2011 fantasy recap, week 12

The NFL's mid-week highlight game this Thursday features the compelling match-up of the 4-7 Eagles against the 4-7 Seahawks. Since the actual outcome of the game is of no consequence whatsoever, here's what to watch for:

** Funny names -- A jumbled set of scrambled Scrabble tiles could not come up with a better match-up than Philly CB Nnamdi Asomugha covering Seattle WR Golden Tate III.
** Revenge -- After two long years, Seahawks DE Chris Clemons will have a chance to get back at the Eagles team that traded him away. Yeah, I forgot who he was too.
** Streaking -- The Eagles haven't lost in Seattle in 15 years (3-0). The last defeat came at the hands of Seahawks QB Rick Mirer. He's better right now than QB Tavarias Jackson.
** Competition -- Only one other game this week features two teams with losing records: Carolina at Tampa Bay. And that's a division rivalry, so you have to throw away the records.
** Masochism -- Seriously, why are you considering watching this game?

QB: Drew Brees, 45.32 pts -- started by Joel
RB: Roy Helu, 27.40 pts -- on Jeff's bench
WR: Victor Cruz, 31.47 pts -- started by me
TE: Jimmy Graham, 22.64 pts -- started by Paul
K: Sebastian Janikowski, 23.00 pts -- started by NewMike
DEF: Tennessee, 24.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Ashton Youboty, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

Any week where you can include Youboty in a recap is a good week.

Also, three top performers from the Monday night game. Would have been nice if any of that excitement was in the first half, when the East Coast was still awake.

"All losers" edition
3rd place: Tashard Choice, -0.80 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Tyler Palko, -1.32 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Philadelphia, -5.00 pts -- on my bench

The Eagles post the second-worst score possible by a defense this week, managing just a single sack to avoid the absolute minimum. For the year, the Philly defense -- which added two Pro-Bowl CBs in the offseason -- has allowed the 10th most points in the league, the second most passing TDs, and the most passing plays of more than 40 yards.

But it would be unfair to label the Eagles starting three CBs a waste of money, even if they do take up $21.8 million in salary cap space this season alone. After all ... no, wait, that would be perfectly fair. Nevermind.

Raiders punter Sean Lechler kicked an 80-yard punt this week, an amazing feat that didn't even come close to setting an NFL record (Jets P Steve O’Neal hit a 98-yard pun in 1969). But plenty of other records have been in play this season. Here's a quick recap:

** Arizona CB Patrick Peterson has four punt return TDs this year, tying the NFL record.

** Both Patriots QB Tom Brady and Saints QB Drew Brees are on pace to break Dan Marino's single-season passing mark of 5,082 yards. Packers QB Aaron Rogers is on pace to miss that record by fewer than 40 yards.

** Raiders K Sebastian Janikowski booted a 63-yard FG this year, tying the NFL record.

** Vikings WR Percy Harvin on Sunday reeled off a 104-yard kickoff return before being tackled at the three-yard line. It was the longest non-scoring play in NFL history.

** The Cowboys, at 7-4, have six wins against sub-.500 teams and three game left against losing squads. They're on pace to set a record for the luckiest division win ever.

At halftime of the Bengals/Browns game, color commentator Dave Lapham, a former Cincinnati offensive lineman, summed up why the home team was down by 10 points after two quarters and how they could get back into the game:

"The Bengals offense laid an egg in the first half, so in the second half they're gonna have to sit on that egg and hatch a (chick), then feed it and nurture it and help it to grow into something."

Two problems with that:

1 -- It's a ridiculously stupid metaphor.
2 -- The reason "chick" is in parentheses is because he didn't say "chick." He said "whatever." He forgot the word for what hatches from an egg. But that didn't stop him from using the metaphor.

Besides those two things, he made a great point. The Bengals went on to win 23-20 thanks to a fourth-quarter turkey sandwich.

Word out of Houston today is that the Texans may consider bringing in former Eagles-49ers-Bucs-Browns-Lions-Raiders-Nighthawks QB Jeff Garcia to back up their thin crew of starting passers. But he's not the only former Philly gridiron hero considering a comeback. Here's what others are doing:

** QB Koy Detmer: Looking into a second career as a neckbeard consultant for the NHL.
** WR Greg Lewis: Volunteered for a medical research project looking for a cure for dropsy, found out it isn't what he thought.
** DB Andre Waters: Even in death, figures he'd be a better coverage defender than Asante Samuel.
** K Luis Zendejas: No joke needed here. He's still Luis Zendejas.
** DE Mike Mamula: Just sent in his third application to be night manager at the Quikie Mart.
** QB Donovan McNabb: Apparently still thinks he hasn't retired from football.

With everyone starting their Christmas shopping this week, I thought I'd give you a little help in the search for the perfect insult anagram for a gift. Perhaps you're just looking for a standard anagram insult? How about trying this one on?

Right Defensive End Sean Lissemore
Festering hero vended: Lameness is I

OK, but that's not really about the team at all. Looking for something in a "what are my teammates doing" variety?

Right Defensive End Sean Lissemore
Engendered fish vomits release sins

Good, but "fish vomits" won't work in every household. What about something the whole family can enjoy?

Right Defensive End Sean Lissemore
Meanie losers defend envies, girths

We know you can do your anagram shopping anywhere, and we appreciate your continued business. The "Tony Romo = Toy Moron" t-shirts are all the way in the back aisle, but we're already out of children's sizes.

Week 12 standings

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

A ton of garbage time Monday Night Football points launched me back into the top spot, just past Anthony's struggling squad and two hairs in front of NewMike's team. Jo and ChampMike have made a dent in their deficit as well. After that, you're down into Sam territory, and there's really no point in even discussing those teams.

** Picked up a game on Dad this week, thanks to Tim Tebow's ongoing late-game heroics. I'm Tebowing as I write this.

** If the college national championship game is a LSU-Alabama rematch, and second game ends without a TD, the title should go to Oklahoma State by default. I can't believe they're going to make us go through this again.

** I actually left myself a note earlier in the weekend to make fun of the Grey Cup this week. How much football is too much football?

** Oh, by the way, there's a football game Thursday. Don't forget.