On base at Fort Awesome

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

2011 fantasy recap, week 12

The NFL's mid-week highlight game this Thursday features the compelling match-up of the 4-7 Eagles against the 4-7 Seahawks. Since the actual outcome of the game is of no consequence whatsoever, here's what to watch for:

** Funny names -- A jumbled set of scrambled Scrabble tiles could not come up with a better match-up than Philly CB Nnamdi Asomugha covering Seattle WR Golden Tate III.
** Revenge -- After two long years, Seahawks DE Chris Clemons will have a chance to get back at the Eagles team that traded him away. Yeah, I forgot who he was too.
** Streaking -- The Eagles haven't lost in Seattle in 15 years (3-0). The last defeat came at the hands of Seahawks QB Rick Mirer. He's better right now than QB Tavarias Jackson.
** Competition -- Only one other game this week features two teams with losing records: Carolina at Tampa Bay. And that's a division rivalry, so you have to throw away the records.
** Masochism -- Seriously, why are you considering watching this game?

QB: Drew Brees, 45.32 pts -- started by Joel
RB: Roy Helu, 27.40 pts -- on Jeff's bench
WR: Victor Cruz, 31.47 pts -- started by me
TE: Jimmy Graham, 22.64 pts -- started by Paul
K: Sebastian Janikowski, 23.00 pts -- started by NewMike
DEF: Tennessee, 24.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Ashton Youboty, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

Any week where you can include Youboty in a recap is a good week.

Also, three top performers from the Monday night game. Would have been nice if any of that excitement was in the first half, when the East Coast was still awake.

"All losers" edition
3rd place: Tashard Choice, -0.80 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Tyler Palko, -1.32 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Philadelphia, -5.00 pts -- on my bench

The Eagles post the second-worst score possible by a defense this week, managing just a single sack to avoid the absolute minimum. For the year, the Philly defense -- which added two Pro-Bowl CBs in the offseason -- has allowed the 10th most points in the league, the second most passing TDs, and the most passing plays of more than 40 yards.

But it would be unfair to label the Eagles starting three CBs a waste of money, even if they do take up $21.8 million in salary cap space this season alone. After all ... no, wait, that would be perfectly fair. Nevermind.

Raiders punter Sean Lechler kicked an 80-yard punt this week, an amazing feat that didn't even come close to setting an NFL record (Jets P Steve O’Neal hit a 98-yard pun in 1969). But plenty of other records have been in play this season. Here's a quick recap:

** Arizona CB Patrick Peterson has four punt return TDs this year, tying the NFL record.

** Both Patriots QB Tom Brady and Saints QB Drew Brees are on pace to break Dan Marino's single-season passing mark of 5,082 yards. Packers QB Aaron Rogers is on pace to miss that record by fewer than 40 yards.

** Raiders K Sebastian Janikowski booted a 63-yard FG this year, tying the NFL record.

** Vikings WR Percy Harvin on Sunday reeled off a 104-yard kickoff return before being tackled at the three-yard line. It was the longest non-scoring play in NFL history.

** The Cowboys, at 7-4, have six wins against sub-.500 teams and three game left against losing squads. They're on pace to set a record for the luckiest division win ever.

At halftime of the Bengals/Browns game, color commentator Dave Lapham, a former Cincinnati offensive lineman, summed up why the home team was down by 10 points after two quarters and how they could get back into the game:

"The Bengals offense laid an egg in the first half, so in the second half they're gonna have to sit on that egg and hatch a (chick), then feed it and nurture it and help it to grow into something."

Two problems with that:

1 -- It's a ridiculously stupid metaphor.
2 -- The reason "chick" is in parentheses is because he didn't say "chick." He said "whatever." He forgot the word for what hatches from an egg. But that didn't stop him from using the metaphor.

Besides those two things, he made a great point. The Bengals went on to win 23-20 thanks to a fourth-quarter turkey sandwich.

Word out of Houston today is that the Texans may consider bringing in former Eagles-49ers-Bucs-Browns-Lions-Raiders-Nighthawks QB Jeff Garcia to back up their thin crew of starting passers. But he's not the only former Philly gridiron hero considering a comeback. Here's what others are doing:

** QB Koy Detmer: Looking into a second career as a neckbeard consultant for the NHL.
** WR Greg Lewis: Volunteered for a medical research project looking for a cure for dropsy, found out it isn't what he thought.
** DB Andre Waters: Even in death, figures he'd be a better coverage defender than Asante Samuel.
** K Luis Zendejas: No joke needed here. He's still Luis Zendejas.
** DE Mike Mamula: Just sent in his third application to be night manager at the Quikie Mart.
** QB Donovan McNabb: Apparently still thinks he hasn't retired from football.

With everyone starting their Christmas shopping this week, I thought I'd give you a little help in the search for the perfect insult anagram for a gift. Perhaps you're just looking for a standard anagram insult? How about trying this one on?

Right Defensive End Sean Lissemore
Festering hero vended: Lameness is I

OK, but that's not really about the team at all. Looking for something in a "what are my teammates doing" variety?

Right Defensive End Sean Lissemore
Engendered fish vomits release sins

Good, but "fish vomits" won't work in every household. What about something the whole family can enjoy?

Right Defensive End Sean Lissemore
Meanie losers defend envies, girths

We know you can do your anagram shopping anywhere, and we appreciate your continued business. The "Tony Romo = Toy Moron" t-shirts are all the way in the back aisle, but we're already out of children's sizes.

Week 12 standings

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

A ton of garbage time Monday Night Football points launched me back into the top spot, just past Anthony's struggling squad and two hairs in front of NewMike's team. Jo and ChampMike have made a dent in their deficit as well. After that, you're down into Sam territory, and there's really no point in even discussing those teams.

** Picked up a game on Dad this week, thanks to Tim Tebow's ongoing late-game heroics. I'm Tebowing as I write this.

** If the college national championship game is a LSU-Alabama rematch, and second game ends without a TD, the title should go to Oklahoma State by default. I can't believe they're going to make us go through this again.

** I actually left myself a note earlier in the weekend to make fun of the Grey Cup this week. How much football is too much football?

** Oh, by the way, there's a football game Thursday. Don't forget.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

2011 fantasy recap, week 11

With Thanksgiving just a few days away, here's what various NFL teams are thankful for this season:

** New England Patriots
Thankful no one found the new cheating cameras
** Minnesota Vikings
Thankful Brett Favre hasn't unretired ... yet
** San Francisco 49ers
Thankful the NFC West is still an awful division
** Chicago Bears
Thankful they haven't had major injuri... aw, c'mon!
** Cleveland Browns
Thankful the season is almost over
** New York Jets
Thankful Rex Ryan hasn't eaten any players ... yet
** Philadelphia Eagles
Thankful Eli Manning still had his annual rivalry choke job ready

QB: Matt Stafford, 39.60 pts -- started by New Mike
RB: Kevin Smith, 40.07 pts -- on the wire
WR: Nate Washington, 28.67 pts -- on Dad's bench
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 22.40 pts -- started by Ant
K: David Akers, 12.00 pts -- started by Jo
DEF: Miami, 26.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Chris Clemons, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

You know who's having a great season? The kicker for the 8-1 San Francisco 49ers, a Mr. David Akers. He leads all kickers in fantasy points (115, 26 more than WR DeSean Jackson has on the year) and is second in the league in scoring with 91 pts. Not bad for someone too washed up to get a multi-year contract from his former team.

"All offense" edition
3rd place: Lorenzo Booker, -0.80 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Keiland Williams, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: John Skelton, -2.04 pts -- on the wire

Just one week after looking like a Hall of Famer against the Eagles D, Cardinals QB John Skelton crashed back down to earth with a 99-yard, 3 INT performance against the 49ers that saw him benched in the fourth quarter. His replacement was Richard Bartel, the great QB from Tarleton State. How rare is it when you've never heard of a football player or the college he went to?

Bartel has apparently been in the league since 2007, bouncing between the Cowboys, Browns, Jaguars, Cardinals and Sacramento Mountain Lions. One of those teams isn't in the NFL, but I can't remember if it's the Mountain Lions or the Jaguars.

More notes about that big Giants defeat Sunday night:

** QB Eli Manning has lost six straight games to the Eagles on his home field in New Jersey, and seven of his nine career starts against them there.

** Eli's career record in September and October is an impressive 37-14. His record in November and December is a paltry 27-33.

** QB Vince Young is 3-0 against Manning and the Giants in his career.

** Sunday's game was the first time this year the Eagles were the underdog. The Giants were favored by 6 points.

** The Eagles game-winning, 9-minute, 18-play drive was their longest since 2002.

** That drive also featured 6 third-down conversions, one more than the Giants had all game.

If that's not enough comedy for you, here's a great Eli photo gallery from the 700 Level.

ESPN's Bob Ley on Sunday was recapping the previous wild weekend in college football, noting that the #2, #4 and #5 ranked teams all lost. The BCS, he said, "is tossed in the air like 52-card pickup."

I thought the point of 52-card pickup was the picking up, but whatever. It's what Ley said next that caused a brain aneurysm.

Ley rolled right into the highlights from Alabama's convincing win on Saturday, pointing out that the #3 team didn't fall victim to the rash of upsets. The 45-21 win over Georgia Southern included a blocked kick TD, which prompted Ley to say "How ironic is it that Alabama couldn't make their field goals against LSU but they returned a blocked FG for a TD here?"

I'll answer that question: It's zero ironic. It's not even coincidental. Those are two completely unconnected thoughts, except they both involved FGs. "It's the same as me saying "How ironic is it that I'm writing about Bob Ley and we have a Bob in the league?"

When people use words that badly, it literally makes my head explode. Literally. I'm amazed I can type this with a gaping head wound.

At 2-8, Carolina still has a chance. Here's how:

** The Panthers win their next five games.
** The Saints lose their next five.
** The Falcons lose five of their last six, beating only the Saints.
** The Bucs go no better than 3-3, and lose to Carolina twice.

If that happens, the winner of the Pathers/Saints regular season finale will be 8-8 and the champion of the NFC South. And pink falcons will fly out of QB Cam Newton's butt.

Dallas snagged its second overtime win of the season on Sunday, upending the Maryland Racial Slurs 27-24. We know that every Dallas win is bad, but what you might not realize is the cosmic disgust that an extra-time Cowboys win causes. Just look:

Dallas Cowboys steal overtime win
Ye lot sad: Villain team crows, we sob.

I also could have written "crow team villians" but we weren't talking about Ray Lewis and the Ravens.

Week 11 standings

Anthony holds on for another week, and ChampMike is making a charge towards the top. Meanwhile, my sage advice cost Dad 15 pts this week and Jo 29 pts. I guess what I'm saying is, you're welcome.

**Dad picked up another game on me, and sits three game ahead in our weekly picks. But he picked against the Eagles on Sunday, which should haunt him forever.

** If I told you last June that QB Vince Young would throw a TD pass to WR Steve Smith, you never would have thought I'd be talking about the Eagles.

** I hate Browns RB Chris Ogbonnaya, both for how difficult it is to spell his name and what he did to my other fantasy team this week. I'm gonna get RB Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala to come out of retirement and beat him up.

** If I have to remind you that there's football on Thursday this week, you have failed at being an American. Just move to Waziristan now.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

2011 fantasy recap, week 10

WR DeSean Jackson missed Sunday's Eagles' loss on Sunday after being suspended by the team for missing a team meeting earlier in the week. How did he spend the day?

** Practiced his pre-end-zone touchdown celebrations.
** Caught one fewer pass than Jason "great hands" Avant (1 catch, 2 yards).
** Called up T.O., asked for negotiating advice with Eagles management.
** Found QB Vince Young's hiding place, kicked him out for a few hours.
** Thanked his lucky stars he wasn't part of that embarrassment.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 36.10 pts -- started by Bobert
RB: Arian Foster, 31.20 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Larry Fitzgerald, 28.30 pts -- started by ChampMike
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 27.53 pts -- started by Ant
K: John Kasay, 18.00 pts -- started by me
DEF: Chicago, 38.00 pts -- started by Dad
D: Rob Ninkovich, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Gotta be honest -- I'm getting a little sick of Aaron Rodgers posting the top QB score. This is his fourth time up there.

The top unowned player on the week? That would be young Cardinals QB John Skelton. He had three passing TDs and averaged fewer than 170 yards a game in his only six starts before Sunday, but posted three TDs and 315 yards against that vaunted Eagles defense. And, for those of you counting at home, he now has one more win on the season (two) than former Eagles QB Kevin Kolb (one).

"Playing like the Eagles" edition
3rd place: David Reed, -1.10 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Josh Johnson, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Buffalo, -6.00 pts -- on Ant's bench

Congrats to the Bills defense, who managed the worst possible defensive score and the worst score on the year in their blowout loss to the Cowboys on Sunday. They allowed 44 pts, recorded no turnovers and no sacks, and just generally sucked.

Speaking of people who sucked on Sunday, Mike Vick posted a 32.5 QB rating on Sunday, throwing for 128 yards and two INTs. How bad was that? Your QB rating (0 completions, 0 yards, 0 INTs) on Sunday was 39.6. So congrats. You were a better football player and a better person than Vick this week.

Despite a 3-1 record as a starter, Broncos QB Tim Tebow received new criticism this week because his 17-10 win over the Chiefs featured only two completed passes (one was a 56-yard TD). However, the NFL has a rich history of wins despite sub-par QB play. Tebow's performance was the third time since 2000 that a QB has completed two or fewer passes and won. And Tebow's QB rating was three times better than Mike Vick's day.

In fact, in the Super Bowl era, five men have won while posting a QB rating of 0.00 (and another one has tied). Here's a look at those memorable performances:

** 1976: Giants 12, Redskins 9
QB Norm Snead, 3 of 14, 26 yards, 2 INTs
** 1973: Cardinals 30, Cowboys 3
QB Gary Keithley, 6 of 20, 30 yards, 2 INTs
** 1971: Vikings 29, Lions 10
QB Gary Cuozzo, 4 of 15, 21 yards, 2 INTs
** 1970: Chiefs 6, Cardinals 6
QB Len Dawson, 4 of 14, 38 yards, 2 INTs
** 1970: Browns 15, Steelers 7
QB Don Gault, 1 of 16, 44 yards, 2 INTs
** 1967: Vikings 10, Packers 7
QB Joe Kapp, 2 of 11, 25 yards, 2 INTs

In the interest of full disclosure, the 47 other times QBs posted a 0.00 rating in games over that span, the team lost. Still, 5-47-1 is a better win percentage then I would have guessed.

Sometimes the most obvious statements are the dumbest ones. During Sunday's Dolphins game, with the Maryland Racial Slurs trailing by 11, analyst Tim Ryan back the Slurs' decision to try a 48-yard FG in the waning moments of the game because "you're down by two scores. That's the right call." Presumably, someone in the audience was thinking they should punt and concede the game.

But, fine, whatever. Announcers have to fill time, right? So explain this Joe Buck gem, delivered before a commercial break with the 49ers leading the Giants 12-6 in the third quarter on Sunday:

"The Giants trail by six. We'll talk about that when we get back."

Isn't that what you're supposed to be doing? If not the game you're announcing, what else would you be talking about when you get back? The Monday night game? Baseball? Your big fat head?

We'll talk about his big fat head when we get back next week.

Reasons why "The Sing Off" is more watchable than "Monday Night Football"

** "The Sing Off" actually starts on time, and doesn't include three hours of pre-show introductions.

** None of the singers on "The Sing Off" have compared the president to Hitler.

** "The Sing Off" always finishes before midnight.

** Almost no erectile disfunction commercials on "The Sing Off" and no "NASCAR Now" ads.

** "The Sing Off" has no John Gruden.

Dallas is within striking distance of first place in the NFC East again, thanks to Sunday's win and the Giants' loss. Their resurgence is due in large part to a marked improvement in their running game, posting more than 650 yards in the last four games. But can they keep it up? Let's look at their lead blocker to see how game ready he is:

Dallas Cowboys FB Tony Fiammetta
** My football face is bad, most tawny.
** My football wisdom be nasty. A fact.
** My football body was fat. Can me sit?

The word "fail" also features prominently in his name too, but that'd be too easy.

Week 10 standings

If you felt that sudden chill this week, like Hell freezing over, don't worry -- that was just Ant taking over first place. But can he hold on to it?

** Dad and I split our picks this week, so I'm still two down. I'm considering attempting a two-point conversion next week to break out of this slump.

** Trade deadline for the league is this Friday. We've only had one trade this year, so if you've been saving up a good swap, now is the time.

** Thursday night football again this week. I don't know why the NFL hates you. They just do.

** Got my Eagles gear catalog in the mail today. Vick and DeSean Jackson jerseys starting as low as $75. Not good timing, folks.