2010 fantasy season recap

Here are the final league standings for this season:

Farve Dollar Footlongs (Ant)
Prediction -- 11th place, 1800.00 pts
Actual finish -- 12th place, 1807.76 pts
NFL equivalent -- Carolina Panthers
Let's be honest -- Between his new job and the birth of his beautiful baby daughter this season, Anthony could care less about his last-place finish. He barely even tried for most of the year, just like the Panthers. On the plus side, both are guaranteed great draft picks next year. And both have nine months to come up with excuses for next year's terrible season as well.

Heidi’s team (Heidi)
Prediction -- 12th place, 1705 pts
Actual finish -- 11th place, 1856.69 pts
NFL equivalent -- Cincinnati Bengals
Heidi’s coaching skills have just never fully recovered from that one-year suspension for performance-enhancing drugs in 2007. Sure, it’s usually not this bad of a finish, but there’s no fire, no passion for crushing the league. Clearly, there’s only one way for her to get that enthusiasm back: Force a trade out of Green Bay, sexually harass some folks in New York, then move to Minnesota. That’s standard career rejuvenation now, right?

I heart WRs (Paul)
Prediction -- 2nd place, 2125 pts
Actual finish -- 10th place, 1914.21 pts
NFL equivalent -- Minnesota Vikings
Both Paul's team and the Vikings came into 2010 with high expectations, and both leave the season with their shoulders slumped and hopes dashed. On the bright side, at least Paul's house didn't collapse under the weight of a sudden snowfall, so he's in better shape than the Minnesota franchise. On the down side, his recent referendum for a bond sale to finance a 65,000-seat addition to his house was not approved by voters.

Obama’s Kenyan Birth (Jim)
Prediction -- 8th place, 1889 pts
Actual finish -- 9th place, 1921.69 pts
NFL equivalent -- Cleveland Browns
Everything about Jim screams Cleveland Browns. Questionable coaching? Check. Surly fan base? Check. Eric Mangini hanging out in his living room? Check. (By the way, Jim, Eric Mangini needs a place to stay, now that he got fired.) The good news for Jim and his Cleveland buddies is that baseball season starts soon, so they'll all once again be pulling for the Indians and rooting against those stinking Yankees.

I Love Me Some Me (Joanner)
Prediction -- 1st place, 2126 pts
Actual finish -- 8th place, 1964.51 pts
NFL equivalent -- Houston Texans
Nothing acts like the kiss of death like NFL "experts" calling you the team to watch, and nothing kills your Awesome Cup chances like me putting you #1 in the pre-season poll. So, both the Texans and Joanna taste bitter defeat and finish near the bottom of the pile. However, her poor record this year reflects well on Junior Awesome, who helped guide her to a 3rd-place finish last year from his assistant coaching seat in her belly. That kid clearly has potential.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Prediction -- 4th place, 2020 pts
Actual finish -- 7th place, 2030 pts
NFL equivalent -- San Diego Chargers
A bit of a down year for the one-time Awesome Cup champ, but we'll focus on the positives. He set his roster for at least 12 of the 17 weeks this season. He finished second (out of three) in the league's Ohio subdivision. And he was not fined by the NFL once this year for an illegal helmet-to-helmet hit, or for tripping players on the sidelines. That Jeff is a class act, and he's proving that nice guys don't always finish last. Sometimes they finish seventh.

The Tebow Connection (Joel)
Prediction -- 10th place, 1825 pts
Actual finish -- 6th place, 2115.46 pts
NFL equivalent -- Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I'll admit I didn't think Joel, despite the solid team name, had a chance of finishing in the top half of the bracket, but like Tampa Bay he surprised with a strong all-around performance. It just wasn't strong enough to really matter in the end. But, like the Bucs, at least he can look back on that great 2002 championship season with fond memories and a sense of hope for the future. Wait, he didn't win that year? Ouch.

Jonathan’s PopPop (Dad)
Prediction -- 7th place, 1949 pts
Actual finish -- 5th place, 2117.41 pts
NFL equivalent -- Jacksonville Jaguars
Dad inched out Joel by fewer than two pts to secure fifth place and win ... pride, I guess? Like the Jags, he earns the distinction of being the best of the non-playoff teams. And, like the Jags, that earns you a slightly-better-but-still-not-good draft pick next year. But he'll definitely be able to grab Kevin Kolb in the first round this year. I've got a good feeling about that kid taking over the Eagles offense in 2011.

Stay Puft Haynesworth (NewMike)
Prediction -- 6th place, 1950 pts
Actual finish -- 4th place, 2183.06 pts
NFL equivalent – New Orleans Saints
The Awesome Cup defending champs played like the defending Super Bowl champs: good, but not quite good enough to really stand out. NewMike just edged out Paul for the most roster moves this year (30 to 29) and the most pick-ups of players minutes before I got them (at least a dozen). He also easily posted the best team name in a weak crop of contenders. Start thinking of better ones for next year. “KevinKolb4evar” will not be accepted.

Springfield Atoms (Bob)
Prediction -- 9th place, 1850 pts
Actual finish -- 3rd place, 2268.68 pts
NFL equivalent -- Kansas City Chiefs
For a while it looked like Dr. Bob and all his fancy-pants college degrees had this league wrapped up, but book learning ain’t how you win the Awesome Cup. If he had used some street smarts instead of his ivory tower academics, maybe he could have predicted two untimely concussions to QB Aaron Rodgers and a mysterious late-season disappearance by WR Calvin Johnson. But he didn’t. On the plus side, a bronze medal is a nice consolation prize … if you get that for finishing third here, which we don’t.

I’m on a Horse (ChampMike)
Prediction -- 5th place, 2001 pts
Actual finish -- 2nd place, 2279.48 pts
NFL equivalent -- Pittsburgh Steelers
Old reliable Mike, the only two-time Awesome Cup champion in league history (more on that in a minute), made a strong run at the title again this season with a Dwayne-Bowe-filled stats avalanche in December. But, as we all know, if you're not first, you're last. So Mike and Heidi get the same prize for their very different finishes at each end of the leaderboard: a hearty handshake, and a comfy seat on the couch during the post-season. In Dallas, they call that a Tony Romo winter.

West Coast Westy (Capt. Awesome)
Prediction -- 3rd place, 2072 pts
Actual finish -- 1st place, 2328.68 pts
NFL equivalent -- 2008 Philadelphia Phillies
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot there is one other two-time Awesome Cup champ, now that this season has finished. I rode the Tom Brady-Mike Vick-LeSean McCoy train to my second league title, and accomplished something no other football team in history has done -- won meaningful games with Lee Evans on my squad. The word "hero" is thrown around too casually by the liberal media nowadays, but I think in this case, considering my coaching skills, it's absolutely appropriate.

In celebration, I looked up what I wrote the last time I won the league title, and it's as poetic now as it was then: "So that’s how it ends, with me striking the Heisman pose and all of you wishing you were more like me. And that’s a pretty happy ending.

Without further ado, I happily award the 2010 Awesome Cup to myself:

Thanks all for playing this year. Remember, I'm here every week, good football or bad football, so be sure to check back for some chuckles through the playoffs and the weeks leading up to Draftsgiving. And start getting your act together for next fantasy season, and the race for the 10th Awesome Cup title.

2010 fantasy recap, week 17

** Neither Kevin Kolb nor Donovan McNabb was the right choice at QB for the Eagles.
** It doesn't matter what else happens, Peyton Manning will end up in the playoffs.
** It doesn't matter what else happens, Eli Manning will choke in December.
** Terrell Owens can still play, but somehow that means fewer wins, not more.
** Football should never be played on Tuesday nights, unless it's college teams no one cares about.
** The NFC West is, and always has been, simply terrible.
** Brett Favre is one of the greatest QBs in NFL history, and nobody wants to see him play ever again.

Top QBs
1st place: Tom Brady, 371.00 pts – 5th QB drafted (me)
2nd place: Aaron Rodgers, 360.48 pts – 1st QB drafted (Bobert)
3rd place: Mike Vick, 352.32 pts – Waiver pick-up (me)
No one can tell you that just a few months ago they saw Vick cracking the top three, but at least the other two here were expected.

Top RBs
1st place: Arian Foster, 374.87 pts – 25th RB drafted (Joel)
2nd place: Peyton Hillis, 279.52 pts – 44th RB drafted (NewMike)
3rd place: LeSean McCoy, 277.97 pts – 18th RB drafted (me)
You can't say the same for these guys. Arian Foster, who no one ever heard of before September, easily won the league rushing title and was the best fantasy player overall.

Top WRs
1st place: Roddy White, 273.40 pts – 8th WR drafted (Jeff)
2nd place: Dwayne Bowe, 240.37 pts – 19th WR drafted (ChampMike)
3rd place: Brandon Lloyd, 238.73 pts – Waiver pick-up (ChampMike)
Dwayne Bowe (whose parents apparently wanted to name him Rainbow but had a speech impediment) was a mild surprise here, but Lloyd was a stunner. He had more yards and catches this year than in three years with the Bears and Racial Slurs combined.

Top TEs
1st place: Jason Witten, 215.30 pts – 7th TE drafted (NewMike)
2nd place: Mercedes Lewis, 162.17 pts – 18th TE drafted (ChampMike)
3rd place: Antonio Gates, 162.13 pts – 2nd TE drafted (NewMike)
The #1 drafted TE? Brent Celek. How'd that work out for the first half of the season?

Top K
1st place: Sebastian Janikowski, 158.00 pts – 10th K drafted (Joel)
2nd place: David Akers, 154.50 pts – 12th K drafted (ChampMike)
3rd place: Josh Brown, 139.00 pts – Never used
Twelve teams in the league, and no one had use for poor Josh Brown? So sad.

Top DEF
1st place: Pittsburgh, 221.00 pts – 5th DEF drafted (Jeff)
2nd place: New England, 218.00 pts – Waiver pick-up (me)
3rd place: Green Bay, 210.00 pts – 4th DEF drafted (ChampMike)
Frankly, I only get surprised when Pittsburgh doesn't have one of the top three defenses. Hopefully Green Bay's D will suffer a sudden breakdown next Sunday.

Top D
1st place: Kerry Rhodes, 79.00 pts – Waiver pick-up (NewMike)
2nd place: James Harrison, 77.50 pts – Waiver pick-up (ChampMike)
3rd place: Terrell Thomas, 77.00 pts – Waiver pick-up (Paul)
3rd place: Ray Lewis, 77.00 pts – Waiver pick-up (Joel)
And, once again, none of us have any idea how to draft defensive players. But at least we corrected our mistakes.

“Year-end” edition

5th place: Sage Rosenfels, -0.30 pts
4th place: Brodie Croyle, -0.48 pts
3rd place: Levi Brown, -1.04 pts
2nd place: Brian Brohm, -3.76 pts
1st place: Todd Collins, -7.28 pts

The bottom six spots of the year all went to backup QBs, but no one was quick as spectacularly awful on the year as the Bears second-string signal caller.

In two appearances this year, Collins passed for just 68 yards and five interceptions. His QB rating for the season was 5.9, roughly seven times worse than your QB rating for the year (1 attempt, 0 completions equals a 39.5 rating). For good measure, he was also sacked twice.

Amazingly, Chicago was 1-1 in those games, beating Carolina 23-6 in a game where Collins threw four picks. Just so we’re clear on that point: The Bears would have been better off not fielding a QB in that game, and they still won by 17 points.

If you missed that contest, don’t worry. I’m sure the NFL Network will be airing it as an instant classic for years to come.

Players who appeared in Sunday's games who I was sure had retired already:

** Mark Brunell: The 40-year-old QB, in his 15th year, threw two TDs and a pick in the Jets' win over Buffalo on Sunday.
** Fred Taylor: The aging RB, whose career appeared over in 2002 because of leg injuries, had 10 carries in the Patriots win over the Dolphins.
** Greg Lewis: The eight-year WR, who hasn't caught more than 20 passes in a season since 2005, had a tackle in the Vikings loss to the Lions.
** Donte Stallworth: The controversial WR, who was suspended for the season two years ago following a fatal DUI accident, had one rush for 15 yards in the Ravens win over the Bengals.
** Takeo Spikes: The 13-year LB, who had recorded a sack in each of his last 12 seasons, had three tackles but no sacks in the 49ers win over the Cardinals.
** Kevin Kolb: The fourth-year QB, who came into this year as the Eagles' starter, sorta sucks.

This weekend marked the end of the regular season, but not the end of stupid. Here's a quick sampling of what to expect as the playoffs roll around:

Before the games started, ESPN talking head Chris Berman said the Green Bay Packers had a chance to end the playoff hopes for the Giants "and the largest TV market in America, much to the NFL's dismay." So, ESPN has finally acknowledged that the New York Jets do not play in New York or have any fans there.

During the Eagles game, the FOX announcers explained that three teams were vying for the final playoff spot "but only one of them, the Packers, controls their own destiny." You know, as opposed to all three of them controlling their own destiny, and all three of them getting in on that one playoff spot.

Sunday night, following a Seattle TD by WR Mike Williams , NBC analyst Chris Collinsworth exclaimed "what a long, strange ride it has been for this guy." I did not realize that Collinsworth went to the same Catholic high school as me, where the senior prom theme was "what a long, strange journey it's been" because the word "trip" was too suggestive.

But my personal favorite of the weekend came during the CBS telecast of the Chargers-Broncos game, when QB Phillip Rivers scrambled past a blitzing linebacker and tossed a beautiful 20-yard pass for a first down:

Color announcer: "Did you see that? You think Phillip Rivers doesn't care about this game? Do you think Rivers thinks this game is meaningless and doesn't care if he wins?"
Play-by-play announcer: "No, no I don't. I didn't say that."

Sorry to say, but the commentary only gets worse as the games get more important.

Why wait until this season is over to start worrying about next year? Here's a quick breakdown of the Eagles' already set opponents for next season, and their chances of beating them:

Home Games: Cowboys, Giants, Racial Slurs, Patriots, Jets, Niners, Cardinals, Bears
** The Patriots and Jets are harsh home opponents, and with the loss of CB Asante Samuel for the 2011 season (convicted of insider trading) Tom Brady and Mark Sanchez carve up the defense in lopsided losses, and a mid-season upset loss to the 0-6 Racial Slurs hurts too. But the Eagles steal an early-season win against the Bears (a fourth quarter Devin Hester fumble sets up the game-winning field goal), and beat the rest of their NFC opponents, to finish 5-3 at home.

Away Games: Cowboys, Giants, Racial Slurs, Bills, Dolphins, Seahawks, Rams, Falcons
** LeSean McCoy rushes for a team-record 240 yards in an early match-up in Buffalo, setting up a season-long theme of "run first" for the new-look Eagles. A mid-season loss in Atlanta doesn't hurt as much as a dreadful game against 2-6 Seattle (Mike Vick, three INTs and two fumbles) but the team finishes strong to post a 11-5 record overall. Unfortunately, that Seahawks loss costs them a first-round bye again.

Conclusion: Actually, it's 2013 you should really start worrying about. Have you seen that schedule? Ugh.

The Cowboys handled the Eagles second-stringers on Sunday, completing their season with a 6-10 record. Sure, the team didn't quite reach their pre-season Super Bowl expectations, but a few nice games at the end of the season and a win against the NFC East champs to close the year has to leave the Cowboys with some positive momentum, right? Let's anagram it and see:

Cowboys rally in final game for a victory
** No valor: Crying Cowboy army fails at life

That seems a bit harsh. Maybe if we just phrase it a little differently?

Dallas squad manages win in their last week
** Therein, squawking seals still damned. Waaa

OK, but really, can we leave the boys for the year on such a negative anagram? One more, please:

Big D triumphs in final weekend contest
** But finish lacks redemption. Wet ending

That'll do it. Have fun playing golf while good teams play the Super Bowl in your home, cowpokes.

** Dad and I split the final slate of game this week, giving me a slim one-game victory in our weekly picks contest ... but a victory nonetheless. It's our closest finish ever and only the sixth time I've won the rivalry since I left home for college (I think ... to be honest, we usually forget who won by the time the next season rolls around). As punishment, Dad has to wear the shirt of my choosing when we go to Citizens Bank Park later this spring. I'll make him wear his embarrassing #33 Cliff Lee shirt, while I wear my far superior #34 Cliff Lee shirt.

** Only 87 days until baseball season begins.

** I'd like to point out once again that when I said Kevin Kolb was the wrong choice at QB for the Eagles, I was completely right. Nevermind the logic behind it. The important point here is to recognize the conclusion was correct.

** Don't forget: University of Delaware plays for the national championship of college football (in the division that really matters) this Friday night. You're rooting for the guys with blue and yellow helmets this time, not against them.

Coming tomorrow -- the final season recap, and the engraving of the Awesome Cup.

2010 fantasy recap, week 16

Nine years ago, the NFL struggled with the decision of whether to postpone their entire slate of games for a weekend after the deadliest terrorist attack on American soil stunned the nation and grounded every single plane in the country. They did, after several days of deliberation and some emotional patriotic words on both sides of the debate.

On Sunday, the NFL decided to postpone the Eagles/Vikings game after about three hours of listening to weathermen predict unbearably heavy snowfall in New York and Boston, hundreds of miles north of Lincoln Financial Field, because of concerns about how bad the roads outside the stadium might be.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you, as gently as possible, is that the terrorists won.

Hey, Ed Rendell agrees with me.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 42.76 pts – started by Bobert
RB: Jamaal Charles, 26.37 pts – started by Paul
WR: Jerome Simpson, 26.27 pts – sitting on the wire
TE: Kellen Winslow, 25.53 pts – started by Jeff
K: Sebastian Janikowski, 19.00 pts – started by Joel
DEF: New England, 26.00 pts – started by me
D: Antoine Winfield, 18.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Winfield, the Vikings cornerback, got 10 of his 18 pts on that first-half sack-fumble-TD against the Eagles on Monday night. Luckily, the Birds played poorly enough that didn't really matter in the end.

By the way, Heidi's team scored just 59 pts this week, one of the worst outings ever in league history. That's largely because her top RB and starting QB were both benched this week, and she did nothing in response. For comparison's sake, Bobert's starting QB and top running back posted 52 pts on their own.

“Names you know” edition
3rd place: Fred Taylor, -0.30 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Brodie Croyle, -2.08 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Mike Tolbert, -2.20 pts – started by Paul

How is it even possible that Fred Taylor is even playing? His knees were washed up six years ago.

By the way, just last month I wrote this:

"Paul started the worst player in the league for the third time this year. Two times is bad coaching. Three? That's just rotten luck. FYI, four is destiny."

It's destiny, Paul. Sorry.

Think you know the NFL? Then see if you can name which of the following folks are 2010 Pro-Bowlers, and which ones are space Marines from the movie Aliens.

** Al Apone: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Marc Mariani: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Maurkice Pouncey: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Daniel Spunkmeyer: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Logan Mankins: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Vonta Leach: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer
** Trevor Wierzbowski: Pro-Bowl or space? Answer

If you got fewer than five right, game over, man, game over.

On the NFL Network's special Saturday edition of Thursday Night Football (OK, right there, stop. That alone is stupid enough to stop typing this entire section. If you can't decide what day of the week it is, you shouldn't be airing football, driving cars, or speaking on any sort of mass media. I'm going to start having special Monday editions of Saturday afternoon and see if my bosses still expect me to show up for work ...)

On the NFL Network's special Saturday edition of Thursday Night Football, when they were talking about the possibility of the Eagles and Vikings playing in a blizzard, Marshall Faulk let loose the following line:

"This definitely plays in favor of the Vikings, because they're more familiar with this kind of weather. Remember, the Vikings played in a snowstorm last week, the first outdoor game in Minnesota in 23 years."

So, to recap, a team which lost by four touchdowns in their first home outdoor game since Ronald Reagan was president is more equipped to handle bad weather than an Eagles team which plays multiple outdoor home games every winter. Makes perfect sense to me.

The spectacular sports blog The700Level is running a poll right now to pick the most shocking moment in Philadelphia sports for 2010. Here's what their candidates are:

** The Eagles trade Donovan McNabb within the division.
** The Flyers come back from 0-3 down in the playoffs to beat the Bruins in seven.
** The Eagles name Mike Vick their starter.
** The Phillies sign Cliff Lee.
** The Eagles score four TDs in the last 9 minutes to beat the Giants.

While that's a great list, here's what that leaves off:

** Roy Halladay pitches a perfect game.
** The Sixers get the number two pick in the NBA draft.
** Roy Halladay pitches the second no-hitter in MLB playoff history.
** The Eagles score 45 points in the first half against the Maryland Racial Slurs.
** Jayson Werth signs with the Washington Natinals.

And, of course, there's the not-necessarily-shocking but still-notable events:

** The Flyers reach the Stanley Cup finals.
** The Philadelphia Union plays its inaugural season.
** The Phillies reach their third straight NLCS.
** Roy Halladay wins the Cy Young by unanimous vote.
** The Eagles win the NFC East division title.

Yeah, that all happened this year.

Around this time of year I always hear the same thing (or, I would if anyone were still reading these recaps): How do you come up with all those anagrams?

Every year I try to explain to you folks that I'm not making this stuff up. If you look hard enough, the vile blackness that lies in the soul of every cowboys player easily emerges from the letters in their name. And if you still don't believe that, you can ask the players themselves:

Dallas Cowboys Right Guard Montrae Holland
** Lo, anagrams hold truth. Clownboys lag, I dread.

I ask you, what further proof do you need?

Click on the image below to make it bigger:

We've never had a closer race than this, folks. I've grabbed the lead in the penultimate week of the season, but I'm ahead of ChampMike and Bobert by about a TD. What will the final week bring? Bob's first Awesome Cup championship? My second? ChampMike's third?

Just a few more days and we'll know.

** The Saints big win on Monday night kept the Eagles' hope of home-field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs alive and gave me a one-game edge on Dad in our weekly picks going into the final slate of the season. Much like the fantasy season, it all comes down to one more week...

** Fantasy playoff challenge? Anyone? Anyone?

** By the way, the Eagles game on NBC was also "a special Tuesday night edition of Sunday Night Football." Somebody shoot me. At least they skipped that dreadful intro song.

** And for all the pundits who got excited about professional football being played on a Tuesday for the first time since the 1940s, I have bad news: Professional football is played almost every Tuesday during the fall. It's just called "college football." There was already a bowl game scheduled for last Tuesday. Get over it.

2010 fantasy recap, week 15

Items going through the mind of Giants punter Matt Dodge in the waning seconds of the Eagles' comeback win in New Jersey on Sunday:

** Coach said not to kick it to DeSean Jackson, but maybe that was reverse psychology.

** You know, if he scores a TD we'll probably be home before dark.

** There are 10 other guys out here -- one of them just has to be close enough to grab him.

** I wonder if that Redskins punting job is still open.

** Ahh, crap.

QB: Mike Vick, 44.68 pts – sitting on my bench
RB: Ray Rice, 37.63 pts – started by Joel
WR: Vincent Jackson, 30.47 pts – started by Dad
TE: Jason Witten, 25.33 pts – started by NewMike
K: Robbie Gould, 16.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Chicago, 23.00 pts – started by Jo
D: Drew Coleman, 12.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Over the last six weeks, I’ve cost myself roughly 60 pts through incorrect calls with my two QBs, Vick and Tom Brady. At this point, I’m starting about starting one and putting money down on the other, because it seems like a sure way to profit from my lack of prognosticating skills.

By the way, a quick review of the league records shows that Heidi hasn’t had a top performer since week 5, the longest stretch of any team. That’s poor coaching right there. She needs to step up and tell Maurice Jones-Drew to be a hero out there next week.

"People on Anthony's team" edition
2nd Place (tie): Joseph Addai, 0.00 pts -- started by Ant
2nd Place (tie): San Francisco, 0.00 pts -- sitting on Ant
1st Place: Matt Hasselbeck, -2.76 pts -- sitting on Ant

In fairness, Addai was hurt and did not play, but since Anthony started him I thought I should include him. Hasselbeck had an impressive 28.9 rating (10 points worse than you) after two picks and an interception. San Francisco just kind of sucked.

Statistics of note from football this week

1 -- Number of times an NFL game has ended on a game-winning punt-return TD, now that the Eagles have done it.
1 -- Number of consecutive starts by Vikings QB Brett Farve, tying him for 32nd in the league.
1 -- Number of road wins by the Lions in their last 27 road games, a span of more than three years.
1 -- Number of TDs, rushing and receiving, scored by Saints RB Reggie Bush this season.
1 -- Number of playoff wins by the Cowboys in the last 14 years.

From Redskins QB Donovan McNabb, on whether he'd like to return to the Maryland Racial Slurs, a team which just demoted him to the third-string because they think washout QB Rex Grossman gives them a better future:

"I want to be here. I really do. ...I don't believe in starting something and not finishing."

Dude, take a hint.

Here's a look at what fans from a handful of the top sports cities are hoping to get for Christmas:

** New York: A new punter for the Giants.
** San Diego: Some decent weather for a change.
** Detroit: Brett Farve. Hey, at least you'd watch then.
** Tampa: A little respect would be nice.
** New England: Randy Moss. It's be the perfect gag gift.
** Buffalo: Snow shovels. For the love of gawd, more snow shovels.
** Washington: Another $100 million contract to ride the bench.
** Philadelphia: Quit whining. You already got Cliff Lee.

It's been a long, rough season for those poor Cowboys, who'll have to watch some other team play the Super Bowl in that temple of decadence that Jerry Jones built. Does that wear on players this time of year? Just take a look:

Dallas Cowboys right inside linebacker Kenwin Cummings
** Cry, babies. Two more glum, crabby weeks inching in. Sad calls in kind.

Yeah, I feel really bad for them.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Bobert is desperately trying to hold on, but he has two Awesome Cup champions ahead of him and another on his heels. Like Aaron Rodgers, his championship dreams are blurry and dazed, but not totally dark yet.

Meanwhile, everyone else is playing for fifth place. Consider yourselves the Houston Texans.

** Dad picked up another game, leaving us tied for the season in our weekly picks contest. This is the closest either of us can remember the picks being in years. My prediction? It'll come down to a last-second punt return for a TD. Nobody will see it coming.

** So, the Phillies sign Cliff Lee away from the Yankees, the Flyers thump the Rangers, and the Eagles rip out the hearts of the Giants, all in the span of less than a week. Next week, the Statue of Liberty is relocated to Penn's Landing and the Dow Jones Industrial Average is bought by Tony Luke's.

** If the Eagles win next week, or the Giants lose, the Eagles are in the playoffs. If the Cowboys win next week, it totally doesn't matter at all.

2010 fantasy recap, week 14

Let me get this straight.

The Philadelphia Phillies, the only professional sports team with 10,000 losses, a team that five years ago had to beg pitcher Adam Eaton to play for them, last year traded away the second-best pitcher in baseball (Cliff Lee) in a controversial and emotional move get the best pitcher in baseball (Roy Halladay), only to see Lee come back one-year later and give the Phils a discount so that he could play here instead of with the New York Yankees, the winningest franchise in all of professional sports.

Oh my gawd, I was killed in some sort of baseball-related accident, wasn't I? And this is heaven? Is Brian Dawkins on the Phillies now too?

QB: Matt Schaub, 32.52 pts -- sitting on Paul's bench
RB: Darren McFadden, 39.03 pts -- started by Jim
WR: Andre Johnson, 30.33 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Jason Whitten, 23.60 pts -- sitting on NewMike's bench
K: Jay Feely, 30.00 pts -- sitting on the waiver wire
DEF: Pittsburgh, 27.00 pts -- started by Jeff
D: LaMarr Woodley, 15.00 pts -- sitting on the wire

Just to cover that amazing Jay Feely line a little closer: He kicked five FGs, four extra points, recorded a tackle and scored on a five-yard TD run on a trick play in the second quarter. And after that TD run? Yeah, he kicked the extra point for that too.

"QBs name Kyle" edition
3rd Place: Kyle Boller, 0.50 pts -- sitting on the wire
2nd Place: Jake Delhomme, -0.56 pts -- sitting on the wire
1st Place: Kyle Orton, -0.86 pts -- started by Heidi

At least Boller has the excuse that he was a temporary fill-in as the Raiders' backup QB -- Both Orton and Delhomme were the starters in their game, and just played dreadful.

Orton, who has 20 TDs and is on pace for a 4,000-yard passing season, has thrown no TDs in his last two games against three picks. And he hasn't passed for 300 yard combined in those two losses. And Tim Tebow is his backup, so it's not like anyone wants to see Orton play in the first place. Rough end of the season for him.

Every so often I like to remind myself how important good coaching is in this league. As an experiment, I recently popped in the very realistic Madden 2003 into my PS2 and played a full regular season with a randomly drafted set of players, insuring that every team is about the same skill level.

So, with coaching as the only real variable in the video game, here's a look at how my team performed under my creative play calling, proper clock management and general excellence:

** Team finished 16-0, averaging 100.3 points scored and 11.1 points allowed a game.
** QB Aaron Brooks passed for 5,721 yards and 80 TDs against 4 INTs.
** Backup QB Rob Johnson passed for 2,473 yards and 35 TDs against no INTs.
** RB Ricky Williams rushed for 3,178 yards and 75 TDs. He also caught 53 passes for 1,004 yards and 15 TDs.
** TE Chad Lewis caught 80 passes for 1,928 yards and 28 TDs, and was the team's-second leading receiver.
** The team was plus-31 in turnovers, with 14 defensive TDs, and allowed under 14 yards rushing a game.
** HB Brian Mitchell had 6 punt returns for TDs and 4 kickoff returns for TDs.
** K David Akers was 1 for 2 on FGs for the year, with 98 extra points converted.

All I'm saying is I'm available any nights or weekends to help Andy Reid figure out how to use timeouts properly.

During the Brett Farve eulogies on ESPN Monday night, two comments stood out above all the other nonsense.

First, Stuart Scott noted that when Farve's consecutive games streak started in 1992, "the number one song in the country was Boyz 2 Men's 'End of the Road.' How appropriate is that?"

Then, Chris Berman noted that Farve's consecutive game streak would end against the New York Giants, "and Orioles SS Cal Ripken ended his consecutive starts streak against the New York Yankees. How ironic is that?"

The answer to both those questions? Not at all. It's barely even interesting.

How the Eagles can miss the playoffs with an 11-5 record:

** The Eagles lose next week to the Giants, but win their final two games.
** New York wins their last three.
** Tampa Bay wins their last three.
** New Orleans wins two of its last three, but loses to the Bucs.

Then, the Giants (12-4) would win the NFC East (better record). The Saints (12-4) would be the top wild card team. The Bucs (11-5) would be the #6 seed, winning the tiebreaker over the Eagles (better NFC record).

An 11-5 team has only missed the playoffs twice in NFL history: the Broncos in 1985, and the Patriots in 2008. During Sunday's Eagles win over the Cowpokes, NBC commentator Chris Collinsworth said Dallas K David Buehler is a great young player with a lot of kicking power. "His only problem is accuracy."

As a football genius, I can tell you that there are only two real phases to kicking in the NFL: getting the ball to go far, and getting the ball to go straight. If you can't do one of the two, you're only doing half of your job. Currently Buehler is ranked 32nd in the league among kickers in FG accuracy, 26th among kickers with at least 10 attempts. That's not good.

But Collinsworth could have just looked at Buehler's name and seen clearly that it spells out failure:

Dallas Cowboys Kicker David Buehler
** Crabby lad: I suck, have eroded skill. Ow.

See? He's not accurate and not a good kicker.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Bobert becomes the first person to break the 1900-pts mark, but check out that grouping at the top -- Another big week by me puts my team fewer than 24 points off of first place. It's still anyone's game.

** Dad picked up another game this week, so he trails by just a single tally with three weeks left in the season. It's the closest we've been in the weekly picks in years. One small screw-up and an entire year's bragging rights goes down the drain. Of course, since I'm beating him so handily in the fantasy league standings, I'll probably survive either way.

** So the Eagles beat the Cowboys on Sunday, the Phillies sign Cliff Lee late Monday, the Flyers end the Penguins' win streak on Tuesday. Can the Sixers cure cancer on Wednesday? Can the Philadelphia Union sign Jesus on Thursday? Gotta keep the good week going.

** Best part of the Cliff Lee signing? I can wear my Cliff Lee Phillies T-shirt again without any bad feelings. I knew there was a reason I never returned it.

2010 fantasy recap, week 13

The Cowboys can still make the playoffs if the following things happen:

** The Cowboys (4-8) win their remaining four games
** The Eagles (8-4) lose their remaining four games.
** The Green Bay Packers (8-4) are disbanded by a bankruptcy court before Christmas, or
** The Green Bay Packers are all sentenced to prison for crimes against humanity.

Then, at 8-8, the Cowboys would win the tiebreaker with the Eagles for the sixth and final playoff spot (because they’d lose a tiebreaker with the Packers).

Please note: There are no actual scenarios where the Cowboys can reach the playoffs. And that’s despite ways for the 3-9 Cardinals and 5-7 Vikings to still make the post-season.

Sucks to be Dallas.

QB: Tom Brady, 37.82 pts -- sitting on my bench
RB: LeSean McCoy, 30.13 pts -- started by me
WR: Reggie Wayne, 33.83 pts -- started by Ant
TE: Ben Watson, 22.67 pts -- sitting on NewMike's bench
K: Josh Brown, 16.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
DEF: New York Giants, 22.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
D: Sean Lee, 13.00 pts -- sitting on the wire

If you had started all of the top performers this week, you would have posted at least 176 pts. But you didn't. For shame.

"No-name QBs" edition
3rd Place: Matt Flynn, -0.20 pts -- sitting on the wire
2nd Place: Max Hall, -1.60 pts -- sitting on the wire
1st Place: Brett Favre, -2.00 pts -- sitting on Jeff's bench

The legendary Brett Farve not only had the worst day of his career on Sunday, he had the worst day of ANY QB EVER. Farve threw one pass, had it picked off and was knocked out of the game with an injury. He ended the day with a 0.0 rating. Let's briefly recap how the QB ratings work:

1 for 1, 15 yards, 1 TD = 158.3 (perfect rating)
1 for 1, 15 yards, 0 TD = 118.7
1 for 1, 1 yard, 0 TD = 79.1
0 for 1, 0 yards, 0 TD = 39.6
0 for 0, 0 yards, 1 INT = 0.0 (lowest possible rating)

When you had a worse day than Max Hall, you know you done poor.

This week Eagles K David Akers set a new franchise record for game played, appearing in his 184th contest (breaking the 183-games record held by S Brian Dawkins). Here’s a quick look at some of the other franchise records Akers holds:

** Career points scored: 897
** Season points scored: 144
** Consecutive playoff FGs: 19 (NFL record)
** Career tackles by a kicker: 19
** Career rushing yards by a kicker: 25
** Career completion percentage: 100
** Career FG made with a ruptured hamstring: 1
** Karate black belts, which means he could kick a LB’s ass: 1
** Detmers elevated to cult hero status: 1

Akers is currently the longest-tenured Philadelphia professional athlete – he made his debut with the Eagles two weeks before Phillies SS Jimmy Rollins appeared in his first game.

During overtime of the Cowboys/Colts game Sunday afternoon, Fox analyst Troy Aikman noted that the Dallas defense had surrendered leads in the final minute of regulation two weeks in a row. Play-by-play guy Joe Buck (whose head is shaped funny) responded by adding, "I think the poor play of the defense more than any other reason lead to the firing of Wade Phillips."

And that might be true. But Phillips was fired more than a month ago, well before those two defensive meltdowns. So it just seems a little unfair to blame him for lethargic defensive play calling when all he can do is yell at the TV like the rest of us.

In the last two games, Peyton Manning has thrown eight TD passes. Unfortunately for Indy fans, only half of them were to Colts receivers. The other four were to opposing defenses, as part of the 11 interceptions he's tossed during the team's three-game losing streak.

What's the reason for his sudden fall from grace? Here are the most likely possibilities:

** The Colts had 16 players injured this week, including most of their RBs.
** He hasn't thrown 20-plus INTs in nearly a decade, so he was due for some bad games.
** He's really, really sick of living in Indiana.
** Matt Millen said he was the best QB in the league, and everything that idiot says is wrong.
** He has actually been replaced with his brother, Eli.

The Eagles and Cowboys square off for the first time this season next Sunday, in a rivalry that's lost some of its luster because Dallas just stinks. But, do the Cowboys rookie players think it's just another game? Let's look closer at the name of t one of their newest offensive linemen to find out:

Dallas Cowboys new left guard Phil Costa
** No typo, clad fact: Eagles will bash us. Word.

Wait, hold on, I'm just receiving word that the Cowboys have shifted Costa from the guard spot over to center. Think that'll change his mind?

Dallas Cowboys new backup center Phil Costa
** Bow once: Philly scares us. We can't adapt, block.

I guess not.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Bobert is back on top, but who knows for how long?

I do. Two weeks. Then he drops back into second again.

** Dad and I split our picks again, and I remain plus two for the year. This season’s picks have been about as exciting as the actual NFL: completely random, and too focused on Brett Favre and the Manning brothers. Maybe one of us can stage some late-season excitement.

** Best of luck to former Phillies OF Jayson Werth, who signed a seven-year, $126 million deal with the Washington Natinals this weekend. I’m sure Donovan McNabb, Jeramiah Trotter, Mike Knuble and Eric Bruntlett can all tell you the DC area does wonderful things for your sports career.

** If anyone is looking for a job, I just heard about an exciting opportunity to work with Brian Dawkins out in Denver

** By the way, if you heard this story about an imposter Capt. Awesome, don't worry. He will face justice one day.