2012 fantasy recap -- week 12

 

With so much terrible football news over the weekend, I couldn't pick my least favorite moment. So, you decide:

** The best Thanksgiving game (Houston vs. Detroit) was decided on a blown coach's challenge, and featured an overtime with two turnovers and two missed field goals.

** The Jets gave up 21 points to the Patriots in a 52 second span during the second quarter on Thanksgiving night. That included a fumble recovery touchdown where QB Mark Sanchez lost the ball while sliding headfirst into his own lineman's butt.

** The Steelers, who had 12 turnovers going into Sunday, added eight more in their loss to the Browns. They had more turnovers than punts (6).

** Arizona QB Ryan Lindley, in his first start, threw for 317 yards and threw two TD passes ... to St. Louis CB Janoris Jenkins. He threw two other INTs as well, and the Cardinals lost 31-17.

** The Chargers on Sunday allowed the Ravens to convert a 4th and 29 in overtime, leading to Baltimore's game-winning FG. That was the Ravens' only lead of the game.

** The Eagles played the Panthers, in a nationally televised game.

Yes, I did write that last one before the game happened. Turns out it lived up to the anti-hype.

QB: Tom Brady, 37.42 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Dez Bryant, 28.27 pts -- started by Heidi
RB: Bryce Brown, 31.30 pts -- on the wire
TE: Charles Clay, 18.10 pts -- on the wire
K: Rob Bironas, 14.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: New England, 27.00 pts -- on Heidi's bench
D: Janoris Jenkins, 18.00 pts -- on the wire

Third week in a row that Heidi has left a top performer on her bench. Must be nice to be that rich.


"Players you kinda know from something" edition

3rd place: Ted Ginn Jr., -1.24 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Rashard Mendenhall, -1.40 pts -- on Heidi's bench
1st place: Green Bay, -5.00 pts -- on Jim's bench

That Green Bay line came courtesy the New Jersey Giants, who are getting hot again late in the season. Great. Somebody pass me the alcohol or the turpentine. Honestly, I don't care which one anymore.

While driving near Philly this weekend, I heard this exchange on local sports radio:

Caller: "Hey, I just wanted to correct that last guy who was on the radio. He said there isn't a single Eagles player worth cheering for anymore, and that he wouldn't wear any of their jerseys."
Host: "You disagree?"
Caller: "Yeah! I think Shady McCoy is a great player. He's a hard worker, he seems to say the right things, seems like a real class act. I'm excited to watch him play. I'd be proud to have my kid wear his jersey."
Host: "I agree with you."
Caller: "Yeah, so I don't think that guy was right. There's one player worth cheering for on this team. But only one."
Host: (laughing) "Well, I guess that's something."

During the Notre Dame game on Saturday night, the good folks at ABC did a run-through of the top college football stories of the day. That included Penn State's overtime win against Wisconsin, leaving the team at 8-4 for the year. Brent Musburger noted that the eight wins is a record for a first-year coach at Penn State, an impressive achievement for PSU's Bill O'Brien.

Except, it's not. Penn State hasn't had a rookie head coach since LBJ was president. The team only played 10-game seasons back then. O'Brien is the first rookie head coach at Penn State in more than 45 years to do anything. He's the first PSU rookie coach to lose four games in four decades. He's the first PSU rookie coach to lose against Ohio State in four decades. He's the first PSU rookie coach to pick his nose in four decades.

He's also the first PSU rookie coach to set a rookie head coach record since Joe Paterno. Think about that for a while and see if your brain eats itself.

Sorting through some old magazines this weekend, I came across Sport Illustrated's picks for the preseason top 25 in college football. Their pigskin experts were as accurate as you'd expect:

Here's the last set of AP rankings:
1 -- Notre Dame (SI = Not ranked)
2 -- Alabama (SI = 1)
3 -- Georgia (SI = 9)
4 -- Ohio State (SI = 22)
5 -- Florida (SI = Not ranked)
6 -- Oregon (SI = 4)
7 -- Kansas State (SI = 16)
8 -- Stanford (SI =17)
9 -- LSU (SI = 3)
10 -- Texas A&M (SI = Not ranked)

And here's SI's top 10 before the season started:
SI 1 = Alabama (2)
SI 2 = USC (Not ranked)
SI 3 = LSU (9)
SI 4 = Oregon (6)
SI 5 = Oklahoma (12)
SI 6 = Wisconsin (Not ranked)
SI 7 = South Carolina (11)
SI 8 = Michigan State (Not ranked)
SI 9 = Georgia (3)
SI 10 = West Virginia (Not ranked)

That Alabama pick could still turn out to be right, but to have four of your top 10 picks not be ranked at all, and to miss on three other top 10 teams by not even ranking them at the start of the season, shows a level of incompetence that makes you wonder why we have pre-season rankings at all. SI also wrote features on the seven most likely Heisman trophy candidates ... but didn't include the two consensus front runners (KSU's Colin Klein and ND's Manti Te'o).

For the record, SI picked the Packers to beat the Broncos in the Super Bowl and the Heat to beat the Lakers in the NBA finals. So, you know, stay away from those picks.

A few weeks back, Dallas signed free agent Charlie Peprah to help fill out their secondary. It's no surprise that Peprah is known for frequent cheap shots (probably, I didn't bother to look it up) when you look closer at the letters in his name:

Cowboys safety Charlie Peprah
** Cheater oaf way -- He cripples boys.

OK, but maybe that's just because he's new to the team, right? He hasn't always been that way, I'm sure. Let's look at his college years:

Alabama starting strong safety Charlie Peprah
** Angst birth afar -- so angry! AAAA! Let's cripple them.

OK ... Maybe it's just football that brings out the worst in him?

Charlie Peprah
** Aha! Cripple her!

This dude has serious, serious problems.

Week 12 standings

Dammit, Sam is in the lead again, thanks to a ridiculous 182.91-pt performance this week (second highest weekly total this year). Joel is also making a surprising late-season push, sneaking back within striking distance of the top three. And last year's Awesome Cup Champion, Anthony? He's battling for the final four spots in the standings. Maybe the Giants will follow his lead...

** Dad and I split our picks this week, I'm still six games back. So, ..... yeah.

** Ohio State finished the season undefeated, but won't play in any significant bowl game because of former coach Jim Tressel's NCAA violations. Naturally, he was invited on field pregame and applauded by the crowd, because they're idiots.

** If you're forcing me to watch the Eagles and Panther play late on a Monday night, the least you could do is muzzle Chris Berman. It's the only humane thing to do.

** At least I know now whether to start WR DeSean Jackson and DE Jason Babin for the rest of the season...

** The Sixers just beat the Dallas Mavericks. There's your one bit of good Philly sports news this week.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 11

** For one more Eagles/Dallas and Eagles/Giants game left, so I have some reason to care the rest of the way.
** For the fact that there's still enough college football on to distract me from the possibility of another Giants/Patriots Super Bowl.
** For Brian Dawkins and Brian Westbrook retiring before they got seriously injured.
** For Nick Foles reminding me that Mike McMahon, Bobby Hoying and Bubby Brister were once starting QBs for this team, so it could be worse.
** For the reality that no matter how bad the Eagles are, they can't erase the Phillies' 2008 World Series Championship.
** For T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala and LaRod Stephens-Howling, because instant comedy.
** For insuring there are only six games left (at most) watching Andy Reid coach the Eagles.

QB: Matt Schaub, 47.08 pts -- on Dad's bench
WR: Andre Johnson, 38.20 pts -- started by Sam
RB: LaRod Stephens-Howling, 21.10 pts -- started by me
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 28.03 pts -- started by Joel
K: Josh Scobee, 15.50 pts -- on the wire
DEF: New England, 28.00 pts -- on Heidi's bench
D: Von Miller, 13.50 pts -- on the wire

Schaub's monster day came courtesy of 527 passing yards, the second most in NFL history. The single-game passing mark is, of course, held by Norm Van Brocklin, with his 554-yard performance in the Los Angeles Rams win over the New York Yanks in 1951. That game was also the first time an NFL team featured three wideouts on the field at the same time. It also only took Van Brocklin 27 completions for that staggering total.

What I'm saying here is that today's pro quarterbacks haven't managed to catch up to the 1950s yet.


"People started by Doyles" edition
3rd place: (tie) Jeremy Maclin, 0.00 pts -- started by Jo
3rd place: (tie) Danny Woodhead, 0.00 pts -- started by Jo
2nd place: Peyton Hillis, -1.10 pts -- started by Heidi
1st place: Houston, -2.00 pts -- started by ChampMike

Despite outward appearances, ChampMike and Heidi have managed to hang around near the middle of the pack. And that other Doyle? Well, maybe there's a participation trophy at the end of the season...

For the record, the worst player of the week was the Indianapolis defense, which posted a lowest-possible -6.00 pts. 59 pts allowed, no sacks, no turnovers, no heart. Remember, heart is worth 1 point.

Stunning losses by Oregon and Kansas State in college football this weekend vaulted Notre Dame's squad to #1 in the rankings, the first time in 19 years they've been in the top spot. Here's a look at just how long that gap atop the polls has been:

** Back then, the Baltimore Ravens, Tennessee Titans, Carolina Panthers, Jacksonville Jaguars, and Houston Texans had never played a down.
** Back then, Florida legend Tim Tebow was only in second grade.
** Back then, Notre Dame legend Joe Montana was still playing in the NFL.
** Since then, WR Issac Bruce, QB Kurt Warner, and RB Marshall Faulk have played their entire careers.
** Since then, the entire BCS system has been developed, been implemented, been ridiculed and been scheduled for replacement.
** Since then, the SEC has won 10 of its 38 national championships.
** Since then, Notre Dame has played 230 games.

After that dreadful, dreadful Eagles game on Sunday, the local radio station aired a Susquehanna Bank commercial stating that their employees were "gearing up for a long successful season, just like the Eagles" and would be a partner with the team "as they make the push towards the big game" and promised that "just like the Eagles strive for excellence, so do our customer service representatives."

I appreciate the local tie-in, but you may want to update that ad for late in the season. My suggestions would be "The Eagles' incompetence is surpassed only by our success" or "Mortgage rates as low as the Eagles' offensive output this week."

The Eagles haven't won a game since Sept. 30, a fact that's both depressing and historic. The Eagles still have a ways to go to reach their longest losing streak ever (14 games, in the 1930s) but if they drop Monday night's game to Carolina, they can become the first Philly squad in the Super Bowl era to lose all of their games in October and November.

Think about that for a second. October and November are when football is FOOTBALL, when you're finally out of the baseball groove and getting serious about shaking off the September start. This team has manged to suck completely when everyone else was getting better.

For the record, the Eagles still can't be eliminated from the NFC East title with another loss, but they can be knocked out mathematically the first week in December if all goes well.

Dallas managed to snag an undeserved overtime victory against Cleveland this weekend, a tragedy that not only hurts the good people of Ohio but also undermines the fabric of this entire country. Don't believe me? Just look at the letters, my fellow patriots:

Cowboys steal a win in overtime
** Soviets win, America bent low. Oy.   

Remember -- every Cowboys win moves us closer to losing the Cold War. That's just scientific fact.

Week 11 standings

Sam managed to jump ahead of me and within two-points of first place with an impressive 169-pt performance this week (although, three of his players scored 100 pts, the other nine starters just barely broke 68). I'm less than six points out in third, and Heidi is ... well, she's closer to the top than she has been. Let's leave it at that.

On the other end of the spectrum, Paul started two guys on a bye, two more injured players, and a WR who scored zero pts. I think he may have checked out.

** The only bit of good football news this weekend is that I picked up two more games on Dad, leaving me a respectable six games back in our weekly picks with six weeks left to go. I actually picked 12 of 14 games  correctly this weekend. Yes, the Eagles were one of the two losses.

** Reason #787 why we should be playing college fantasy football: Temple RB Montel Harris rushed for 351 yards and 7 TDs in the team's 63-32 victory over Army on Sunday. Those totals would have been worth 77.1 fantasy pts in our league. Army QB Trent Steelman rushed for 139 yards and 3 TDs (34.7 fantasy pts, with passing yards) in the loss. No, you can't pick either of them up for next week.

** Subway now has Robert Griffin III and Michael Strahan advertising their new Philly cheesesteak sandwiches. Because athletes from Maryland and New York are the best voices for any Philadelphia foods.

** This Thursday is Thanksgiving, in case you forgot. Remember to set your fantasy rosters before the turkey onslaught. Otherwise, you'll be thinking about Jason Witten when the apple pie comes out, and nobody wants that.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 10

** The Eagles, at 3-6, have little chance of making the playoffs and will likely fire longtime coach Andy Reid at year's end.
** The Phillies missed the playoffs for the first time in five years this season.
** The Sixers just announced new free agent C Andrew Bynum will miss five more weeks with a knee injury.
** The Flyers, a team that looked poised to make a deep playoff run, aren't playing this season.
** The Temple football team is 3-6 and cannot make a bowl game this year.

On the bright side, there are only 138 days left until opening pitch for the 2013 MLB season. Ugh.

QB: Joe Flacco, 35.74 pts -- on Heidi's bench
WR: Calvin Johnson, 29.80 pts -- started by Joel
RB: Adrian Peterson, 28.43 pts -- started by me
TE: Tony Gonzalez, 31.13 pts -- started by Dad
K: (tie) Blair Walsh, 15.00 pts -- started by Ant
K: (tie) Stephen Gotkowski, 15.00 pts -- started by Sam
DEF: Denver, 32.00 pts -- on Heidi's bench
D: Darius Butler, 15.00 pts -- on the wire

Three of the top 11 performers this week were TEs -- Gonzalez, Jimmy Graham, and Greg Olsen. Only one RB and one WR cracked the same range. If you were ever going to run a fantasy football two-TE set, this was the week for it.

Also, Heidi left two top performers on her bench, and she still doesn't get the blown call of the week award, because ...


"Jeff's team" edition
3rd place: Reggie Bush, 2.13 pts -- started by Jeff 
2nd place: Phillip Adams, -1.50 pts -- started by Jeff
1st place: Buffalo, -5.00 pts -- started by Jeff

Jeff started the two worst performers of the week (plus another player on a bye) and still almost posted a 100-pt outing. Just goes to show that a decent coach can make something out of a squad of bad players. Jeff, are you available to wander over to Philadelphia this week?

QBs Mike Vick, Ben Rothlisberger, Alex Smith and Jay Cutler all left their games this weekend with apparent head injuries. But they weren't the only ones to face serious medical complications this weekend. Here's a look at some of the less publicized problems:

** Fred Taylor -- Knee injury while watching football on TV.
** Jerry Jones -- Sprained nose during his latest plastic surgery.
** Tom Brady -- Feelings hurt by mean old linebacker trying to tackle him.
** Mark Sanchez -- Flare up of his recurring Suck-itis.
** Russell Wilson -- Crushed by his complete anonymity.
** Eli Manning -- Broken face. No, wait, sorry, that's just how he looks.


Andy Reid, after finding out that Mike Vick has a "pretty significant" concussion that could leave him sidelined for a few weeks, told reporter this:

''I've got confidence that Nick will do a nice job, if given that opportunity. Listen, I get excited for every game, but if the kid has an opportunity to start, I'm excited to see him play.''

If Reid is truly excited for Sunday's game, or any part of the rest of this wretched season, then he's even dumber than we all thought.

Possible new jobs for outgoing Eagles coach Andy Reid

** Timekeeper at the Royal Observatory in England -- Reid is a guy who's known for not wasting a single second of game time. We can trust the world's temporal measurements with him.

** FedEx director of operations -- His first day on the job, he doubles the companies airplane deliveries and sidelines all of their ground transport. Because, you know, running.

** TV talk show host -- His energetic personality and enthusiastic rapport with the press make him a natural fit. His sidekick will be Terrell Owens, of course.

** Mike Holmgren impersonator -- You'd be surprised the demand for this in Wisconsin. OK, you probably wouldn't be.

** Coach of the Cleveland Browns -- Because that's how this all ends.

As regular readers know, there are a ton of new faces on the Cowboys this season, but still the same soulless evil as before. Take, for instance, new WR Cole Beasley. The new cowpoke had just his fourth catch of the year in that win of the Eagles on Sunday. Good for him. Bad for all of us.

Dallas free agent wideout Cole Beasley

** I be a cold-eyed lout, a lawless anger fete

For the record, "Lawless anger party" was supposed to be the album Guns N Roses released after Chinese Democracy, but the band broke up way before that could happen.

Week 10 standings

It has been a three-team race for a while here, which is bad news if your name isn't Bob, Sam, or Awesome. And, really, who are you going to root for? Bob, with his Tony Romo-led team? Sam, who most of you don't even know? Or me, your benevolent fantasy overlord?

I know, it's Bob. But still, that Romo thing is a problem.

** I picked up two games on Dad this week, bringing me to within 8 with a mere seven weeks to go. All I have to do is win all the rest of the weeks and I'm set. I'm the Eagles, essentially.

** If Ohio State was eligible for the national championship, they'd still be behind Oregon, Kansas State and Notre Dame. So, maybe that bowl ban was for the best? Also, has a Heisman trophy winner ever come from a team facing sanctions? Somebody look that up for me.

** There was a tie this week, for the first time since that infamous Eagles/Bengals game. I want you all to commend me for not making fun of McNabb at all in this post.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 9

Rejected Philadelphia sports figures' presidential campaign slogans

** Tippecanoe and Utley too

** I Like Ike Reese

** You can't spell "Victorino" without "Victori"

** It's the West Coast offense, stupid

** In your heart, you know he's Kottite

** Schmidt happens

** Andy Reid says "Um ... err ... the vote is yours." 

** Mike Vick: Help me kill your hopes and dreams like a ... nevermind.

QB: Carson Palmer, 36.86 pts -- on Sam's bench
WR: Brandon Marshall, 35.13 pts -- started by Jim
RB: Doug Martin, 54.50 pts -- started by Joel
TE: Brandon Myers, 24.43 pts -- on the wire
K: Phil Dawson, 16.00 pts -- started by Jim
DEF: Chicago, 31.00 pts -- started by Bob
D: Brian Urlacher, 15.00 pts -- on the wire

Doug Martin's 251-yard, 4 TD day in Tampa Bay's 42-32 win Sunday was the most fantasy points by a single player in a week since Mike Vick's ridiculous six-TD, 333 passing and 80 rushing, 57.37-point performance back in November 2010. I remember because he was on my bench. I'm still angry at him for that.

Wait, didn't I just write that last month?


"Kinda boring" edition
3rd place: Jacksonville, 0.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Adam Jones, -0.02 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Jason Campbell, -0.30 pts -- on the wire

Surprisingly, that's the worst of the bunch. You'd think that with so many awful games, there must have been some other terrible performers. But it was just a boring week for bad players.

The Single-A Reading Phillies announced this week that they'll be dropping their well-known "Phillies" nickname this coming season, in favor of a more independent identity that will appeal to more fans. The team has already planned an announcement party for the new name on Nov. 17, but here's a few of the names still under consideration.

** The Reading Railroads
** The Reading Rainbow
** The Reading Texans
** Intercourse, Pa.
** The Reading Nittany Lions
** The Reading Symphony Orchestra
** The Philadelphia Phillies

Editors note: I wrote this whole section Sunday night, then woke up Monday morning to the 700 level posting almost the exact same idea (including a few of those joke names). I thought about deleting it, but instead I was inspired by Reading Phillies. So I just renamed the thing and called it new.

A teaser headline in the Washington Post's sports section Sunday morning read, "Nats could spend big or little" in reference to the team's approach to free agency this year.

The story also noted that they could spend moderately as well. It really was an eye-opening investigation into how we all don't know exactly what the future will bring. I can't wait for next week when they run part two in their series, "Local sports teams may win or lose."

After Mike Vick threw yet another goal line interception in Monday night's game, ESPN analyst Jon Gruden stated in disgust that "I've never seen as many horrific turnovers in the red zone as I have with the Eagles this year."

Funny, I can think of one game in particular that was almost as horrific as the Eagles' play inside the 20 this season

Back in 1996, the Eagles traveled to San Francisco for a first round playoff game and lost 14-0. Eagles QB Ty Detmer actually led his squad into the red zone three times in the first half of that game, but he threw two red zone interceptions and missed a FG en route to the loss. It was an awful, painful game to watch.

The offensive coordinator for the Eagles that year? That would be Jon Gruden. And, no, I still haven't forgiven him.

Twice a year, the Eagles take on the Cowboys (three times if the football gods hate Philly that season). And twice a year, the good people of the eastern Pennsylvania region are forced watch those wretched devils take the same field as their beloved heroes (and, recently, Mike Vick too). It's like light versus darkness, played out against a field of green.

Think I'm exaggerating the situation? Just look at this anagram:

Philadelphia Eagles and Dallas Cowboys rivalry resumes Sunday
**A dun misery. Good and evil clash, we all pray Birds slay apes, heal us. 

No matter how bad the Eagles look, there are always two games to look forward to. Try not to screw this first one up, guys.

Week 9 standings

Heckuva job by Joel this week, who sneaks up the charts after a 180.68-pts performance. At the other end of the scale was Paul, who started four players on a bye this week and had almost as many pts left on his bench (44.44 pts) as he did among his starters (69.66 pts).

** I beat Dad in the picks this week, and I'm now a mere 10 games behind in the standings. Going into Sunday night's game, Dad was 86-44 picking games this year, more than a 66 percent success rate. ESPN has only one analyst doing better than that (Chris Mortensen) out of a dozen picking every game All I'm saying is, when Dad retires, ESPN could consider either hiring him or picking up some staffers who know more than him about football.

** Remember two weeks ago, when I went on a rant about how Eli Manning frequently has games where he creates more turnovers than TDs? In the two weeks since then he's repeated those performances. He's now had more turnovers than TDs in 14 of his last 41 games. Why is he considered a great QB again? He's Trent Dilfer, except with WRs who play great in Super Bowls.

** TE Jason Witten passed WR Michael Irvin as the Cowboys all-time pass catching leader on Sunday. Please update your voodoo dolls accordingly.

** Really glad the Eagles fired that defensive coordinator. The Eagles had more passing yards, rushing yards, first downs and time of possession than the Saints, and still lost by more than two TDs. A sub-.500 season doesn't look as difficult now.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 8

In honor of our weather this week, and because there's a 75 percent chance I won't have power in another five minutes, I'm posting early. So let's pretend that the MNF game didn't happen, and look at some great hurricane moments in sports.

** In June 2006, the Carolina Hurricanes won their first (and only) Stanley Cup Championship, thanks in part to forward (and former Philadelphia Flyer) Rod Brind'Amour.

** In January 2003, the Ohio State Buckeyes defeated the Miami Hurricanes for the college football national championship in an upset, double-overtime thriller.

** In October 2010, the Seattle Storm won their second WNBA championship, making them the most successful sports franchise in city history. 

**  In February 2009, the Ohio Vortex of the Professional Arena Soccer League won their final game of the season, 7-5 over the Winnipeg Alliance, to finish their inaugural season 8-8.

** In October 1999, 13 years ago this week, Dodgers P Sandy Koufax was honored as part of MLB's All-Century team.

QB: Matthew Stafford, 37.23 pts -- started by Jeff
WR: Titus Young, 27.67 pts -- on the wire
RB: Doug Martin, 33.77 pts -- on Joel's bench
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 29.73 pts -- started by Joel
K: Lawrence Tynes, 19.00 pts -- started by ChampMike
DEF: Miami, 28.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Tim Jennings, 15.50 pts -- on the wire

Not a great week for us, but I assume the real top performers will all be in that exciting 49ers-Cardinals match-up tonight. When was the last time that Michael Crabtree wasn't the top WR? (Checks his records). OK, never, but still...


"Craptastic" edition
3rd place: Robert Meachem, -0.60 pts -- on Jim's bench
2nd place: Minnesota, -5.00 pts -- started by ChampMike
1st place: St. Louis, -6.00 pts -- sitting on the wire

The Patriots/Rams game in London this weekend features a rare thrill for the British fans -- The worst possible fantasy performance by the St. Louis defense. 45 points allowed, no sacks, no turnovers, no positives ... U-S-A! U-S-A! How could they not love the NFL after that?

Four years ago yesterday, the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series, ending a 25-year championship drought for the City of Brotherly Love. 

Now, four years later, where are we? The city has won zero more championships since then, and Iran is four years closer to obtaining a nuclear weapon. 

Coincidence? 

Next Tuesday, vote Utley. 

On Friday, while I was watching the Moncton Wildcats play the Blainville-Boisbraind Armada -- the NHL channel was carrying Quebec Major Junior Hockey League action because of the lockout -- one of the announcers said that the Moncton defense was ...

No, you know what? I'm stopping there. I was watching the Moncton Wildcats play the Blainville-Boisbraind Armada. That's the stupidest thing I can thing of. Do you see what you've reduced me to, NHL? You really can't get your act together at all? What happens when I decide to stop watching the Eagles? (That happened three weeks ago.) Am I really going to have to watch regular season basketball? I thought we were more civilized than that.

For the record, the Wildcats won 3-2.

Typically, decoding the mystery that is the Dallas anagram insults is a time-consuming slog, devouring hours of my week and untold quantities of my energy. It's physically and mentally exhausting, a sacrifice of my sanity for the sake of humanity.

And then there are players like Cowboys SS Eric Frampton, whose name took me less than a minute to anagram six times:

Eric Frampton
** Frantic moper
** Prancer motif
** Prim face torn
** Confer armpit
** Farce in tromp
** Oft crap miner

"Confer armpit" is my favorite, thought I can't quite explain what it means.


Week 8 standings

These numbers were pulled Monday afternoon, so I'm not ready to say that I've been knocked out of first place. After all, I still have a linebacker to go. He could score 34 pts...

** Let's just say that I did not follow up on last week's success in the picks against Dad, and now I'm down 11. You don't need the rest of the details.

** Here's a quick bit of NFL trivia -- Only two men have caught passes from both Peyton and Eli Manning: WR Brandon Stokley and FB Jim Finn. Here's another bit of trivia -- both Manning brothers can rot in hell. I'm sick of those guys.

** I'm sick of the Giants and the Giants too. I hate all the Giants. I even hate Rick Moranis for making the movie "Little Giants" right now. Andre the Giant is still cool, rest his soul.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 7

Eagles Defensive Coordinator Juan Castillo was fired this week, despite 18 years with the team. In memory of his exemplary service for the birds, here's a look back at some of the recent highlights with the team:

** Sept. 18, 2011
-- Eagles blow a 10-point 4th quarter lead, lose to the Falcons. 

** Sept. 25, 2011
-- Eagles blow a 2-point 4th quarter lead, lose to the Giants. 

** Oct. 2, 2011
-- Eagles blow a 6-point 4th quarter lead, lose to the 49ers. 

** Nov. 7, 2011
-- Eagles blow a 4-point 4th quarter lead, lose to the Bears.

** Nov. 13, 2011
-- Eagles blow a 7-point 4th quarter lead, lose to the Cardinals.

** Oct. 7, 2012
-- Eagles blow a 1-point 4th quarter lead, lose to the Steelers.

** Oct. 14, 2012
-- Mike Vick commits his 13th turnover of the season. Eagles blow a 10-point 4th quarter lead, lose to the Lions. 

** Oct. 16, 2012
-- Juan Castillo is fired. 

The Eagles had a bye this week, so the team had time to welcome new DC Todd Bowles to the fold. In an unrelated story, Vick fumbled twice on Sunday despite not playing in a game. 

QB: Drew Brees, 37.18 pts -- started by me
WR: Randall Cobb, 28.59 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: Chris Johnson, 32.70 pts -- started by Heidi
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 23.20 pts -- started by Joel
K: Nick Folk, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Houston, 26.00 pts -- started by ChampMike
D: Brian Robison, 11.50 pts -- on the wire

Brees is the #2 fantasy player on the year so far, behind only Aaron Rodgers. The pair finished 1-2 last season too. Tom Brady, who finished third last year, is currently in fourth just behind rookie Robert Griffin III. Meanwhile, Cardinals starting QB John Skelton trails Rodgers by a mere 182.72 pts, and sits in 36th place among all passers.

"Surprising bottom dwellers" edition
2nd place: Phillip Adams, -0.88 pts -- started by Jeff
1st place: (tie) Tampa Bay, -4.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: (tie) Baltimore, -4.00 pts -- started by Joel

As bad as the Ravens and Bucs defenses were this week, nothing compares to the Oakland defense's performance so far this year. In six games, they've scored 13 pts, for a 2.17-pt average. For comparison, the Houston defense is second-best in the league, with 100 pts in seven games, or a 14.29 average -- almost seven times better.

For those of you playing NCAA fantasy football, here's a look at some of the top performers on the weekend:

QB: Seth Doege, Texas Tech: 54.72 fantasy pts
-- 318 passing yards, 7 TDs
RB: Kenneth Dixon, Louisiana Tech: 59.20 fantasy pts
-- 232 rushing yds, 6 TDs
WR: Tavarres King, Georgia: 33.53 fantasy pts
-- 9 catches, 188 yards, 2 TDs
QB/RB: Collin Klein, Kansas State: 59.02 fantasy pts
-- 323 yds passing, 3 TDs, 41 rushing yds, 4 TDs

DEF: Bowling Green: 29.00 fantasy pts

-- 4 turnovers forced, 1 TD, zero pts allowed

FYI, that Bowling Green win over UMass was the only shutout among the 59 NCAA FBS games this week. 

Three different times this weekend, I saw/heard Philadelphia sports pundits say the Phillies should consider getting Alex Rodriguez to play 3B for them next season.

All of these comments came after A-Rod batted .120 in the post-season and got benched three separate times in the playoffs. All of these comments came after A-Rod said he would not waive his no trade clause to play with someone besides the Yankees. And all of these comments came after national pundits openly speculated if A-Rod's career might be over.

The best Phillies suggestion I saw was in the Wilmington Snooze Journal, where one of their columnists suggested that A-Rod would be a good experiment at third, but only if the Yankees were willing to pick up $100 million of the $114 million still owed to him over the next five years.

I have a much, much better idea for next season: The Phillies should get Peyton Manning to play 3B for them next season, but first they have to get the Broncos to pay his entire salary and give the Phillies another $40 million. I know he's a prospect, and he's getting old, but he has a hell of an arm and the money works out great.

My suggestion makes as much sense as the A-Rod ones do.

The Maryland Racial Slurs and New Jersey Giants squared off against each other on Sunday, and next  week the G-men will travel down to Texas to face the Arlington Cowboys. With that in mind, here are some guidelines on how to root when rivals are playing each other:

-- Root for turnovers: You want to see a lot of them. Turnovers are always more indicative of offenses playing poorly than defenses performing well.

-- Root for fights: Not between the opponents, but among teammates. On Sunday, RB Ahmad Bradshaw was screaming on the sideline with Coach Tom Coughlin. Dissention? Yes, please. 

-- Root for a 4th Quarter collapse: The Racial Slurs were thiiiiiis close to winning the game, before they let up a 77-yard TD pass with less than two minutes remaining. It's demoralizing for them, and also panic-inducing for the winning team too.

-- Root for bad refs: See above. There's nothing more mind-breaking for both teams than to have the game decided on a blown call. One team gets a loss, the other gets a should-have-lost. 

-- Root for alien abductions: The best result possible for the Giants-Cowboys tilt would be for QBs Eli Manning and Tony Romo to be kidnapped by Martians in the 3rd quarter. The game would be declared a draw, and the human race would be better for it. 

The Cowboys backfield woes continued on Sunday (so sad!) with the team forced to press backup RB Phillip Tanner into the starting role. But in terms of karma, he's been starting player for the soulless squad his whole life. Just look at what his name says he'd do if given a full time role on the team.

Dallas Cowboys RB Phillip Tanner
** I'll pan crowds, sell porn, hit a baby 

I'm willing to bet that jerk would hit more than one baby, if given the opportunity.

Week 7 standings

Well, look at what we have here ... seems like Sam and Bob aren't the only ones who get a turn in first place this year. My squad posted a 187.89-point week, the best in the league since Dad scored 188.63 in September 2007. Yep, I do have those stats on file.

For the record, the best single-week total in league history was a 202.87 performance by Paul, again in September 2007. This week, he fell 86 points short of that.

** Finally, I posted a 3-2 record against Dad this week, pushing the deficit back under double digits to 9. If I can just pick up a game each week for the rest of the season, I'll be tied with him right before the playoffs begin.

** Credit where credit is due -- Eli Manning wins a lot of games, and has two Super Bowl rings. But we need to cut this "elite QB" crap with him already. Sunday was the 12th time in his last 39 games that he had more turnovers than TDs. Over the same stretch, Drew Brees (6), Tom Brady (3), and Aaron Rodgers (1) have fewer than that combined. Great QBs don't fix their screw-ups later in the game. They play well the whole time.

** Here's the easy guide on who to root for in the World Series: One team is named the Giants and used to play in New York. Root for the other team.