Fantasy League 2013 -- week 14 recap

** Sunday’s Eagles/Lions game was the first time in 56 years that an NFL game has gone without a FG or an extra point being scored, thanks to the six-inches of snow that fell during the game, making the field unkickable. Amazingly, you wouldn’t know that from the final score: 34-20, which -- thanks to some two-point conversions and misses -- looks like a totally normal game.

** Related to that: On Sunday, Broncos K Matt Prater booted a record-breaking 64-yard FG in Denver. Across the country, former record holder -- Lions K David Akers -- had a chip-shot extra point blocked in the Lions loss because of the snow.

** Two games on Sunday featured a punt return TD and kick return TD by the same team: the Lions and the Chiefs, who played on a snow-covered field in Maryland against the Racial Slurs.

** The wind chill in Chicago for Monday night’s game was -15 F at points -- cold enough that several pictures of fans’ beers freezing over have been circulating on social media. But those fans were warmed by seeing their cold-weather home team upset the Cowboys, who are now 12-17 in December during the Tony Romo era.

** In that 45-10 Chiefs win, the disgusted Maryland fans started throwing snowballs -- at their own team. Nothing like a little inclement weather to draw out their true colors.

QB: Josh McCown, 47.52 pts -- on the wire
WR: Marques Colston, 29.33 pts -- started by Paul
RB: LeSean McCoy, 34.97 pts -- started by Jo
TE: Charles Clay, 25.47 pts -- on Mike’s bench
K: Matt Prater, 17.00 pts -- started by Mike
DEF: Kansas City, 28.00 pts -- started by Sam
D: John Abraham, 16.50 pts -- on the wire

McCown, in five starts and two backup appearances, has more fantasy pts on the year (161) than supposed Bears starting QB Jay Cutler (145) had in eight starts. Just saying.


“Unlucky Dad" edition
3rd place: Washington, -4.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place:(Tie) Tennessee, -6.00 pts -- on Dad’s bench
1st place:(Tie) Indianapolis, -6.00 pts -- started by Dad

Six defenses ended up in negative territory this week, but none could have done worse than Dad’s pair of defensive options. Both the Titans and Colts bottomed out this week, allowing more than 40 pts (42 for Indy, 51 for Tenny) without recording a single sack, turnover, or positive play. That’s the first time this season we’ve seen the nix-six (I’m trademarking that) and it came on a day where Dad was going to make the wrong choice no matter what D he went with. Kinda poetic, actually.


Saturday night’s Big Ten Championship game was awful to watch (four straight QB runs, Urban Meyer? A fourth, when the first three weren’t successful?) and Fox color commentator Charles Davis did everything he could to make it worse.

In the third, with the Buckeyes up a few despite the offense still sputtering, Ohio State managed to break off a few nice runs. Davis announced that “Right now, Urban Meyer is telling his coaches that he only wants to see two men with the ball: (QB Braxton) Miller and (RB Carlos) Hyde. Nobody else.”

This was stupid on several levels. One, it was obvious: the team was calling twice as many running plays as passing plays, because the passing game wasn’t working. And up until that point only Hyde and Miller had rushed the ball in the game. Not a difficult prediction.

Except, of course, Davis had no idea what Meyer was thinking/planning, and was just simply barking names he saw in front of him. As soon as he said that, Miller handed off the ball to RB Jordan Hall, who broke off a 13-yard run for his only carry of the game.

It was the perfect illustration of what little insight the guys in the booth have during the game. Sadly, Davis was not fired on the spot.

On Monday night, in the Bears victory over the Cowboys, Chicago RB Michael Bush caught a swing pass and sprinted 20 yds for a touchdown. It was the 100th TD of the NFL weekend, setting a new weekly scoring record for the league. Here’s a look at why scoring is up this year:

** New NFL rules award two TDs for every pass interference penalty.

** Chip Kelly and his genius new offensive schemes, of course.

** Drugs? It’s probably drugs.

** The NFC North forgot to field any defenses this year.

** NFL got a good deal on touchdowns when they bought them in bulk over the summer.

** Peyton Manning, mostly.


The football season is 17 weeks long, but the Cowboys have almost three times than many players on the roster, so I don’t get to take a close look at each of them in this weekly anagram research. So, this week I decided to look at some of the newest Dallas faces I haven’t yet profiled, and see if there’s any common thread.

Rookie Cameron Lawrence
** A weak relic, moron. Encore!

Rookie Terrance Williams
** A clearer wit: I like morons

Rookie Jakar Hamilton
** Hark, I lit! A joke, a moron

Rookie William Wilson Webb
** I be a moron, below kiwi swill

I dunno … nothing sticks out. These guys all just kinda seem like morons.


** Split the picks with Dad this week, still down a touchdown with three weeks left in the season. Getting ready to channel my inner Shady McCoy and break off some impressive fourth-quarter heroics to speed by him for the victory.

** Boy, that final Eagles/Cowboys game looks bigger every week.

Week 14 standings

1 -- the american way (Sam) -- 2135.60 pts
2 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 1972.47 pts
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1957.75 pts
4 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 1950.16 pts
5 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 1902.05 pts
6 -- Gettin' Chippy (Joanner) -- 1756.42 pts
7 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 1719.93 pts
8 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 1717.75 pts
9 -- Cheatstrong (Mike) -- 1691.30 pts
10 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 1680.24 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 1485.52 pts

Another week, another 200 pts for Sam. He’s starting to roll the league now. I’m in second and 163 pts back -- with three weeks left, he might be able to bench his entire team to prep for the playoffs.

Sam’s also on pace to set a new record for single-season fantasy points for the “Who Needs Linebackers” league (2,545 pts, set by me all the way back in 2005). Right now, he’s about 400 pts away, and on pace to top 2,700 pts. If he managed that feat, his payout for winning the league gets doubled.

Meanwhile, everyone else -- you stink. You haven’t even topped 2,000 pts yet. Remember: If you’re not first, you’re last. Well, you’re near last, at least. Joel is definitely still last.