2011 fantasy football -- draft order

Welcome to fantasy football 2011, better known as “The Quest for Awesome Cup X.” Over the last nine years we’ve had 14 different coaches and seven different champions, but today, everyone starts on equal footing (except me, since I am the reigning Awesome Cup champion for another four months). Nothing is certain. The entire season is a blank slate, just like Andy Reid’s mind on third and one (Pass? Or pass?)

Unfortunately, we’re not even one day into the season and we’ve already got controversy. Long-time fantasy manager Heidi was busted for performance enhancing drugs this weekend, her second violation of the league’s zero-tolerance policy. Sure, it’s unclear how extra folic acid would have helped her roster-setting skills, and the pregnancy seems like a legit excuse, but rules are rules. She’s banned for the season.

Luckily, I’ve already found a replacement, so the draft will take place on schedule next Saturday. For anyone who may have forgotten in the offseason, here are the draft order rules. Because the entire league could not be present for the selection show, appropriate proxies are standing by to represent each coach.

As per unofficial league rules, newbie gets the last pick, so the first name on the board is ...

** 12th pick -- Sam

Welcome to the league, Sam. May your dreams crash and burn like the Patriots in the 2010 playoffs. For the record, the last rookie we put in this spot ended up winning the trophy, so if that happens again we may need to reconsider how we put this system together. Sam’s stand-in for the evening, a copy of Madden 2002 for the Playstation, glares across the line of scrimmage at the news.

The next four names go into the Eagles skull cap and the first name out is ...

** 11th pick -- Capt. Awesome

Seriously, who came up with this idiotic draft order process? My proxy, Junior Awesome, responds to the news by yelling, then bashing the TV stand, then falling asleep. Well played, son. Lull everyone into a false sense of security with the bad pick position, then steal the league out from under them. You’re getting your own team next year.

Another name in, another name out ...

** 10th pick -- Champ Mike

Mike finished second to me last year, so it’s only fitting his name comes after mine again this year. Mike’s proxy, a 2004 Eagles NFC champions T-shirt, is strangely absent from the room at the moment … just like his team was strangely absent from the league until the last moment. One year, we’ll get those Doyles to sign up on time. But it won’t be in the league’s first decade, apparently.

Next pick coming out goes to …

** 9th pick -- Joel

Joel finished in the top half of the league last year and gets rewarded with the worst possible slot he could get. His representative, a plush Eeyore doll, stares glumly from the other side of the room, looking for a thistle sandwich to ease the pain of the news.

Our next cheerful contestant on the board is ...

** 8th pick -- New Mike

It’s hard to remember that this is only New Mike’s third year in the league (in large part because none of us remember who this guy is at all) but he’s already posted two impressive finishes and hoisted the Awesome Cup once. His proxy, scattered pieces from fire truck puzzle, lay unorganized around the toy box, presenting a mystery to us all.

Coming in at the next spot is...

** 7th pick -- Jeff

The Blue Collar Killers will have to produce some blue-collar work to get decent results out of this slot -- No one has ever won the league drafting 7th (note: I didn’t actually fact-check that. It just sounds right). Jeff’s representative, a dragon scooter, takes the news without flinching, his vacant eyes just boring a hole through my soul. I hate that dragon.

Onto the next pick ...

** 6th pick -- Joanna

Joanna’s proxy, Joanna, raises her annual line of questioning about why we conduct the draft order in this fashion and if it’s really necessary to line up all the stuffed animals in the room to watch. She is once again ignored.

The next pick out of the hat goes to ...

** 5th pick -- Bobert

The only league coach with a Ph.D. used his smarts to move way up in the draft order this year -- he finished third in 2010, so by all rights he should be picking much later. His stand-in, a copy of the Dr. Seuss classic “Oh the thinks you can think,” admonishes his opponents with the query “Would you dare yank a tooth off the Rink-Rinker-Fink?” Consider the gauntlet thrown down.

Picking just before him will be ...

** 4th pick -- Dad

Dad gets in line for one of the four elite RBs with this pick (Peterson, Foster, Johnson and … I dunno, Marshall Faulk?), which is great news for his chances. Dad’s proxy, my son, informs me he’s going with his grandfather’s team because he has a better pick, and possibly some Cheerios. That child is a traitor. No team for him next year.

Next name out of the hat is ...

** 3rd pick -- Jim

Great news for Jim: Rashard Mendenhall will almost certainly be available with this pick, along with any number of QBs. Terrell Pryor will probably still be there too. Columbus residents love that guy, don’t they? Jim’s representative, a Brutus Buckeye bottle opener, signals victory in response.

Only two left, and the lucky runner up is ...

** 2nd pick -- Ant

What a waste. You know Anthony is just going to pick up LaDanian Tomlinson yet again with this pick. His fill-in, an Achorman DVD, reminds us all that “Milk was a bad choice.” Not sure how that applies here, but everybody has their own strategy.

All that leaves just one name up top ...

** 1st pick -- Paul

Has a wideout been selected #1 in any fantasy draft ever? This could be the year. Paul and his legendary love of wide receivers pull down the #1 pick, giving him the option of taking Andre Johnson, DeSean Jackson, Reggie Wayne, Greg Lewis … whoever his heart desires. Paul’s proxy, a pair of Eagles mittens, gives itself a round of applause.

OK, folks, get those pre-draft rankings set. The league gets switched to live Saturday morning. Good luck to all (except cheating Heidi).

Just so we're all clear what happened ...

On Friday, the Redskins torched the Colts in a preseason match-up. QB John Beck, an unremarkable 30-year-old with only five career starts, looked sharp and appears to have the inside track for the opening day starter job.

Over the weekend, the Nationals took two of three games from the Phillies. The two losses included three blown saves -- before Friday, the Phillies only had two blown saves on the year.

On Monday, the Nationals won their fifth game in seven tries, this time against another division-leadin team (the Diamondbacks).

On Tuesday, the East Coast was hit with a freak earthquake, centered just out of Washington, D.C.

What I'm trying to say is, if Washington teams keep winning, it could mean the end of the world.

Fantasy leaders so far this preseason

After one week of preseason play:

QBs
1) Stephen McGee, Dallas -- 26.32 pts
2) Matt Moore, Miami -- 14.92 pts
3) Greg McElroy, NYJ -- 14.32 pts

Great performance by the Dallas backup, who brought his team back in the fourth quarter for an incredibly important win. For his career, McGee has only one fewer playoff win than starter Tony Romo. Could there be QB controversy brewing? We could only hope.

RBs
1) Richard Medlin, NE -- 17.40 pts
2) Stevan Ridley, NE -- 16.40 pts
3) Keith Toston, StL -- 12.40 pts

The New England running attack may finally come around this season, as long as they're playing the third-string Jacksonville defensive linemen every week.

WRs
1) Dwayne Harris, Dallas -- 25.47 pts
2) Taylor Price, NE -- 18.00 pts
3) Santana Moss, DC -- 17.27 pts

Why in the hell is Moss -- a #1 wideout -- on this list? Oh, that's right. Shanahan's entire team is backups this year. Nevermind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please use these statistics to evaluate the hidden talent in the league, and draft wisely for the regular season (especially if you're in my leagues. Toston looks like a great first round steal.)

Historical perspective

The Phillies won their 77th game Wednesday night, in their 117th game of the season. If they go 5-40 in their last 45 games, they'll still have a winning record at the end of the year.

For comparison's sake, in the 20 years before Charlie Manuel took over the Phils (in 2005), they posted fewer than 77 wins on the season 10 times. Two other years they posted exactly 77 wins in 162 tries.

Manuel now sits 25 wins away from the franchise all-time mark for wins by a manager. If the Phillies finish with 102 victories, he'll have that before the 2011 playoffs start.

Rejected 2011 fantasy football team names

** The Tiki Barbarians
** Chad NewEnglandCheatsO
** Straight Retirement, Homey
** T. Ouch
** Asomugha Awesomites
** Farve-ever
** Manning 2 Manning
** Lockout Laugh Track
** McNabbulous Minneapolis
** Romo for MVP

Right now, the leading contender for my team is "Corn on the Kolb" (stolen from another site). But it's early.

2011 Fantasy Lockout League results

With the lockout season ending this week, here’s a look at how everyone did in our league this year:

6th place -- Rookie Cap Rumble (Paul)
1342 pts
** Drafting QB Tom Brady was huge for Paul -- His 15 plaintiff points per week led all litigators in the Circuit Court Conference. But the rest of his crew was a major disappointment: Judge David Doty had no running game whatsoever, and his kicker (a contract addendum mandating a 20-game season) ended up costing him in the end.

5th place -- NBA strike 4ever (Mike)
1555 pts
** Mike’s wideout corps of Hines Ward and Kenny Britt came through with a whopping 42 points each in criminal distraction points, but the fun stopped there for his squad. Bills owner Ralph Wilson as lead negotiator? Please. How’s he gonna deal with a legal audible when he can’t even field a decent linebacker corps?

4th place -- Hall of Shame Game (Anthony)
1677 pts
** Two words for why this team failed: Tony Romo.

3rd place -- Rosen-House Party (Bob)
1687 pts
** You knew Bob was just going to stack up the stats with workhorse Roger Goodell in his backfield, but he really hit the jackpot by snagging former U.S. solicitor general Paul Clement off the waiver wire. If only Raiders owner Al Davis hadn’t abstained from the final contract vote, he would have gotten the 100-point “unanimous vote” bonus and stolen the title.

2nd place -- NLFPA LOL (Joanna)
1701 pts
** Drew Brees, Logan Mankins, Mike Vrabel … it seemed like Joanna had every player in the 8th District end zone all season long. In the end, the only mistake she made was banking on the Albert Haynesworth civil suit to get her extra penalty points, but Rashard Mendenhall’s bin Laden tweets almost put her over the top anyway. Almost.

1st place -- Decertify This (Me)
1751 pts
** Peyton Manning was the real star for my team: His consistency scoring bargaining points and TV commercial payouts made your team’s final deals look more NHL than NFL. But the real key was the strategy in not drafting any fans for my team, so I didn’t have to take a 20-point penalty multiple times as they all got screwed each week.


Thanks everyone for playing. We’ll do it again in seven to ten years.

Missing in action

A quick look back at the first half of the Phillies season, through the appearances of their seven established position players:
Good work by Howard and Ibanez to stay in there for nearly every game. And despite having their starters play in only 16 games together, the team still posted the best record in the league.

Now everybody get healthy already. No more gray.

Stupidest HR Derby tweets

Actual Twitter posts carrying this week's #HRDerby tag:

@ArlaFusselman57: Robbie Cano calm down... your doing to good...
-- If he had just misspelled it "clam" too, we'd have something.

@espn: Somebody call Marshawn Lynch. Robinson Cano is officially in beast mode tonight.
-- The N in ESPN stands for NFL. The E stands for football.

@jvtorresjr: So people were complaining that last nights #HRDerby was boring... People also complained about #steroids in #MLB! Which one is it?
-- There were 95 HRs last night. No one was complaining there were too few.

@WinonaWachobQQI: @LoMoMarlins how soon can we expect to see you competing in #HRDerby
-- Logan Morrison (of the Marlins) has 14 HRs in 572 plate appearances. Keep waiting.

@PatPumpBGIL: I'm very surprised by the lack of #HRDerby tweets I've been seeing.
-- More than 100,000 tweets were sent with this tag. It was a trending topic all day.

@CarenHaby2603: Chris berman makes the #hrderby entertaining. I love his sayings. "That one was all the way to the space station" lol
-- This person must be killed, for the good of the species.

Updating my memorabilia

The Flyers season may have ended on a sour note this year, but that's no reason to hold a grudge against the team. So I dusted off my Flyers calendar from 2010 (remember, they were in the finals just 13 months ago) to hang it with pride among my other sports memorabilia. Only one problem...

Yeah, um, Carter, Richards and Gagne aren't on the team anymore. So, maybe we'll go with the more recent calendar instead...

See? Much better. Richards, Carter, Powe, Carcillo and Leino aren't on the team anymore, but there still are a few familiar faces. Like ... Briere! And Pronger! And Hextall!

Ugh.

Cliff Lee in June

Click on the picture to enlarge.
Pretty boring month all around.

That's a 0.22 ERA, for those of you counting at home.

How the NFL is trying to ruin football (this week)

Details of the potential settlement between owners and players leaked today. Most of the proposals are what you'd expect: a modified rookie wage scale, team spending caps and minimums, discussions on future expansion to an 18-game season.

However, one simple proposal on the table would ruin the NFL landscape instantly: 16 Thursday night football games over the course of the season, starting in 2012. No details on what weeks those games will be played, but here's why that sucks.

1 -- One or two football games on Thanksgiving makes Thanksgiving awesome. Three is overkill. Five or six makes it exhausting. We gotta have dinner at some point.

2 -- Thursday night games not on Thanksgiving stink. Thursday night football is meant for teams like Boise State, not the Bengals, even if Boise State could probably beat them. Most people have to work on Fridays, whether or not there is a game.

3 -- The short advance week for Thursday games screws with team's practice and recovery schedules. And the long week following games gives those teams an unfair advantage for the next match-up. That's fine for a few unusual circumstances, but every other week? No.

4 -- Thursday night games are a pain in the ass for fantasy football.

5 -- The NFL network will undoubtedly broadcast the Thursday night games and call them "special editions of Sunday Night Football." And that makes all of us dumber.

The perfect All-Star ballot

All Phillies (and former Phillies, because I can't vote for Francisco) on the right.

All fun names (and no Yankees or Red Sawx) on the left.

Click to enlarge.

Another 10,000 loss team

Remember the royal treatment the Phillies got back in 2007 when they became the first professional sports franchise to collect 10,000 losses? Well, they're about to get some company.

Coming into Tuesday night's games, the Hotlanta Braves had collected 9,982 losses in their 135-year history, putting them on pace to break the 10K plateau somtime in July. If they can manage a 12-17 record from tonight on, that will give them a chance to hit the mark during a three-game set in Philadelphia just before the All-Star break.

Of course, like all things the Braves do, the new 10,000-loss mark will be less of an accomplishment than their predecessors' was. The Phillies, the oldest continuous one-city franchise in American sports, performed all of their losses as citizens of the city of brotherly love. The Braves had to spread out their losses over three cities, under the names of the Atlanta Braves, Milwaukee Braves, Boston Braves, Boston Bees, Boston Rustlers, Boston Doves, Boston Beaneaters and Boston Red Caps.

The next 10,000 loss team likely won't come for another four seasons -- The Chicago Cubs currently sit 277 losses below that mark. After that, the next team up is the Washington Natinals, who have lost 9,000 games in the last three years alone.

Happy birthday, G

It's good to know that as Chris gets older, he still has plenty of fans.

What's the word?

A look at the most frequently used words on the Phillies official Twitter account since May 1:

Observations:
-- Lots of Hamels, not much Halladay.
-- More Valdez than Utley is understandable, but sad.
-- A lot of 3-0 counts. Not sure why.
-- Everybody hits. Woo-hoo!

The post where we pretend to care about the NBA Finals

Possible outcomes of the NBA season, with pros and cons:

4) Miami Heat defeats Dallas/Oklahoma City
Pros: LeBron will probably cry, the fans at the victory parade will likely be scantily clad.
Cons: LeBron will be insufferable, ESPN will have stories about him all summer long, Cleveland will likely riot and burn to the ground.
Verdict: Worst outcome possible.

3) Oklahoma City Thunder defeats Miami/Chicago
Pros: Somebody new will finally win a championship, Kevin Durant doesn't seem like a jerk
Cons: Somebody is going to have to look up where Oklahoma City is, no city that just stole a team deserves a championship, nobody cares about Oklahoma
Verdict: Could be worse, but couldn't be more boring

2) Chicago Bulls defeat Dallas/Oklahoma City
Pros: LeBron and Wade watch the team they almost played for win it all
Cons: Whiny Chicago gets yet another championship, Michael Jordan somehow gets three more sponsorship deals, Oprah will get involved
Verdict: Nevermind, I'd rather see the Thunder win

1) Dallas Mavericks defeat Miami/Chicago
Pros: Somebody new will finally win a championship, Mark Cuban is comically insufferable for months, David Stern commits suicide
Cons: Dallas wins a championship
Verdict: Call them the North Texas Mavericks and let's call it a deal

Phillies scoring

What this chart tells us:

1 -- The Phillies have been a pretty good team since 2000.
2 -- There is no explanation for why everything went right in 1993.
3 -- There is too many easily accessable baseball statistics databases online today.

Breaking down the draft

It's time to analyze the Eagles draft the only way that makes sense: anagraming the names of the rookies to see what really lies inside their character.

Round 1 -- OL Danny Watkins
Anagram: Old tank yawns in
Analysis: He's a 26-year-old college grad, and even he is bored with this pick .Why should we be excited? Cut him from the team.

Round 2 -- DB Jaiquawn Jarrett
Anagram: Jaw ajar, quits rent
Analysis: A slack-jawed deadbeat? How does that help the secondary? Cut him from the team.

Round 3 -- DB Curtis Marsh
Anagram: Charms disturb
Analysis: I don’t care how cool he seems, I don’t trust the guy. Cut him from the team.

Round 4 -- LB Casey Matthews
Anagram: Why bet, classmate?
Analysis: HORRIBLE PICK. The last thing the Eagles need is a college athlete clearly hiding an illegal gambling habit. Cut him from the team.

Round 4 -- Nebraska K Alex Henery
Anagram: Akers’ ankle hex nearby
Analysis: Probably an accurate description -- Akers is likely to blow out his leg trying to upstage this kid. To protect David, cut him from the team.

Round 5 -- RB Dion Lewis
Anagram: Ole bird wins
Analysis: GREAT PICK. That’s what I like to see: players who have a winning attitude and the team mascot right in their names. Keep him.

Round 5 -- OL Julian Vandervelde
Anagram: Older juvenile vandal
Analysis: Old and immature? No thanks. We already have Vick. Cut him from the team.

Round 6 -- OL Jason Kelce
Anagram: Jello-cake son
Analysis: Great -- another overweight, out-of-shape O-lineman. Cut him from the team.

Round 6 -- LB Brian Rolle
Anagram: Barbell, I lorn
Analysis: Aw, somebody get this poor guy a set of weights to play with. Then cut him from the team.

Round 7 -- DE/LB Greg Lloyd
Anagram: Dry gelled glob
Analysis: What’s with all the fat guys this year? Is Andy trying to make himself look skinnier? Cut him from the team.

Round 7 -- RB Stanley Havili
Anagram: Shy vanilla biter
Analysis: If you want to play in the NFL, you can’t be shy, you can’t be boring, and you can’t bite people. Cut him from the team.

Not a good sign -- 11 draftees, 10 losers, one winner. It's gonna be a long season, if they ever start it up.

No Draftsgiving this year

Blame the lockout.

A day of history

On Sunday, within a span of just a few hours, the Phillies beat the Padres, the Sixers beat the Heat, and the Flyers beat the Sabres. That's a historic three-peat -- the last time all three of those teams won on the same day was ...

2009. Just over two years ago, actually, on April 19, 2009. It happened a few time in the 2000s, but only once in the 90s.

Huh. Sorta feel like that should have been more unusual.

On another note, no Philadelphia team has lost a game 7 while Cliff Lee was in town. I'm just saying.