That’s because a solid fantasy draft is the foundation upon which your hopes and dreams rest. Build it right, and your castle walls can rise into the sky. Build it wrong, and you end up a ragged pile of rocks more twisted than Eli Manning’s face after an interception. Or a TD. Or a burp. Dude may be retired, but his face is as dopey as ever.
With that in mind, here’s how your teams will finish this season:
Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 2142.40 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 1696.69 pts, 11th place
You finish last, you get the last-place prediction for the next year. His team looks solid enough — RB Christian McCaffery, TE Travis Kelce, and really that’s enough to dominate — but he’s lacking some heart from this roster. Where is the leadership going to come from? RB Aaron Jones? He may be out of a job by year’s end. WR Will Fuller V? Maybe from Will Fuller III, but not this sequel. RB Mark Ingram II? Maybe from … wait, I already used the sequel joke up, didn’t I? It’s been a long off-season, folks. Cut me some slack here.
The Slaymakers (Ant)
Yahoo ranking: 1987.36 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 1707.45 pts, 10th place
This just feels like a 2016 team to me, not a 2020 team. WR Julio Jones, RB David Johnson, WR, AJ Green, RB Adrian Peterson all feel old and busted. Sure, Ant has rookies like RBs Clyde Edwards-Helaire and Jonathan Taylor, but how long will it take them to rise up? K Matt Prater is entering his 16th season, which is 140 in football years. Plus, there’s no Eagles on this team and one Cowboy. Will Ant even root for his own team to succeed?
Short Term Optimism (Paul)
Yahoo ranking: 2097.35 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 1803.00 pts, 9th place
I like the honesty in Paul’s team name, just not necessarily the team itself. QB Carson Wentz is, of course, a natural winner. But pairing him with an injured WR like Deebo Samuel in fantasy seems a little mean, given that Wentz’ entire receiving corps have been corpses for the last year already. Paul has a solid RB crew (Derrick Henry, Kenyan Drake and LeVeon Bell) but nothing in the TE category despite drafting three bodies. Sure, Wentz could make it all work yet again, but that’s putting a lot of pressure on that poor guy.
Kneel Armstrong (Sam)
Yahoo ranking: 2003.17 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 1835.50 pts, 9th place
This is more out of spite than actual merit, as Sam is the reigning Awesome Cup Champion and again has too many damn Cowboys on his squad (RB Ezekiel Elliot, WR Amari Cooper, DE Satan McBeelzebub). I think Bills QB Josh Allen will be a flop this year and the team also has two stars (QB Ben Rothlisberger and RB Kareen Hunt) accused of violence against women, so there’s really no reason to root for anyone on here. I guess maybe I don’t have a problem with K Zane Gonzalez? Although starting and ending your name with the letter Z is suspicious. Yeah, OK, I hate him too.
The XL Garbage Bags (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 1965.48 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1887.23 pts, 7th place
I updated my team name this morning to better reflect my draft, which was total trash. On the plus side, I have arguably the two top WRs in the league (Michael Thomas and Davante Adams) and two more top-25 pass catchers in Mike Evans and DK Metcalf. On the other hand, Yahoo decided to draft me two injured RBs (Melvin Gordon and David Montgomery) plus the corpse of Leonard Fournette (who I thought I had on an excluded list) along with a disaster of a bench: a backup QB no one wants (Ryan Tannehill), a backup TE who is dead (Jack Doyle) and a backup kicker because no one ever, ever, ever needs a backup kicker. I’m too good of a coach to end up too far down the rankings, but my first impression is that I truly hate this team.
5th Grade Math (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 1948.99 pts, 11th place
My ranking: 1888.23 pts, 6th place
Joanna’s squad (which would have been named “Smrter than a 5th grader” if not for Yahoo’s fascist character limits on team names, why won’t the presidential candidates talk about that, huh? Cowards) reunites former teammates QB Deshaun Watson and WR DeAndre Hopkins for the feel-good story of the league season. Her decision to skip RB Saquon Barkley for RB Alvin Kamara may be the feel-bad story of the season, if the Giants lead back ends up returning to MVP form. She also snagged TE Zach Ertz but the lack of other Eagles may make her interest in the team wane. It’s either that or the crushing demands of school at home, one of those two will probably sink her championship chances.
Lataja Orly Lataja (Dad)
Yahoo ranking: 2277.76 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 2013.13 pts, 5th place
Yahoo gave Dad top marks for his draft for the second year in a row, which means again he has zero chance of winning the league. His team, whose name is Polish for “I’m going to make you have to copy and paste my team name every single week,” includes all-world QB Lamar Jackson (who won’t repeat last year’s success), the remains of former all-world RB Todd Gurley, and three other injured players among his front-line starters. But, hey, Yahoo loves the value of his backup QB and TE, so, great.
We Love the Mud (Mom Doyle)
Yahoo ranking: 2086.25 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 2101.10 pts, 4th place
Mom’s team is … good? Bad? Totally unpredictable? QB Matt Ryan and WR Juju Smith-Schuster were incredible two years ago. Could they be again? RBs Dalvin Cook and Miles Sanders will both make the Pro-Bowl, if they don’t get hurt yet again and miss most of the season. WRs DeSean Jackson, Emmanuel Sanders and Brandin Cooks could all be in line for huge years, unless they’re not. If she could have drafted TE Jared Cook, then this team would have had a clear identity (Too Many Cooks, obviously). But now? K Justin Tucker is solid. Let’s just focus on that.
Pre-Recorded Boos (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 2068.57 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 2198.01 pts, 3rd place
Bob wins the 2020 award for the best team name (please note, there is no actual award for this) and could win the whole shebang with a good looking squad. His Kansas City stack of QB Patrick Mahomes and WR Tyreek Hill could be worth about 600 pts combined, and his absurdly deep receiving army of WR Odell Beckham, WR Calvin Ridley, TE Mark Andrews and WR Courtland Sutton are enviable. But like my team, Yahoo decided not to provide him with any RBs of worth this year, so we’ll have to see if Bob can invent a rushing attack with a series of backups in Devin Singletary, Damien Williams and Marlon Mack. If he can find one, though, Bob could boo his way into loud cheers. Cheer boos. I feel like that’s something we should have invented already.
Ezekiel34 holdout (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 2012.14 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2223.22 pts, 2nd place
This is a sneaky good looking team. Joel has solid RB starters (Saquon Barkley and Austin Eckler) and sleepers (Zack Moss and Antonio Gibson), a four-deep receiving corps (Allen Robinson, AJ Brown, Cooper Kupp and TY Hilton), plus the Chicago defense and a still-productive QB in Drew Brees. Could he contend for another title? Absolutely. Will he? No, because Joel’s team name shows he is still living in the past, and you can’t win without innovation.
SweatpantsEnthusiast (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 2109.32 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 2299.97 pts, 1st place
The best way to tank a good team in this league is for me to pick it to win the title, so let’s get to destroying Mike’s armada with hyped expectations. He’s got three great RBs (Nick Chubb, Josh Jacobs, Chris Carson). He’s got two undervalued WRs (Robert Woods and Marvin Jones Jr.). He has two really good TEs (Darren Waller and Evan Engram), which never works out in this league. He has last year’s #1 defense (New England) and the Cowboys QB (Dak Prescott) in what he hopes will be big repeat fantasy performances. He has QB Tom Brady on his bench, providing leadership. He has RB Kerryon Johnson in case he needs a slightly-warm body to throw in the way of oncoming traffic. All the pieces are there. Can Mike return to glory?
Probably not. But, hey, it’s fun to think about something other than quarantine right now.
Here's a reminder of what you're playing for:
Get those rosters set for the season kick-off on Thursday night and good luck to all. You will need it.
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