2009 fantasy recap, week #7

With the World Series just hours away, here’s a closer look at some of the members of the 2009 New York Yankees:

** SS Derek Jeter – Widely considered the greatest Yankee of the last four decades, Jeter sits behind career role players like Julio Franco, Rabbit Maranville and Steve Finley on the all-time hits list.
** OF Johnny Damon – He is the first caveman ever to appear in the World Series with two different teams.
** 3B Alex Rodriguez – A well-known drug user, adulterer, and pathological liar whose teams were a combined 15-22 in the playoffs coming into this postseason.
** DH Hideki Matsui – He is Japanese.
** P Carsten Charles Sabathia – This 290-pound “athlete” cost the Yankees more than $4,260 per pitch this year. The 18 home runs he surrendered cost the Yankees over $75,000.

Can’t wait to see them up close.

QB: Carson Palmer, 39.32 pts – started by Jim
RB: Ricky Williams, 28.80 pts – started by Neal
WR: Chad Ochocinco, 29.87 pts – started by Jim
TE: Vernon Davis, 31.20 pts – started by Jim
K: Nick Folk, 14.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: New York Jets, 26.00 pts – started by Champ Mike
D: Will Witherspoon, 15.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Thanks for letting the rest of us play this week, Jim – Three top performers, plus the #3 WR on the week (DeSean Jackson, with 25.92 pts) gave him a 180-plus week.

In other news, welcome to the team, Will Witherspoon. Nothing like starting your Eagles career with a sack, a forced fumble, an interception and a defensive TD.

** The Rams are on pace to score 138 pts this year (60 through seven games). For comparison, 16 teams have already scored more than that in the first seven weeks.

** 49ers QB Alex Smith threw three TDs in the second half alone of Sunday's loss, his first action of the season. He is now on pace to throw 60 more TD passes in San Francisco’s final 10 games.

** Eagles QB Mike Vick is on pace to pass for 16 yds this year (6 yds through six games) and rush for another 59 yds (22 yds so far). For comparison, Chiefs WR Mark Bradley has already passed for 26 yards and rushed for 20 … and collected 177 receiving yards.

** Bills WR Terrell Owens is on pace to collect 554 receiving yds this season (242 yds through seven games). For comparison, six other wideouts had already passed 560 yds at the end of this weekend.

** Cowboys QB Tony Romo is still on pace to choke again in December.

3rd place – Arnaz Battle, -1.50 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place – Jamarcus Russell, -3.56 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place – Chicago, -6.00 pts – started by Neal

Russell on Sunday passed for 61 yards, threw two INTs and fumbled once. In Oakland’s five losses, he’s amassed 721 yards, 1 TD and 11 turnovers. Of course, last week against the Eagles he threw for a season-high 224 yards and 1 TD. So, yeah… still angry about that.

On a happier note, Neal’s defense posted the lowest possible score this week – 45 points allowed, no sacks or turnovers. Neal started two players on a bye this week and three others who have yet to appear in a game, but someone all five of them outscored his defense by six points. That’s tough to do.

With the New York Giants first visit to Philly just days away, here’s a closer look at their team too:

** LB Antonio Pierce – Aided and abetted a known felon who fired off a handgun in a crowded New York nightclub, but faced no discipline from the team for his actions.
** WR Steve Smith – He’s the second best wide receiver named Steve Smith in the NFL, behind WR Steve Smith.
** RG Chris Snee – Drafted by the Giants in 2004, Snee is the son-in-law of Tom Coughlin, coach of the team. Those two facts are totally not connected, though.
** FB Madison Hedgecock – Hedgecock was unloved by his parents, hence his name.
** QB Eli Manning – Manning is the third-best QB in his family but the best Dopey Dwarf model of the entire Manning clan.

Can’t wait to see them again.

I still haven’t gotten a sufficient explanation why ESPN employs Matt Millen as an NFL analyst. The man was the GM behind the 0-16 Detroit Lions, the worst team in professional football history. In his first three years in Detroit the Lions went 0-24 on the road. The Lions won fewer than 30 percent of their games while he was with the team.

Clearly, this man knows nothing about football. And yet, before the Monday night football game, with Millen on hand as an NFL expert, analyst Stuart Scott asked him to explain whether the Eagles were legitimate playoff contenders or pretenders.

“Good question,” Millen said. “I think the answer is both.”

No, Matt, it can’t be both. Either you’ll make the playoffs, or you won’t. Teams don’t miss the playoffs and then get to play post-season games anyway. You have to pick one.

Millen went on to say that “when the Eagles are not playing well, they become less of a contender.” He said something after that, but honestly after that all I could hear for a few hours was a loud buzzing noise.

I make fun of the Cowboys players a lot here, but I understand that Dallas’ soulless paid employees are simply doing a job to earn a paycheck (a vile, disgusting job, but a job nonetheless). The folks that really upset me are the fans, especially the ones who go out of their way to support a despicable team dedicated to the destruction of all things good.

Take, for instance, the cheerleaders. Who would sign up to support a team full of baby-eaters and father-stabbers? It baffled to me, until I saw three-year cheerleader Tobie Kay Pervical and realized that the answer was as plain as the cutesy letters in her name:

Dallas Cheerleader Tobie Percival
--- I heart evil, crap-deedle caballeros ---

I know you think you sound smart, Tobie. But using the Spanish word for cowboys (caballeros) doesn’t prove anything if you use the made-up word “crap-deedle” before it. And no matter what language it is you still heart evil … just like all Cowboys fans.

Click on the picture to make it bigger.

Another week, another new name up top. New guy, Dad and Heidi are still lurking, but Paul opened up a decent lead this week.

He also managed to pass me in waiver wire moves too – in just seven weeks, he’s already rearranged his roster 24 times. There are only 18 roster spots on our teams, so at his current rate he’ll dump his entire slate of players nearly three times by the end of the season. In fairness, the St. Louis Rams should probably consider the same strategy.

** Dad dropped to eight back in the weekly picks; He hasn’t beat me for a single week this year. On the flip side, I’m doing terrible in fantasy this year. Maybe if he’s start winning in our picks again I’d start winning with my fantasy teams.

** For what it’s worth, in my current NFL season on the PS2 the Eagles are 7-0, scoring 546 pts and allowing only 16. In my last game the Eagles beat the Bucs 91-0, and my strong safety wasn’t player of the game despite four INTs and three defensive TDs (because my defensive ends combined for 25 sacks). And Andy Reid does not call any plays for my team. Draw your own conclusions.

** This week ESPN’s Mike Greenberg called the Steelers/Vikings game from Sunday “one of the most exciting finishes in the history of the NFL.” The last eight minutes featured three turnovers, two 70-plus-yrd defensive TDs, and a 101-yrd kickoff return for a TD. Very exciting, and I wouldn’t rate it among the best 100 games I’ve seen in my life. Really, one of the most exciting in history? C’mon.

** If Second Lady Jill Biden shows up at tomorrow night’s World Series game in New York wearing a Phillies hat (she grew up in Willow Grove), I swear I’ll vote democrat in next week’s city council elections. (For the record, I believe the candidates in the local election are unopposed, and there are no Republicans in Maryland.)

Not done yet, boys

But you are the first Phils team ever to go to back-to-back World Series.

So drink it up, for the moment.

2009 fantasy recap, week #6

So how closely have you been watching the NLCS? Haven't missed a second? Prove it by answering these questions about the incessant, unbearable commercials on TBS.

1. Match the song with the product: Yes, "I've seen all good people"
Blackberry Direct TV T-Mobile
TBS sports Chase Bank


2. Match the song with the product: Cat Stevens, "If you want to sing out"
Blackberry Direct TV T-Mobile
TBS sports Chase Bank


3. Match the song with the product: Beatles, "All you need is love"
Blackberry Direct TV T-Mobile
TBS sports Chase Bank


4. Match the song with the product: Black Eyed Peas, "Meet me halfway"
Blackberry Direct TV T-Mobile
TBS sports Chase Bank


5. Match the song with the product: Bon Jovi, "We weren't born to follow"
Blackberry Direct TV T-Mobile
TBS sports Chase Bank


6. Complete this sentence: Don't throw a gameday party without ...
McDonalds avocados TBS
salsa Donald Trump


7. Complete this sentence: Black dress, black eye, black sheep, ...
black angus black coffee black taco
black attack black Doritos


8. Which of these actors does not star in "Men of a Certain Age"?
Ray Romano
George Lopez
Andre Braugher
Scott Bakula
They all star in that stupid show

Anything less than a five on this quiz, and you're either lying about watching the games or you've been taking a lot of bathroom breaks during commercials. Either way, I envy you.

QB: Tom Brady, 51.20 pts – started by NewMike
RB: Ray Rice, 37.50 pts – started by Joel
WR: Randy Moss, 34.60 pts – started by me
TE: Owen Daniels, 24.20 pts – started by Paul
K: Ryan Longwell, 16.00 pts – started by Heidi
DEF: Green Bay, 26.00 pts – started by Joel
D: Leonard Little, 13.00 pts – sitting on the wire

First time this year we’ve had six of the seven top performers started in the league – can we go for seven next week?

And for the record, Brady collected more than 32 fantasy pts in the second quarter Sunday alone (200+ passing yards, 5 TDs) which was better than all but two other QBs had on the week.

Let’s face it – you’re never going to have a day in the NFL like Patriots QB Tom Brady did on Sunday (6 TDs, 152.8 rating) or Saints QB Drew Brees (4 TDs, 156.8 rating). But if you walked outside on Sunday and dropped a football on the ground, then you recorded a 39.5 QB rating (1 pass attempt, 0 completions) which was better than four starting NFL signal callers did. Here’s what you would have to do to be worse at quarterbacking than these guys were:

Seahawks Matt Hasselbeck: 10 of 29, 112 yds, 1 INT (32.5 rating)
How you could be worse: Interceptions are the key here, as they drive down your rating. So instead of heading out back and throwing the ball into the ground, throw it up on the roof and get it stuck there – losing your football counts as an INT, right? It’ll probably take you 20 tries, but that would earn you a 18.8 rating (20 attempts, 0 completions, 1 INT).

Lions Daunte Culpepper: 6 of 14, 48 yds, 1 INT (22.3 rating)
How you could be worse: This time, head out front and just start throwing your football into traffic. If you can thread the needle and lose your ball into the open window of a passing car just once in 15 tries, you’d earn a 11.8 rating (15 attempts, 0 completions, 1 INT).

Jets Mark Sanchez: 10 of 29, 119 yds, 5 INT (8.3 rating)
How you could be worse: Walk out back, head over to your grill and just light the football on fire. That’s a perfect 0.0 QB rating (1 attempt, 0 completions, 1 INT). Of course, if you really wanted to be as bad as Sanchez was you’d need a six-pack of footballs and a few more grills.

Titans Kerry Collins: 2 of 12, -7 yards, 1 INT (4.9 rating)
How you could be worse: The key here is not just the rating but the negative yardage – it’s near impossible to be that bad. In fact, I defy you to find a way to be this bad. The only idea for comparison I had involved inviting a neighbor over for a game of catch and having a section of your yard collapse into the ground during an earthquake, but even that seems less terrible than Collins’ line.

Backup QBs edition
3rd place – Mike Vick, -0.40 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place – Drew Stanton, -1.72 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place – Vince Young, -2.10 pts – sitting on the wire

Starters weren’t the only disappointments this week; Stanton and Young came in for mop-up duty and sucked mightily. Vick only appeared for one play on Sunday, a rush for -4 yds. That was still one more play than anyone wanted to see him for.

I know we’ve been over this many, many times before. But until Andy Reid learns, there isn’t anything I can do but keep yelling into the hurricane and hope that it makes a difference.

On Sunday, Brian Westbrook had six rushes for 50 yards, a 8.3-yrd average. He had nine catches for 91 yards, a 10.1-yrd average. And he had three touches in the fourth quarter, when the game really mattered.

Because when it comes down to it, Andy Reid does not understand that Brian Westbrook is his best player, and that professional NFL teams need both a running game and passing game. He dialed up 54 pass plays and 12 running plays (one for Vick!) in that embarrassing loss. Reid is now 3-6-1 in his last six AFC road games.

What’s that Einstein quote? “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” That’s the Andy Reid coaching style, ladies and gentlemen.

That would be Donovan McNabb, who said “timeout” at the end of the first half when his team had none left. That was idiotic.

Honorable mention goes to Maryland Racial Slurs radio color commentator Sonny Jurgensen, who had his own turd of a game to watch on Sunday. In the third quarter of the DC team's loss to Kansas City, the Chiefs lined up to go for it at midfield facing a 4th and 10.

The other commentators questioned the call, but Jurgensen calmly explained that “The Chiefs are just trying to draw them offsides, to get the first down.” When someone explained to him that an offsides penalty is only five yards, Jurgensen said he didn’t agree with the strategy either.

Jurgensen didn’t say later on if he agreed with the home team’s decision to get tackled in the end-zone for a game-losing safety, but I imagine someone with a sharp football mind like that would not back the strategy.

When it comes to the NFL draft, the Cowboys are just like any other team. Sometimes they draft for need, sometimes they draft the best available player. Unlike other teams, sometimes they draft for pure evil. Take their new kickoff specialist David Buehler; why did they choose him this past spring? Just look at his name and you’ll see why:

Dallas Cowboys Place Kicker David Buehler
-- A bad place: I’ve killed boys w/ ardor, chuckles --

Granted, he has a better vocabulary than most Cowboys (let’s see Romo use "ardor" in a sentence) but that doesn’t make him any less evil.

Click on the picture to make it bigger.
Good week by all (by which, I mean good week for me and screw the rest of you) except for Neal, who still has yet to get one point from a kicker or defensive player. Those three positions average around 15 pts a week for everyone else’s team; By my count, he has cost himself approximately 90 pts in the standings with his innovative strategy.

And yet, it still seems like a better game plan than passing 17 times in the last 19 offensive plays of a game, Coach Reid. Don’t you just accidentally call a running play once in a while, or are there really none on that chart?

** Dad dropped to seven back in the weekly picks, and at least three of those are because he continues to pick against the Saints. I think it’s also because he’s got no jazz in him anymore.

** I’m sure you saw it everywhere this weekend, but the Phils outscored the Eagles 11-9 on Sunday. That’s either terrible or awesome, depending on your perspective. Since I’m a huge Phillies and Broncos fan, I think it’s awesome.

** In case you couldn’t figure it out on your own, the quiz answers are (no cheating!):

-- Chase, T-Mobile, Blackberry, Direct TV, TBS. Don’t throw a gameday party without avocados. Black eye, black sheep, black taco. And George Lopez has his own stupid show, not that one.

I’ve seen those commercials so many times they’re starting to come through in my dreams. After these playoffs are over I never want to hear about Ray Romano’s bowel movements again.

** Before you ask, of course I was wearing my Jimmy Rollins T-shirt when Jimmy hit that game-winning double last night; I switched out of the playoff shirt as soon as he came up to the plate. I told you last week: “Verdict: Keep it off, but nearby for a late Rollins at bat.” (see below if you don't know what I'm talking about).

Did the T-shirt provide that extra oomph that got the ball all the way to the back fence? I can’t say for sure. Will I be keeping that T-shirt nearby throughout the rest of the post-season? Of course.

2009 fantasy recap, week #5

Here’s my fashion schedule for the baseball postseason:

The Chase Utley T-shirt
This goes on at the start of games, and usually means good things for the Phillies offense. However, it has mixed results with Phillies pitching, and was present in DC for one of Cliff Lee’s worst outings of the year.
Verdict: Acceptable to wear during early innings.

The Jimmy Rollins T-shirt
Jimmy actually plays better when I wear his number, but it doesn’t transfer over to anyone else in the lineup. It also is a size too large and makes me look like I’m wearing Matt Stairs’ clothes.
Verdict: Keep it off, but nearby for a late Rollins at bat.

The 2008 WFC T-shirt
This is the Cliff Lee shirt; It reminds him that he doesn’t have a ring yet, and he’ll need to buckle down to earn one. So far he’s got a 1.65 ERA with me wearing it. Unfortunately, it does nothing for Cole Hamels.
Verdict: A must-wear for the Cy Young winner’s games

The Eagles T-shirt
This item has no Phillies in it, and repeated washings have not gotten the Mike Vick smell out.
Verdict: Banned from the same room as a Phillies game.

The playoff shirt
My red Philadelphia 76ers shirt – On the front, it has “It’s a Philly thing” in a large, flowery font. It’s so ugly, I won’t wear it out of the house. But it’s the shirt I wore for the clinching game of all three post-season series last year.
Verdict: I’ve changed into it midway through the last two games, both come from behind wins.

You may think all of this is amusing, but I assure you I’m not kidding. When Lidge came into the game last night, I ran across the house and grabbed the playoff shirt before he could throw a pitch. Nearly broke my neck, but it saved the game.

QB: Matt Hasselbeck, 35.94 pts – sitting on Jim’s bench
RB: Michael Turner, 27.70 pts – started by Jeff
WR: Miles Austin, 39.15 pts – sitting on the wire
TE: Kellen Winslow, 27.80 pts – started by Joel
K: Lawrence Tynes, 14.00 pts – started by Dad
DEF: Seattle, 30.00 pts – started by Jeff
D: Ed Reed, 13.50 pts – sitting on my bench

Still not listed among the top performers: T.O. I’m just saying…

“Starting” Quarterbacks edition
3rd place: Seneca Wallace, -0.30 pts – started by me
2nd place: Derek Anderson, -0.88pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: JaMarcus Russell, -1.50 pts – sitting on the wire

I say “starting” QBs because Yahoo told me that Seneca Wallace was starting this week, so I picked him up off waivers and dropped him into my lineup. Imagine how excited I was when I saw that Seattle had put up 41 pts in their win over the Jaguars … and how furious I was when I saw that Hasselbeck had thrown 4 TDs in his first game back.

A glitch in Yahoo also kept me from picking up two WRs Sunday night (have fun with Maclin and Austin Collie, latecomers!), so whoever behind the scenes at Yahoo is screwing me over gets the “Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week” award. You’ll see how much that hurt me in the standings later on.

Don’t know how closely you were watching that Broncos/Patriots game on Sunday, but about midway through the game they started running promos for the 60 Minutes episode coming up after the game. Play-by-play announcer Jim Nantz several times teased their lead report this way:

What is the most dangerous sport in the world? How about jumping off a cliff and waving your arms like a bird?

I didn’t see the report, so all day Monday I had a Lewis Black “If it weren’t for my horse” episode in my head. Is that a sport? Is it a separate from cliff diving, where they don’t act like a bird? If we’re just making stuff up, wouldn’t napalm juggling be more dangerous? Are those two sentences even connected? Was Jim Nantz just bored?

Naturally, I did the only logical thing: I went up to the roof and jumped off, to see if I could win a gold medal. It took me 20 hours to type this recap up with my broken arms.

Rocktober.

A few faces on the Dodgers have changed from last year, and a few of the old enemies are still there. Here’s a quick primer:

P Randy Wolf – This former Phillie is in his second stint with the California Yankees, but wasn’t with them for their abbreviated playoff run last year. Still, chances of the Wolf Pack re-appearing at Citizens Bank Park are only 5 percent.

PH Jim Thome – This former Phillie will be the basis of at least three different features titled “Did the Phillies make the right choice letting him go?” The answer is an obvious yes, but they’ll debate it anyway.

P Vincente Padilla – This former Phillie (for the love of gawd, do they have any of their own players) has been a critical late-season add for the Dodgers. Chances of the Padilla Flotilla re-appearing at Citizens Bank Park are only 2 percent.

LF Manny Ramirez – This former star of the “Predator” movies will play in the series, unless MLB decides to drug test the players before game one. (It won’t.)

P Jonathon Broxton – The Dodgers closer blew six saves this year. I’m just taking a wild guess here, but I’m betting that’s not going to be the headline when they talk about these two teams bullpens.

The stinking Cowboys managed to sneak out an overtime win against the dreadful Chiefs this weekend (The Eagles beat the Chiefs 34-14, FYI) and now face the unusual stretch of the Hotlanta Falcons, Seattle Seahawks and Philadelphia Eagles in the next three weeks. What’s odd about that? I’ll let Dallas’ lead RB spell that out for you.

Dallas Cowboys Running back Marion S. Barber
-- Birds alarm us. Bank on balance, wins? No. Go cry, bro. --

So for the next three weeks, we’re all really big birds fans … except for the Cardinals. They can still rot in Phoenix.

Click on the standings to see them larger.

Jeff posted the biggest week so far, posting 173.15 pts thanks to those two top performers. Champ Mike, meanwhile, posted one of the worst weeks ever in this league: A 50.75-pts week that featured only one player in double digits. His bench, for comparison, scored nearly 39 pts.

Neal failed to field a kicker, a defense or any defensive players this week, and started a WR who recorded no points. That’s about the only reason I didn’t fall into last place.

** Dad dropped another game in our standings solely because KC didn’t pull out that upset over the Cowboys. So he gets props for a gutsy call, but that still leaves him six games down just five weeks into the season.

** Browns QB Derek Anderson was 2 for 17 for 23 yards and one INT, posting a miserable 15.1 QB rating. Remember, just going outside and throwing a ball into the ground is a 39.5 QB rating. Anderson was two and a half times worse than that. Naturally, the Browns won that game, 6-3.

** I had planned a whole big section on the Maryland Racial Slurs losing to the Panthers, but nothing I could come up with was funnier than the Washington Post this morning: Taking the Giants out of the mix, the Racial Slurs four other opponents are 2-22 on the year. And those two wins are against the Maryland team.

** If the Dodgers get by the Phils, and the Yankees beat up the Angels, then the World Series will be Joe Torre vs his old team. You think the Brett Favre/Packers battle coverage was bad on ESPN? That would be 20 times worse. The Phils are playing for the sanity of baseball fans everywhere.

2009 fantasy recap, week #4

This week’s NFL slate featured the comeback that everyone – everyone! – has been fearing for the last two years. It was a beloved hero seemingly turning on his back on his loyal fans. It was a record-setting QB who felt shunned by the franchise he loved and forced into enemy territory. It was the ultimate act of traitorism, a modern day Benedict Arnold on the football field.

I’m talking, of course, about Kyle Boller playing in his home state of California against the team he grew up rooting for, the San Francisco 49ers.

As you know before Boller set the record for all-time passing yards for the Baltimore Ravens, he was a stand-out star at William Hart High School in Newhall, Calif., and a hero with the California Golden Bears in college. But the 49ers ignored him in the 2003 draft, ruining his chance of a dream pro career in front of his family and hometown fans.

This weekend, now as a member of the St. Louis Rams, Boller finally had his chance at revenge, but came up just short as the 49ers won 35-0. But Boller’s 108 passing yards and two turnovers were the talk of the NFL, a less-than-triumphant return that divided the nation and left many wondering if it spoiled Boller’s legacy.

Regardless, this kind of on-field drama doesn’t come around often in the NFL, and deserved all the attention it got. It’s just a shame that Boller’s vindication/revenge plotline overshadowed the rest of the league. I think the Vikings QB had some sort of comeback this week too, but you didn’t hear anything about it.

QB: David Garrard, 32.72 pts – started by Champ Mike
RB: Rashard Mendenhall, 32.23 pts – started by Heidi
WR: NY Steve Smith, 31.93 pts – started by New Mike
TE: Antonio Gates, 29.27 pts – started by Heidi
K: Josh Scobee, 15.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: San Francisco, 44.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Jared Allen, 20.00 pts – sitting on the wire

By “sitting on the wire” I of course mean "already picked up by Paul for his team." You snooze, you lose, kids.

And if you had Rashard Mendenall and the other Steve Smith as the top performers of the week, you and I are planning a trip to Vegas.

Special defense edition
3rd place: Ryan Mundy, -1.50 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Tennessee, -2.00 pts – started by Joanna
1st place: Detroit, -4.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Tennessee and Detroit are among the worst defenses of the year (4th and 3rd worst, to be exact). The only ones worse? Carolina, with 17 pts on the year, and St. Louis, with 15 pts in four games.

** Denver is on pace to allow only 104 pts this season (26 pts through four games.) Conversely, St. Louis is only on pace to score 96 pts this season (24 pts through four games).

** Saints S Darren Sharper is on pace for 8 defensive TDs this year, which would be an NFL record. Bills WR Terrell Owens is on pace for just four TDs this year, which would be a record low for him.

** Oakland is on pace to record 1,504 more punting yards than yards of offense on the season (834 offensive yards vs 1,210 punting yards through four games)

** Steelers WR Hines Ward is on pace for 104 catches and 1,420 receiving yards this year (26 catches and 355 yards in four games) … but no TDs.

** Denver RB Correll Buckhalter is on pace to rush for 1,068 yards (267 though four games), or 650 yards more than Eagles RB Brian Westbrook.

On Saturday night ABC analyst Kirk Herbstreit described Florida State as “the USC of college football in the 1990s.”

Kirk Herbstreit, ladies and gentlemen; He’s the Joe Theismann of football analysts.

Eagles regular season wins since 1/1/2007: 19
Phillies regular season wins since 1/1/2007: 274

Eagles division titles since 1/1/2007: 0
Phillies division titles since 1/1/2007: 3

Eagles post-season wins since 1/1/2007: 2
Phillies post-season wins since 1/1/2007: 11

Eagles ties since 1/1/2007: 1
Phillies ties since 1/1/2007: 0

As the Eagles prepare for Tampa Bay and the Phillies prepare for Colorado, remember who really loves you, and who really needs your support this week.

It's the Phils, OK? Do I have to spell everything out for you?

A lot of folks down in Dallas are wondering how the 4-0 Broncos could have upset that vaunted Cowboys offense after they led 10-0 early in the game. And a lot of the blame falls on the shoulders of Cowboys Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett, the man who should have been focused on unraveling Brian Dawkins and that Denver secondary.

But Garrett’s boys seemed distracted all game, and just looking at his name shows why:

Dallas Cowboys Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett
-- I was rooting for Favre (lad can jet!) so Broncos stole day --

Geez, was there anyone who wasn’t sucked in by that stupid Favre-vs-Packers game? C’mon!

Click on the image to see it larger.

Another week, another new leader – this week it’s the newbie, who has been hanging around in second for a while now. Meanwhile, last week’s leader Anthony sets the record for the quickest nose dive out of the top spot, dropping way back into the second-tier of teams.

Neal managed to field almost a whole team this week (he still started an injured WR and an inactive K), so the “Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week” award instead drops to Jim, who started two players on a bye this week -- a bold strategy that ultimately did not work. Honorable mention goes to ARBCWer for life Jeff, who left a player slot open for unknown reasons.

** Bad week for Dad – he dropped three more games, and now sits five behind in our annual battle for pride.

** I'm watching the Tigers-Twins play-in game, and the go-ahead run just got thrown out at home to end the 10th inning. This is too awesome.

** If you look up "respect" in the Google dictionary, it says "not scheduling the two reigning NL champions to ridiculous early afternoon and late evening first-round games so the Yankees can have more exposure." Go ahead, look it up.

2009 fantasy recap, week #3

Pop Quiz: What do these 106 NFL players have in common?

Mike Wallace, Davone Bess, Josh Reed, Andre Caldwell, Derek Fine, Heath Miller, Jerome Harrison, Kelley Washington, Jabar Gaffney, Alge Crumpler, Ladell Betts, Sidney Rice, Legedu Naanee, Mike Furrey, Josh Morgan, Sean Ryan, Jeremy Maclin, Kevin Faulk, Sammy Morris, Rock Cartwright, Dennis Northcutt, Jason Snelling, Vonta Leach, Jamaal Charles, Keenan Burton, Julian Edelman, Jordy Nelson, Donnie Avery, Austin Collie, Malcom Floyd, Lousaka Polite, Brian Finneran, Justin Fargas, Will Heller, Jerheme Urban, Marty Booker, Derrick Ward, Donald Lee, Bobby Wade, Brad Smith, Dustin Keller, Chansi Stuckey, Joey Galloway, Isaac Bruce, Sammie Stroughter, Louis Murphy, Travis Beckum, Brandon Pettigrew, Jacoby Jones, Greg Camarillo, Nate Washington, Leonard Weaver, Stephen Spach, Jason Avant, Daniel Fells, David Anderson, Zach Miller, Deion Branch, Chris Baker, Randy McMichael, Daniel Graham, Matt Spaeth, Devin Thomas, Greg Jones, Ben Hartsock, Ernest Wilford, Benjamin Watson, Joshua Cribbs, Aaron Brown, Greg Lewis, Kenneth Darby, Reggie Brown, Brian Leonard, Deon Butler, Martellus Bennett, Mohamed Massaquoi, Jason Wright, Roscoe Parrish, Jerramy Stevens, Brad Cottam, Moran Norris, Fred Davis, Anthony Becht, Terrance Copper, Mike Thomas, Limas Sweed, Mike Karney, Matt Lawrence, Mike Sellers, Robert Royal, Tony Scheffler, LaRod Stephens-Howling, Daniel Coats, Jeff King, Cameron Morrah, L.J. Smith, Michael Robinson, Owen Schmitt, B.J. Askew, John Kuhn, Rashad Jennings, John Owens, Sinorice Moss, Ben Obomanu, Lawrence Vickers, Marcedes Lewis

Here’s a hint – John Owens is a TE for Seattle. He recorded one catch for 6 yards on Sunday.

Give up yet?

That’s right! All 106 of them had more catches on Sunday than Terrell Owens, who was held without a catch for the first time in 185 games. If you decided to start Travis Beckum or Ben Obomanu over TO for your fantasy team this week, you picked the right superstar.

QB: Peyton Manning, 37.06 pts – started by Paul
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew, 35.77 pts – started by Paul
WR: Santana Moss, 27.87 pts – sitting on Paul’s bench
TE: Vernon Davis, 25.40 pts – sitting on Jim’s bench
K: Olindo Mare, 15.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Dallas, 21.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Terrance Newman, 12.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Paul was thiiiiiiis close to posting the unprecedented trifecta of top players, but his lack of faith in Moss (usually a good call) cost him a boatload of points and a chance to hop even further up the standings. That has to be a bitter blow for someone who loves WRs as much as Paul.

3rd place: Jeff Garcia, -2.20 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Derek Anderson, -2.32 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: St. Louis, -4.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Poor Jeff Garcia – in what will likely be his only action this season, the plucky third-stringer fumbled away a handoff and collected no other stats of note. Still, that wasn’t as unimpressive as Derek Anderson’s three INTs in relief during Cleveland’s loss, or St. Louis’ posting the second-worst score of the year.

Beating Delhomme’s week one -5.68 pts is gonna be tough, but I feel like someone on St. Louis could do it.

Now that Jeremiah Trotter has been re-signed as an Eagle, here's a partial list of other former birds I'd love to see return:

#10 QB Koy Detmer -- I'd rather see his butt-slap dance than a Mike Vick scramble any day.

#22 RB Duce Staley -- Tell me he wouldn't still be a competent third-down back.

#46 Herman Edwards -- We'd only need him for Giants games.

#59 LB Seth Joyner -- If Trotter can still hit, I'm sure Joyner can still hit.

#89 TE Mike Ditka -- He was only in Philly for one year (1967), but I have a feeling he'd be a good addition to the coaching staff today.

Can't think of anyone else right now. Nope, no one comes to mind.

This guy looked OK, though.

I’ll admit this week’s “stupidest thing” is more baffling than stupid. As I listened to the Virginia Tech pregame show on Saturday, the local jokers were recounting the exciting last-second touchdown pass by the Hokies a week before, in their defeat of Nebraska. It was a brilliant scramble and pass by Tech QB Tyrod Taylor.

One of the commentators exclaimed that the touchdown “is the kind of play that’ll make Tyrod Taylor a household name.”

“Tyrod” is not a household name. “Tyrod” will never be a household name. “Tyrod” is not any kind of name.

Tyrod’s parents’ names are Rod and Trina; That is no excuse for naming your kid Tyrod. I always assumed they wanted to name him “Tyrone” but didn’t have enough money growing up to afford any extra n’s or e’s. Or maybe he looked like a tire iron growing up. Or maybe, just maybe, I misheard his name any of the 700 times I’ve heard it in his three years as QB.

The Hokies’ web site lists his nicknames as “T-mobile” or “Black Rod.” Either one of these is closer to a household name than “Tyrod.”

Detroit snapped their 19-game losing streak on Sunday, beating the hapless Maryland Racial Slurs. What’s happened since their last win, back on Dec. 23, 2007?

** The Phillies won 192 games (and one World Series!)
** The Eagles won 15 games (and tied one!)
** Ford stock jumped from about $7 a share to nearly $9, then dropped to less than $2, then jumped back up to almost $9, then settled down back around $7 a share
** We opened our Christmas presents – twice
** The Washington Nationals lost 204 games
** Brett Favre retired -- twice

Best local headline after the win: “Washington bails out Detroit … again.”

Dallas QB Tony Romo had another tough night Monday, and things don’t get any easier with a trip to 3-0 Denver next weekend. How will the Cowboys’ play caller fare there?

There’s no better person to ask than someone from the Dallas secondary, someone who watches Romo every day in practice: Safety Pat Watkins. Publicly he says his QB will be fine, but looking at the letters in his name reveals the truth.

Dallas Cowboys free safety Patrick Watkins
-- Yo: FS Dawkins will attack SOB. Escape? Try fear --

Frankly, I think the most surprising part isn’t his knowledge of the Denver secondary, but that fact that he called his own QB an SOB. That’s cold.


Click on the picture to see it bigger.

Right now at the top of the standings we’ve got two people who have no idea what they’re doing (Ant and New Mike); At the bottom, we have the entire Ohio contingent (Jim, Joel and Jeff), with Joanna falling rapidly in an attempt to prove her love for Columbus.

And in dead last we have the reigning “Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week” champion, Neal. For the second week in a row, Neal started a third-string QB. For the third week in a row, he started a kicker and a defensive player who have yet to play a down. And for good measure this week he kept a WR slot wide open, and left 45 more points on his bench.

Is that a worse call than Andy Reid himself scripting a QB rollout on a fourth-and-one, instead of a simple run up the middle? Probably not. But it’s close enough.

** Dad and I split the picks this week, so I’m still only up two. We had some math problems here at The Fort last week related to the current standings.

** Yes, that was Greg Lewis catching the game-winning TD in the final seconds of the Vikings win over the 49ers. No, I cannot explain it.

** Bye weeks start this week. If you have any Eagles, put them on your bench and start someone else, unless you think Neal has a winning strategy here.

** If you didn't get the boxing glove reference in the Trotter section, go back and click the link in the header.

** In case I haven’t hammered this point home, go outside now with a football, throw it up in the air, and catch it. You’ve now had a more productive day than T.O. did on Sunday. But I’m sure he’ll bounce back just fine, and not hold it against anyone.

2009 fantasy recap, week #2

A critical look at who has been more helpful to the Eagles at the QB position over the last two years: backup Kevin Kolb (8 appearances), or backup Koy Detmer (zero appearances).

Yards passing Kolb = 558 yards
Yards passing Koy = zero yards
ADVANTAGE: Kolb

Points by Kolb = minus-6 (two TDs, three INTs returned for TDs)
Points by Koy = zero (no TDs or INTs)
ADVANTAGE: Koy

QB rating Kolb = 50.6 rating
QB rating Koy = 39.5 rating (zero completions and attempts)
ADVANTAGE: Kolb

Starts by Kolb = 0-1 record
Starts by Koy = 0-0 record
ADVANTAGE: Koy

Rushing yards Kolb = 2 yards in 16 attempts
Rushing yards Koy = 0 yards in 0 attempts
ADVANTAGE: Kolb (barely)

Salary of Kolb = $1.6 million
Salary of Koy = $0.0 million
ADVANTAGE: Koy

Neckbeard of Kolb = 5 o’clock shadow
Neckbeard of Koy = Full
ADVANTAGE: Koy

Results --- Koy 4, Kolb 3
I knew we never should have let that Detmer retire.

QB: Matt Schaub, 38.68 pts – started by Ant
RB: Chris Johnson, 52.50 pts – started by NewMike
WR: Andre Johnson, 31.93 pts – started by Ant
TE: Dallas Clark, 25.20 pts – started by Ant
K: Ryan Lindell, 16.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Arizona, 23.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Charles Woodson, 15.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Jo managed to field the second-best RB and QB this week, and gets no love here whatsoever. It's all Anthony, all the time this week, except for our single-player record for points in Chris Johnson.

And despite his 187 yards rushing, nine catches, 87 receiving yards and three TDs, his team lost. Why? See exhibits QB and WR on Ant's team.

3rd place: Donnie Avery, -0.73 pts – started by Bob
2nd place: Tennessee, -1.00 pts – started by Joanna
1st place: Greg Toler, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Joanna did manage to get on this list, however.

I’m used to hearing a lot of stupid commentary during football games, especially during college contests.

So when the announcers in Saturday’s Florida-Tennessee game talked about QB Tim Tebow’s “speed and quickness” (as if there’s a difference) I didn’t flinch. When they said the Volunteers’ RB blew by “two Florida football players” (as opposed to the basketball team?) I didn’t groan. When Verne Lundquist suggested that Tennessee, on their first possession of the game, needed to “run out the clock to win this game” (just one 58-minute drive should do it!) I wasn’t upset.

But when color commentator Gary Danielson complimented Tennessee QB Jonathan Crompton’s “eye vision” in the second quarter, I couldn’t take it any more. Eye vision? Instead of his ear vision? Or the blimp vision? Or maybe his eye feeling?

That’s just dumb stupid.

There are times I’m simply appalled by the actions of the Cowboys on the field, but that doesn’t hold a candle to what they do off the field. Take this new acquisition, for instance: The letters in his name reveal just how evil he is:

Defensive End Igor Olshansky
--- I gore felons and even shy kids ---

“Oh, that’s a stretch,” you say. “These anagrams are forced. Anybody can make up one ridiculous line.”

Defensive End Igor Olshansky
--- I knifed a nosy vender’s legs. Oh! ---

“Fine, you got two,” you say. “That proves nothing.”

Defensive End Igor Olshansky
--- I enslave honkys. God, send fire! ---

Pure evil, I tell you. Pure evil.

As I type at 9 p.m. on Tuesday:

** The Phillies' magic number is 5 (any combination of Phils wins and Braves losses totaling five gives them the division win).
** The Eagles' magic number is 16 (any combination of Eagles wins and Giants losses totaling 16 gives them the division).
** The Flyers' magic number is 83 (any combination of Flyers wins and division opponent's losses totaling 83 gives them the division).
** The Sixers' magic number is 83 (any combination of Sixers wins and division opponent's losses totaling 83 gives them the division).
** The Soul's magic number is one (It'll take a magic act for them to play one more game ever).

Click on the image below to enlarge

Apparently the only thing you need to win this league is a first name of Mike. I’m thinking of picking up Vick just to see if it inspires my team.

Meanwhile, Jim earns the "Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week" award by leaving 41 pts on his bench, but it wasn't without a fight. Neal again managed to start three inactive players (and two others who didn't score a point) and Joel inexplicably forgot to start one of his defensive players.

But hey, everyone makes these mistakes early in the year. The Eagles forgot to come out for the second half on Sunday.

*** I’m three games up on Dad in the weekly picks. The key this week? My pick of the Saints over the Eagles. I’m not proud, but then again neither is a franchise that starts Kevin Kolb and employs Mike Vick, so…

*** New Texas Stadium has a 700-mile long jumbotron (that’s an exaggeration), is as long as the Empire State Building is high (not an exaggeration), boasts padded seats throughout (not an exaggeration) and features cage dancers in the upper rafters (I still can’t believe that one either). As my darling wife just observed, the more you think about Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, the more you think he may be a modern-day Caligula.

*** Heidi has updated her team name to “The Most Interesting Team in the World,” which inspired her interesting players like Devery Henderson, Cedric Benson and Carnell Williams to slip 20 points behind her total last week. But that shouldn’t discourage anyone from updating their team name to better reflect your expectations and dreams for your squad.

For example, since Bob slipped into last place, he volunteered to change his team name to “The Dallas Cowboys” in the hopes that it affects the NFC East standings too. And Anthony has already said he’s planning on changing his team name to “I love Mike Vick XOXOX” after he scores his first TD this weekend.