Fantasy football 2023 -- final season recap

All the games have been played, all the scores have been tallied, and we have an Awesome Cup champion ready to taunt the 11 league losers for the next nine months of non-fantasy football. But before we say goodbye to this year and this rollercoaster of an Eagles season (Five Monday night games? We needed a fifth in the playoffs? Why did the football gods do this to us?) let’s take a look back at where everyone failed and just how bad the Yahoo preseason picks were:

 
All Rogers No Sauce (Joel)
Yahoo prediction: 1857.95 pts, 9th place
My prediction: 1999.98 pts, 6th place
Actual finish: 1657.07 pts, 12th place
NFL equivalent: New England Patriots
The expectations for Joel and the Patsies in August were not that high, but both teams managed to underachieve anyway. Maybe it was QB Trevor Lawrence’s fault — he couldn’t lead real or fantasy teams to the playoffs. Maybe it was too much faith by Joel in an overhyped 49ers defense. Maybe it was the fact that Joel started 10 inactive players over the last four weeks of the season. Whatever the cause, the only solution ahead for both teams is clear: Load Bill Belechick into a cannon and launch him into space. It’s for the good of the teams and the good of humanity.

Crumb Bums (Ant)
Yahoo prediction: 1810.37 pts, 12th place
My prediction: 1811.37 pts, 10th place
Actual finish: 1736.92 pts, 11th place
NFL equivalent: Maryland Commies
Not much was expected of Ant’s team, and not much was delivered. He did manage to kill QB Daniel Jones, RB JK Dobbins, RB Aaron Jones and the remainder of WR DeAndre Hopkins’ career over the course of the season, but his mediocre showing was more than just injuries and age. Cutting WR Diontae Johnson before he was good? Giving up on TE Pat Freiermuth and QB Geno Smith too early? Sometimes coaching is the problem. That’s why the Commies fired their coach one day after the season. Maybe Ant should put Maddie in charge of play calling next season.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo prediction: 1840.26 pts, 11th place
My prediction: 1601.01 pts, 12th place
Actual finish: 1751.13 pts, 10th place
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals
There were times it looked like both of these teams could be the worst in the league, but they both pulled themselves up into relative respectability. But it’s tough to overcome bad drafting, and getting only a half season from WR Cooper Kupp, TE Mark Andrews and QB Deshaun Watson spelled eventual doom. About the only thing you can do with a depleted roster like Jeff’s or Arizona’s is ruin the Eagles season. Then again, just about any team can do that. All it requires is a pulse.

The team of many names (Paul)
Yahoo prediction: 1945.81 pts, 5th place
My prediction: 1695.44 pts, 11th place
Actual finish: 1844.34 pts, 9th place
NFL equivalent: Indianapolis Colts
Paul and the Colts were the feel-good-but-not-too-good story of 2023. The Colts looked like they could finish last in their division, but they contended for a playoff spot until the last minutes of the season. Paul looked like he would repeat in the league basement, but he pulled himself up into the single-digit spots. He set his roster almost every week. He led the league in roster moves! Progress!!! Sure, passing on RB Christian McCaffrey (#1 overall RB) to instead pick RB Austin Eckler (#31 overall RB) will haunt his dreams the whole offseason. But those dreams will be slightly higher up the ladder this time around.

No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob)
Yahoo prediction: 1939.56 pts, 6th place
My prediction: 2167.89 pts, 2nd place
Actual finish: 1998.36 pts, 8th place
NFL equivalent: Denver Broncos
The Broncos were a laughing stock last year, but they took some small steps forward this season and could be a viable playoff team in 2024. Similarly, Bob’s squad did not make a huge jump ahead, but going from 9th last season to 8th this year is an improvement. Sure, his faith in QB Patrick Mahomes burned him, and he never really recovered from the Yahoo algorithm’s decision to draft four TEs. But there is momentum here. There is spirit. All that’s missing for both Bob and the Broncos is some sweet throwback orange uniforms for next year.

Standard Deviations (Sam)
Yahoo prediction: 1905.26 pts, 8th place
My prediction: 1965.26 pts, 7th place
Actual finish: 1998.77 pts, 7th place
NFL equivalent: Houston Texans
By the skin of his teeth, Sam edged out Bob to secure 7th place (just 0.41 pts!). But like the Texans' slim victory in the final game of the season, it was enough to put Sam and his squad at the edge of the playoff line (theoretically, since we still don’t have actual playoffs). Sure, QB Tua Tagovailoa’s late season swoon hurt, and RB Derrick Henry looks like he may be so gassed he can’t outrun a single linebacker (well, probably one on the Eagles, but that barely counts). But a year after finishing in 11th, Sam somehow made it all work enough to end on a positive note.

Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo prediction: 1856.46 pts, 10th place
My prediction: 1923.88 pts, 8th place
Actual finish: 2040.02 pts, 6th place
NFL equivalent: Green Bay Packers
Even when you think the Packers aren’t relevant, they somehow sneak into the playoffs. And even when you think Mike has put together an irredeemable team, he somehow pulls them up and finishes strong. What is the secret to success for both? It’s obvious: cheese. Cheese is what makes great coaches greater. Do you think Chiefs coach Andy Reid won by eliminating cheese from his diet? Did you know that Dallas coach Mike McCarthy’s brain is 79% cheddar? Mike is headed to Wisconsin in the offseason, and once he gets his cheese reserves up even higher, the league may not be able to handle his prowess.

Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo)
Yahoo prediction: 1989.47 pts, 1st place
My prediction: 2046.01 pts. 4th place
Actual finish: 2095.45 pts, 5th place
NFL equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles
The curse of the Yahoo preseason favorite pick continues. Like the Eagles, there was so much expectation here. And like the Eagles (who did make the playoffs and won 11 games), you can’t really complain about the finish, given that Jo finished in the top five. But, still, both teams were leading the league standings early. Both looked like championship contenders. And both finished the season with a thud, with almost no help from TE Dallas Goedert and without a healthy D'Andre Swift on the roster. Here’s hoping the rest of January is kinder to Jo than it will be to the walking dead birds as they enter the postseason.

Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo prediction: 1950.91 pts, 4th place
My prediction: 2133.33 pts, 3rd place
Actual finish: 2139.82 pts, 4th place
NFL equivalent: 2023 Philadelphia Phillies
Yahoo may have gotten the ranking right, but check out how close I was on that point total — only 0.3% off. I could have finished higher if I hadn’t opted to draft all the bad Eagles RBs (Rashaad Penny and Kenneth Gainwell) instead of the one decent one (D'Andre Swift ). Or if my first-round pick, RB Nick Chubb, didn’t have his leg explode early. Or if I had bothered to get a real TE before week 10. This is actually the first time in 22 years of Awesome Cup history that I’ve finished in 4th, and the sixth time in seven years I’ve placed in the top five. Plus, I passed Jo’s team in the standings in just the last two weeks, so that will help me weather another spring without a championship title.

Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad)
Yahoo prediction: 1954.60 pts, 3rd place
My prediction: 1847.94 pts, 9th place
Actual finish: 2164.69 pts, 3rd place
NFL equivalent: Buffalo Bills
Dad gets a podium finish, impressive considering he drafted from the 12th spot last fall. His bold strategy of picking QB Josh Allen over his team’s namesake, QB Jalen Hurts, gave him the margin he needed to stay ahead of my squad, even if it did call into question his true Philly fandom. And Dad averaged the most points off of defensive players — just under 10 pts a week — which is a savvy way to climb up the scoreboard. But his complete disregard for the WR position came back to haunt him. Don’t feel too bad, however: He still gets to take home the Garrity Family championship for the season, a lesser but still prestigious honor.

DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D)
Yahoo prediction: 1935.31 pts, 7th place
My prediction: 2002.55 pts, 5th place
Actual finish: 2212.55 pts, 2nd place
NFL equivalent: San Francisco 49ers
Last year’s champ looked like a real threat to repeat this season, thanks to the top TE (Sam LaPorta), the top WR (CeeDee Lamb) and #2 RB (Raheem Mostert). According to the league record book, Mom D had the most points from draft picks over the course of the season. And like the 49ers, for a brief moment late in the season she had the best team … but then got rolled by our actual champion. Still, it’s Mom’s third consecutive top 5 finish, establishing her as a team to watch in 2024. Sadly, she’ll be watching from the loser’s section with the rest of us, because the only name going on the Awesome Cup is …

 
The Best (Jonathan)
Yahoo prediction: 1957.05 pts, 2nd place
My prediction: 2302.32 pts, 1st place
Actual finish: 2241.70 pts, 1st place
NFL equivalent: 2017 Philadelphia Eagles
It only took our youngest coach three years to reach the champions' stand, an impressive turnaround for someone who didn’t know what a linebacker was just a short while ago (the Eagles still don’t, so …). If you’re gonna name your team “The Best” you better be prepared to back it up. He did. Jonathan drafted two of the top three RBs on the season (Christian McCaffery and Travis Etienne) and managed to stay afloat even as his Pro Bowl QB (Justin Herbert) went down in week 14. He was the second most active coach on the waiver wire and smartly stayed away from Philadelphia players all year long. He’s still not old enough to drink, but Jonathan gets to take a few swigs of sparkling cider from the cup that now bears his name on the side.

In case you’re keeping score at home (which you should be), I went 6-5-1 against Yahoo in the predictions this season, again proving that my prognosticating skills are superior to the so-called football experts out there. If only I could have channeled those stills into not picking WR Terry McLaurin over WR Mike Evans. Those extra 70 points would have almost won me the title.

As always, thanks for playing along and reading all year long. The boy may have come out victorious this season, but you’ll have the opportunity to dethrone him sooner than you think. Only 240 days until the next fantasy football season begins…