Flyers in game 7s

Year	Opponent	Round	Home?	Result
2011	Buffalo	first	home	win
2010	Bruins	second	away	win
2008	Capitals	first	away	win
2004	Lightning	third	away	loss
2003	Leafs	first	home	win
2000	Devils	third	home	loss
1989	Penguins	second	away	win
1988	Capitals	first	away	loss
1987	Islanders	second	home	win
1987	Oilers	finals	away	loss
1981	Flames	second	home	loss
1976	Leafs	first	home	win
1975	Islanders	second	home	win
1974	Rangers	second	home	win
1968	Blues	first	home	loss

Overall record: 9-6

Away record: 3-2

Round 1 record: 4-2

Vs. NY record: 3-0

With Claude Giroux record: 3-0

Better NFL PR than NFL's PR shop

A mid-April NFL quiz for you: Identify which sentences below came from a serious news story by ESPN on the NFL's upcoming schedule release, and which came from a press release promoting the league from NFL headquarters:

"Annually, the release of the NFL schedule has become almost like a national holiday."
-- Answer

"Throughout the (schedule release) show, fans can interact with the analysts and voice their opinions on the 2014 NFL schedule by posing questions via Twitter and Facebook."
-- Answer

"Starting Wednesday, teams can start printing out schedules and fans can start making their plans for the 2014 season."
-- Answer

"A three-hour special hosted by Rich Eisen and featuring analysts Steve Mariucci, Warren Sapp, and Mike Silver breaks down the entire 2014 regular season schedule, division by division, analyzing the top matchups and primetime games"
-- Answer

"Within the next year, NFL owners are expected to vote on the addition of one more playoff team per conference, allowing each conference to have seven playoff teams."
-- Answer

"Finally! NFL will release 2014 schedule on Wednesday night"
-- Answer

OK, that last one was a trick. I guess ESPN isn't the only news org totally in the bag for the league.

Tax day for Philly players

Here's a look at all of Philadelphia's current athletic millionaires -- 65 baseball, football, basketball and hockey players currently make more than $1 million. Combined, they'll collect more than $341 million this year.

That means that through the Philadelphia wage tax -- which sits at just under 3.5% for non-residents -- this group will bring in almost $12 million in tax revenue for the city. Which means Philly will have enough money to hire LeSean McCoy ($9.7 million salary) and Michael Carter-Williams ($2.2 million salary) to pick up trash around City Hall, if they want.

Other interesting observations:

-- The top seven highest paid Philly athletes are all Phillies.
-- Kyle Kendrick gets paid twice what Claude Giroux does.
-- Only one current Sixer and one current Flyer crack the top 20.
-- Jonathan Papelbon stinks.

Phillies home openers, by the numbers

All stats before today's opening day loss.

** W/L in home openers in the last 30 years: 10-20

** Longest home opener winning streak: 2 games (once)

** Longest home opener losing streak: 4 games (twice)

** 10+ runs scored on home opener: 1
** 10+ runs allowed on home opener : 5

** Average home opener margin of defeat: 4.0 runs
** Average home opener margin of victory: 2.8 runs

** Home opener losses that lead to losing seasons: 11
** Home opener losses that lead to winning seasons: 9

** Home opener wins that lead to losing seasons: 6
** Home opener wins that lead to winning seasons: 4

** Home opener losses that lead to World Series appearances: 3
** Home opener wins that lead to World Series appearances: 0

So, ignoring everything but that last stat, be excited that the Phils got killed today. 

Meet the new Phillies

There are a handful of new faces on the Phils this year, so what better way is there to meet them than through anagrams?

Third baseman Cody Asche
-- Hired batsman, cash decoy

Catcher Wil Nieves
-- Relieve, can switch

Relief Pitcher Mario Hollands
-- Harpoon arm, chilliest fielder

Starter AJ Burnett
-- Better stat jar run

Pitcher Jeff Manship
-- no anagram needed

Just a friendly reminder

The Sixers were pretty bad even before the long losing streak. 

Field of 64, Philly style

It's that time of year again. Lots of ups and downs in the last year, and plenty of madness. But who had the best performance in Philly sports?

Click on the picture to enlarge.

Filling an Eagles void

Eagles starters at free safety, 2009-present

-- 2014 (projected): Malcolm Jenkins
-- 2013: Patrick Chung
-- 2013: Earl Wolff
-- 2012: Kurt Coleman
-- 2012: Colt Anderson
-- 2011: Nate Allen
-- 2011: Jaiquawn Jarrett
-- 2010: Nate Allen
-- 2009: Victor Harris
-- 2009: Sean Jones

Eagles starters at free safety, 2001-2008

-- 2008: Brian Dawkins
-- 2007: Brian Dawkins
-- 2007: Quintin Mikell
-- 2006: Brian Dawkins
-- 2005: Brian Dawkins
-- 2004: Brian Dawkins
-- 2003: Brian Dawkins
-- 2003: Clinton Hart
-- 2002: Brian Dawkins

-- 2001: Brian Dawkins

Welcome aboard, Jenkins. You don't have to replace a legend, but try not to be as easily replaceable as the other guys who tried. 

Longest losing streaks in Philly

An updated look at some of the worst stretches of Philadelphia sports:

** 1936-37 Eagles -- 11 consecutive losses
** 1999 Flyers -- 12 consecutive games without a win
** 2014 Sixers -- 15 consecutive losses (active)
** 1920 Athletics -- 18 consecutive losses

** 1971-72 Sixers -- 19 consecutive losses

** 1916 Athletics -- 20 consecutive losses
** 1943 Athletics -- 20 consecutive losses
** 1973 Sixers -- 20 consecutive losses
** 1890 Athletics -- 22 consecutive losses
** 1961 Phillies -- 23 consecutive losses

Bottom line -- the Sixers' current streak is nothing to worry about until they hit 20. Then it's historic.

Best deals for the rest of the Sixers season

The 76ers have lost 11 games in a row, sit 27 games below .500 and just traded away two starters for nothing. So, good seats are still available!

-- Orlando at Philadelphia, 2/26
** Second deck, center: $12.80 for a pair of tickets

-- Utah at Philadelphia, 3/8
** Three rows behind the basket: $59.20 for a ticket

-- Detroit at Philadelphia, 3/29
** Floor level, row 26: $43.60 for a pair of tickets

-- Charlotte at Philadelphia, 4/2
** Second deck, center: $120.40 for 14 tickets

Most painful Olympic results

Because all hundredths of a second are not measured equally...

Gold medal results

Men's 1500M skating, Koen Verweij places 2nd by 0.003 seconds
-- 105.009 seconds total time, 1/35,003th of the race

Men's 500M skating, Jan Smeekens places 2nd by 0.01 seconds
-- 69.32 seconds total time, 1/6,932th of the race

Women's 4x5KM cross country, Finland places 2nd by 0.5 seconds
-- 3183 seconds total time, 1/6,366th of the race

Women's Giant Slalom, Anna Fenninger places 2nd by 0.07 seconds
-- 156.94 seconds, 1/2,242nd of the race

Men's downhill, Christof Innerhofer places 2nd by 0.06 seconds
-- 126.29 seconds total time, 1/2,104th of the race

** The men's 15K mass start biathlon ended in a photo finish for gold. Although not an official time, Martin Fourcade appeared to finish 0.001 seconds behind the gold medal winner. The race took 2549.1 seconds, which would make his margin of defeat about 1/2,549,100th of the race.

No-medal results

Men's 2x15KM skiathalon, Russia places 4th by 0.1 seconds
-- 4096.9 seconds total time, 1/40,969th of the race

Two-Man bobsled, Russia places 4th by 0.03 seconds
-- 226.3 seconds total time, 1/7,543rd of the race

Women's skeleton, Katie Uhlaender places 4th by 0.04 seconds
-- 234.34 seconds total time, 1/5,589th of the race

Men's alpine skiing, Otmar Striedinger places 4th by 0.02 seconds
-- 78.69 seconds total time, 1/3,935th of the race

Men's 10KM biathlon, Anton Shipulin places 4th by 0.7 seconds
-- 1479.9 seconds total time, 1/2,114th of the race

Best names from the 2014 Olympics

Names that are too fun to say
-- Yumie Funayama (Japan, women's curling)
-- Byambadorji Bold (Mongolia, men's cross country)
-- Jenni Asserholt (Sweden, women's hockey)

Names that sound like they must mean something else

-- Havard Bokko (Norway, men's speed skating)
-- Karoly Gombos (Hungary, men's biathlon)
-- Anna Haag (Sweden, women's cross country)

Names that were changed just for the Olympics
-- Arielle Gold (USA, women's snowboard)
-- Gracie Gold (USA, women's figure skating)
-- Taylor Gold (USA, men's snowboard)

Names that sound like celebration cheers
-- Grete Gaim (Estonia, women's biathlon)

-- Beat Hefti (Switzerland, men's bobsled)

-- Tim Hug (Switzerland, men's nordic combined)

Names that should be even longer
-- Ida Ingemarsdotter (Sweden, women's cross country)
-- Thomas Hundertpfund (Austria, men's hockey)
-- Gerhard Unterluggauer (Austria, men's hockey)

Smart Investments

If you invested $1,000 in early 2004 in a CD that paid 5% annual interest, you'd have $1,628.90 today.

If you invested $1,000 in early 2004 in a CD that paid 20% annual interest, you'd have $6,191.74 today.

If you bet $100 each of the last 10 years that the first score in the Super Bowl would be a safety (at 50 to 1 odds, the typical offering for that bet), you'd have $9,200 today.

The sad part is, that third bet is the only realistic offering on this list. But if you find a CD offering 20% annual interest, please let me know.

Super Bowl Prop bets, by the numbers

All bets courtesy of BoDog

1/2 -- Over under for FGs made in the third quarter.

4 -- Number of different ways to bet on the coin toss (Heads/tails, Who will win the toss, Will the team calling the toss be right, will the coin toss winner also win the game).

$17.50 -- Amount won, on a $10 bet, that the Eagles will make the playoffs in 2014.

43 -- Number of different ways to bet on Russell Wilson

90.5 -- Over under for Marshawn Lynch rushing yards in the game

$660 -- Amount won, on a $10 bet, if no penalties are called in the game.

$1000 -- Amount needed to win $100 on a bet that Peyton Manning will be the game's MVP.

Happy reunions

Not content just to bring back 36-year-old Marlon Byrd, the Phillies on Tuesday signed 39-year-old former Fightin' Bobby Abreu to a minor league contract (with a chance to make the team in spring training).

Since the Philadelphia front office is on a nostalgia binge, here are a few other names to consider before April rolls around:

** P Curt Schilling: The 47-year-old was always a fan favorite, and you can never have too many arms. Plus, given his recent financial troubles, he could probably use the money.

** OF Pat Burrell: Mr. "The Bat" is two years younger than Abreu and would provide that much-needed right-handed bat the team has lacked since ... well, Pat Burrell.

** QB Jeff Garcia: Sure, he's 43 and never played baseball, but he was always a fan favorite, and you can never have too many arms.

** OF Gary Matthews: The team just fired the 63-year-old broadcaster from his TV gig, but maybe he could provide some late-inning entertainment in another way.

** 1B Ryan Howard: The Big Piece was huge for the Phillies in 2008 and 2009 but hasn't been seen since then. Would be nice to have him hitting for the team again.

** C Darren Daulton: Why the hell not? This team already looks like a mess. Might as well have fun.

Your guide to NFL championship weekend rooting

Looking back

From NFL.com, Aug. 29:

NFC East predictions

Adam Schein: Philadelphia Eagles. Surprised? Don't be. Nine wins might equal a title in this mediocre division. I believe in new coach Chip Kelly, and I think LeSean McCoy is in line for a fantastic season.

Schein was the only one of NFL.com's "experts" to pick the Eagles right. Hell, he may have been the only person in America outside the Eagles organization to say that publicly. And he picked the Texans, Ravens, Falcons and 49ers in the final four.

All I'm saying is, it's hard to get upset about a close playoff loss when it never seemed like they had a chance to be close.

Thanks for making football fun again, Chip. Looking forward to more wins in nine months.

Fantasy League 2013 -- final results

Another season is in the books, and the Awesome Cup is all shined up for its new home. But before the official award ceremony, let’s look back on how the other 10 losers did this year:

Timmy and the Jets (Joel)
Projected finish: 2147.77 pts (5th place)
Actual finish: 1808.72 pts (11th place)
NFL equivalent: Jacksonville Jaguars
Much like the lowly Jags, Joel just couldn’t score any points. Blame his NFC-West-heavy receiving corps. Or QB Matt Ryan. Or bad coaching. Or the new rule changes that make it harder to play defense. Or the economy. Whatever you want, really.

The Maltese Falcons (Bobert)
Projected finish: 2501.33 pts (1st place)
Actual finish: 2039.08 pts (10th place)
NFL equivalent: Houston Texans
Bob’s Super Bowl expectations blew up early, much like the Texans’ season. But he can’t be too upset, since his team’s demise was largely lead by QB Robert Griffin’s sad season. Bad for the Racial Slurs, good for Bob’s Philly rooting interests. Way to take one for the team.

Cheatstrong (ChampMike) 
Projected finish: 2486.41 pts (2nd place)
Actual finish: 2057.89 pts (9th place)
NFL equivalent: Hotlanta Falcons
Geez, did I get any predictions right? Another Super Bowl/ Awesome Cup pre-season favorite goes up in flames. Mike’s problem was mostly apathy, since he clearly didn’t set his roster for weeks. But Andy Reid forgot to coach his team after a 9-0 start, and they still finished strong, right? Wait, they went 2-5 at the end? Damn.

Bad like Congress (Jim)
Projected finish: 2001.03 pts (9th place)
Actual finish: 2082.82 pts (8th place)
NFL equivalent: The House Republicans
Finally, a team finishes around where I thought. I can’t really figure out where things went wrong for Jim, so I can only assume his team decided to take October off without any real plan of how to secure victory. It’s either that or QB Colin Kapernick was a complete let-down this year.

Show me your TDs (Ant)
Projected finish: 1864.55 pts (11th place)
Actual finish: 2108.78 pts (7th place)
NFL equivalent: Cleveland Browns
Not much was expected of the 2011 Awesome Cup champion, so give Anthony credit for what he achieved this year: mediocrity. Like the Browns, Anthony’s squad wasn’t the worst, but was just generally boring. And isn’t that a worse crime than being terrible? At least the really bad Cleveland Indians teams became the basis for “Major League.”

Gettin' Chippy (Jo)
Projected finish: 1999.29 pts (10th place)
Actual finish: 2144.27 pts (6th place)
NFL equivalent: New Jersey Giants
Jo is gonna blame this mediocre finish on QB Tom Brady’s sub-par season, but that’s a cop-out. She had the league’s leading rusher (LeSean McCoy, thank you very much) and a stable of decent TEs. A good coach finds a way to win with that. A bad coach sits around and watches a dopey QB drag the whole team down. Wait, am I talking about Jo or Tom Coughlin?

I mildly like WRs (Paul)
Projected finish: 2146.77 pts (6th place)
Actual finish: 2314.66 pts (5th place)
NFL equivalent: Detroit Lions
Paul’s team stumbled, but like the Lions, you can’t blame his beloved (or mildly beliked) receivers. Brandon Marshall, Demaryius Thomas, Marques Colston, Jarrett Boykin -- if this were a real team, he’d be set. But Adrian Peterson’s off year and his thin RB corps doomed him to a pathetic, objectionable, would-have-been-in-a-different-league’s-playoffs, fifth-place finish.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected finish: 2079.56 pts (8th place)
Actual finish: 2327.88 pts (4th place)
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals
Jeff managed to crack the top five despite making only a single roster move this season. Imagine how he would have finished if he had been trying. Personally, I think what really held him back was having a Dallas RB on his roster. Despite good statistics, those guys always choke down the stretch.

Sheldon Cooper (Dad)
Projected finish: 2200.08 pts (4th place)
Actual finish: 2370.72 pts (3rd place)
NFL equivalent: Chicago Bears
Poor Dad -- he grabs the best fantasy player of the last 30 years (QB Peyton Manning and his insane 520-plus pts) but still only manages a distant third place. Granted, he had no decent wideouts or running backs and had to rely on Denver’s sieve of a defense, but that’s no excuse. This is a league that’s based on offense. That’s why only four of the last 25 teams to average more than 30 points a game have won the Super Bowl.

III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome)
Projected finish: 2321.21 pts (3rd place)
Actual finish: 2457.67 pts (2nd place)
NFL equivalent: Seattle Seahawks
In another year, totaling just shy of 2500 pts would be enough to win the title. Mark that down as another reason why 2013 stunk. I overcame QB Aaron Rodgers’ injury, grabbed QB Nick Foles and the league-leading Seattle D off the wire, and coached my makeshift WR corps of TY Hilton and Wes Welker to near glory. But this league follows “Talledega Nights” rules -- if you’re not first, you’re last -- so I did no better than everyone but the champ. Except, you know, I did way better than most of you.

Kickers Rule (Sam)
Projected finish: 2106.41 pts (7th place)
Actual finish: 2603.94 pts (1st place)
NFL equivalent: Denver Broncos
Both Sam and Denver set new team scoring records this season. But while Denver did it the easy way -- assembling a strong team from undervalued free agents and solid draft picks -- Sam did it the smart way: dumb luck. RBs Jamaal Charles and Matt Forte topped the league, QB Cam Newton piled up the points, the KC defense fell in his lap, and he laughed all the way to the top. Not too bad for someone who could only name about six NFL players at the start of the season.

Congrats, Sam. You name has been etched among the legends of the league.

Thanks again to everyone for participating this year. I'm not sure if you all stick around because you enjoy playing or because you enjoy me making fun of you playing, but either way I appreciate it. Let's do it again in eight months. 

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 17 recap

 

Every year, around this time, there’s a wonderful spirit of kindness and brotherhood that spreads throughout the country. We all come from different backgrounds, different beliefs, different colors, but we unite in the same spirit of togetherness and community. It’s a beautiful, serene experience.

I’m talking, of course, about the final Dallas game of the year.

The Cowboys completed the NFC East trifecta on Sunday night, losing the division title in their final contest for the third year in a row. And they did it with three different teams: in 2011 it was the Giants; in 2012, the Maryland Racial Slurs; and this year, the beloved Eagles.

Last year, Philly and New Jersey fans put aside their differences to root for the Maryland team. Two years ago, you could feel the love from Philly and the DC suburbs pushing the G-Men to victory. And last night, the whole East Coast felt united in Brotherly Love behind another soul-crushing defeat of Dallas.

The Cowboys’ final-day choke comes but once a year, but if we truly believe in the magic of that game, we can keep that feeling in our hearts all year round.
  Top fantasy performers of the year

3rd QB: Andy Dalton, 354.64 pts -- 16th QB drafted (me)
2nd QB: Drew Brees, 435.68 pts -- 2nd QB drafted (Ant)
1st QB: Peyton Manning, 520.98 pts -- 3rd QB drafted (Dad)
First QB drafted? Aaron Rodgers, by me. I dropped Dalton early and kept the Packers QB, who ended up 23rd in pts, behind Geno Smiith. Smart play.

3rd WR: Brandon Marshall, 262.17 pts -- 5th WR drafted (Paul)
2nd WR: Demaryius Thomas, 272.33 pts -- 6th WR drafted (Paul)
1st WR: Antonio Brown, 274.43 pts -- 21st WR drafted (Jeff)
I guess Paul gets to keep his “I love WRs” team name next year…

3rd RB: LeSean McCoy, 313.13 pts -- 3rd RB drafted (Jo)
2nd RB: Matt Forte, 319.50 pts -- 12th RB drafted (Sam)
1st RB: Jamaal Charles, 356.90 pts -- 9th RB drafted (Sam)
Doug Martin and Arian Foster looked like such good top five picks in September…

3rd TE: Julius Thomas, 189.53 pts -- 20th TE drafted (Sam)
2nd TE: Tony Gonzalez, 190.77 pts -- 3rd TE drafted (me)
1st TE: Jimmy Graham, 264.50 pts -- 1st TE drafted (Dad)
Catching a theme yet? Sam got great production this year from late draft picks.

3rd K: Justin Tucker, 162.00 pts -- 6th K drafted (Dad)
2nd K: Matt Prater, 170.00 pts -- 5th K drafted (Mike)
1st K: Stephen Gotkowski, 179.00 pts -- 3rd K drafted (me)
We did surprisingly good drafting kickers. Usually the top guys end up being undrafted schlubs.

3rd DEF: Kansas City, 229.00 pts -- undrafted
2nd DEF: Carolina, 230.00 pts -- undrafted
1st DEF: Seattle, 239.00 pts -- 1st DEF drafted (Paul)
And Paul turned around and dumped the Seattle D two weeks into the season. Thanks!

3rd D: Lavonte David, 92.00 pts -- undrafted
2nd D: NaVarrow Bowman, 96.50 pts -- undrafted
1st D: Karlos Dansby, 103.50 pts -- undrafted
Honestly, I can’t remember the last time we did draft one of these guys.

“End of the year” edition
4th place: Luke McCown, -0.40 pts
3rd place: Charlie Whitehurst, -0.50 pts
2nd place: Matt Moore, -1.88 pts
1st place: Curtis Painter, -1.92 pts

All backup QBs on the final loser list, but Painter’s interception in the waning moments of Sunday’s meaningless Giants win allowed him to jump below Moore for the season title.

With the crown comes fame, fortune, and the knowledge that even though he threw for only 57 yards and two INTs on the year, Painter still had a better season than Eli Manning’s 27-INT campaign. His 69.4 QB rating was good for 39th in the league (among QBs with 100-plus attempts), and could have slumped lower if he didn’t leave Sunday’s game early with an ankle injury.

Never change, little Eli. Never change.


Before last week’s Military Bowl (featuring 9-4 Marshall vs. 7-5 Maryland), ESPN ran a promo defending the ridiculous slate of post-season college games. “They matter, because they matter to them” it stated, referring to the dozens of relatively unknown (and likely undraftable) players who get one last chance to take the field as college athletes.

And that’s fine. Hell, I love me some extra college football. But let’s be honest about what it is: A participation trophy for all the little leaguers who don’t win.

There are 35 bowl games this year. Of the 70 teams featured, 16 have seven wins or fewer. No one is watching the Beef O Brady’s Bowl or the Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl (both real) for the beauty of competition. It’s a gold star for the kids who finished in the top 70.

Congrats to the San Diego Chargers, who just barely reached the playoffs this year but are a shoo-in to hold up the Lombardi trophy in a few weeks. Why? Just look at the last few years of Eagles history for the answer:

2009 Philly home opener: 48-22 loss to the Saints
2009 Super Bowl: Saints win, 31-17

2010 Philly home opener: 27-20 loss to the Packers
2010 Super Bowl: Packers win, 31-25

2011 Philly home opener: 29-16 loss to the Giants
2011 Super Bowl: Giants win, 21-17

2012 Philly home opener: 24-23 win over the Ravens
2012 Super Bowl: Ravens win, 34-31

2013 Philly home opener: 33-30 loss to the Chargers
2013 Super Bowl: ???

Seems pretty obvious that San Diego will be hoisting the trophy soon enough. Of course, maybe the other team to play in that Philadelphia home opener gets to sneak in this year...


After another sad regular season finish for America’s team, is there a better way to close out another year of insult anagrams than with the Dallas squad’s plans for January? I think not, because even in the off-season, these folks are pure evil.

Dallas Cowboys players, coaches preparing for the postseason
** Plans are golf practice, cosy booth, sleep, spa days, arson, whores

I don’t write them, folks. I just rearrange the letters.


** I went 14-1 in my picks this week, triumphantly storming back and tying Dad in our weekly contest with just a single game left on the schedule (thanks to some creative picks from Dad). Sadly, that left the Eagles/Dallas game as a tiebreaker, and Dad took the under on the 52.5 over/under line to win the tiebreaker and the season.

That gives Dad a lifetime record in the picks of … (checks his files) … you know what, that’s not important. Onto the playoffs.

** The Broncos scored 606 points this season, a new NFL record. At the other end of the offensive spectrum, the Jaguars have scored 607 points in their last 37 games combined.

** ESPN hired Tim Tebow to talk about college football. Now ESPN is going to be able to cover itself covering football, because everything Tebow does is newsworthy. It’s called making your own news.


Week 17 Standings and the awarding of the Awesome Cup will be unveiled tomorrow.

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 16 recap

What noteable NFLers are asking for Christmas this year:

** Eagles QB Nick Foles: More sleeping pills, so he never wakes up from this wonderful dream of a season.
** Cowboys WR Dez Bryant: No More Tears bath wash.
** Lions WR Calvin Johnson: About a dozen more competent teammates.
** Chiefs coach Andy Reid: A sandwich.
** Giants QB Eli Manning: A Dopey Dwarf mask, so he could look less dopey. (What a dope.)
** Patriots QB Tom Brady: A soul.
** Eagles coach Chip Kelly: His first win in Dallas Stadium, which would be his first against the Cowboys, which would be his first division title, which would be soooo awesome.
** Cowboys owner Jerry Jones: More puppy blood to drink

QB: Peyton Manning, 40.00 pts -- started by Dad
WR: Eric Decker, 30.73 pts -- started by Jim
RB: LeSean McCoy, 33.23 pts -- started by Jo
TE: Julius Thomas, 17.20 pts -- started by Sam
K: Josh Brown, 15.00 pts -- started by Joel
DEF: New England, 30.00 pts -- on Mike’s bench
D: Vincent Rey, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Yeah, yeah -- Peyton is great. On Sunday he broke the NFL single-season record for TD passes (51), and he’s just 265 yards shy of the season record for that too. But crazier is the gap between him and second place, QB Drew Brees. The Saints’ signal caller has 16 fewer TDs on the year, 430 fewer passing yards, and 97 fewer fantasy pts. That’s a ridiculous gap. For comparison, Bears QB Jay Cutler (who has battled injuries) only has 17 TDs on the year.

It’s a historic season for Manning, and one that surely will be marked by another disappointing playoff exit. In the last 29 years, the AFC’s #1 seed has only won the Super Bowl twice.

“Getting defensive” edition
2nd place (tie): Minnesota, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place (tie): Chicago, -2.00 pts -- started by Joanner
1st place: Houston, -5.00 pts -- on Joel’s bench

Houston’s defense has among the worst fantasy stats of the year (5.9 pts a week) but the Minnesota defense is currently the worst of the lot. They’ve posted just 81 pts on the year (5.4 pts a week) and 18 of those came on kick return TDs.

Chicago’s poor showing this week probably has something to do with those 54 points they surrendered to the Eagles on Sunday night. Probably.

On the local DC Monday morning radio show, analyst Kevin Sheehan tried to nail down what Maryland Racial Slurs QB Kirk Cousins was missing on the final drive of Sunday’s loss to the Cowboys. His conclusion:

“The last four plays, they needed a playmaker to make some plays, and he didn’t.”

If only their first-string starter, Robert Griffin, was in play, then maybe he could have played playmaker for a few plays.

One week left, but still plenty of football left to watch and ponder. Consider:

** Will the Rams get the #1 draft pick?
-- The Texans, at 2-13, have the worst record in the league. But if they beat the Titans on Sunday, and the Racial Slurs lose again, the Maryland squad gets the top pick … except they already gave it to the Rams in the Robert Griffin trade. With their own 7-8 record, they could have two top-10 picks.

** Can the Cardinals win 11 games and miss the playoffs?
-- It’s only happened twice before, and both times in the AFC. But, thanks to key tiebreakers, if both the Cardinals and Saints win, Arizona will have their highest regular season win total and no post-season to show for it.

** Can the Packers or Vikings get a tie?
-- No team has posted two ties in a season since the NFL added overtime, but Green Bay and Minnesota have a chance to do so this season. FYI, if the Bears and Packers tie in that winner-take-all NFC North game, Chicago heads to the post-season.

** Can every AFC wild-card hopeful miss the playoffs?
-- Simply put, none of the contenders control their own destiny, thanks again to tiebreakers. Dolphins need a win and a Ravens or Chargers loss. The Chargers need a win and a Baltimore and Dolphines loss. The Ravens need a win and a Dolphins or Chargers loss. And if all three lose, the Steelers can win and get in the playoffs. All this to lose to the Bengals in the first round…


Early indications are that Cowboys superstar QB Tony Romo won’t be available to play in Sunday’s winner-take-all game because of his chronic sucking … I mean back pain, his chronic back pain. In his place will be the only other QB on the Dallas roster for most of the year, 10-year pro Kyle Orton, who has only 12 completions over the last two years (but 1 TD pass!). How will this turn out? I think we all know the answer…

Kyle Orton’s emergency start in Dallas
** No entry, no mercy. Eagles kill sad tarts

FYI, this is the third year in a row that the Cowboys head into week 17 with a playoff spot on the line. In 2011, they lost to the New Jersey Giants and missed the post-season. In 2012, they lost to the Maryland team and missed the post-season. This year…?

** Picked up two more games on Dad this week, which leaves me down a touchdown again with just a week left. If I score, I’m going for two.

** NBC made sure to mention that Eagles fans once booed Santa Claus during the game on Sunday. One night later, ESPN made sure to mention that there was an earthquake in San Francisco in 1988, just before a baseball game was supposed to start. So, just remember that it’s nothing personal. These producers are just idiots, and they can only remember one thing about a city.

** FYI, the trade deadline for this league was four weeks ago. If your plan was to get a last-minute move to propel your squad to victory, you’re worse at end-of-game strategy than Andy Reid.

Week 16 standings

1 -- the american way (Sam) -- 2467.87 pts
2 -- III-time Champion (Capt Awesome) -- 2310.03 pts
3 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 2231.98 pts
4 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 2226.11 pts
5 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 2195.42 pts
6 -- Gettin' Chippy (Joanner) -- 2019.92 pts
7 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 1971.98 pts
8 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 1969.02 pts
9 -- Cheatstrong (Mike) -- 1936.56 pts
10 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 1890.52 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 1680.05 pts

So you’re saying there’s a chance…

With one week left, my team is within 157 pts of Sam. If I hang up a 200 this week and his team only scores 40 combined … look, it could happen.

Meanwhile, less than 40 pts separates third place from fifth, which is important for draft position next year (maybe) and personal pride (almost certainly not). Anthony and Jim could still catch Joanna for the middle spot in the league, and Joel … well, someone has to be the Houston Texans in the final recap.

One week left, folks. Finish strong.