which Dad usually has wrapped up by week 10, but not this time. Sadly, all those moves couldn’t get him onto the medal podium.

This is Fine (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 2255.26 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 1850.50 pts, 11th place
Actual finish: 2154.46 pts, 3rd place
NFL equivalent: Green Bay Packers

Bob gets the bronze medal after a solid season-long campaign, along with his award for the best team name of the year (Jonathan was ineligible, I came up with his team name.) WR Deebo Samuel and QB Kyler Murray piled on the points, TE George Kittle and WR Mike Williams had big games to keep his team moving up. RB Saquon Barkley didn’t stink enough to tank his team. And Bob even started a defensive player named Foye Oluokun, which is Scandinavian for “fictional linebacker.” Third place is nothing to be ashamed of, unless your goal is to have your name etched among the legends, in which case third means you missed true victory by two spots.

Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan)
Yahoo ranking: 2249.50 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 2501.03 pts, 1st place
Actual finish: 2333.34 pts, 2nd place
NFL equivalent: Tennessee Titans

Oh boy. Junior Awesome had an impressive rookie season, mixing a solid draft (QB Josh Allen, RB Austin Ekeler, WR Tyreek Hill) with some impressive post-draft pickups (WR Jaylen Waddle, RB Eli Mitchell). Every Tuesday night, Jonathan would be scouring the waiver wire for deals, trying to suss out the diamonds in the rough from the big-name busts like Odell Beckham. He’d look at targets and rushing averages. He’d weigh upcoming strength of schedule. And then he’d pick the guys with the most ridiculous names (WR Amon-Ra St. Brown, TE Pat Freiermuth) and start them. The boy didn’t win the ultimate prize, but he did earn the league’s “rookie of the year award,” a very rare honor since we haven’t given it out in about five years since everybody returns every year.

That leaves just one team left, your champion for the year:

QB Carousel (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 2307.74 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 2112.21 pts, 5th place
Actual finish: 2425.54 pts, 1st place
NFL equivalent: 2017 Philadelphia Eagles

There really is no more appropriate champion for “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time” than Joanna. She’s one of the founding members of the league, endured 20 years of nonsense fantasy talk from me, labored through 20 years of recap copy editing and joke management as my obsession has grown by hundreds of words each week. And through it all, she has failed to get her name onto the greatest trophy in all of sports, until now.

Joanna proved that you can win a championship with QB Jalen Hurts (provided you put all-star players around him). She grabbed the top RB (Jonathan Taylor) at the end of the first round. She got the second-place TE (Travis Kelce) in the second round. She got the top WR (Cooper Kupp) in the fourth round and the top rookie WR (Jamar Chase) in the seventh. She picked up the top D player (TJ Watt) and top K (Daniel Carlson) off the waiver wire. Every move she made this year seemed to work (except relying on RB Miles Sanders, but no one really believes in him anymore).

It would be sacrilege to compare Joanna’s prowess to Dawkins in the year of “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time,” but I think I found a fitting nickname for Joanna’s long-awaited, underdog trip to the side of the trophy.

Since Joanna and the boy will likely be insufferable about beating me this season, August can’t come soon enough. As always, thanks to all of you for playing this year, and start getting your research together now for next year’s fantasy campaign.

Fantasy league 2021 -- week 18 update

The regular season is done, and the playoffs are always more disappointing than we want them to be. So let’s skip ahead to the top headlines of the opening week of the 2022 season!:

** Aaron Rodgers leads the Panthers to victory: Fresh off his Super Bowl win with the Packers, Rodgers left Green Bay after a profanity-laced tirade against management followed by a month-long bout with the Upsilon variant of coronavirus (the one that is rarely lethal but causes extreme flatulence). But his dirty words and smell weren’t enough to scare off the QB-starved Panthers, who gave him a $10 year, $200 million contract that at least held up well for opening day.

** The Washington Wizzers lose on a last-second FG: The team formerly known as the Maryland Nameless Squad spent the offseason more focused on their new name than improving their team. After announcing they would be the Washington Admirals in February, ownership was forced to backtrack in the face of a Navy lawsuit. Six follow-up names faced similar legal challenges before the franchise finally settled on the Wizzers, meant to convey the speed of their young wide receivers but instead immediately becoming a joke about how they always wet themselves on the field.

** Tom Brady’s suspension upheld: The Buccaneers lost their opener on Wednesday night (there are games on Wednesdays this season, for some unexplained reason) in large part because star passer Brady was ineligible to play. After WR Antonio Brown identified Brady as the supplier for the performance-enhancing drugs that caused his mental breakdown in January, the league came down hard on Brady (a repeat rules breaker) by mandating that he miss one game and promise really hard not to cheat again.

** The Eagles cut all three 2022 first-round draft picks ahead of Opening Day: In a predictable move, Philadelphia parted ways with all three of its top draft picks before they could play a down after the trio struggled in training camp. It was just the latest draft misstep by the front office. Coach Nick Sirianni said he was not concerned about the loss of personnel, however, saying that he was confident this is the year that WR Jalen Reagor would take a big step forward to help the team.

** RB Derrick Henry rushes for 350 yds, setting a new single game record: The Titans still lost the game, however. Henry’s remarkable performance wasn’t enough to overcome the new-look Jaguars and QB Trevor Lawrence’s six passing TDs, a new franchise high. Jacksonville also forced three turnovers and is now the Super Bowl favorite. 

** NFL rule changes cause confusion: The new pass interference rule, which mandates that a defensive player be shot on site, was hailed by offensive players in the offseason but has caused significant staffing issues on the defensive side. And the league’s new “whatever the Cowboys just did is fine” rule resulted in a messy opener in Dallas, with the Cowboys escaping with a narrow 41-40 win over the Rams. Los Angeles is still awaiting the returen of six players arrested mid-game for what the Texas governor called "health violations," even though all of the players were in fact vaccinated. 

Top QBs of the year

3rd place: Justin Herbert, 457.26 pts — 7th QB drafted (Sam)
2nd place: Tom Brady, 460.74 pts — 11th QB drafted (Joel)
1st place: Josh Allen, 475.58 pts — 2nd QB drafted (Jonathan)

First time I can remember one of the top few QBs drafted actually being worth their draft position. Allen was the second-best QB last year, and the top this year. Might be time to start thinking about him as one of the elites. Brady and Herbert, meanwhile, were taken after the start of the 7th round and beat out the Patrick Mahomes and Aaron Rodgers of the world. Good QBs can always be found late, folks. Learn from that.

Top WRs of the year

3rd place: Davante Adams, 231.53 pts — 1st WR drafted (Jeff)
2nd place: Deebo Samuel, 257.63 pts — 37th WR drafted (Bob)
1st place: Cooper Kupp, 303.16 pts — 15th QB drafted (Joanna)

Kupp will rightfully get all the attention this year as the steal of the fantasy draft, but don’t sleep on Samuel, who was the third receiver on his own team drafted (behind Brandon Aiuk and TE George Kittle). Along with 73 catches for 1,310 yds, he also had 51 rushes for 320 yds and seven TDs. That made him even more of a dual threat than Cordell Patterson (undrafted, but the 7th best WR on the year) who rushed for 607 yds but only caught 547 yds. FYI, Joanna also had the #4 receiver, Bengals rookie Jamaer Chase.

Top RBs of the year

3rd place: Joe Mixon, 256.43 pts — 13th RB drafted (Joel)
2nd place: Austin Ekeler, 287.23pts — 10th RB drafted (Jonathan)
1st place: Jonathan Taylor, 341.10 pts — 9th RB drafted (Joanna)

Wow. Swing and a miss on the RBs this year. Only five of the top 10 drafted ended up in the top 10 at the end of the year, and the last two on the draft list were the best of that group. Taylor was the runaway (pun intended) rushing leader in yds and TDs, but it still wasn’t enough to drag the Colts into the playoffs. For the record, Patterson was the 8th best player in this category too.

Top TEs of the year

3rd place: Dalton Schultz, 143.37 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Travis Kelce, 179.80 pts — 1st TE drafted (Joanna)
1st place: Mark Andrews, 205.23 pts — 4th TE drafted (Dad)

Only 12 TEs broke 100 pts this year, and Andrews was the clear-cut best of the group. Meanwhile, Schultz bested 24 of the 26 TEs drafted this season, and the 5th place finisher (Dawson Knox) was the 25th picked of that group. I guess what I’m saying is stop paying up for TEs, unless you’re sure you can get a good one. And as someone who invested heavily in TE Darren Waller with two different teams … you can’t be sure.

Top Ks of the year

3rd place: Chris Boswell, 164.00 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Nick Folk, 171.00 pts — undrafted
1st place: Daniel Carson, 174.00 pts — 14th K drafted (Bob)

Not only was Folk undrafted, he still isn’t on a team. Apparently we all really don’t like him for some reason. Carson, meanwhile was on Bob’s team for a few weeks before hitting the waiver wire, and the #4 K (Evan McPherson) bounced on and off teams all year. Kickers are replaceable. Stop drafting them early.

Top DEFs of the year

3rd place: Buffalo, 168.00 pts — 11th DEF drafted (Mike)
2nd place: New England, 172.00 pts — 10th DEF drafted (Jonathan)
1st place: Dallas, 189.00 pts — undrafted

Barf. Just barf. The Cowboys lead the league in interceptions, total turnovers and defensive TDs (8). On the plus side, they were 15th in points allowed, proving that being a good fantasy defense doesn’t mean you’re a good actual defense.

Top Ds of the year

3rd place: De'Vondre Campbell, 67.50 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Darius Leonard, 69.50 pts — 23rd D drafted (Dad)
1st place: T.J. Watt, 88.50 pts — undrafted

Last year, I wrote in my year-end column “Defensive players, man. One day we’ll all figure out the secret to getting good ones.” So, I guess we made progress?

QB: Dak Prescott, 41.80 pts — started by Jeff
WR: Deebo Samuel, 25.79 pts — started by Bob
RB: Rashaad Penny, 25.00 pts — started by Mike
TE: Tyler Higbee, 18.67 pts — on Bob’s bench
K: Matthew Wright, 14.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Miami, 20.00 pts — started by Joanna
D: Patrick Peterson, 11.50 pts — on the wire

That Deebo Samuel guy …

Fun fact — I convinced Joanna to pick up the Arizona defense this week because I thought the Patriots would blow out Miami, then I forgot to switch them into the starting spot for her after I said I would. That added 15 more points to her total, which her struggling, points-starved team really needed.

Another fun fact: The Maryland nameless team also tied for the top DEF and D player of the week, but I just didn’t feel like adding more lines up there. This is already a super long list of players.

 
“Worst performers of the year” edition

5th place: Travis Benjamin, -0.86 pts — on the wire
4th place: Jacob Eason, -1.00 pts — on the wire
3rd place: Feleipe Franks, -1.40 pts — on the wire
2nd place: John Wolford, -1.90 pts — on the wire
1st place: Josh Rosen, -3.24 pts — on the wire

I’ll be honest, I’m not 100 percent sure that Feleipe Franks is a real person. Could be that Yahoo just made him up to see if people were checking out the bottom of their standings.

The top four on this list are all QBs with limited appearances but at least one interception in that work. Rosen managed two in just 11 pass attempts over three games. For the record, he only completed two passes on the year, for a whopping 19 yds.

Special shoutout to Titans backup QB Logan Woodside, who appeared in four games this year, recording six kneel downs for -6 yds, which was good for -0.60 pts on the season and 6th place on this list. That’s … a lot of sixes. Might want to get him checked out.

 

** The Washington Post had its weekly NFL power rankings last Wednesday, and they had this blurb for the Maryland nameless squad:

“Ranked #26. 6-10 on the year. This qualifies as a lost season, with the team regressing from last year’s division title and making zero progress toward putting a franchise QB in place.”

Now hold on a minute. The team won on Sunday and finished the season 7-10. Last year, when they won the division the team was … 7-10, including their first-round playoff loss. The team didn’t regress at all. They performed exactly the same. The difference was they didn’t benefit from a historically bad NFC East this season.

Maybe the problem isn’t the team underperforming now, but instead thinking that they were any good at all before.

** Tampa Bay coach Bruce Arians said that if Tom Brady doesn’t win the MVP this year “it's a travesty."

Sure. I mean, he has already won three, and there are at least four other credible candidates for the award this year, but sure. If he doesn’t win everything, we should just shut down the whole league.

** In case you missed it, the Saturday afternoon game between the Chiefs and Broncos was the first half of the “Monday Night Football special doubleheader” for the weekend.

So, by NFL TV logic, we apparently had two Monday nights before we even reached Monday this week. And neither of those were the Sunday night game, which leaked into Monday morning. I honestly don’t know what day it is anymore.

Several NFL head coaches were fired on Monday after disappointing regular seasons, but other deserving candidates were not. Here are the most inexplicable non-firings that should have taken place on Monday:

** Giants coach Joe Judge: Last year, he accused the Eagles organization of “disrespecting the game” for tanking the final contest of the year and not working as hard as it could to help the 6-10 Giants win a division title by default. This year, his team scored seven total touchdowns over its last eight games and finished with double-digit losses for the fifth straight year. But, hey, at least he’s not embarrassing the game.

** Colts QB Carson Wentz: Woof, man. I’m not on the “Carson is a bum” bandwagon, but the Colts needed to win one of their last two games to make their playoffs, and lost both directly because of his poor play. Against Jacksonville — the worst team in football — he managed two turnovers and took six sacks, more than his team had surrendered in the previous four games combined. At some point, the reason you’ve never won a playoff game becomes you.

** Whoever set the Bengals pre-season Super Bowl odds at 150-to-1: There’s a Cincinnati fan out there somewhere who placed a drunken $100 bet before the start of the season and has a not ridiculous shot at winning $15K because Vegas was sleeping on this team. Hell, the Eagles were 100-to-1 odds. The Bengals are much better than them.

** The guy who came up with Thursday Night Football: Actually, he should have been fired years ago. Lousy bum.

** Eagles WR JJ Arcega-Whiteside: One play after an inexcusable drop in the end zone on Saturday night, JJAW (as he is called by his friends, who include anyone who will talk to him at this point) was flagged for offensive pass interference and pushed the Eagles out of scoring range. He finished the regular season with a total of two catches for 36 yards, leaving him at 187th among all receivers on the season. For his career, he has 290 receiving yards — nine fewer than fellow loser WR Jalen Reagor had this season alone. But, sure, he’s still worth a roster spot.

** The guy who walked into NFL HQ this morning, who watched a thrilling week 18 of football, and suggested that the league add another game next year: You know someone did. Week 18 was exciting. Many of the weeks that lead up to it were unbearable slogs, and you can’t convince me that exhausted wideouts limping down the field during that Sunday night game want an 18th one on the schedule in the future.

I wish I could end the year of anagrams on a happier note, give you some encouragement that the forces of evil cannot triumph over the will of good men. But, alas, the Cowboys did win the NFC East, and they will get to play in the postseason, even as their wretched blackness pollutes all who are forced to view their games. So I leave you for this year with this obvious anagram that explains where we find ourselves right now:

Dallas Cowboys return again to the playoffs
** Claws dug. Another year of total pain. Sobs fly.

One note of encouragement? Since Dak Prescott turned four years old, the Cowboys have only won four playoff games. And that guy is pushing 30 now. So hopefully it’ll be another quick exit and we can move onto more pleasant thoughts.

** Valiant effort by Dad in the final week of the season, as he posted a 5-3 record in the eight games we picked differently. But it wasn’t enough, and by a field-goal margin I grabbed the family prognostication title for the fifth time in the last six years. At 166-90, I picked 65 percent of the games right, about on par for Dad and me, and still ahead of most of the so-called experts at ESPN. Plus, I’m more humble than them.

** The Eagles face off against Tom Brady and the Bucs in the first round next week, and if the Eagles come out on top it opens the door for the Cowboys to get a second home playoff game if they win their first-round contest. So remember to root for the 49ers in the second game next Sunday too.

** However, the Eagles were 9-8 this season but 0-6 against teams that made the playoffs (and would have been 0-7 if the Chargers had managed to sneak in too). So, I dunno, maybe don’t hold your breath next weekend.

** An extra week of regular season football meant an extra recap for me to write this year. Look for my updated bill in the mail shortly.   

Week 18 standings

The official end-of-year standings — and the latest name to be engraved onto Awesome Cup — will be unveiled on Tuesday night.