2009 fantasy recap, week #3

Pop Quiz: What do these 106 NFL players have in common?

Mike Wallace, Davone Bess, Josh Reed, Andre Caldwell, Derek Fine, Heath Miller, Jerome Harrison, Kelley Washington, Jabar Gaffney, Alge Crumpler, Ladell Betts, Sidney Rice, Legedu Naanee, Mike Furrey, Josh Morgan, Sean Ryan, Jeremy Maclin, Kevin Faulk, Sammy Morris, Rock Cartwright, Dennis Northcutt, Jason Snelling, Vonta Leach, Jamaal Charles, Keenan Burton, Julian Edelman, Jordy Nelson, Donnie Avery, Austin Collie, Malcom Floyd, Lousaka Polite, Brian Finneran, Justin Fargas, Will Heller, Jerheme Urban, Marty Booker, Derrick Ward, Donald Lee, Bobby Wade, Brad Smith, Dustin Keller, Chansi Stuckey, Joey Galloway, Isaac Bruce, Sammie Stroughter, Louis Murphy, Travis Beckum, Brandon Pettigrew, Jacoby Jones, Greg Camarillo, Nate Washington, Leonard Weaver, Stephen Spach, Jason Avant, Daniel Fells, David Anderson, Zach Miller, Deion Branch, Chris Baker, Randy McMichael, Daniel Graham, Matt Spaeth, Devin Thomas, Greg Jones, Ben Hartsock, Ernest Wilford, Benjamin Watson, Joshua Cribbs, Aaron Brown, Greg Lewis, Kenneth Darby, Reggie Brown, Brian Leonard, Deon Butler, Martellus Bennett, Mohamed Massaquoi, Jason Wright, Roscoe Parrish, Jerramy Stevens, Brad Cottam, Moran Norris, Fred Davis, Anthony Becht, Terrance Copper, Mike Thomas, Limas Sweed, Mike Karney, Matt Lawrence, Mike Sellers, Robert Royal, Tony Scheffler, LaRod Stephens-Howling, Daniel Coats, Jeff King, Cameron Morrah, L.J. Smith, Michael Robinson, Owen Schmitt, B.J. Askew, John Kuhn, Rashad Jennings, John Owens, Sinorice Moss, Ben Obomanu, Lawrence Vickers, Marcedes Lewis

Here’s a hint – John Owens is a TE for Seattle. He recorded one catch for 6 yards on Sunday.

Give up yet?

That’s right! All 106 of them had more catches on Sunday than Terrell Owens, who was held without a catch for the first time in 185 games. If you decided to start Travis Beckum or Ben Obomanu over TO for your fantasy team this week, you picked the right superstar.

QB: Peyton Manning, 37.06 pts – started by Paul
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew, 35.77 pts – started by Paul
WR: Santana Moss, 27.87 pts – sitting on Paul’s bench
TE: Vernon Davis, 25.40 pts – sitting on Jim’s bench
K: Olindo Mare, 15.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Dallas, 21.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Terrance Newman, 12.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Paul was thiiiiiiis close to posting the unprecedented trifecta of top players, but his lack of faith in Moss (usually a good call) cost him a boatload of points and a chance to hop even further up the standings. That has to be a bitter blow for someone who loves WRs as much as Paul.

3rd place: Jeff Garcia, -2.20 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Derek Anderson, -2.32 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: St. Louis, -4.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Poor Jeff Garcia – in what will likely be his only action this season, the plucky third-stringer fumbled away a handoff and collected no other stats of note. Still, that wasn’t as unimpressive as Derek Anderson’s three INTs in relief during Cleveland’s loss, or St. Louis’ posting the second-worst score of the year.

Beating Delhomme’s week one -5.68 pts is gonna be tough, but I feel like someone on St. Louis could do it.

Now that Jeremiah Trotter has been re-signed as an Eagle, here's a partial list of other former birds I'd love to see return:

#10 QB Koy Detmer -- I'd rather see his butt-slap dance than a Mike Vick scramble any day.

#22 RB Duce Staley -- Tell me he wouldn't still be a competent third-down back.

#46 Herman Edwards -- We'd only need him for Giants games.

#59 LB Seth Joyner -- If Trotter can still hit, I'm sure Joyner can still hit.

#89 TE Mike Ditka -- He was only in Philly for one year (1967), but I have a feeling he'd be a good addition to the coaching staff today.

Can't think of anyone else right now. Nope, no one comes to mind.

This guy looked OK, though.

I’ll admit this week’s “stupidest thing” is more baffling than stupid. As I listened to the Virginia Tech pregame show on Saturday, the local jokers were recounting the exciting last-second touchdown pass by the Hokies a week before, in their defeat of Nebraska. It was a brilliant scramble and pass by Tech QB Tyrod Taylor.

One of the commentators exclaimed that the touchdown “is the kind of play that’ll make Tyrod Taylor a household name.”

“Tyrod” is not a household name. “Tyrod” will never be a household name. “Tyrod” is not any kind of name.

Tyrod’s parents’ names are Rod and Trina; That is no excuse for naming your kid Tyrod. I always assumed they wanted to name him “Tyrone” but didn’t have enough money growing up to afford any extra n’s or e’s. Or maybe he looked like a tire iron growing up. Or maybe, just maybe, I misheard his name any of the 700 times I’ve heard it in his three years as QB.

The Hokies’ web site lists his nicknames as “T-mobile” or “Black Rod.” Either one of these is closer to a household name than “Tyrod.”

Detroit snapped their 19-game losing streak on Sunday, beating the hapless Maryland Racial Slurs. What’s happened since their last win, back on Dec. 23, 2007?

** The Phillies won 192 games (and one World Series!)
** The Eagles won 15 games (and tied one!)
** Ford stock jumped from about $7 a share to nearly $9, then dropped to less than $2, then jumped back up to almost $9, then settled down back around $7 a share
** We opened our Christmas presents – twice
** The Washington Nationals lost 204 games
** Brett Favre retired -- twice

Best local headline after the win: “Washington bails out Detroit … again.”

Dallas QB Tony Romo had another tough night Monday, and things don’t get any easier with a trip to 3-0 Denver next weekend. How will the Cowboys’ play caller fare there?

There’s no better person to ask than someone from the Dallas secondary, someone who watches Romo every day in practice: Safety Pat Watkins. Publicly he says his QB will be fine, but looking at the letters in his name reveals the truth.

Dallas Cowboys free safety Patrick Watkins
-- Yo: FS Dawkins will attack SOB. Escape? Try fear --

Frankly, I think the most surprising part isn’t his knowledge of the Denver secondary, but that fact that he called his own QB an SOB. That’s cold.


Click on the picture to see it bigger.

Right now at the top of the standings we’ve got two people who have no idea what they’re doing (Ant and New Mike); At the bottom, we have the entire Ohio contingent (Jim, Joel and Jeff), with Joanna falling rapidly in an attempt to prove her love for Columbus.

And in dead last we have the reigning “Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week” champion, Neal. For the second week in a row, Neal started a third-string QB. For the third week in a row, he started a kicker and a defensive player who have yet to play a down. And for good measure this week he kept a WR slot wide open, and left 45 more points on his bench.

Is that a worse call than Andy Reid himself scripting a QB rollout on a fourth-and-one, instead of a simple run up the middle? Probably not. But it’s close enough.

** Dad and I split the picks this week, so I’m still only up two. We had some math problems here at The Fort last week related to the current standings.

** Yes, that was Greg Lewis catching the game-winning TD in the final seconds of the Vikings win over the 49ers. No, I cannot explain it.

** Bye weeks start this week. If you have any Eagles, put them on your bench and start someone else, unless you think Neal has a winning strategy here.

** If you didn't get the boxing glove reference in the Trotter section, go back and click the link in the header.

** In case I haven’t hammered this point home, go outside now with a football, throw it up in the air, and catch it. You’ve now had a more productive day than T.O. did on Sunday. But I’m sure he’ll bounce back just fine, and not hold it against anyone.

2009 fantasy recap, week #2

A critical look at who has been more helpful to the Eagles at the QB position over the last two years: backup Kevin Kolb (8 appearances), or backup Koy Detmer (zero appearances).

Yards passing Kolb = 558 yards
Yards passing Koy = zero yards
ADVANTAGE: Kolb

Points by Kolb = minus-6 (two TDs, three INTs returned for TDs)
Points by Koy = zero (no TDs or INTs)
ADVANTAGE: Koy

QB rating Kolb = 50.6 rating
QB rating Koy = 39.5 rating (zero completions and attempts)
ADVANTAGE: Kolb

Starts by Kolb = 0-1 record
Starts by Koy = 0-0 record
ADVANTAGE: Koy

Rushing yards Kolb = 2 yards in 16 attempts
Rushing yards Koy = 0 yards in 0 attempts
ADVANTAGE: Kolb (barely)

Salary of Kolb = $1.6 million
Salary of Koy = $0.0 million
ADVANTAGE: Koy

Neckbeard of Kolb = 5 o’clock shadow
Neckbeard of Koy = Full
ADVANTAGE: Koy

Results --- Koy 4, Kolb 3
I knew we never should have let that Detmer retire.

QB: Matt Schaub, 38.68 pts – started by Ant
RB: Chris Johnson, 52.50 pts – started by NewMike
WR: Andre Johnson, 31.93 pts – started by Ant
TE: Dallas Clark, 25.20 pts – started by Ant
K: Ryan Lindell, 16.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Arizona, 23.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Charles Woodson, 15.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Jo managed to field the second-best RB and QB this week, and gets no love here whatsoever. It's all Anthony, all the time this week, except for our single-player record for points in Chris Johnson.

And despite his 187 yards rushing, nine catches, 87 receiving yards and three TDs, his team lost. Why? See exhibits QB and WR on Ant's team.

3rd place: Donnie Avery, -0.73 pts – started by Bob
2nd place: Tennessee, -1.00 pts – started by Joanna
1st place: Greg Toler, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Joanna did manage to get on this list, however.

I’m used to hearing a lot of stupid commentary during football games, especially during college contests.

So when the announcers in Saturday’s Florida-Tennessee game talked about QB Tim Tebow’s “speed and quickness” (as if there’s a difference) I didn’t flinch. When they said the Volunteers’ RB blew by “two Florida football players” (as opposed to the basketball team?) I didn’t groan. When Verne Lundquist suggested that Tennessee, on their first possession of the game, needed to “run out the clock to win this game” (just one 58-minute drive should do it!) I wasn’t upset.

But when color commentator Gary Danielson complimented Tennessee QB Jonathan Crompton’s “eye vision” in the second quarter, I couldn’t take it any more. Eye vision? Instead of his ear vision? Or the blimp vision? Or maybe his eye feeling?

That’s just dumb stupid.

There are times I’m simply appalled by the actions of the Cowboys on the field, but that doesn’t hold a candle to what they do off the field. Take this new acquisition, for instance: The letters in his name reveal just how evil he is:

Defensive End Igor Olshansky
--- I gore felons and even shy kids ---

“Oh, that’s a stretch,” you say. “These anagrams are forced. Anybody can make up one ridiculous line.”

Defensive End Igor Olshansky
--- I knifed a nosy vender’s legs. Oh! ---

“Fine, you got two,” you say. “That proves nothing.”

Defensive End Igor Olshansky
--- I enslave honkys. God, send fire! ---

Pure evil, I tell you. Pure evil.

As I type at 9 p.m. on Tuesday:

** The Phillies' magic number is 5 (any combination of Phils wins and Braves losses totaling five gives them the division win).
** The Eagles' magic number is 16 (any combination of Eagles wins and Giants losses totaling 16 gives them the division).
** The Flyers' magic number is 83 (any combination of Flyers wins and division opponent's losses totaling 83 gives them the division).
** The Sixers' magic number is 83 (any combination of Sixers wins and division opponent's losses totaling 83 gives them the division).
** The Soul's magic number is one (It'll take a magic act for them to play one more game ever).

Click on the image below to enlarge

Apparently the only thing you need to win this league is a first name of Mike. I’m thinking of picking up Vick just to see if it inspires my team.

Meanwhile, Jim earns the "Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week" award by leaving 41 pts on his bench, but it wasn't without a fight. Neal again managed to start three inactive players (and two others who didn't score a point) and Joel inexplicably forgot to start one of his defensive players.

But hey, everyone makes these mistakes early in the year. The Eagles forgot to come out for the second half on Sunday.

*** I’m three games up on Dad in the weekly picks. The key this week? My pick of the Saints over the Eagles. I’m not proud, but then again neither is a franchise that starts Kevin Kolb and employs Mike Vick, so…

*** New Texas Stadium has a 700-mile long jumbotron (that’s an exaggeration), is as long as the Empire State Building is high (not an exaggeration), boasts padded seats throughout (not an exaggeration) and features cage dancers in the upper rafters (I still can’t believe that one either). As my darling wife just observed, the more you think about Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, the more you think he may be a modern-day Caligula.

*** Heidi has updated her team name to “The Most Interesting Team in the World,” which inspired her interesting players like Devery Henderson, Cedric Benson and Carnell Williams to slip 20 points behind her total last week. But that shouldn’t discourage anyone from updating their team name to better reflect your expectations and dreams for your squad.

For example, since Bob slipped into last place, he volunteered to change his team name to “The Dallas Cowboys” in the hopes that it affects the NFC East standings too. And Anthony has already said he’s planning on changing his team name to “I love Mike Vick XOXOX” after he scores his first TD this weekend.

2009 Fantasy recap, week #1

Now with new and improved graphics!

*** QB Drew Brees is on pace to throw for 5,728 yards and 96 touchdowns (358 yards and 6 TDs on Sunday). That’s 644 more yards and 46 more TDs than the current NFL records.

*** WR Randy Moss is on pace to have 192 catches and 2,256 yards (12 catches for 141 yards on Monday). That’s 49 more catches and 408 more yards than the current NFL records. But, he’s not on pace to catch a single TD all year.

*** S Brian Dawkins is on pace to record 112 solo tackles and 64 more tackle assists this year (7 solo tackles and four assists on Sunday). That would set a new NFL record for pain.

*** The St. Louis Rams are on pace not to score a single point this year (They were shut out by Seattle on Sunday). That would be 37 points less than the current NFL low for team scoring in a year, set by Cincinnati in 1937.

*** QB Donovan McNabb is on pace to break 16 ribs this season. Not to worry – the human body contains 24 ribs, so if they go to the Super Bowl he’ll still have a few left over in February.

QB: Drew Brees, 48.32 pts – started by Jo
RB: Adrian Peterson, 38.20 pts – started by Neal
WR: Reggie Wayne, 27.30 pts – started by Jeff
TE: John Carlson, 24.33 pts – started by Dad
K: Neil Rackers, 12.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Philly, 37.00 pts – started by Dad
D: Osi Umenyiora, 14.00 pts – sitting on the wire

I'm in three different fantasy leagues this year, which I'll admit is one too many. However, as if I'm not getting kicked around enough by you people, I played against Wayne plus the Philly D in one league and Brees plus Rackers in the other.

Needless to say, I already hate everyone.

3rd place: Kevin Kolb, -0.68 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Anthony Fasano, -1.33 pts – started by new Mike
1st place: Jake Delhomme, -5.68 pts – sitting on my bench

I love messy, messy QB days, because it lets me pull out the old tried and true Reverse QB Rating machine.

If you assume Delhomme was playing so the Panthers would win, then he did terrible: five turnovers vs. only 7 completed passes for 73 yards, and a miserable 14.7 QB rating on the day.

But, if you assume that Delhomme was actually playing for the Eagles, then it’s a little brighter. If you include that fumbled TD, Delhomme went 4 for 17 throwing to the Eagles for 47 yards, one TD and seven interceptions, for a Reverse QB Rating of 19.6.

Either way, his performance was so bad it’s still sits below Kolb’s lifetime QB rating of 25.0, in eight appearances with The Birds. But I’m sure Kolb will be fine on Sunday.

During Toledo’s big win over Colorado University last Friday (a better question is "why weren't you watching?") one of the sideline reporters remarked that the Colorado team looked sluggish and slow, possibly because of their short week of practice. Play-by-play guy Ron Franklin was impressed with that analysis:

“Your accuracy is right on. They do look slow.”

You know, I actually paused for a minute when I heard that, thinking back to my accuracy-vs-precision lecture in sophomore year chemistry. Can you have inaccurate accuracy? After a moment, my brain shut down, and the next thing I knew I was standing in the middle of the street without any pants on.

It’s the first week of the season, so I can overlook a lot of mistakes. For example, I’m not even going to mention that both Heidi and Joel left 26 points on their bench. I don’t even think it’s worth pointing out that Jim left 28 points on his bench this week too.

But Neal took bad early season coaching to a new level, managing his team like Jim Tressel facing down a non-conference opponent. He left 21 more points on his bench and started four players who were inactive at kickoff.

Those are quality moves right there. Neal is like a fantasy football Michael Jordan, if Jordan just forgot to show up once the game started.

So now that the infamous T.O. is out of Dallas, who exactly are the wide receivers left behind? I’m glad you asked. Here’s a quick look at their pass catchers, with their anagram biographies:

*** Dallas’ Roy Williams
“I am a sad, silly WR. LOL.”
*** Dallas Cowboys WR Miles Austin
“I’m a cursed stain, lowly slob. Aw.”
*** Dallas wideout Patrick Crayton
“I is a rotten cad, a tacky pull. Word.”

Good looking group of leftovers right there.

Now with new and improved graphics! Click on the standings to see them bigger.

Big surprise there -- Despite six passing TDs for Jo's team and two top performers for Dad, Mike somehow ends up in first place again.

Meanwhile, Anthony finishes week 1 all the way in last, but the consolation prize there is his poor performance is largely due to T.O.'s terrible game on Monday. So at least that's great news.

*** I’m one game up on the weekly picks with Dad. This may be my first lead in our weekly battles since 2003.

*** I can’t say for sure, but I believe that Jimmy Rollins is the Eagles designated emergency QB for this upcoming weekend.

*** Don't know if you heard, but I wasn't the only one upset that Michael Vick gets to wear #7, Ron Jaworski's old jersey. Apparently Jaws complained about it to the Eagles brass, and they told him he'd have to give it up. His new number now? K-9.

Blame that one on my father-in-law -- he had me going for a few minutes with that.

By the way, apparently I'm psychic

I'm getting ready for the weekly fantasy recaps, going through last year's posts, when I came across this one last Sept. 16:

----------------------------------------------
BUY OR SELL
Stock: WR Mike Vick
Trader’s Rec: BUY. It’s only nine months until the Eagles sign him to a free agent contract. Trust me, buy into it early.
----------------------------------------------

No editing there, folks. In fact, I wish I was wrong about it. But if you want to know next week's lottery numbers, just give me a call.

A breakdown of the Phillies record

And why it's so frustrating to follow them this year, despite their seemingly commanding division lead over the last three months.

Fantasy football -- preseason rankings

Nobody picked up Mike Vick in last night’s draft, so we’ll have to do the preseason rankings the old fashioned way: complete guesswork. Here are the predictions:

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Prediction -- 13th place, 1700 pts
What will work: Well, he’s got nowhere to go but up after last year’s last-place finish. So fielding a team is a positive start.
What won’t work: RB Michael Turner carried the ball 15,000 times last year and will get injured in week 1. WR Roy Williams sucks. WR Michael Crabtree isn’t signed yet. And Jeff doesn’t believe in using the waiver wire. Ouch.

Heidi (Heidi)
Prediction -- 12th place, 1705 pts
What will work: Something will, because somehow Heidi’s teams always end up working. Also, I believe this is the 10th year in a row she drafted TE Antonio Gates.
What won’t work: QB Tony Romo with the first pick? TE Jason Whitten in the second? I will be actively rooting against this team the entire year, for obvious reasons.

Suck My Vick (Ant)
Prediction -- 11th place, 1800 pts
What will work: How does Anthony end up with RB LaDanian Tomlinson on his team nearly every year?
What won’t work: Ha! He ended up with T.O. on his team too. That a sure sign of a fire sale – offer him something really crappy now, and he’s bound to trade.

Pick Six Dix (new Mike)
Prediction -- 10th place, 1825 pts
What will work: If this was a non-rookie team I’d have ranked him higher. QB Tom Brady, RB Chris Johnson and WR Wes Welker? That's a good starting trio.
What won’t work: He landed QB Brett Farve, who could easily become a clubhouse cancer. Plus, he’s the new guy. Even if new Mike is doing well, I’ll figure out a way to mess with the scoring so he finishes low.

BetterThanYourTeam (Dad)
Prediction -- 9th place, 1850 pts
What will work: RB Steve Slaton and QB Phillip Rivers? If Dad knew who either of those were, he’d be excited. But he’ll at least recognize WR Larry Fitzgerald.
What won’t work: Dad only has three Eagles on his team, and one of them is S Quintin Demps. I’m betting he dumps half his squad over the weekend to pick up WR Hank Baskett and FB Kyle Eckel.

Palin's Death Panels (Jim)
Prediction -- 8th place, 1889 pts
What will work: Someone explain to me how one of the two non-Eagles fans in the league ended up with RB Brian Westbrook in the draft? You all should be ashamed.
What won’t work: Jim used his first pick to land Westbrook, breaking his long-held strategy of drafting QBs first. The shock to his system alone is enough to throw him off his game all year.

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah (Bobert)
Prediction -- 7th place, 1949 pts
What will work: He’s got a classic NFC East fantasy team. Six of his offensive players are in the division now, two others (QB Kurt Warner and TE Jeremy Shockey) are veterans of it and WR Nate Washington sounds like he should be in there too.
What won’t work: His top WR, Brandon Marshall, is demanding a trade and won’t play. Thanks for the draft help there, Yahoo. You couldn’t fit WR Plaxico Burress in anywhere?

ZombieJacko Comeback (me)
Prediction -- 6th place, 1950 pts
What will work: My first four picks were great – RB Steven Jackson, WR Randy Moss, QB Aaron Rodgers, WR Marques Colston. That’s how you draft a team. Bonus points for getting Dawkins too.
What won’t work: My next four picks were all WR and TEs, and my next RB came in round 13. Apparently, I need to switch names with Paul because this team is nothing but wideouts.

Chase Utley's WFCs (Joanner)
Prediction -- 5th place, 2001 pts
What will work: Wondering where all the good RBs are in this league? Joanna has four of them, plus QB Drew Brees and his 5,000 passing yards last year.
What won’t work: None of her WRs are #1 on their own teams. And she ended up with three TEs, but none of them are really any good. She might as well have picked up TE Brent Celek and called it a day.

Bullets over Burress (Joel)
Prediction -- 4th place, 2020 pts
What will work: He still has the best team name; That counts for something, right? OK, how about RB Matt Forte, QB Jay Cutler, WR Steve Smith and WR Anquan Boldin?
What won’t work: Joel has never finished inside the top five. For him to place this high would be like the Tampa Bay Rays in the World Series, and that’s just a ridiculous thought.

Plaxico's attorney (Neal)
Prediction -- 3rd place, 2072 pts
What will work: QB Donovan McNabb. Sure, he also has RB Adrian Peterson, WR Greg Jennings and TE Chris Cooley, but McNabb could vault his team from mediocre to McNabbulous.
What won’t work: Or McNabb could just throw up all over the place and break a knee.

Bad Newz Iggles (Champ Mike)
Prediction -- 2nd place, 2125 pts
What will work: Mike has won this twice before, so you can’t just judge his team by the draft. But, if you must, RB DeAngelo Williams and WR Calvin Johnson are pretty good signs.
What won’t work: He has WR Vincent Jackson on his team. Every time I get this loser on my team I end up in the bottom half of the standings. He’s the kiss of death. Best of luck with him.

I &lt3 WRs (Paul)
Prediction -- 1st place, 2126 pts
What will work: Could we have another two-time Awesome Cup champ at the end of the year? Despite his team name, Paul has a strong RB corps to go with QB Peyton Manning, WR Roddy White and WR Santana Moss.
What won’t work: He also has two Cowboys on his team. If Paul has any honor, he’ll forfeit immediately.

That's it, kids -- time to get it on. Good luck to everyone, and let's go Broncos!

Advice for the Eagles this week

Click on the picture to enlarge it.