Fantasy football 2024 -- week 14 recap

On Monday, Disney+ simulcast the Bengals/Cowboys tilt but substituted Simpsons characters for key players and fans. The experiment was fairly weird and totally awesome, with jokes and references jammed into nearly every down.

This was actually the second animated simulcast that Disney+ has broadcast, after a similar Toy Story themed presentation last year. So that begs the question: What will next year’s special animated real-time football game be? Here are the likely contenders:

** Star Wars simulcast: Ever wanted to see Jedi against Stormtroopers in a football game? No? Too bad! There are hundreds of “use the force” jokes for every completion, incompletion and run up the middle. Bonus points for using Jawas as referees.

** Frozen simulcast: Packers vs. Vikings from the frozen tundra of … Arendelle. Every deep pass is accompanied by an ESPN host shrieking “let it go, let it go!”

** Marvel simulcast: The network won’t be able to resist turning the Chiefs into members of the Avengers, complete with a list of Patrick Mahomes’ “superpowers.” And if they schedule it against the Raiders, team owner Mark Davis kinda looks like Thanos already.

** Little Mermaid simulcast: Only works if it’s the Dolphins vs. the Seahawks. Otherwise no one wants to be part of that world.

** Wall-E simulcast: This would be long and boring without life in the booth. So, you know, a typical last-season NFC South game.

QB: Josh Allen, 57.88 pts — started by Dad
WR: Jordan Addison, 30.87 pts — started by me
RB: Zach Charbonnet, 32.83 pts — started by Jo
TE: George Kittle, 13.07 pts — started by Ant
K: Jason Sanders, 16.00 pts — started by me
DEF: San Francisco, 14.00 pts — started by Bob
D: Yetur Gross-Matos, 8.00 pts — on the wire

Vikings QB Sam Darnold threw five TD passes this week but missed out on his moment of glory atop the best performers list because of Allen.

Allen had an insane stat line on Sunday: 342 passing yds, 3 passing TDs, 82 rushing yds, 3 rushing TDs. His 57.88 fantasy points is the fourth best total since this league was founded, and I’m listing the rest here for the next time I need to remember those stats:

1 — Drew Brees, 60.54 pts, Nov. 2013 (7 passing TDs)
2 — Peyton Manning, 60.28 pts, Sept. 2013 (7 passing TDs)
3 — Nick Foles, 59.64 pts, Nov. 2013 (7 passing TDs)
4 — Josh Allen, 57.88 pts, Dec. 2024 (3 passing TDs, 3 rushing TDs)
5 — Mike Vick, 57.37 pts, Sept. 2010 (4 passing TDs, 2 rushing TDs)

But Allen does hold one distinction from the rest of that group — he LOST the game despite the gaudy stats. The Bills fell 42-44 to the Rams thanks to a defense that was worth -6.00 pts on the day. That means Buffalo had the best fantasy QB performance in league history and the worst possible defensive fantasy score on the same day. Just wild stuff.

Meanwhile, Addison had eight catches for 133 yds and three TDs, and his fellow Vikings wideout Justin Jefferson had another seven catches for 132 yds and two TDs (24.30 fantasy pts, good for #3 on the week among wideouts). If you started those two together, you would have gotten 55.17 fantasy points. That’s almost the same as one Josh Allen start.

One more note — with that game Allen vaulted himself in the QB fantasy standings for the year all the way up to … number two, because Lamar Jackson had the week off and is still 30 full fantasy points ahead of him.

“Names you know” edition

3rd place: Kadarius Toney, -0.62 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Cordarrelle Patterson, -1.33 pts — on the wire
1st place: Brandon Allen, -2.00 pts — on the wire

Best QB on the week: Allen. Worst QB on the week: Allen.

Brandon Allen had one pass attempt for the 49ers, and it was picked off by the Bears. Josh Allen had six TDs against the Rams. Josh Allen’s team lost. Brandon Allen’s team won. Football is weird.

Toney has only registered a fantasy score in three games this season, and two of them have been negative points. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, keep playing on the Browns.

 

** Just in case you haven’t been following the Boise State Broncos football team closely, start RB Ashton Jeanty rushed for 209 yds in Saturday's Mountain West title game, giving him 2,497 yds for the season. That’s good enough for fourth-best all time in college football, just 131 yds behind Barry Sanders record of 2,628 set in 1998.

Jeanty could pass Sanders in the Broncos college football playoff game later this month, a situation that seems unfair, since Sanders didn’t get to pad his total with any post-season games. Well, actually he did, rushing for 222 yds in a bowl game, but the NCAA doesn’t consider stats collected in bowl games towards single-season records.

Well, actually they do, but only for bowl games that happened after 2002. Why? Because. So Jeanty can add to his season totals with any playoff games but Sanders’ total is locked because it happened before LeBron James played his first NBA game, which is the standard dividing line for all college football stats.

If we’re gonna have this arbitrary nonsense with college football stats, then I’m not recognizing Notre Dame as ever being the top team in the country. After all, none of those championships came after 2002.

** On Sirius NFL Radio, former NFL coach Bill Belichick was asked about what he saw with the Patriots team this year.

“They only have three wins this year,” he said. “It’s hard to watch. There’s nothing I can do about it, of course, but it’s hard.”

From the tone of his voice, you could tell that Belichick meant his “of course” to remind folks that he is no longer the coach of the Patriots, so of course he can’t fix it. Funny thing is, he was the coach of the Patriots last year, and they went 4-13. So, even if he were still the coach, it’s pretty clear he couldn’t fix it then either.

** The Chiefs clinched their 9th straight division title on Sunday night with a win over the Chargers that came on a last-play field goal which bounced off the upright but over the crossbar for three points. As the refs signaled success, announcer Mike Tirico exclaimed “it’s a doink for the division!” Decent turn of phrase on the spot by him.

Three minutes later, NBC sideline reporter Melissa Stark interviewed QB Patrick Mahomes about the improbable win. “It’s already being called ‘the doink for the division!’ What do you think of that?”

Hold on, it’s “already” being called that because your team just said it. It wasn’t a trending topic, it was something you all invented. Sure, social media started quoting Tirico, but that was way later, like 10 minutes after the fact.

Mahomes called the moment “amazing.” And then Stark informed him that some people were already calling it an amazing ending. Probably. I dunno, Joanna was shouting at the TV after it all happened, so it was hard to hear.
 

One person in America was sweating out those final few minutes of the Eagles win on Sunday than any Philly fan: An unnamed gambler put down $3.1 million on the birds to beat the Panthers and nearly saw that small fortune go up in smoke. The odds on the bet were terrible, netting him $442,000 and potentially costing him almost eight times that amount.

Hopefully, this compulsive bettor has learned his or her lesson. But if not, here are some better ways to spend that $3.1 million for next time:

— Employ Zack Baun and Nakobe Dean for one year. The two Eagles linebackers’ compensation for 2024 is $3.02 million. They could probably earn you a few bucks carrying things and shoveling snow.

— Buy 13 Super Bowl rings. The most expensive sold to date was Lawrence Taylor’s Super Bowl XXV ring, which went for $230K. With some savvy negotiating, you might be able to get as many as 15.

— Get 10,000 shares of Packer stock. The last sale, in 2022, had shares going for $300 each. In 2011, the shares cost $250 each. That’s a solid growth investment.

— Rent a suite at Lincoln Financial Field through 2085. The most expensive luxury boxes for Eagles home games run $45,000 a year right now. Scalp some tickets to those seats to turn a profit.

— Don’t bet on the Eagles. The team is 22-9 in real life over the last two years but 15-14-2 against the betting spreads in that same frame. If the odds are basically a coin flip, maybe resist the temptation to wager more than $3 million on tails.

Among the worst sins of the Cowboys franchise this year is not only their insatiable appetite for evil, but also their generally boring nature. True, watching them lose is fun, but in general the team has felt rather ordinary and unexciting. And that’s no surprise, when you start to see a common theme hidden in several of their players’ names:

Dallas Cowboys LB Buddy Johnson
** Jowly, bad, bland nobody. Such loss.

Dallas Cowboys Rookie TE Brevyn Spann-Ford
** A very bland player. Two socks, no friends. Boo.

Dallas Cowboys DE Marshawn Kneeland
** Bland man, lacks lady, needs a shower. Ow.

Remember, kids — I’ve you’re going to be full of spite and malice, at least be interesting about it.

** Once again, Dad and I split our picks this week, leaving me up one for the season. We actually independently selected all the same winners ahead of Sunday’s game, then forced each other to change one contest. And we both lost the ones we chose, which meant we were right the first time. On the season, I’m a ridiculous 146-62 picking winners (70.2% right) while Dad is a pedestrian 145-63 (30.3% incorrect).

** NFL teams have scored 30 or more points in games 97 times this season. Their combined record in those games is 87-10. The Bengals have done it six times, and their record in those games is 2-4. That’s just an amazing level of pain for their fans.

** The Eagles can clinch the NFC East with a win next week against the Steelers and a loss by the Commanders to the Saints. They can clinch at least the #2 overall seed with a win, a Commanders’ loss and a Seahawks’ loss to the Packers. And they can clinch the #1 overall seed next week with those three things and the Lions being teleported to Mars by belligerent aliens gambling on Earth sports.

Week 14 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1739.74 pts
2 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 1723.53 pts
3 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1699.49 pts
4 — Kodos for President (Jo), 1668.18 pts
5 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 1624.63 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1612.70 pts
7 — Jabronis (Ant), 1605.10 pts
8 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1573.08 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1556.54 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1413.00 pts
11 — They Certainly Are Dwarves (Paul), 1235.77 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1163.69 pts

It’s a race again. Both Mike and I topped 150 pts this week, pulling to within striking distance of Jonathan’s reign of terror atop the standings. Dad just missed 150 pts but pulled himself from 8th place to fifth, 115 pts out of the top spot. Jo almost hit 130 pts, fell on spot in the standings but picked up 15 points on the leader.

And Jonathan? He still scored 115.62 pts with his MVP QB on a bye, but the good-not-great week puts some concerns in his quest for a repeat. With four fantasy weeks left, he is catchable.

Well, catchable if your team is within about 150 pts. Everyone below the seven spot is likely just playing for pride. To play off Paul, your teams may be fighters, but they are not giants.

No byes this week, but there are two Monday night games, and neither one will feature Simpsons characters. So sad. Try to push past the heartbreak and set those rosters early.