Disappointed with how the Eagles season ended? You should be! The team has played like complete trash since Thanksgiving. But remember, there’s always another team whose fans are even more tortured than yours. Consider these franchises who were even bigger flops this season:
** Jacksonville Jaguars: As of Nov. 30, the Eagles and Jaguars were both the #1 seeds in their respective divisions. At 8-3, all the Jags needed to do to punch a ticket to the postseason was win two of their final six games. They didn’t, and fell all the way to the 9th seed in the conference after an embarrassing 28-20 loss to the 5-11 Titans in the last game of the season. Have fun at home, Trevor Lawrence.
** Carolina Panthers: After trading for the #1 pick last season, the Panthers only managed two wins all season. They didn’t score a single point in their last two games. But at least finishing the year with the worst record in the NFL gets them another #1 selection, right? Wrong. The team traded their 2024 first-round pick away to the Bears last year, and have to sit out the first 32 selections in the upcoming draft. So much for getting better in 2024.
** Los Angeles Chargers: The team entered the season as a trendy dark horse pick for a Super Bowl run. The reality was a pathetic 5-12 season where they finished with a 13-12 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs … backups. The team wasn’t above .500 at any point in the season, and their only win in the last nine games was a 6-0 victory against the Patriots. They’ve won two playoff games in the last 15 years. Maybe the Super Bowl isn’t a realistic goal.
** Cincinnati Bengals: The Bengals started the season 1-3 and lost their star QB, Joe Burrow, to an injury halfway through the year. Yet the team persevered, and won their final game of the year to pull their record to 9-8, making the AFC North the only division to have all teams with winning records. Sadly for the Bengals, they are the only one of the group not headed for the postseason, losing out on a series of tiebreakers to the division rival Steelers and recent postseason rival Bills.
** Cleveland Browns: They’re 11-5 and in the playoffs. The team looks like a real contender. And you know it isn’t going to last. These are the Browns. Those poor fans.
3rd place: Jalen Hurts, 403.32 pts — 3rd QB drafted (Paul)
2nd place: Dak Prescott, 415.34 pts — 10th QB drafted (Mike)
1st place: Josh Allen, 450.64 pts — 2nd QB drafted (Dad)
Packers QB Jordan Love was the real steal here. He was 4th in total points scored, just 20 behind Hurts, and went undrafted. Hurts would have finished second if not for a ridiculously bad 0.60 pts performance in the season finale. Of course, finishing behind the Cowboys is something a lot of the Eagles players did this year…
Top WRs of the year
3rd place: Amon-Ra St. Brown, 223.90 pts — 8th WR drafted (Mike)
2nd place: Tyreek Hill, 259.43 pts — 4th WR drafted (Jo)
1st place: CeeDee Lamb, 277.90 pts — 7th QR drafted (Mom D)
More than halfway through the season, Hill was on pace for 2,000 yds receiving and was a shoo-in to be the top fantasy receiver of the year. Then he averaged fewer than 65 yds and 8.5 fantasy pts over his last five games and fell back to second. Lamb scored nine TDs in his last nine games, and posted 30 catches for 443 yards in his last three games. That was better than Packers WR Christian Watson had all year, and he had the #4 QB throwing to him (when he was healthy).
Top RBs of the year
3rd place: Travis Etienne, 238.53 pts — 11th RB drafted (Jonathan)
2nd place: Raheem Mostert, 249.37 pts — 48th RB drafted (Mom D)
1st place: Christian McCaffrey, 340.00 pts — 2nd RB drafted (Jonathan)
Think Mostert was a steal? The #4 RB on the season was the Rams Kyren Williams, undrafted in our league (and most others). Chargers RB Austin Ekeler, the top pick in our draft, didn’t finish in the top 30. And the distance between McCaffery and Mostert was the same fantasy value (about 91 pts) as WR Tyler Boyd, who was drafted two spots after Mostert in the 16th round.
Top TEs of the year
3rd place: Travis Kelce, 140.60 pts — 1st TE drafted (Mike)
2nd place: Evan Engram, 142.70 pts — 8th TE drafted (Bob)
1st place: Sam LaPorta, 167.17 pts — 15th TE drafted (Mom D)
Hey, remember the 2015 NFL season? You know, RB Devonta Freeman dominating the league? QB Cam Newton winning the MVP? Anyways, that’s the last time that Tavis Kelce wasn’t the top three TEs on the year. Even in a down year for him, he’s still in a different class than the rest. But LaPorta is only a rookie, we might be seeing the start of the next fantasy TE juggernaut.
Top Ks of the year
3rd place: Cairo Santos, 158.00 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Justin Tucker, 160.00 pts — 1st K drafted (Jo)
1st place: Brandon Aubrey, 181.00 pts — undrafted
At least Aubrey eventually got picked up by Sam. Santos, the Bears kicker, never made it onto any team in our league, despite outscoring all but two other players at the position. But no one should feel bad about that, because these are kickers, and they do not matter.
Top DEFs of the year
3rd place: Cleveland, 165.00 pts — 21st DEF drafted (Mom D)
2nd place: Baltimore, 188.00 pts — 9th DEF drafted (Dad)
1st place: Dallas, 189.00 pts — 3rd DEF drafted (Sam)
The 49ers were the second DEF drafted, and finished 10th on the year despite constant hype over them. The Eagles were the first DEF drafted in our league — they finished 28th. The Maryland Commanders were the worst defense on the year, reaching just 40.00 fantasy pts. They totaled -1.00 pts over the last eight games of the season. Ouch.
Top Ds of the year
2nd place: (tie) Antoine Winfield, 82.00 pts — undrafted
2nd place: (tie) DaRon Bland, 82.00 pts — undrafted
1st place: T.J. Watt, 88.00 pts — undrafted
Someday we’ll draft a top defensive player. Someday.
WR: CeeDee Lamb, 25.73 pts — started by Mom D
RB: Breece Hall, 27.60 pts — started by Bob
TE: Evan Engram, 16.27 pts — started by Bob
K: Cameron Dicker, 15.00 pts — started by Jeff
DEF: Tampa Bay, 22.00 pts — on Joel’s bench
D: Christian Wilkins, 8.50 pts — on the wire
It’s worth noting that Mike started the number two QB on the week (Prescott, 33.16 pts) and cost himself two whole points. You can feel sorry for him.
It’s also worth remembering that the Eagles selected WR Jalen Reagor in the 2020 draft three spots after Lamb and one spot ahead of WR Justin Jefferson. And that will never not suck.
“Worst performers of the year” edition5th place: Jonathan Williams, -0.20 pts — on the wire
4th place: Matt Barkley, -0.30 pts — on the wire
3rd place: Logan Woodside, -0.32 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Nathan Peterman, -0.40 pts — on the wire
1st place: Kyle Allen, -1.30 pts — on the wire
The bottom four this year were all QBs, and all except Woodside accumulated their negative fantasy points with kneel downs at the end of games. For Allen, that meant his entire contribution to the Bills’ playoff run was 13 kneel downs for -13 yards.
Woodside at least saw a little playing time in the Saints finale, passing for 27 yds but also throwing a pick. Williams, a running back, had one rush for -2 yards in week 15, the only time the Commanders let him on the field this season.
Jets QB Aaron Rodgers, who was paid $50 million by the New Jersey franchise this season and had 17 billion stories written about him, scored exactly 0.00 pts this season, slightly ahead of this crowd.
** Buccaneers coach Todd Bowles — whose team will host the Eagles next week — was asked after Sunday’s less-than impressive 9-0 win over the Panthers how his team managed to secure the NFC South title this year despite the departure of QB Tom Brady and other stars in the offseason.
“There’s a lot of ways to skin a cat,” he said. “The guys believed in each other. They never fed into the outside media. We wrote our own narrative. We worked hard, we practiced hard and they got it done.”
That’s a lovely sentiment. Of course, the actual answer to the question is “because our division was complete trash.” The 9-8 Bucs were 5-6 outside of their own division, the best record of any NFC South team. Combined, the four squads were 15-29 (.341 win percentage) against the rest of the league. But, sure, write your own narrative.
** QB Jalen Hurts was asked about his team’s chances of beating those Buccaneers next week. His response: "I truly believe this team is more than capable of taking advantage of what's in front of us.”
That’s a weird way to put it, since the only thing that has been taken advantage of lately is that awful Eagles defense, on nearly every play.
** NBC analyst Cris Collinsworth gave us a few more gems in the final Sunday night game of the season. The worst was after a nice catch by Bills rookie TE Dalton Kincaid, which prompted this comment:
“I’m not going to compare Dalton Kincaid to Travis Kelce. Travis Kelce is a Hall of Famer. But that style of player, that’s exactly what the Bills have in Dalton Kincaid.”
Gotcha. Kincaid is not like Kelce, he’s just exactly the same kind of player. No hyperbole there, just reasoned comparisons.
The NFL season will end next month with Super Bowl LVIII at Allegiant Stadium in Las Vegas. To celebrate the historic occasion, Vegas bookkeepers are offering special rates not just on the playoff games leading up to the championship but also on a host of other football-related wagers too. Here’s a look at the latest odds on some of the best bets:
** $10 bet wins $30 — Taylor Swift will have more screen time than Travis Kelce in the Chiefs first-round playoff game.
** $10 bet wins $11 — The NFL refs will blow a crucial call that decides a playoff game and destroys a fan base.
** $10 bet wins $50 — Aaron Rodgers will have more screen time than Travis Kelce in the Chiefs first-round playoff game.
** $10 bet wins $10.50 — When the 49ers lose in the playoffs again, the high-pitched whining from the fan base will be so loud that whales off the coast of China will beach themselves in confusion.
** $10 bet wins $100 — No one in America will see Travis Kelce in the Chiefs first-round playoff game after the Peacock network goes bankrupt 15 minutes before kickoff.
** $10 bet wins $2,000 — RB Boston Scott will have a positive, relevant play in the Eagles first-round playoff game.
** $10 bet wins $500 — Andy Reid will eat Travis Kelce in a new Allstate commercial that premiers during the Chiefs first-round playoff game.
** $666 bet wins $666.01 — Cowboys fans will be insufferable.
Dallas enters the playoffs in its best shape in years, and is already eyeing a second round post-season win for the first time since 1995 (four years before team WR CeeDee Lamb was born). During those nearly three decades, the NFL and its fans have enjoyed enormous prosperity and peace, without the mark of the devil adorning the championship trophy. Sadly, that cosmic harmony may be in danger this year. And what will it mean if the Cowboys do make it to the final game of the season, not just for the sport, but for all mankind?
Alas, my friends, we all clearly see the answer already. It’s spelled out plainly by the letters in the threat:
The Dallas Cowboys return to the Super Bowl game
** Damage, woe to us — crypts burst below, hell on earth
Repent now, all ye good fans, for the end times may be nigh.
** Dad came into the week needing to pick every game right to force a tiebreaker in our yearly picks contest, and he put up a valiant effort. But his 12-4 showing wasn’t enough, and I claimed the fourth consecutive title in our matchup. I’m now 9-5 against him since 2010, and we don’t need to worry about what the record was before that.
For the season, Dad picked winners 59.6% of the time, while I had a 65.8% correct rate — my best season in years. In fact, that’s better than all 10 “experts” on ESPN’s big prediction board. And yet, the worldwide leader in sports still refuses to pay me for my skills. Unbelievable.
** FYI, if I had done a worst performers of the week list, Eagles WR AJ Brown would have been on it (-0.90 pts). Ugh.
** Monday’s Eagles playoff game in Tampa will come almost exactly two years from the last time these two met in the playoffs: An ugly 31-15 loss by Philly where Hurts looked lost and embarrassed. But after that, the Eagles won 26 of their next 31 games and took a trip to the Super Bowl. So, if the team does go belly up next week as expected … maybe things could get good again? Wishful thinking for those ugly weeks ahead?
The final Awesome Cup standings will be unveiled on Tuesday in the final season recap.
** $10 bet wins $30 — Taylor Swift will have more screen time than Travis Kelce in the Chiefs first-round playoff game.
** $10 bet wins $11 — The NFL refs will blow a crucial call that decides a playoff game and destroys a fan base.
** $10 bet wins $50 — Aaron Rodgers will have more screen time than Travis Kelce in the Chiefs first-round playoff game.
** $10 bet wins $10.50 — When the 49ers lose in the playoffs again, the high-pitched whining from the fan base will be so loud that whales off the coast of China will beach themselves in confusion.
** $10 bet wins $100 — No one in America will see Travis Kelce in the Chiefs first-round playoff game after the Peacock network goes bankrupt 15 minutes before kickoff.
** $10 bet wins $2,000 — RB Boston Scott will have a positive, relevant play in the Eagles first-round playoff game.
** $10 bet wins $500 — Andy Reid will eat Travis Kelce in a new Allstate commercial that premiers during the Chiefs first-round playoff game.
** $666 bet wins $666.01 — Cowboys fans will be insufferable.
Dallas enters the playoffs in its best shape in years, and is already eyeing a second round post-season win for the first time since 1995 (four years before team WR CeeDee Lamb was born). During those nearly three decades, the NFL and its fans have enjoyed enormous prosperity and peace, without the mark of the devil adorning the championship trophy. Sadly, that cosmic harmony may be in danger this year. And what will it mean if the Cowboys do make it to the final game of the season, not just for the sport, but for all mankind? Alas, my friends, we all clearly see the answer already. It’s spelled out plainly by the letters in the threat:
The Dallas Cowboys return to the Super Bowl game
** Damage, woe to us — crypts burst below, hell on earth
Repent now, all ye good fans, for the end times may be nigh.
** Dad came into the week needing to pick every game right to force a tiebreaker in our yearly picks contest, and he put up a valiant effort. But his 12-4 showing wasn’t enough, and I claimed the fourth consecutive title in our matchup. I’m now 9-5 against him since 2010, and we don’t need to worry about what the record was before that. For the season, Dad picked winners 59.6% of the time, while I had a 65.8% correct rate — my best season in years. In fact, that’s better than all 10 “experts” on ESPN’s big prediction board. And yet, the worldwide leader in sports still refuses to pay me for my skills. Unbelievable.
** FYI, if I had done a worst performers of the week list, Eagles WR AJ Brown would have been on it (-0.90 pts). Ugh.
** Monday’s Eagles playoff game in Tampa will come almost exactly two years from the last time these two met in the playoffs: An ugly 31-15 loss by Philly where Hurts looked lost and embarrassed. But after that, the Eagles won 26 of their next 31 games and took a trip to the Super Bowl. So, if the team does go belly up next week as expected … maybe things could get good again? Wishful thinking for those ugly weeks ahead?
The final Awesome Cup standings will be unveiled on Tuesday in the final season recap.
1 comment:
The Eagles continued their recent trend of not playing football when people are watching them. Maybe we should turn the cameras off and have them play in an empty stadium.
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