Fantasy league 2020 -- week 6 recap

At the end of Sunday’s Eagles/Ravens game, the only two players on offense who were starters on opening day were QB Carson Wentz and C Jason Kelce. And while Wentz is doing everything he can to get himself benched, it is also clear that his motivations may stem from a desire not to be killed and buried alongside his teammates because of the porous offensive line.

With that in mind, here are a few possible solutions to the pass-protection and run-blocking problems of the team:

** Sumo wrestlers: The Japan Sumo Association opted to cancel the Summer Grand Tournament earlier this year but has re-opened play in recent weeks. But a bunch of these guys are still probably out of work at the moment. Why not try to just drop a few human mountains on the line and see if it slows down the defense? They won’t be agile, but at least running around them might take a few extra seconds.

** Use JJ Arcega-Whiteside: He’s worthless as a wide receiver. But maybe if the offensive line picks him up and throws him at the defensive ends at the start of each play, he can actually help the offense for a change.

** Proper scouting and drafting of players: I’ve heard this helps get professional level linesmen, but it sounds kind of crazy to me.

** Rick Lovato on every down: Who needs protection when your QB is 15 yards behind the line of scrimmage? Have the long snapper toss it way back to Wentz, who can use his arm to toss bombs for 3-yard gains.

** Maybe get rid of the ball faster: I dunno, instead of trying to duck five oncoming rushers. It’s worth a shot.

QB: Deshaun Watson, 40.00 pts — started by Jo
WR: Justin Jefferson, 29.57 pts — on Joel’s bench
RB: Derrick Henry, 33.42 pts — started by Paul
TE: Trey Burton, 17.97 pts — on the wire
K: Brandon McManus, 24.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: (tie) Miami, 20.00 pts — started by me
DEF: (tie) Tampa Bay, 20.00 pts — started by Sam
D: Tae Crowder, 11.00 pts — on the wire

Always good to see Burton — the second-best quarterback in Super Bowl LII (one completion to Nick Foles for a TD) — getting some well-deserved attention.

There’s not much that’s worse than losing to a team that only scores field goals, but McManus helped hand the New Covid Patriots their third loss of the season with his six field goals on Sunday.

For the record, there have been three times in history when a team has kicked seven field goals in a game, scored no TDs and won. The only fun one worth highlighting was the 1989 Vikings/Rams contest, where Minnesota K Rich Karlis booted his seventh, a 40-yarder, at the end of regulation to send the game into overtime. The Vikings later won the game … on a blocked punt safety, 23-21. That’s a lot of attention on kicking for one game.

Oh also Watson and Henry were absolute monsters this week and that Tennessee/Houston game was lit and maybe the Texans are good again and whatever let’s get back to kicking trivia.

“Bad decisions” edition

3rd place: Minnesota, -2.00 pts — started by Ant
2nd place: Green Bay, -3.00 pts — started by Dad
1st place: Dallas, -5.00 pts — started by Joel 

Care to guess what the worst fantasy player in all the NFL is right now? That would be the Dallas defense, worth -2.00 pts after six weeks of play. No team has surrendered more points (210, on pace for 560, which would be an NFL record) or recorded fewer turnovers (three, tied with Green Bay). They’ve been worth negative fantasy points three times already this year and scored a zero in week 3 versus Seattle. If not for a fumbler return for a TD against the Giants last week, they’d be in negative double digits.

Oh, and their team is still in first place in the NFC East, because everything about 2020 is just terrible.


** Because the NFL can’t get any dumber, the Cardinals/Cowboys game at 8pm Monday was “Monday Night Football” but the Chiefs/Bills game played at 5pm Monday was “a special Monday edition of Thursday Night Football.”

And before you say that could make sense, since the Chiefs game was supposed to have been played on Thursday night, remember that half of the time the Thursday night games are “a special Thursday edition of Sunday Night Football.” So, really, the game should have been “a special Monday edition of the Thursday edition of Sunday Night Football.”

But it would be ridiculous to say that, of course.

** The Dolphins, a team that is 3-3 and hasn’t finished with a winning record since 2008, announced Tuesday they are benching QB Ryan Fitzpatrick in favor of rookie Tua Tagovailoa because “it’s about the team,” according to league source to local Miami press.

Fitzpatrick boasts a 95.0 QB rating on the year and is in the top 12 in passing yards and completion percentage, but sure, the team probably needs a rookie to help them get over the hump.

** In an interview with CBS this week, Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes was asked what it means to be the highest-paid player in football. His response was “I’m just glad that I’m financially secure and able to take care of my family.”

Look, I get athlete-speak, but you signed a $503 million contract for the next 10 years. He makes about $100K every eight minutes of football this season, whether he’s on the field or on the bench. I think that’s a little more than basic financial security.
 

Ohio State plays its first game of the college football season this week, a showdown against Nebraska in Columbus in front of a crowd of only staff and family. Here’s what to expect from the unusual eight-week season:

** Week 1 — Ohio State wins. The drop from #5 in the polls to #7 because “they haven’t played enough games.” The Pac-12’s top team, Oregon, is moved ahead of them, boasting an 0-0 record, as their first game isn’t until Nov. 7.

** Week 2 — Ohio State wins. ESPN runs a feature questioning whether the Big Ten is endangering student athletes by allowing games to take place amid the pandemic. The piece is followed by a glowing tribune to the still-active tailgating scene on SEC campuses.

** Week 3 — Ohio State wins. They drop from #7 to #8 because of last season’s loss to Clemson in the playoffs.

** Week 4 — Ohio State wins. Notre Dame loses by five touchdowns to Clemson. The Fighting Irish are moved up to #3 in the rankings for putting up a good fight.

** Week 5 — Ohio State wins. The NCAA cancels all remaining games, citing skyrocketing cases of coronavirus among SEC and ACC teams. The Big Ten is blamed for not having strict enough precautions to keep those teams safe.

** Week 6 — Ohio State is upset by Illinois, in large part because no team members travel to Illinois.

** Week 7 — Despite no games on the week, Alabama is awarded the National Championship, because they had that one good win against an overrated Georgia team.

** Week 8 — Even with no players on the field, Ohio State beats Michigan by 14.

If you think I’m overreacting, ESPN this week is welcoming back Ohio State football with a several-thousand word feature on … the time in 2010 when the Ohio University mascot hit Brutus Buckeye with a sucker punch. SEC football got glowing scouting reports of their squads ahead of their first games, but sure, there’s no bias to see there. 

With the gruesome injury to Dallas QB Dak Prescott last week, the Cowboys front office was forced to rearrange their depth chart hastily this week. Longtime Bengals QB Andy Dalton (Lo, dandy tan) is the new starter for the team. Cowboys seventh round draft pick Ben DiNucci was elevated to the backup role. Pundits were concerned about his fit when the team selected him, but a quick look at the letters in his name show why he’s a perfect fit:

New Dallas Cowboys backup quarterback Ben DiNucci
** A wreck: no quickness, wobbly pace, bad cut. A club nadir.

Of course, Dalton looked bad enough on Monday night that maybe the Cowboys should consider putting DiNucci’s wobbly feet in there.

** Dad and I split our picks this week, but since one of mine was the Cowboys to thump the Cardinals, I was happy to be wrong. And I mean really wrong. I thought I was gonna have to call the cops on that beat down. I remain four ahead of Dad in the yearly standings.

** The Dodgers/Rays World Series means one city is guaranteed to get two championships this year, so I think we should all agree none of the trophies count before one of these shantytowns decides to get all uppity about their success.


Week 6 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 815.61 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 808.51 pts
3 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 799.30 pts
4 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 775.12 pts
5 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 773.44 pts
6 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 727.18 pts
7 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 725.34 pts
8 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 716.14 pts
9 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 688.08 pts
10 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 643.07 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 505.66 pts

Remember when I made fun of Mike for losing his starting QB last week? He picked up Ryan Tannehill off the waiver wire and got 36.56 pts out of him. Jerk.

Big week from Joanna, who pulled herself from loser island (occupants: Ant and me) to the shores of the promised land. And a huge week from Paul gets him swimming from the ocean pit of despair (occupants: Dad and Joel) towards loser island, which is kind of an upgrade? I dunno. I lost this whole maritime metaphor somewhere in the waves.

The Thursday night game is Eagles versus Giants, so get your teams ready … by removing all of the Eagles and Giants from your starting spots. I can’t believe the presidential debate may be preferable to watching this ugly fest.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 5 recap

Some saw the postponement of the Titans/Bills game to Tuesday night this week because of coronavirus concerns as a sign of looming misfortune for the NFL. But the NFL saw it as a unique opportunity to free themselves of the shackles of expected football times, and embrace the future they have always wanted: unlimited football.

Here’s what is on tap for coming weeks:

** Wednesday night football: What’s the only night of the week that the NFL has never had a game? Let’s fix that now! Will it count for the week before or the week after? Will teams be expected to play on three days rest? Answer: Who cares!?! It’s a chance to claim another night of television for the NFL commercial salesfolks.

** Saturday morning football: The pros have always stayed away from Saturday afternoon to avoid conflicts with college football. But there’s a big block of open time between 8am and noon that is currently unoccupied by any football. Who’s up for some Bengals vs. Jets over Cheerios? 

** Sunday midnight games: NFL has tried to pick up fans in Europe, but what about China? It’s the largest untapped football market out there. A few games in the wee hours of Sunday morning — putting them mid-afternoon in Beijing — should help ease the fan base there into the excitement.

** Blursday afternoon football: If you think the NFL isn’t powerful enough to create an eighth day of the week and force football in there, think again.

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 34.20 pts — started by Bob
WR: Chase Claypool, 35.43 pts — on the wire
RB: Mike Davis, 23.40 pts — started by me
TE: Jonju Smith, 17.70 pts — started by Mom D
K: Jason Sanders, 22.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 29.00 pts — started by Joel
D: Patrick Queen, 17.00 pts — on the wire

It’s not every week that a rookie wide receiver is the top points scorer, but it’s also not every week that a rookie wideout gets to ride the Philadelphia defense wheel of fun.

This week, Claypool dinged the Eagles secondary for 110 receiving yards and four TDs (one rushing) in a monster fantasy performance. Last week, it was San Francisco TE George Kittle, who had 15 catches for 183 yds and a TD. The week before, Bengals WR Tyler Boyd had 10 catches for 125 yds. Against the Rams a week earlier? TE Tyler Higbee had only 54 yds receiving but also three TDs.

Now, I’m not a professional-level defensive coordinator, but the Eagles staff doesn’t seem to have that either, so here’s my suggestion: See what guy scores first, and then try covering him for the rest of the game. Like, triple team him. I don’t care if that means seven different people score. Stop letting one guy beat you every week. Or, you know, just stop it one week.

“Names you know” edition

3rd place: Ke’Shawn Vaughn, -0.67 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.92 pts — on the wire
1st place: Mike Thomas, -1.00 pts — on the wire

Vaughn was a popular waiver wire pickup this week, and rewarded desperate fantasy owners with an awful performance of two catches and one fumble. New Orleans WR Michael Thomas didn’t play this week and still managed to score more fantasy points than his name doppelganger, Bengals WR Mike Thomas, who had one rush, one catch and one fumble.

But the headline of the week was Garoppolo, a Super Bowl QB nine months ago, getting benched in the second half for poor play. He had seven completions for 77 yds and two interceptions, compiling a QB rating of 15.9 — less than half of your QB rating of 36.8 (one attempt, no completions/yds/TDs/INTs).

The 49ers coaching staff later said that Garoppolo was benched to protect him because the game was out of reach and he was coming off a recent injury. Also, watching himself play anymore may have caused an upset stomach.

** The CBS football ticker running after the Chiefs/Raiders game announced that “David Carr and the Raiders hand Kansas City their first loss since November 2019.”

I guess “13-game winning streak” wasn’t impressive sounding enough. Calling it an 10-month undefeated streak is much better, considering they played football in three of them. 

 
** During the Vikings/Seahawks game, with Minnesota up 13-0, Seattle charged down the field and scored a TD with 10 minutes to go in the 3rd quarter. NBC commentator Chris Collinsworth said that the Vikings offense needed to get moving, because a six-point lead is not much for the explosive Seattle offense to overcome.

Over the next six plays, the Vikings turned over the ball twice and Seattle scored two more TDs. And then Collinsworth announced that “now the Vikings have a problem.”

To the football novice, giving up 21 points in less than two minutes of game time may not seem like a problem, given that there are 60 minutes in a whole game. But Collinsworth’s keen sense of the game seems to be on the right track here. Did you know that NFL teams don’t typically score at a pace of 630 points per game? And that when they do score that quickly, even over a short period, it can leave teams in a significant hole on the scoreboard?

A few minutes later, Collinsworth confused a field goal and a touchdown, but I think such minor mistakes can be forgiven given the deep analysis he’s involved in nearly every broadcast.

** Ahead of this weekend’s game, Eagles coach Doug Pederson said that second-year wideout J.J. Arcega-Whiteside “is still a part of what we’re doing” on offense and “he’ll be ready for Sunday.”

In fact, he was neither part of the offense (1 catch for 37 yards) nor ready for Sunday. His only catch was in bounds when the Eagles had no timeouts left, and helped run out the clock instead of giving the birds a chance at a field goal.

JJAW, who the Eagles coaching staff insists still could live up to his late second-round potential, now has 10 catches for 169 yds and one TD in 19 career appearances. Travis Fulgham, a former sixth-round pick who the Eagles literally picked out of a trash bin late last month, had 10 catches for 152 yds and one TD on Sunday alone. But, sure, keep trotting JJAW out there.
 

Now that the Lakers have won their 17th championship (tied for the most of an NBA franchise), here’s a short list of cities that aren’t allowed to whine about any of their sports teams until 2050: 

1 — Boston: Always at the top of the list. They complained mightily about the Red Sox’ “drought” of 86 years while their three other sports teams brought home a combined 20 tiles over that span. And since 2004, they’ve won 10 more. Enough. Forever.

2 — Los Angeles: I don’t care if the Dodgers haven’t won one since 1988, even after eight straight division titles. You have six NBA titles in the last 20 years, including one Lebron James handed to you as a reward for tanking for a half-decade. Plus you somehow got two football teams even though you never supported your old ones.

3 — New York: Nobody cares how long it has been since your last championship, because you always remind us the Yankees have 27 rings. Plus none of your football teams play in the city. If you want to include them in your championship totals, you might as well include the Boston wins as “New York adjacent” too.

4 — Green Bay: Green Bay is the 297th largest city in America. It’s also tied for 10th on the all-time list of sports championships in U.S. history. Baltimore is five times larger and has one fewer championship. Good work on overachieving. Now accept that you have more than you deserve.

5 — Dallas: You are the center of evil in the world today. All good people must unite to stop your villany from advancing any further.

6 — Tampa: Look, at this point I have to root for the Rays to win the World Series as the only palatable team left. But you just got your second NHL championship (hockey! In Florida! The birthplace of ice sports!) and have enough college football history nearby to keep you busy. Stay out of the big leagues after this next one.

St. Louis, I'm watching you. You're not on the list for now, but keep your nose clean. 


One of the interesting things about rookies in the NFL is they can give fans a new perspective on what the leadership situation is on current teams. Are there individuals who can inspire them? Are there toxic personalities that stunt their growth as players? 

For an individual like Bradlee Anae, the Cowboys fifth-round pick last spring, the results so far have been surprising. Just look at what his name says about the current chain of command in Dallas:

Cowboys rookie DE Bradlee Anae
** A nadir: We obey coke dealers. Boo.

I know Anae thinks this is a low point for the franchise, but honestly, we’ve suspected most of the coaching staff and ownership were drug dealers for a few decades now.

** Lost both of my picks against Dad this week, so my lead drops to plus-four on the season. But the real loss here is on Dad’s side, because after two weeks of me taunting him over his misplaced faith in the Raiders, he picked against them on Sunday and they scored the biggest upset of the season so far. That’s gonna get in his head for the rest of the season.

** Less than two weeks until Big Ten football starts and the pundits start complaining about how schools like Ohio State and Penn State are endangering student-athletes even though the SEC has been playing non-stop since August without anyone really raising any alarms. But, you know, SEC football always gets the positive spin.

** If the Eagles ever do start winning, though, we all may need to get Fulgham jerseys. The best sports team name in the world is the Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Fighters, I’m working on “FulgHam Fighters” T-shirts already but running into problems with Japanese copyright law.

Week 5 standings

1 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 703.04 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 694.55 pts
3 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 679.98 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 679.08 pts
5 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 646.28 pts
6 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 638.81 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 622.02 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 609.53 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 544.04 pts
10 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 535.03 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 462.60 pts

Bob’s reign of terror is over for the moment, as Mike’s squad becomes the first to top 700 pts on the season. And his team is unlikely to give up that lead, with all-star QB Dak Prescott just racking up the yards with another big perfor… aaaand he’s dead. Best of luck, Mike.

We remain sequestered in our separate points islands, with our top four living the tropical escape life on their island; Mom D, Joanna and me on the undeveloped jungle patch a few miles away; and Dad, Paul and Joel on the barren rock out in the middle of the Pacific. Ant is swimming between islands at the moment, pray he doesn’t get eaten by sharks.

This week’s Thursday night game is … cancelled! Because of covid! But don’t worry, the NFL rescheduled the Chiefs/Bills game for Monday at 5pm, so it’s still super inconvenient to watch. The league is always thinking of you and how to make your football distraction just a little bit harder to watch.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 4 recap

Actual text thread from Sunday:

1226 pm
G: No Peters, no Reagor, no Alshon, no DeSean. This Eagles/Niners game may end up 42-0
Me: This is a sure Eagles win. Cleveland is going to upset the Cowboys. This is the worst Eagles team in a decade so they will be in first by midnight.
G: I see that Leo has gotten into the Drain-O again.
Bob: It’s 2020. Nothing has to make sense for it to happen
Me: They’ll just find an awful way to win tonight. Bob has it right.

204pm
Bob: Heckuva job, Brownies!
G: Careful, Bob. Thousands of Cleveland residents have been duped before. You should NEVER trust the Browns to win a game.
Me: It’s happening, G.
G: Listen, I would love to be wrong here. I just can’t believe in the Browns.
Ant: [Cleveland rocks gif]

412pm
G: C’mon, 2020. Show me yet again how wrong I am!
G: Oh thank God I was wrong.
Me: Never a doubt.

710pm
G: Wow the line is SF minus 9.
Me: Put your money in now. What’s the payout for a straight Eagles win?
G: [Facepalm gif]

1047pm
Me: This game is setting up for a late FG to tie and no scoring in overtime.
G: That’s crazy talk. When has that even happened in an NFL game before.
Jo: Does anyone have a place where Leo can sleep tonight?

1055pm
Bob: Whut is happening?
G: Whaaaaaa
Jo: Who????
Me: [Literally indecipherable babble]
Ant: Crap we’re on a 15 second delay!!!!!!

1104pm
G: I can’t. I just … seriously, they are going to lead the division.
Me: FIRST PLACE
Ant: I’m winded
Me: G I TOLD YOU DAMMIT
Me: IIIIII TOOOOLLLLDDD UUUUU
G: You did.
Ant: Leo, go take a shower, you stink.

I could try and explain the shower thing, but to be honest, it never made any sense … sorta like the Eagles leading the NFC East at 1-2-1.

QB: Dak Prescott, 45.28 pts — started by Mike
WR: Odell Beckham Jr., 33.30 pts — started by Bob
RB: Joe Mixon, 38.10 pts — on Dad’s bench
TE: Robert Tonyan, 27.53 pts — on the wire
K: Brandon McManus, 18.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Kansas City, 21.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
D: Pierre Desir, 14.50 pts — on the wire

Prescott set a new NFL record by passing for 974 yds over the last two weeks, the most by any QB ever in a two-game span. He also became the first QB ever to throw for 450 in three consecutive weeks, and has totaled more than 120 fantasy pts since Sept. 20. Oh, and his team lost the last two games. So, have fun with those empty numbers.

Rough week for Dad, who left 51 pts on his bench between the KC defense and Mixon, who totaled 22.27 pts in his first three games this season. On the plus side, he still topped 100 pts for the week, which is pretty good considering that bad luck.

Three kickers had 18 pts this week. I can’t be bothered to list the other two. They’re kickers.

“Offensive offense” edition

3rd place: Adrian Killins Jr., -0.57 pts — on the wire
2nd place: DeAndre Carter, -0.70 pts — on the wire
1st place: Robert Griffin III, -1.70 pts — on the wire

Griffin’s return to the field against his former Maryland teammates didn’t go great this week, with an interception in his only pass attempt during backup practice time of the Raven’s big win over the nameless wonders. But at least he’ll always have the memories of his time there … where the coaching staff ruined his knees and careers. Ah, memories.

Killins, who apparently plays for the Eagles, touched the ball twice on Sunday night. The first was a 2-yd catch. The second was a -12 yard run on an end-around. There will not be a third time.


** Former QB and current CBS analyst Jay Feely showed off the intimate football knowledge he was hired to provide when, during Sunday’s Jacksonville/Cincinnati game, he said this about the Bengals’ kicker:

“He has been perfect since he missed earlier this year.”

In other news, the Eagles are undefeated in games they haven’t lost or tied.

** I know I’ve harped on this in the past, but…

On Sunday, in my other Yahoo fantasy league, I went into the Sunday night game leading my opponent 144.42 to 88.84. My opponent had no players left. I had Packers kicker Mason Crosby left to go. Yahoo gave me a 99 percent chance of winning.

So, apparently, a 1 percent chance of winning means “your opponent’s kicker has to throw 28 interceptions in tonight’s game.” Or “your opponent’s kicker has to miss 56 extra points and kick zero field goals in tonight’s game (worth -1 in that league).” That feels like less than 1 percent to me.

(FYI, right as I typed this, Crosby missed an extra point. So fine, football karma gods, I get it. But it’s still dumb.).

** Local sports stupidity: Late on ABC7 Sunday night, local sports reporter Olivia Garvey said that the Maryland Football Squad’s loss to the Ravens was disappointing, but “the good news is that Washington is still atop the NFC East, tied for second place.

That’s not how any of this works. To quote George Halas, “if you’re not first, you’re last.”

After the ongoing coronavirus pandemic cancelled one game this week and sidelined Patriots QB Cam Newton in another, NFL officials on Monday announced strict new rules to minimize the risk of contracting the illness and attempts to slow the spread. They include:

** Video monitoring of team activities: This will include pre-game warm ups and travel to ensure that safety protocols are being observed. In an effort to help, New England coach Bill Belechick has already offered to share with the league his around-the-clock, secret recordings of the other 31 teams.

** Loss of draft pick for violations: The Raiders are reported already facing the possible forfeiture of several picks for coaches’ failures to wear masks on the sidelines. The Jaguars front office has apparently asked if they can also give up picks, not because of safety issues but because they’re just going to waste them anyway.

** Increased mask rules: Under instructions from physicians, the league will mandate that Joe Buck’s mouth be taped shut. This has less to do with virus exposure and more to do with the hot air constantly streaming out of his head.

** All remaining Falcons games will be cancelled: Other teams expressed concerns they could be exposed to the virus given all of the choking happening in Atlanta of late.

** Instead of Gatorade on the sidelines, all teams will drink bleach: I hear that injecting it right into your body helps get rid of the virus.

We had an anagram for WR Michael Gallup just two years ago, when he was a rookie for the Cowboys, that showed his bent towards evil (he does have “I am hell” in his name). But 2020 has changed a lot of us, so I thought it was worth revisiting the Dallas #2 wideout this week to see if maybe he has repented his ways and aimed for a more noble, virtuous approach to life.

What I found was … upsetting.

Dallas Cowboys starting wide receiver Michael Gallup
** I created COVID, pal. I sow bugs, want gall, cheer all misery.

It should come as no surprise that this whole pandemic emanates from the Cowboys facility, and from one of their key players. I just hope someday, we as a nation are brave enough to confront the reality that no civilized society would allow Cowboys players in public without a mask, as in a full “Silence of the Lambs” security mask. It’s the only way we’ll ever regain our moral center.

** I went 2-1 against Dad this week, bringing my early season lead to six games. His faith in the Los Oakland Raiders is sorely misplaced.

*** In announcing the reassignment of Phillies General Manager Matt Klentak this weekend, team managing partner John Middleton said of Klentak’s tenure that "we've made progress, but we haven't made enough progress fast enough.”

The Phillies went 326-382 in five seasons under Klentak, with zero winning seasons and zero playoff appearances. But they finished in fifth place his first year and third in his final year so … progress?

** So, is it too early to start projecting first-round playoff opponents for the Eagles? I think they’d match up well against the Bears, although I have grave concerns about Nick Foles returning to Philly. Maybe the Eagles should tank or game or two to avoid them…


Week 4 standings

1 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 565.12 pts
2 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 562.00 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 560.29 pts
4 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 545.53 pts
5 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt Awesome), 528.60 pts
6 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 521.64 pts
7 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 486.74 pts
8 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 479.02 pts
9 — Soccer Orphans (Paul), 445.95 pts
10 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 443.97 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 381.77 pts

So we’re still doing this “Bob in first place” thing. Huh.

Some jockeying among teams at the top of the chart, but we’re developing a clear set of four leaders, then Joanna and me out on our own island, then the rest of the field. Paul’s soccer orphans took a huge tumble, scoring fewer points than Beckham and Mixon did alone on Sunday. And nobody topped 150 pts for the week, which feels like a failure all around.

Tom Brady faces Nick Foles on Thursday night in a Super Bowl LII rematch … except neither plays for the same team anymore. Still, the exact same drama is there. At the very least, they’ll show the Philly Special a few more times.

And we’ve made it to our first official bye week of the 2020 season, as opposed to the surprise coronavirus byes last week, and the surprise coronavirus bye weeks till to come. Go pick up some players from the waiver wire to fill your empty spots and get your teams all set. Sure, you could be in last place now, but one good week can jump you all the way up to first. Worked for the NFC East…

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 3 recap

2020 has been a year of disappointment in nearly every category, but maybe worst of all in sports (yay Lakers playing for an NBA championship again and noted hockey town Tampa Bay getting an NHL title). And Philly sports have been among the most soul crushing.

But this blog is here to help lift your spirits in this time of need, not crumple them up like the knees on an Eagles offensive lineman. So here’s a look at some of the positives so far this year, so we can celebrate achievements instead of focusing on the negatives:

** Nick Foles is back!
OK, not back with the Eagles, but after coming off the bench in the second half and leading the Bears to a come-from behind victory on Sunday, Chicago coach Matt Nagy anointed him the new starter. More Nick Foles in our lives is a good thing, because it always means more shots of the Philly Special.

** The standout of the Phillies season were the fans
They weren’t even allowed in the stadium, and nearly every home game still had a loud, rowdy crowd of fans outside the gates screaming for the red and white. There were chants. There were airhorns. There were boos. There were not wins, but you can’t blame the fans for giving less than 110 percent.

** The Flyers made the second round of the playoffs
The last time that happened, Andy Reid was still coach of the Eagles and TE Zach Ertz had never played an NFL game. So that’s progress. It’s also one more round of playoff wins than anyone else in the city had in the last calendar year.

** The Eagles aren’t 0-3
Since 2000, there have been 12 teams to start out 0-2 and still make the playoffs. Only one of those — the 2018 Texans — went winless in their first three games and still made the postseason. But good news! The Eagles aren’t 0-3, so that stat doesn’t apply. (Nevermind that no one has gone 0-2-1 over that stretch). 

** The Phillies didn't kill anyone

That we know of, at least. Although they did kill my spirits, so...

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 48.00 pts — started by Bob
WR: Tyler Lockett, 29.17 pts — started by Paul
RB: Alvin Kamara, 33.57 pts — started by Jo
TE: Jimmy Graham, 19.00 pts — on the wire
K: Stephen Gostkowski, 25.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Indianapolis, 31.00 pts — started by Paul
D: Shaquil Barrett, 12.50 pts — started by me

Mahomes just barely inched out Seahawks QB Russell Wilson, who totaled 46.80 pts and had a chance to claim the top fantasy scorer belt for the third week in a row.

Wilson is insane right now. He has 14 TD passes through three games (on pace for 75, the record is 55) and has totaled 130 fantasy pts. Only one other QB has topped 100 pts (Josh Allen, at 113.92) and is worth double all but 15 players in the league. Oh, and his team is 3-0.

The Colts defense had a better offensive day than five offenses did on Sunday: two TDs and a safety, plus three turnovers and two sacks. The team’s defense has totaled 55 pts so far this year, while no other team has topped 40. And yet they still managed to lose to Jacksonville in week 1, because football makes no sense.

“Really bad defenses” edition

3rd place: Jacksonville, -2.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: New Jersey Giants, -4.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: New Orleans, -5.00 pts — on Paul’s bench

Good call by Paul picking the right defense to start this week. It was a 36-point swing for his team.

Minnesota managed to avoid the worst performers list this week, but sits at -2.00 pts for the year thus far as the Vikings fell to 0-3. They’ve surrendered 102 points through three games, putting them on pace for 544 for the season. The record for the most points surrendered in a 16-game season is 533 by the 1981 Baltimore Colts. With a little work, the Vikings can get there.


** Headline Saturday morning on ESPN.com: No Burrow, no problem? Despite star-studded exodus, LSU is ready to roll

Headline Saturday night on ESPN.com: QB Costello's 623 yards lead Mississippi State past No. 6 LSU, 44-34.

More like “ready to roll over,” right?

** During Thursday Night’s football game, blowhard announcer Joe Buck called out the AWS Next Gen stat of the game, which was “Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick ranks third in tight coverage passes over the last three years, and two of this six TD passes this season (at that point in the game) are the closest coverage touchdowns in the league this year.”

I often hear these Next Gen stats and wonder why I should care, but this is worse than usual. What does a coach do with this? Do his coordinators hear it and say “we should make him throw into tight coverage more!” as a response? Do opposing coaches say “we should cover worse and see if he completes fewer passes” as a strategy? Even as a fan, how is this supposed to help me understand the game better? “Normally I’d think throwing into triple coverage is bad, but I understand why Ryan Fitzpatrick does it!”

At best, this is a stat that tells me the Dolphins pass catchers are bad at getting away from defenders, and Fitzpatrick is good despite that. That’s all. I feel like you could learn that just by watching.

** Pregame fantasy football notes on NFL.com Sunday morning:

Jalen Reagor, WR, PHI: Thumb -- OUT
Impact: J.J. Arcega-Whiteside gets a chance to show what he can do.

I mean, I guess it’s true. He did show what he’s capable of: zero catches for zero yards. 

Who has it worse than the hapless Eagles? Consider these candidates:

** The choking Falcons: Atlanta was anticipating a bounceback season after a disappointing 7-9 campaign in 2019. Instead, they got blown out in their opener and wasted huge second-half leads in back-to-back games. They’ve given up more than 30 points in each contest and face the 3-0 Packers next week. But, hey, the Braves made the playoffs, so that’s a distraction.

** The decimated Broncos: Think Phill has a QB problem? After a pair of passer injuries in the first three weeks, the Broncos will start Brett Rypien at quarterback next week. He’s the ninth QB to start for the team since the start of the 2017 season. And number 10 could be here soon — the team signed Blake Bortles as a backup on Monday.

** The rebuilt Patriots: Their team is 2-1 and looking strong. But they aren’t 3-0, so it qualifies as a complete collapse by entitled Boston logic. Plus, the Celtics only got to the conference finals in basketball. How much longer must this never-ending (two-year) championship drought last?

** The New Jersey Jets: They are the Jets. Enough said.


In the third round of this year’s draft, Dallas selected Neville Gallimore, a defensive tackle from Oklahoma who was expected to add depth to the Cowboys pass rush and provide insurance against injury to their starting rotation.

Oh, and his name has “MORE EVIL” in it, clear as day.

Seriously, people, you don’t need an expert anagrammer like me to see that. I’m honestly not sure why I’m even going through this exercise this week, you don’t need me to see the evil (OR SHOULD I SAY MORE EVIL?) in his name. But, in case you want to see how all the letters come together:

DT Neville Gallimore
** More evil tall dingle
** More evil, ill tangled
** More evil, let lie. Dang.
** More evil and leg lilt
** More evil lad. Telling.
** More evil, all tingled

In summary, yes, Dallas goes out of its way to bring more evil into the league.

** The Texas football team beat Texas Tech 63-56 in an overtime thriller on Saturday.

For the record, The Texas Tech basketball team beat Texas in early February by a score of 62-57.

I don’t really have a point here, other than don’t draft any Big 12 defensive players next spring.
** I went 4-1 against Dad in our weekly picks, boosting me to plus five in our annual showdown. If not for a Texans second-half collapse, I would have swept the week. I wonder if the 0-3 Texans can become the second Texans team to start the season that bad and still make the playoffs...

** Dude plays for the Cowboys and his name is galli-MORE, n-EVIL-le. C’mon. Why is this allowed in civil society again?


Week 3 standings

1 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 425.98 pts
2 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 423.47 pts
3 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 421.05 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 418.12 pts
5 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 405.42 pts
6 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 392.23 pts
7 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome), 386.82 pts
8 — Crash Into Reality (Paul), 380.43 pts
9 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 362.78 pts
10 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 327.62 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 294.60 pts

Bob is in first!?!? Now I know 2020 is completely screwy.

Five teams over 400 pts already, lead by Bob and his Chiefs-heavy squad. Paul actually had the top squad of the week, though, and rocketed up to respectability, if not medal position.

But guess what? Every team topped 100 pts this week, even Dad, whose team name translates from Polish into “don’t punt at the end of overtime, idiot.” That may be a personal best for the league. You all deserve a hand. Go ahead and take the rest of the day off.

But don’t forget to get back here bright and early on Thursday for another exciting match-up featuring … (checks the notes) … the 0-3 Broncos vs. the 0-3 Jets. On a short week. With key injuries to both teams. The NFL! Always bringing you the highest quality product available.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 2 recap

** Bills QB Josh Allen is on pace for 5,832 passing yds (792 through two games), which would surpass the current record of 5,477 yds (set by Drew Brees in 2013). Allen, in his third year, has never thrown for more than 3,100 yds in a season.

** Falcons WR Calvin Ridley is on pace for 1,912 receiving yds (293 through two games), which would be the second most all-time (Calvin Johnson had 1,964 in 2012). Ridley is the second-string wideout on his own team, behind Julio Jones.

** Seahawks QB Russell Wilson is on pace for 72 passing TDs (9 through two games), which would obliterate the current record of 55 (set by Peyton Manning in 2013). Wilson plays the porous Eagles defense in week 11.

** Patriots QB Cam Newton is on pace to score 32 rushing TDs (4 through two games), which would break the current record of 28 (set by LaDanian Tomlinson in 2006). Unlike Tomlinson, Newton is not a running back.

** The team that plays in Maryland is on pace to have zero names this season. The previous record low was one name (held by 31 other squads).

QB: Russell Wilson, 43.42 pts — started by Ant
WR: Calvin Ridley, 22.77 pts — started by Bob
RB: Aaron Jones, 41.33 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Tyler Higbee, 24.10 pts — started by Joel
K: Younghoe Koo, 17.00 pts — started by Paul
DEF: Indianapolis, 20.00 pts — started by Paul
D: Chandon Sullivan, 9.50 pts — on the wire

So, so close…

Another week, another first-place finish for Wilson. He threw five TDs to five different receivers on Sunday night and has now totaled 83.20 fantasy pts in just two games. For comparison, that’s almost three times what Carson Wentz, Daniel Jones or Dwayne Haskins have totaled. And, yes, that is the company that Wentz is in right now.

Jones totaled 236 yards and 3 TDs rushing and receiving on Sunday, also known as a better performance than the entire New Jersey Jets team (277 yds, 1 TD). That comes one week after QB Aaron Rodgers put on his own fantasy show last week, with 38.76 pts. Good thing that Green Bay drafted a new QB and RB with their first two picks this year, because their current ones are really slacking.


“Actual players” edition

3rd place: Benny Snell, -0.77 pts — on my bench
2nd place: Drew Lock, -1.20 pts — on the wire
1st place: Kirk Cousins, -148 pts — on the wire

Lock got hurt early in the Broncos game, so his miserable state line can be forgiven. Snell looked to be in line for the start Sunday and ended up being a bust instead.

But Cousins? The $96 million passer for the Vikings threw up a truly awful stat line on Sunday, completing 11 passes for 113 yds to his own team, three interceptions for 59 yds to the Colts, and a QB rating of just 15.9. Oh, and he got sacked in the end zone for a safety in each of the last two games.

As I remind you every year, you compiled a QB rating of 39.6 on Sunday by dropping the remote on the floor (0 for 1, 0 yds, 0 TDs, 0 INTs). So congrats, you were more than two times better at being a QB than a man paid $96 million for the job.

No, there is not a check coming for you.


** NFL.com story Monday morning: Is Aaron Rodgers a lock to win MVP?

Sadly, the story was longer than it needed to be. Because “no” would have summed up the entire situation.

** Wentz, after Sunday’s loss, where the Eagles fumbled on the first possession and gave up at least 35 points for the four time in the last 14 games: “Don't panic; we'll be OK. I've always had all the confidence in the world in our defense. We're not panicking."

Maybe you should be, dude. Then you’d throw the ball a little faster. 

 
** The Associated Press announced earlier this month that starting with this week, teams that have not played any games would no longer be included in the top 25 rankings. That means that Big Ten and Pac 10 teams whose conferences may start later this fall will be omitted for now, and only teams currently active will be listed as the best in the nation. Here’s a quick look at the current rankings:

1 — Clemson, 2-0
2 — Alabama, 0-0
3 — Oklahoma, 1-0
4 — Georgia, 0-0
5 — Florida, 0-0
6 — LSU, 0-0

Oh, did I say currently active? I meant “currently active or in the SEC, where we’ll rank them as the best whether or not they play.” Bama, Georgia, Florida and LSU are all scheduled to stay playing next week, which I guess is the same as “already having played several games” and very different from “going to play in a few more weeks.” Makes sense.

A remarkable number of NFL stars saw their 2020 seasons cut short on Sunday, due to injuries. All-world RB Christian McCafferty is expected to miss at least a month. The 49ers lost QB Jimmy Garapolo, DE Nick Bosa, and RB Raheem Mostert in the same game. Pro Bowl WRs Michael Thomas, DaVante Adams, and Chris Godwin missed all or parts of this weekend’s action. Giants RB Saquon Barkley was declared dead after a leg injury, as was the Eagles entire offensive line and their playoff hopes. 

But who is to blame for the sudden spate of carnage on the field? While the usual talking heads are pointing to the shortened offseason and the lack of pre-season games, here are some more likely suspects:

** COVID-20: It’s the sequel to 2019, but instead of the respiratory system, it targets athletes' knees.

** Lonely turf: Without anyone running on it all summer, the grass on football fields has grown feral and angry, looking to reassert itself on the feet of those who abandoned it.

** Face masks: I hear they cause dizziness and injuries. And socialism.

** Bill Belechick: Would you really be surprised if you found out he’s spiking opponents’ drinks with bone dissolver?

** 2020 itself: It has ruined everything else, why not football too?


The hero/villain of the week for the Cowboys was their kicker, Greg Zuerlein, who spun a perfect onsides kick to give the Dallas squad the ball with a minute left in Sunday’s game, then kicked the game-winning field goal moments later. Zuerlein was a star in Los Angeles the last few years but opted to sign with the Texas team in a surprising offseason move. But why would he debase his career and his reputation with that change?

As always, the answer is as clear as the letters in his name.

Dallas Cowboys K Greg Zuerlein
** Alas: sick, ugly zero be led wrong

Not for nothing, “Greg Zuerlein” anagrams perfectly to “luring geezer” but that just seemed too easy.

** Split the picks with Dad this week, so I remain two up on the season-long tally. Why I had faith in the Bengals to win a game, I do not know. I do feel like they’d have a chance this week, though...

** This just in: NCAA announced that Alambama has clinched a spot in the College National Championship game, because fairness.

** For the record, the current stink on Sundays in Philly isn’t exclusive to the Eagles. The big four Philadelphia sports teams are a combined 0-8 over the last four Sundays. That’s two losses from the birds, one from the Flyers and five from the Phillies (including a doubleheader sweep). The Philadelphia Union is 2-0 on Sundays over that stretch, but both their games were away, and also soccer is a European sport and doesn’t count towards American athletic greatness. That’s just science.


Week 2 standings

1 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 307.22 pts
2 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 294.51 pts
3 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 279.96 pts
4 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 268.39 pts
5 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt Awesome), 261.14 pts
6 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 260.19 pts
7 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 252.47 pts
8 — The Mom Football Tm (Mom D), 246.03 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 226.80 pts
10 — Crash Into Reality (Paul), 214.63 pts
11 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 168.90 pts

Huge week for Jeff, who could have passed 320 pts on the season if he didn’t start a pair of zeros in a WR and D player spots. Even with that, his 176.54-pts week gives him a big early cushion on the rest of the field, who are still sorting out their various IR options.

Joel and Paul won points in the name changing game, but sadly not on the football field. Dad’s team, whose name means “sacked again” in Polish, also continues to struggle, while Ant’s seventh place finish behind Russell Wilson’s 7 billion points so far this season is a head scratcher.

Thursday night’s game is … oh my gawd, I’m going to be sick … Dolphins vs. Jaguars. So made sure you take dramamine or something. Oh, and set your rosters.

Fantasy league 2020 -- week 1 recap

The start of the 2020 football season gave Philadelphia fans everything they should have expected from this monstrosity of a year. Here’s a quick recap of the weekend’s lowlights:

** The Eagles were outscored by 10 points and went 0-1 on the day. The Phillies were outscored by 8 runs but went 0-2 on the day.

** The Eagles had more yards lost to sacks on Sunday (62) than they had rushing yards of offense (57).

** Former Eagles WR Nelson Agholor had more receiving TDs (1) than the entire current Eagles WR corps (0).

** With their double-header double loss, the Phillies dropped to 3-9 in seven-inning games and lost their season series against the Marlins, a team that last finished with a winning record in 2009.

** The Eagles blew their biggest lead ever against the rival Maryland Footballers (long known to local fans as the MFers) by scoring the first 17 points of the game and failing to score after that.

** The Maryland team has now scored 27 or more points four times in their last 30 games. Three of those are against the Eagles.

I mean, I guess at least the Cowboys lost…

QB: Russell Wilson, 39.78 pts — started by Ant
WR: Davante Adams, 29.40 pts — started by me
RB: Josh Jacobs, 32.37 pts — started by Mike
TE: Mark Andrews, 18.37 pts — started by Bob
K: Matt Prater, 12.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: Baltimore, 18.00 pts — started by Jeff
D: Janoris Jenkins, 12.50 pts — on the wire 

What a difference a year makes. In 2019, Packers QB Aaron Rodgers was being drafted in the first few rounds of fantasy drafts. I grabbed Baltimore QB Lamar Jackson in the 8th, he turned out to be the #2 scorer at his position on the year. In 2020, Jackson went in the first round and I grabbed Rodgers in the 8th round. He rewarded me with a #2 finish in week 1 (scoring 0.02 less than Wilson) and once again showed the folly of drafting a QB early.

Now, it won’t matter as much this year because stupid Yahoo decided to draft WR Michael Thomas (2.63 pts and an injury in week 1) one spot ahead of Jacobs, who outscored him by an entire Davante Adams this week. But it’s still a nice reminder.

Also, for the record, five different kickers scored 12.00 pts this week, but ain’t no one got time to care about which middling kicker was best.

“Bad starts” edition

2nd place: (tie) Atlanta, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Carolina, -3.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Minnesota, -6.00 pts — started by Ant 

Shed a little tear for the poor Vikings defense, owned in 83 percent of fantasy leagues and owners of the worst possible fantasy score in our league in their first week of work. The purple turnstyles surrendered 41 points, registered no sacks or turnovers, and offered no real resistance to their division rivals in Green Bay. On the positive side … it’s lovely in Minnesota this time of year.

Baltimore 5th-string RB Patrick Ricard took the lead for the worst fantasy performance of 2020 among skill players on Sunday, registering -1.40 pts on two touches (a 9-yard catch and a -5-yard rush with a fumble) in Sunday’s win. But with only four RBs and QB Lamar Jackson — the all-time single-season rushing QB — ahead of him on the depth chart, I’m sure he’ll get plenty of chances to fix that this year.


** From the Associated Press: Philadelphia Phillies right-hander Zack Wheeler ripped a fingernail putting on his pants, delaying his next start for two days and perhaps longer.

I mean, what else do you want me to say here? Their $118-million pitcher suffered a serious hand injury putting on pants. The Phillies playoff hopes rely on their #2 starter learning how to work pants. Zack Wheeler can’t figure out how pants work and he’s unquestionably better than 14 other pitchers on the Phillies roster.

This does, however, let me remind you of the worst baseball injury of all time: In 1990, Blue Jays OF Glenallen Hill, amid a nightmare about spiders, lept up from his nap and fell down on a glass table, causing cuts bad enough for him to miss a few games. No word if he was wearing pants at the time.

** Before the season started, ESPN ran 20,000 simulations of all 269 games this season and published the results to show how the season could play out. They went 10-6 in correctly picking the week 1 games. Dad reminded me to do our weekly picks about 10 minutes before the Kansas City game on Thursday night. I went 11-5 in correctly picking week 1 games. 

Don’t get me wrong, it sure seems like ESPN put a lot of work and dedication into this. I just think maybe instead of working harder, they should try working better.

** Yes, the Thursday night game was once again “a Thursday presentation of Sunday night football.” Yes, it’s stupider every single time I hear it.

The first week of football featured the first-ever match-up of two 40-year-old QBs (Bucs QB Tom Brady, 43, and Saints QB Drew Brees, 41) and the game lived up to … the “meh” play you’d expect from two 40-year-old QBs. But fear not, there were a lot of other firsts to celebrate this weekend, including:

** For the first time in 22 years, the NFL season began without any Mannings playing QB in the league. Fortunately, Peyton still had 7,000 Nationwide Insurance commercials played during game breaks, otherwise we might forget who he is.

** Jason Garrett’s debut as the new Giants head coach culminated in a familiar result: The Cowboys lost again (not to the Giants, of course, they lost too.)

** Former Australian Rules Football player Jordan Mailata made his NFL debut on Sunday in the Eagles game. His short series on the field was one of the few times the offensive line did not tumble like a house of cards, so, good for him.

** Multiple teams played their first games ever without fans in the stands. The Bengals and Jaguars were not among them, as they have played in empty stadiums for years.


Another year, another new set of faces to welcome to the Dallas Cowboys roster and ultimately their eternal damnation. This year’s lucky first-round pick for hell is highly-touted wideout CeeDee Lamb, who was rumored to be on Eagles scouts’ radar. Instead, he ends up in the soulless desert of Texas, destined for failure and sadness. But does it have to be this way? Can his skill break the cycle? Will CeeDee bee the one to finally bring honor and respect to the silveer and bluee?

The answers, in order: Yes, no, and c’mon the extra eees are funny. For supporting evidence, see below:

Cowboys Dallas rookie WR CeeDee Lamb
** Crowd, be woe: A bad cookie, a smelly loser

And if you’re still not convinced …

WR CeeDee Lamb
** Mr. Debacle. Wee!

Tough deal. But we wish him nothing but the beeeest.

** At least one part of the football season started right — I went 3-1 against Dad in our weekly picks to take an early two-game lead in our head-to-head match up. If not for my misplaced faith in Carolina, it could have been a sweep. But given my overall lack of success in these predictions, I’ll take what I can get.

** Watching this weekend’s broadcasts, I was confused by the networks’ decision to keep broadcasters at least six-feet apart in the announcing booths. Last time I checked, COVID was contagious among humans, not slobbering, barking dogs. Maybe they’re worried about rabies?

** Due to conference postponements of the fall football season and individual game cancellations because of the pandemic, only 11 of the AP’s top 25 college football teams are scheduled to play this weekend. But sure, the top 25 still makes sense.


Week 1 standings

1 — The Slaymakers (Ant), 146.04 pts
2 — The XL Garbage Bags (Capt Awesome), 132.65 pts
3 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 130.58 pts
4 — Bird Immunity (Mike), 127.18 pts
5 — The Mom Football TM (Mom D), 126.48 pts
6 — 5th Grade Math (Jo), 125.66 pts
7 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 120.64 pts
8 — Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob), 119.05 pts
9 — Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad), 116.92 pts
10 — Short Term Optimism (Paul), 99.62 pts
11 — Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel), 71.28 pts

Strong opening week from Ant, despite costing himself 13 pts with the choice of the wrong defense on his bench. My garbage team played better than the trash they are to earn a second-place finish this week, and less than 12 pts separates third place from eighth.

On the other end of the spectrum, Yahoo’s golden pick for the best draft (Dad) couldn’t crack the top two-thirds of the standings, and Paul’s short term optimism may already be gone. But Joel’s squad takes the prize for the worst start of the season, underperforming Yahoo’s projections by more than 47 pts. This could be a rough season if he can’t turn it around right away.

But the season continues regardless. This Sunday’s game played on Thursday night is Bengals versus Browns, so get those rosters ready. Or don’t, because, really, nobody wants to watch that.

Fantasy league 2020 -- preseason predictions

Welcome back to fantasy football. Sadly, most of you have already seen your championship dreams die.

That’s because a solid fantasy draft is the foundation upon which your hopes and dreams rest. Build it right, and your castle walls can rise into the sky. Build it wrong, and you end up a ragged pile of rocks more twisted than Eli Manning’s face after an interception. Or a TD. Or a burp. Dude may be retired, but his face is as dopey as ever.

With that in mind, here’s how your teams will finish this season:

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 2142.40 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 1696.69 pts, 11th place

You finish last, you get the last-place prediction for the next year. His team looks solid enough — RB Christian McCaffery, TE Travis Kelce, and really that’s enough to dominate — but he’s lacking some heart from this roster. Where is the leadership going to come from? RB Aaron Jones? He may be out of a job by year’s end. WR Will Fuller V? Maybe from Will Fuller III, but not this sequel. RB Mark Ingram II? Maybe from … wait, I already used the sequel joke up, didn’t I? It’s been a long off-season, folks. Cut me some slack here.

The Slaymakers (Ant)
Yahoo ranking: 1987.36 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 1707.45 pts, 10th place

This just feels like a 2016 team to me, not a 2020 team. WR Julio Jones, RB David Johnson, WR, AJ Green, RB Adrian Peterson all feel old and busted. Sure, Ant has rookies like RBs Clyde Edwards-Helaire and Jonathan Taylor, but how long will it take them to rise up? K Matt Prater is entering his 16th season, which is 140 in football years. Plus, there’s no Eagles on this team and one Cowboy. Will Ant even root for his own team to succeed?

Short Term Optimism (Paul)
Yahoo ranking: 2097.35 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 1803.00 pts, 9th place

I like the honesty in Paul’s team name, just not necessarily the team itself. QB Carson Wentz is, of course, a natural winner. But pairing him with an injured WR like Deebo Samuel in fantasy seems a little mean, given that Wentz’ entire receiving corps have been corpses for the last year already. Paul has a solid RB crew (Derrick Henry, Kenyan Drake and LeVeon Bell) but nothing in the TE category despite drafting three bodies. Sure, Wentz could make it all work yet again, but that’s putting a lot of pressure on that poor guy.

Kneel Armstrong (Sam)
Yahoo ranking: 2003.17 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 1835.50 pts, 9th place

This is more out of spite than actual merit, as Sam is the reigning Awesome Cup Champion and again has too many damn Cowboys on his squad (RB Ezekiel Elliot, WR Amari Cooper, DE Satan McBeelzebub). I think Bills QB Josh Allen will be a flop this year and the team also has two stars (QB Ben Rothlisberger and RB Kareen Hunt) accused of violence against women, so there’s really no reason to root for anyone on here. I guess maybe I don’t have a problem with K Zane Gonzalez? Although starting and ending your name with the letter Z is suspicious. Yeah, OK, I hate him too.

The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 1965.48 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1887.23 pts, 7th place

I updated my team name this morning to better reflect my draft, which was total trash. On the plus side, I have arguably the two top WRs in the league (Michael Thomas and Davante Adams) and two more top-25 pass catchers in Mike Evans and DK Metcalf. On the other hand, Yahoo decided to draft me two injured RBs (Melvin Gordon and David Montgomery) plus the corpse of Leonard Fournette (who I thought I had on an excluded list) along with a disaster of a bench: a backup QB no one wants (Ryan Tannehill), a backup TE who is dead (Jack Doyle) and a backup kicker because no one ever, ever, ever needs a backup kicker. I’m too good of a coach to end up too far down the rankings, but my first impression is that I truly hate this team.

5th Grade Math (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 1948.99 pts, 11th place
My ranking: 1888.23 pts, 6th place

Joanna’s squad (which would have been named “Smrter than a 5th grader” if not for Yahoo’s fascist character limits on team names, why won’t the presidential candidates talk about that, huh? Cowards) reunites former teammates QB Deshaun Watson and WR DeAndre Hopkins for the feel-good story of the league season. Her decision to skip RB Saquon Barkley for RB Alvin Kamara may be the feel-bad story of the season, if the Giants lead back ends up returning to MVP form. She also snagged TE Zach Ertz but the lack of other Eagles may make her interest in the team wane. It’s either that or the crushing demands of school at home, one of those two will probably sink her championship chances.

Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad)
Yahoo ranking: 2277.76 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 2013.13 pts, 5th place

Yahoo gave Dad top marks for his draft for the second year in a row, which means again he has zero chance of winning the league. His team, whose name is Polish for “I’m going to make you have to copy and paste my team name every single week,” includes all-world QB Lamar Jackson (who won’t repeat last year’s success), the remains of former all-world RB Todd Gurley, and three other injured players among his front-line starters. But, hey, Yahoo loves the value of his backup QB and TE, so, great.

We Love the Mud (Mom Doyle)
Yahoo ranking: 2086.25 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 2101.10 pts, 4th place

Mom’s team is … good? Bad? Totally unpredictable? QB Matt Ryan and WR Juju Smith-Schuster were incredible two years ago. Could they be again? RBs Dalvin Cook and Miles Sanders will both make the Pro-Bowl, if they don’t get hurt yet again and miss most of the season. WRs DeSean Jackson, Emmanuel Sanders and Brandin Cooks could all be in line for huge years, unless they’re not. If she could have drafted TE Jared Cook, then this team would have had a clear identity (Too Many Cooks, obviously). But now? K Justin Tucker is solid. Let’s just focus on that.

Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 2068.57 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 2198.01 pts, 3rd place

Bob wins the 2020 award for the best team name (please note, there is no actual award for this) and could win the whole shebang with a good looking squad. His Kansas City stack of QB Patrick Mahomes and WR Tyreek Hill could be worth about 600 pts combined, and his absurdly deep receiving army of WR Odell Beckham, WR Calvin Ridley, TE Mark Andrews and WR Courtland Sutton are enviable. But like my team, Yahoo decided not to provide him with any RBs of worth this year, so we’ll have to see if Bob can invent a rushing attack with a series of backups in Devin Singletary, Damien Williams and Marlon Mack. If he can find one, though, Bob could boo his way into loud cheers. Cheer boos. I feel like that’s something we should have invented already.

Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 2012.14 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2223.22 pts, 2nd place

This is a sneaky good looking team. Joel has solid RB starters (Saquon Barkley and Austin Eckler) and sleepers (Zack Moss and Antonio Gibson), a four-deep receiving corps (Allen Robinson, AJ Brown, Cooper Kupp and TY Hilton), plus the Chicago defense and a still-productive QB in Drew Brees. Could he contend for another title? Absolutely. Will he? No, because Joel’s team name shows he is still living in the past, and you can’t win without innovation.

SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 2109.32 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 2299.97 pts, 1st place

The best way to tank a good team in this league is for me to pick it to win the title, so let’s get to destroying Mike’s armada with hyped expectations. He’s got three great RBs (Nick Chubb, Josh Jacobs, Chris Carson). He’s got two undervalued WRs (Robert Woods and Marvin Jones Jr.). He has two really good TEs (Darren Waller and Evan Engram), which never works out in this league. He has last year’s #1 defense (New England) and the Cowboys QB (Dak Prescott) in what he hopes will be big repeat fantasy performances. He has QB Tom Brady on his bench, providing leadership. He has RB Kerryon Johnson in case he needs a slightly-warm body to throw in the way of oncoming traffic. All the pieces are there. Can Mike return to glory?

Probably not. But, hey, it’s fun to think about something other than quarantine right now. 

Here's a reminder of what you're playing for: 

Get those rosters set for the season kick-off on Thursday night and good luck to all. You will need it.

Fantasy football 2020 -- draft order announcement

Welcome back everyone to the one event that even a global pandemic can’t force into hibernation (at least not yet): the annual quest for the Awesome Cup. Hard to believe we’re already in the 19th year of this annual campaign, because I don’t look a day over 20 myself. Some of the rest of you, though...

There are a few changes to the draft order announcement this year. First, in the name of safety and responsibility, this year each of our coaches will be represented by a proxy face protector instead of the normal assortment of inanimate objects around my living room. Remember to use your masks every time you set your roster .

Second, in past years we have used the Fort Awesome children as impartial arbiters to pull out the draft order names using our much-beloved modified NBA draft order system. This year, however, they are absolutely not impartial. They keep asking questions like “will you lose if we pick your name now?” and “how angry will Pop be if we pick his name?” and “if everybody knew the Washington football team’s name was offensive, why did they keep using it for years and then get backed into a corner and forced to drop it without a replacement?”

Despite the changes, the stakes remain the same. The names of our top four finishers from 2019 go into the Eagles helmet and our first loser to be selected is …

Pick #11 — Mike

Our third-place finisher from last year gets the lowest possible pick in this year’s contest. His representative at the draft, a Portland Trailblazers all-black “Dame D.O.L.L.A.” mask, lets out a loud (but safely contained) sigh. The children ask how angry Uncle Mike will be and whether we should call and laugh. Instead, we carry on. The next name out is …

Pick #10 — Capt. Awesome

And for the second year in a row, my children cackle with glee that as I end up with the second-worst draft position. There’s a groan from my proxy, a custom-made neck gaiter featuring Gritty and the Philly Phanatic riding Utahraptors into battle, but that’s fine. I nearly won the league drafting out of this spot a year ago. The next name pulled belongs to …

Pick #9 — Pop

The second, third and fourth place finishers from 2019 are all out of the helmet now, with Dad getting no help from his ungrateful grandchildren. His stand-in for the draft, a faceguard made entirely out of state quarters, rattles slightly but offers no other reaction. The children now ask if this means Mom will win. We’re going to need fairer draft volunteers next year. Time to go back to the names, and the next one out is …

Pick #8 — Bob

Bob’s proxy, the Wonder Woman mask that grandmom made for her granddaughter, roars and swirls around in righteous rage. This is the lowest possible draft spot Bob could have ended up with, and the children give a sheepish look after their glee in tearing down the family caught Bob by accident. Then they ask if they can watch a show on their tablets. They cannot. The next name out belongs to …

Pick #7 — Anthony

Anthony lands exactly where he finished last year, and his full-face Eagles underdog mask barks out its resigned approval. The children ask me to make funny voices like Anthony does when he gets wound up. I refuse. They remind me how happy they are they picked my name early. We proceed to the next name …

Pick #6 — Grandmom D

Now the children are upset. They ask if they can put Grandmom’s name back in the hat so she’ll get a better pick. Her proxy, a hand-stitched mask with “my grandkids are perfect” written on it, remarks how sweet her grandkids are. The slip with her name remains out of the helmet. We carry on to the next one …

Pick #5 — Paul

Paul’s representative, a Philadelphia Union scarf with two eye holes cut out of the middle, twirls around the room screaming “goooooooooooaaaallll” even though he actually fell a spot in the draft order. No worries, he’ll get his footballs and futeballs straight soon enough. The final name is in the helmet now, and the almost-bronze place award goes to…

Pick #4 — Sam

Finally! Our champion from last year managed to sneak seven spots up to the fourth-best pick, giving him an unfair advantage heading into this year. His stand-in, a plush Kirby doll turned into a grotesque face mask, puffs up in glee. The children ask if the tablets are charged yet. They will not be getting any dinner. The next name out belongs to …

Pick #3 — Joel

Our last-place finisher from last year gets a third-place draft order finish, reminding everyone again why it doesn’t pay to give up on the end of the fantasy football season. His proxy, a mask with a picture of a mask wearing a mask on it, collapses into existential confusion. As the time-space continuum, begins to slowly dissolve around us, the children grasp for the next name and out comes …

Pick #2 — Joanna

After having tuned out several picks ago, the children now scramble to figure out if they just hurt or helped Mom’s draft chances. Joanna’s draft representative, a handmade mask with “Iverson was better than Jordan” across the front, tells them they will get dinner tonight. I correct her and say that’s still in doubt.

Just a single name left in the helmet now, so congratulations goes to …

Pick #1 — Jeff

Jeff’s proxy, an exact replica of Panthers RB Christian McCaffery’ helmet, wins the right to draft McCaffery first overall in this year’s draft. He celebrates by running out of the room, splitting two defenders and plowing into the end zone for a TD, somehow giving Jeff a seven-point lead before the season starts. The children ask whether there are any minutes left for a show before bedtime. They are dismissed.

That’s it, folks. Get your draft sheets ready. I’ve looked and they are as bad as ever this year. You have until Saturday night to get Leonard Fournette and Darius Guice and A.J. Feeley out of your pre-draft rankings, and we should have teams ready to go sometime early on Sunday. And don’t forget to get some good new team names, or else the terrorists win.

Fantasy football 2020 -- pre-season rules changes

Look, 2020 has been rough. The NFL says it’s coming back, but we’ve already seen so many broken hearts and broken promises this year. I don’t see how they’ll keep players healthy. If there are outbreaks, entire teams could be sidelined overnight. We could see divisions decided by win percentage instead of the normal, rational tiebreakers of “record vs. common opponents in away games after 4pm.” Getting the whole football season complete seems like an impossible ask.

And yet, given the cancellation of most of college football, the delayed start for the next NBA and NHL season, and baseball’s consistent floundering, this fall offers the NFL the opportunity to ram Thursday and Friday and Saturday contests down our throats. And if there is money to be made, you know the NFL is going for it. And that means so are we.

Folks, welcome to fantasy football in the age of coronavirus. Even a global pandemic can’t take the shine off the Awesome Cup, and so we’ll forge ahead into the uncertain future. Here are some of the preparations we’re taking this year to try and deal with potential chaos in the months ahead:

** Each team will have an extra bench spot and an extra IR spot — Since we don’t know how many players may be sidelined by coronavirus this season, it makes sense to give all teams a little more flexibility for backups and emergency fill-ins. Will the larger teams mean fewer trades and thinner waiver wires? Yes. Will Dad still complain that he can’t keep all the players he wants? Yes. Will this make Raiders WR Nelson Agholor more valuable to have on your team, since he has shown he can’t catch anything, even communicable diseases? No.

** League dues will be collected at the end of the season — Given the uncertainty of whether the full season can be played, it doesn’t make sense to have you all pay in money now and have to return it if everything goes belly up. So I’ll contact you at the end of the year for payment instead of our usual August dues. Also, dues will be doubled from last season to cover additional costs related to the coronavirus. As a reminder, dues were $0.00 in 2019.

** Every team will need to come up with a good name this year — The stadiums are going to look weird without fans (except in DC, where they’re been playing without fans for years). But if we can’t be there cheering in person, we can at least be enthusiastic athletic supporters. And that starts with a funny, distracting, inspiring team name. No “COVID sucks” or “sick of being sick” or “Dak Prescott deserves more respect.” I want to see top level puns and creative disrespect for professional players. For the love of gawd, Gronk is back. His old bones alone should be fodder for three or four good names.

** All owners will be required to wear masks when setting rosters — Ideally, owners will also maintain six feet of distance between themselves and their computers when checking teams. However, since that is not always practical, we’re mandating masks any time you enter league facilities or meet with players. This is both for your safety and theirs. Think about it: How will you feel if RB Miles Sanders can’t play in week 5 because you got him sick while moving him from your flex spot to a starting role? Terrible, that’s how.

** If the season is cancelled midway, the Awesome Cup still will be awarded — In preparation for such a tragedy, this summer I purchased (at great personal cost) a state-of-the-art sports simulation machine that can accurately predict the exact stats for every player in the league. For example, I submitted all of QB Carson Wentz’ vitals for last season, and the machine predicted he would throw for exactly 4,039 yards and 27 TDs despite losing his entire receiving corps. Amazing what the technology can do. I won’t use the program to influence my draft strategy — that would be cheating, after all — but if the season gets cancelled, I’ll use it to fill in the missing weeks to see who would have earned the Awesome Cup title for this year.

Get ready, folks. We’ll have the official draft order announcement later this week and the draft right around Labor Day. First game is set for Sept. 10 at, I dunno, probably 3:17 pm because that would make it the hardest for fans to watch. Grab your masks and seatbelts, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.