2012 fantasy recap -- week 17

We managed to sneak a recorder into the Eagles locker room at halftime on Sunday to get audio of Andy Reid's final speech leading the Philadelphia football team. Here it is, unedited:

---------------------------------------------------

Five minute warning, Andy. 

OK, guys, listen up. I've been doing this for 14 years, and this may be the last time I speak to you as head coach of this team. So there's a few things I wanna get off my chest.

First, I take full responsibility for our record this year. I know I say that after every game, and I really mean it. But, c'mon, we all know it's Vick's fault, right? I mean, the guy is turning the ball over left and right, he's always getting hurt ... who could have seen this coming? No one, that's who.

Also, this defense has been terrible. I thought signing more cornerbacks would solve our problems, but that didn't work. I just don't get it. Why can't any of you 5-4, 140 pound DBs tackle anyone? I wish we could go back to the days where you had linebackers on the field. But, as you know, drafting linebackers for your team was banned by the league back in 2003.

If I have one regret during my time here, it's that we were too predictable of an offense. Pass-Pass-Pass-Run-Pass? Everyone knows what's coming. You know what would have caught defenses off guard? Pass-Pass-Pass-Trick Pass-Pass. But, no, just because we have talented RBs, "the man" says we have to use them. What a waste of an opportunity.

Two minutes, Andy.

There's just one last thing I wanna say. In all my years in football, the most important lessons I learned from failure, not success. If there's one thing you take away from this speech, it's this one pearl of wisdom. It can make you a better football player, and a better player.

And that lesson is this: No matter what the score is, always remember that ..

Time's up, Andy. We gotta go.

Awww. Crap. I never did figure out that two minute drill. 

Top fantasy performers of the year

3rd QB: Tom Brady, 409.28 pts -- Ant, 4th QB drafted
2nd QB: Aaron Rodgers, 422.63 pts -- Mike, 2nd QB drafted
1st QB: Drew Brees, 432.08 pts -- Me, 3rd QB drafted

3rd WR: AJ Green, 255.80 pts -- Jim, 4th WR drafted
2nd WR: Calvin Johnson, 277.93 pts -- Joel, 1st WR drafted
1st WR: Brandon Marshall, 286.33 pts -- Jim, 8th WR drafted

3rd RB: Arian Foster, 295.37 pts -- Bob, 1st RB drafted
2nd RB: Doug Martin, 296.37 pts -- Joel, 17th RB drafted
1st RB: Adrian Peterson, 341.17 pts -- Me, 10th RB drafted

3rd TE: Jason Witten, 197.27 pts -- Jim, 10th TE drafted
2nd TE: Jimmy Graham, 204.47 pts -- Ant, 1st TE drafted
1st TE: Tony Gonzalez, 204.50 pts -- Dad, 9th TE drafted

3rd K: Matt Bryant, 161.00 pts -- Joel, 9th K drafted
2nd K: Stephen Gostkowski, 166.50 pts -- Sam, 2nd K drafted
1st K: Blair Walsh, 168.00 pts -- Ant, undrafted

3rd DEF: Denver, 221.00 pts -- Heidi, undrafted
2nd DEF: Seattle, 223.00 pts -- Me, 7th DEF drafted
1st DEF: Chicago, 257.00 pts -- Bob, 2nd DEF drafted

3rd D: Von Miller, 85.50 pts -- Me, undrafted
2nd D: Charles Tillman, 92.50 pts -- Dad, undrafted
1st D: JJ Watt, 95.50 pts -- Joel, undrafted

Usually I compile these "best of the year" lists to show how badly we/Yahoo drafted, but except for the RBs, these rankings were pretty close to predicted. And I was surprised that AP fell as far as he did (again, Yahoo's fault, not ours) because he was the sixth or seventh off the board in my other leagues.

So good job to everyone, except for Paul, Jo and Jeff, who didn't manage to land a single one of the 21 top performers on this list. I don't want to spoil tomorrow's unveiling, but they didn't fare well in the standings. 

"Worst performers of the year" edition

5th place: Brock Osweiler, -0.84 pts -- on the wire
4th place: Brit Miller, -1.24 pts -- on the wire
3rd place: Graham Harrell, -1.50 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Josh Johnson, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Ryan Mallett, -2.22 pts -- on the wire

Four of the bottom five were backup QBs, but the Patriots replacement for Tom Brady takes the title as the worst player of the year. True, he only played a few downs, going 1-4 for 17 yards and one INT (and a rush for -7 yards), but it was enough to separate him from the rest of the fantasy elite.

Although, if we're being honest, Brock Osweiler was the worst player on the year, because, come on, that's a pain in the neck to spell.

Think you know how bad the Eagles season was? Think again.

** The Eagles finished 4-12 for the first time ever this season. It's their worst finish of the Andy Reid era, and their second worst finish of the last 36 years (excluding strike years).

** For the first time in seven years, the Eagles didn't have a rusher or receiver break 900 yards this year. In 2011, it took RB LeSean McCoy only 9 games to top that mark. This season, he managed fewer than 800 yards in 11 games played.

** The Eagles and Maryland Racial Slurs were both 3-6 when the two teams met back in November. The Maryland team had a rookie QB, a rookie RB and a defense ranked last in the league. After that game, the Eagles went 1-6 in their final seven games to finish 4th worst in the league. The Racial Slurs went 7-0 and won the NFC East.

** As a team, the Eagles had 37 turnovers which lead to 137 points for their opponents. On the season, the Eagles were -129 in point differential. The Indianapolis Colts had a -30 point differential, but still made the playoffs (as a #5 seed).

** The Eagles are about to hire the 20th coach in team history. Only one of the 19 previous coaches took the team to the playoffs in their first year. That one was Ray Rhodes, who went 29-34 in his four seasons and 1-2 in the post-season.

Jeff Lurie, at the press conference where he fired Andy Reid:

"These fans deserve the very best, and this year they got a team that wasn't very good."

It took until Dec. 31, but the Eagles owner closed out 2012 with the understatement of the year.

Vikings RB Adrian Peterson fell just short of the single-season rushing record on Sunday, compiling 2,097 yards in his 16 games this year. To show just how impressive that effort was, here's a few comparisons to help put that number in no perspective whatsoever:

 ** Peterson's rushing total was more than the combined season total of all seven NFL coaches fired on Monday.

** If you laid all 2,097 yards end to end, you'd have a line just short of 2,100 yards.

** If Peterson's rushing yards were passing yards, he'd have covered more ground than QBs like Chad Henne, Matt Cassell and Nick Foles.

** Peterson rushed for 969 yards in his last six games alone, which would have been good enough for 18th on the season rushing leaders list.

** Peterson now holds the single-season rushing record for all players whose names start in the second half of the alphabet, N through Z.

On Sunday, for the third time in five years, the Cowboys had a chance to clinch the division title in the final game of the season. And, on Sunday, for the third time in five years, the Cowboys lost. And that's wonderful.

A huge part of that loss was a dreadful fourth-quarter INT by Dallas QB Tony Romo, his third of the game. That kind of terrible play shouldn't be surprised to anyone with anagram expertise (or anyone who has seen him play over the last seven years): 

Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo, clutch performer

** Quart of choke, crumb 'o terror. No calm. Wept, cry. 

It's been an awful football season , but at least today you can drink in some sad Dallas tears to help wash the terrible taste out of the year.

** Congrats to Dad, who defeated my momentum in the final week of the regular season and finished the year three ahead in our annual picks. For the record, I went 160-106 on the year, a 62.5.6 win percentage. Dad's 163-103 record put him just a hair under 64 percent correct. Both of those scores are better than 10 of ESPN's 12 football experts, as well as the popular picks and computer projections. There's really no reason why we couldn't do this for a living.

** Props to Jim, who in the final week of the season cut all of his backups and picked up a slew of mediocre Eagles to fill out his team. As a result, he lead the league in drops and disappointment this week.

** While we're talking about Steelers fans, it's worth noting that this is the first years since the 1999 season -- when Andy Reid started his stint with the Eagles -- that neither Pennsylvania team has made the playoffs. And what happened after that post-season? A disaster of an national election process and the start of a decade-long division in the country. It's not a coincidence, my friends.

** Only 43 days until pitchers and catchers report. It'll be tough to last between now and then, since there will be no sports worth watching over the next month.

Final standings ... will be unveiled tomorrow, in our season recap and annual awarding of the Awesome Cup.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 16

Christmas gifts available at NFL.com that just hit the bargain bin:

-- New York Jets Mark Sanchez jersey
-- Andy Reid "coach for life" Eagles caps
-- Commemorative plate: Jerry Rice's unbreakable single-season receiving record
-- New York Jets Tim Tebow jersey
-- New York Giants "back-to-back champions" t-shirt
-- "Play like Mike Vick" instructional DVDs
-- Atlanta Falcons playoff tickets
-- New York Jets "I'm a fan" t-shirt

QB: Tony Romo, 40.64 pts -- on the wire
WR: Dez Bryant, 35.93 pts -- started by Heidi
RB: Reggie Bush, 31.30 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Lance Kendricks, 17.93 pts -- on the wire
K: Justin Tucker, 15.00 pts -- started by Paul
DEF: Chicago, 28.00 pts -- started by Bobert
D: Charles Tillman, 12.50 pts -- started by Dad

Sure, Bob probably would be in first place right now if he had kept Tony Romo on his squad. But winning without any integrity isn't winning at all, and Bob is the kind of respectable gentleman who understands that. So, sure, Bob cost himself 27 pts and maybe a title chance, but I know he can sleep better tonight knowing he's playing the game right. And that kind of noble play should be worth some points in the standings.

It's not, and I have no intention to make that adjustment, but it should be.

"Players who I may have made up, because their names are kinda generic-ridiculous" edition

3rd place: Joe Adams, -1.22 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Beanie Wells, -1.70 pts -- on the wire
1st place: TJ Yates, -2.20 pts -- on the wire

Just missing the top three -- my favorite name in all of football, Baltimore QB Tyrod Taylor. Named after St. Tyrod of Lourdes, of course.

The Dallas Cowboys and Maryland Racial Slurs will square off next Sunday in a finale that will determine the winner of the NFC East. Both franchises are wretched, so picking a rooting interest will be difficult. Here's a few outcomes that would be acceptable:

** Racial Slurs 2, Cowboys 0
The winning score comes on the final play of the game, when a disgusted QB Tony Romo turns from his offensive line, throws the football out the back of his own end zone, and retires from football.

** Racial Slurs 49, Cowboys 3
Maryland QB Robert Griffin III throws for only 96 yards in the victory, but the team scores seven defensive touchdowns on Dallas turnovers, including one where WR Dez Bryant has the ball and his arm ripped away from his body.

** Racial Slurs 0, Cowboys 0 (Overtimes)
The tie technically wins the NFC East for the Racial Slurs, but the NFL is so horrified by the display of bad football that they bar both teams from the post-season.

** Racial Slurs 9, Cowboys 0
Dallas forfeits the game, saying they won't play football anymore "for the good of humanity." Griffin sprains
his ankle celebrating.

Please note -- there is no acceptable scenario that puts Dallas in the post-season.

You may have thought that Saturday night's football game was just another oddly-timed NFL contest. Oh, no. It was actually, as ESPN told us all week long, "a special Saturday night edition of Monday night football."

It couldn't just be "Saturday night football." That'd be stupid.

I didn't check for sure, but when ESPN showed those highlights on Monday, I'm sure they called them "special Monday night highlights of the special Saturday night edition of Monday night football, which isn't on tonight."

In case you missed it on Sunday, the Eagles trailed 27-20 with just a few moments left, and got the ball in the red zone with a chance to win, only to come up short. QB Nick Foles missed a wide-open wideout in the end zone, then intentionally grounded the ball with one-second left to force an end to the game.

So, just to recap, the game had:

-- A flashy offensive performance
-- An inaccurate QB
-- Poor clock management at the end
-- An overall feeling of disappointment

Yep, I feel like that was fitting for Andy Reid's last home game with the Eagles. 

Tis the season ... for more Cowpokes evil. Even during the holidays, everything about this team is bent towards chaos on Earth and bad will toward men. Even Santa Claus can't stop them, because, well ...

Dallas Cowboys player's favorite Christmas morn present
** Merry coven sobs alarm: We hit Santa. Crippled Frosty also.

How do you even cripple Frosty? Dude doesn't have legs to break. Pure evil, these guys.

Week 16 standings

One week left, and it's gonna take a heck of an effort for Bob or Sam to stave off my third Awesome Cup title. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I'm already buying trophy polish.


** Picked up one more on Dad in our weekly picks. I'm down two with one week left. It's now or never. Do or die. Put up or shut up. Peanut butter or jelly.

** Going into last week's games, a gaggle of sports pundits picked Indianapolis to upset Houston because the Colts' offense was hot, the Texans defense was sagging and Houston's record was inflated. Houston easily beat up on the second-place Indy squad, 29-17. The two teams are set to square off next week again. Indy is already in the playoffs and has no motivation in the game. Houston could miss out on a first-round bye with a loss. Naturally, the NBC Sunday night crew picked Indy to win, because logic, that's why.

** Foles broke his hand and won't be playing in the Eagles finale, so their starting Vick instead. And that's odd, since Vick broke his throwing hand earlier this year. Wait, it wasn't broken? Then why did he have all those turnovers? Oh, he sucks. That's right.

** A Christmas edition of the recap. That's dedication, boys and girls. I'm like the Santa Claus of sports blogging. Only I do it without festive elf slave labor.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 15

The Mayan apocalypse is scheduled for this Friday, time to be determined. If there's any doubt that the world is going to end, consider the following football facts: 

** The Maryland Racial Slurs are in first place.

** The New York Jets still can make the playoffs.  

** The single-season rushing record and receiving record both could fall this month, one year after the single-season passing mark was broken.

** The Arizona Cardinals (5-9) are longing for the days of QB Kevin Kolb (4-2 in games he played). 

** The Seattle Seahawks are a more likely playoff team than the Pittsburgh Steelers.

** QB Eli Manning could easily end up with a third Super Bowl ring next month. 

After looking at that list, I am looking forward to the end of days. 

QB: Russell Wilson, 41.40 pts -- on the wire
WR: Andre Johnson, 27.07 pts -- started by Sam
RB: Adrian Peterson, 27.20 pts -- started by me
TE: Dennis Pitta, 27.33 pts -- on my bench
K: Blair Walsh, 25.00 pts -- started by Ant
DEF: Arizona, 28.00 pts -- on the wire
D: JJ Watt, 13.00 pts -- started by Joel

Second week in a row I left a top performer on my bench (that'll teach me to make fun of Heidi) but I started the #2 QB (Drew Brees) and #2 TE (Aaron Hernandez), so don't worry about me too much.

"Players I was sure retired" edition

3rd place: Luke McCown, -0.30 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Shane Vereen, -0.73 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Mewelde Moore, -0.90 pts -- on the wire

Did you know that Mewelde Moore (his name means "the welder" in Finnish) has been in the league for nine years, plaed for 120 games, and accumulated more than 2,200 rushing yards? That's like 18 games worth of work for Adrian Peterson.

Remember when both Luke McCown and Josh McCown were considered possible starters in the NFL? No? Lucky you.

Possible Christmas gifts I saw on display at a Philly-area Modell's this weekend:

-- Lego Mike Vick, $13
It came with it's own football, but the figurine somehow he fumbled it away.
-- Jonathan Papelbon bleacher mask, $11
This was just Papelbon's face, with an elastic band. It was as scary as it sounds.
-- Sean Couturier Jersey, price unknown
When I went to look at the tag, an NHL official appeared and prevented me from seeing any more.
-- Andrew Bynum T-shirt jersey, $25
It was sitting on a broken hanger. Go figure.
-- Nnamdi Asomugha jersey, 25 percent off
But the jersey was so small it didn't cover anything ... much like the CB himself.
-- Michael Young t-shirt, $15
Is it sad when the most exciting thing in the store is the new guy's shirt?

ESPN had a story on its web front Monday that Racial Slurs QB Robert Griffin III has the top selling jersey in the NFL this year, a combination of his remarkable play thus far and the team's sudden resurgence.

They also had a sidebar titled "Griffin will still be the starter after injury," clarifying that the rookie, whom the team spend three first-round draft picks to get, will not be permanently replaced by fifth-round backup QB Kirk Cousins, who performed well in a win over the Browns on Sunday.

That's a bold and surprising decision, said no one anywhere in America.

NFL teams posted four shutouts this weekend, the most ever in a single day in league history (probably not. I didn't bother to look it up, but that doesn't seem too high. Also, there were only three shutouts). Here's a look at just how bad each one was:

4 -- Falcons 34, Giants 0
Analysis: The least surprising of the blowouts on Sunday. Atlanta dominated every aspect of this game, and everyone in America knows that when these two meet again in the playoffs, the Giants will win by 20. New York doesn't start trying until it has to.

3 -- Saints 41, Bucs 0
Analysis: An ugly, ugly game for Tampa Bay, but New Orleans is the kind of team that routinely pulls these kind of blowouts. Still, following a soul-crushing loss to the hapless Eagles with a goose-egg performance to a division rival is embarrassing.

2 -- Dolphins 24, Jaguars 3
Analysis: How bad is Jacksonville? They're so awful, they can't even get shut out right. They kicked a FG in the first five minutes of the game, then stopped playing any offense or defense for the next 55 minutes.


1 -- Raiders 15, Chiefs 0
Analysis: Kansas City had 119 yards of total offense on Sunday and lost to a team that never scored a touchdown. The two teams had a combined 5-21 record coming into the contest. There's no way to pretend this wasn't the worst game in the NFL all season.

The Cowboys on Sunday picked up their second overtime win this season against an AFC Central opponent  (seriously, Pittsburgh, you guys stink). The victory puts them in a three-way tie for first place with the New Jersey Giants and aforementioned Maryland Racial Slurs, which means ... oh, hell, I'll just let the anagram say it:

** Dallas Cowboys defeat yet another squad in overtime 
Yo, dead era quote: The NFC East is really bad now. Vomit.

Is it too late to petition the league and ask that none of these teams get in the post-season?

Week 15 standings

Ahem. That's more like it.

Sam's bold decision to start an injured, benched RG3 and my second 180-plus pt week of the year helped me erase a 55-pt deficit and reclaim the top spot in the rankings. With two weeks left in the season, it's still anyone's title to grab.

... as long as anyone is Sam, Bob or I. Maybe Joel, if he has two unbelievable, record-breaking weekends. Definitely not Anthony.

** Picked up two more on Dad, now I sit three back in our weekly picks. To borrow a phrase, everything is coming up Millhouse.

** The Phillies signed P John Lannan this week. I thought about writing a whole section on just how much I hate that guy, but here's the quick version. He has a lifetime 6.49 ERA at Citizens Bank Park. He was a key pitcher on three Washington Natinals that lost more than 90 games. And he has 21 career hit batters ... 11 of whom are Phillies. He has beaned Chase Utley three times (and broke his hand in 2007) and hit Ryan Howard five times. I hate this guy. It wouldn't surprise me to see him "slip" in his first game and fire a wild pitch at Howard's head, as he stands unsuspectingly at first base.


** Looks like Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow will be available at the end of the season, now that the Jets have given up on both of them. How about a trade for Mike Vick? Or a mass deportation of all three?

2012 fantasy recap -- week 14

Seventy days passed between the Eagles' last win (on Sept. 30) and their victory over Tampa Bay on Sunday. For a little perspective, here's what happened during their eight-game, 70-day losing streak:

-- All of the presidential debates, and the election.
-- The entire MLB postseason, all 36 games.
-- Eight combined losses by the San Antonio Spurs and Oklahoma City Thunder, in 40 games.
-- The firing of the Eagles D coordinator, defensive line coach, offensive line coach, plus the loss of their starting QB and RB and WR
-- All of October and November

QB: Cam Newton, 41.08 pts -- started by Jim
WR: Brandon Marshall, 26.67 pts -- started by Jim
RB: David Wilson, 32.54 pts -- on the wire
TE: Anthony Hernandez, 23.87 pts -- started by me
K: Steven Hauschka, 16.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Seattle, 46.00 pts -- on my bench
D: Richard Sherman, 14.00 pts -- on the wire

Good week for Jim ... until you look and see that he left 43 more points on his bench, which would have been enough to jump him up from 10th place to 7th.

But the bonehead move of the week goes to me, for benching the top scoring defense of the year just moments before kickoff on Sunday. The defense I started, Cleveland, was actually the second highest scoring play on the week for that position, with 19 pts. But that move alone cost me 27 points. Just awful.

"Terrible QBs" edition

3rd place: Colt McCoy, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Ryan Mallet, -2.30 pts -- on the wire
1st place: John Skelton, -5.84 pts -- on the wire

Stay with me, this is going to take a while.

So that Seattle Defense? They collected 8 turnovers from the hapless Cardinals, including five from Arizona QB Skelton, in their 58-0 victory.

Skelton's day was the worst by a QB this year, and likely one of the worst of all time. He threw more TDs to the other team (one) than to his own team (zero). The Seattle secondary had almost as many return yards off his INTs (64) as the Cardinals receiving corps had on his passes (74). And his pathetic QB rating of 18.2 is even worse when you calculate his reverse QB rating (assuming he was actually playing for Seattle):

Skelton as a Cardinal:
11 for 22, 74 yards, zero TDs, 4 INTs -- 18.2 rating
Skelton as a Seahawk:
4 for 22, 64 yards, 1 TD, 11 INTs -- 15.2 rating

So he was only a slightly better passer for his team than his opponent. He also lost a fumble, because his day wasn't bad enough.

It's almost college football bowl season, that wonderful time of year when we see the best of the NCAA square off on the field ... and 26 other games too. But it's still a valuable business model for the NFL to explore. Think of it -- instead of a single elimination playoff, they could have ...

The Kraft Fight Hunger bowl
Eagles vs Jets
-- It works on so many levels. Both head coaches (Andy Reid and Rex Ryan) are oversized gluttons, and both won't be able to put food on the table after they're fired at years end.

The Beef O Brady Bowl
Patriots vs Chiefs 
-- Because its QB Tom Brady against QB Brady Quinn, that's why.

The Little Caesars Pizza Bowl
Cowboys vs Redskins 
-- Dallas owner Jerry Jones and Maryland owner Dan Snyder both have Napoleon complexes (and Napoleon height), so this fits perfectly.

The Heart of Dallas Bowl
No participants
-- Dallas has no heart. End of story.

The BCS national championship
Texans vs Fighting Irish 
-- Lets face it -- no one in the NFL is any good. This might decide who really deserves to be called the best team in the nation.

The Washington Post (great for news, awful for sports) ran a great story this week titled "Wizards bench makes its mark" which spoke about the valuable contributions by the non-starters on DC's pro basketball team, contributing more than half of the squad's scoring.

Except, at the time the article was written, the Wizards were 1-13. No one on the team has been making any mark. They were producing more than half of the league's lowest scoring average. That's like being the skinny kid at fat camp. It doesn't make you good, it just makes you less bad.

The story also noted that the "backups" have changed nearly every game, as the coach rotates players out of the starting role. So it's not that the Wizards have decent backups. It's just that whoever they start, they end up stinking for that game.

Projecting ridiculous trends at the beginning of the year is always a hoot, but several players never dropped off pace and are now on the verge of setting new records for single-season greatness. Here's what's within reach:

-- A new receiving record
Lions WR Calvin Johnson has collected 1,546 yards receiving so far this year, putting him on pace for 1,902 yards. He "only" has to average 101 yards over his last three games to beat Jerry Rice's 1,848 record set in 1995. And he's doing it despite the Madden curse this year, making it even more remarkable.

-- A 2,000 yard rusher
Only six players in NFL history have topped the 2K rushing mark, and Adrian Peterson isn't one of them. But he could be. He has 1,600 yards so far this year, and would need to average an impressive 134 yards a game the rest of the way to do it. In his last five games, he has topped 150 four times.

-- A new sack record
49ers LB Aldon Smith (who you've never heard of) already has 19.5 sacks this season, leaving him just three sacks away from Michael Strahan's completely BS record of 22.5 sacks. Vikings DE Jared Allen missed out on the record by 0.5 sacks last season, so maybe Smith can wipe Strahan from the record books this year.

-- Most punts in a season
It's not a record any team wants, but Arizona could claim it. Right now Cardinals P Dave Zastudil has 89 punts on the season, just 25 short the NFL record (held by Bears P Bob Parsons and Texans P Chad Stanley). In his last three games, Zastudil has 22 punts. Two weeks ago, he had 10 in one game. And the Cardinals haven't gotten better since then.

-- A new safety record
Eight players have tallied a defensive two-pointer this season, putting them withing striking distance of joining an elite fraternity. Only 18 players in NFL history have recorded two safeties in a single season (Jared Allen is the only one you've ever heard of). One lucky end zone sack could add another name to the list.

Just when you think the Cowboys new players can't possibly be more evil, you see an anagram like this one that lays bare the very nature of their poisoned souls:

Dallas Cowboys Backup Tight End/special teams rookie James Hanna
** Alas, his music be joke. No Megadeath, only kids bop. Twas a clap trance. 

Not my best work, but I really got sidetracked when I saw the change to get "Megadeath" in an anagram. How often do heavy metal bands come up naturally in people's names?

Yes, it was totally natural. Nothing about that giant string of words is unnatural.

Week 14 standings

Three weeks left, and it's still a three-person race. Sam is still sitting on top, but I should point out that I just beat the snot out of him for the second time this season in the head-to-head league we're both in. If we both win our playoff match-ups next week, I'll be able to smack him down for a third time this year. And then I'll come back here and steal this title away from him too.

And Bob? Yeah, he's still got a chance. But, really, c'mon, he still has Romo on that team.

** Split my picks with dad for the week, so I'm still five back with three weeks left. Honestly, that's much better than I thought this year was going to go. I was down 11 four weeks into the season (maybe. I don't feel like going back and checking). For the year, I'm 127-80, picking 62% of the games right. Dad is at almost 64%. That means if you bet on every game we picked ... you'd have a severe gambling problem.

** Best joke I told this week, and no one has laughed at it so far: Washington is very concerned with the severity of QB Robert Griffin III's leg injury, so, as a precaution, they're going to bench P Stephen Strasburg for the remainder of the season. You can't be too careful.

** Eagles on Thursday night football this week, against the Bengals. Last time these two teams played, it ended in a tie. But that was before they fixed the NFL with these new, awesome overtime rules.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 13

Outgoing head coach Andy Reid announced that Nick Foles will start the rest of the season as QB for the Eagles, possibly ending the Mike Vick era in Philadelphia. Here's a look back at Vick's illustrious tenure with the birds and the 46 games he appeared in:

First 24 games: 32 TDs, 9 turnovers
Last 22 games: 31 TDs, 32 turnovers


First 24 games: 17-7 record
Last 22 games: 10-12 record

First 24 games: Two playoff appearances
Last 22 games: Zero playoff appearances


First 24 games: $5.38 million salary
Last 22 games: $22.5 million salary

I volunteer to drive him to the airport for his trip out of town.

QB: Andrew Luck, 37.44 pts -- started by Bobert
WR: Calvin Johnson, 30.40 pts -- started by Joel
RB: Bryce Brown, 31.83 pts -- started by Dad
TE: Brandon Myers, 28.67 pts -- started by Ant
K: Jason Hanson, 18.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF: Houston, 24.00 pts -- started by ChampMike
D: Von Miller, 15.00 pts -- on the wire

Ahhhhhh, so close. The league actually only started one of the top 20 individual defensive starters this week, somehow overlooking such luminaries as Mitch Unrein and Morgan Burnett.

But at least one of us had the sense to pick up Bryce Brown, who is quickly becoming the greatest fantasy player never to start in a win. The Eagles just find a new way to stick it to you every week.

"HaHa, New York sucks" edition

3rd place: Jets Kahlil Bell, -0.87 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Bills Justin Rogers, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Jets Mark Sanchez, -1.42 pts -- on the wire

Sanchez, who got benched in the third quarter of his team's 7-6 win over Arizona, threw for 97 yards and three interceptions on 21 attempts. And while he was the worst fantasy player of the week, he might not have been the worst quarterback on the field Sunday. Arizona QB Ryan Lundley passed for just 72 yards in 31 attempts, but threw only one pick. In other news, Tim Tebow laughed so hard he re-injured his ribs.

** The Eagles win their last four games, and finish 7-9.
** The Giants lose their last four games, and finish 7-9.
** The Cowboys lose their last four games, and finish 6-10.
** The Redskins lose three of their last four games, but beat the Cowboys, and finish 7-9.

That would create a three-way tie atop the NFC East. The Redskins would win the division, based on their 4-2 record win division games. The Eagles would finish in second place, with a 3-3 record. The Giants would have only a 2-4 record.

If the Cowboys beat the Redskins in their second meeting, they'd win the division in the scenario above (and the Eagles would finish second). If there is a four-way 7-9 tie among the teams, the Eagles would actually finish last, by virtue of their 4-8 record in the NFC.

There is no scenario where the Eagles can get a wild card or win the division. Welcome to two consecutive non-playoff years.

During Sunday's Ravens game, CBS play-by-play announcer Jim Nance was killing time and started talking about Baltimore's stunning fourth-and-29 conversion in overtime a week earlier to beat the Chargers. Partner analyst Phil Simms chimed in with this gem:

"If the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl, that's going to be the reason why."

Right now, the Ravens seem like a lock for the playoffs, with their 9-3 record giving them a two-game lead  in their division. Without that win last week, they'd be 8-4 -- not as good, but it's hardly a season-saving victory.It's doubtful that win will be the only reason they make the playoffs.

But, let's go wild and explore Simm's comment. Baltimore gets in the Super Bowl as a #2 seed. They beat the Broncos and the Texans, then square off against the Giants in the championship game. Does anyone even remember that they beat the Chargers? Does anyone quote that November game as the reason they ripped through the post-season?

If the Ravens win the Super Bowl, I think it'll be because of the third-and-7 they converted in the second quarter of their loss to the Eagles. Why? Because. That's why.

Bengals LB Takeo Spikes set a dubious mark this season -- he has now played 215 games without ever seeing the post-season, a new NFL record. His current Cincinnati squad would finish seventh in the conference (and outside the playoffs) if the season ended today.

Here's just how long his drought has been:

** Patriots QB Tom Brady has only played 173 regular season games in his career ... but played 22 post-season games.

** In the last 15 years, Spikes has missed only 20 games (and started 211 of his 215) and recorded more than 1000 tackles. 

** WR Randy Moss entire career -- including 12 playoff games -- has begun and ended while Spikes' streak has continued.

** The Eagles only missed the playoffs twice from 2000 to 2010. One of those misses was 2007, when Spikes played his only season in Philadelphia.

** The next closest player on the playoff-less steak is Buffalo K Ryan Lindell, who has played in 23 fewer games than Spikes. 

Ernie Sims used to be an Eagle too, but in October he signed on to be a member of the Cowboys rather than take the respectable route and retire from football. I don't remember him being a particularly evil player in his time here -- In fact, I remember reading a story about him visiting elderly patients and new mothers in local hospitals. I'm sure he hasn't changed much in the last few years ...

** Cowboys Dallas Linebacker Ernie Sims
Car weeny -- Me smack old seniors, ill babies  

In many ways, signing with Dallas is like being bitten by a zombie. You're infected right away, unless you cut your arm off in time.

Week 13 standings

Another good week for Sam extends his lead. He's currently beating me in two leagues now, and yesterday he asked me who Trent Dilfer was, because he had never heard of him. Just letting you know in case you thought life was fair.

** Picked up one more against Dad, now I'm only five games back in the weekly picks. I'm so close, I can feel victory...

** The Eagles fired their defensive line coach on Monday. It makes sense, because if you had to point to one failing on this team, it would be any player or coach you can think of.

** If any of you have the power to make Jamaal Charles and Andy Dalton into superstars just for next week, my wallet and paid fantasy football league would thank you greatly.

**  It just occurred to me that I really should have made a ton of Brian Westbrook jokes in this column, on account of it being my 36th birthday. Maybe next year. I'll start saving up my Sean Considine jokes for then.

2012 fantasy recap -- week 12

 

With so much terrible football news over the weekend, I couldn't pick my least favorite moment. So, you decide:

** The best Thanksgiving game (Houston vs. Detroit) was decided on a blown coach's challenge, and featured an overtime with two turnovers and two missed field goals.

** The Jets gave up 21 points to the Patriots in a 52 second span during the second quarter on Thanksgiving night. That included a fumble recovery touchdown where QB Mark Sanchez lost the ball while sliding headfirst into his own lineman's butt.

** The Steelers, who had 12 turnovers going into Sunday, added eight more in their loss to the Browns. They had more turnovers than punts (6).

** Arizona QB Ryan Lindley, in his first start, threw for 317 yards and threw two TD passes ... to St. Louis CB Janoris Jenkins. He threw two other INTs as well, and the Cardinals lost 31-17.

** The Chargers on Sunday allowed the Ravens to convert a 4th and 29 in overtime, leading to Baltimore's game-winning FG. That was the Ravens' only lead of the game.

** The Eagles played the Panthers, in a nationally televised game.

Yes, I did write that last one before the game happened. Turns out it lived up to the anti-hype.

QB: Tom Brady, 37.42 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Dez Bryant, 28.27 pts -- started by Heidi
RB: Bryce Brown, 31.30 pts -- on the wire
TE: Charles Clay, 18.10 pts -- on the wire
K: Rob Bironas, 14.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: New England, 27.00 pts -- on Heidi's bench
D: Janoris Jenkins, 18.00 pts -- on the wire

Third week in a row that Heidi has left a top performer on her bench. Must be nice to be that rich.


"Players you kinda know from something" edition

3rd place: Ted Ginn Jr., -1.24 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Rashard Mendenhall, -1.40 pts -- on Heidi's bench
1st place: Green Bay, -5.00 pts -- on Jim's bench

That Green Bay line came courtesy the New Jersey Giants, who are getting hot again late in the season. Great. Somebody pass me the alcohol or the turpentine. Honestly, I don't care which one anymore.

While driving near Philly this weekend, I heard this exchange on local sports radio:

Caller: "Hey, I just wanted to correct that last guy who was on the radio. He said there isn't a single Eagles player worth cheering for anymore, and that he wouldn't wear any of their jerseys."
Host: "You disagree?"
Caller: "Yeah! I think Shady McCoy is a great player. He's a hard worker, he seems to say the right things, seems like a real class act. I'm excited to watch him play. I'd be proud to have my kid wear his jersey."
Host: "I agree with you."
Caller: "Yeah, so I don't think that guy was right. There's one player worth cheering for on this team. But only one."
Host: (laughing) "Well, I guess that's something."

During the Notre Dame game on Saturday night, the good folks at ABC did a run-through of the top college football stories of the day. That included Penn State's overtime win against Wisconsin, leaving the team at 8-4 for the year. Brent Musburger noted that the eight wins is a record for a first-year coach at Penn State, an impressive achievement for PSU's Bill O'Brien.

Except, it's not. Penn State hasn't had a rookie head coach since LBJ was president. The team only played 10-game seasons back then. O'Brien is the first rookie head coach at Penn State in more than 45 years to do anything. He's the first PSU rookie coach to lose four games in four decades. He's the first PSU rookie coach to lose against Ohio State in four decades. He's the first PSU rookie coach to pick his nose in four decades.

He's also the first PSU rookie coach to set a rookie head coach record since Joe Paterno. Think about that for a while and see if your brain eats itself.

Sorting through some old magazines this weekend, I came across Sport Illustrated's picks for the preseason top 25 in college football. Their pigskin experts were as accurate as you'd expect:

Here's the last set of AP rankings:
1 -- Notre Dame (SI = Not ranked)
2 -- Alabama (SI = 1)
3 -- Georgia (SI = 9)
4 -- Ohio State (SI = 22)
5 -- Florida (SI = Not ranked)
6 -- Oregon (SI = 4)
7 -- Kansas State (SI = 16)
8 -- Stanford (SI =17)
9 -- LSU (SI = 3)
10 -- Texas A&M (SI = Not ranked)

And here's SI's top 10 before the season started:
SI 1 = Alabama (2)
SI 2 = USC (Not ranked)
SI 3 = LSU (9)
SI 4 = Oregon (6)
SI 5 = Oklahoma (12)
SI 6 = Wisconsin (Not ranked)
SI 7 = South Carolina (11)
SI 8 = Michigan State (Not ranked)
SI 9 = Georgia (3)
SI 10 = West Virginia (Not ranked)

That Alabama pick could still turn out to be right, but to have four of your top 10 picks not be ranked at all, and to miss on three other top 10 teams by not even ranking them at the start of the season, shows a level of incompetence that makes you wonder why we have pre-season rankings at all. SI also wrote features on the seven most likely Heisman trophy candidates ... but didn't include the two consensus front runners (KSU's Colin Klein and ND's Manti Te'o).

For the record, SI picked the Packers to beat the Broncos in the Super Bowl and the Heat to beat the Lakers in the NBA finals. So, you know, stay away from those picks.

A few weeks back, Dallas signed free agent Charlie Peprah to help fill out their secondary. It's no surprise that Peprah is known for frequent cheap shots (probably, I didn't bother to look it up) when you look closer at the letters in his name:

Cowboys safety Charlie Peprah
** Cheater oaf way -- He cripples boys.

OK, but maybe that's just because he's new to the team, right? He hasn't always been that way, I'm sure. Let's look at his college years:

Alabama starting strong safety Charlie Peprah
** Angst birth afar -- so angry! AAAA! Let's cripple them.

OK ... Maybe it's just football that brings out the worst in him?

Charlie Peprah
** Aha! Cripple her!

This dude has serious, serious problems.

Week 12 standings

Dammit, Sam is in the lead again, thanks to a ridiculous 182.91-pt performance this week (second highest weekly total this year). Joel is also making a surprising late-season push, sneaking back within striking distance of the top three. And last year's Awesome Cup Champion, Anthony? He's battling for the final four spots in the standings. Maybe the Giants will follow his lead...

** Dad and I split our picks this week, I'm still six games back. So, ..... yeah.

** Ohio State finished the season undefeated, but won't play in any significant bowl game because of former coach Jim Tressel's NCAA violations. Naturally, he was invited on field pregame and applauded by the crowd, because they're idiots.

** If you're forcing me to watch the Eagles and Panther play late on a Monday night, the least you could do is muzzle Chris Berman. It's the only humane thing to do.

** At least I know now whether to start WR DeSean Jackson and DE Jason Babin for the rest of the season...

** The Sixers just beat the Dallas Mavericks. There's your one bit of good Philly sports news this week.