What noteable NFLers are asking for Christmas this year:
** Eagles QB Nick Foles: More sleeping pills, so he never wakes up from this wonderful dream of a season.
** Cowboys WR Dez Bryant: No More Tears bath wash.
** Lions WR Calvin Johnson: About a dozen more competent teammates.
** Chiefs coach Andy Reid: A sandwich.
** Giants QB Eli Manning: A Dopey Dwarf mask, so he could look less dopey. (What a dope.)
** Patriots QB Tom Brady: A soul.
** Eagles coach Chip Kelly: His first win in Dallas Stadium, which would be his first against the Cowboys, which would be his first division title, which would be soooo awesome.
** Cowboys owner Jerry Jones: More puppy blood to drink
QB: Peyton Manning, 40.00 pts -- started by Dad WR: Eric Decker, 30.73 pts -- started by Jim
RB: LeSean McCoy, 33.23 pts -- started by Jo
TE: Julius Thomas, 17.20 pts -- started by Sam
K: Josh Brown, 15.00 pts -- started by Joel
DEF: New England, 30.00 pts -- on Mike’s bench
D: Vincent Rey, 13.00 pts -- on the wire
Yeah, yeah -- Peyton is great. On Sunday he broke the NFL single-season record for TD passes (51), and he’s just 265 yards shy of the season record for that too. But crazier is the gap between him and second place, QB Drew Brees. The Saints’ signal caller has 16 fewer TDs on the year, 430 fewer passing yards, and 97 fewer fantasy pts. That’s a ridiculous gap. For comparison, Bears QB Jay Cutler (who has battled injuries) only has 17 TDs on the year.
It’s a historic season for Manning, and one that surely will be marked by another disappointing playoff exit. In the last 29 years, the AFC’s #1 seed has only won the Super Bowl twice.
“Getting defensive” edition
2nd place (tie): Minnesota, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place (tie): Chicago, -2.00 pts -- started by Joanner
1st place: Houston, -5.00 pts -- on Joel’s bench
Houston’s defense has among the worst fantasy stats of the year (5.9 pts a week) but the Minnesota defense is currently the worst of the lot. They’ve posted just 81 pts on the year (5.4 pts a week) and 18 of those came on kick return TDs.
Chicago’s poor showing this week probably has something to do with those 54 points they surrendered to the Eagles on Sunday night. Probably.
On the local DC Monday morning radio show, analyst Kevin Sheehan tried to nail down what Maryland Racial Slurs QB Kirk Cousins was missing on the final drive of Sunday’s loss to the Cowboys. His conclusion: “The last four plays, they needed a playmaker to make some plays, and he didn’t.”
If only their first-string starter, Robert Griffin, was in play, then maybe he could have played playmaker for a few plays.
One week left, but still plenty of football left to watch and ponder. Consider:
** Will the Rams get the #1 draft pick?
-- The Texans, at 2-13, have the worst record in the league. But if they beat the Titans on Sunday, and the Racial Slurs lose again, the Maryland squad gets the top pick … except they already gave it to the Rams in the Robert Griffin trade. With their own 7-8 record, they could have two top-10 picks.
** Can the Cardinals win 11 games and miss the playoffs?
-- It’s only happened twice before, and both times in the AFC. But, thanks to key tiebreakers, if both the Cardinals and Saints win, Arizona will have their highest regular season win total and no post-season to show for it.
** Can the Packers or Vikings get a tie?
-- No team has posted two ties in a season since the NFL added overtime, but Green Bay and Minnesota have a chance to do so this season. FYI, if the Bears and Packers tie in that winner-take-all NFC North game, Chicago heads to the post-season.
** Can every AFC wild-card hopeful miss the playoffs?
-- Simply put, none of the contenders control their own destiny, thanks again to tiebreakers. Dolphins need a win and a Ravens or Chargers loss. The Chargers need a win and a Baltimore and Dolphines loss. The Ravens need a win and a Dolphins or Chargers loss. And if all three lose, the Steelers can win and get in the playoffs. All this to lose to the Bengals in the first round…
Early indications are that Cowboys superstar QB Tony Romo won’t be available to play in Sunday’s winner-take-all game because of his chronic sucking … I mean back pain, his chronic back pain. In his place will be the only other QB on the Dallas roster for most of the year, 10-year pro Kyle Orton, who has only 12 completions over the last two years (but 1 TD pass!). How will this turn out? I think we all know the answer…
Kyle Orton’s emergency start in Dallas
** No entry, no mercy. Eagles kill sad tarts
FYI, this is the third year in a row that the Cowboys head into week 17 with a playoff spot on the line. In 2011, they lost to the New Jersey Giants and missed the post-season. In 2012, they lost to the Maryland team and missed the post-season. This year…?
** Picked up two more games on Dad this week, which leaves me down a touchdown again with just a week left. If I score, I’m going for two.
** NBC made sure to mention that Eagles fans once booed Santa Claus during the game on Sunday. One night later, ESPN made sure to mention that there was an earthquake in San Francisco in 1988, just before a baseball game was supposed to start. So, just remember that it’s nothing personal. These producers are just idiots, and they can only remember one thing about a city.
** FYI, the trade deadline for this league was four weeks ago. If your plan was to get a last-minute move to propel your squad to victory, you’re worse at end-of-game strategy than Andy Reid.
Week 16 standings 1 -- the american way (Sam) -- 2467.87 pts
2 -- III-time Champion (Capt Awesome) -- 2310.03 pts
3 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 2231.98 pts
4 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 2226.11 pts
5 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 2195.42 pts
6 -- Gettin' Chippy (Joanner) -- 2019.92 pts
7 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 1971.98 pts
8 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 1969.02 pts
9 -- Cheatstrong (Mike) -- 1936.56 pts
10 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 1890.52 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 1680.05 pts
So you’re saying there’s a chance…
With one week left, my team is within 157 pts of Sam. If I hang up a 200 this week and his team only scores 40 combined … look, it could happen.
Meanwhile, less than 40 pts separates third place from fifth, which is important for draft position next year (maybe) and personal pride (almost certainly not). Anthony and Jim could still catch Joanna for the middle spot in the league, and Joel … well, someone has to be the Houston Texans in the final recap.
One week left, folks. Finish strong.
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