Fantasy league 2014 -- week 3 recap

Actual facts from the Eagles’ win Sunday that make you wonder if they actually won that game:

** Nick Foles had a pathetic 4 yds passing in the first quarter of the game on Sunday. The Eagles offense had the ball for 2 mins, 9 seconds in that quarter.
** The Eagles lost two offensive lineman and their top RB during the course of the game, and totaled only 54 rushing yards for the day.
** The Eagles were down 10 points for the third game in a row.
** The Philly defense allowed two 100-yard WRs, 76 offensive plays and 511 yards of offense to the DC opponents.
** Nick Foles was actually killed twice on the field by hits from defensive linemen.

So, if the Niners jump out to a 21-0 lead on Sunday … that means the birds will be 4-0? Maybe?

QB: Andrew Luck, 40.30 pts -- started by Jim
WR: Julio Jones, 32.23 pts -- started by Jo
RB: Marshawn Lynch, 26.47 pts -- started by me
TE: Martellus Bennett, 20.60 pts -- sitting on my bench
K: Adam Vinatieri, 16.00 pts -- started by Paul
DEF: Atlanta, 31.00 pts -- sitting on Paul’s bench
D: Bruce Carter, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Three of the top five fantasy WRs (Garcon, Maclin and Matthews) and two of the top three fantasy QBs (Cousins and Foles) came from Sunday’s Eagles game. DeSean Jackson? Good game in his return, but only good enough to be the 12th best wideout this week. But he did get away with the most uncalled cheap shots, so he has that going for him.

“Craptastic” edition

3rd place: Jalen Saunders, -1.50 pts -- on the wire
1st place (tie): Jacksonville, -4.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place (tie): Washington, -4.00 pts -- on the wire

Of course, the trade off to all those big offensive numbers is that the DC defense was an awful, awful fantasy play...

Worth noting: Of the 10 worst defenses this week, we started five of them. Combined, Dad (Baltimore), Paul (Buffalo), Ant (San Fran), Houston (Jeff), and Sam (Carolina) scored 15 pts with those bums, while Joanna scored 22 pts with her Detroit defense alone.


Joe Buck, at the start of the Eagles game Sunday: “It could not be more perfect weather here in Philadelphia.”

Display on the screen: “76 degrees, partly cloudy.”

It does not surprise me to learn that Joe Buck’s version of a clear sky is one that is not clear.

Here’s a look at the players you should have drafted for your college football fantasy league, based on this weekend’s performances:

** QB: Taylor Heinicke, Old Dominion -- 56.8 fantasy pts
(430 passing yds, 5 TDs; 36 rushing yds, 1 TD)
** RB: Melvin Gordon, Wisconsin -- 56.6 fantasy pts
(253 rushing yds, 5 TDs; 1 catch, 5 yds)
** WR: Cayleb Jones, Arizona -- 43.4 fantasy pts
(13 catches for 186 yds, 3 TDs)
** DEF: Temple -- 48 fantasy pts
(Zero pts allowed, 3 sacks, 4 turnovers, 3 return TDs, 1 punt block)

I actually found the kicker point totals too, but they were pretty boring. Besides, if you started these four players, you’d have a 200-plus pts week already.


Left for dead by many pundits, the Dallas Cowboys find themselves in second place early in the season. It’s a good start but can it last?
Short answer: no.
Long answer: Well, the name of the team’s new DT doesn’t think so:

Dallas Cowboys free agent defensive tackle Terrell McClain
Gym tent fleecers: Second is twice above real rank. Fall called.

You’d think with all that money, the Cowboys could work out in a real practice facility and not a gym tent. Maybe it has something to do with harnessing their evil.


** Posted an impressive 12-4 record in the picks this week, two better than Dad and leaving us even for the yearly standings. I’d like to thank the Bears for not blowing that Monday night game despite really trying.

** For the record, the Eagles have led for 4 mins 39 seconds of their 90 mins of first half play so far this year. That’s … not good. But they’ve had the lead for all three of the final seconds of those games.

** Six teams on a bye this week plus a Thursday night game means that on Sunday there will be … two games? Three games?

Week 3 standings

1 --- Tickle me Romo --- 429.16 pts
2 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 415.09 pts
3 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 394.59 pts
4 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 386.28 pts
5 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 382.55 pts
6 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 375.64 pts
7 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 374.93 pts
8 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 358.33 pts
9 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 341.91 pts
10 --- king hippo --- 317.20 pts
11 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 314.23 pts

I’ve got a hold of the #1 spot once again, but it’s a shrinking lead. Another good week by Jim, a 150-plus-pts performance from Joanna’s squad, and another solid result for Jeff put the top four spots in the hands of current/former Ohio residents.

Meanwhile, Sam’s 79-pts week leaves him struggling near the bottom. And everyone else? There’s only 14 weeks left to get your acts in gear…

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 2 recap

In honor of some baby news this week, here’s a look at the worst infant items available for purchase from the NFL:

Denrve Broncos skirt and pants: I know the NFL says this says “Denver” but maybe the spelling problem is just because of the concussions.
Oakland track suit: No children should be made to wear Raiders anything, unless they’re in time-out.
Dolphins glow in the dark pacifier: Give your sleeping baby that nice blue radioactive glow.
Headless 49ers onesie: The picture on the outfit is headless, not the baby, but either way it’s kind of horrifying.
Tony Romo baby jersey: Warning -- choking hazard

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 35.14 pts -- started by Bobert
WR: Jordy Nelson, 28.93 pts -- started by Ant
RB: Knile Davis, 27.63 pts -- on the wire
TE: Antonio Gates, 31.40 pts -- on Paul’s bench
K: Dan Bailey, 19.00 pts -- started by Ant
DEF: New England, 30.00 pts -- started by Mike
D: Chandler Jones, 17.00 pts -- on the wire

Second week in a row that a TE and DEF outperformed the top RB and WR. That’s either a sign of the ever-changing nature of NFL game plans, or a coincidence.

“Bottom feeders” edition
3rd place: Justin Brown, -0.60 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Miami, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Jacksonville, -3.00 pts -- on the wire

In other news, the Giants still stink. In two weeks of work, their defense is worth zero points. At this pace, they’ll … well, zero points isn’t really a pace.


Nameless ESPN reporter, talking about news that QB Robert Griffin dislocated his ankle and will be on the bench for a while:

“They still don’t know how long he’ll be out, but it was definitely good news for Washington.”

I think he was saying the severity of the injury wasn’t as bad as they feared, and he could be back sometime this year. But I like my reading better: It’s great news that he’ll miss at least some games, and hopefully he’ll never return.

Heck, that’s what the locals are saying anyways. You think Philly is the only town that can turn on a superstar for no good reason?

** At 5-6, Sproles is the second shortest active player in the NFL. The shortest is Trindon Holliday, at 5-5. There are 7 players in the league who top 6-9.
** Sproles is the second fastest player in the NFL, averaging 976 mph on his sprints. The fastest is Eli Manning, who sucks at the speed of light.
** As an infant, Sproles was 5-6 and ran at 976 mph. Only his football awareness has changed over the years.
** Seriously, did you see that TD run?
** Sproles has been let go/traded by two teams over the course of his career. Those teams are idiots.


In keeping with this week’s baby theme, I’m just gonna zero in on how much Cowboys players inherently hate kids. Consider:

Dallas Seventh-Round Rookie Nose Tackle Ken Bishop
** No honor, no peace: Evader bloke hunts, kills, eats kids

This isn’t the first kid-eating anagram I’ve discovered, and it won’t be the last. These guys really, really, really hate children.


**.Dad picked up two games in the weekly picks this week, but in fairness my picks got done while Joanna was in labor. I was a miserable 5-10 as a result. But even I wasn’t foolish enough to pick the Patriots over the Vikings like certain other parents of mine...

** Ohio State won 66-0 on Saturday and dropped one spot in the AP poll (from 22 to 23). Because Virginia Tech (their previous loss) lost to unranked East Carolina. Also, because college football rankings suck.

** My favorite headline of the weekend: Football moves up to 21 in the AP top 25. Honestly, I would have put football in the top 10 of football rankings. Still below the SEC, of course.

Week 2 standings

1 --- Tickle me Romo (Capt. Awesome) --- 295.39 pts
2 --- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) --- 281.93 pts
3 --- Sheldon's Big Money (Jim) --- 272.96 pts
4 --- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) --- 270.57 pts
5 --- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) --- 259.10 pts
6 --- Stewie Griffins Head (Dad) --- 254.16 pts
7 --- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) --- 241.35 pts
8 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike) --- 240.07 pts
9 --- king hippo (Sam) --- 238.18 pts
10 --- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) --- 222.05 pts
11 --- Car full of Clowneys (Joel) --- 218.80 pts

Another week, same name atop the standings.

Several big point totals left on the bench this weekend. Paul left 47 pts on his bench, and Sam would have approached a 200-pt week if not for the 61 wasted pts on his.

Joanna left 31 pts on her bench, mostly in the form of Darren Sproles, and used the lame excuse of Sunday morning labor for her poor performance. She’ll do anything to cover up her bad coaching.

Fantasy League 2014 -- week 1 recap

It’s only week 1 of the NFL season, and many couch potato fans are still in pre-season shape. But fear not -- no matter how bad you thought your start was, at least you outperformed several pro football stars this weekend. Consider:

-- If you managed not to fall backwards off your couch, you outrushed WR DeSean Jackson (-9 rushing yards on Sunday).
-- If you held onto your remote, you had a better TD/turnover ratio than QB Robert Griffin (zero TDs, one fumble lost on Sunday).
-- If you didn’t fall into your fridge when you got a snack, you had more success on returns than RB Dexter McCluster (-2 return yards on Sunday).
-- If your house didn’t fall into a sinkhole, then you picked up more ground than Division II College of Faith (-100 yards of offense against Tusculum College).
-- If you managed not to have a facial seizure, then you were less dopey than QB Eli Manning (100% dopey on Monday).

QB: Matt Ryan, 37.42 pts -- started by Jeff
WR: Calvin Johnson, 29.93 pts -- started by Jim
RB: LeVeon Bell, 29.27 pts -- started by Jo
TE: Julius Thomas, 31.93 pts -- started by me
K: Matt Bryant, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Houston, 31.00 pts -- started by Jeff
D: Sio Moore, 11.50 pts -- on the wire

Yeah, I have no idea what a Sio Moore is either.

I may pick up whatever defense is playing Washington each week -- they coughed up two red zone fumbles, allowed a blocked extra point and gave up a touchdown on a blocked punt. The other 31 teams combined only gave up four blocked kicks on the weekend.

“Starting off on the wrong foot” edition
3rd place: Donald Brown, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: New Orleans, -3.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: New York Giants, -5.00 pts -- on the wire

Only one week in and the Giants defense is already worth fewer fantasy points than you are. Gawd, I love the NFC East. And I haven’t even made fun of the Cowboys yet.

Before the season started ESPN radio personalities Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg made their picks for each of the division winners and the eventual Super Bowl champion (both picked Seattle or USC, I can’t remember which). Greenberg remarked that the league is so tough to predict this year that he couldn’t figure out which teams would be “the surprises” -- teams like the 2013 Texans (who finished 2-14 despite pre-season hype) and 2013 Chiefs (who finished 12-4 despite two wins the previous year).

Here’s the thing that Greenberg failed to grasp: That’s what the word “surprise” means. If you can predict it, it’s not a surprise. If you “could have seen that coming,” it’s not a surprise. If you hedge your bets and say the Bills are the worst team in football but they still could win the Super Bowl, it’s not a surprise if they win the Super Bowl.

Greenberg followed up that statement by asking other ESPN talking heads to identify their surprises for the season, so he’ll know when to be shocked.

The fall NFL apparel catalog came in the mail this week. Featured in the front of the mailer are “game jerseys” for all 32 NFL teams. Most of the picks are obvious (McCoy for the Eagles, Brady for the Patsies) but a few of the less star-studded teams are just sad. Here’s a look at the worst.

-- Jacksonville: Blake Bortles
** He could be a great QB one day, but he’s not even the starter right now. Who wants a benchwarmer jersey?
-- Oakland: Khalil Mack
** I had to look up who he was. Rookie linebacker. But I dare you to name another Oakland player.
-- Cleveland: Johnny Manziel
** See Blake Bortles
-- San Diego: Keenan Allen
** He’s a fine young wideout, but somewhere Phillip Rivers is pissed off.
-- Denver: Demaryius Thomas
** Let’s be honest -- he really overshadows their no-name QB.

It’s a new season, it’s a new infusion of talent, and there are new Dallas players with the same old evil, evil hearts. In the 27 years I’ve been anagramming Cowboys names (I was doing it mentally well before the blog) I’ve never stopped being surprised at the inherent evil in these guys. Consider their fourth-round pick this year:

New Dallas Linebacker Anthony Hitchens
** Wannabe clanks: “Honestly, I hate children.” ** 

What is it with these guys and hating/eating kids? Pure evil.


** Dad and I split the weekly picks, so at least I’m not behind to start the season. Honestly, this may be the best I’ve done in our head-to-head match-up in years.

** Well, Ohio State, it was a good season while it lasted.

** John Gruden referred to “the turkey hole” during a deep pass play in the Giants/Lions Monday night football game. I don’t know what that means, but I had nightmares.

** Another Thursday night game this week, because the NFL hates you.

Week 1 standings

1 -- Tickle me Romo (Capt. Awesome) -- 168.20 pts
2 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) --167.50 pts
3 -- Car full of Clowneys (Joel) --134.73 pts
4 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) --131.80 pts
5 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) --130.47 pts
6 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) --126.48 pts
7 -- Stewie Griffins Head (Dad) --124.00 pts
8 -- Sheldon's Big Money (Jim) --122.30 pts
9 -- Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike) -- 117.49 pts
10 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 109.92 pts
11 -- king hippo (Sam) --101.48 pts

The Eagles have been in sole possession of first place in their division for 36 weeks now, but Sam’s run atop the Awesome Cup standings falls one week short of that. The defending champ starts off the new season at the bottom of the pile, mostly because his QB was hurt and his coaching was awful.

And despite a Monday night surge from Jeff, the league’s three-time champion (and commissioner and commander-in-chief) sits on on top of the heap again. Told you Montee Ball and Marshawn Lynch were money.

Fantasy League 2014 -- preseason predictions

Hope you enjoyed your Labor Day, because you've got nothing but four months of backbreaking fantasy work ahead of you. Here’s how the 2014 fantasy season is going to play out:

Sheldon's Big Money (Jim)

Projected 11th place, 1998.72 pts

Jim took his disdain for traditional fantasy personnel to a new level this year, landing four potentially great WRs (Johnson, Cobb, Fitzgerald, Jackson) but only one starting RB (Bernard). Andrew Luck is the perfect QB for his squad, because that's what he'll need to win the league. 

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) 

Projected 10th place, 2039.08 pts

Jeff's team might be OK, but I'll be rooting against it every Sunday. He boasts two Cowboys (Murray and Williams), two Giants (Jennings and Randle), and three guys with dumb names (Brandin Cooks, Demaryius Thomas and Keenan Allen). It's an anagrammer's dream, but it's ugly to look at. 

King Hippo (Sam)

Projected 9th place, 2057.89 pts

The road to a repeat is going to be near impossible for Little Mac, who again will ride Cam Newton's cracked ribs to hopes of glory. But the RB corps of Gerhart/Tate/Rice/Ingram may have fewer rushing TDs than Newton alone, and I hate Vincent Jackson for reasons I don't remember anymore. But I hate him. 

Show Me Your TDs (Ant)

Projected 8th place, 2082.82 pts 

Anthony landed Adrian Peterson, but after that it's a collection of 2011 heroes and not 2014 guarantees. Gronkowski? Andre Johnson? Jones-Drew? DeAngelo Williams? On the plus side, he's got the 49ers starting defense, which still has a few players who haven't been suspended. 

Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike)

Projected 7th place, 2108.78 pts

Brees, Forte and Alshon Jeffery could win this league on their own if we only started three players. But after that, Mike's roster drops off. He has two Lions RBs, the remains of Steven Jackson, Maclin's wonky legs and Jermichael Finley, who I thought retired three years ago. 

Gettin' Chippy (Joanner)

Projected 6th place, 2144.27 pts

If Foles and Chip Kelly can build off last year's success, then Jo and her assistant coach (baby TBA) could have a huge year. But after Lacy, Bell and Juilo Jones, her backups get a little weak (again, unless Kelly turns Sproles into a superstar). And without Akers as a kicker, she already hates her team. 

Car full of Clowneys (Joel)

Projected 5th place, 2314.66 pts

Now we're getting somewhere. Joel's squad looks solid -- Brady, Charles, Antonio Brown and the Seattle D -- and features trendy sleepers like Cordarrelle Patterson and DeAndre Hopkins. But he also has Tony Romo on his bench, and no team with Romo has ever won this league. Nor will they ever.

The Maltese Falcons (Bobert)

Projected 4th place, 2327.88 pts

The top pick in the draft produced solid results for the professor, and Rogers/McCoy looks like a killer 1-2 punch. Garcon and Clay look like great assets too, but beyond that his hands team comes up short. And I still don't believe Bishop Sankey is a real name. More likely, someone was playing NFL magnetic poetry again. 

Tickle me Romo (Capt. Awesome)

Projected 3rd place, 2370.72 pts

You're all going to rue passing on Marshawn Lynch and Montee Ball by the end of the year. Roddy White and Torrey Smith give me a solid WR start too. But picking last left me with RG3 as my play caller, and that could hurt when his leg inevitably snaps in two early in the season. 

I heart WRs (Paul)

Projected 2nd place, 2457.67 pts

Paul's squad looks loaded, and it's not just those beloved wideouts (Bryant/Green/Cruz). I'm a big fan of the Matthens/Gore RB combo, and Jay Cutler could end up being the steal of the year at QB. And he's even set for extra special teams points, with 77-year-old Adam Vinatieri at kicker. 

Stewie Griffins Head (Pop)

Projected 1st place, 2457.68 pts

This could be the year that the old man finally teaches the younger crowd a lesson. He goes into the season with a Manning/Manning QB combo, Welker and Hilton at WR and Ellington and Morris at RB. Spiller is always a sneaky player, and Dwayne Bowe always seems to pick up extra points. Dad's only weak spot to start the season? His kicker got suspended for PEDs (not a joke). That has to be a bad omen. 

OK, folks. Even though your futures are predestined, try to get your rosters set by opening night (which is Thursday, because the NFL hates you and doesn't want you to be able to watch football). Thanks to all for playing, and good luck to none of you.

Fantasy League 2014 -- draft preview

OK, folks, I've had just about enough of Sam's reign of terror as the 2013 Awesome Cup champion. Let's get the new fantasy season started already.

We've got the same set of coaches from last year's campaign and the standard modified NBA draft order system that has served us so well the past five years. The only change this year is Joanna's role as assistant for the sacred picking of the names. Since she'd just get the whole thing pregnanted up, Junior Awesome stepped up this year to begin his work maintaining and conquering the league. He'll be serving as my team's offensive coordinator this year, and he's ready to pick the first name out of the hat to start the season ...

11th pick -- Capt. Awesome
Lousy kid. His first act with the league is to stick me with the worst pick possible. When I asked if he thought we'd have a Super Bowl contender or a lottery team for our fantasy squad, he said "lottery." Then he asked for juice. No game awareness in this kid yet.

10th pick -- Paul
Paul ends up getting the shaft, falling four places in his projected draft order. When asked what to expect from "I heart WRs" this year, Junior responds with "His team is bad because he has no one." True, but it's still pre-draft, so that's a bit unfair.

9th pick -- Sam
Last year's champ moves up a few places, and will pick one slot higher than he did last August. I'm predicting another strong year from him, but Junior says that he likes "the team with the red shirts." He is quickly corrected to say "kelly green" instead.

8th pick -- Jeff
"It's a hat show!" Junior says excitedly when he picks out Jeff's name. I try and explain that "Blue Collar Killers" is at best a shirt party, but to no avail. Either way, Jeff ends up picking exactly where he would if this was a normal draft arrangement.

7th pick -- Jim
When told that Jim used to play football in college, Junior responds by patting me on the arm and whispering "I'm going to eat you." I like the killer instinct, but he's gonna have to channel this rage better.

6th pick -- Pop
Now Junior is legitimately excited. I tell him his grandfather is going to be thrilled that he moved up three spots because of his name picking skills, and he smiles like Dan Snyder when an overpriced free agent comes to visit. Also, now he wants to go see Pop.

5th pick -- Joanner
"Mommy, we picked your name!" It's like the Super Bowl in here right now. Why couldn't he have used some of this luck and excitement when our team was still in the hat? I think he's actually Tebowing right now. No, wait, he just lost his balance again.

4th pick -- Ant
And now he picked out "the Godfather." It's probably not enough to steal Shady McCoy for Anthony's team, but Junior feels like he did his part. LaDanian Tomlinson will definitely still be available.

3rd pick -- Mike
That's a high spot for the two-time Awesome Cup champion, but he had a pretty miserable year in 2013. Junior wants to know if his cousin's name is in there too. When I say no, he wants to go play with cars. When I remind him how important this is ... he still wants to play with cars.

2nd pick -- Joel 
That leaves only one team left, and the excitement is overwhelming. Junior's eyes are as big as Eli Manning's on a third and long. He's also as accurate too -- he just threw a pillow that hit me square in the head, but I think he was aiming for the other couch.

1st pick -- Bobert
The professor has his youngest student to thank for the top pick in this year's draft. It's only fair -- Last year, he picked dead last, so this year he gets the other extreme. I thank Junior for a job well done, he responds by flopping over like Robert Griffin on a routine QB slide.

That's the draft order, folks. Set your player rankings by Friday night at 8, and I’ll switch the draft on sometime that evening. And then the beat downs begin.

While you're at it, switch your team names to something funnier. Right now Joel is in the lead with "Car full of Clowneys" but I appreciate Sam's "King Hippo" avatar too. Just know that he's gonna go down in a heap when the time comes.

And one final reminder: Here's what you're all playing for:

Phillies/Eagles prop bets

Pick which will be higher at the end of their respective seasons:

-- Phillies wins (70ish?) or Jeremy Maclin catches (most in a season = 70)

-- Darren Sproles rushing yds (220 last year) or Domonic Brown batting avg (.224 today)

-- Phillies losses (95ish?) or Eagles wins times 10 (10 last year)

-- Marlon Byrd HRs (23 now) or Nick Foles TD passes (27 last year) 

-- Alex Henery FGs (23 last year) or Jimmy Rollins stolen bases (23 now)

-- Eagles playoff games (1 last year) or Phillies playoff games (no chance)

Fantasy football league is back up

The league has been renewed. If you're a returning coach, go sign up here today.

What to watch for in the Eagles first preseason game

This Friday, we'll get an answer to these burning questions:

1 -- How will Ifeanyi Momah perform?
Who's he? Momah was the #2 wideout for the Eagles in practice on Tuesday, after Jeremy Maclin rested his sore knee and Riley Cooper took the day off with a foot injury. The undrafted free agent probably won't be the long-term replacement for DeSean Jackson when the season starts, and Maclin expects to play on Friday. But, you never know with injuries...

2 -- Can Malclom Jenkins play both safety positions?
And maybe CB too? The Eagles ranked 32nd in the league against the pass last year, but Jenkins is the only new starter among the secondary. How much can he bring alone to fix the problem? Good news is they can't really do worse.

3 -- Will Matt Barkley win the #2 QB job over Mark Sanchez?
Follow up question: If either one has to start a game this season, will the Eagles score negative points?

4 -- Is Trent Cole still on this team?
The answer is yes, but isn't that surprising? Wasn't he drafted in the 1970s?

5 -- How will Chip Kelly shock the league this year?
Last season, the rookie coach had the fifth-highest scoring offense and the top rushing attack in all of football. This season? The defense needs fixing and the offense needs sustaining. And I'm sure he'll show all his cards in the first preseason game. That's when you want to show off the new razzle dazzle.

Looking ahead

As of today, the Phillies are 47-61. Here's a look at what the rest of the season could bring:

If they go 0-54:
--- Final record: 47-115

If they go 23-31:
-- Final record: 70-92

If they go 27-27:
--- Final record: 74-88

If they go 34-20:
--- Final record: 81-81

If they go 43-11:
--- Final record: 90-72

If they go 54-0:
--- Final record: 101-61

Rejected 2014 Eagles-themed fantasy football team names

-- Flying the Cooper
-- Foles rush in
-- Missing-in-action Jackson
-- Chipping away
-- So bad it Ertz
-- Barkley up the wrong tree
-- Bros before Sproles
-- Big Maclin
-- Mark Sanchez sucks

Phillies all-time All-Star roster

1B -- Pete Rose (4 appearances)
2B -- Chase Utley (6 appearances)
SS -- Larry Bowa (5 appearances)
3B -- Mike Schmidt (12 appearances)
RF -- Johnny Callison (3 appearances)
CF -- Richie Ashburn (4 appearances)
LF -- Greg Luzinski (4 appearances)
SP -- Steve Carlton (7 appearances)
RP -- Robin Roberts (5 appearances)

I know putting Roberts as a relief pitcher is cheating, but no Phillies closer has ever had more than one All Star appearance. Besides, given the choice between Tom Gordon and Robin Roberts for the ninth, who are you sending out to the mound?

Futility perspective

Times the Phils have scored five runs in a game over the last two weeks:
--- 2

Times the German soccer team has scored five goals in a game over the last two weeks:
--- 1

I'd give the Phils a 50/50 chance to beat the German futeballers in a 9-inning match.

Soccer's wet blanket

I get that the World Cup is only a snapshot of each team's accomplishments, and that the tournament only comes every four years. But to win over casual skeptics, you do have to consider the following facts:

-- This year, the US played in 4 World Cup games. They won 1.
-- In the last 10 years, the US has played in 9 World Cup games. They've won 2.
-- In the last 20 years, the US has played in 23 World Cup games. They've won 5.

Eight teams have three or more wins this year alone.

I'm not saying the team is regressing, or that it wasn't fun. I'm just saying it's a lot to ask for casual fans to wait another Olympic-long break for the possibility of one more win.

ESPN search engine optimized headlines for June

-- LeBron James' next stop: The Yankees?
-- Tim Tebow on the U.S. soccer team
-- Carmelo Anthony: 'I want to be the Brett Favre of New York'
-- Would two LeBrons beat Michael Jordan ... and LeBron?
-- Steven A. Smith breaks down latest NBA analysis by Steven A. Smith
-- NFL NFL NFL NFL

There's always a chance (except in the NBA)

Different franchises to win a championship, by sport:

NFL
Last 10 years: 8
Last 20 years: 13
Last 30 years: 15

MLB
Last 10 years: 6
Last 20 years: 9
Last 30 years: 17

NHL
Last 10 years: 7
Last 20 years: 11
Last 30 years: 15

NBA
Last 10 years: 5
Last 20 years: 8
Last 30 years: 8

So, in the last three decades, roughly half of the franchises in baseball, football and hockey have won a championship. Only a quarter of the franchises in basketball have.

But next year is a new season! Anyone has a chance to win it all (provided you’re in Miami, LA or Texas).

Silver lining

NL All-Star voting as of 6/9:

It's a terrible baseball season, but at least one thing is right in the world. 

Spinning the Phillies record positive

Entering Tuesday's game, from the "hope springs eternal" files:

Phils record vs NL only: 23-23
Phils record on the road: 12-12
Phils record in games south of Philly: 11-11
Phils record in extra innings: 4-4
Phils record in 1-run games: 11-10

Phils record in day games: 10-8

Phils record on the weekend: 11-7

If you just look at those numbers, the team doesn't look so bad. 

Fixing Natitude

The Washington Nationals dropped below .500 again this week, so I thought I'd help their promotions department by updating their print ads:

 

    

Alternatives to the current NBA draft

-- Three-on-three tournament for the lottery teams, in lieu of the NBA playoffs. Winner gets the top pick. That'll keep teams from tanking.

-- Team CEO battle royale. Last one out of the ring gets the prize.

-- Announce that Cleveland gets the #1 pick, no matter what. After all, they've gotten it three times in the last four years and another one in 2003.

-- Just, you know, give the worst teams the top pick, like everybody else.

Evaluating the Eagles 2014 draft, anagrams-style

Round 1: OLB Marcus Smith
Top anagram: I am sloth crumbs
Verdict: Questionable 

Round 2: WR Jordan Matthews
Top anagram: Drawn smart, jet how!
Verdict: Promising

Round 3: Wideout Josh Huff
Top anagram: I just fed woof, huh?
Verdict: Troubling

Round 4: CB Jaylen Watkins
Top anagram: Twinkly cab jeans
Verdict: Disturbing

Round 5a: DE Taylor Hart
Top anagram: A ratty holder
Verdict: Terrible

Round 5b: S Ed Reynolds
Top anagram: Sleds nerd, yo
Verdict: Weird

Round 7: DT Beau Allen
Top anagram: A belled tuna
Verdict: Adorable

The only sensible Eagles draft pick

With the NFL draft set to kick off Thursday, most of the so-called experts have Chip Kelly's Eagles taking a wideout or a defensive back in the first round. That would be a waste.

Sure, with the departure of DeSean Jackson, they need speed and size on offense. But a one-dimensional wide receiver or cornerback only helps half of the time. What would spur the team would be a perfect blend of both, a two-way player who can both score points and supply a stifling defense.

The right choice with the 22nd pick is to take Michael Carter-Williams.

Pros:
-- Led the NBA in points, rebounds and assists among rookies
-- At 6-6, provides a tall end zone target
-- Already familiar with Philadelphia
-- A natural "point guard" on the field
-- Not discouraged by losing or adversity
-- Will be available in the late first round

Cons:
-- Doesn't play football (Kelly's offense can fix that)
-- At 185, he'll need to put on some weight
-- As a non QB or kicker, likely can't wear #1
-- Did have recent shoulder surgery
-- Has prior commitments during some late fall weeks

Forget the scouting reports -- he's clearly the right fit for the birds. If they decide to take another route, there's still a chance he'll be available in round two, but I wouldn't let him slip below that.

Flyers in game 7s

Year	Opponent	Round	Home?	Result
2011	Buffalo	first	home	win
2010	Bruins	second	away	win
2008	Capitals	first	away	win
2004	Lightning	third	away	loss
2003	Leafs	first	home	win
2000	Devils	third	home	loss
1989	Penguins	second	away	win
1988	Capitals	first	away	loss
1987	Islanders	second	home	win
1987	Oilers	finals	away	loss
1981	Flames	second	home	loss
1976	Leafs	first	home	win
1975	Islanders	second	home	win
1974	Rangers	second	home	win
1968	Blues	first	home	loss

Overall record: 9-6

Away record: 3-2

Round 1 record: 4-2

Vs. NY record: 3-0

With Claude Giroux record: 3-0

Better NFL PR than NFL's PR shop

A mid-April NFL quiz for you: Identify which sentences below came from a serious news story by ESPN on the NFL's upcoming schedule release, and which came from a press release promoting the league from NFL headquarters:

"Annually, the release of the NFL schedule has become almost like a national holiday."
-- Answer

"Throughout the (schedule release) show, fans can interact with the analysts and voice their opinions on the 2014 NFL schedule by posing questions via Twitter and Facebook."
-- Answer

"Starting Wednesday, teams can start printing out schedules and fans can start making their plans for the 2014 season."
-- Answer

"A three-hour special hosted by Rich Eisen and featuring analysts Steve Mariucci, Warren Sapp, and Mike Silver breaks down the entire 2014 regular season schedule, division by division, analyzing the top matchups and primetime games"
-- Answer

"Within the next year, NFL owners are expected to vote on the addition of one more playoff team per conference, allowing each conference to have seven playoff teams."
-- Answer

"Finally! NFL will release 2014 schedule on Wednesday night"
-- Answer

OK, that last one was a trick. I guess ESPN isn't the only news org totally in the bag for the league.

Tax day for Philly players

Here's a look at all of Philadelphia's current athletic millionaires -- 65 baseball, football, basketball and hockey players currently make more than $1 million. Combined, they'll collect more than $341 million this year.

That means that through the Philadelphia wage tax -- which sits at just under 3.5% for non-residents -- this group will bring in almost $12 million in tax revenue for the city. Which means Philly will have enough money to hire LeSean McCoy ($9.7 million salary) and Michael Carter-Williams ($2.2 million salary) to pick up trash around City Hall, if they want.

Other interesting observations:

-- The top seven highest paid Philly athletes are all Phillies.
-- Kyle Kendrick gets paid twice what Claude Giroux does.
-- Only one current Sixer and one current Flyer crack the top 20.
-- Jonathan Papelbon stinks.

Phillies home openers, by the numbers

All stats before today's opening day loss.

** W/L in home openers in the last 30 years: 10-20

** Longest home opener winning streak: 2 games (once)

** Longest home opener losing streak: 4 games (twice)

** 10+ runs scored on home opener: 1
** 10+ runs allowed on home opener : 5

** Average home opener margin of defeat: 4.0 runs
** Average home opener margin of victory: 2.8 runs

** Home opener losses that lead to losing seasons: 11
** Home opener losses that lead to winning seasons: 9

** Home opener wins that lead to losing seasons: 6
** Home opener wins that lead to winning seasons: 4

** Home opener losses that lead to World Series appearances: 3
** Home opener wins that lead to World Series appearances: 0

So, ignoring everything but that last stat, be excited that the Phils got killed today. 

Meet the new Phillies

There are a handful of new faces on the Phils this year, so what better way is there to meet them than through anagrams?

Third baseman Cody Asche
-- Hired batsman, cash decoy

Catcher Wil Nieves
-- Relieve, can switch

Relief Pitcher Mario Hollands
-- Harpoon arm, chilliest fielder

Starter AJ Burnett
-- Better stat jar run

Pitcher Jeff Manship
-- no anagram needed

Just a friendly reminder

The Sixers were pretty bad even before the long losing streak. 

Field of 64, Philly style

It's that time of year again. Lots of ups and downs in the last year, and plenty of madness. But who had the best performance in Philly sports?

Click on the picture to enlarge.

Filling an Eagles void

Eagles starters at free safety, 2009-present

-- 2014 (projected): Malcolm Jenkins
-- 2013: Patrick Chung
-- 2013: Earl Wolff
-- 2012: Kurt Coleman
-- 2012: Colt Anderson
-- 2011: Nate Allen
-- 2011: Jaiquawn Jarrett
-- 2010: Nate Allen
-- 2009: Victor Harris
-- 2009: Sean Jones

Eagles starters at free safety, 2001-2008

-- 2008: Brian Dawkins
-- 2007: Brian Dawkins
-- 2007: Quintin Mikell
-- 2006: Brian Dawkins
-- 2005: Brian Dawkins
-- 2004: Brian Dawkins
-- 2003: Brian Dawkins
-- 2003: Clinton Hart
-- 2002: Brian Dawkins

-- 2001: Brian Dawkins

Welcome aboard, Jenkins. You don't have to replace a legend, but try not to be as easily replaceable as the other guys who tried. 

Longest losing streaks in Philly

An updated look at some of the worst stretches of Philadelphia sports:

** 1936-37 Eagles -- 11 consecutive losses
** 1999 Flyers -- 12 consecutive games without a win
** 2014 Sixers -- 15 consecutive losses (active)
** 1920 Athletics -- 18 consecutive losses

** 1971-72 Sixers -- 19 consecutive losses

** 1916 Athletics -- 20 consecutive losses
** 1943 Athletics -- 20 consecutive losses
** 1973 Sixers -- 20 consecutive losses
** 1890 Athletics -- 22 consecutive losses
** 1961 Phillies -- 23 consecutive losses

Bottom line -- the Sixers' current streak is nothing to worry about until they hit 20. Then it's historic.

Best deals for the rest of the Sixers season

The 76ers have lost 11 games in a row, sit 27 games below .500 and just traded away two starters for nothing. So, good seats are still available!

-- Orlando at Philadelphia, 2/26
** Second deck, center: $12.80 for a pair of tickets

-- Utah at Philadelphia, 3/8
** Three rows behind the basket: $59.20 for a ticket

-- Detroit at Philadelphia, 3/29
** Floor level, row 26: $43.60 for a pair of tickets

-- Charlotte at Philadelphia, 4/2
** Second deck, center: $120.40 for 14 tickets

Most painful Olympic results

Because all hundredths of a second are not measured equally...

Gold medal results

Men's 1500M skating, Koen Verweij places 2nd by 0.003 seconds
-- 105.009 seconds total time, 1/35,003th of the race

Men's 500M skating, Jan Smeekens places 2nd by 0.01 seconds
-- 69.32 seconds total time, 1/6,932th of the race

Women's 4x5KM cross country, Finland places 2nd by 0.5 seconds
-- 3183 seconds total time, 1/6,366th of the race

Women's Giant Slalom, Anna Fenninger places 2nd by 0.07 seconds
-- 156.94 seconds, 1/2,242nd of the race

Men's downhill, Christof Innerhofer places 2nd by 0.06 seconds
-- 126.29 seconds total time, 1/2,104th of the race

** The men's 15K mass start biathlon ended in a photo finish for gold. Although not an official time, Martin Fourcade appeared to finish 0.001 seconds behind the gold medal winner. The race took 2549.1 seconds, which would make his margin of defeat about 1/2,549,100th of the race.

No-medal results

Men's 2x15KM skiathalon, Russia places 4th by 0.1 seconds
-- 4096.9 seconds total time, 1/40,969th of the race

Two-Man bobsled, Russia places 4th by 0.03 seconds
-- 226.3 seconds total time, 1/7,543rd of the race

Women's skeleton, Katie Uhlaender places 4th by 0.04 seconds
-- 234.34 seconds total time, 1/5,589th of the race

Men's alpine skiing, Otmar Striedinger places 4th by 0.02 seconds
-- 78.69 seconds total time, 1/3,935th of the race

Men's 10KM biathlon, Anton Shipulin places 4th by 0.7 seconds
-- 1479.9 seconds total time, 1/2,114th of the race

Best names from the 2014 Olympics

Names that are too fun to say
-- Yumie Funayama (Japan, women's curling)
-- Byambadorji Bold (Mongolia, men's cross country)
-- Jenni Asserholt (Sweden, women's hockey)

Names that sound like they must mean something else

-- Havard Bokko (Norway, men's speed skating)
-- Karoly Gombos (Hungary, men's biathlon)
-- Anna Haag (Sweden, women's cross country)

Names that were changed just for the Olympics
-- Arielle Gold (USA, women's snowboard)
-- Gracie Gold (USA, women's figure skating)
-- Taylor Gold (USA, men's snowboard)

Names that sound like celebration cheers
-- Grete Gaim (Estonia, women's biathlon)

-- Beat Hefti (Switzerland, men's bobsled)

-- Tim Hug (Switzerland, men's nordic combined)

Names that should be even longer
-- Ida Ingemarsdotter (Sweden, women's cross country)
-- Thomas Hundertpfund (Austria, men's hockey)
-- Gerhard Unterluggauer (Austria, men's hockey)

Smart Investments

If you invested $1,000 in early 2004 in a CD that paid 5% annual interest, you'd have $1,628.90 today.

If you invested $1,000 in early 2004 in a CD that paid 20% annual interest, you'd have $6,191.74 today.

If you bet $100 each of the last 10 years that the first score in the Super Bowl would be a safety (at 50 to 1 odds, the typical offering for that bet), you'd have $9,200 today.

The sad part is, that third bet is the only realistic offering on this list. But if you find a CD offering 20% annual interest, please let me know.

Super Bowl Prop bets, by the numbers

All bets courtesy of BoDog

1/2 -- Over under for FGs made in the third quarter.

4 -- Number of different ways to bet on the coin toss (Heads/tails, Who will win the toss, Will the team calling the toss be right, will the coin toss winner also win the game).

$17.50 -- Amount won, on a $10 bet, that the Eagles will make the playoffs in 2014.

43 -- Number of different ways to bet on Russell Wilson

90.5 -- Over under for Marshawn Lynch rushing yards in the game

$660 -- Amount won, on a $10 bet, if no penalties are called in the game.

$1000 -- Amount needed to win $100 on a bet that Peyton Manning will be the game's MVP.

Happy reunions

Not content just to bring back 36-year-old Marlon Byrd, the Phillies on Tuesday signed 39-year-old former Fightin' Bobby Abreu to a minor league contract (with a chance to make the team in spring training).

Since the Philadelphia front office is on a nostalgia binge, here are a few other names to consider before April rolls around:

** P Curt Schilling: The 47-year-old was always a fan favorite, and you can never have too many arms. Plus, given his recent financial troubles, he could probably use the money.

** OF Pat Burrell: Mr. "The Bat" is two years younger than Abreu and would provide that much-needed right-handed bat the team has lacked since ... well, Pat Burrell.

** QB Jeff Garcia: Sure, he's 43 and never played baseball, but he was always a fan favorite, and you can never have too many arms.

** OF Gary Matthews: The team just fired the 63-year-old broadcaster from his TV gig, but maybe he could provide some late-inning entertainment in another way.

** 1B Ryan Howard: The Big Piece was huge for the Phillies in 2008 and 2009 but hasn't been seen since then. Would be nice to have him hitting for the team again.

** C Darren Daulton: Why the hell not? This team already looks like a mess. Might as well have fun.

Your guide to NFL championship weekend rooting

Looking back

From NFL.com, Aug. 29:

NFC East predictions

Adam Schein: Philadelphia Eagles. Surprised? Don't be. Nine wins might equal a title in this mediocre division. I believe in new coach Chip Kelly, and I think LeSean McCoy is in line for a fantastic season.

Schein was the only one of NFL.com's "experts" to pick the Eagles right. Hell, he may have been the only person in America outside the Eagles organization to say that publicly. And he picked the Texans, Ravens, Falcons and 49ers in the final four.

All I'm saying is, it's hard to get upset about a close playoff loss when it never seemed like they had a chance to be close.

Thanks for making football fun again, Chip. Looking forward to more wins in nine months.

Fantasy League 2013 -- final results

Another season is in the books, and the Awesome Cup is all shined up for its new home. But before the official award ceremony, let’s look back on how the other 10 losers did this year:

Timmy and the Jets (Joel)
Projected finish: 2147.77 pts (5th place)
Actual finish: 1808.72 pts (11th place)
NFL equivalent: Jacksonville Jaguars
Much like the lowly Jags, Joel just couldn’t score any points. Blame his NFC-West-heavy receiving corps. Or QB Matt Ryan. Or bad coaching. Or the new rule changes that make it harder to play defense. Or the economy. Whatever you want, really.

The Maltese Falcons (Bobert)
Projected finish: 2501.33 pts (1st place)
Actual finish: 2039.08 pts (10th place)
NFL equivalent: Houston Texans
Bob’s Super Bowl expectations blew up early, much like the Texans’ season. But he can’t be too upset, since his team’s demise was largely lead by QB Robert Griffin’s sad season. Bad for the Racial Slurs, good for Bob’s Philly rooting interests. Way to take one for the team.

Cheatstrong (ChampMike) 
Projected finish: 2486.41 pts (2nd place)
Actual finish: 2057.89 pts (9th place)
NFL equivalent: Hotlanta Falcons
Geez, did I get any predictions right? Another Super Bowl/ Awesome Cup pre-season favorite goes up in flames. Mike’s problem was mostly apathy, since he clearly didn’t set his roster for weeks. But Andy Reid forgot to coach his team after a 9-0 start, and they still finished strong, right? Wait, they went 2-5 at the end? Damn.

Bad like Congress (Jim)
Projected finish: 2001.03 pts (9th place)
Actual finish: 2082.82 pts (8th place)
NFL equivalent: The House Republicans
Finally, a team finishes around where I thought. I can’t really figure out where things went wrong for Jim, so I can only assume his team decided to take October off without any real plan of how to secure victory. It’s either that or QB Colin Kapernick was a complete let-down this year.

Show me your TDs (Ant)
Projected finish: 1864.55 pts (11th place)
Actual finish: 2108.78 pts (7th place)
NFL equivalent: Cleveland Browns
Not much was expected of the 2011 Awesome Cup champion, so give Anthony credit for what he achieved this year: mediocrity. Like the Browns, Anthony’s squad wasn’t the worst, but was just generally boring. And isn’t that a worse crime than being terrible? At least the really bad Cleveland Indians teams became the basis for “Major League.”

Gettin' Chippy (Jo)
Projected finish: 1999.29 pts (10th place)
Actual finish: 2144.27 pts (6th place)
NFL equivalent: New Jersey Giants
Jo is gonna blame this mediocre finish on QB Tom Brady’s sub-par season, but that’s a cop-out. She had the league’s leading rusher (LeSean McCoy, thank you very much) and a stable of decent TEs. A good coach finds a way to win with that. A bad coach sits around and watches a dopey QB drag the whole team down. Wait, am I talking about Jo or Tom Coughlin?

I mildly like WRs (Paul)
Projected finish: 2146.77 pts (6th place)
Actual finish: 2314.66 pts (5th place)
NFL equivalent: Detroit Lions
Paul’s team stumbled, but like the Lions, you can’t blame his beloved (or mildly beliked) receivers. Brandon Marshall, Demaryius Thomas, Marques Colston, Jarrett Boykin -- if this were a real team, he’d be set. But Adrian Peterson’s off year and his thin RB corps doomed him to a pathetic, objectionable, would-have-been-in-a-different-league’s-playoffs, fifth-place finish.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected finish: 2079.56 pts (8th place)
Actual finish: 2327.88 pts (4th place)
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals
Jeff managed to crack the top five despite making only a single roster move this season. Imagine how he would have finished if he had been trying. Personally, I think what really held him back was having a Dallas RB on his roster. Despite good statistics, those guys always choke down the stretch.

Sheldon Cooper (Dad)
Projected finish: 2200.08 pts (4th place)
Actual finish: 2370.72 pts (3rd place)
NFL equivalent: Chicago Bears
Poor Dad -- he grabs the best fantasy player of the last 30 years (QB Peyton Manning and his insane 520-plus pts) but still only manages a distant third place. Granted, he had no decent wideouts or running backs and had to rely on Denver’s sieve of a defense, but that’s no excuse. This is a league that’s based on offense. That’s why only four of the last 25 teams to average more than 30 points a game have won the Super Bowl.

III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome)
Projected finish: 2321.21 pts (3rd place)
Actual finish: 2457.67 pts (2nd place)
NFL equivalent: Seattle Seahawks
In another year, totaling just shy of 2500 pts would be enough to win the title. Mark that down as another reason why 2013 stunk. I overcame QB Aaron Rodgers’ injury, grabbed QB Nick Foles and the league-leading Seattle D off the wire, and coached my makeshift WR corps of TY Hilton and Wes Welker to near glory. But this league follows “Talledega Nights” rules -- if you’re not first, you’re last -- so I did no better than everyone but the champ. Except, you know, I did way better than most of you.

Kickers Rule (Sam)
Projected finish: 2106.41 pts (7th place)
Actual finish: 2603.94 pts (1st place)
NFL equivalent: Denver Broncos
Both Sam and Denver set new team scoring records this season. But while Denver did it the easy way -- assembling a strong team from undervalued free agents and solid draft picks -- Sam did it the smart way: dumb luck. RBs Jamaal Charles and Matt Forte topped the league, QB Cam Newton piled up the points, the KC defense fell in his lap, and he laughed all the way to the top. Not too bad for someone who could only name about six NFL players at the start of the season.

Congrats, Sam. You name has been etched among the legends of the league.

Thanks again to everyone for participating this year. I'm not sure if you all stick around because you enjoy playing or because you enjoy me making fun of you playing, but either way I appreciate it. Let's do it again in eight months. 

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 17 recap

 

Every year, around this time, there’s a wonderful spirit of kindness and brotherhood that spreads throughout the country. We all come from different backgrounds, different beliefs, different colors, but we unite in the same spirit of togetherness and community. It’s a beautiful, serene experience.

I’m talking, of course, about the final Dallas game of the year.

The Cowboys completed the NFC East trifecta on Sunday night, losing the division title in their final contest for the third year in a row. And they did it with three different teams: in 2011 it was the Giants; in 2012, the Maryland Racial Slurs; and this year, the beloved Eagles.

Last year, Philly and New Jersey fans put aside their differences to root for the Maryland team. Two years ago, you could feel the love from Philly and the DC suburbs pushing the G-Men to victory. And last night, the whole East Coast felt united in Brotherly Love behind another soul-crushing defeat of Dallas.

The Cowboys’ final-day choke comes but once a year, but if we truly believe in the magic of that game, we can keep that feeling in our hearts all year round.
  Top fantasy performers of the year

3rd QB: Andy Dalton, 354.64 pts -- 16th QB drafted (me)
2nd QB: Drew Brees, 435.68 pts -- 2nd QB drafted (Ant)
1st QB: Peyton Manning, 520.98 pts -- 3rd QB drafted (Dad)
First QB drafted? Aaron Rodgers, by me. I dropped Dalton early and kept the Packers QB, who ended up 23rd in pts, behind Geno Smiith. Smart play.

3rd WR: Brandon Marshall, 262.17 pts -- 5th WR drafted (Paul)
2nd WR: Demaryius Thomas, 272.33 pts -- 6th WR drafted (Paul)
1st WR: Antonio Brown, 274.43 pts -- 21st WR drafted (Jeff)
I guess Paul gets to keep his “I love WRs” team name next year…

3rd RB: LeSean McCoy, 313.13 pts -- 3rd RB drafted (Jo)
2nd RB: Matt Forte, 319.50 pts -- 12th RB drafted (Sam)
1st RB: Jamaal Charles, 356.90 pts -- 9th RB drafted (Sam)
Doug Martin and Arian Foster looked like such good top five picks in September…

3rd TE: Julius Thomas, 189.53 pts -- 20th TE drafted (Sam)
2nd TE: Tony Gonzalez, 190.77 pts -- 3rd TE drafted (me)
1st TE: Jimmy Graham, 264.50 pts -- 1st TE drafted (Dad)
Catching a theme yet? Sam got great production this year from late draft picks.

3rd K: Justin Tucker, 162.00 pts -- 6th K drafted (Dad)
2nd K: Matt Prater, 170.00 pts -- 5th K drafted (Mike)
1st K: Stephen Gotkowski, 179.00 pts -- 3rd K drafted (me)
We did surprisingly good drafting kickers. Usually the top guys end up being undrafted schlubs.

3rd DEF: Kansas City, 229.00 pts -- undrafted
2nd DEF: Carolina, 230.00 pts -- undrafted
1st DEF: Seattle, 239.00 pts -- 1st DEF drafted (Paul)
And Paul turned around and dumped the Seattle D two weeks into the season. Thanks!

3rd D: Lavonte David, 92.00 pts -- undrafted
2nd D: NaVarrow Bowman, 96.50 pts -- undrafted
1st D: Karlos Dansby, 103.50 pts -- undrafted
Honestly, I can’t remember the last time we did draft one of these guys.

“End of the year” edition
4th place: Luke McCown, -0.40 pts
3rd place: Charlie Whitehurst, -0.50 pts
2nd place: Matt Moore, -1.88 pts
1st place: Curtis Painter, -1.92 pts

All backup QBs on the final loser list, but Painter’s interception in the waning moments of Sunday’s meaningless Giants win allowed him to jump below Moore for the season title.

With the crown comes fame, fortune, and the knowledge that even though he threw for only 57 yards and two INTs on the year, Painter still had a better season than Eli Manning’s 27-INT campaign. His 69.4 QB rating was good for 39th in the league (among QBs with 100-plus attempts), and could have slumped lower if he didn’t leave Sunday’s game early with an ankle injury.

Never change, little Eli. Never change.


Before last week’s Military Bowl (featuring 9-4 Marshall vs. 7-5 Maryland), ESPN ran a promo defending the ridiculous slate of post-season college games. “They matter, because they matter to them” it stated, referring to the dozens of relatively unknown (and likely undraftable) players who get one last chance to take the field as college athletes.

And that’s fine. Hell, I love me some extra college football. But let’s be honest about what it is: A participation trophy for all the little leaguers who don’t win.

There are 35 bowl games this year. Of the 70 teams featured, 16 have seven wins or fewer. No one is watching the Beef O Brady’s Bowl or the Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl (both real) for the beauty of competition. It’s a gold star for the kids who finished in the top 70.

Congrats to the San Diego Chargers, who just barely reached the playoffs this year but are a shoo-in to hold up the Lombardi trophy in a few weeks. Why? Just look at the last few years of Eagles history for the answer:

2009 Philly home opener: 48-22 loss to the Saints
2009 Super Bowl: Saints win, 31-17

2010 Philly home opener: 27-20 loss to the Packers
2010 Super Bowl: Packers win, 31-25

2011 Philly home opener: 29-16 loss to the Giants
2011 Super Bowl: Giants win, 21-17

2012 Philly home opener: 24-23 win over the Ravens
2012 Super Bowl: Ravens win, 34-31

2013 Philly home opener: 33-30 loss to the Chargers
2013 Super Bowl: ???

Seems pretty obvious that San Diego will be hoisting the trophy soon enough. Of course, maybe the other team to play in that Philadelphia home opener gets to sneak in this year...


After another sad regular season finish for America’s team, is there a better way to close out another year of insult anagrams than with the Dallas squad’s plans for January? I think not, because even in the off-season, these folks are pure evil.

Dallas Cowboys players, coaches preparing for the postseason
** Plans are golf practice, cosy booth, sleep, spa days, arson, whores

I don’t write them, folks. I just rearrange the letters.


** I went 14-1 in my picks this week, triumphantly storming back and tying Dad in our weekly contest with just a single game left on the schedule (thanks to some creative picks from Dad). Sadly, that left the Eagles/Dallas game as a tiebreaker, and Dad took the under on the 52.5 over/under line to win the tiebreaker and the season.

That gives Dad a lifetime record in the picks of … (checks his files) … you know what, that’s not important. Onto the playoffs.

** The Broncos scored 606 points this season, a new NFL record. At the other end of the offensive spectrum, the Jaguars have scored 607 points in their last 37 games combined.

** ESPN hired Tim Tebow to talk about college football. Now ESPN is going to be able to cover itself covering football, because everything Tebow does is newsworthy. It’s called making your own news.


Week 17 Standings and the awarding of the Awesome Cup will be unveiled tomorrow.

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 16 recap

What noteable NFLers are asking for Christmas this year:

** Eagles QB Nick Foles: More sleeping pills, so he never wakes up from this wonderful dream of a season.
** Cowboys WR Dez Bryant: No More Tears bath wash.
** Lions WR Calvin Johnson: About a dozen more competent teammates.
** Chiefs coach Andy Reid: A sandwich.
** Giants QB Eli Manning: A Dopey Dwarf mask, so he could look less dopey. (What a dope.)
** Patriots QB Tom Brady: A soul.
** Eagles coach Chip Kelly: His first win in Dallas Stadium, which would be his first against the Cowboys, which would be his first division title, which would be soooo awesome.
** Cowboys owner Jerry Jones: More puppy blood to drink

QB: Peyton Manning, 40.00 pts -- started by Dad
WR: Eric Decker, 30.73 pts -- started by Jim
RB: LeSean McCoy, 33.23 pts -- started by Jo
TE: Julius Thomas, 17.20 pts -- started by Sam
K: Josh Brown, 15.00 pts -- started by Joel
DEF: New England, 30.00 pts -- on Mike’s bench
D: Vincent Rey, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Yeah, yeah -- Peyton is great. On Sunday he broke the NFL single-season record for TD passes (51), and he’s just 265 yards shy of the season record for that too. But crazier is the gap between him and second place, QB Drew Brees. The Saints’ signal caller has 16 fewer TDs on the year, 430 fewer passing yards, and 97 fewer fantasy pts. That’s a ridiculous gap. For comparison, Bears QB Jay Cutler (who has battled injuries) only has 17 TDs on the year.

It’s a historic season for Manning, and one that surely will be marked by another disappointing playoff exit. In the last 29 years, the AFC’s #1 seed has only won the Super Bowl twice.

“Getting defensive” edition
2nd place (tie): Minnesota, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place (tie): Chicago, -2.00 pts -- started by Joanner
1st place: Houston, -5.00 pts -- on Joel’s bench

Houston’s defense has among the worst fantasy stats of the year (5.9 pts a week) but the Minnesota defense is currently the worst of the lot. They’ve posted just 81 pts on the year (5.4 pts a week) and 18 of those came on kick return TDs.

Chicago’s poor showing this week probably has something to do with those 54 points they surrendered to the Eagles on Sunday night. Probably.

On the local DC Monday morning radio show, analyst Kevin Sheehan tried to nail down what Maryland Racial Slurs QB Kirk Cousins was missing on the final drive of Sunday’s loss to the Cowboys. His conclusion:

“The last four plays, they needed a playmaker to make some plays, and he didn’t.”

If only their first-string starter, Robert Griffin, was in play, then maybe he could have played playmaker for a few plays.

One week left, but still plenty of football left to watch and ponder. Consider:

** Will the Rams get the #1 draft pick?
-- The Texans, at 2-13, have the worst record in the league. But if they beat the Titans on Sunday, and the Racial Slurs lose again, the Maryland squad gets the top pick … except they already gave it to the Rams in the Robert Griffin trade. With their own 7-8 record, they could have two top-10 picks.

** Can the Cardinals win 11 games and miss the playoffs?
-- It’s only happened twice before, and both times in the AFC. But, thanks to key tiebreakers, if both the Cardinals and Saints win, Arizona will have their highest regular season win total and no post-season to show for it.

** Can the Packers or Vikings get a tie?
-- No team has posted two ties in a season since the NFL added overtime, but Green Bay and Minnesota have a chance to do so this season. FYI, if the Bears and Packers tie in that winner-take-all NFC North game, Chicago heads to the post-season.

** Can every AFC wild-card hopeful miss the playoffs?
-- Simply put, none of the contenders control their own destiny, thanks again to tiebreakers. Dolphins need a win and a Ravens or Chargers loss. The Chargers need a win and a Baltimore and Dolphines loss. The Ravens need a win and a Dolphins or Chargers loss. And if all three lose, the Steelers can win and get in the playoffs. All this to lose to the Bengals in the first round…


Early indications are that Cowboys superstar QB Tony Romo won’t be available to play in Sunday’s winner-take-all game because of his chronic sucking … I mean back pain, his chronic back pain. In his place will be the only other QB on the Dallas roster for most of the year, 10-year pro Kyle Orton, who has only 12 completions over the last two years (but 1 TD pass!). How will this turn out? I think we all know the answer…

Kyle Orton’s emergency start in Dallas
** No entry, no mercy. Eagles kill sad tarts

FYI, this is the third year in a row that the Cowboys head into week 17 with a playoff spot on the line. In 2011, they lost to the New Jersey Giants and missed the post-season. In 2012, they lost to the Maryland team and missed the post-season. This year…?

** Picked up two more games on Dad this week, which leaves me down a touchdown again with just a week left. If I score, I’m going for two.

** NBC made sure to mention that Eagles fans once booed Santa Claus during the game on Sunday. One night later, ESPN made sure to mention that there was an earthquake in San Francisco in 1988, just before a baseball game was supposed to start. So, just remember that it’s nothing personal. These producers are just idiots, and they can only remember one thing about a city.

** FYI, the trade deadline for this league was four weeks ago. If your plan was to get a last-minute move to propel your squad to victory, you’re worse at end-of-game strategy than Andy Reid.

Week 16 standings

1 -- the american way (Sam) -- 2467.87 pts
2 -- III-time Champion (Capt Awesome) -- 2310.03 pts
3 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 2231.98 pts
4 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 2226.11 pts
5 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 2195.42 pts
6 -- Gettin' Chippy (Joanner) -- 2019.92 pts
7 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 1971.98 pts
8 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 1969.02 pts
9 -- Cheatstrong (Mike) -- 1936.56 pts
10 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 1890.52 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 1680.05 pts

So you’re saying there’s a chance…

With one week left, my team is within 157 pts of Sam. If I hang up a 200 this week and his team only scores 40 combined … look, it could happen.

Meanwhile, less than 40 pts separates third place from fifth, which is important for draft position next year (maybe) and personal pride (almost certainly not). Anthony and Jim could still catch Joanna for the middle spot in the league, and Joel … well, someone has to be the Houston Texans in the final recap.

One week left, folks. Finish strong.