I know a lot of folks won’t get the chance to watch tonight’s Home Run Derby, so I’m writing a full recap so you don’t miss a minute of the excitement. 8:06 – Chase Utley is announced, and will bat third. The New York faithful sprinkle a few catcalls in with the cheers. Utley, apparently unaware there are cameras everywhere, yells, “Boos? Fuck you too.”
8:10 – For the third time in less than an hour, John Kruk picks Utley to win the Derby. I get it, ESPN. You love your predictions.
8:12 – Joe Morgan picks Utley too; This worries me. Chris Berman asks him if he likes second basemen so much, why didn’t he pick Roger Hornsby. Maybe because Horsnby has been dead for 45 years.
8:17 – Chris Berman announces, “We’re underway!” ESPN cuts to commercial.
8:21 – Finally, we’re actually underway with the second-best 2B in the NL, Dan Uggla of the Florida Fish.
8:22 – Home Run, Dan Uggla!
8:22:30 – Home Run, Dan Uggla!
8:23 – Home Run, Dan Uggla!
8:24 – Home Run, Dan Uggla!
8:26 – Home Run, Dan Uggla!
8:26:30 – Home Run, Dan Uggla!
8:27 – And he’s done. He posted six dingers, a 414-foot average, and a 437-foot longest blast.
8:28 – OMG, they’re not going to commercial.
8:29 – Next comes CF Grady Sizemore of the Cleveland Wahoos. Allegedly he’s leading the AL in homers, even though Cleveland has only scored 15 runs all season.
8:30 – Home Run, Grady Sizemore!
8:30:30 – Home Run, Grady Sizemore!
8:30:45 – Home Run, Grady Sizemore!
8:32 – Home Run, Grady Sizemore!
8:33 – Home Run, Grady Sizemore!
8:34 – Home Run, Grady Sizemore!
8:35 – And he’s done. Another six dinger score, a 440-foot average, and a 459-foot longest blast.
8:37 – I’m surprised no one has mentioned yet that this is the last year for Yankees stadium.
8:39 – Up comes Evan Longoria, 3B for the Tampa Bay not-Devil-Rays and wife of Spurs Guard Tony Parker.
8:40 – Homer, Evan Longoria!
8:41 – Home… nope, that’s foul.
8:42 – Home… nope, that’s foul.
8:42:30 – Home… nope, that’s foul.
8:43 – Homer, Evan Longoria!
8:43:30 – Home… nope, that’s foul.
8:44 – Homer, Evan Longoria!
8:45 – Wow, he blew. Three dingers, a 419 average and one that somehow went 446. I think they might have mismeasured.
8:46 – Now here’s what we’re waiting for….
8:47 – Chase Utley, you are the man!
8:48 – Chase Utley, you are the man!
8:49 – Chase Utley, you are the man!
8:50 – Chase Utley, you are the man!
8:51 – Chase Utley, you are the man!
8:52 – Ugh (ley). Five isn’t very exciting. I was hoping for 26. And they interviewed stinking 3B David Wright of the New York not Yankees while he was at bat. Official tally: Five dingers, a 402 average and one 434 blast.
8:54 – I’m surprised no one has mentioned at least seven times that this is the last year for Yankees stadium. Berman has only said it six times.
8:57 – Now batting: 87-year-old and three-time HR Derby loser 1B Lance Berkman.
8:58 – The old man goes out of the park!
8:59 – The old man goes out of the park!
8:59:30 – The old man goes out of the park!
8:59:45 – The old man goes out of the park!
9:01 – The old man goes out of the park!
9:01:30 – The old man goes out of the park!
9:01:45 – The old man goes out of the park!
9:02 –The old man goes out of the park!
9:03 – OK, eight dingers, 442 average and a 478 long shot. But he’s still ooooooold.
9:05 – As I watch these replays, I can’t describe to you how much less exciting the home runs are than the eight-year-olds fielding these shots. Against Berkman, some kid speared a homer in the stands. Against Utley, one kid had a sliding grab that got a standing ovation.
9:07 – Stepping in is Twins 1B Justin Morneau, and Rick Riley is complaining that this field is “too white.” He wants Ryan Howard and Albert Pujols here.
9:08 – A four-bagger for Morneau!
9:09 – A four-bagger for Morneau!
9:10 – A four-bagger for Morneau!
9:11 – A four-bagger for Morneau!
9:11:30 – A four-bagger for Morneau!
9:12 – A four-bagger for Morneau!
9:12:30 – A four-bagger for Morneau!
9:13 – A four-bagger for Morneau!
9:14 – Morneau with eight dingers, a 428 average and a 453 long shot. And thanks to the calculator that is ESPN, I’ve learned that both six and eight are more than five, so Chase Utley is eliminated.
9:15 – Milwaukee Brewer LF Ryan Braun is next up, and this is a real crock. How did he get an invite? Name one Milwaukee player known for hitting home runs.
9:16 – Braun goes long!
9:17 – Braun goes long!
9:17:30 – Braun goes long!
9:18 – Braun goes long!
9:18:30 – Oh yeah, Hank Aaron. Right.
9:19 – Braun goes long!
9:19:30 – Braun goes long!
9:20 – Braun goes long!
9:21 – Slow start, but he makes it to the next round. He ends with seven dingers, a 415 average and a 439 long one.
9:23 – I think he made it to the next round. ESPN didn’t tell me if seven was more than six.
9:27 – Up comes everyone’s favorite drug addict, Texas OF John Hamilton. He has promised to hit one out of the stadium, something no one has ever done.
9:28 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:28:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:29 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:29:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:30:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:31 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:32 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:33 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:34 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:35 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:35:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:36 – Wow, Rick Riley actually just said, “This is a new way for him to get high.” Wow.
9:36:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:37 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:37:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:38 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:39 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:39:30 – Geez, I think the record is 24. Stupid Bobby Abreau.
9:40 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:40:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:41 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:41:30 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:42 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:43 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:44 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:45 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:45:30 – Um, the record was 24…
9:46 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:47 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:48 – Crack! Hamilton is high … with that hit!
9:49 – Wow. That was un-freakin-believable. 28 dingers, a bunch of them over 500 feet. A 445-foot average, and a long of 518 feet. Total distance of those homers: Just over two miles…
9:50 – Erin Andrews just interviewed Hamilton’s 71-year-old American Legion coach, who throws batting practice for him and was the pitcher for that ridiculous display. Poor guy had to throw 56 pitches. Both men are beaming, but the geezer can barely hold his arm up.
9:52 – And that was a great ending to this scheduled two-hour event. Hamilton better stay sober, because he was the feel-good story of baseball before tonight, and is only gonna be hyped even more now. But that kid had Yankee stadium jumping up and down.
9:55 – Wait, there are two more rounds of this?
9:57 – As we start the second round … ah, screw it. I’m calling Hamilton the winner and changing the channel.
*** The Villanova Wildcats, who won the NCAA basketball tourney in 1986; 
*** The Philadelphia Kixx, who won the Major Indoor Soccer League Championship in 2002 and 2007; 
4 -- I'm glad Jaws got a championship. Everyone wants Jaws to have a championship. We just weren't hoping it'd be this one. 
