Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 3 recap

Forget the result of Sunday’s game — it’s clear the Eagles have a serious coaching problem, and there is only one logical solution.

Through three games this season, Nick Sirianni’s coaching decisions have directly resulted in four missed field goal opportunities and twice unnecessarily handed the ball to the opposing team with a chance to surrender the lead. His moves have already cost the Eagles one-third of their games. In a division that might be decided by a single victory, that kind of leadership is unforgivable.

Meanwhile, Eagles management (and fans) believe that the team has championship-caliber talent, but it isn’t being used correctly on the field. With multiple track stars on offense, why is the team constantly running TE screen plays? Why has QB Jalen Hurt regressed severely over the last 20 games? Why doesn’t this team beat up on lesser teams anymore?

The answer, of course, is poor coaching. And there’s already a known way to address that in Philadelphia. It’s a big move, but we all know deep down it’s the right one.

It’s time to fire Nick Sirianni mid-season and hire Rob Thomson to get this team to the Super Bowl.

Look, I hear what you’re saying. “But Thomson doesn’t know football. You can’t put him in here.” Wrong. Thomson, whose team won the NL East this week, knows how pro players think. He rejuvenated a locker room full of struggling stars and inspired a fan base. He has taken his team to the playoffs three straight years. He knows how to win and how to use the talent around him.

“But Rob Thomson already has a job. He can’t do both.” Wrong again. The Phillies wrap up their season this week. They have already won the NL East. That final series against the Natinals isn’t important. Thomson can start with the game against Tampa this week, while the Phillies are coasting. Then the Eagles have a week 5 bye, just as the Phillies are starting the division series. Sure, there may be a game in late October where Thomson has to decide which team he’ll oversee, but that’s what assistant coaches are for. It’s a minimal inconvenience for a big payoff.

“But Thomson doesn’t want the job. This is just ridiculous.” Gawd, do you ever get sick of listening to yourself being so wrong? When Thomson signed a one-year extension last December, he said he wanted to coach as long as Philadelphia wants him here. He didn’t say “only if the Phillies want me.” He’s a team player and a team motivator. He’s gonna do what Philadelphia needs him to do. He’s the hero we need, not the hero we deserve.

For the good of the city, I expect Sirianni’s resignation by Wednesday and for Thomson to walk across the street after the Cubs’ series ends Wednesday night.

QB: Josh Allen, 38.92 pts — started by Dad
WR: Jauan Jennings, 35.17 pts — on the wire
RB: Saquon Barkley, 31.30 pts — started by me
TE: Cole Kmet, 17.47 pts — on the wire
K: Wil Lutz, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Green Bay, 22.00 pts — started by Sam
D: Jaire Alexander, 10.50 pts — on the wire

Just how improbable was Jennings’ posting the top wideout score of the week? He had 11 catches for 175 yds and three TDs in the 49ers loss to the Rams on Sunday. Last season, he had 19 catches for 265 yds and one TD. That’s 31.17 fantasy points for all of 2023. He beat that in four quarters on Sunday. It helps when every other player on the 49ers offense is out…

Through three weeks, Allen is the highest scoring QB in all of fantasy. But in second place? That’s the legendary passer Sam Darnold, whose Minnesota Vikings are 3-0. He has thrown eight TDs this year, after tossing nine over the last two years combined. And Sunday’s win brings his career record up to 24-35. Go figure.

“Getting defensive” edition

3rd place: Washington, -1.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Dallas, -3.00 pts — on Ant’s bench

1st place: (tie) Las Vegas, -4.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: (tie) Jacksonville, -4.00 pts — on my bench

1st place: (tie) Cincinnati, -4.00 pts — started by Jeff  

Second week in a row that the Dallas defense was worth negative points. Last year they were the top ranked defense with 189 fantasy points. They’ll have to average almost 13 points a game to match that total over the back half of the season

On the season, the Dallas defense is ranked 27th out of 32 teams, just one point ahead of the Panthers (who have the same record as the Cowboys, for those keeping score at home). The Raiders beat the Ravens last week but lost to the Panthers this week. The Cowboys lost to the Ravens this week. Therefore, by the transitive properties of sports, the Cowboys are actually worse than the Panthers. Too bad they managed to squeak out a win against the Browns in week 1.


** At halftime of the Thursday night game, Amazon host Charissa Thompson welcomed the viewing audience with this:

“It has been a dream half for New York tonight — Aaron Rodgers throws his first TD as a Jet and his team leads 14-3.”

Ignoring the fact that the game took place in New Jersey and not New York … is that really a “dream” half? The Patriots totaled 40 yds of offense and the Jets led them by just 11 pts (and had missed a last-minute FG just a few seconds earlier.) Rodgers’ passer rating for the half was 116.7, which is great, but not really dreamlike. He was 40 points away from being perfect.

Maybe Charissa just has much calmer dreams than the rest of us? Or she thought that New York is a concrete jungle where dreams are made eh?

** ESPN had a story Saturday previewing the Cowboys/Ravens game that noted the contest would feature two RBs “closing in on 10,000 yds rushing.” The first, Derrick Henry, entered Sunday needing just 368 yds to reach the mark, and had 151 against the Cowboys. He’ll likely reach the mark before November.

The second, Ezekiel Elliott, came into the game needing 1,040 yds to reach 10K.

That’s not “closing in” on 10,000 yards rushing.

That’s 10 percent short. That’s looking at it far off in the distance. It’s imagining the possibilities of reaching that mark. It’s a hypothetical, not a certainty. Elliot is averaging 21 yds a game this year and has collected 1,095 yds rushing over his last 27 games. At best, the earliest he could reach the mark would be sometime late in 2025, and that’s only if he more than doubles his recent output.

By the way, Elliot had 6 yds rushing on three attempts Sunday, putting him on the verge of 10,000 career rushing yards. Just a mere 1,034 left.

Playoff baseball is on the way next week. And when the NL East champion Phillies come up to bat during the postseason, you may notice something a little different.

MLB officials announced last week that all players’ batting helmets throughout the playoffs will feature an ad from the German apparel company Strauss. The deal is for four years of postseason play, and financial terms were not announced.

Some may call this a short-sighted cash grab, but this move helps expand the opportunities for these struggling sports franchises to finally make some money back. And once these helmet ads become normal, it’s clear what the next steps will be in each league:

** Forehead ads for baseball players — If Taco Bell is going to give everyone a free taco when a player steals a base in the World Series, shouldn’t they get to show off their brand as the player steals the base? Imagine Bryce Harper’s hair flying in the wind, unveiling a large “Live Mas” logo as he slides into second. That’s quality ad spending.

** Offensive lineman butt ads — NFL broadcasts routinely show the QB’s view on replays, and the biggest unused areas are the rear-ends of the very large linemen protecting the passer. Why not make that space useful? Imagine how well a Target ad would play there without being a distraction on passing plays.

** NHL glass wall ads — The walls surrounding the ice in hockey games should be plastered with profitable ads, but the NHL continues to foolishly leave that area clear just to allow ticket holders a better view of the action. But how long is that a viable plan? Time to start stickering over and letting in-stadium fans follow the action on their phones, like they’re supposed to.

** Jason Kelce sleeping time ads — Sure, the former Eagles center is already in every ad possible while he’s awake. But what about the six to eight hours while he’s unconscious? Why not give him branded blankets, branded pillows, and a 24/7 camera to maximize his advertising value? With enough creativity, his snores could even be remixed into a new Wawa ad.


The Cowboys have had a lot of poor performers early this season, but their special teams players aren’t among them. K Brandon Aubrey on Sunday booted a 65-yard FG, the second longest in NFL history. He’s 10-for-10 this season and has made his last 15 in a row from over 50 yds.

But what did the Dallas coaching staff see in him when they signed him last year that hinted to the player he’d become? Was it his work ethic? His leg strength? No. It was simply the message that his name spelled out that made them know he was the perfect fit for the team:

Dallas Kicker Brandon Aubrey
** A rock-eyed, LSD barbarian lunk

You’ve got to be a pretty dim bulb for the other barbarians to call you a lunk.

** I swept all three games different Dad and I had in our weekly picks, so now I’m up one for the year. This battle so far is just like the back-and-forth game between the Eagles and Saints: low scoring and kinda difficult to watch.

** I don’t even know how to make fun of this: North Carolina lost 70-50 to James Madison on Saturday. Yes, that is a football score. And, yes, North Carolina is in the trop FBS division, but James Madison is not. That means that not only were the Tar Heels shocked in a massive upset by a lower division team, but they also paid James Madison $500,000 for the privilege of getting their heads kicked in. Football is a wonderful game.

** The Eagles are only in second place, by the way. the Maryland Commies are technically in first, since they also have a 2-1 record but boast a division win.

** The Phillies are NL East champs, just in case you missed the news.

Week 3 standings

1 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 371.58 pts
2 — Jabronis (Ant), 362.03 pts
3 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 352.90 pts
4 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 351.14 pts
5 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 348.05 pts
6 — Kodos for President (Jo), 346.16 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 333.97 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Dad), 333.18 pts
9 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 331.51 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 282.57 pts
11 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 265.62 pts
12 — Dawk’s Greatest Hits All of Them (Paul), 261.45 pts

We’re finished another week and suffered through another complete rewriting of the standings. Jeff jumps from second to first. Bob’s team fell three spots. Ant moves from five up to two, while Mom D leaps from 10th to fifth. Jo falls behind me for the first time this season, giving me the household bragging rights.

The only spots that didn’t change were out bottom two, but Paul did update his name from “Let’s Go Union” to a tribute to the greatest safety in NFL history. Sadly, that didn’t result in a better performance, but it does make the other end of the leaders chart look better.

Just 41 pts separate first place from ninth. That’s like one good week from Saquon Barkley. It’s still anyone’s game.

This week, the Cowboys and Giants play on Thursday night, the Eagles play a second Sunday in a row, and we get two Monday night games again, for reasons. Now is the time to dump those loser Jaguars and Bengals players and start refining the roster for the real start of fall football.

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 2 recap

This quiz on remedial life skills was handed out to Eagles coaches on Tuesday morning:

If you leave the faucet open in your sink, what will the water do?

Run
Throw a risky swing pass

Name a hobby that about 50 million Americans participate in on a regular basis:

Running
Throwing a risky swing pass

Complete this famous movie quote: “_____, Forrest, ____!”

Run
Throw a risky swing pass

In 2019, Vice President Joe Biden was considering starting a campaign for president, but was unsure if his bid would succeed. What did he ultimately decide to do?

Run
Throw a risky swing pass

If your team is leading by a field goal in the last two minutes of the game and you’re facing a third-and-short and the other team has no timeouts and no way to stop the clock and you have the slightest bit of common sense, what is the right play call?

Run
Run
Run
Run
Run
Throw a risky swing pass

FYI, all of the Eagles coaches got a zero on the quiz, except for Vic Fangio, who scored a 20%. Apparently he is a very big Forrest Gump fan.

QB: Kyler Murray, 34.54 pts — on Sam’s bench
WR: Marvin Harrison Jr., 22.67 pts — started by Sam
RB: Alvin Kamara, 40.83 pts — started by Bob
TE: George Kittle, 14.57 pts — started by Ant
K: Austin Seibert, 22.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Buffalo, 19.00 pts — on my bench
D: Aidan Hutchinson, 13.00 pts — started by Paul

In the best RB performance since week 4 of last year, Kamara scored four times against the vaunted Cowboys defense to end Dallas’s 16-game home win streak (which apparently did not include their home playoff loss last year, for reasons). His 59.43 pts so far this season make him the fantasy MVP through two weeks, just ahead of … checks notes .. Baker Mayfield is still up here? What the heck?

Harrison — the much-hyped rookie for the Cardinals — had just one catch in his debut last week. This week, he was shut out after the first quarter, giving him a grand total of four receiving yards for seven of his first eight professional quarters. However, in that first quarter, he had 130 yds receiving and two TDs. I guess what I’m saying is that he can be a streaky player.

Also through two games, 15 team defenses have recorded four or fewer sacks. Hutchinson had four and a half on Sunday alone. And his team lost. So, once again, football makes no sense.

“Dallas stinks” edition

3rd place: Dallas, -1.00 pts — on Ant’s bench
2nd place: Clayton Tune, -2.60 pts — on the wire
1st place: LA Rams, -3.00 pts — on the wire

As bad as Dallas was, the Rams somehow scored even lower. They surrendered three fewer points than the Cowboys (only 41!) but Dallas managed a turnover and a blocked kick, almost clawing back into positive territory. The Rams simply rolled over and died.

Sandwiched between those two in the biggest losers list is the Cardinals backup QB. Yes, his team won by 31, but he managed -6 yds rushing and a fumble in his short relief appearance. Kyler Murray, their starter, had a perfect passer rating. So, you could say the day turned out differently for each of them.


** At halftime of that Saints/Cowboys contest, New Orleans radio commentator Deuce McCallister previewed the second half by saying that his Saints “need to pin these guys back in terms of the return game. TheCowboys have had pretty good field position so far.”

The Cowboys, of course, had pretty good field position because they were consistently getting the ball at the 30-yard line … after the Saints kicked off the ball five times following touchdown drives in the first half. It’s hard to pin a team back on punts when you don’t punt the ball at all.

** I’m a big fan of NFL Red Zone host Scott Hanson, a man whose job it is to narrate 10 different football games at the same time without sounding like a fool. So I offer this misstep not as a criticism, but more as a sign that maybe this dude needs a mandated water break every 200 minutes or so.

At the tail end of the Bucs/Lions game, with Tampa facing a third-and-six inside their own half of the field, the Bucs tried a surprise pass to try and get the first down. Hanson was shocked. “I guess the Bucs were trying to catch the Lions with their heads asleep!” he exclaimed.
I’m guessing he wanted to say “catch them napping” or “catch them with their heads down” but honestly catching someone with just their heads asleep and the rest of their bodies moving around would be a lot more dangerous.

** At the final two-minute warning of the Monday night game, ESPN commentator Scott Van Pelt previewed the post-game show where “we’ll be talking about the highlights of this game, which looks like it’ll be won by the home team.” 

Apparently the Eagles coaches took that as a direct challenge.

The Packers’ 16-10 win over the Colts on Sunday made that franchise the first in NFL history to reach 800 victories. That milestone came in their 1,437th game, a win percentage of 55.7 percent. Given that pace, and the likelihood that the NFL will shift to an 18-game schedule in coming years, that means Green Bay should become the first team to hit the 1,000-wins mark in week 3 of the 2044 season. And, thanks to advanced analytics, we also know exactly what that game will look like:

** The Packers will win 23-22 over the Las Vegas Texans, one of five NFL franchises now housed in Sin City. They had a chance to hit the wins mark one week earlier, against the London Jaguars, but lost on a late-field goal.

** The winning QB will be second-year pro Birch Manning, who is the son of Arch Manning, who is the nephew of Peyton Manning, who is the son of Archie Manning. The losing QB will be Aaron Rodgers, now on his 12th team.

** The game-winning play will come on a three-point conversion with four minutes left in the fourth quarter. The three-point play — which by rule involves spotting the ball at the 10-yard line and allowing an extra defender on the field — was initially unsuccessful, but the Packers got it on their second try after a bogus pass interference play kept their hopes alive.

** Not many people will get to see the game, since it was only available on TV through the paid subscription service NBC Law&Order Plus, and because the game was played at 3 p.m. on a Wednesday (part of the NFL’s new “watch at work” lineup).

** ESPN will dedicate four minutes of that evening’s SportsCenter to the milestone, then follow it up with two minutes of WNBA highlights and 54 minutes of Steven A. Smith arguing with co-hosts over how Tom Brady could have been the best soccer player ever.

There are a lot of questions for the Arlington Cowpokes after their embarrassing loss to the Saints, but one of the most pressing problems is at TE. Their regular starter was hurt last week and a backup was also thrown on the injured list, forcing them to call up first-year TE Princeton Fant from the practice squad. And he is not the kind of guy you want hanging around the team for long. Why? It’s clearly spelled out in his name:

Dallas Cowboys rookie tight end Princeton Fant
** A bloodied wreck. Not a phony scent, I farting lots.

Maybe the smell of defeat wasn’t the only stench hanging around Cowboys Stadium this week.

** Through two weeks of the season, five teams have failed to score a TD in their games. And those teams are somehow 2-3 in those contests, with the Maryland Commies and Pittsburgh Steelers both already recording victories on the backs of field goals alone.
I’m not really sure what to make of that, but it feels really weird.

** I dropped two games to Dad on Sunday in our weekly picks showdown, giving him a two-game lead for the season thus far. After a stellar first week, it’s best we not talk about what our records were in week 2.

** The Panthers announced Monday they will bench former first overall pick Bryce Young and start veteran Andy Dalton as their QB next week, and I would have bet you any amount of money you wanted that Andy Dalton retired before covid hit.

** Cowboys lost, Eagles lost, 49ers lost, Lions lost, so the presumed NFC powerhouses are all looking great right now.


Week 2 standings

1 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 250.68 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 247.29 pts
3 — Kodos for President (Jo), 246.71 pts
4 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 244.20 pts
5 — Jabronis (Ant), 240.88 pts
6 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 228.10 pts
7 — Beer 'n Chips (Dad), 225.54 pts
8 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 219.01 pts
9 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 217.41 pts
10 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 210.18 pts
11 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 165.91 pts
12 — Let’s Go Union! (Paul), 158.50 pts

Lots of turmoil in the standings this week. Kamara helped Bob’s squad rush to the top of the standings, while Jeff — who didn’t have access to his team until this week — snuck up to the silver medal slot despite losing two starters to long-term injuries (Isaiah Pacheco and Cooper Kupp). Ant’s big week doesn’t count, since he used Dak Prescott to get there. Our top five teams are all within 10 pts of first place.

It took only two weeks, but we’ve already arrived at the first “Paul may be tuned out for the year” moment of the fantasy season. Not only did he start Packers QB Jordan Love — who was injured nine days in advance of Sunday’s contest — but he also started Love’s #2 WR, Christian Watson, who had no one of note to throw to him. That gave him two zeros in his lineup, yet he somehow still beat Dad by 15 pts.

Next week’s lineup includes a Thursday game, two Monday night games and … gasp … an actual Eagles football game on early Sunday afternoon! It has been 261 days since one of those! Try and enjoy it, you don’t get too many of those this season. Maybe the sunshine will inspire them not to throw the game. 

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 1 recap

Traveling overseas for a football game is never easy, but the Eagles had several positive takeaways from their trip to Sao Paulo beyond the big opening week victory. Here are the biggest highlights:

** Saquon Barkley became the leader in career TDs in the southern hemisphere: He had three, the previous high was zero. Somewhat related, there have never been any punt returns in a game south of the equator.

** The Eagles got some early cold weather prep: It’s currently winter in Brazil, so this game was really a great indication of how the birds will fare when the temperature in Philly drops this December. Sure, the gametime thermometer read 63 degrees, but the field was apparently coated in ice, causing players to slip all over.

** Jalen Hurts felt an emotional connection to Brazil’s NFL fans: The franchise QB was so moved by the team’s reception by the country that started giving out gifts right away during Friday’s game. Unfortunately, the Packers took them.

** Several players learned important phrases in Portuguese: For example, the way you spell Eagles in the native Brazil tongue is “E-A-G-L-E-S.” Try that one on at the next home game for some multicultural flair.

** No one died: No casualties for the Eagles on the field (where the turf sucked) or off the field (where the crime level sucks). And that’s exactly the kind of positive headline the NFL likes after these high-profile games. Too bad the Packers couldn’t say the same…

QB: Baker Mayfield, 37.66 pts — on Jo’s bench
WR: Jayden Reed, 26.50 pts — started by Dad
RB: Saquon Barkley, 31.43 pts — started by me
TE: Isaiah Likely, 17.90 pts — on Bob’s bench
K: Jake Moody, 26.00 pts — started by Jonathan
DEF: Minnesota, 25.00 pts — started by Mom D
D: Andrew Van Ginkel, 11.50 pts — on the wire

There may have been a tie for the top points among kickers. Who cares? They’re kickers.

Shout out to Mayfield, Van Ginkel and the Minnesota defense — the only top players who actually played on Sunday, the day the good Lord intended for football to take place. Likely played on Thursday, Barkley and Reed on Friday, and Moody on Monday. Maybe next week we can get our best football on Tuesday night.

“Opening night jitters” edition

3rd place: (Tie) Cedrick Wilson Jr., -2.00 pts — on the wire
3rd place: (Tie) Dee Williams, -2.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Carolina, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Maryland Commanders, -5.00 pts — on the wire

The Panthers on Sunday trailed for 57 minutes, gave up 47 pts, and didn’t force a punt until the final 2:22 of their game against the Saints. And they were still a better fantasy performer than the Commies.

The lesser Maryland franchise gave up four passing touchdowns to likely Hall of Fame QB (checks notes) Baker Mayfield, who had thrown more than two TDs in two of his previous 49 starts. The Commies have given up at least 27 points in their last nine games, and more than 30 in six of those. So, naturally, four of their first six picks in the spring draft were on offense. Good luck with that.

** In case you missed it, Friday’s Peacock cash grab … I mean, football broadcast .. was sponsored by YouTube TV. That’s sorta like the Giants buying ad space on the Commanders uniforms. “We know you’re watching this channel now, but wouldn’t you rather not be?”

The next logical step here is for Amazon to start advertising during YouTube TV ads. Maybe they can boast about the HBO movies that they now have the rights to…

** The Commanders — who have had more names (three) than winning seasons (two) in the last decade — have renamed their home stadium after former sponsor FedEx backed out of its contract with the team. After striking an eight-year deal with Northwest Federal Credit Union, the Commies are now playing in Northwest Stadium.

Northwest Stadium is still located in the northeast corridor of the United States and the south-central region of Maryland. And Northwest Federal Stadium would have made it clear that the name was a business and not a location. But why start making good decisions now?

** In the third quarter of the Cardinals/Bills game, after a pair of strong runs gained the Cardinals back-to-back first downs, Arizona radio analyst Ron Wolfey — a former college running back — cheered on the offensive game plan:

“That’s what I want to see,” he yelled. “Bring out the flat shovel and start swinging it!”

I’m lost here. Was he calling the running backs shovels? Was he implying their faces belong in the dirt? Why not throw a punch instead of swinging a shovel? And wouldn’t a pointy shovel be better, because it’s stabby?

 
Sadly, the next play was a forward pass — and not a forward shovel pass — and the Cardinals only managed a TD on the drive. Maybe next time they’ll open up the playbook and use the garden weasel.

** Dolphins QB Tua Tagovailoa is on pace for 5,746 passing yds this season (338 in Sunday’s win over the Jaguars). That would break the single-season mark of 5,477, set by Peyton Manning in 2013.

** Ravens QB Lamar Jackson is on pace for 2,074 rushing yds this season (122 in Thursday’s loss to the Chiefs). That would only be good enough for third all-time among rushers, but would far outdistance the current record for yards on the ground by a passer (1,206, set by Jackson in 2019).

** Bills DE Greg Rousseau is on pace for 51 sacks this season (3 in Sunday’s win against the Cardinals). That would obliterate the current record of 22.5, held legitimately by T.J Watt and illegitimately by Michael Strahan.

** The Denver Broncos’ defense is on pace to record 34 safeties this season (two in Sunday’s loss to the Seahawks). The record for a team in a single year is four, so they’re on pace to absolutely shatter the previous mark. With 68 points from those safeties, they’d also beat the record of points scored by a defense in a season (currently 54, set by the 1961 Chargers).

** The New Jersey Giants are on pace not to score a TD this season (just two field goals on Sunday’s loss to the Vikings) and on pace to total just 102 points for the whole year (six total points on Sunday). That would beat the previous team low in NFL history … just barely. The 1977 Tampa Bay Bucs totaled only 103 points that year, albeit in 14 games.

** ESPN commentator Joe Buck is on pace to announce 17 games this season (he announced Monday night’s 49ers/Jets game), despite all evidence that a civilized society would not allow that to happen.

One of the most impressive features of the Cowboys operations is their ability to consistently bring in the same quality of players year after year. And by quality, I mean low quality.

Take, for example, Dallas rookie tight end Marist Liufau. The third-round draft pick out of Notre Dame was viewed by scouts as a quality player with good instincts and solid character. The Cowboys selected him because that analysis is completely untrue. Just look at all the things the letters in his name clearly spell out:

Cowboys LB Marist Liufau
** A biblical wuss, fury moot
** A bombastic soul, wily fur
** A fussy bimbo, will arc out
** A slow bum, obscurity fail
** A foul blob, racy swimsuit

Of all his terrible traits, wearing a racy swimsuit may be the worst.

** Uneventful start to the year for the weekly picks with Dad. We both started 13-3, tied for the week, but one of the three I missed was the Panthers getting absolutely wrecked by the Saints (47-10). Carolina has lost 17 of its last 20 games, so why I picked them to win anything is a mystery.

** Shoutout to Dr. Bob, who helped Fort Awesome find a way to watch the Eagles game on Friday night. Unrelated, does anyone know a good lawyer who will handle stolen digital property cases?

** The 49ers inducted RB Frank Gore into their team Hall of Fame at halftime of Monday night’s game, which was an odd choice, seeing as how Frank Gore will never retire and is simply waiting to sign on for another season. In his second pro game, Gore was tackled by Eagles S Brian Dawkins during a 2005 contest. In his last game (for now), Gore snuck by Rams DT Aaron Donald for a TD in 2020. I expect to see him signed again by week 4.


Week 1 standings

1 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 150.34 pts
2 — Kodos for President (Jo), 137.30 pts
3 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 129.81 pts
4 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 128.43 pts
5 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 124.56 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 120.32 pts
7 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 113.48 pts
8 — Jabronis (Ant), 106.92 pts
9 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 102.70 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 97.85 pts
11 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 68.22 pts
12 — Let’s Go Union! (Paul), 68.06 pts

Solid work all around this week — Six teams topped 120 pts, nine teams topped 100 pts, and a tenth just missed the century mark because of RB Christian McCaffery’s last-minute scratch on Monday night.

Leading the pack (thanks mostly to Packer Jayden Reed) after week one is Dad, followed in order by all the coaches stationed at Fort Awesome. Tough start for Sam and Paul, who didn’t manage to crack 70 pts, but it’s a long season. Even longer if you’ve got Jordan Love’s busted ankle leading your team …

Thursday’s game is the Bills vs. the Dolphins, and the Eagles don’t play until Monday night. Get your rosters set early and try to pay attention for the whole week’s slate, even if the good stuff is all the way at the end.

Fantasy Football 2024 -- pre-season rankings

Our rosters for the 2024 season are set, and congrats to our next Awesome Cup champion, who has already secured the title through savvy drafting and planned wise waiver wire strategy. I’ve already figured out where everyone will finish for the season, but for the sake of fairness, we can play the season out anyway.

However, if you just can’t avoid spoilers, here’s how the fight for the trophy will play out:

Jabronis (Ant)

Yahoo ranking: 1879.24 pts, 6th place

My ranking: 1657.07 pts, 12th place

Another year, another time Ant forgot to exclude the Cowboys players from his team. So he heads into the season with QB Dak Prescott and the Dallas defense leading his squad, which might be enough for him to forfeit before this even starts. Ant’s WRs are solid (Tyreek Hill, Drake London, Nico Collins, the remains of Stefon Diggs) but he forgot to draft any RBs besides James Cook (and he’s got Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott on the bench for more “support.”) The good news is that Ant has a history of killing fantasy players, so maybe his misfortune will mean a Dallas season to remember for the rest of us.

The Fightin Pickles (Sam)
Yahoo ranking: 1802.68 pts, 12th place
My ranking: 1736.92 pts, 11th place
Like Ant, Sam’s team is devoid of anyone to carry the ball. He’s only got three on his whole roster, and one (RB Ty Chandler) is a backup in Minnesota. You’d think that means he has a killer passing game, but you’d be more wrong than Cris Collinsworth trying to break down an end-around play. WR Justin Jefferson should be solid, and the combination of QB Kyler Murray and rookie WR Marvin Harrison Jr. could surprise. But contract holdout WR Brandon Aiyuk? Average wideouts Michael Pittman Jr., Tyler Lockett, Jakobi Meyers backing them up? There’s a lot of meh here.

Beer ‘n Chips (Pop)
Yahoo ranking: 1961.49 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 1751.13 pts, 10th place
Yahoo loves it when teams draft a QB in the first round. Loves it, loves it, loves it. Loves it like Jerry Jones loves kicking puppies. The problem is, it’s an OK strategy at the end of the first round, but a terrible strategy when you have an early pick. With the number two pick in the draft Dad grabbed the likely fantasy leader at QB this season, Josh Allen … who would have absolutely been available to him in the third round. No one else picked up a passer in the first 28 picks. As a result, he passed on all 10 of the top ranked RBs and all 11 of the top ranked WRs. In the end, his roster has decent RB depth (Josh Jacobs, Rachaad White and Kenneth Walker) but nothing in terms of WRs (his top pass catcher was WR Jayden Reed, the 35th wideout off the board). It’s a good thing Allen has people to pass to in real life, because there’s no wide receiving corps here.

Let’s Go Union! (Paul)
Yahoo ranking: 1817.21 pts, 11th place
My ranking: 1844.34 pts, 9th place
Hey, I found a trade partner for Dad. Paul’s team used to be named “I heart WRs” and this team shows that sentiment still lives on. Beyond evil Dallas WR CeeDee Lamb, Paul’s squad boasts Davante Adams, Chris Olave, Amari Cooper and Christian Watson as pass catching threats. RBs? Not so much. Reliable bulldozing RB Najee Harris is OK, but there are only two other backs here, and neither are starters. And putting QBs Jordan Love and Aaron Rodgers on the same roster seems dangerous, given the animosity between the two. Paul is gonna have to be a patient coach with this group.

Kodos for President (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 1842.91 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1999.96 pts, 8th place
This has the makings of a good fantasy team. WRs AJ Brown, Jalen Waddle, and Rashee Rice could all eat up yards this season, and Detroit RB Jahmyr Gibbs might be the breakout back of the season. QB Jayden Daniels seems poised to win offensive rookie of the year. And TE Sam LaPorta is already a points champion at a dead position. So why such a low ranking here? Simple: There’s a major coaching problem. Jo hates the Commanders, and has to rely on three of them — Daniels, RB Brian Robinson Jr. and RB Austin Ekeler — to produce for her to win. Jo absolutely will not be able to encourage any of them, or possibly even watch them play. She also will probably want to cut Rice once she finds out about his offseason antics. So much of fantasy football success comes down to solid, encouraging coach work, and I expect a lot of Bill Cower glowers during these team meetings.

All Rogers No Sauce (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 1935.26 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 2001.77 pts, 7th place
Yahoo see’s Joel’s team as an worst-to-almost-first story, mostly because he nabbed RB Christian McCaffery with the top overall pick. And his supporting cast is solid too: QB Anthony Richardson, WR Mike Evans, TE Trey McBride and RB Travis Etienne Jr. as a second rusher. But can Joel pull it all together? He has done it before, but that was way back in 2016, the weirdest year ever. Back he was starting RBs David Johnson and DeMarco Murray, the Cubs and Cavaliers were World Champions, and Donald Trump won the presidency. Now Chicago and Cleveland are far from playoff glory, Johnson and Murray are long gone from the field, and Trump … eh, you know what? Let’s just move on.

No One Likes Us We Don’t Care (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 1869.61 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2095.45 pts, 6th place
This is a high-risk, high-reward squad. QB Patrick Mahomes is no concern, but RBs Bijan Robinson and De'Von Achane could either lead the league in yards from scrimmage or both bomb out in the first few weeks. The biggest problem with Bob’s team is his wideouts. His best pass catcher is TE Dallas Goedert, and he’s wildly overrated (and possibly dead in Brazil, according to the latest injury report). WR Tank Dell is the #3 option on his own team, wideouts Christian Kirk and Chris Godwin are both coming off being dead last season. The doctor’s roster does include RB Chuba Hubbard, one of the most fun names to say in the NFL, but we’re not here for fun. We’re here for winning.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 1844.28 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 2095.47 pts, 5th place
I feel like Jeff — and almost every team in our league — is one more good receiver away from a great team. WR Cooper Kupp should have a solid bounceback season. But can WRs Malik Nabers, Terry McLaurin and Diontae Johnson combine into some sort of Voltron second fantasy option for this team? How would that even work? Well, first you’d take McLaurin’s head and fold his torso into the younger Nabers’ legs, while you … anyways, RBs Breece Hall and Isiah Pacheco are probably going to be two of your top three fantasy backs on the season, so as long as QB Joe Burrow shows some signs of life, this group should succeed.

Still the Best (Jonathan)
Yahoo ranking: 1908.33 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 2139.82 pts, 4th place
Is he still the best? Our 2023 Awesome Cup champion has a great starting lineup — QB Lamar Jackson, WRs Amon-Ra St. Brown and Puka Nacua, TE Travis Kelce — but is thin at RB (James Conner and D'Andre Swift, then some folks far down the depth chart). Last year he relied on McCaffrey and Etienne to carry him through the down weeks. This year, he’s gonna have to hope for a lot of TD passes from Jackson to WR Zay Flowers to collect double points and propel him up the standings. We haven't had a defending champion since 2015, and this campaign is gonna be a tough one for our youngest coach, since everyone is gunning for him.

Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 1911.43 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 2233.44 pts, 3rd place
This is how you pull off the early QB draft pick. I snagged a top five RB (Saquon Barkley) and a top five WR (Garrett Wilson) before drafting a top three QB (Jalen Hurts) for my well-balanced squad. Throw in three more starting RBs (Aaron Jones, Tony Pollard and Gus Edwards) and the sleeper pick for TE of the year (Dalton Kincaid) and I’ve got the makings of a championship-level group. Do I have too many Eagles (three)? Yes. Do I have too many rookies (three)? Yes. Do I have Kirk Cousins on my bench, playing for his third team? Yes. Is that a lot of threes? No, it seems like the right amount for the third-place team.

DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D)
Yahoo ranking: 1847.14 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 2244.32 pts, 2nd place
Mom D missed repeating as champion last year by a slim margin, but is back again in 2024 with another sturdy roster to try and reclaim glory. She’s got two great RBs (Jonathan Taylor and Derrick Henry) paired with two great WRs (DJ Moore and DK Metcalf) paired with an underrated TE (Evan Engram) and the underrated leg of K Jake Elliot. Her team’s only weakness? QB Brock Purdy is fine but massively overrated, and backup QB Deshaun Watson is actually worth negative points. Still, with a few tweaks, don’t be surprised if she’s back near the top again. Just not all the way at the top, because that spot is reserved for …

Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 1911.70 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 2317 pts, 1st place
Mike has won the league since 2020 (or even paid attention to his roster in the last three years) but this year’s squad could change all of that recent disappointment. WR Ja’Marr Chase should be great (if he plays … just give him a new contract already, Mike) and WR Deebo Samuel has been a league winner for several years now. RBs Kyren Williams, Joe Mixon and Raheem Mostert are an underappreciated trio, and TE Kyle Pitts may finally reach his potential in a new Falcons offense. Former Buckeye QB CJ Stroud is a stud, and might pass for 7,000 yards this year (which, in fairness, would hurt Mixon’s rushing yards). Like Bob’s team, this all could flame out quickly or turn into an unstoppable force. But unlike Bob, Mike has the championship credentials to inspire his team to greatness, and return to the Awesome Cup summit again.

There you have it, folks. The season is already over, but get those rosters set before Thursday’s game … and Friday’s game, and maybe Saturday morning’s game? I have no idea anymore. It’s all NFL all the time, whether you want it or not. Let’s go.

Oh, in case you forgot, here's what you're all playing for: 

Fantasy football 2024 -- draft order announcement

Fellow fantasy football fanatics, welcome back to another season of fake gridiron showdowns that will test your wits, your prognostication skills, and your ability to remember to set your roster before those stupid Thursday games. The Who Needs Linebackers fantasy league is officially back for its 23nd season.

We are a mere 21 weeks away from the awarding of the Awesome Cup to one lucky fantasy coach and from six months of torment and frustration for the rest of the league. If you’ve forgotten how last year’s campaign ended, the trophy was hoisted by our newest (and arguably least deserving) coach, proving that anyone can shock the world. Will we see a new champion again this year? No, I plan on winning it all. But it should still be fun.

But before we get to the beatdowns, it’s time for the official fantasy league draft order announcement. For everyone who forgets how this scientific process is handled, here are the long-established rules on who gets what pick. 

The name selection is being handled again this season by the youngest member of Fort Awesome, despite recurring fears that her objectivity may be compromised by the promise of better holiday presents. Since all our coaches can’t be here to witness the picks live, our defending champion insisted that Super Smash Bros characters stand in as proxies for everyone this round. Let this be a lesson to you all not to let the younger generation win again.

The first names go into the helmet, and the unlucky loser is:

Pick #12 — Grandmom Linda
Tough break for last year’s second place finisher, and an even tougher break for her granddaughter, who probably just cost herself at least a few games and outfits on Dec. 25. Grandmom’s representative at the event, Princess Peach, lets out a half-hearted “ha-cha” and floats away from the battlefield. The next name goes in, and the person who picks next is…

Pick #11 — Capt Awesome
Who came up with this stupid system anyway? Despite finishing fourth last year, I get the second-worst draft slot. You’d think after 23 years I’d have figured out a better way to rig all of this, but you would be wrong. My proxy for the event, Donkey Kong, stomps out of the arena angry. We’ll both have to take our revenge later. Onto the next victim …

 
Pick #10 — Jo
There really may be no Christmas presents at all for this child. That’s the third present-buying family member she has screwed over in this ridiculous system. Jo’s stand-in, Kirby, lets out a puff of air at the name picker’s head, but it peters out well short of causing damage. Perhaps if Kirby stuck with the theme and spit out a football instead, it would have made a difference. We push onward with the next name …

 
Pick #9 — Jonathan
Last year’s Awesome Cup champion laughs with delight as his representative, the robotic operating buddy R.O.B., spins around wildly. Last year Jonathan’s team jumped up five spots in the draft en route to victory. This year, it’s only four spots, but he has similar high hopes. God willing, we will all help crush that joy. The next name out of the helmet is …

 
Pick #8 — Sam
Sam picked third the last two seasons in a row, so maybe drafting too high is actually bad for his planning. His proxy, Pikachu, squeaks out his own name in response, signaling either disappointment or ambivalence. At least he didn’t try to join the Chargers and send out electricity everywhere. The process moves ahead …

Pick #7 — Mike
Mike finished sixth last year and ends up picking exactly where he deserves to, so maybe the system works? But still, this is another blow to the Christmas gifts hopes of our guest picker, who has now only helped out people who don’t help fill the stockings. Mike’s stand-in, Meta Knight, dangerously dangles his sword above the helmet in response. Another name goes in, another name comes out …

Pick #6 — Jeff
A big disappointment for Jeff , who finished 11th last year and should have been picking in the top four. But no matter: His rep, the dog from Duck Hunt, just points and laughs at us all. Touche, you mangy mutt. We are all fools for trusting this process. May the football gods have mercy on us all. The next victim from the helmet is …

Pick #5 — Bob
Dr. Bob and his proxy, Dr. Mario, diagnosed this draft position as less than ideal, since Bob finished 9th last year and should have ended up in the top four. In response, the digital doctor spikes an oversized prescription on the ground, sending pixelated medication everywhere. All these folks seem ready for a fight this year. We better move on to the next pick …

Pick #4 — Ant
Any had one of his worst finishes last season, placing 11th. But that helped him little in this exercise, dropping him two spots. On the positive side, though, this was where Jonathan drafted last year during his championship run, so maybe that good luck will carry over. His rep, Jigglypuff, jiggles in response. And, in the spirit of Ant’s team, Jigglypuff forgot to wear pants. Since we’ve got to collect them all, we push onward …

 
Pick #3 — Paul
Lucky number three goes to Paul, who has promised to be in game shape early this year. His representative, the Wii Fit Trainer avatar, nods and stretches in delight with the news. The girl child asks if we’re done yet and if she’s still in trouble. I tell her there’s no crying in football and to get the next name. She sadly draws out the next slip…

Pick #2 — Pop
Wow. Forget about canceling Christmas, because our name picker just found the jackpot. Pop finished second last year and should be picking 10th. Instead, our “impartial” judge managed to avoid his slip of paper for the last 11 rounds, giving him a massive advantage and giving herself a chance at a great holiday gift haul. Dad’s proxy, a 8-bit version of Dan Marino who somehow snuck out of Tecmo Bowl and into the wrong game, hurls a TD pass deep into the end zone in celebration.

Only one name is left in the helmet, so the top pre-draft prize goes to …

Pick #1 — Joel
Out last place finisher from 2023 gets the top pick in 2024. That’s … actually fair, for a change. Joel’s representative in the room, Little Mac, punches the air in excitement, then promptly turns pale and exhausted. This whole process has been a lot, after all. And there are still more than four months left in the season.

There you have it, folks. The draft order is set and it’s time to get your pre-draft rankings squared away. No complaining if you forget to put all the Cowboys and the remains of RB Nick Chubb in your do not draft list. I’ll switch the league over to autodraft sometime after Saturday morning (Aug. 31) so don’t delay.

Best of luck to all of you in your quest to finish second.

Fantasy football 2023 -- final season recap

All the games have been played, all the scores have been tallied, and we have an Awesome Cup champion ready to taunt the 11 league losers for the next nine months of non-fantasy football. But before we say goodbye to this year and this rollercoaster of an Eagles season (Five Monday night games? We needed a fifth in the playoffs? Why did the football gods do this to us?) let’s take a look back at where everyone failed and just how bad the Yahoo preseason picks were:

 
All Rogers No Sauce (Joel)
Yahoo prediction: 1857.95 pts, 9th place
My prediction: 1999.98 pts, 6th place
Actual finish: 1657.07 pts, 12th place
NFL equivalent: New England Patriots
The expectations for Joel and the Patsies in August were not that high, but both teams managed to underachieve anyway. Maybe it was QB Trevor Lawrence’s fault — he couldn’t lead real or fantasy teams to the playoffs. Maybe it was too much faith by Joel in an overhyped 49ers defense. Maybe it was the fact that Joel started 10 inactive players over the last four weeks of the season. Whatever the cause, the only solution ahead for both teams is clear: Load Bill Belechick into a cannon and launch him into space. It’s for the good of the teams and the good of humanity.

Crumb Bums (Ant)
Yahoo prediction: 1810.37 pts, 12th place
My prediction: 1811.37 pts, 10th place
Actual finish: 1736.92 pts, 11th place
NFL equivalent: Maryland Commies
Not much was expected of Ant’s team, and not much was delivered. He did manage to kill QB Daniel Jones, RB JK Dobbins, RB Aaron Jones and the remainder of WR DeAndre Hopkins’ career over the course of the season, but his mediocre showing was more than just injuries and age. Cutting WR Diontae Johnson before he was good? Giving up on TE Pat Freiermuth and QB Geno Smith too early? Sometimes coaching is the problem. That’s why the Commies fired their coach one day after the season. Maybe Ant should put Maddie in charge of play calling next season.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo prediction: 1840.26 pts, 11th place
My prediction: 1601.01 pts, 12th place
Actual finish: 1751.13 pts, 10th place
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals
There were times it looked like both of these teams could be the worst in the league, but they both pulled themselves up into relative respectability. But it’s tough to overcome bad drafting, and getting only a half season from WR Cooper Kupp, TE Mark Andrews and QB Deshaun Watson spelled eventual doom. About the only thing you can do with a depleted roster like Jeff’s or Arizona’s is ruin the Eagles season. Then again, just about any team can do that. All it requires is a pulse.

The team of many names (Paul)
Yahoo prediction: 1945.81 pts, 5th place
My prediction: 1695.44 pts, 11th place
Actual finish: 1844.34 pts, 9th place
NFL equivalent: Indianapolis Colts
Paul and the Colts were the feel-good-but-not-too-good story of 2023. The Colts looked like they could finish last in their division, but they contended for a playoff spot until the last minutes of the season. Paul looked like he would repeat in the league basement, but he pulled himself up into the single-digit spots. He set his roster almost every week. He led the league in roster moves! Progress!!! Sure, passing on RB Christian McCaffrey (#1 overall RB) to instead pick RB Austin Eckler (#31 overall RB) will haunt his dreams the whole offseason. But those dreams will be slightly higher up the ladder this time around.

No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob)
Yahoo prediction: 1939.56 pts, 6th place
My prediction: 2167.89 pts, 2nd place
Actual finish: 1998.36 pts, 8th place
NFL equivalent: Denver Broncos
The Broncos were a laughing stock last year, but they took some small steps forward this season and could be a viable playoff team in 2024. Similarly, Bob’s squad did not make a huge jump ahead, but going from 9th last season to 8th this year is an improvement. Sure, his faith in QB Patrick Mahomes burned him, and he never really recovered from the Yahoo algorithm’s decision to draft four TEs. But there is momentum here. There is spirit. All that’s missing for both Bob and the Broncos is some sweet throwback orange uniforms for next year.

Standard Deviations (Sam)
Yahoo prediction: 1905.26 pts, 8th place
My prediction: 1965.26 pts, 7th place
Actual finish: 1998.77 pts, 7th place
NFL equivalent: Houston Texans
By the skin of his teeth, Sam edged out Bob to secure 7th place (just 0.41 pts!). But like the Texans' slim victory in the final game of the season, it was enough to put Sam and his squad at the edge of the playoff line (theoretically, since we still don’t have actual playoffs). Sure, QB Tua Tagovailoa’s late season swoon hurt, and RB Derrick Henry looks like he may be so gassed he can’t outrun a single linebacker (well, probably one on the Eagles, but that barely counts). But a year after finishing in 11th, Sam somehow made it all work enough to end on a positive note.

Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo prediction: 1856.46 pts, 10th place
My prediction: 1923.88 pts, 8th place
Actual finish: 2040.02 pts, 6th place
NFL equivalent: Green Bay Packers
Even when you think the Packers aren’t relevant, they somehow sneak into the playoffs. And even when you think Mike has put together an irredeemable team, he somehow pulls them up and finishes strong. What is the secret to success for both? It’s obvious: cheese. Cheese is what makes great coaches greater. Do you think Chiefs coach Andy Reid won by eliminating cheese from his diet? Did you know that Dallas coach Mike McCarthy’s brain is 79% cheddar? Mike is headed to Wisconsin in the offseason, and once he gets his cheese reserves up even higher, the league may not be able to handle his prowess.

Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo)
Yahoo prediction: 1989.47 pts, 1st place
My prediction: 2046.01 pts. 4th place
Actual finish: 2095.45 pts, 5th place
NFL equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles
The curse of the Yahoo preseason favorite pick continues. Like the Eagles, there was so much expectation here. And like the Eagles (who did make the playoffs and won 11 games), you can’t really complain about the finish, given that Jo finished in the top five. But, still, both teams were leading the league standings early. Both looked like championship contenders. And both finished the season with a thud, with almost no help from TE Dallas Goedert and without a healthy D'Andre Swift on the roster. Here’s hoping the rest of January is kinder to Jo than it will be to the walking dead birds as they enter the postseason.

Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo prediction: 1950.91 pts, 4th place
My prediction: 2133.33 pts, 3rd place
Actual finish: 2139.82 pts, 4th place
NFL equivalent: 2023 Philadelphia Phillies
Yahoo may have gotten the ranking right, but check out how close I was on that point total — only 0.3% off. I could have finished higher if I hadn’t opted to draft all the bad Eagles RBs (Rashaad Penny and Kenneth Gainwell) instead of the one decent one (D'Andre Swift ). Or if my first-round pick, RB Nick Chubb, didn’t have his leg explode early. Or if I had bothered to get a real TE before week 10. This is actually the first time in 22 years of Awesome Cup history that I’ve finished in 4th, and the sixth time in seven years I’ve placed in the top five. Plus, I passed Jo’s team in the standings in just the last two weeks, so that will help me weather another spring without a championship title.

Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad)
Yahoo prediction: 1954.60 pts, 3rd place
My prediction: 1847.94 pts, 9th place
Actual finish: 2164.69 pts, 3rd place
NFL equivalent: Buffalo Bills
Dad gets a podium finish, impressive considering he drafted from the 12th spot last fall. His bold strategy of picking QB Josh Allen over his team’s namesake, QB Jalen Hurts, gave him the margin he needed to stay ahead of my squad, even if it did call into question his true Philly fandom. And Dad averaged the most points off of defensive players — just under 10 pts a week — which is a savvy way to climb up the scoreboard. But his complete disregard for the WR position came back to haunt him. Don’t feel too bad, however: He still gets to take home the Garrity Family championship for the season, a lesser but still prestigious honor.

DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D)
Yahoo prediction: 1935.31 pts, 7th place
My prediction: 2002.55 pts, 5th place
Actual finish: 2212.55 pts, 2nd place
NFL equivalent: San Francisco 49ers
Last year’s champ looked like a real threat to repeat this season, thanks to the top TE (Sam LaPorta), the top WR (CeeDee Lamb) and #2 RB (Raheem Mostert). According to the league record book, Mom D had the most points from draft picks over the course of the season. And like the 49ers, for a brief moment late in the season she had the best team … but then got rolled by our actual champion. Still, it’s Mom’s third consecutive top 5 finish, establishing her as a team to watch in 2024. Sadly, she’ll be watching from the loser’s section with the rest of us, because the only name going on the Awesome Cup is …

 
The Best (Jonathan)
Yahoo prediction: 1957.05 pts, 2nd place
My prediction: 2302.32 pts, 1st place
Actual finish: 2241.70 pts, 1st place
NFL equivalent: 2017 Philadelphia Eagles
It only took our youngest coach three years to reach the champions' stand, an impressive turnaround for someone who didn’t know what a linebacker was just a short while ago (the Eagles still don’t, so …). If you’re gonna name your team “The Best” you better be prepared to back it up. He did. Jonathan drafted two of the top three RBs on the season (Christian McCaffery and Travis Etienne) and managed to stay afloat even as his Pro Bowl QB (Justin Herbert) went down in week 14. He was the second most active coach on the waiver wire and smartly stayed away from Philadelphia players all year long. He’s still not old enough to drink, but Jonathan gets to take a few swigs of sparkling cider from the cup that now bears his name on the side.

In case you’re keeping score at home (which you should be), I went 6-5-1 against Yahoo in the predictions this season, again proving that my prognosticating skills are superior to the so-called football experts out there. If only I could have channeled those stills into not picking WR Terry McLaurin over WR Mike Evans. Those extra 70 points would have almost won me the title.

As always, thanks for playing along and reading all year long. The boy may have come out victorious this season, but you’ll have the opportunity to dethrone him sooner than you think. Only 240 days until the next fantasy football season begins…

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 18 recap

Disappointed with how the Eagles season ended? You should be! The team has played like complete trash since Thanksgiving. But remember, there’s always another team whose fans are even more tortured than yours. Consider these franchises who were even bigger flops this season:

** Jacksonville Jaguars: As of Nov. 30, the Eagles and Jaguars were both the #1 seeds in their respective divisions. At 8-3, all the Jags needed to do to punch a ticket to the postseason was win two of their final six games. They didn’t, and fell all the way to the 9th seed in the conference after an embarrassing 28-20 loss to the 5-11 Titans in the last game of the season. Have fun at home, Trevor Lawrence.

** Carolina Panthers: After trading for the #1 pick last season, the Panthers only managed two wins all season. They didn’t score a single point in their last two games. But at least finishing the year with the worst record in the NFL gets them another #1 selection, right? Wrong. The team traded their 2024 first-round pick away to the Bears last year, and have to sit out the first 32 selections in the upcoming draft. So much for getting better in 2024.

** Los Angeles Chargers: The team entered the season as a trendy dark horse pick for a Super Bowl run. The reality was a pathetic 5-12 season where they finished with a 13-12 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs … backups. The team wasn’t above .500 at any point in the season, and their only win in the last nine games was a 6-0 victory against the Patriots. They’ve won two playoff games in the last 15 years. Maybe the Super Bowl isn’t a realistic goal.

** Cincinnati Bengals: The Bengals started the season 1-3 and lost their star QB, Joe Burrow, to an injury halfway through the year. Yet the team persevered, and won their final game of the year to pull their record to 9-8, making the AFC North the only division to have all teams with winning records. Sadly for the Bengals, they are the only one of the group not headed for the postseason, losing out on a series of tiebreakers to the division rival Steelers and recent postseason rival Bills.

** Cleveland Browns: They’re 11-5 and in the playoffs. The team looks like a real contender. And you know it isn’t going to last. These are the Browns. Those poor fans.

Top QBs of the year

3rd place: Jalen Hurts, 403.32 pts — 3rd QB drafted (Paul)
2nd place: Dak Prescott, 415.34 pts — 10th QB drafted (Mike)
1st place: Josh Allen, 450.64 pts — 2nd QB drafted (Dad)

Packers QB Jordan Love was the real steal here. He was 4th in total points scored, just 20 behind Hurts, and went undrafted. Hurts would have finished second if not for a ridiculously bad 0.60 pts performance in the season finale. Of course, finishing behind the Cowboys is something a lot of the Eagles players did this year…

Top WRs of the year

3rd place: Amon-Ra St. Brown, 223.90 pts — 8th WR drafted (Mike)
2nd place: Tyreek Hill, 259.43 pts — 4th WR drafted (Jo)
1st place: CeeDee Lamb, 277.90 pts — 7th QR drafted (Mom D)

More than halfway through the season, Hill was on pace for 2,000 yds receiving and was a shoo-in to be the top fantasy receiver of the year. Then he averaged fewer than 65 yds and 8.5 fantasy pts over his last five games and fell back to second. Lamb scored nine TDs in his last nine games, and posted 30 catches for 443 yards in his last three games. That was better than Packers WR Christian Watson had all year, and he had the #4 QB throwing to him (when he was healthy).

Top RBs of the year

3rd place: Travis Etienne, 238.53 pts — 11th RB drafted (Jonathan)
2nd place: Raheem Mostert, 249.37 pts — 48th RB drafted (Mom D)
1st place: Christian McCaffrey, 340.00 pts — 2nd RB drafted (Jonathan)

Think Mostert was a steal? The #4 RB on the season was the Rams Kyren Williams, undrafted in our league (and most others). Chargers RB Austin Ekeler, the top pick in our draft, didn’t finish in the top 30. And the distance between McCaffery and Mostert was the same fantasy value (about 91 pts) as WR Tyler Boyd, who was drafted two spots after Mostert in the 16th round.

Top TEs of the year

3rd place: Travis Kelce, 140.60 pts — 1st TE drafted (Mike)
2nd place: Evan Engram, 142.70 pts — 8th TE drafted (Bob)
1st place: Sam LaPorta, 167.17 pts — 15th TE drafted (Mom D)

Hey, remember the 2015 NFL season? You know, RB Devonta Freeman dominating the league? QB Cam Newton winning the MVP? Anyways, that’s the last time that Tavis Kelce wasn’t the top three TEs on the year. Even in a down year for him, he’s still in a different class than the rest. But LaPorta is only a rookie, we might be seeing the start of the next fantasy TE juggernaut.

Top Ks of the year

3rd place: Cairo Santos, 158.00 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Justin Tucker, 160.00 pts — 1st K drafted (Jo)
1st place: Brandon Aubrey, 181.00 pts — undrafted

At least Aubrey eventually got picked up by Sam. Santos, the Bears kicker, never made it onto any team in our league, despite outscoring all but two other players at the position. But no one should feel bad about that, because these are kickers, and they do not matter.

Top DEFs of the year

3rd place: Cleveland, 165.00 pts — 21st DEF drafted (Mom D)
2nd place: Baltimore, 188.00 pts — 9th DEF drafted (Dad)
1st place: Dallas, 189.00 pts — 3rd DEF drafted (Sam)

The 49ers were the second DEF drafted, and finished 10th on the year despite constant hype over them. The Eagles were the first DEF drafted in our league — they finished 28th. The Maryland Commanders were the worst defense on the year, reaching just 40.00 fantasy pts. They totaled -1.00 pts over the last eight games of the season. Ouch.

Top Ds of the year

2nd place: (tie) Antoine Winfield, 82.00 pts — undrafted
2nd place: (tie) DaRon Bland, 82.00 pts — undrafted
1st place: T.J. Watt, 88.00 pts — undrafted

Someday we’ll draft a top defensive player. Someday.

QB: Derek Carr, 35.16 pts — on Mike’s bench
WR: CeeDee Lamb, 25.73 pts — started by Mom D
RB: Breece Hall, 27.60 pts — started by Bob
TE: Evan Engram, 16.27 pts — started by Bob
K: Cameron Dicker, 15.00 pts — started by Jeff
DEF: Tampa Bay, 22.00 pts — on Joel’s bench
D: Christian Wilkins, 8.50 pts — on the wire

It’s worth noting that Mike started the number two QB on the week (Prescott, 33.16 pts) and cost himself two whole points. You can feel sorry for him.

It’s also worth remembering that the Eagles selected WR Jalen Reagor in the 2020 draft three spots after Lamb and one spot ahead of WR Justin Jefferson. And that will never not suck.

“Worst performers of the year” edition

5th place: Jonathan Williams, -0.20 pts — on the wire
4th place: Matt Barkley, -0.30 pts — on the wire
3rd place: Logan Woodside, -0.32 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Nathan Peterman, -0.40 pts — on the wire
1st place: Kyle Allen, -1.30 pts — on the wire

The bottom four this year were all QBs, and all except Woodside accumulated their negative fantasy points with kneel downs at the end of games. For Allen, that meant his entire contribution to the Bills’ playoff run was 13 kneel downs for -13 yards.

Woodside at least saw a little playing time in the Saints finale, passing for 27 yds but also throwing a pick. Williams, a running back, had one rush for -2 yards in week 15, the only time the Commanders let him on the field this season.

Jets QB Aaron Rodgers, who was paid $50 million by the New Jersey franchise this season and had 17 billion stories written about him, scored exactly 0.00 pts this season, slightly ahead of this crowd.


** Buccaneers coach Todd Bowles — whose team will host the Eagles next week — was asked after Sunday’s less-than impressive 9-0 win over the Panthers how his team managed to secure the NFC South title this year despite the departure of QB Tom Brady and other stars in the offseason.

“There’s a lot of ways to skin a cat,” he said. “The guys believed in each other. They never fed into the outside media. We wrote our own narrative. We worked hard, we practiced hard and they got it done.”

That’s a lovely sentiment. Of course, the actual answer to the question is “because our division was complete trash.” The 9-8 Bucs were 5-6 outside of their own division, the best record of any NFC South team. Combined, the four squads were 15-29 (.341 win percentage) against the rest of the league. But, sure, write your own narrative.

** QB Jalen Hurts was asked about his team’s chances of beating those Buccaneers next week. His response: "I truly believe this team is more than capable of taking advantage of what's in front of us.”

That’s a weird way to put it, since the only thing that has been taken advantage of lately is that awful Eagles defense, on nearly every play.

** NBC analyst Cris Collinsworth gave us a few more gems in the final Sunday night game of the season. The worst was after a nice catch by Bills rookie TE Dalton Kincaid, which prompted this comment:

“I’m not going to compare Dalton Kincaid to Travis Kelce. Travis Kelce is a Hall of Famer. But that style of player, that’s exactly what the Bills have in Dalton Kincaid.”

Gotcha. Kincaid is not like Kelce, he’s just exactly the same kind of player. No hyperbole there, just reasoned comparisons.

The NFL season will end next month with Super Bowl LVIII at Allegiant Stadium in Las Vegas. To celebrate the historic occasion, Vegas bookkeepers are offering special rates not just on the playoff games leading up to the championship but also on a host of other football-related wagers too. Here’s a look at the latest odds on some of the best bets:

** $10 bet wins $30 — Taylor Swift will have more screen time than Travis Kelce in the Chiefs first-round playoff game.

** $10 bet wins $11 — The NFL refs will blow a crucial call that decides a playoff game and destroys a fan base.

** $10 bet wins $50 — Aaron Rodgers will have more screen time than Travis Kelce in the Chiefs first-round playoff game.

** $10 bet wins $10.50 — When the 49ers lose in the playoffs again, the high-pitched whining from the fan base will be so loud that whales off the coast of China will beach themselves in confusion.

** $10 bet wins $100 — No one in America will see Travis Kelce in the Chiefs first-round playoff game after the Peacock network goes bankrupt 15 minutes before kickoff.

** $10 bet wins $2,000 — RB Boston Scott will have a positive, relevant play in the Eagles first-round playoff game.

** $10 bet wins $500 — Andy Reid will eat Travis Kelce in a new Allstate commercial that premiers during the Chiefs first-round playoff game.

** $666 bet wins $666.01 — Cowboys fans will be insufferable.

Dallas enters the playoffs in its best shape in years, and is already eyeing a second round post-season win for the first time since 1995 (four years before team WR CeeDee Lamb was born). During those nearly three decades, the NFL and its fans have enjoyed enormous prosperity and peace, without the mark of the devil adorning the championship trophy. Sadly, that cosmic harmony may be in danger this year. And what will it mean if the Cowboys do make it to the final game of the season, not just for the sport, but for all mankind?

Alas, my friends, we all clearly see the answer already. It’s spelled out plainly by the letters in the threat:

The Dallas Cowboys return to the Super Bowl game
** Damage, woe to us — crypts burst below, hell on earth

Repent now, all ye good fans, for the end times may be nigh.

** Dad came into the week needing to pick every game right to force a tiebreaker in our yearly picks contest, and he put up a valiant effort. But his 12-4 showing wasn’t enough, and I claimed the fourth consecutive title in our matchup. I’m now 9-5 against him since 2010, and we don’t need to worry about what the record was before that.

For the season, Dad picked winners 59.6% of the time, while I had a 65.8% correct rate — my best season in years. In fact, that’s better than all 10 “experts” on ESPN’s big prediction board. And yet, the worldwide leader in sports still refuses to pay me for my skills. Unbelievable.

** FYI, if I had done a worst performers of the week list, Eagles WR AJ Brown would have been on it (-0.90 pts). Ugh.

** Monday’s Eagles playoff game in Tampa will come almost exactly two years from the last time these two met in the playoffs: An ugly 31-15 loss by Philly where Hurts looked lost and embarrassed. But after that, the Eagles won 26 of their next 31 games and took a trip to the Super Bowl. So, if the team does go belly up next week as expected … maybe things could get good again? Wishful thinking for those ugly weeks ahead?


The final Awesome Cup standings will be unveiled on Tuesday in the final season recap.