2011 fantasy recap, week 9

Think you know your NFL tight ends? Then see if you can identify which of the following names are players in the league today and which are characters from the Australian sitcom "Acropolis Now"

Colin Cochart Bengals TESitcom star
Joel Dreessen Texans TESitcom star
David Ausberry Raiders TESitcom star
Michael Hoomanawanui Rams TESitcom star
Jameson Konz Seahawks TESitcom star
Schuylar Oordt Jaguars TESitcom star
Ryan Winterswyk Falcons TESitcom star



You can stop clicking that now -- they're all NFL players. And for the record, I'd only ever heard of one of them before this week.

However, "Acropolis Now" was a real TV show, and it did have an NFL connection -- main character Aristotle Hatzidimitropoulos was, of course, named after the late Chargers quarterback Jimmy Hatzidimitropoulos.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 39.08 pts -- started by Bobert
RB: Willis McGahee, 28.30 pts -- started by me
WR: Vincent Jackson, 34.40 pts -- started by ChampMike
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 21.23 pts -- started by Ant
K: David Akers, 16.00 pts -- started by Jo
DEF: Arizona, 22.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Patrick Peterson, 13.54 pts -- started by ChampMike

Weird fact: None of the top six fantasy defenses on the week (Arizona, St. Louis, Dallas, Atlanta, Denver and Miami) are owned in our league. Another weird fact: Miami has a defense. I was not aware they were still playing both sides of the ball.


3rd place: Julian Edelman, -1.09 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Delone Carter, -1.20 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Oakland, -4.00 pts -- started by Bobert

Ouch. That defensive mistake alone cost Bobert 17 pts this week, and he also started two injured players. But that's nothing compared to Dad, who left an incredible 54 pts on his bench this week, mostly in the form of QB Phillip Rivers and RB Marshawn Lynch (33.03 pts and 21.03 pts, respectively). In fairness, though, even Rivers was surprised to see himself scoring points again.

Midway through the season, here are the stats you didn't expect:

** Patriots QB Tom Brady (338 yards per game) is on pace for 5,406 passing yards this season, which would shatter the single-season record of 5,084 yards.

** The San Franciso 49ers (7-1) enjoy a five-game lead in the NFC West, and could clinch the division before Dec. 1 with wins in their next three games.

** Titans RB Chris Johnson, who set an NFL record with 2,509 yards from scrimmage two years ago, is barely on pace for 1,000 rushing and receiving yards this season.

** The Eagles vaunted trio of Pro-Bowl CBs (Nnamdi Asomugha, Asante Samuel, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie) have as many INTs this season as unknown S Kurt Coleman had in one game this year (three).

** The Colts really, really stink.

On Saturday night, I saw this TV listing:

"SyFy channel: WWE Monday Night Raw, guest starring the Muppets."

Saturday night/Monday night science fiction wrestling with puppets? Don't think about that too long, or your brain will catch fire.

Got a request this week to create some Giants anagram insults, to go along with the Cowboys ones. There's a few problems with this. First, I don't "create" these anagrams -- this is the natural evil of the damned shining through in their own names. And second, this isn't just something you can turn on and off. With the Cowboys, the evil is so blatant, so rampant, it's erupting from the player's titles, like dopeyness flowing from Eli Manning's face.

All that said, it's clear that the Giants are only slightly less demonic than the Cowboys, so I took a close look into their souls and found the following:

** Giants Eli Manning
I am entangling sin

** New York Giants running back Ahmad Bradshaw
Awkward days: A broken man cursing anything. Bah!

** Chris Snee
Cheer sins

** New York Giants wideout Victor Cruz
Zero work grist. Dunce can't outwit ivy.

** Defensive end Osi Umenyiora
I endeavor you: Sin, feed me a sin

Seriously, it's tough to look at any of the players and not have the word "sin" jump out at you. I don't know what's going on over there in New Jersey, but it should be against the law.

I'll be honest with you -- after that slate of anagrams, I'm not gonna find anything as evil and disgusting on the Dallas roster. So, I'm not even going to try this week. I'm just gonna grab a random name off the list and ...

** Dallas Cowboys linebacker Keith Brooking
Glory! The dark news: I cook bacon, kill babies

Seriously. Non-stop erupting evil.

Week 9 standings

Now we're talking. A stumble from NewMike and solid weeks from Ant and I make the race for the championship more interesting. But there's still plenty of fake football to be played.

** Dad and I are just trading punches at this point. I picked up another game on him this week, now sit two back for the year. And somehow I still picked the Vikings and Lions games wrong this week, even though both were on a bye.

** Thome!

** Where would you put the post-season odds for the Broncos or the Browns? Because at 3-5, they have the same chances at the playoffs as the Eagles.

** Thursday night game this week. Don't come crying to me if you forget to set your rosters early.

** I actually had a lengthy segment on the "Game of the Century" between LSU and Alabama on Saturday night, but the jokes ended up being boring. Not as boring as a ridiculously hyped 9-6 overtime game, but you get the idea.

2011 fantasy recap, week 8

** Dallas hadn't given up 100 yards rushing in a game all year coming into this week. On Sunday night, the Eagles had that midway through the 2nd quarter.

** Dallas had averaged almost 32 mins of possession coming into this week. On Sunday night, they had the ball for under 18 mins, thanks to that Eagles rushing attack.

** Dallas had the best receiver on the night (Laurent Robinson, 103 yards) and the top defensive player (DeMarcus Ware, 4 sacks) on Sunday. And that didn't matter at all.

** Dallas had 12 first downs in the game. The Eagles had 10 first downs in the first quarter.

** Dallas got crushed. Just crushed.

QB: Cam Newton, 30.90 pts -- started by Ant
RB: Steven Jackson, 34.03 pts -- started by Bobert
WR: Antonio Brown, 21.33 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Brent Celek, 19.27 pts -- on the wire
K: Nick Novak, 15.00 pts -- started by Bobert
DEF: Buffalo, 32.00 pts -- started by Ant
D: Cliff Avril, 17.50 pts -- on the wire

Shady McCoy rushes for 185 yards and two TDs, and he's not even the second-highest fantasy scoring back this week (Ravens RB Ray Rice edged him out by 0.10 pts). Tough competition.

"WRs that you sorta know" edition
3rd place: Ted Ginn Jr, 0.22 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Donte Stallworth, 0.20 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Blair White, 0.04 pts -- on the wire

I've been doing these recaps for eight years now, and I can't remember a single week where there wasn't at least one fantasy player in negative points. But not this week. Every QB who played earned points, every skill player hit positive points, every defense was above zero.

Just so someone can be made fun of properly here, it's worth noting that the best fantasy player to date is Green Bay QB Aaron Rodgers with 228.38 pts, and the worst player on the season is his backup, QB Matt Flynn, with -2.20 pts. Coming in at second worst at -1.80 pts is QB Vince Young, who I think still plays for the Titans. I mean, if he played for the Eagles I'd see him every once in a while, right?

Three weeks ago, Wisconsin was 6-0, boasting a top 10 scoring offense and scoring defense, and appeared to have a solid track to the Big Ten Title game and possibly a national championship appearance.

Two weeks ago, Wisconsin lost 37-31 to Michigan State on a last-second Hail Mary touchdown pass, ruining their undefeated season.

Last week, Wisconsin lost 33-29 to Ohio State on a last-minute Hail Mary tocuhdown pass, ruining their chances at a Big Ten title.

It'd be ridiculous to say that God has it out for the Badgers, or that the losses are the work of divine intervention. But it's pretty clear the Blessed Mother can't stand their guts.

Brian Billick, former head coach of the Ravens, was the FOX color commentator for the Baltimore-Arizona game on Sunday (because that's sure to provide fair and unbiased analysis). In the fourth quarter, with the game tied, Cardinals QB Kevin Kolb tossed a high but completed pass which also drew a pass interference penalty. Billick's response:

"I'd say that's an uncatchable ball, except that he did catch it."

Billick routinely refers to "Philly's great former RB Michael Westbrook" when calling Eagles games, so it's pretty clear he's just a few head shots away from the PUP list (Physically Unable to Pronounce). Still, it would probably help if he tried thinking before he talked next time.

First it was "planking," then "batmaning," then "owling." Now, the next great viral trend is "Tebowing" -- posing with one knee down in a moment of victory prayer, like Broncos QB Tim Tebow does. Or, it was a trend, until the Detroit defensive line used the pose as a mocking taunt after sacking Tebow repeatedly on Sunday. But, to keep you ahead of the game, hereare the next photobomb trends to expect:

** TO-ing: In honor of WR Terrell Owens, making as much noise as possible in public, to see what media attention you can get.

** Eli-ing: In honor of Giants QB Eli Manning, posing with a slack-jawed, vacant stare as the world passes by.

** Redskin-ing: In honor of the Maryland Racial Slurs defense, celebrating wildly even when your team is being shut out.

** Ochocinco-ing: In honor of Patriots WR Chad Ochocinco, disappearing in public.

** Farve-ing: In honor of QB Brett Farve, saying you're going to sit down, sitting down, then standing up again, saying you're going to sit down, and repeating.

** McNabb-ing: In honor of Vikings QB Donovan McNabb, dry heaving after every action.

** Romo-ing: In honor of Cowboys QB Tony Romo, posing as if you're choking.

If you're part of the Dallas coaching staff, what do you say to your team after an embarassment of a game like that on Sunday? Luckily, if you're Cowboys' Defense Coach Rob Ryan, all you need to do is rearrange the letters in your title a little bit:

Dallas defensive coordinator Rob Ryan
Sorry, vile brood: A nadir, no NFC East lead

For the record, nearly every single week, no matter which Cowboy's player or coach I pick, I always seem to have the right letters to spell "vile" or "evil." Coincidence? I think not.

Week 8 standings

While the rest of us tread water, Anthony is making his way up towards the promised land. Too bad he can't start both Cam Newton and Mike Vick every week.

** Lost another week to Dad, now I'm back to three down in our weekly standings. But we both correctly picked the winless Rams to thump the 5-2 Saints, proving our prognosticating skills. Or, at least that's what we're saying publicly.

** Your FCS football update: Delaware beat Towson on Saturday night, 35-30, preserving the Hens slim playoff hopes for this season. At 5-4, it has been a rough season for Delaware, but at least they're not Villanova (1-8 on the season). Towson's record? Nobody cares.

** Great news from ChampMike, whose son was born just a few hours ago -- both mom Heidi and the baby are happy and healthy. However, we also have terrible news from the league office: Baby Doyle has already tested positive for illegal performance enhancing drugs, and received a one-year ban from fantasy league play like his mother. Somebody really has to clean up that household.

2011 fantasy recap, week 7

For those of you keeping score at home.

** Chris Redman (Falcons)
Zero for 1, zero yards, 39.6 rating
** Michael Spurlock (Bucs)
Zero for 1, zero yards, 39.6 rating
** You (No team)
Zero for 1, zero yards, 39.6 rating
** Matt Hasselbeck (Titans)
14 for 30, 104 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs, 38.8 rating
** Curtis Painter (Colts)
9 for 17, 67 yards, 1 INT, 38.1 rating
** Charlie Whitehurst (Seahawks)
12 for 30, 97 yards, 1 INT, 25.0 rating
** Kyle Boller (Raiders)
7 of 14, 61 yards, 3 INTs, 22.3 rating
** Carson Palmer (Raiders)
8 of 21, 116 yards, three INTs, 17.3 rating

For the record, you were also better on Sunday than Eli Manning, who used the bye week to pratice his interception face.

QB: Drew Brees, 43.00 pts -- started by Joel
RB: Arian Foster, 42.43 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Marques Colston, 25.53 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Jimmy Graham, 21.60 pts -- started by Paul
K: Mason Crosby, 18.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF: Kansas City, 40.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Donald Butler, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Coming into this week, we only saw three players top 40 points all season. This week, we had three more, including a unheard of 40-point defensive performance, the best in fantasy football history (note: probably not, but I'm not fact-checking that.) Foster nearly doubled his fantasy output for the year on Sunday (107 pts total now). RB Chris Johnson? He still stinks.

"Those terrible QBs" edition
3rd place: Curtis Painter, -0.22 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Kyle Boller, -0.66 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Carson Palmer, -1.36 pts -- on the wire

I know I already made fun of Palmer and Boller, but I really can't exaggerate that just how bad they were in Oakland's 28-0 loss on Sunday to Kansas City. And it gives me a chance to pull out one of my favorite stats: The Reverse QB rating.

Assume, if you will, that these guys were actually playing for the Chiefs instead of the Raiders. Both threw an INT returned for a TD. Both completed multiple passes to the KC defense. So, if we run their numbers backwards, here's what their QB rating looks like:

Palmer (as a Raider)
8 of 21, 116 yards, three INTs, 17.3 rating
Palmer (as a Chief)
3 of 21, 60 yards, 1 TD, 8 INTs, 15.8 rating
Boller (as a Raider)
7 of 14, 61 yards, 3 INTs, 22.3 rating
Boller (as a Chief)
3 of 14, 51 yards, 1 TD, 7 INTs, 26.4 rating

Just awful, any way you cut it.

We're not even halfway through the season, and already it's very clear who should win the NFL MVP this year: Colts QB Peyton Manning. Sure, he has't played a single down this season, but consider how awful Indianapolis has been without him:

2010: 381 yards of offense per game
2011: 280 yards of offense per game

2010: 27.2 points scored per game
2011: 15.9 points scored per game

2010: Defense on the field 30:30 per game
2011: Defense on the field 35:36 per game

2010: 45 percent 3rd down conversion rate
2011: 36 percent 3rd down conversion rate

And the most telling stat? Last year, after seven games, the Colts were 5-2. This year? 0-7, with nary a win in sight.

Normally I just like to highlight mis-speaks and idicotic statements here, but I need to take a little different approach this week. On Oct. 14, football analyst Matt Millen, who put together the worst team in NFL history when he was GM of the Lions, had this to say about Detroit's recent sports success:

"I think it's awesome. I think it's fantastic. I'm especially happy for those fans -- they deserve it. They've been waiting for this for decades."

Since those comments, the Lions -- who were undefeated at that point in the season -- have lost two games in a row in which they were favored, and the Detroit Tigers were eliminated from the MLB playoffs.

When will we as Americans recognize that every time Matt Millen speaks, it causes irreparable damage to the city of Detroit? Haven't they suffered enough?

** Since QB Mike Vick joined the Eagles, the team has gone 1-4 against the Cowboys, and has been outscored by 46 points total in those contests.

** In games where Vick has appeared against the Cowboys, including his time in Atlanta, Vick is a mediocre 2-3 against the Cowboys.

** In their last five prime-time games against Dallas, the Eagles are 1-4.

** Sunday's Eagles-Cowboys game is in Philly. In their last five games at home, the Eagles are 0-5.

** The Cowboys last week rushed for 298 yards against the Rams, a team that coming into the game was giving up 4.8 yards per carry to opponents. The Eagles rush defense? It's currently giving up 4.8 yards per carry to opponents.

Maybe setting expectations lower will make next Sunday less painful.

Cowboys rookie DeMarco Murray burst onto the NFL scene this weekend with an impressive 253-yard performance against St. Louis on Sunday (which, since it was against the 0-7 Rams, only counts as 87 yards). Murray was a college star at Oklahoma, but not much has been known about what kind of pro player he'll be. Of course, when we look at his name ...

Dallas rookie RB DeMarco Murray
A armored-abs crook. I'll murder ya.

... we can see that on top of being pure evil, Murray is also grammatically challenged. We use "an" when the next word starts with a vowel, Mr. Murray. Think about that during your next killing spree.

Week 7 standings

Paul could have used that 40-point KC defense this week: Instead, he decided to start the Bengals D, even though they were on a bye. Normally, that'd be enough to earn you a spot of ridicule in this column, but Joel one-upped him by starting three players on a bye. If you take his QB out of the mix (Brees), he had 11 other players score a breathtaking 46 points. Around here, we call that kind of failure "Andy Reid" coaching.

What's Anthony doing near the top again?

** I'm now only two back on Dad in the weekly picks, but I'm 3-4 in my other fantasy league (where money is involved). I lost this week by 0.9 pts, thanks to the last-minute FG put up by the Jags against the Ravens D. If anyone knows friends in the NFL stats department, let me know if you can get an extra sack added to Baltimore's total, and I'll be back in business.

** World Series update, game six: I still don't care.

** Following up on the RB Jerome Harrison trade from last week: I'm glad his pre-trade physical found his potentially life-threatening brain tumor early enough for him to get treatment, and I understand he won't be playing at all this year. All I'm saying is, I'd still rather have him on the roster now than RB Ronnie Brown.

** Since I feel like most of this post was doom and gloom this week, here's something to cheer you up.

2011 fantasy recap, week 6

You don't have to be a genius to see that this weekend's big game means some exciting playoff football is headed to Philly this season.

Sure, the offense was quieter than usual, but the defense was inspired. What impressed me the most was the steady coaching we saw throughout the game, which is important when you're looking at all the new faces on the team over the last two years.

There's no question in my mind that this team will be dangerous for the rest of the year, and has a legitimate shot at going deep into the post-season.

So, congrats to the Philadelphia Union, for clinching their first playoff berth in just their second season. Maybe you can inspire some other football teams in this city to overachieve for once.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 29.90 pts -- started by Bobert
RB: Ahmad Bradshaw, 32.13 pts -- started by NewMike
WR: Devin Hester, 25.75 pts -- on the wire
TE: Brandon Pettigrew, 16.80 pts -- started by Joel
K: Billy Cundiff, 20.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: NY Jets, 26.00 pts -- started by Ant
D: Aldon Smith, 14.50 pts -- on the wire

Listening to the local Ravens broadcast on Sunday, the commentators were talking about how reliable Cundiff has been on FGs and kickoffs, going so far as to call him "Weapon X" for the team. I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure Brian Dawkins hunted each of them down after the game and murdered them viciously. Not out of anger, of course. Just to illustrate a point.


3rd place: Matthew Slater, -1.56 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Vince Young, -1.80 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Rex Grossman, -2.28 pts -- on the wire

Nice work, "Dream Team" Young. Really appreciate your contributions here.

And while Sexy Rexy was worth negative points, it should be noted that his leading receiver on the day -- Eagles S Kurt Coleman -- was worth 10 pts (Three INTs, five tackles). So, he's got that going for him as he rides the bench next week.

Here's everything you need to know about the MLB championship this year:

1 ~ The St. Louis Cardinals have the second most World Series titles in history (10), behind only the Yankees.

2 ~ The Texas Rangers fan base is made up mostly of Dallas Cowboys fans.

So there you go: It's the poor-man's Yankees vs. the Dallas Cowboys B-team. To get a worse match-up, you'd have to find a way to get the Red Sox and the real Yankees to play in the finals. Don't worry, MLB is already working on that.

So, let me get this straight:

Last season, the Eagles signed RB Mike Bell, decided he couldn't play, and traded him to the Browns for RB Jerome Harrison.

Then they cut Harrison.

This season, the Eagles signed RB Ronnie Brown, decided he couldn't play, and traded him to the Lions for RB Jerome Harrison (and a draft pick).

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that Harrison won't be around next May. But he may be around again next October.

Here's what the Eagles have scheduled for their off week next Sunday:

** CB Nnamdi Asomugha: Re-learning how to tackle
** CB Asante Samuel: Watching Asomugha relearn how to tackle
** QB Mike Vick: Getting injured rolling out of bed
** FB Owen Schmitt: Trying to remember if he's still on the team
** WR Steve Smith: Checking if the Giants need another wideout
** QB Vince Young: Sucking. Just more sucking.

The Cowboys offense took a lot of heat this week for playing conservatively in the second half, taking a slim late lead and ultimately losing to the Patriots in a tight contest. But the defensive players saw the failure coming from a mile away. Consider the Cowboys' second leading tackler on the day:

Cowboys Dallas defensive tackle Jay Ratliff
** Bovines' jiffy attack eased, cowed rally falls

Too forced for you? How about their linebacking corps then?

Cowboys linebacker Victor Butler
Brave lot? Incorrect, I lobby. We suck. Boo.

Too much? How about the secondary?

Dallas CB Abram Elam
Scab alarm: Me all bad.

That'll do, pig. That'll do.

Week 6 standings

Everyone scored at least 100 pts this week, no one left more than 15 pts on their bench, no one started a player on a bye. C'mon, people. Give me something to write about.

And, yes, Jeff and Joel, I realized I reversed your names up there. But you're too far down in the standings and I'm too lazy tonight to fix it.

** Picked up one game on Dad this week by correctly predicting that the Eagles would win. I also incorrectly picked the Lions, making me 0-6 in predicting their games this season. Between that and the Tigers loss, no one is more disappointed in the state of Detroit sports this week than me. No one.

** Will Smith (no, not Saints DE Will Smith. The other one) is now part-owner of the Philadelphia 76ers. I don't have a joke here, but I have been singing "Getting jiggy wit it" all day.

** I was in Vegas this weekend (seriously) and on Saturday I made a $5 bet that the Eagles would win the Super Bowl (seriously). It's 35 to 1 odds, so if the impossible happens in February, I'll be celebrating with $175 extra in my pocket. Of course, I still have no faith in this team, but at least I've found a way to make myself root for them every Sunday.

2011 fantasy recap, week 5

The NFL season began 33 days ago, and the Eagles have one win.

The NHL season began six days ago, and the Flyers have two wins.

Just saying.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 37.12 pts -- on Sam's bench
RB: Adrian Peterson, 30.20 pts -- started by Paul
WR: Dwayne Bowe, 27.53 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Joel Dreessen, 19.47 -- on the wire
K: Sebastian Janikowski, 20.00 pts -- started by NewMike
DEF: Seattle, 26.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Brandon Browner, 12.50 pts -- on the wire

Everyone who had Seattle beating up the Giants this week, raise your hands. OK, you relentlessly optimistic Seahawks fans out there can put your hands down now.

The Eagles may have managed five turnovers as a team, but New Jersey QB Eli Manning had a fumble and three picks, including the game-clinching 94-yard INT return for a TD. It was the Seahawks first win against the Giants on the East Coast in 28 years. Back then, Eli was only two-year-old, but already had developed those vacant, soulless eyes.

"Across the board" edition
3rd place: Michael Robinson, -1.50 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Arnaz Battle, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Tampa Bay, -4.00 pts -- on the wire

And if you had Tampa Bay giving up 48 pts to the San Franciso 49ers this week, I'd like your guesses at the lottery numbers for the rest of the week.

Forget for a moment that the Phillies loss on Friday ruined the best regular season in team history -- was the game itself more or less painful to watch than the Eagles debacle on Sunday? Consider these lowlights:

Eagles: 1st Q, Mike Vick tosses two INTs
Phillies: Bottom 1st, Hunter Pence grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 2nd Q, Vick botches a FG chance with horrible clock work
Phillies: Bottom 3rd, Jimmy Rollins grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 3rd Q, Bills RB Fred Jackson opens the Q with a 22-yard run
Phillies: Bottom 5th, Roy Halladay grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 4th Q, WR Jason Avant has his second turnover of the game
Phillies: Bottom 7th, Raul Ibanez grounds out to end the inning

Eagles: 4th Q, DE Juqua Parker jumps offsides, ending the game
Phillies: Bottom 9th, Ryan Howard grounds out to end the game, injures his leg

16 ground ball outs for the Phillies, and 23 positive rushes for the Bills. Either way, it was like water torture.

During Saturday's Virginia Tech/Miami game, the announcers were analyzing a long run by the Hokies' QB when I hear them say this:

"The 3rd string tight end with the spectacular name George George had a key block which opened up that whole play."

Look, I know I joked about naming my kid "Shane Shane" for a number of years, but I didn't actually follow through with it, because that'd be cruel. Think of all the grief you'd get on standardized tests. Think of the trouble at the DMV. What if the kid grows up and develops a stuttering problem?

No way this can be real, right? I assumed it must be a nickname or middle name or something, so I looked up his bio. Turns out the facts are even worse: Dude is George George III, meaning that no only did his father and grandfather live through this nightmare, but they felt the need to pass it on to the next generation.

At 1-4, the Eagles are one of the worst teams in the league (tied with Jacksonville, Carolina, Arizona, Minnesota and Denver), but they aren't the bottom of the barrel yet. Here's a look at the contenders for that title:

** St. Louis Rams (0-4)
WHY: Tough early sked plus injuries to RB Jackson equal zero wins
POINT DIFF: -67
HOPEFUL SIGN: Still only 3 games out of first in the weak NFC West
REALITY: Of their last 12 games, 8 are against potential playoff teams

** Miami Dolphins (0-4)
WHY: Lost starting QB Chad Henne, forgot to field a defense
POINT DIFF: -35
HOPEFUL SIGN: All of their games have been close, despite their record
REALITY: They still play in the AFC East. That's 6 losses for sure.

** Indianapolis Colts (0-5)
WHY: QB Peyton Manning's neck fell off
POINT DIFF: -49
HOPEFUL SIGN: Manning isn't dead, so he'll be back someday
REALITY: Manning doesn't play defense, so he only fixes half the issue

The Cowboys didn't play this week, but their hatred of all things good takes no vacation. Just look at what their break time spells out:

Dallas Cowboys annual bye week plans
Dopey weasels sock a baby, welp a nun, dally on

As if punching the baby wasn't enough evil.

Week 5 standings


Yeah, we're all getting sick of NewMike right now. On the plus side, my team is looking pretty good. I know that encourages all of you.

** Dropped two more to Dad, now I'm four back in the standings. Which means I'm even behind where the Eagles are in the standings. I don't care what the league says, I still don't believe the Lions are 5-0.

** I was going to make a Brett Farve birthday joke here, but I just don't think I have it in me.

** I'm fooling around with the comments on these posts, after finding out that blogger is having some problems allowing responses. So, for the none of you who've wanted to leave a comment, you should be able to do so now.

** Right now, it's better to be a Detroit sports fan than a Philadelphia sports fan. Just writing that made me throw up in my mouth a little.