Fantasy League 2013 -- week 13 recap

Now that QB Nick Foles has posted four straight exemplary performances as the Eagles starter, it’s time to ask whether he’s the greatest signal caller in Philadelphia history or the greatest QB of all time. Consider:

** He has thrown 19 TDs and zero INTs so far this season, putting him on pace for 570 TDs and zero INTs for the rest of his 30-year career.

** He is undefeated in his starts since Nov. 1 of this year -- Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Dan Marino and John Elway can’t say that.

** Since Foles’ record-tying 7 TD game last month, the Dow Industrial Average has risen more than 3 percent and topped 16,000 for the first time -- all on speculation of his greatness.

** In seven starts this year, Foles has thrown for three or more TDs four times. That’s an NFL record for QBs who look like Napoleon Dynamite.

** He is not Mike Vick.

Conclusion: Right now, Foles falls somewhere in between Jesus and Joe Montana. But, in another year, he might pass Joe too.

QB: Peyton Manning, 41.82 pts -- started by Dad
WR: Eric Decker, 44.10 pts -- started by Jim
RB: DeMarco Murray, 31.90 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Zach Ertz, 21.53 pts -- on the wire
K: Adam Vinatieri, 20.00 pts -- started by Sam
DEF: Detroit, 29.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Moran Burnett, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Just your typical fantasy week, with two wideouts topping 200 yards and neither one was the best of the week. Cleveland WR Josh Gordon had 10 catches for 261 yds/2 TDs, Bears WR Alshon Jeffery had 12 catches for 249 yds/2 TDs, but neither could match the 8-catch, 174-yds, 4-TDs line put up by Denver’s Decker.

Don’t feel too bad -- Vikings RB Adrian Peterson rushed for 211 and was only the sixth best at his position this week.

“Jets QBs” edition
3rd place: Mark Sanchez, 0.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: (Tie) Matt Simms, -0.64 pts -- on the wire
1st place: (Tie) Geno Smith, -0.64 pts -- on the wire

Sanchez, of course, has been on injured reserve all year, and yet he was the most valuable of the Jets QBs this week. In their 23-3 loss to the Dolphins, Simms played the second half and turned the ball over twice while amassing only 79 yards passing. But first-half QB Smith was even worse, completing just 4 passes for 28 yards and throwing a pick.

Those lines gave Simms a QB rating of 38.9 and Smith a rating of 8.3, both absurdly low figures. For comparison, when you went out back on Sunday and dropped the football once, your rating (0 completions for 0 yards with no TDs or INTs) was 39.5. And you were almost five times better than Smith.


With so many dumb things this week, I wanted to point out a surprisingly smart one.

During the FOX pregame show, the in-game analysts were asked to make predictions for the day. Jimmy Johnson predicted “The Smiths will have a bad day” (I think he meant KC’s QB Alex Smith and CB Sean Smith, but there are 41 other Smiths in the NFL, so…). Terry Bradshaw predicted that the Kansas City crowd “needs to step up today” (Not a prediction at all).

Michael Strahan predicted that the Eagles TEs “would have a big day.” Three TE TDs later during the Eagles game, I was stunned. That has to be the first intelligent thing he has said in the last decade.

I don’t know what scout put those words in Strahan’s mouth, but he deserves a raise. Maybe get the money by firing the guy who thought “the crowd needs to cheer” was a prediction.

Alabama’s last-second loss to Auburn opened the door for Ohio State to walk into the national championship game next month, provided they can win the Big Ten title with a win over #10 Michigan State on Saturday. This, of course, is horrible, because Ohio State played an incredibly soft schedule and their likely January opponent -- Florida State -- established themselves as a premiere program by … playing a slightly less soft schedule. Consider:

-- Games against top 25 teams (at time of game)
Florida State 3, Ohio State 2

-- Games against top 25 teams (as of now)
Florida State 1, Ohio State 2

-- Strength of schedule
Florida State 42, Ohio State 52

-- Conference rankings (per ESPN)
Florida State 5, Ohio State 4

To get to the championship game, FSU will have to beat a 20th-ranked, two-loss Duke team that has beaten no teams currently ranked in the top 25. And the national experts will still complain that Ohio State is the team that is unworthy of unseating a one-loss SEC team for the championship.

Because, logic. That’s why.


In early November, the Cowboys front office realized they were thin on defensive line depth, so they signed DT Corvey Irvin. I wonder if he has any relation to Michael “I eat children” Irvin of the 1990s Dallas squads?

Only one way to find out …

** Third-string defensive tackle Corvey Irvin
Dry thirst, conniving fever -- I eat kids. Clever!

Yep, same kind of guy. Amazing they can find so many cannibals.


** Picked up all three games Dad and I picked different this week, so I now sit only seven back in the weekly standings. Special thanks to Minnesota for winning in overtime this week, instead of just playing for a tie. Try to get this whole late-season surge out of your system before the Eagles game comes up.

** Jo just pointed out that if the Saints play the Giants next year, Hakeem Nicks (NY WR) could be lined up against Akiem Hicks (NO DE). I think she needs to get out more.

** Did anyone buy a car on Black Friday? When did that become an after Thanksgiving impulse buy?

Week 13 standings

1 -- the american way (Sam) -- 1934.77 pts
2 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 1843.53 pts
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1817.15 pts
4 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 1811.41 pts
5 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 1791.83 pts
6 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1621.82 pts
7 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 1612.43 pts
8 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 1586.36 pts
9 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 1568.21 pts
10 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 1558.42 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 1351.24 pts

Mike hasn’t been trying at all this season, so of course his team posts only the second 200-plus -pts total in league history this week. He made Jeff (182 pts) and Dad (165 pts) and Joanna (161 pts) look pathetic in comparison.

But with four weeks left to go, Sam still holds onto a comfortable lead. Maybe if Mike was trying all season long, he’d give him a decent run for his money.

(For clarification -- there is still no money involved with winning this league.)

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 12 recap

As the Eagles relaxed and prepared for Thanksgiving this week, here’s a look at all the things for the Philly faithful to be thankful for this NFL season:

** Eagles coach Chip Kelly seems to be able to score points in the pros too.
** Nick Foles may have ensured that Mike Vick will never start for the Eagles again.
** Getting rid of the highest-paid defensive players somehow made the defense better.
** DeSean Jackson has mostly kept his mouth shut.
** The Cowboys and Giants still stink, and the Maryland Racial Slurs are even worse.
** Andy Reid’s new team finally lost a few.
** Donovan McNabb has mostly kept his mouth shut.
** Riley Cooper hasn’t said anything racist in three months (at least publicly).
** After a dreadful death march for the Eagles in 2012, watching pro football is fun again.

QB: Philip Rivers, 33.78 pts -- on Bob’s bench
WR: Josh Gordon, 35.80 pts -- started by Sam
RB: Jamaal Charles, 30.80 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 19.00 pts -- started by Jo
K: Jay Feely, 19.50 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Pittsburgh, 25.00 pts -- started by Jim
D: Von Miller, 17.00 pts -- started by Bob

Bad news for Peyton Manning fans: After two average weeks, he’s only on pace to throw 52 TDs and 5,400 yards. Both would be NFL records, but not by a ton. Honestly, I’m not sure why he’s even bothering to try anymore.

“Players we started” edition

3rd place: Stevan Ridley, -0.60 pts -- started by Joel
2nd place: Chicago, -4.00 pts -- started by Jo
1st place: Kansas City, -5.00 pts -- started by Sam

The number one defense in the league put on the worst fantasy performance of all this week, recording just one sack and allowing 41 points (and the game-losing score with less than a minute in the game). Andy Reid’s new squad gets the Broncos again next week, meaning they could slip from 9-0 to 9-3 in a blink. But they follow that up with games against the Maryland Racial Slurs and Raiders, so at least 11 wins is guaranteed.


During Delaware’s 84-80 hardcourt loss to Villanova this weekend …

(Please help me. I can’t stop watching random sports. I may have a serious problem.)

During Delaware’s 84-80 hardcourt loss to Villanova this weekend, Blue Hens G Davon Usher sank a late three to temporarily tie the game. Color commentator Ron Thompson’s response was: “Wow. Wow. What can you say?” And that’s it.

What can you say? Something, that’s what. That is your entire function there. That is your exact job description, to say something when the play-by-play guy isn’t calling the play. If you can’t do that, get off the TV.

I just … what can I say?

Green Bay and Minnesota played to a tie on Sunday, the second time since the NFL’s overtime rules were massively overhauled that fans were left with an indeterminate outcome. For those of you who don’t remember, the new rules mandate that the winning team has to score a TD or a safety or a defensive TD or a FG but the FG only counts if the other team also doesn’t kick a FG on their first possession but if they do then one team needs at least a second FG to win but before they have to do it before 15 minutes runs out.

Some critics have said those rules are unnecessarily complicated, and NFL execs are already assessing other possible options. They include:

** Deciding the winner based on who calls the coin flip correctly.

** Outlawing FGs in overtime, making the win contingent on a TD or safety or home run or goaltending call.

** Having AP voters decide what team should have won.

** Replacing overtime with a 60-minute replay of the game, until they get it right.

** Playing two minutes of dodgeball instead.

** Not college rules, that’s for sure. They’re too awesome.


One of the great things about these anagrams is the opportunity to examine how the Cowboys inner psyche’s really see themselves, and what the letter of their names reveal about their dormant character. Do they hate themselves? Do they pity their fate in life? What makes them so evil?
Here’s a hint: It’s probably the evil.

Dallas Cowboys LG Mackenzy Bernadeau
** Banal guy? We all be sad, cocky zeros

Remember: You can’t spell “Dallas offensive line” without “offensive.”


** Ha! Picked up two games on Dad in our weekly betting. Now I’m down 10 with five weeks to go, on pace to tie him on the final day of the season (one week makes a projected pace, right?)

** Times it is appropriate for WRs to spin the ball after making a catch: never.

Times that WRs spin the ball after making a catch: Every other catch.

Just saying.

** Ohio State vs Michigan this weekend. One team has an outside shot at a national championship. The other team is Michigan.


Week 12 standings

1 -- the american way (Sam) -- 1781.83 pts
2 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 1715.65 pts
3 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 1674.42 pts
4 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 1646.05 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1635.16 pts
6 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 1492.57 pts
7 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 1481.65 pts
8 -- Gettin' Chippy (Joanner) -- 1460.22 pts
9 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 1428.17 pts
10 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 1365.79 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 1250.54 pts

Ugggggghhhh Sam is starting to pull away again. You all understand he’s a Patriots fan, right? But he can’t name more than four New England players. Get it in gear already.

Wait, how did Anthony get up to the top half of the standings? I thought we left him for dead weeks ago, like the Arizona Cardinals.

Wait, the Cardinals are 7-4? How did that happen? Football makes no sense this year.

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 11 recap

At 6-5 in a soft division, it’s time to start thinking about the Eagles as a legitimate playoff contender. That’s a ridiculous statement, considering the team added no notable free agents or impact draft picks from the 4-12 campaign last year. But, here’s a look at how they’re getting the job done:

** 2012: 15th in yards per game (354)
** 2013: 5th in yards per game (412)

** 2012: 29th in points per game (17.5)
** 2013: 10th in points per game (25.1)

** 2012: 32nd in turnover margin (minus 24)
** 2013: 10th in turnover margin (plus 4)

** 2012: 19th in rushes per game (25)
** 2013: 3rd in rushes per game (31)

** 2012: 25th in tackles per game (62)
** 2013: 2nd in tackles per game (70)

** 2012: 10 Vick starts (3-7 record)
** 2013: 6 Vick starts (2-4 record)

** 2012: 6 Nick Foles starts (1-5 record)
** 2013: 5 Nick Foles starts (4-1 record)

It’s like a whole different team, just without any real changes.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 39.88 pts -- on Dad’s bench
WR: Calvin Johnson, 29.93 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: Bobby Rainey, 36.57 pts -- on the wire
TE: Delanie Walker, 22.07 pts -- started by Ant
K: Dan Carpenter, 16.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Cincinnati, 31.00 pts -- started by Jim
D: Vontaze Burfict, 15.50 pts -- started by me

Yes, I picked up Burfict last week because I knew he’d have 10 tackles, a forced fumble and a defensive TD against the Browns this week, and not because he had a funny name. Why do you ask?

So far this season, two wideouts have already topped 1,000 yds (Detroit’s Johnson and Cincinnati’s AJ Green) but only one running back has reached the mark (Eagles’ LeSean McCoy). Not sure what that means, but I’m pretty sure that’s a profound shift in the focus and strategy of the league. Or a statistical quirk. One of the two.

“Skill” players edition

3rd place: James Starks, -0.10 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Devon Wylie, -0.66 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Geno Smith, -3.88 pts -- on the wire

There are bad days, and then there are career-shattering days like the one Smith had on Sunday: 103 yards passing, three INTs and a fumble. With that awful line, the Jets QB also stole away the title of “worst New Jersey QB” away from Eli Manning for the season, posting his 20th turnover to Eli’s mere 19. Of course, the Jets are still ahead of the Giants in the standings, 5-5 to 4-6, but the important thing is that both teams really stink.


This week is less “stupidest thing I heard” and more “stupidest discrepancy I saw.” Here’s a look at what good money and bad money can get you in terms of NFL tickets for coming weeks, according to Stubhub.

** Nov. 24, Broncos at Patriots: Tickets start at $148.
** Nov. 24, Colts at Cardinals: Tickets start at $8.

** Dec. 1, Rams at 49ers: Tickets start at $127.
** Dec. 1, Jaguars at Browns: Tickets start at $12.

** Dec. 9, Cowboys at Bears: Tickets start at $103.
** Dec. 5, Texans at Jaguars: Tickets start at $7.

** Dec. 16, Ravens at Lions: Tickets start at $76.
** Dec. 15, Cardinals at Titans: Tickets start at $13.

** Dec. 23, Falcons at 49ers: Tickets start at $132.
** Dec. 22, Buccaneers at Rams: Tickets start at $11.

** Dec. 29, Bears at Packers: Tickets start at $121.
** Dec. 29, Texans at Titans: Tickets start at $14.

Seriously, you could take your spouse and 13 other friends to most Jaguars home games for the same price it costs to buy a single ticket to some Patriots games. Granted, one is a professional football team and the other isn’t good enough to play in Division II college, but still.

Speaking of the Jaguars…

At 1-9, all hope is not yet lost for the NFL’s worst team. Here’s how they can make the postseason:

** The Jags win their last six games, and finish 7-9.
** The Colts lose their last six games, and finish 7-9.
** The Titans beat the Colts but lose their other five games, and finish 6-10.
** The Texans beat the Colts and Titans, but lose twice to the Jags, and finish no better than 6-10.

That leaves the Colts and Jags tied, with a 1-1 record against each other. But the Jags would claim the AFC South title with a 5-1 division record, compared to the Colts 3-3 tally.

Now, here’s how the Colts can make the postseason:

** Win their next two games.

That would give them 9 wins and all of the tiebreakers against the Titans, whose best finish could be 9-7. The Colts would clinch the division on Dec. 1, before dinner time.

I like Indianapolis’ odds better than Jacksonville’s, but that’s just me.


Once a season, the Cowboys take a week off from football. But they never take a week off from evil. How did they spend their bye this year:

Cowboys squad takes a bye in week eleven
** Squeaky benevolence: We beat kids. Say “Ow!”

For the record, “Dallas bye” also works out at “bad alleys” and “yea sad ball” and “blade slay,” but that all seemed too easy.


** Thanks to the Panthers’ last-minute heroics and the referees’ blatant missed call on Monday night, I managed not to lose any more ground to Dad in the weekly picks. Still 12 back, with six weeks to go. At least the Eagles won’t trip me up next week.

** Hey, the Eagles finally have a bye this week. And the Cowboys will play two more games before Philly takes the field again on Dec. 1 (one this Sunday, one on Thanksgiving). That’s just another reminder that the NFL doesn't care when you want to watch football -- they’ll give you some whenever they feel like it.

Week 11 standings

1 -- the american way (Sam) -- 1654.69 pts
2 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 1599.73 pts
3 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 1544.07 pts
4 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad)-- 1510.75 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1494.07 pts
6 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 1371.13 pts
7 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 1330.21 pts
8 -- Gettin' Chippy (Joanner) -- 1314.63 pts
9 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 1302.58 pts
10 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 1292.53 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 1132.40 pts

The good news: The difference between first and fifth place is 160 pts, putting the top spot in reach in just one or two good weeks.

The bad news? After that, It’s a big drop in the standings. Jim’s squad has come on strong of late, but he has more than 280 pts to make up to catch Sam’s runaway train. Joanna and Anthony are locked in an epic battle for 7th, but probably can’t sneak much higher. And Joel’s team looks like it will struggle to top 1750 pts on the year, while Sam and I could pass that next week.

But remember: Even the Jaguars still have a chance.

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 10 recap

 

An actual, believable scenario for the NFC East:

** The Eagles lose to the Redskins, beat the Cardinals, lose to the Lions, beat the Vikings, lose to the Bears, beat the Cowboys, finish 8-8 (3-3 in division).

** The Cowboys lose to the Giants, beat the Raiders, beat the Bears, beat Green Bay, lose to the Redskins, lose to the Eagles, finish 8-8 (3-3 in division).

** The Giants split with the Redskins, beat the Giants, beat the Packers, beat the Chargers, lose to the Seahawks, beat the Lions, finish 8-8 (3-3 in division).

** The Redskins split with the Giants, beat the Eagles, beat the 49ers, lose to the Chiefs, beat the Falcons, beat the Cowboys, finish 8-8 (3-3 in division).

In that scenario, the Giants and Redskins would be eliminated from the division title on the fourth tiebreaker (in-conference wins), and the playoff spot would be decided on “strength of victory” -- higher win percentage of all opponents -- between the Eagles and Cowboys.

The winner would then host the 49ers in the wild card game, and lose 54-3.

QB: Drew Brees, 39.68 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Tavon Austin, 33.04 pts -- on the wire
RB: Pierre Thomas, 29.30 pts -- on Paul’s bench
TE: John Carlson, 19.53 pts -- on the wire
K: Steven Hauschka, 19.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: St. Louis, 31.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Vincent Rey, 14.50 pts -- on the wire

Well, at least Anthony started one of the top performers for us. Don’t cry for Paul too much there -- he had six of the top 27 point-scorers this week, and started four of them.

Meanwhile, Brees has 267 fantasy pts this year and is having an MVP-NPM season -- MVP, not Peyton Manning. Brees has 25 TDs and has passed for more than 3,000 yds already. Manning? He has eight more TDs and almost 200 more yds (and 309 fantasy pts).

By the way, Hauschka is the best kicker in all of fantasy football and he’s unowned. Just saying.


3rd place: Jake Locker, -1.24 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Jerrel Jernigan, -1.62 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Dallas, -3.00 pts -- on the wire

You know who else sucks? Eli Manning. 10 weeks into the season and he’s the 25th-ranked QB in football, with 125 fantasy pts. Rams QB Sam Bradford has 20 more fantasy pts and he went on the season-ending injury list three weeks ago. Eagles QB Nick Foles has 34 more fantasy points in almost 200 fewer pass attempts.


I present to you Fox’s top announcing crew, narrating the Eagles/Packers game, with the score 27-13 and 10 minutes left in this game:

Joe Buck: The Packers recover the ball! And this game is far from over.
Troy Aikman: This game is far from over. And there’s plenty of time left too.

Thanks, Troy. You helped a lot there.

The NFC East could end up without a single team above .500 this year, but that doesn’t mean they’re the worst division in football. Here’s a look at the contenders:

AFC North
Overall record: 17-20
Non-division record: 11-14
Best team: 6-4 (Bengals)
Worst team: 3-6 (Steelers)

NFC South
Overall record: 16-20
Non-division record: 11-15
Best team: 7-2 (Saints)
Worst team: 1-8 (Bucs)

NFC East
Overall record: 16-22
Non-division record: 10-16
Best team: 5-5 (Eagles and Cowboys)
Worst team: 3-6 (Giants and Redskins)

AFC South
Overall record: 13-23
Non-division record: 9-19
Best team: 6-3 (Colts)
Worst team: 1-8 (Jaguars)

And remember -- those Colts just got smoked by the 4-6 Rams, so don’t tell me they’re substantially better than the Eagles or Cowboys.


I was wondering what Cowboys’ second-year defensive back Micah Pellerin does for fun in the fall, because after this week’s 49-17 thumping at the hands of the Saints, it’s pretty clear he doesn’t practice pass defense.

What he does do, of course, is spread evil.

Dallas Cowboys CB Micah Pellerin 
** Cold snowy belch, impale a lad’s rib

Whatever you need to do to slow those receivers down, right?

** Dad is up 12 games in our weekly picks and I really, really have run out of ways to explain my complete football ignorance away. With skills this awful, I should work for ESPN.

** What people say down here: “If you change the name of the Redskins, where does it stop? Do we have to change the Raiders too, because someone finds that offensive?”

What I hear: “Where does it stop? Do we have to stop eating babies now, because someone finds that offensive?”

I hate slippery slope arguments. Maybe just deal with the issue in front of you instead of hypotheticals.

Week 10 standings

1 -- the american way (Sam) -- 1484.74
2 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 1450.42
3 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 1416.60
4 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 1414.73
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1335.58
6 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 1253.92
7 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 1217.15
8 -- Gettin' Chippy (Joanner) -- 1190.28
9 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 1173.50
10 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 1166.82
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 1024.80

Not sure Mike has ever been this low in the standings before, but it’ll take some more work to completely bottom out.

Meanwhile, Paul has resurrected his squad from the dead, and I picked up another few points on Sam. At this pace, I should pass him in week 37 of the season.

It’s good to know that even in a week where Riley Cooper suddenly looks like an All-Pro and the Colts get destroyed by the lowly Rams, some things are still consistent: Anthony’s team still stinks.

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 9 recap

A look at the box score of Sunday’s Eagles/Raiders game shows exactly how the game played out: a disheartening beat-down for the visiting Philly team. Consider:

** The Raiders had more total plays (92 to 57) and more first downs (29 to 21) than the Eagles.
** The Raiders had more rushing yards (210 to 128) and more pass completions (29 to 24) than the birds.
** In fact, the Raiders had more total yards (560 to 542) than their opponents.
** The Raiders offense held the ball for an entire quarter more than the Eagles (37:54 mins to 22:06 mins).
** The Raiders had the game’s only two rushing TDs and tacked on a 53-yard FG at the end of the first half just for fun.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is precisely how the Oakland squad posted a (checks newspaper again) 49-20 loss at the hands of the Eagles.

As Mark Twain said, there are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.

(For the record, that’s not a Mark Twain quote.)

QB: Nick Foles, 59.64 pts -- on the wire
WR: Andre Johnson, 42.27 pts -- started by Bobert
RB: Zac Stacy, 34.10 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Jimmy Graham, 28.73 pts -- started by Dad
K: Nick Folk, 16.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Miami, 28.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Cameron Wake, 18.50 pts -- on the wire

Let’s not get carried away with Foles’ performance this week. Yes, he threw for seven TDs, tying an NFL record. Yes, he carved up the Oakland defense like a Turducken on Madden Thanksgiving. But his fantasy point total was still 0.64 pts behind Peyton Manning’s record-setting performance in week one. So, Foles is only the second greatest QB ever.

For the record, Foles alone outscored Joel’s entire fantasy team this week (57.92 pts).


3rd place: Pittsburgh, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: TJ Graham, -1.13 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Oakland, -4.00 pts -- on the wire

News flash -- giving up almost 50 points makes for a bad fantasy week. While Okland was busy surrendering seven TD passes to Foles, Pittsburgh gave up 55 points to Tom Brady and the Patriots. It’s the most points the Steelers have ever allowed in a game. On the bright side, Steelers fans all stopped watching this wretched team weeks ago.


** After Bengals QB Andy Dalton threw an interception returned 92 yards for a defensive score in Thursday night’s game, NFL Network analyst Mike Maycock announced “I didn’t mind the play call, but I didn’t like the location of the throw.”

Well, yes. I think the Bengals would have preferred a throw to their team for a TD instead of the opposing defense.

** Washington Post columnist Thomas Boswell suggested that the Washington Natinals hiring of former Arizona Diamondbacks start (and known steroid user) Matt Williams would change “Nattitude” to “Mattitude.” He was publicly executed a few hours later.

OK, he wasn’t, but he should have been.

** Not sure if you noticed, but Yahoo revises their fantasy point projections in game this season. When WR Marques Colston was declared inactive about an hour before kickoff, Yahoo dropped his expected points from 9.60 pts down to .. 9.20 pts. At kickoff, it dropped just under 9 pts.

In the end, those predictions were only off by about 9 pts. That seems to be an acceptable level of error.

** Through eight games, Broncos QB Peyton Manning has thrown for 2,919 yards and 29 TDs. He’s on pace for 5,838 yards and 58 TDs on the season -- the NFL records are 5,476 yards (Drew Brees in 2011) and 50 TDs (Tom Brady in 2007).

** Through eight games, Jacksonville has allowed 264 pts. They’re on pace to allow 528 on the season -- the NFL record is 533, by the 1981 Baltimore Colts.

** Through eight games, Saints TE Jimmy Graham has 10 receiving TDs. He’s on pace for 20 TDs on the season -- the NFL record is 17, by Rob Gronkowski in 2011.

** Through eight games, Vikings RB Adrian Peterson has 711 rushing yards. He’s on pace for 1,422 and the league rushing title -- the last time the NFL rushing leader had under 1,450 yards was 1990 (Barry Sanders, 1,304).

** Through five games, Eagles QB Nick Foles has zero INTs. He’s on pace for zero on the season -- the Eagles record with Mike Vick at the helm is seven games.


How does a team like the Cowboys celebrate a wonderful, fun holiday like Halloween?
Answer: Not well.

Dallas Linebacker Kyle Bosworth
** Lorry talks: Halloween be bad, sick

Defensive back Jakar Hamilton
**Flanker-job caveman -- I hate kids

DE Nick Hayden
** He inked candy

They’re truly awful people.
 
** Heads up on the trade going down this week -- Joanna accidentally dropped Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski in a fit of Halloween insanity, so I’m trading him back to her squad for nothing of real value. If any of you had grabbed him of the wire, I would have told her tough cookies. But, since all of you whiffed on him and she couldn’t reclaim him right away (Yahoo rules), I’m being a good husband.

If you want to object to the move, feel free. It takes four managers to void the trade, and if you all think that’s unfair, I’m fine to let it stand. Just remember that move leaves me with Gronkowski, who, again, all of you had a chance to grab but missed.

** Dad picked up two more on me this week, both three-point come-from-behind wins. I know. I’m 10 down now, and there have only been nine weeks of football. I’m running out of self-deprecating jokes.

** Three best road records in the NFL: The Chiefs (4-0), the Seahawks (4-1) and the Eagles (4-1). Three worst home records in the NFL: The Jaguars (0-4), the Bucs (0-4) and the Eagles (0-4). The Eagles make no sense.

Week 9 standings

1 -- the american way (Sam) -- 1375.93 pts
2 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 1323.00 pts
3 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 1276.17 pts
4 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 1247.81 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1203.02 pts
6 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 1152.80 pts
7 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1110.19 pts
8 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 1069.74 pts
9 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 1066.17 pts
10 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 1055.42 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 920.98 pts

Sam’s lead slipped this week, but Aaron Rodgers’ collarbone also snapped, which will make my efforts to catch him a little more difficult. ChampMike pretty much threw in the towel this week, starting five players on a bye and four more who scored less than seven points (still beat Joel, though). And Paul is quietly lurking just out of sight, waiting like a snake to snap up his prey. Or he’s floundering too. It’s hard to tell only halfway through the season.

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 8 recap

The Eagles secured their 10th consecutive home loss on Sunday with a nightmarish performance against the Giants. Losing ten in a row in the comfort of your own stadium may sound bad, but consider these additional notes:

** The loss was the Eagles fourth at home this season, ensuring they won’t have a winning record at home in 2013. They haven’t been above .500 in Philly since 2009.
** Not only have they dropped 10 in a row, but the Eagles have also lost 16 of their last 23 games at home (including the playoffs).
** The NFL record for home losses is 14, held by the 1988-1989 Cowboys and the 2008-2010 Rams. The Eagles could tie that in December.
** The faithful Philly season ticket holders have paid, on average, $930 to see their team not win any games during the streak.

On the plus side, the team is 4-6 in its last 10 road games. Maybe they should just stay out of Pennsylvania for a while.

QB: Drew Brees, 43.18 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Marvin Jones, 40.13 pts -- on the wire
RB: Andre Ellington, 23.93 pts -- started by Jo
TE: Jimmy Graham, 17.47 pts -- started by Dad
K: Josh Brown, 18.00 pts -- started by Joel
DEF: Cincinnati, 26.00 pts -- started by Jim
D: DeAngelo Hall, 13.50 pts -- started by Ant

Yes, you read that right. On a week where Detroit WR Calvin Johnson catches 14 passes for 329 yards, he misses out on being the top wideout of the week because Cincinnati’s Jones catches 8 passes for 122 yards and 4 TDs. He beat Johnson by 0.2 pts. If only Johnson had just picked up 4 more receiving yards…

Jones also prevented the league from starting all the top players for the first time this season. So, damn him to hell.


3rd place: Buffalo, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: New York Jets, -3.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place:Jacksonville, -4.00 pts -- on the wire

Remember that Giants defense, that was worth a whopping 15 pts on the year coming into Sunday’s game? They scored 20 off the completely inept Eagles, which lifted them out of last place in the fantasy standings.

Now the worst defense in all of fantasy football belongs to the Jacksonville Jaguars (fitting, since they’re also the worst offense and worst team). According to Yahoo, the Jags defense is owned in 0 percent of fantasy football leagues. Zero. As in none. No one wants to touch them. Somewhere, there’s a 16-team AFC only fantasy league, and even there one manager has decided to leave his defense empty rather than start Jacksonville. And it’s not a bad call.


I read fantasy football player rankings this week, and it was by far the stupidest thing I could have done.

My other fantasy team is loaded with mediocre running backs: LeSean McCoy, Darren McFadden, Steven Jackson, Fred Jackson, Andre Ellington and Joique Bell (don’t worry, my WRs suck). I can only start three, and it’s always a tough call. So, this week, I decided to lean on the fantasy experts at NFL.com for help choosing which to start.

Here’s how they ranked them:
McCoy, Fred Jackson, McFadden, Steven Jackson, Ellington, Bell.

Here’s how ESPN ranked them:
McCoy, Fred Jackson, McFadden, Ellington, Steven Jackson, Bell.

None of these were a close call, according to the experts. The top three were considered top 15 plays among RBs this week. The bottom three were outside the top 25.

Here’s how they fared:
Ellington, McFadden, Fred Jackson, Bell, McCoy, Steven Jackson

The difference between Jackson and Bell was negligible. The difference between Ellington and McCoy was about 100 yards and a TD. If I had started the bottom three RBs on their lists, I would have gotten about 38 pts. By starting the three RBs that both sets of experts recommended, I scored 38 pts. If I started the “right” three, I would have scored 55 pts.

Look, I know these guys aren’t able to see the future. Anyone can have a fluke game. But, really, taking their recommendations or taking the complete opposite made no difference to my team. And somehow, providing no information -- good or bad -- employs dozens and dozens of sports staffers who spend countless hours sifting through statistics. And they come up with nothing.

What I’m saying is, I’ll do the same work for half of whatever you’re paying them.

With Halloween this week, here are the most popular NFL-themed costumes for the 2013 season:

** Chris Berman: Instead of saying “trick or treat,” grunt and shriek a lot.
** Eli Manning: Put on a #7 jersey and a Dopey dwarf mask.
** Mike Vick: Instead of collecting candy, give away a football at each house you visit.
** Tony Romo: Trick or treat for about 50 minutes, then choke on your candy for the last 10.
** Tim Tebow: Walk around in rags like an unemployed bum.
** Andy Reid: Put on a fat suit, ruin a football team, then go coach a different one with a stacked defense.

On Sunday, in the midst of another fourth-quarter choke job, Cowboys WR Dez Bryant had an absolute meltdown on the sidelines, yelling at his QB, fellow wideouts, and coaching staff. Pundits have speculated for the last two days that, despite the 31-30 outcome, this could help rally the team. Of course, our anagram expertise show them once again to be shallow fools:

Dallas Cowboys wideout Dez Bryant screams
** Zero listen to bum’s words. Away, dye-clad scab!

For the record, “one-point Cowboys loss” anagrams quite nicely into “oops, insolent Cowboys!” Just saying.

** Dad and I split our picks for the week, so I’m still 8 back. If I can pick up one game a week, I can still win this thing.

** Remember way back when the Eagles had LeSean McCoy on the roster? He has one rushing TD in his last five games. Ugh.

** FYI, the Ohio State football team has a chance to go undefeated two years in a row and not have a shot at the national championship. Seriously. Every team we follow here at Fort Awesome is failing.

Week 8 standings

1 -- the american way (Sam) -- 1252.49 pts
2 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 1175.17 pts
3 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 1151.74 pts
4 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 1124.90 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1095.94 pts
6 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 1005.34 pts
7 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 985.09 pts
8 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 955.11 pts
9 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 936.10 pts
10 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 929.95 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 863.16 pts

For the record, the Yahoo pre-season projections had Sam in seventh place. Seventh! And look at what he has done so far. Of course, the projections also had Joel in first place. So maybe they weren’t that reliable.

Also, the only change in the standings was that Mike and Jim switched spots. Let’s try and be a little more interesting next week.

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 7 recap

Great news for Mike Vick this week -- not only did he get his starting job back thanks to the Nick Foles/Matt Barkley disaster on Sunday, but he was also awarded by Forbes magazine the title of “NFL’s most disliked player” for the third year in a row. Here’s a look at some of the people NFL fans find more tolerable than the Eagles’ million-dollar man.

-- Ndamukong Suh: The Lions DE has been fined multiple times for stomping downed opponents.
-- Ben Roethlisberger: The Steelers QB has dealt with multiple sex assault allegations in his past.
-- Pacman Jones: The Bengals DB latest arrest was for punching a woman at a nightclub.
-- Aaron Hernandez: The Patriots TE is currently in jail for murder, so it’s unclear if he was eligible for the list.
-- Reggie Bush: The Lions RB had to return his Heisman trophy and dated Kim Kardashian. Hard to decide which was worse.

In Vick’s defense, he hasn’t been imprisoned for anything recently, so the ranking really is unfair.

QB: Andrew Luck, 36.02 pts -- started by Paul
WR: Calvin Johnson, 31.33 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: Matt Forte, 30.30 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Jordan Reed, 23.93 pts -- on the waiver wire
K: Adam Vinatieri, 16.00 pts -- on the waiver wire
DEF: Carolina, 22.00 pts -- started by Bobert
D: Antonio Allen, 12.00 pts -- on the waiver wire

Next time Andrew Luck and Peyton Manning square off, let’s have them actually square off: Three rounds, no holds barred. It won’t result in any less ESPN drooling, but it won’t last as long.
Also, raise your hand if you thought Adam Vinatieri had retired. C’mon, put it up. You know you did.


3rd place: Matt Barkley, -0.84 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Jay Cutler, -0.88 pts -- started by ChampMike
1st place: Kellen Clemens, -1.24 pts -- on the waiver wire

A very special warm welcome to the Eagles rookie QB, who takes his place among the Philadelphia greats by scoring negative points in his first NFL experience. Three interceptions in 20 pass attempts? It’s like you’re already prepared to step into Mike Vick’s shoes.


** 43-year-old Jeff Garcia reached out to the Cleveland Browns this week about making a comeback. And God bless him for still trying. Because if there’s one thing better than a mediocre 30-year-old QB (Brandon Weeden), it’s one that is 13 years older.

** In a similar vein, when St. Louis QB Sam Bradford tore his ACL this week, the team announced they would be looking to sign a new QB for the rest of the season … but not Tim Tebow. Because you have to announce that before every QB search now.

** I just checked, and Matt Millen is still offering football commentary on TV and has not been jailed. And that’s stupid.

Now that the Giants have won a game, only three teams are left in the NFL with an unblemished record (undefeated or winless). Let’s look at each one’s odds of finishing the season that way:

Kansas City Chiefs (7-0)
Odds of a perfect season: 0%
-- Good lord, no. Andy Reid is the coach and they have to play the Broncos twice. They can still find a way to miss the playoffs.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-6)
Odds of a perfect season: 10%
-- Three of their losses were by less than a field goal, and only one was by more than 12 points. On the flip side, they may have just lost their best player (RB Doug Martin) for the rest of the season, so there’s still a chance.

Jacksonville Jaguars (0-7)
Odds of a perfect season: 75%
-- Every loss has been by more than double digits. Three times they failed to score a TD. Their best chance for a win comes against the Browns, and that game isn’t until December. This team could be the real deal.

It’s bad enough when the Cowboys spread their hate and vile appetites around the locker room. But Defensive Lineman George Selvie has taken it a step further, subliminally encouraging the misguided Dallas fan base to poison the world with their foul ideas. Just look at his name:

Cowboys DE George Selvie
** Go be evil, weedy scrooges

“Weedy scrooges,” of course, was also the name of Jerry Jones’ garage band in high school.

** Ha! I won one against Dad this week by correctly picking the Giants to win their first game. So now I’m only eight behind in the standings. Like the Phillies, I still have a chance. (Checks the paper). Um, I may need to revise that statement...

** Sixers insiders this week said they’ll likely hold out first-round draft pick Nerlens Noel for the entire season, as he recovers from knee surgery. That’ll make it two years in a row the Sixers traded for a much-hyped big man and get zero games out of him. In other news, no Philadelphia team is ever making the playoffs again.

** This year’s World Series features the Red Sox against the Cardinals, also known as baseball’s second-most insufferable fan base against their third-most insufferable fan base. C’mon, Detroit. Everyone was rooting for you for a change.

Week 7 standings

1 -- the american way (Sam) -- 1095.87 pts
2 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 1029.10 pts
3 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 1024.04 pts
4 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 1003.91 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 933.79 pts
6 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 902.65 pts
7 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 853.43 pts
8 -- Gettin' Chippy (Joanner) -- 848.16 pts
9 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 812.83 pts
10 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 801.32 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 740.32 pts

Don’t look now, but the reigning Awesome Cup champion is slowly moving up the standings. Sam still has a comfortable lead, but he also still doesn’t know who any of the players on his team are. And that’s fine, really, because I can’t name a single Eagles defensive back. Wait, they don’t have anyone back there? That finally explains all those long third-down conversions...