2009 fantasy recap, week #7

With the World Series just hours away, here’s a closer look at some of the members of the 2009 New York Yankees:

** SS Derek Jeter – Widely considered the greatest Yankee of the last four decades, Jeter sits behind career role players like Julio Franco, Rabbit Maranville and Steve Finley on the all-time hits list.
** OF Johnny Damon – He is the first caveman ever to appear in the World Series with two different teams.
** 3B Alex Rodriguez – A well-known drug user, adulterer, and pathological liar whose teams were a combined 15-22 in the playoffs coming into this postseason.
** DH Hideki Matsui – He is Japanese.
** P Carsten Charles Sabathia – This 290-pound “athlete” cost the Yankees more than $4,260 per pitch this year. The 18 home runs he surrendered cost the Yankees over $75,000.

Can’t wait to see them up close.

QB: Carson Palmer, 39.32 pts – started by Jim
RB: Ricky Williams, 28.80 pts – started by Neal
WR: Chad Ochocinco, 29.87 pts – started by Jim
TE: Vernon Davis, 31.20 pts – started by Jim
K: Nick Folk, 14.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: New York Jets, 26.00 pts – started by Champ Mike
D: Will Witherspoon, 15.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Thanks for letting the rest of us play this week, Jim – Three top performers, plus the #3 WR on the week (DeSean Jackson, with 25.92 pts) gave him a 180-plus week.

In other news, welcome to the team, Will Witherspoon. Nothing like starting your Eagles career with a sack, a forced fumble, an interception and a defensive TD.

** The Rams are on pace to score 138 pts this year (60 through seven games). For comparison, 16 teams have already scored more than that in the first seven weeks.

** 49ers QB Alex Smith threw three TDs in the second half alone of Sunday's loss, his first action of the season. He is now on pace to throw 60 more TD passes in San Francisco’s final 10 games.

** Eagles QB Mike Vick is on pace to pass for 16 yds this year (6 yds through six games) and rush for another 59 yds (22 yds so far). For comparison, Chiefs WR Mark Bradley has already passed for 26 yards and rushed for 20 … and collected 177 receiving yards.

** Bills WR Terrell Owens is on pace to collect 554 receiving yds this season (242 yds through seven games). For comparison, six other wideouts had already passed 560 yds at the end of this weekend.

** Cowboys QB Tony Romo is still on pace to choke again in December.

3rd place – Arnaz Battle, -1.50 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place – Jamarcus Russell, -3.56 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place – Chicago, -6.00 pts – started by Neal

Russell on Sunday passed for 61 yards, threw two INTs and fumbled once. In Oakland’s five losses, he’s amassed 721 yards, 1 TD and 11 turnovers. Of course, last week against the Eagles he threw for a season-high 224 yards and 1 TD. So, yeah… still angry about that.

On a happier note, Neal’s defense posted the lowest possible score this week – 45 points allowed, no sacks or turnovers. Neal started two players on a bye this week and three others who have yet to appear in a game, but someone all five of them outscored his defense by six points. That’s tough to do.

With the New York Giants first visit to Philly just days away, here’s a closer look at their team too:

** LB Antonio Pierce – Aided and abetted a known felon who fired off a handgun in a crowded New York nightclub, but faced no discipline from the team for his actions.
** WR Steve Smith – He’s the second best wide receiver named Steve Smith in the NFL, behind WR Steve Smith.
** RG Chris Snee – Drafted by the Giants in 2004, Snee is the son-in-law of Tom Coughlin, coach of the team. Those two facts are totally not connected, though.
** FB Madison Hedgecock – Hedgecock was unloved by his parents, hence his name.
** QB Eli Manning – Manning is the third-best QB in his family but the best Dopey Dwarf model of the entire Manning clan.

Can’t wait to see them again.

I still haven’t gotten a sufficient explanation why ESPN employs Matt Millen as an NFL analyst. The man was the GM behind the 0-16 Detroit Lions, the worst team in professional football history. In his first three years in Detroit the Lions went 0-24 on the road. The Lions won fewer than 30 percent of their games while he was with the team.

Clearly, this man knows nothing about football. And yet, before the Monday night football game, with Millen on hand as an NFL expert, analyst Stuart Scott asked him to explain whether the Eagles were legitimate playoff contenders or pretenders.

“Good question,” Millen said. “I think the answer is both.”

No, Matt, it can’t be both. Either you’ll make the playoffs, or you won’t. Teams don’t miss the playoffs and then get to play post-season games anyway. You have to pick one.

Millen went on to say that “when the Eagles are not playing well, they become less of a contender.” He said something after that, but honestly after that all I could hear for a few hours was a loud buzzing noise.

I make fun of the Cowboys players a lot here, but I understand that Dallas’ soulless paid employees are simply doing a job to earn a paycheck (a vile, disgusting job, but a job nonetheless). The folks that really upset me are the fans, especially the ones who go out of their way to support a despicable team dedicated to the destruction of all things good.

Take, for instance, the cheerleaders. Who would sign up to support a team full of baby-eaters and father-stabbers? It baffled to me, until I saw three-year cheerleader Tobie Kay Pervical and realized that the answer was as plain as the cutesy letters in her name:

Dallas Cheerleader Tobie Percival
--- I heart evil, crap-deedle caballeros ---

I know you think you sound smart, Tobie. But using the Spanish word for cowboys (caballeros) doesn’t prove anything if you use the made-up word “crap-deedle” before it. And no matter what language it is you still heart evil … just like all Cowboys fans.

Click on the picture to make it bigger.

Another week, another new name up top. New guy, Dad and Heidi are still lurking, but Paul opened up a decent lead this week.

He also managed to pass me in waiver wire moves too – in just seven weeks, he’s already rearranged his roster 24 times. There are only 18 roster spots on our teams, so at his current rate he’ll dump his entire slate of players nearly three times by the end of the season. In fairness, the St. Louis Rams should probably consider the same strategy.

** Dad dropped to eight back in the weekly picks; He hasn’t beat me for a single week this year. On the flip side, I’m doing terrible in fantasy this year. Maybe if he’s start winning in our picks again I’d start winning with my fantasy teams.

** For what it’s worth, in my current NFL season on the PS2 the Eagles are 7-0, scoring 546 pts and allowing only 16. In my last game the Eagles beat the Bucs 91-0, and my strong safety wasn’t player of the game despite four INTs and three defensive TDs (because my defensive ends combined for 25 sacks). And Andy Reid does not call any plays for my team. Draw your own conclusions.

** This week ESPN’s Mike Greenberg called the Steelers/Vikings game from Sunday “one of the most exciting finishes in the history of the NFL.” The last eight minutes featured three turnovers, two 70-plus-yrd defensive TDs, and a 101-yrd kickoff return for a TD. Very exciting, and I wouldn’t rate it among the best 100 games I’ve seen in my life. Really, one of the most exciting in history? C’mon.

** If Second Lady Jill Biden shows up at tomorrow night’s World Series game in New York wearing a Phillies hat (she grew up in Willow Grove), I swear I’ll vote democrat in next week’s city council elections. (For the record, I believe the candidates in the local election are unopposed, and there are no Republicans in Maryland.)