Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Year-end fantasy football recap

     After five long months of fighting, the 2008 “Who Needs Linebackers” fantasy football league is finally finished. Here’s how it all shook out:

Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
PROJECTED FINISH: 1898 pts, 11th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1534.94 pts, 12th place

     The 2005 Awesome Cup Champion barely showed up this year, just like the Lions. He started RB Kevin Smith, just like the Lions. He’s blue, just like the Lions. And he finished in dead last, just like the Lions. But unlike the Lions, it doesn’t guarantee him a good draft pick next year. Our league does not reward failure.

Porkchop Express, Neal
PROJECTED FINISH: 2005 pts, 9th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1647.84 pts, 11th place

     Largely unbeknownst to Neal, Heidi has been angling to destroy his team all season long because she hates the team name. It makes no sense, she says. Hates it. I bring it up because I think it’s the only memory I have of this dreadful team – Blame QB Marc Bulger and a revolving cast of QBs for another lost season.

Favre's In Charge, Joel
PROJECTED FINISH: 2111 pts, 7th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1832.24 pts, 10th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Cleveland Browns

     Every single person on Joel’s team won the final weekend except for two: Rams RB Stephen Jackson and Joel. That run of five weeks under 100 pts midway through the season took all the fight out of him, and a nice finish couldn’t help fix it. To make himself feel better yesterday, Joel fired Browns coach Romeo Crennel.

I <3 WRs, Paul
PROJECTED FINISH: 2077 pts, 8th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1892.94 pts, 9th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Cincinnati Bengals

     Too much inconsistency doomed the 2007 Awesome Cup Champion. But perhaps most disappointing to true Awesome Cup fans is that the trophy’s only visit to Pennsylvania lasted a just single year (yes, Paul is the only PA taxpayer ever to win the cup). Maybe someday a Keystone state resident can reclaim it, but for now all you’ve got within those borders is that little World Series Championship trophy. Such a shame.

Madden hearts NY, Capt. Awesome
PROJECTED FINISH: 2467 pts, 3rd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1990.00 pts, 8th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Green Bay Packers

     Every week I thought “You know, this fantasy team isn’t so bad.” Every week I thought “You know, the Packers are a pretty decent team.” Now, I sit here, looking at the Packers 6-10 finish and my third bottom-half finish in a row, and wonder if I know anything about football at all.
     Wait a minute – I won $50 in my other league. You suckers didn’t get any money for this. I’m clearly the greatest player ever.

Cindy McCain's Botox, Jim
PROJECTED FINISH: 2500 pts, 2nd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2001.36 pts, 7th place

     Jim had both TO and Tony Romo on his team this year, so I have no regrets about finishing a mere 12 points behind him. That’s because I achieved my score with some dignity, without resorting to drafting malcontents and Satanists. Just remember: Jim finished in 7th place, and that is a tragedy. But it happened because he has no code. It happened because he has no honor. And the football gods are watching.

Ice Road Truckers, Dad
PROJECTED FINISH: 2394 pts, 4th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2024.68 pts, 6th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: San Francisco 49ers

     Dad doesn’t really care about where he finished in the league – he’s still devastated about his decision to start 49ers RB DeShaun Foster over Bengals RB Cedric Benson two weeks ago in his other league’s fantasy playoffs. Let this be a cautionary tale to all of you. Three years ago, Dad didn’t even know the Bengals still had RBs, and thought the 49ers had left the league. Now he’s obsessed with garbage-time points from bottom-feeding teams. Warn your parents about the dangers of fantasy football before they learn about it from someone else.

Arena Bowl Champions, Joanna
PROJECTED FINISH: 2154 pts, 6th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2056.28 pts, 5th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Houston Texans

     Hell, for all we know the Texans may be an arena football team. Can you remember any moment this season where you thought about the Texans? Can you guess where they finished? I didn’t think so. So while no-nae players like Lance Moore, Nate Washington, and Oshiomogho Atogwe were all decent pick-ups by Joanna, in the end her team sits in that middle region of mediocrity, a depressing haze which eventually erodes your soul (not to be confused with your Philadelphia Soul, the reigning Arena Bowl Champions.)

Donnie loves Westy, Ant
PROJECTED FINISH: 1988 pts, 10th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2071.83 pts, 4th place

     Ant pulled off a choke job worthy of the Tampa debacle of the last few weeks: He was just two points out of first with two weeks left, and in the final week left a whopping 52.98 pts on his bench. His margin out of first place in the end? Exactly 52.00 pts. So while Donnie and Westy are headed to the post-season, Ant is left wondering what might have been, crying at home like Tony Romo.

Awesomenicity, Heidi
PROJECTED FINISH: 1744 pts, 12th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2101.26 pts, 3rd place
NFL EQUIVALENT: New England Patriots

     It’s a perfect NFL analogy – Heidi had a good season, finished high in the standings, just missed the division title and very obviously cheated again to accomplish all of that. She was already on probation for her steroid use last year, and now she’s under investigation for rooting for TE Jason Whitten during an Eagles/Dallas game this year. I hope the league comes down hard on her – we can’t have this kind of nonsense distracting from the games.

The Moravians, Bob
PROJECTED FINISH: 2501 pts, 1st place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2113.30 pts, 2nd place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Philadelphia Eagles

     Bob was a distant fourth-place resident for weeks before the final week of the season. Kinda reminds me of another team, stuck behind three others in the playoff race going into the final week, needing a miracle to pull ahead, suddenly shocking everyone with an offensive explosion. It was an impressive effort, a triumph of will and luck. Unfortunately, the Bobert/Iggles comparisons end there – despite picking up 67 pts on the leader in the final flurry of games, he fell about 11 pts short of what he needed to claim the title. So that leaves …

The Cougar in Chief, Mike
PROJECTED FINISH: 2204 pts, 5th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2123.83 pts, 1st place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Tennessee Titans

     Like those pesky Titans, Mike quietly dominated the first half of the season, stumbled a bit in the middle, then regrouped with a strong finish. Unlike the Titans, however, Mike already has a championship under his belt.
     Yes, folks, in the league’s seven-year history we’ve seen repeat Awesome Cup winners within a family (Mike and Heidi), we’ve seen repeat winners within a state (Maryland has claimed it four times), we’ve seen repeat teams come back as winners (Blue Collar Killers failed twice before winning), but we’ve never had a two-time Awesome Cup champion until now.
     Mike gets his name etched on the precious trophy in a second ring, establishing him among the greatest this sportish activity has ever seen. Somewhere the deceased greats of yesteryear like Jim Thorpe and Vince Lombardi and Dan Marino and Koy Detmer are nodding their heads in tribute to the accomplishment.

     So congrats to Mike. May your reign as league champion be as short as possible.
     Thanks all for playing, and remember that I update this ridiculous site every week even past football season, whether you read it or not. So keep checking back so I can keep building up my own ego. Someone has to keep alive the spirit of Draftsgiving, after all.


captn awsomesdad said...

Good recap Captn. And to think I was only 99 points behind Mike. I'm going to study up in the off season, so watch out next year. The Eagles game was one of the best I've ever seen. So relaxing and so much fun to watch. BTW, the Phillies still won the World series the last time I checked.

The Champ said...

Captain - Nice performance as Commish this year. Very Bettman-esque. Your leadership helped navigate us through some trouble spots... drug scandals (I still don't trust those Aero Gardens), dog fighting (Otis vs your leg), and Heidi's diva-like Brett Favre imitation (in & out of retirement, then came up a little short in the end).

Capt. Awesome said...

I still think the team names are Mike's secret to success -- you can't beat a team that's inspired by a solid name every year. Kobe Dick? One of the best of all time.