Fantasy League 2022 -- week 5 recap

This weekend saw the Phillies sweep their first-round playoff series, the Eagles win on the road to stay undefeated, the Philadelphia Union win to clinch the Eastern Conference, and the New York Mets eliminated from the MLB postseason. It was almost as perfect of a sports weekend as you can ask for … almost. Here’s how it could have been better:

** The Dallas Cowboys and New Jersey Giants could have lost.

** The Atlanta Braves could have announced they were forfeiting their upcoming playoff round because they fear the pain the Phillies will inflict on them.

** The Boston Celtics could have announced bankruptcy.

** The NFL could have announced they were stripping RB Emmit Smith of his rushing records because of any number of improprieties by the Cowboys in the 1990s and 2000s.

** The Eagles could have signed retired K David Akers to replace an injured Jake Elliot for this weekend’s game, and as he lined up for the game-winning FG in the 4th quarter, the snap could have sailed past the holder into Akers hands, where he unleashes a perfect surprise pass to unretired S Brian Dawkins flying down the field for a TD.

** The Flyers could have done … something positive.

QB: Josh Allen, 43.16 pts — started by Dad
WR: Gabe Davis, 24.90 pts — started by Jo
RB: Austin Ekeler, 33.03 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Travis Kelce, 29.17 pts — started by Joel
K: Nick Folk, 18.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: New England, 27.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Emmanuel Moseley, 10.00 pts — on the wire

Let’s clear this up right away: Taysom Hill is not a TE. He does not play TE. He should not qualify as a TE. But Yahoo for some reason still lists the Saints’ backup QB — who lines up as a wildcat RB or slot WR — as a “QB/TE,” which is not a thing. Hill went crazy this week, rushing for 112 yds and three TDs and throwing for another, to total 37.46 fantasy pts. But he was not the top performing TE on the week, because he is not a TE.

Totally normal stat line for Gabe Davis on Sunday: Three catches, 171 yds, two TDs. That translates into a 98-yd TD catch, a 62-yd TD catch, and a boring 11-yd catch where you have to wonder if Davis was just exhausted from running the length of the field twice already. The Bills WR was tied for 98th place in catches this week and first in fantasy points scored. Go figure.

“No defense for this” edition

3rd place: LA Chargers, -1.00 pts — started by Mike
2nd place: Cleveland, -2.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
1st place: Miami, -4.00 pts — started by Mom D

The Dolphins season so far: They beat the Bills and Ravens — two preseason Super Bowl hopefuls — and have lost to the 2-3 Bengals and New Jersey Jets. After a 3-0 start, the team is 3-2 and down to its third-string QB. I expect them to win their next five before losing the next five after that.

The Chargers were a trendy pick to be a surprise solid defense this year. Instead, through five games they have totaled 16.00 fantasy pts, 4.5 times fewer than the league leading Bills defense (72.00 pts), making them the second worst defense in football. It’d be easy to pick on them if it weren’t for the Lions — the worst team — who have just 9.00 pts through five games. What makes that even more impressive is they scored 13.00 pts in week 2 against the Maryland Commies. In their other four games, they’ve totaled -4.00 pts.


** Headline in the Washington Post on Friday morning: “The well balanced St. Louis Cardinals have an aura of destiny.”

This wasn’t the St. Louis Post Dispatch or a local Missouri TV station website. This was the Washington Post, an East Coast paper with no connection to the third-seeded Cards, the only division winner in the National League not to win 100-plus games. There was really no reason to overhype the mediocre team, but they decided to do it anyway.

Maybe next time stick to reporting on sports and not on auras.

** At the start of the 4th quarter in the Monday night game, the Raiders were facing a 3rd and 17 from the 30-yard line, down four points. ESPN commentator Troy Aikman gave this pre-snap analysis:

“Don’t be surprised when the Raiders go conservative here. Sure, they’d like a touchdown, but they need to make sure to get the points. They’ll look for something short.”

Sure enough, Raiders QB Derek Carr took the snap and … tossed the ball 32 yards downfield into the end zone, where a pair of Chiefs defenders knocked it out of the hands of a Las Vegas wideout.

Needless to say, I was not surprised by the “cautious” play call.

** A short while later, with 4:27 left in the game, the Raiders scored a TD leaving them down 1 to the Chiefs, 29-30. And then they elected to go for two, because analytics, I guess. And they missed. And they lost, 29-30.

Every week, an NFL head coach finds a reason not to tie a game. And most weeks, it hands them a loss.

On Monday, Carolina Panthers Head Coach Matt Rhule was fired after a disappointing 1-4 start to the season. The move wasn’t a surprise (NFL Network’s Peter Schrager actually predicted it on the Bill Simmons podcast last Thursday) but the names being offered up for the next coach canned are much more shocking. Consider the short list:

** Packers Coach Matt LaFleur: Yes, the Packers are 3-2. But they have looked uneven all season, and QB Aaron Rodgers is the moodiest player in the league. He may demand LaFleur’s firing just because he wakes up cranky on Thursday.

** Bears Coach Matt Eberflus: Did you know the Bears have a head coach? Neither did they. He would have been fired two weeks ago if management had realized he was in charge, but the team looks so disorganized that everyone assumed the players were just coaching themselves. When they find him, he’s likely gone.

** Colts Coach Frank Reich: Your team is supposed to get better after you trade away QB Carson Wentz, not worse. Everyone knows that.

** Eagles Coach Nick Sirianni: The birds’ 5-0 start has set unrealistically high expectations for the Philly football fans, especially given that the team has lost 19 offensive linemen to injury and still pays RB Boston Scott to be on the field. Sirianni’s firing would bring the fan base back to their normal panic and pessimism, making everyone feel more comfortable.

** Patriots Coach Bill Belichick: It’s only a matter of time until they find where he’s hiding the bodies of those kittens he has been slaughtering for fun.

After the draft, the Dallas brainstrust poured through college game film to look at which undrafted free agents might be able to help their team. One that caught their eye was Boston College C Alec Lindstrom, whose metrics all looked impressive. Of course, if the Cowboys scouts actually knew what to look for, they would have realized that Lindstrom’s own name proves he is a fraud:

Dallas Cowboys Center Alec Lindstrom
** Boloney crew: Call stats nerds, I’m a clod
.
You’d think their first interview question would be “are you a clod” but apparently they can’t even make the first step right.

** I went 11-5 in my picks this week and picked up three games on Dad, giving me a three-game lead for the year in our weekly prediction contest. Sadly, that also meant accurately predicting that the Cowboys would stomp all over the Rams. I’d have been happy to get that wrong.

** Here’s the thing: If the Eagles go 5-7 the rest of the season, they still end up with 10 wins, which is probably good enough to make the playoffs this year. And the Eagles have games left against the Steelers, Texans, Commies, Bears and Colts.

** The Braves won the season series against the Phillies 11-8 but only outscored Philadelphia by three runs in those 19 contests (88 runs to 85). So, I’m expecting both teams to trade blowouts for the first few games, then maybe have some close ones.

** Admit it, you had no idea there was an NFL coach named Matt Eberflus. In fact, you’re not positive right now that’s a real name. Maybe I made it up? Go ahead and check, I’ll wait here.


Week 5 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 4-1/705.58 pts
2 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome), 3-2/697.46 pts
3 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 3-2/602.02 pts
4 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 3-2/601.14 pts
5 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 3-2/572.36 pts
6 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 2-3/658.96 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 2-3/651.44 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-5/348.56 pts

The whole family league is starting to tighten up, with Elieen still out front but our two 2-3 teams actually outscoring three of our 3-2 teams. In fact, the current Yahoo predictions forecast a three-way tie at 10-5 for first place at the end of the year and a three-way tie for fourth at 8-7 (Yahoo still hates Dad’s team, though). Of course, Yahoo’s predictions are terrible, so I expect to see someone break out over the next few weeks.

Awesome Cup Standings

1 — Champ For Life (Jo), 662.17 pts
2 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 633.46 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 628.21 pts
4 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 613.91 pts
5 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 601.83 pts
6 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 582.67 pts
7 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 578.01 pts
8 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 540.98 pts
9 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 512.99 pts
10 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 487.84 pts
11 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 482.84 pts
12 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 456.64 pts

It was a nice two-week break while it lasted, but Joanna’s reign of terror has resumed atop the leaderboard. Her squad posted a monster 167.44 pts week more than twice the total of each of our three bottom finishers this week (Paul, Sam and Mike). My mediocre week drops me down to second, with Mom D and Joel lurking close behind.

Jeff and Dad made impressive climbs up the charts, while Mike surprisingly finds himself at the bottom of the pile, searching for answers.

Expect to be searching for more answers next week as we hit our first bye weeks of the season. If you have any Lions, Raiders, Titans or Texans, you’ve got to find a replacement this week. And don’t forget the epic Thursday night matchup of the Bears vs. the Commies. You’re probably not going to find much help there.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 4 recap

Things that have happened since the last time the Phillies were in the playoffs:

— The Eagles drafted QB Nick Foles, who led the team to the playoffs in his second year, then got traded the next year, then spent a few years with two other teams, then came back to the Eagles and became the first Super Bowl MVP in Philadelphia history.

— The Sixers drafted PG Michael Carter-Williams, saw him win the Rookie of the Year award, then traded him away, drafted C Joel Embiid, let him sit out his first two seasons, then saw him develop into one of the best centers in NBA history.

— Katie Ledecky won nine medals over two separate summer Olympics.

— Jalen Hurts finished eighth grade, then went on to high school, played football at the University of Alabama for a few years, and then was drafted into the NFL.

— The Phillies lost 893 games.

It’s nice to be back. Ring the bell!

QB: Jared Goff, 41.22 pts — on Mike’s bench
WR: Mike Evans, 22.87 pts — started by Sam
RB: Josh Jacobs, 30.97 pts — on my bench
TE: T.J. Hockenson, 29.93 pts — on Bob’s bench
K: Greg Joseph, 18.00 pts — started by me
DEF: New Jersey Giants, 17.00 pts — on the wire
D: Haason Reddick, 14.00 pts — on the wire

Ooof. Not our best week. I left 34 pts on my bench, almost all of it coming from Jacobs, who managed 26.64 pts in the first three games and all of that and more on Sunday. Mike’s QB mistake meant he started Russell Wilson instead … who scared 30.95 pts and was the fourth-best QB on the week. So, not as much damage there.

The Giants may have just barely edged out the Eagles as the top DEF on the week (17 pts vs 16 pts), but Eagles LB Reddick gets the top individual honors. All he had on Sunday were four tackles, two sacks, two force fumbles and two fumble recoveries. I had thought the team outlawed using linebackers in games after the departure of Jeremiah Trotter in 2009, but apparently not.

“Players we started” edition

3rd place: Richie James Jr., -0.80 pts — on Dad’s bench
2nd place: Tampa Bay, -1.00 pts — started by Paul
1st place: Melvin Gordon, -1.20 pts — started by Joel

Mind-boggling work by Gordon on Sunday, who rushed for 8 yds on three carries and fumbled once (which was returned for a Raiders TD). He’s got four fumbles in four games, but the Broncos lead RB, Javonte Williams, is now out for the season with a torn ACL, so he gets to keep his job. The football gods are cruel

Tampa was the top defense in the league coming into this weekend’s games, but the Chiefs made short work of that. Despite recording three sacks and an interception, the Bucs ended up in negative territory, allowing 41 points. The team is 2-2 and QB Tom Brady was complaining about arm pain after the game. Just saying…


** Just because it’s funny and intentional doesn’t mean it isn’t stupid.

During the Phillies/Natinals radio broadcast on Friday, DC batter Luke Voit was heard cursing loudly as he watched Philly P Zach Elfin sail strike three by him. Phillies announcer Chad Durbin didn’t miss a beat:

“Um, I’m pretty sure he said ‘front’ there. As in, he just threw a ‘front’ side slider to get that strike. Or maybe it was ‘Eflin.’ Yeah, I think he was mad at Elfin for striking him out.”

Very dumb, but very funny.

** With 4 minutes left in the game and the Bills tied 20-20 with the Ravens, Baltimore had the ball on the four-yard-line facing fourth and goal and opted to go for a TD. They failed badly, and Buffalo drove down the field and kicked the game-winning FG a few minutes later.

Ravens coach John Harbaugh justified the decision like this:

"If you kick a field goal there, now it's not a three-down game anymore, it's a four-down game. You're putting them out there, you're putting your defense at a disadvantage because they've got four downs to convert all the way down the field and a chance to again score seven, and then you lose the game on a touchdown."

Not only is that an impressive word salad, it makes no sense. If the Ravens were up by 3, the Bills wouldn’t have gone for it on 4th down in FG range. They would have tied the game. Yes, being up seven is better than being up three. But being up on the scoreboard is better than being tied.

Sometimes I wonder if NFL coaches get paid so much that they forget how to count.

** ESPN came out with its weekly NFL power rankings and the undefeated Eagles are … third. Behind the Chiefs, who lost to the 1-2-1 Colts, and the Bills, who lost to the 3-1 Dolphins. They also put the 3-1 Cowboys behind three 2-2 teams and the 3-1 Giants behind five 2-2 teams.

 
Sometimes I wonder if NFL analysts get paid so much that they forget how to count.

Speaking of undefeated teams, here’s how the last undefeated team in the NFL has fared over the last 21 years:

** Three of them missed the playoffs. This includes the 2014 Eagles, who were 3-0 (tied with three other teams) and finished 10-6 but lost out on the postseason due to tiebreakers.

** Eight lost in the Wild Card round of the playoffs.

** Four lost in the Divisional round of the playoffs.

** Three lost in the conference championship.

** Ten lost the Super Bowl. This includes the 2004 Eagles, who started the season 7-0, and the 2007 Patriots, who won their first 18 games of the season and lost the last one.

** Only one has won the Super Bowl. That was the 2006 Colts, who started the season 9-0 and finished the regular season with a 12-4 record.

So, the good news is that the final team to lose a game at the start of the NFL season has made it to the playoffs almost 90 percent of the time and to the Super Bowl almost 40 percent of the time. The bad news is that it hasn’t translated into a trophy for most of them.

Still, a trip to Arizona in February would be nice…


Dallas rookie RB Malik Davis still hasn’t appeared in an NFL game yet, but pundits are already calling him a prototypical Cowboys team member. It’s not for his play, or course, but because of his terrible depth of character. Just look at what the letters in his name say about him:

Rookie RB Malik Davis
** I like vodka, I rob rams.
** I like a dark boors vim.
** I like karma voids, bro.
** I like doom via ska. Brr.
** I like bravos, I am dork.

Bravo on making the team, dork. You fit right in.

** Won both of my games against Dad this weekend, so we are even on the year so far. Special thanks to the Raiders and Titans, two awful squads that somehow won to give me the edge. At the moment, Dad and I are both picking winners at a 60 percent rate, which isn’t too bad. ESPN has quite a few “experts” below that mark at the moment…

** Don’t look now, but the Blue Hens are 5-0 and have already defeated an FBS school (Navy) on the season. QB Nolan Henderson already has 14 passing TDs, and they’re in the top five in the FCS rankings. It has been 19 years since their last national championship, but a seventh school title could be looming.

** Congrats to Yankees 1B Aaron Judge on his historic march to hitting the seventh-most home runs in a single season. It’s definitely not a totally arbitrary mark.


Week 4 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 3-1/ 576.22 pts
2 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome), 3-1/ 565.04 pts
3 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 3-1/ 495.94 pts
4 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 3-1/ 449.56 pts
5 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 2-2/ 465.00 pts
6 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 1-3/ 518.60 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 1-3/ 497.98 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-4/ 272.98 pts

Unlike the NFL, the family league no longer has any undefeated teams. Mom started trash talking after a positive Thursday night but ended up crashing down to earth by the end of Sunday, losing to my team by 42 pts. Her team has had the softest schedule so far (fewest points scored against) while Uncle Jim has scored the third-most points in the league but sits down in sixth place because he has faced the toughest schedule so far.

Dad gets a much-needed matchup against the Dallas losers this week, but they have managed to score 80-plus pts the last two games. Might be a dangerous spot.

Awesome Cup Standings

1 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 518.94 pts
2 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 502.22 pts
3 — Champ For Life (Jo), 494.73 pts
4 — Crumb Bums (Ant), 487.21 pts
5 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 484.89 pts
6 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 469.67 pts
7 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 439.18 pts
8 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 431.57 pts
9 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 402.67 pts
10 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 398.59 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 391.47 pts
12 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 380.90 pts

Just a reminder that Yahoo picked Bob to finish first in the league in its pre-season rankings, because Yahoo’s algorithms are terrible and should always be ignored.

Another week atop the standings for me, while Jo slides down to bronze position as her mother surges up the charts (70 pts from her three starting RBs will do that). Sam was in last place one week ago, but he jumps into the single digits thanks to the highest score of any team over the weekend (130.70 pts). And Jonathan continues to ask if the Chiefs have one of the best offensives in the league, why then is he starting their defense. And I don’t have a good answer.

Another Thursday night game and another early Sunday London game this week, so check the rosters early. And bye weeks start in week 6, so look ahead two weeks from now to make sure there aren’t terrible gaps your roster similar to the gaps in the Jaguars; offensive line on Sunday. Four fumbles by the QB. Yikes.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 3 recap

OK, I’ll be that guy.

Everyone is all jazzed in Philly about how good the team looks and what their potential is. But there are huge red flags with this squad, and fans should be realistic about their ceiling.

For starters, the second-half offense has been dreadful. The team has shown only sporadic signs of life, and hasn’t been able sustain any momentum.

The defense is still shaky. Yes, they made improvements, especially in the middle of the field. But it still feels soft, and you have to worry when they’re going to make a key mistake and cost the team a game.

And let’s talk about leadership. Do you have confidence that the stars on this team can step up and be leaders? Sure, the new guys have looked great, and the young guys are coming along nicely. But great teams have those intangibles in the locker room, and right now you have to question whether these guys have that.

So, everyone needs to calm down. Yes, things have gone better than expected. But for everyone thinking about a deep playoff run for this group, there needs to be a dose of realism.

The fact is even with all their accomplishments so far, the Phillies are still only a sixth place team in the East. A playoff spot isn’t guaranteed.

Now, if you want to talk about a team to get irrationally excited about, it’s the Eagles. It’s pretty obvious that 15-2 is the worst this team can finish and I’ve already booked tickets to Arizona for the Super Bowl in February. That’s a sure thing.

QB: Lamar Jackson, 47.42 pts — started by me
WR: DeVonta Smith, 21.51 pts — started by Mom D
RB: Khalil Herbert, 30.00 pts — on the wire
TE: Mark Andrews, 21.93 pts — started by Ant
K: Greg Zuerlein, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: (tie) Philadelphia, 21.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: (tie) Denver, 21.00 pts — started by Sam
D: Denzel Ward, 11.50 pts — on the wire

We’re just three weeks into the season and Jackson, the former MVP, already has 12 total TDs and a 20-point lead in the fantasy standings. As someone who had him on a fantasy team last year, when he stunk, and this year, when he is awesome, I’m feeling somewhat conflicted right now. But I’ll take the points.

Welcome to the top performers, DeVonta Smith. All it took was a career day featuring eight catches for 169 yds, one TD, a 12-yard rush and an afternoon of embarrassing the Commie secondary. Not bad for a guy who everyone thought was washed up after a bad week one.

I don’t know how a Bears RB got on this list, I assure you the league is investigating now.

“Players we own” edition

3rd place: CJ Beathard, -0.10 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Sky Moore, -1.76 pts — on my bench
1st place: Chargers, -6.00 pts — started by Mike

Sky Moore was my deep pick to be a surprise rookie this year, since the Chiefs have no clear top wideout. Instead, he’s worth 2.14 fantasy pts through three games. So it may be time to cut him.

Congrats to the Chargers, the first team to bottom out in defensive fantasy pts this season. Minus-six means they allowed more than 35 pts (38, to be exact) and recorded no turnovers, no sacks and no signs of life. In fairness, though they were facing the vaunted … Jacksonville offense. So that makes sense.


** Here’s a brief recap of the Auburn/Missouri game:

— With two seconds left and the score tied at 14, Missouri lined up for a 28-yard FG … and missed, sending the game into overtime.

— Facing 4th and 12 in overtime, Auburn lined up for a 44-yard FG … and missed … but Missouri jumped offside, so they got another chance. They connected and took a 17-14 lead.

— On Missouri’s second play of overtime, from the 20-yard line, RB Nathaniel Peat ran around the end and down the sideline for a 19-yard gain … at which point he fumbled the ball trying to reach for the goal line. Auburn recovered, Missouri lost, 17-14.

 
Not sure I’ve ever seen a team work that hard to lose. And I’ve watched a ton of NFC East games over the last decade.

** Headline on NFL.com on Sept. 18, just before the Eagles/Vikings Monday night game: “Will Justin Jefferson become NFL's first 2,000-yard receiver?”

Jefferson’s stat totals since then: two games, nine catches, 62 yds. If he keeps up that pace, he should finish the year with 618 receiving yards, or roughly the same production WR Laviska Shenault had last year. And, by the way, Shenault has two catches for 90 yds and a TD this week, so I’m waiting for his historic profile now.

** NBC word salad chef Chris Collinsworth gave this recap of the day’s action during the first quarter of the Sunday night game:

“The league got more interesting today, didn’t it? The Bills got beat, the Dolphins are in first place. The Giants, the Eagles, those two teams got beat.”

Solid work there. The Dolphins were already tied for first. The Eagles won. The Giants did get beat ... a day later, on Monday Night football. The Bills did lose, so I guess we should be happy that his rambling had a sliver of truth.
 

The Vikings and Saints square off early Sunday morning in the NFL’s first London game of the year. This will be the first time the NFL has ever played a game in a country ruled by a king (RIP Queen Elizabeth) so the league is making numerous changes to adapt to the new monarchy’s demands:

— An extra “U” will be added to most words in the broadcast to appease the local fans. The game will now feature QBs Kurk Cousins and Jamus Winstun and will be broadcast in America on Fox Sports Netwourk.

— The field will be converted to the metric system. Teams can get a first down after every 9.1 meters.

— Before the game, the fans will stand and sing “God Save the King” instead of the previous tradition of singing “Wonderwall.”

— As a coronation gift, the NFL will give the new king the Jacksonville Jaguars. 

— Joe Buck will be beheaded before the game for crimes against the crown, specifically for ruining the English language.


Most of the Cowboys’ rookie class has been quiet so far this season, both on and off the field. That may seem surprising, but when you start to look closer at them, you understand why. Take, for instance, first round draft pick Tyler Smith. The Cowboys said they drafted him because they liked his “intangibles.” What they really liked was what his name clearly spells out:

Dallas Rookie Tackle Tyler Smith
** A total mockery. Lad likes Hitlers.

Liking one Hitler is bad enough. But liking multiple Hitlers? Disgusting. This team has no shame.

** Dad and I split the weekly picks again this week, although I wish we hadn’t. I knew the New Jersey Giants would lose to the Cowboys but was hoping for a 2-2 tie to embarrass both squads. Dad remains up 2 in the season standings, but I’ll fix that next week.

** Since Joanna asked, if the Eagles/Commies game had ended in a 24-2 score, it would not have been the first time in NFL history a game ended on those numbers. In fact, it has happened three other times, including in the 2012 playoffs (when the Giants beat the Falcons). BUT, Sunday’s 24-8 game was only the second time in NFL history a game has ended with that score. The other time was in October 1975 when the Houston Oilers beat the Lions, and who doesn’t remember that epic contest...

** As predicted, the only two undefeated NFL teams left are the Eagles and the Dolphins. And yes, those two teams have met in the Super Bowl before … in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. So I guess get ready for weeks and weeks of Jim Carrey clips.

 

Week 3 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown

1 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 3-0/393.18 pts
2 — Del-marvelous Diva (Eileen), 2-1/437.26 pts
3 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt Awesome), 2-1/420.62 pts
4 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 2-1/355.52 pts
5 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 2-1/335.48 pts
6 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 1-2/367.36 pts
7 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 0-3/367.24 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-3/189.66 pts

And we have a new leader in the family clubhouse. Aunt Elieen’s upset of my squad coupled with Mom’s win over Uncle Jim puts both of the Garrity women at the top of the standings. The men sit humbled lower down, for now. (Although I would point out I’m still way ahead of Mom in points).

This was also the first week that Dak Prescott didn’t have the lowest scoring team — they beat Jim’s squad by 10 pts. Lucky for him it wasn’t a head-to-head matchup.

Awesome Cup standings

1 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 392.31 pts
2 — Champ For Life (Jo), 388.11 pts
3 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 387.73 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 382.75 pts
5 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 357.32 pts
6 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 356.69 pts
7 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 355.93 pts
8 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 328.17 pts
9 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 300.89 pts
10 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 287.97 pts
11 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 282.58 pts
12 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 271.97 pts

And just like that, the streak is over. Joanna just missed making it a full calendar year atop the Awesome Cup leaderboard, but Lamar Jackson and my team did just enough to spoil her fun, at least for a moment. With just 4.2 pts separating our teams, I’m not running any victory laps yet.

Mom D actually had the best week of any team, totaling 154.71 pts and pulling herself up from 8th place to 4th. At the other end, Mike continues to tumble, thanks in large part to that negative Chargers defense and the continued ineptitude of Russell Wilson.

Now is a good time to get those rosters set for the Thursday night game — a Dolphins/Bengals matchup with a lot of key fantasy guys involved. And that stupid Saints/Vikings game starts at 930am, so make sure to check your roster again on Saturday night. And then twice on Sunday. You know what? Just stare at your team until this time next week, when I get the next recap up.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 2 recap

The Eagles snagged an impressive early season win against the Vikings on Monday night, but the celebration over the victory was marred Tuesday morning with the announcement that several players and staff are facing criminal prosecution for their actions during the contest. Here’s a look at the pending charges:

Theft (S Daris Slay): His second interception of the night was particularly egregious, given that as he grabbed the ball he also stole Kirk Cousins’ soul right out of his body. He’s also facing three counts of attempted robbery for dropped picks.

Assault (QB Jalen Hurts): His 26-yard TD run in the second quarter included brutalizing three defenders and then stepping over their crumbled bodies to get in the end zone. Paramedics noted that the scoreboard never recovered from the assault.

Public indecency (P Arryn Siposs): Following a blocked FG attempt, Siposs ran down Vikings CB Kris Boyd and tackled him to save a special teams TD. Authorities said that a punter outrunning a CB is not something that should be seen in civilized society.

Possession of stolen property (PG James Harden): Slay gave one of the footballs he stole to the Sixers star (watching the game from the expensive seats in the stands) so now he’s caught up in this legal controversy too.

Cannibalism (WR AJ Brown): At the end of the game, Brown bit off the head of a defender as a warning to future DBs. That apparently isn’t allowed anymore in the “woke” NFL.

Fraud (WR Justin Jefferson): Weird how Mr. “I’m going to be the first 2,000-yard receiver” was outgained by four different Eagles pass catchers.

QB: Tua Tagovailoa, 50.86 pts — on Jonathan’s bench
WR: Stefon Diggs, 33.87 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Nick Chubb, 29.93 pts — started by me
TE: Mark Andrews, 17.73 pts — started by Ant
K: Graham Gano, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Tampa Bay, 27.00 pts — started by Paul
D: Charles Harris, 10.50 pts — on the wire

I don’t care what you say, Slay was the top defensive performer of the week..

The two top QBs of the week were in the same contest on Sunday. Tua threw for 469 yds and 6 TDs in the Dolphins comeback 42-38 win over the Ravens, overshadowing Baltimore QB Lamar Jackson’s state line of 318 passing yds, 3 TDs, 119 rushing yds, 1 more TD (48.62 pts). After two weeks, Jackson is the top fantasy QB on the season and Tua is third, and the QB in between them is … Carson Wentz? Seriously? This league makes no sense.

“Funny names” edition

3rd place: Chuba Hubbard, -0.50 pts — on the wire
2nd place: DeeJay Dallas, -0.58 pts — on the wire
1st place: Brandon Powell, -1.42 pts — on the wire

Usually guys end up on this list because they muffed a punt or fumbled on their only carry. Powell went the extra step to earn his spot down here — he ran backwards 26 yds for a strategic fourth-quarter safety in the Rams win over the Falcons. Combined with some positive return yards, the special teams specialist is now in the lead for the fewest rushing yds on the season, with -23, just a mere 259 yds behind league leader Saquon Barkley.

Chuba Hubbard anagrams to “car had hubbub.” Just in case you were wondering.


** On Saturday night, while announcing an unrelated game, former QB Robert Griffin was reviewing the college football scores of the day and noted that Georgia’s 48-7 win over South Carolina shows that “they’re the only team out there right now that is really dominating.”

Also displayed on the screen while he said that:
#2 Alabama defeats UL Monroe 63-7
#3 Ohio State defeats Toledo 77-21
#4 Michigan defeats UConn 59-0

In fairness, from what we saw from Griffin’s pro career, looking at the second or third read was never his strong suit.

** Driving through the Philly burbs this weekend, I heard this ad on the radio:

“The Eagles take care when it comes to their personnel. And the Eagles take the same care when it comes to selecting their dentists. That’s why you should trust Dudhat Dental Group, the official partner of the Eagles.”

Not sure that’s the tact I would have leaned on in this partnership. The last thing I want to think about while I’m getting my teeth cleaned is whether the doc was vetted by the same people who thought JJ Arcega-Whiteside was a great receiving talent.

** Shout out to all the pundits who last year proclaimed that QB Joe Burrow and the Bengals “would be back” after they lost the Super Bowl. The team is 0-2 now after losing to a Pittsburgh and a Dallas team with backup QBs. Looks like that path to the Lombardi trophy is secure.

During Sunday’s game against the Saints, Bucs QB Tom Brady was seen on the sidelines spiking a Microsoft tablet into the ground in a fit of frustration (even though his team was winning). This is the second time in two years that Brady was seen tossing a tablet during a game, and he even got a warning last season from NFL officials not to damage the expensive equipment (because, you know, the NFL can’t afford to replace them.)

Team officials and Microsoft execs laughed off the incident, but Brady’s actions actually exposed some hidden, deep-seated anger that he has been holding in. Consider the possible causes for his inner rage:

** Microsoft tablets usually weigh about 1.5 pounds, and everyone knows Brady prefers things he has to hold to be deflated to less than one pound.

** Loading times for the tablets are usually under a minute, but Brady gets angry every time he can’t get a play done in less than four seconds.

** The type on those tablets is very small, and Tom Brady cannot read. Really. Not many folks know that. He’s totally illiterate.

** Microsoft is actually a rival for Brady, who has developed a TB12 tablet that stays on way after anyone wants to use it and forbids you from eating fruit.

** Brady just likes to throw things into the ground because he is a petulant baby.

The Cowboys made a bold decision in the offseason not to re-sign WR Amari Cooper and replace him with third-round draft pick Jalen Tolbert. And in the first two games of the season, Tolbert has been … a healthy scratch, because of inconsistent play throughout the preseason. The move came as a shock to football pundits, but it should have been expected, given what Tolbert’s name clearly spells out:

Dallas Cowboys Rookie WR Jalen Tolbert
** A sad joke. Low talent, wobbly coils. Error.

In the Cowboys defense, Cooper only had 10 catches for 100 yds and a TD this week, so he is clearly washed up.

** Dad got the better of me this week, picking up two games in our weekly picks contest. Clearly my faith in the Panthers was misplaced.

** The New York media made a big deal out of the Giants, Jets, Yankees and Mets all winning on Sunday, the first time that has happened since 2009. I’m not sure why, since only two of those teams play in New York. Must just be some regional affinity, I guess.

** Stat of the week from G: Jalen Hurts has 723 total yards so far this season. That’s more than 18 other NFL teams.

I didn’t bother to check if it’s true, because it sounds right and feels fun.


Week 2 standings

Garrity Family Throwdown League

1 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt Awesome), 2-0, 296.02 pts
2 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 2-0, 281.70 pts
3 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 2-0, 264.28 pts
4 — Eisey's Outstanding Team (Eileen), 1-1, 294.14 pts
5 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 1-1, 248.68 pts
6 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Uncle Jim), 0-2, 261.24 pts
7 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 0-2, 247.66 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-2, 107.86 pts

Two weeks in and we’re already got two teams tilting. Dad and Uncle Jim have both lost their first two matchups, and both have to face off against 2-0 teams next week. Meanwhile, apropos to nothing, it’s always good to be the guy who sets up the league…

For the record, I did switch the QB of the all-Cowboys team to make sure that Cooper Rush’s points were counted. It did not help much.

The Awesome Cup standings

1 — Champ For Life (Jo), 295.73 pts
2 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 267.15 pts
3 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 245.19 pts
4 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 242.39 pts
5 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt Awesome), 241.32 pts
6 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 239.02 pts
7 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 237.06 pts
8 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 228.04 pts
9 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 218.03 pts
10 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 192.15 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 181.28 pts
12 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 172.54 pts

Anybody remember week 5 of last season? We managed to start all of the top performers, the Eagles were 2-3, and the 2021-2022 NFL season was just beginning. It was also the last time anyone other than Jo was atop the Awesome Cup standings. She’s been in the #1 spot for 15 straight weeks now, the longest such streak in league history (probably. I’m not looking it up). This week’s strong showing came on the backs of NFL greats like … rookie Jets WR Garrett Wilson and Jacksonville RB James Robinson. And with a 28-pts lead over second place, she could stay there for a while.

Great bounceback week for Jonathan and Dad, who climbed from the bottom of the rankings to the top rather quickly. Meanwhile, Jeff and Mom D saw their teams fall off a cliff.

Get your rosters set early — This week’s Thursday game is Steelers vs. Browns, but the good news is that it’s only on Amazon Prime again, so you can’t accidentally turn it on and see the horrors it contains.

Fantasy League 2022 -- week 1 recap

Eagles WR AJ Brown caught 10 passes for 155 yds in his first game with the Eagles on Sunday, accounting for one-third of the team’s offense for the day and 65 percent of the team’s receiving yards. The impressive debut begs the natural question of where he ranks among the best Browns in Philly football sports history. Consider the other contenders:

** DT Jerome Brown: #99 holds the #1 spot for now. The Pro Bowler was a fearsome presence on the field before his death in 1992. His number was retired by the team shortly thereafter.

 
** WR Reggie Brown: From 2005-2007, Brown had 150 catches for 2,167 yds and 16 TDs. He was the overlooked wideout bridge between Terrell Owens and DeSean Jackson, but deserves more credit for helping extend the Donovan McNabb era a little longer.

** Eagles DE Reggie White: One of the greatest defensive players in NFL history, but he does not come close to qualifying as one of the better Browns to play here. One of the best color names? Sure. But he’s just all wrong for this.

** DB Sheldon Brown: Over eight years with the Eagles, Sheldon collected 351 tackles and 19 interceptions. He’s best remembered for killing RB Reggie Bush during the 2006 NFC playoffs, for which he was arrested but never charged because no one liked Bush.

** The Eagles brown pants: For the first two seasons of the franchise, in 1933 and 1934, the team wore brown pants with blue and yellow jerseys. Apparently the plan was to blind opposing teams with hideous fashion. It didn’t work, the team went 7-12-1 over that stint and changed to silver pants in 1935.

** Eagles WR Na Brown: He was drafted the same year as McNabb and stunk. For whatever reason, I have a lot of old online accounts with the handle “nabrownsux.” It’s literally the only reason I remember who he was.

** Phillies OF Domonic Brown: He made the All-Star team in 2013 and was supposed to be the team’s next big star. For all I know, he is now working as a parking attendant at the Eagles games.

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 44.90 pts — started by Jo
WR: Justin Jefferson, 28.77 pts — started by Sam
RB: Saquon Barkley, 29.40 pts — started by Mom
TE: Travis Kelce, 18.07 pts — started by Joel
K: Younghoe Koo, 19.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Pittsburgh, 27.00 pts — on Ant’s bench
D: Minkah Fitzpatrick, 17.50 pts — on the wire

The top four spots on that list were all occupied by players taken in the first three round of this year’s fantasy draft, so no huge surprises there. In fact, 20 of the top 21 scorers on the week were on somebody’s roster. The only omission? Maryland Commies QB Carson Wentz, the #3 player on the week (36.22 pts in his team’s win over the Jags). He also threw a fourth-quarter interception that led directly to a Jacksonville TD, so I’m sure that’s out of his system now and won’t be an issue the rest of the year.

The Steelers are in a rebuilding year, after the departure of QB Ben Roethlisberger and a host of other established names. So naturally they went out and upset the Super Bowl runner-up Bengals on Sunday. Fitzpatrick had 10 tackles, an interception, a blocked kick and a TD in the game. Pittsburgh fans haven’t had to endure an actual losing season since 2003, so if they do start to fall apart as the year goes on, nobody should feel bad for them.

“Opening screw-ups” edition

3rd place: James Cook, -1.80 pts — on Jo’s bench
2nd place: Detroit, -2.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Arizona, -4.00 pts — on the wire

Only two offensive players scored below zero this week, with Tampa WR Breshad Perriman losing 7 yds on a rushing attempt to total -0.70 pts. Cook, the younger brother of Vikings RB Dalvin Cook, fumbled on his sole rushing attempt Thursday night for the Bills, who didn’t need him at all in the end. Still, not the best way for the rookie to start his career.

Detroit was a bottom 3 defense last year and started off this season in the same fashion. In fact, the Lions defense has totaled just 70 fantasy points over the last 34 games. For comparison, the Dolphins defense (not considered elite) has totaled 39 points in their last two games. The coaching staff might want to work on that half of the ball a little.

** The Rams opened up the NFL season on Thursday night with a home game against Buffalo. The season started on the same field where last year’s ended (with the Rams winning the Super Bowl) and with the team wearing the same uniform set as they did when they lifted the Lombardi trophy: their blue, white and yellow “modern throwback” jerseys.

You know, as opposed to the “alternate primary” jerseys or the “reimagined traditional” jerseys. I for one was hoping for their “sleeveless sleeved” jerseys.

Honestly, my brain was ready for the “Thursday night edition of Sunday night football” this year, but not for announcers babbling about new old jerseys.

** NBC Sports Philly came up with the most Philly headline ever after Sunday’s win against the Lions: “Why AJ Brown might be too good.” The logic, of course, is that because Brown is such a solid WR, the other options on the team — particularly DeVonta Smith — won’t be force-fed the ball enough to learn the position quickly, and the Philly passing offense may be too one dimensional.

That’s definitely something I’m worried about with a QB who always thinks run first and has only thrown more than 300 yds in a game twice. Please don’t let him have one elite receiver, it might hurt the feelings of the mediocre ones.

** On Sunday, the Los Angeles Dodgers became the first team to clinch a playoff spot after they beat the Padres 11-2. The team had a small celebration in the locker room, but since it was their 10th consecutive postseason berth, the party was appropriately subdued.

And that’s great, because on Monday MLB announced that actually, they got the math wrong, there was still a scenario where the Dodgers could lose their next 23 games, get into a three-way tie with other teams and miss out on the postseason. They apologized, and the Dodgers will likely still clinch sometime this week.

How does that happen? Doesn’t MLB have people whose whole job is just to keep track of this stuff? The league has an entire web page dedicated to tiebreakers, playoff game dates and “the longest postseason homers since 2015.” There’s no one on staff who can count?

FYI, the Phillies magic number for a playoff berth is 21. That’s the combination they need of wins, or Brewers losses, or Padres losses, or maybe Eagles losses? I dunno. And I can’t ask MLB to explain it to me anymore.

Actual parlay bets that I thought about making in Atlantic City in mid-August that I now regret passing up:

** Eagles over 9.5 wins, Jaguars over 6.5 wins, Eagles make the playoffs, Jaguars make the playoffs. ($10 bet pays out $287)
— The birds have a suddenly easy path to the NFC East title, and the Jaguars play in a division that saw no teams win in week 1. This feels very possible.

** Titans, Niners, Cowboys and Dolphins all miss the playoffs. ($10 bet pays out $233).
— The first three all looked terrible this week, and the Dolphins still have to play the Bills twice and always lose to the Jets once. I wouldn’t be betting on any of them to make the playoffs.

** Eagles win the NFC East, Eagles over 9.5 wins, Giants miss the playoffs, Commies miss the playoffs ($10 bet wins $128).
— The only real downside here is that the NFC East might be won with seven victories. The division don’t look so good.

** Packers under 11.5 wins, Bucs under 11.5 wins, Packers miss the playoffs, Bucs miss the playoffs. ($10 bet wins $640)
— OK, this is still a long shot. But neither team looked good in week 1, and Brady is getting older and older…

** Cowboys, Commies and Giants miss the playoffs. Eagles win the Super Bowl. ($10 bet pays $2,988).
— Still tempting.

Really bad opening week for the Cowboys — not only did they lose in embarrassing fashion on national TV, but they also may have lost starting QB Dak Prescott for the next two months with a thumb injury. This is the latest in a series of significant injuries for Prescott. In fact, we had an anagram on his leg injuries just last season. So it’s only fitting to rearrange the letters in his name to show that a hand injury should come as no surprise either.

Cowboys Dak Prescott’s hand injury
** Pa can just cry: His body doesn’t work

Remember, you can’t spell “Dak Prescott” without “rotted packs.”

** Dad and I split the opening weekend of picks, going 10-6, which feels like a solid start. I’m not sure anyone in America picked the Bears to win that game against the 49ers, so we can’t feel too bad about dropping that one.

** The Cowboys are 32nd in the league in points scored. Just saying.

** FYI, I’m saving all of my “tie game” jokes for when the Eagles end up in a baffling draw against the Giants later this year.


Week 1 standings

1 — Eisey's Outstanding Team (Eileen), 1-0/164.22 pts
2 — Jimmy's Chicken Shaq (Jim), 1-0/138.72 pts
3 — Mary Alice's Primo Team (Mom), 1-0/137.30 pts
4 — Always Runny in Philly (Capt. Awesome), 1-0/128.96 pts
5 — Chief Little Owl - JJG (Younger Jim), 0-1 142.12 pts
6 — Mailata Man or Beast? (Dad), 0-1/123.68 pts
7 — Stacked Dead Achterts (Carl), 0-1/107.08 pts
8 — America's Losers (Dak Prescott), 0-1, 38.66 pts

Oh, were you expecting different standings?

This year marks the start of the Garrity Throwdown League, open to family members who wanted to play fantasy football but needed more family drama involved. Our opening week featured one son getting beat badly by his mother, one father getting beat narrowly by his son (ahem) and Mom beating the snot out of our special team, the 2022 Dallas Cowboys (the roster is nothing but Dallas players, and they are not good).

We still haven’t decided on a prize for the winner of the league, but needless to say it won’t be as coveted as some other league’s trophies. Speaking of which, onto the Awesome Cup standings…

1 — Champ For Life (Jo), 152.84 pts
2 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 128.07 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 121.12 pts
4 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 115.58 pts
5 — Let's Go Iggles! (Paul), 114.33 pts
6 — JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome), 109.33 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 105.77 pts
8 — Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad), 104.85 pts
9 — More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 99.39 pts
10 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 96.73 pts
11 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 92.26 pts
12 — Room Temperature Icers (Sam), 91.46 pts

New year, same song — Jo finished last season at the top of the leaderboard and starts there again. In fact, the distance between her and second place is the same gap between second and eighth place.

Still, it was a strong opening showing all around. When the last place team almost breaks 100, you know it’s going to be a close season. Heck, even Paul set his roster!

Remember that waivers run on Tuesday nights (for both leagues) so if you want to pick up any new players, get your claims in early or watch the good ones get stolen away. And get your rosters set for Thursday — the early game this week is Chiefs vs. Chargers, which could produce plenty of scoring. Or a 9-3 dudfest, if the featured games this weekend contaminate the rest of the NFL.

Fantasy League 2022 -- pre-season rankings

The teams have been picked, your fate has been sealed, and the fantasy season is just a mere formality now. We’ll play along anyway, just for fun, but here’s how the season is going to shake out:

Let's Go Iggles! (Paul)
Yahoo ranking: 2056.48 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 1505.01 pts, 12th place
Paul was penciled into the last spot here even before we drafted, because the odds of him checking his lineup after week 4 are about 10-to-1. But he also may have ended up with the riskiest team on the board. QB Tom Brady? Currently in a mid-life crisis. RB Christian McCaffery? Hasn’t stayed healthy either of the last two years. WR Tyreek Hill? A great talent now with a poor QB. TE Pat Freiermuth? Great name, uneven player. All that adds up to a lot of question marks and another shaky season ahead for Paulie.

Patriots Secret Cam (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 2005.47 pts, 11th place
My ranking: 1644.98 pts, 11th place
I don’t have any real problems with Joel’s squad, other than I hate his QB (Dak Prescott) and I his starting RB (Damien Harris) is at best a third-stringer and I believe TE Travis Kelce will really drop off this year and there isn’t a single player on his bench I think will finish in the top 20 at their position this year and WR Cooper Kupp can’t possibly be as good as he was last year. Oh and WR Tee Higgins has a funny name. Beyond that, the team is fine.

Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 2029.17 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 1884.66 pts, 10th place
Mike never finishes this low, so I know this prediction is gonna haunt me in January. But there is not a lot to like with this team. Too many Cowboys (WR CeeDee Lamb, RB Ezekiel Elliott), too many players who look like shells of their former selves (RB JK Dobbins, TE Darren Waller) and another running back who is starting only because his teammate was shot in the leg (RB Anonio Gibson, true story). Add in an overhyped, can’t-possible-repeat-last year WR Jamar Chase, and there’s the potential for a mess here.

Mailata's Size 18 Shoes (Dad)
Yahoo ranking: 2147.07 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 1919.18 pts, 9th place
This is already a victory for Dad, because for the first time in three years Yahoo didn’t pick him to win the league. That prediction has been a consistent kiss of death (sorry, Bob) — In the 21 year history of the league, Yahoo has never accurately picked the eventual winner (probably. I’m not checking). Sadly for Dad, his team name is better than his squad. He took All-Pro QB Josh Allen in the first but ended up with middling WRs and RB in exchange for that heavy price. The Buffalo defense looks good in real life but subpar for fantasy. And I’ll bet you $20 right now he can’t pronounce his TE’s name (it’s Davis Ngoku). You know why I’m so sure? He didn’t even notice that I spelled it wrong (it’s Daveed Ngokou). If you can’t name your players, how can you win a championship?

More Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan)
Yahoo ranking: 2022.08 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1945.00 pts, 8th place
It’s gonna be tough for our youngest player to repeat his brilliance from his rookie year, when he finished second. Jonathan has five WRs that could start on anyone else’s team (Stefon Diggs, Keenan Allen, Mike Williams, JuJu Smith-Schuster, Tyler Lockett) and he may only have one RB he can start for week 1 (Miles Sanders is hurt? I’m shocked. Just shocked). QB Joe Burrow should be back from his appendectomy for week 1, and that’s a sentence you love to see attached to your fantasy team. But Jonathan’s youthful enthusiasm may be enough to make this all work.

No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 2177.17 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 1998.76 pts, 7th place
Poor Bob. Yahoo picked him to be great this year, so this will be a disaster. And it’s easy to see how. He ended up with two middling TEs (T.J. Hockenson and Dallas Goedert) instead of a third good RB or WR, and then the autodraft picked TWO MORE FOR HIS BENCH for some ungodly reason. His top pass catcher is Chris Godwin, who may be dead (the NFL has him listed as “questionable” officially). RB Alvin Kamara could be suspended for an offseason fight. And he drafted S Amani Hooker, who will end up on a “real player or name I made up?” list at some point this season. Lucky for Bob, he doesn’t care that I don’t like his team.

Ouch! It Hurts (Mom Doyle)
Yahoo ranking: 2162.30 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 2022.97 pts, 6th place
Mom, listen to me. Do not drop WR DeAndre Hopkins. Yes, he is suspended for six games. No, you should not drop him. He will be really good in October. You will need him then. Do. No. Drop. Him. Until then, this team’s four RBs will carry the squad (Austin Ekeler, Saquan Barkley, James Conner and QB Jalen Hurts). Not having an actual, professional QB will be problematic, of course, but passing is overrated in today’s NFL anyways.

Room Temperature Icers (Sam)
Yahoo ranking: 2032.30 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2032.21 pts, 5th place
Huh. Yahoo picked Sam to finish 7th last year too. Did he piss off someone over at the world’s 4th most popular search engine? Sam has hands down the best WR corps of anyone in the league — Justin Jefferson, Mike Evans, and Deebo Samuel are all pre-season top 8 receivers. Sadly, he has no RBs to compliment them. Maybe RB Dameon Pierce can turn into the superstar people are predicting, but anytime you hitch your wagon to the Texans, it’s a dangerous game.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 1967.90 pts, 12th place
My ranking: 2101.01 pts, 4th place
Jeff ended up with a lot of gamble picks that I like. QB Trey Lance is the biggest risk of the draft, but he’s backed up here by a solid WR corps (Davante Adams, AJ Brown, DK Metcalf), a reliable backup passer (Kirk Cousins) and a good RB tandem (Dalvin Cook, Kareem Hunt). WR Rashod Bateman and RB Travis Etienne could be superstars too … or total busts. I think Indianapolis is the sleeper defense of the year. And 700-year-old Zach Ertz? Maybe, maybe, maybe…

JJaw dropping skillz (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 2031.25 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 2133.33 pts, 3rd place
Yahoo always hates me, but that’s because I consistently perform better in my weekly and yearly picks then their algorithms do. And this year is no exception. My RB corps is stacked — Derrick Henry with the 8th pick? You all are drunk! — accompanied by comeback player of the year QB Lamar Jackson and Archbishop Wood alumnus/TE receiving leader for 2022 Kyle Pitts working alongside them. Do my wideouts stink? Yes. Will I end up starting the remains of Julio Jones at some point? Yes. But it’ll still be enough to be in the running for my fifth Awesome Cup championship this year.

For the record, Dad’s TE is actually spelled “David Njoku.” It’s pronounced “En-Jo-Koo.” But, to my earlier point, we’re all the way down here in the rankings and he still didn’t see the mistake until now.

Not That Four Seasons (Ant)
Yahoo ranking: 2073.04 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 2202.55 pts, 2nd place
I’m not happy that I like Ant’s team this much, but here we are. Last year’s rushing champ? Jonathan Taylor, check. A fantasy-points vacuum at QB? Kyler Murray, check. Up and coming WR superstar? Chris Olave, check. A top defense playing a soft schedule? San Francisco, check. A player who can likely be worked into tons of jokes? TE Isaiah Likely, check. Sure, coaching will be a problem here, but if Chip Kelly taught us anything, it’s that talent can overcome poor leadership for a short while.

Champ For Life (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 2035.14 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 1st place, 2405.33 pts, 1st place
You’re at the top until someone climbs higher than you, and right now Joanna isn’t showing any signs of slowing down after last year’s championship run. This is a sneaky good roster. QB Patrick Mahomes is somehow underrated all of the sudden. RBs Aaron Jones and D’Andre Swift could be the sleeper RBs of the year. And even all these second-string wideouts that make up her squad look like quiet stat heroes — Jerry Jeudy, Gabe Davis, Allen Lazard. Throw in an Ohio State hero on her bench (Garrett Wilson) and the bespeckled K Rodrigo Blankenship, and that’s a good looking squad. At least until it all falls apart because I cursed her by picking her this high.

There you have it — time to tear Joanna down off her perch. In case you forgot, here’s what we’re all fighting for:

Thanks again for playing along with this nonsense year after year. Remember to get those rosters set for the Thursday night game. Only 18 weeks of football left until we crown the next champion.

Fantasy League 2022 -- draft order announcement

It’s hard to believe that this whole enterprise was just a little baby of a league once, too small and fragile to understand the complexities of the world held inside it. But that is no more. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the 21st season of our fantasy football battlefield, which means the league is old enough to get drunk this year. And get drunk it shall — off the tears of heartbreak and agony provided by your failures throughout the year.

But before we can get to that sweet, sweet vintage, we need our annual draft order unveiling. And to help with that, we have a special guest this year: none other than former Eagles wideout JJ Arcega-Whiteside. As a sign that there is no ill-will between myself and him after his disappointing stint with the Eagles, JJAW has graciously agreed to hold the helmet where the names are drawn to help officially start the year.

(JJAW is handed the helmet)

(JJAW drops the helmet)

(JJAW is handed the helmet a second time)

(JJAW bats the helmet into the air where it is intercepted by a Giants defensive back)

(JJAW is dismissed forever from league activities)

Sigh. OK, here are the rules of how we do the draft order every year. And the name selection will be done by the younger half of the stars of the Junior Awesome blog, since the older half is an active participant in the league. We’re not even going to let him in the room for the event. We’ve told him to go sit on his bed and think about what he has done. Everyone else’s proxy is present for the festivities, so the first four names go into the helmet, and the initial loser selected is …

Pick #12 — Jo

The winner of “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time” gets the last pick in the first round this year. Titles last forever, so that should be enough to raise her spirits, but Joanna’s representative at the draft — an old Eli Manning bobblehead doll I keep meaning to throw away — shakes its head in disappointment. Jo again asks why she needs a proxy if she is standing right here for the drawing. She is ignored, and we move onto the next name, which is…

Pick #11 — Jonathan
A yell goes up from the other room, which is also ignored. Jonathan finished second in the league in his rookie year, picking from the #12 spot. So the #11 spot should mean he improves his final standing by one as well, right? The boy’s stand-in, a Lego figure of Hagrid from the Harry Potter series, stares blankly ahead in response. The other child and I press on to get the next name out, which belongs to …

Pick #10 — Mike
You’d think with her birthday around the corner, the younger child would want to be helping out family members who could be buying her nicer birthday gifts, but not so much. Last year’s fourth-place finisher falls one spot in the draft order. His proxy, a camp fan with Darth Vader stickers on it, blows a foreboding wind across the desk as I record the spot. Sensing danger, the girl child and I move on to the next pick…

Pick #9 — Bob
So far, there’s not a lot of drama in the picks this season. Bob finished in third place in 2021, which means our top four finishers got the bottom four draft picks. And really, that’s how drafts are supposed to work. Bob’s representative, a vintage Harry Kalas bean bag doll, smiles on in approval. I can almost hear Bob singing “High Hopes” as he looks forward to his meh draft position. Another name goes into the helmet, and the next sucker picked out is…

Pick #8 — Capt. Awesome
Well, that’s not great. Every year I think this ridiculous draft order scheme is going to help me, and every year I manage to move up several spots to a worse pick. I do, however, have the best proxy of anyone in the room to help inspire me to greatness: my new #20 Brian Dawkins Phillies jersey T-shirt. No, you read that right. A Dawkins Phillies shirt. I actually own one. And it is glorious:

So, in an important way, I have already won this year. But we continue on with picking the names anyway, and the next one out is…

Pick #7 — Jeff
Jeff finished 6th last year so his pick here is … exactly where he should have picked. Huh. I was really expecting more excitement this year. The Blue Collar Killers, represented by my unfolded blue dress shirts sitting in a pile by the couch, crumple slightly in agreement. The girl child asks if she’s in trouble for already picking out my name. I tell her to finish her work because she’s sleeping on the floor tonight. The next name out of the helmet is …

Pick #6 — Pop
Oooh, tough break for Pop, who falls two spots from his disappointing 2021 9th place finish. His proxy, the latest copy of the C4 newsletter, notes that “when attempting to assign a grade to colonial coins, it is extremely important to look not only at the relief detail of the coin, but also at the surfaces of the coin.” Please keep that in mind when you’re trying to decide where to rank older surfaces like QB Tom Brady in your pre-draft rankings. Onto the next name, which belongs to…

Pick #5 — Grandmom Linda
Oh, I get it now. The girl child moved Grandmom up in the rankings three spots because she knows who always buys the most presents.On cue, Grandmom’s representative — a roll of Christmas wrapping paper — falls from a nearby shelf and starts to wrap itself onto some old toys. This is the most questionable draft decision since the Eagles took WR Jalen Reagor over WR Justin Jefferson. (Still on the team, somehow!) The final four names are in the helmet, and the next spot goes to …

Pick #4 — Joel
Joel ends up with the most problematic pick in fantasy football, where all the experts tell you to take the first WR but most folks take the fourth RB instead. His stand-in, a football autographed by Rich Gannon, seems to suggest he should consider taking a QB instead. It’s bad advice, but at least it's on brand. Jonathan asks if he’s allowed out of his room yet. He is ignored, and another name is drawn out …

Pick #3 — Sam
Great news for Sam, who moved up four spots to grab the bronze medal pick slot. His proxy, a copy of “Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl,” promises Ninja-Turtle-level pain for the rest of the league. Or maybe it’s Spongebob-level. I’m not sure which one would be more fearsome on a football field. The younger child asks if Sam might buy her a birthday present. I tell her there are only two names left, so the last loser is …

Pick #2 — Paul
2021’s last place finisher does not get the first pick two years in a row. There is no reaction from Paul’s representative: a calculator that only has the first four numbers working, because Paul usually forgets all about the league around week 4. Maybe this year will be different. And maybe the Eagles will actually try to find linebackers who tackle someday. Without holding our breath for that, Paul’s placement in the draft order means this year’s early winner is …

Pick #1 — Ant
The last time Ant had the top pick in our league was 2015, when Chip Kelly was the Eagles coach and Darren Sproles was still alive (RIP, his knees). Ant finished third that year, despite drafting RB LaDanian Tomlinson #1 overall (probably. I’m not gonna go check). Jonathan is allowed to return to the room temporarily to high-five his godfather’s proxy, an out-of-tune guitar purchased when Donovan McNabb was still the Philly starting QB. As the boy taps the instrument, you can just barely imagine “Fly, Eagles, Fly” playing softly.

That’s it, folks. I’ll switch the league over to autodraft sometime on Saturday (Sept. 3), so get your affairs in order. Remember to set your pre-draft rankings to avoid injured players, players who will be injured again soon (looking at you, Miles Sanders) and all the Cowboys you can find. Any questions or last minute changes, drop me a line. Good luck to all on the imaginary gridiron out there.