Year-end fantasy football recap

     After five long months of fighting, the 2008 “Who Needs Linebackers” fantasy football league is finally finished. Here’s how it all shook out:


Blue Collar Killers, Jeff
PROJECTED FINISH: 1898 pts, 11th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1534.94 pts, 12th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Detroit Lions

     The 2005 Awesome Cup Champion barely showed up this year, just like the Lions. He started RB Kevin Smith, just like the Lions. He’s blue, just like the Lions. And he finished in dead last, just like the Lions. But unlike the Lions, it doesn’t guarantee him a good draft pick next year. Our league does not reward failure.


Porkchop Express, Neal
PROJECTED FINISH: 2005 pts, 9th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1647.84 pts, 11th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: St. Louis Rams

     Largely unbeknownst to Neal, Heidi has been angling to destroy his team all season long because she hates the team name. It makes no sense, she says. Hates it. I bring it up because I think it’s the only memory I have of this dreadful team – Blame QB Marc Bulger and a revolving cast of QBs for another lost season.


Favre's In Charge, Joel
PROJECTED FINISH: 2111 pts, 7th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1832.24 pts, 10th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Cleveland Browns

     Every single person on Joel’s team won the final weekend except for two: Rams RB Stephen Jackson and Joel. That run of five weeks under 100 pts midway through the season took all the fight out of him, and a nice finish couldn’t help fix it. To make himself feel better yesterday, Joel fired Browns coach Romeo Crennel.


I <3 WRs, Paul
PROJECTED FINISH: 2077 pts, 8th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1892.94 pts, 9th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Cincinnati Bengals

     Too much inconsistency doomed the 2007 Awesome Cup Champion. But perhaps most disappointing to true Awesome Cup fans is that the trophy’s only visit to Pennsylvania lasted a just single year (yes, Paul is the only PA taxpayer ever to win the cup). Maybe someday a Keystone state resident can reclaim it, but for now all you’ve got within those borders is that little World Series Championship trophy. Such a shame.


Madden hearts NY, Capt. Awesome
PROJECTED FINISH: 2467 pts, 3rd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1990.00 pts, 8th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Green Bay Packers

     Every week I thought “You know, this fantasy team isn’t so bad.” Every week I thought “You know, the Packers are a pretty decent team.” Now, I sit here, looking at the Packers 6-10 finish and my third bottom-half finish in a row, and wonder if I know anything about football at all.
     Wait a minute – I won $50 in my other league. You suckers didn’t get any money for this. I’m clearly the greatest player ever.


Cindy McCain's Botox, Jim
PROJECTED FINISH: 2500 pts, 2nd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2001.36 pts, 7th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Buffalo Bills

     Jim had both TO and Tony Romo on his team this year, so I have no regrets about finishing a mere 12 points behind him. That’s because I achieved my score with some dignity, without resorting to drafting malcontents and Satanists. Just remember: Jim finished in 7th place, and that is a tragedy. But it happened because he has no code. It happened because he has no honor. And the football gods are watching.


Ice Road Truckers, Dad
PROJECTED FINISH: 2394 pts, 4th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2024.68 pts, 6th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: San Francisco 49ers

     Dad doesn’t really care about where he finished in the league – he’s still devastated about his decision to start 49ers RB DeShaun Foster over Bengals RB Cedric Benson two weeks ago in his other league’s fantasy playoffs. Let this be a cautionary tale to all of you. Three years ago, Dad didn’t even know the Bengals still had RBs, and thought the 49ers had left the league. Now he’s obsessed with garbage-time points from bottom-feeding teams. Warn your parents about the dangers of fantasy football before they learn about it from someone else.


Arena Bowl Champions, Joanna
PROJECTED FINISH: 2154 pts, 6th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2056.28 pts, 5th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Houston Texans

     Hell, for all we know the Texans may be an arena football team. Can you remember any moment this season where you thought about the Texans? Can you guess where they finished? I didn’t think so. So while no-nae players like Lance Moore, Nate Washington, and Oshiomogho Atogwe were all decent pick-ups by Joanna, in the end her team sits in that middle region of mediocrity, a depressing haze which eventually erodes your soul (not to be confused with your Philadelphia Soul, the reigning Arena Bowl Champions.)


Donnie loves Westy, Ant
PROJECTED FINISH: 1988 pts, 10th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2071.83 pts, 4th place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Tampa Bay Bucs

     Ant pulled off a choke job worthy of the Tampa debacle of the last few weeks: He was just two points out of first with two weeks left, and in the final week left a whopping 52.98 pts on his bench. His margin out of first place in the end? Exactly 52.00 pts. So while Donnie and Westy are headed to the post-season, Ant is left wondering what might have been, crying at home like Tony Romo.


Awesomenicity, Heidi
PROJECTED FINISH: 1744 pts, 12th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2101.26 pts, 3rd place
NFL EQUIVALENT: New England Patriots

     It’s a perfect NFL analogy – Heidi had a good season, finished high in the standings, just missed the division title and very obviously cheated again to accomplish all of that. She was already on probation for her steroid use last year, and now she’s under investigation for rooting for TE Jason Whitten during an Eagles/Dallas game this year. I hope the league comes down hard on her – we can’t have this kind of nonsense distracting from the games.


The Moravians, Bob
PROJECTED FINISH: 2501 pts, 1st place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2113.30 pts, 2nd place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Philadelphia Eagles

     Bob was a distant fourth-place resident for weeks before the final week of the season. Kinda reminds me of another team, stuck behind three others in the playoff race going into the final week, needing a miracle to pull ahead, suddenly shocking everyone with an offensive explosion. It was an impressive effort, a triumph of will and luck. Unfortunately, the Bobert/Iggles comparisons end there – despite picking up 67 pts on the leader in the final flurry of games, he fell about 11 pts short of what he needed to claim the title. So that leaves …


The Cougar in Chief, Mike
PROJECTED FINISH: 2204 pts, 5th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2123.83 pts, 1st place
NFL EQUIVALENT: Tennessee Titans

     Like those pesky Titans, Mike quietly dominated the first half of the season, stumbled a bit in the middle, then regrouped with a strong finish. Unlike the Titans, however, Mike already has a championship under his belt.
     Yes, folks, in the league’s seven-year history we’ve seen repeat Awesome Cup winners within a family (Mike and Heidi), we’ve seen repeat winners within a state (Maryland has claimed it four times), we’ve seen repeat teams come back as winners (Blue Collar Killers failed twice before winning), but we’ve never had a two-time Awesome Cup champion until now.
     Mike gets his name etched on the precious trophy in a second ring, establishing him among the greatest this sportish activity has ever seen. Somewhere the deceased greats of yesteryear like Jim Thorpe and Vince Lombardi and Dan Marino and Koy Detmer are nodding their heads in tribute to the accomplishment.



     So congrats to Mike. May your reign as league champion be as short as possible.
     Thanks all for playing, and remember that I update this ridiculous site every week even past football season, whether you read it or not. So keep checking back so I can keep building up my own ego. Someone has to keep alive the spirit of Draftsgiving, after all.

Fantasy recap week #17

44 reasons yesterday was
the perfect sports ending to 2008



Reason 1 –
     It didn’t change the fact the Phillies still won the World Series.
Reason 2 –
     It marked the first time all four major sports teams made the playoffs in the same year since 1981.
Reason 3 –
     The Eagles were 3 for 3 in the red zone … and 2 for 2 scoring TDs when the Cowboys were in the red zone.
Reasons 4 to 10 –
     One for each of the turnovers Tony Romo has had in the last two December games against the Iggles (7)
Reason 11 –
     World Series Champion Jimmy Rollins was at the game to cheer on the Birds.
Reason 12 –
     Eagles backup QB Kevin Kolb was not allowed to attempt a pass in the game, but Dallas backup QB Brooks Bollinger was.
Reason 13 –
     You know somewhere Jaws was still saying, “Yeah, but the Soul won the Arena Bowl.”
Reasons 14 to 19 –
     One each for the number of years it has been since T.O. appeared in a playoff win (6)
Reason 20 –
     Brian Dawkins.
Reasons 21 to 28 –
     One for each point from fumble #1 that was returned for a TD.(7)
Reasons 28 to 35 –
     One for each point from fumble #2 that was returned for a TD (7)
Reasons 36 to 43 –
     One for each TD McNabb has thrown in the last three home games (8)
Reason 44 –
     All that happened against Dallas.




Top performers for the year,
drafted players



QB: Drew Brees, 371.66 pts – Bob (round 4)
RB: DeAngelo Williams, 304.57 pts – Ant (round 12)
WR: Andre Johnson, 269.50 pts – Bob (round 2)
TE: Tony Gonzalez, 227.03 pts – Neal (round 5)
K: Stephen Gostkowski, 159.50 pts – Mike (round 10)
D: Josh Wilson, 96.06 pts – Heidi (round 11)
DEF: Baltimore, 239.00 pts – Bob (round 11)
     Nice work by our sophomore star Bob, who clearly has mastered the art of Yahoo’s intricate draft process. I believe the prevailing strategies are “don’t change anything” and “move Eagles up in the rankings” but beyond that I don’t think we’ve had a successful model to build on. Maybe Bob will sell you his secrets next year.
     And for the record, Ant had the first pick, blew it on Westy (the 9th best RB) and still somehow ended up with the best RB for the year. That’s not fair.




Top performers for the year,
undrafted players



QB: Matt Cassel, 287.72 pts – Heidi (Oct. 25 pick-up)
RB: Steve Slaton, 259.83 pts – Mike (Aug. 31 pick-up)
WR: Eddie Royal, 212.53 pts – Dad (Sep. 9 pick-up)
TE: Chris Cooley, 142.10 pts – Dad (Sep. 23 pick-up)
K: John Carney, 150.00 pts-- Jeff (Oct. 28 pick-up)
D: James Harrison, 83.00 pts – Heidi (Sep. 20 pick-up)
DEF: New York Jets, 178.00 pts – Mike (Nov. 5 pick-up)
     Heidi drafted the best defensive player on the year, cut him almost immediately, then picked up the second best guy. I’m not sure I agree with the strategy, but you can’t argue with results.




Worst Performers for the year,
all players




3rd place: Jordan Palmer, -1.96 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Kevin Kolb, -2.04 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Bruce Gradkowski, -4.76 pts – sitting on the wire
     Gradkowski managed to steal the title of worst fantasy player of the year from Kolb on the last day of the season, throwing two picks and no touchdowns in only his second appearance of the year. But in those games he posted an impressively awful 2.8 QB rating, far worse than Kolb’s 21.8 rating over six appearances.
     For comparison’s sake, Bucs QB Luke McCown attempted one pass this year, saw it fall incomplete, and posted a 39.6 QB rating.
     But Kolb still does hold the title of the worst performance by a first-day draft pick for the year (Kolb was a second rounder, Gradkowski and Palmer were sixth rounders) and is the only one of the five worst players of the year who gets to go to the playoffs. So maybe he can still push down those lofty numbers.




Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week Award




     So many options this week … Cowboys coach Wade Phillips elects to kick a FG while trailing 44-3 … Bucs coach John Gruden can’t beat the Raiders to get in the playoffs … Denver coach Mike Shanahan loses his last four games to miss the playoffs … Detroit coach Rod Marinelli declares his 0-16 team “the worst ever,” in case we all couldn’t figure it out…
     Aw, heck, let’s just give it to the Mets coaching staff again for that choke job. I just can’t get enough of it.




Stupidest thing I heard this week




     Joe Buck, at the end of Sunday’s broadcast: “The Eagles didn’t just win the game. They won.”
     I’m not missing a word or phrase or anything there. That’s exactly what he said.
     I also double checked the dictionary to make sure “win” and “won” don’t have drastically different meanings, but that didn’t help explain it either.
     So Joe Buck and his funny-shaped head didn’t just win the stupidest comment of the week. He also won it.




Cowboys anagram insult of the week




     I told you last week the anagrams spelled out that the cowpokes wouldn’t make the playoffs. And “Dallas Cowboys Offensive Guard Montrae Holland” didn’t even get to play in Sunday’s loss to the Eagles, but I think his name spoke volumes about exactly what happened on the field:
** D’oh! Lads flog ole boastful caravan, deny more wins.
     I can’t think of a more perfect way to end this year’s anagrams than that. Wait, maybe I can…. Care to take another ride, Montrae?
** A dull envy -- It be golf season now for drama clods. Ha!
     There we go. See you again next season, losers.




Our standings so far




    Coming tomorrow – The full 2008 league wrap-up. Do we have a repeat winner? Did a last-second dark horse overtake the top spot? Can Jeff avoid being compared to the 0-16 Lions?
    Sure, you could just go look up the league standings, but what fun would that be?

Fantasy recap week #16

You think your team sucks




     A quick timeline of what has happened since the Lions last won a game:

-- The Eagles have won 10 games (and tied one more!)
-- The Philadelphia Soul won a world championship and went out of business.
-- The Sixers made the playoffs, signed Elton Brand and injured him.
-- The Flyers won 45 games and two playoff series.
-- The Philadelphia Phillies won 101 games and the World Series.

     By the way, those last three items could all happen again before the Lions win their next game…







Top performers



QB: Phillip Rivers, 35.18 pts – started by Jim
RB: DeAngelo Williams, 34.80 pts – started by Ant
WR: Marques Colston, 27.60 pts – started by Bob
TE: Visanthe Shiancoe, 28.07 pts – sitting on the wire
K: Stephen Gostkowski, 17.00 pts – started by Mike
D: Jason Jones, 15.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Cincinnati, 32.00 pts – sitting on the wire
     Fun fact: The Bengals defensive total this week was more than their combined total for the last eight weeks (28 pts) and more than half of what the Detroit defense has recorded all year (60 pts).







Worst Performers,
Cleveland players edition



3rd place: Jerome Harrison, -0.10 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Bruce Gradkowski, -1.68 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Ken Dorsey, -3.28 pts – sitting on the wire
     This week’s 14-0 embarrassment at the hands of the Bengals saw Browns QBs Gradkowski and Dorsey turn in a joint performance that rivaled the Eagles-Ravens game earlier this year. Consider:

-- The Browns QBs threw four picks combined and no TDs (Kolb and McNabb had four INTs, one fumble and no TDs).
-- The Browns QBs threw for 76 yards to their team but 87 yards to the Bengals DBs (The Eagles QBs threw for 132 yards and saw 163 return yards).
-- The Browns QBs posted QB ratings of 28.2 and 8.3 (McNabb had a 13.2 rating, Kolb a 15.3).

     But at least the Eagles loss came at the hands of the Ravens, a playoff bound team. Getting shut out by the Bengals? I can’t think of anything worse than squaring off against Cincinnati and not getting a win.
     Well, maybe one thing…







Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week Award



     In their season-ending loss to the Maryland Racial Slurs on Sunday (yeah, it’s over) the Eagles faced 14 third downs, one fourth down they opted to try and convert, and a last-second second down play to end the game. Here’s how they broke down:

-- They converted 4 of the 16, including the fourth down (all passes);
-- Five of the 12 failed plays were incomplete passes or sacks;
-- One of the 12 failed plays was a run (five yards on 3rd and nine)
-- The remaining 6 were pass plays short of the first-down marker, including the game-ending pass at the one-inch line.

     So to recap: Faced with critical, game-changing moments, nearly 40 percent of the time Andy Reid drew up pass plays designed to fail. And that’s assuming those other five incompletes were all past the first-down marker.
     Late in the fourth, as the Eagles were struggling to complete a pass, Fox commentator Troy Aikman said he wasn’t surprised that Reid kept ignoring the running game. “When you get in trouble you go back to what you’re comfortable with, and in Andy Reid’s case that means…”
     He said “passing the ball” but I immediately thought of “sucking.”







Stupidest thing I heard this week



     Before Sunday’s games started, Chris Berman told me the Tampa Bay Bucs would not win if their defense didn’t tackle San Diego’s quick RBs and WRs. They even put a graphic at the bottom of the page: “IF TAMPA CAN’T TACKLE THE CHARGERS WILL WIN THE GAME.”
     Sure enough, the Bucs recorded zero tackles in their 41-24 loss.







Top news of the week



    I’m sure you were all shocked to see all the stories about the Seahawks fans pelting the Jets with snowballs on Sunday, and the Patriots fans tossing snowballs at the woeful Cardinals on Sunday afternoon, and the Giants fans throwing snowballs at the Panthers’ team on Sunday night. All of this coming on the heels of Notre Dame fans chucking iceballs at their own players --- it really speaks to the current state of sports.
    Wait, you didn’t hear about any of that? Was there a more tragic snowball story I’ve forgotten about?
    Oh, that’s right – Nothing says more about how rowdy a fan base is than a 40-year-old incident. I’m glad we don’t see that kind of behavior anymore.







Cowboys anagram insult of the week



     Will the Cowboys make the playoffs?
     Short answer? No.
     Long answer? “Dallas Cowboys Offensive Tackle Pat McQuistan” has that spelled out for you:
     ** A setback: Clown team quits. No playoffs, evil cads!
     You have no idea how tough it is to get the word “playoffs” into one of these things.







Our standings so far



1st place: Cougar in Chief, Mike – 2021.92 pts
2nd place: Donnie loves Westy, Ant – 1989.99 pts
3rd place: Awesomenicity, Heidi –1987.15 pts
     And just like that Mike is way ahead again, cruising into the finish with his eyes on the Awesome Cup. Ant or Heidi will need a big final week to overtake the Cougar in Chief, and Bob could still manage an upset with a giant performance by Drew Brees and Willie Parker (but don’t hold your breath).
     Meanwhile, everyone else is playing for pride. Remember, finishing ahead of me gives you the right to taunt me at Draftsgiving. Finishing behind me means taunts in your direction until July.







News and notes



-- Last week, kids. All the games are on Sunday. Let’s make it a good one.
-- Remember, whatever happens, the Phils are still World Series Champions. If you need it on Sunday I have all sorts of recordings and paraphernalia to prove it.

Fantasy recap week #15

Time to play everyone’s favorite game




     Think you know the NFL? See if you can determine which of the names below are 2008 Pro-Bowlers, and which are deranged maniacs from Lethal Weapon 2:

Andre Gurode: Pro Bowl or psycho?
Adolph Vorstedt: Pro Bowl or psycho?
Brendon Ayanbadejo: Pro Bowl or psycho?
Roger Murtaugh: Pro Bowl or psycho?
Arjen Rudd: Pro Bowl or psycho?
Nnamdi Asomugha: Pro Bowl or psycho?
Nick Mangold: Pro Bowl or psycho?
Terrell Owens: Pro Bowl or psycho?

     OK, so TO isn’t a movie character. But he’s certainly a deranged psycho, and he’s not listed on the Pro Bowl squad…





Top performers



QB: Matt Cassel, 32.52 pts – sitting on Heidi’s bench
RB: Pierre Thomas, 32.89 pts – sitting on Paul’s bench
WR: Andre Johnson, 30.80 pts – started by Bob
TE: Dallas Clark, 27.47 pts – started by Jim
K (tie): Rob Bironas, 14.00 pts – started by Bob
K (tie): John Kasay, 14.00 pts – sitting on Ant’s bench
D: Brandon McDonald, 14.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Philadelphia, 22.00 pts – started by Jo
     It’s not often that the top defensive player is the guy who played opposite the top defense on the week, but McDonald (the Browns CB) managed six tackles, three pass defenses, two picks and a TD in Monday night’s game. And his team lost by 20, so thanks for your efforts.
     Meanwhile, Vikings coach Brad Childress would like you to know that while Tavaris Jackson was not the top QB this week (4 TDs, 30.82 fantasy pts) he was better than the QB you decided to start this week. So there.





Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week Award



     The race for last place in the league has never been more exciting.
     Neal is doing everything he can to race towards the bottom and win the season-ending comparison to the Detroit Lions; This week, he started three players who didn’t register a point and left 28 points on his bench.
     But his efforts pale in comparison to the master, the man for whom we briefly had to rename this award. Jeff hasn’t started a defensive player since October, started two players who registered no points, and left 29 more on his bench this week en route to the worst weekly total so far: 57.99 pts. If it weren’t for the Lions Kevin Smith and his 21-point week, Jeff might not have cracked 50.
     Jeff now sits in last place 80 points below Neal (who sits 120 points behind 10th place). Start the victory parade now.
     For the record, Paul left 46 pts on his bench this week and didn’t even get mentioned for the bad coach award. Until now, of course.





Worst Performers, crappy backups edition



3rd place: Tony Scheffler, -0.10 pts – started by Paul
2nd place: Derek Stanley, -1.22 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Kevin Kolb, -2.20 pts – sitting on the wire
     Oh, Kevin Kolb, when won’t you be among the worst players of the week? Kolb makes his third appearance in the toilet this week after yet another dreadful mop-up performance last night.
     On the season, Kolb has a 21.8 QB rating with 144 yards passing, four picks and no TDs. In fact, if you figure out his stats as if he were throwing to the other team, he’d have 132 passing yards, 17 INTs but two TDs, giving him a reserve QB rating of 23.3.
     So Kolb is actually doing more to help the other team win than to help the Eagles. No question he’s the QB of the future – a very cold, dreary future.





Stupidest thing I heard this week



     On ESPN’s NHL ticker Saturday afternoon:
     DET: Chelios -- game time decision (broken leg)
     I’m not a doctor, but I would guess the guy with a broken leg isn’t going to be able to work ice skates tonight.





A public service announcement



    From the NFL rule book regarding the field and field boundaries:
    ** The goal line is actually in the end zone. A player with the ball in his possession scores a touchdown when the ball is on, above, or over the goal line. **
    So next time hold onto the ball until after you cross the goal line. Are we clear? HOLD ONTO THE BALL UNTIL YOU CROSS THE GOAL LINE.
    Thanks for your cooperation.





Cowboys anagram insult of the week



     Sometimes I stare at the Cowboys roster and just know it represents the absence of all things good and pure. Take, for example, “Dallas linebacker Steve Octavien” and the obvious message therein:
     ** Tie-clad rascal evokes an evil bent
     Never trust people wearing ties. Never.





Our standings so far



1st place: Cougar in Chief, Mike – 1889.86 pts
2nd place: Donnie loves Westy, Ant – 1887.93 pts
3rd place: Awesomenicity, Heidi –1867.90 pts
     This is getting good.
     A mere two points separate first and second place, another 20 separate second and third, and Bob is just another 32 points behind Heidi. Much like the Iggles playoff chances, this one is going to come down to the final week.





News and notes



-- There’s a Thursday night game and a Saturday night game this weekend. Please take all appropriate precautions.
-- The Phils still won the World Series, by the way.

Fantasy recap week #14

Getting ahead of ourselves



     How the Eagles can clinch a playoff berth:

-- If they win their last three games
** Atlanta needs to lose 1 of its last 3 (vs TB, MIN or STL), or
** Tampa needs to lost 2 of its last 3 (vs ATL, SD, or OAK), or
** Carolina needs to lose its last 3 (vs DEN, NYG, and NO)
-- If they win only two of their last three
** They must win the DAL and WAS games, and
** Dallas must lose 1 more (vs NYG or BAL), and
** The Bears must lose 1 of their last 3 (NO, GB or HOU), and
** Atlanta needs to lose two, or Tampa needs to lose three.
-- If they win only one of their last three
** The NFL needs to expand to 10 playoff teams per league.


     If you think that’s complicated, try figuring out how the Racial Slurs can still make the playoffs.




Top performers



QB: Seneca Wallace, 29.18 pts – sitting on the wire
RB: Brian Westbrook, 35.90 pts – started by Ant
WR: Antonio Bryant, 34.33 pts – started by Paul
TE: John Carlson, 18.60 pts – sitting on the wire
K: Stephen Gotkowski, 13.50 pts – started by Mike
D: Ed Reed, 16.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Indy, 29.00 pts – started by Jim
     Second big week in a row for Westbrook (and Ant) but the big story was Bryant, who knocked me out of the fantasy playoffs in my other league. It truly was the biggest surprise of the week, considering how dominating my team has been.
     On the more predictable scale, backup QB Seneca Wallace of the 2-11 Seahwaks was the best passer in the NFL this weekend.





Worst Performers, "Everybody Sucks" edition



3rd place: Mario Manningham, -1.20 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Jacoby Jones, -1.60 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place: Jamarcus Russell, -3.28 pts – sitting on the wire
     Russell posted an even worse game than McNabb’s performance in Baltimore last month – 68 yards passing, two interceptions and a fumble. On the positive side, he was injured and left the game before things could get worse.





Rose Bowl Preview


     Pick the more highly regarded college football team!

Team A – 11-1 record
Resume: Three wins against top 25 teams (one top 20), one loss to a top-25 team; 37.5 pts per game.

Team B – 11-1 record
Resume: Three wins against top 25 teams (two top 20), one loss to an unranked team; 40.2 pts per game.

Team C – 12-1 record
Resume: Five wins against top 25 teams (four top 20); one loss to a top-25 team; 54 pts per game.

     So explain to me why USC (Team A) is a easy 10-point favorite against Penn State (Team B) and why everyone seems to think USC deserves a slot in the title game more than Oklahoma (Team C)?
     Oh, that’s right – East Coast bias. I forgot.




Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week Award/Stupidest thing I read this week


     ALLEN PARK, Mich. (AP) — Detroit Lions coach Rod Marinelli insists he still believes in his team despite their winless record.
     "I believe in the invisible," Marinelli said Monday. "I think you go on and you have faith in what you do. If you don't have it, you're nothing. You're not a man."
     Dude is 0-13 this year, with games against the Colts, Saints and Packers. Maybe he should start believing in the very visible, terrible team in front of him.





Cowboys anagram insult of the week



     Dallas’ back-up tight ends were heavily involved in Sunday’s game against Pittsburgh, but in the locker room afterwards “Dallas TE Martellus Bennett” spelled out where he really stood:
     ** Tall, nude tart smells beaten **
     He probably smelled sweaty too, but that’s not as funny.




Our standings so far



1st place: Donnie loves Westy, Ant – 1766.64 pts
2nd place: Cougar in Chief, Mike –1762.09 pts
3rd place Awesomenicity, Heidi –1737.45 pts
     Holy crap, somebody knocked the Doyles out of the top spot. Three weeks ago it looked like the Awesome Cup would have its first repeat champion. Now, Ant and his Eagle-laden lineup are just three weeks away from the sweet nectar of victory.
     Bob is in fourth place, just 61 pts behind Anthony. Everybody else looks like they’re playing only for pride.





News and notes



-- We saw a good amount of Phillies hats and Shane Victorino shirts in Hawaii this week, but most of the Japanese tourists were still wearing Yankees hats. Losers.
-- They still won the World Series, by the way.

Fantasy recap week #13

Time for everyone’s favorite game



     How well do you know the NFL? Pick out which of these players have completed a pass for the 0-12 Detroit Lions this year:

-- QB Daunte Culpepper: Lion or lying?
-- QB John Kitna: Lion or lying?
-- QB Tim Rattay: Lion or lying?
-- QB Drew Henson: Lion or lying?
-- QB Drew Staton: Lion or lying?
-- WR Calvin Johnson: Lion or lying?
-- QB Dan Orlovsky: Lion or lying?
-- QB Joey Harrington: Lion or lying?

     Bonus point if you can name the only one to post a QB rating over 100 for the season. Give up? So did they!



Top performers



QB: Donovan McNabb, 36.80 pts – started by Ant
RB: Brian Westbrook, 39.33 pts – started by Ant
WR: Mark Clayton, 29.21 – sitting on the wire
TE: Jason Whitten, 22.67 pts – started by Heidi
K: Rob Bironas, 21.00 pts – started by Bob
D: Dave Ball, 13.50 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Indy, 33.00 pts – sitting on Jim’s bench
     Anthony also started the second- and third-best RBs on the week (DeAngelo Williams at 35.13 pts and Thomas Jones at 29.20 pts) en route to our highest point total this year, 192.23. More on that in the standings below.



Worst Performers, Backup QBs edition



3rd place: Kevin Kolb, -0.30 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd place: Matt Cassel, -0.64 pts – sitting on Heidi’s bench
1st place (tie): Ken Dorsey, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire
1st place (tie): Jordan Palmer, -2.00 pts – sitting on the wire
     Second week in a row Kolb managed negative points (-3 rushing yards and no completions in his one series on Thanksgiving.) For the year he’s actually worth 0.36 pts (with 144 passing yards, six rushing yards and three INTs) which puts him in 63rd place in the league, just behind Tom Brady (who played about five minutes this season).



Andy Reid Blown Call of the Week Award



     Here’s a quick recap of WR Plaxico Burress’ year so far:

-- Sept. 3: Signs a new five-year, $35 million contract with the G-men.
-- Sept. 4-14: Posts 15 catches, 214 yards in the Giants first two games.
-- Sept. 24: Suspended one game for skipping practice.
-- Oct. 19-Nov. 16: Posts 13 catches, 137 yards over a five-game span.
-- Nov. 18: Suffers a hamstring injury, misses two games.
-- Nov. 28: Shoots himself in the leg, faces a possible three years in jail.

     So the Giants’ front office gets the prize this week, for their impeccable ability to judge talent and character. Seems like that was money well spent.



Stupidest thing I heard this week



     After the tribute to Safety Sean Taylor before the Giants/Racial Slurs game, Fox commentator Daryl Johnson said Eli Manning and his crew were in for a tough start: “With all the emotion on the field and in the stands here, I don’t know how the Giants are going to be able to hold it together against this team.”
     He was right – it took the Giants seven whole plays to score their first touchdown, and after 12 minutes they were only up 10-0. I don’t know why they bothered to show up.
     Idiot.



Greatest football game ever



    Don’t know how I missed this last week – here’s the top fantasy performers from the Division II playoff game Nov. 22 where Abilene Christian University beat West Texas A&M by a 93-68 score:
-- WTAM QB Keith Null: 595 pass yds, 7 TDs; -13 rush yds
    ** (64.5 fantasy points)
-- ACU RB Bernard Scott: 292 rush yds; 3 catches, 61 yds; 7 TDs
    ** (80.3 fantasy points)
-- WTAM WR Charly Martin: 14 catches, 323 yds, 5 TDs
    ** (76.3 fantasy points)
-- WTAM K James Chandler: 2 FGs, 8 XPs
    ** (14.0 fantasy points)
-- ACU Defense: 68 pts allowed, 1 fumble, 1 sack
    ** (-3.00 fantasy points)
    In all the game had 1,531 yards of offense and only one turnover.
    And so you don’t have to look it up, the all-time scoring record is still a 1916 game where Georgia Tech beat Cumberland 222-0. Tech had 1,650 yards rushing in the game and never attempted a pass; Cumberland had -82 yards of total offense.



Cowboys anagram insult of the week



     Dallas lost their punter earlier this season, and now their backup is 27th in the league in punting average. That’s not good, but the team should have seen it coming after carefully examining “Cowboys rookie punter Sam Paulescu.”
     ** Our pious replacement way sucks. Boo!
     I don’t know what dude’s religious beliefs have to do with his punting, but apparently the Cowpokes see a connection. That’s just the kind of people they are.



Our standings so far



1st place: Cougar in Chief, Mike – 1645.49 pts
2nd place: Awesomenicity, Heidi – 1624.28 pts
3rd place: Donnie loves Westy, Ant – 1609.00 pts
     Ant’s surge coupled with a so-so week for Mike opens up the race for first place again. Six teams are within 100 pts of the leader, and if Westbrook scores four TDs every week Ant could overtake the top spot quickly.
     Meanwhile, with his 76-point performance this week Neal has now posted four of the six worst weekly scores, and yet somehow still leads Jeff by 51 pts. But if both can post 300 pts this weekend they’ll be right back in it.



News and notes



-- I’ll be doing advance scouting for the Pro Bowl this weekend, so I’m not even bothering to get worried about the Giants game.
-- The Phils are still world champs, by the way.