Fantasy football 2023 -- week 16 recap

Gather round, friends

For a story of Christmas
Which over the years
Has become quite a mess

Our sad tale begins
Back in 1-9-6-8
When the NFL season
Was not going great

The Birds’ record was bad
The fans shared their boos
And the team’s home finale
Brought just more bad news

Another sad turnover
Just at the half
Left the Philly crowd
With nary a laugh

As the team hit the locker
Out came the floor show
Would they boost the fans’ spirits?
With this lineup, no.

For amid the performers
Was a sinister creep
Who entered fans' houses
While they were asleep

Is it normal for men
To steal cookies and milk?
To climb through the chimney?
To wear a red suit of silk?

His dead eyes ablaze
And a wind hard ablow
He ran on the field
To spread his weird woe

So what could the fans do
To stop his crazed folly
They scooped up some snow
And let loose a volley

Their shower of snowballs
Stopped Santa fraud
And the good folks of Philly
All stood to applaud

But was their deed lauded
By the world all about?
Of course not, you know
Beyond a shadow of doubt

Their bravery was twisted
By sick, rival fans
Who spread wicked lies
Across all the land

“They tried to hurt Santa!”
The story became
And year after year
The falsehood remained

This Christmas remember
The heroes of Philly
And the brave deeds they did
Just ignore all the silly.

When folks ask if you
Back the birds, just say yes.
And proudly proclaim
E-A-G-L-E-S.

QB: Derek Carr, 30.96 pts — on Mike’s bench
WR: Amari Cooper, 37.17 pts — started by Sam
RB: Breece Hall, 33.90 pts — started by Bob
TE: Chigoziem Okonkwo, 13.20 pts — started by Ant
K: Jason Sanders, 22.00 pts — started by Mike
DEF: Las Vegas, 22.00 pts — on the wire
D: Adoree' Jackson, 11.00 pts — on the wire

The Raiders defense scored 14 points in the team’s 20-14 win over the Chiefs this week. That means their offense failed to score a TD for the second time in the last three weeks, and they are 2-1 over that stretch. The NFL continues to make zero sense.

Cooper, who has had four different QBs starting for his team this season, had a six-game stretch in November/December where he totaled 398 yds and one TD. Over his last two games, he has 374 yds and three TDs, including his 265 yds on Sunday to eliminate me from one of my paid fantasy leagues. I guess I should have figured he’d take off as soon as he had 87-year-old Joe Flacco throwing to him..

Breece Hall’s fantasy season so far: Three games over 22 fantasy pts, three games under 3.5 fantasy points. Just buckle up and hope you get lucky when you need him, I guess.


“Incompetent players” edition

4th place: Boston Scott, -1.40 pts — on the wire
3rd place: Case Keenum, -1.52 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Sam Howell, -1.76 pts — on Mom D’s bench
1st place: Deonte Harty, -1.78 pts — on the wire

It’s really, really hard to end up in negative fantasy points territory as a starting QB. Both Howell and Keenum outdid themselves, each passing for fewer than 70 yds and throwing a pair of picks. Of course, Keenum was a last-minute fill-in to cover for an injured CJ Stroud. Howell? The Commanders have advertised him as the future of their franchise. His last five starts have resulted in an average of 168 yds a game passing with two TDs and eight INTs. Might want to re-evaluate the future.

Boston Scott is so bad that he can’t even find a way to fail right. I had to add another place to my biggest losers list just to include him here.


** Speaking of that awful Commanders game, the folks on ESPN radio in their pregame show previewed it as one of the toughest games of the year to watch, given that both the Jets and Commanders had already been eliminated from the playoffs. They turned to former coach Tony Dungy just before kickoff for “reasons to watch” the contest, and he did not disappoint.

“Well, one of these teams has to win,” he said. “I mean, unless they tie. Then I guess they don’t.”

Truly, that’s the kind of insight you can only get from someone who has been on the sidelines before.

** In Monday’s matchup between the Nuggets and Warriors, F Nikola Jokic went 18-18 from the free-throw line in his team’s 120-114 victory. According to ESPN, that’s “an NBA record for free throw made in a game without a miss on Christmas.”

No, it’s not. That is not a record. Shots made on Christmas is not something that the NBA or anyone in their right mind keeps track of. Records are things like “points in a game” or “wins in a season” and not “most free throws without a miss made by a player whose last name starts with J on a winter holiday.”

FYI, this week I tied the record for blogs posted on this website on the day after Christmas, with one.

** I thought there was not a Monday night game this week, but there is. It’s just on Saturday. The Cowboys/Lions game will be a Monday Night Football special on Saturday night with no actual Monday Night game on Monday and that will never, ever not be stupid.

The Lions clinched the NFC North title this week, the first time they’ve won the division since it was reconstituted and their first division title of any sort since 1993. Here’s a quick look at exactly how long ago that was:

** Only four players on their current roster were born the last time the Lions won their division. The oldest one, Long Snapper Jake McQuaide, was in kindergarten.

** The Houston Texans, Jacksonville Jaguars, Baltimore Ravens and Carolina Panthers did not exist yet.

** QB Peyton Manning had not played a single down of college football yet.

** OJ Simpson was still a commentator for NBC.

** The Dallas Cowboys won the Super Bowl and were still a relevant franchise.

Even Cowboys players, as evil as they are, aren’t immune from the Christmas spirit. They just manifest it in different, horrible ways. Just look at the freakish, festive messages their names spell out:

Dallas Cornerback Noah Igbinoghene
** Ho, ho, be nice or gangs call and break in

Dallas Cornerback Nahshon Wright
** Ho, ho, Santa chews garland. Brr, clink!

Cowboys Defensive Lineman Johnathan Hankins
** Ho ho I beat janky snowmen, elves, fans in hind can
.
Make sure to leave an extra cookie out for Santa Cowboy next Christmas Eve. And then remember to eat it before you go to bed, because you do not want Jerry Jones in a red suit breaking into your house at night.

** During the Georgia Tech/UCF bowl game, a fan in the stands was shown with a shirt that read “I just hope both teams have fun” and honestly that’s the best explanation for why there are 200 college bowl games.

** Great week for Dad, who went 4-2 in our weekly picks (cutting his deficit to 12 for the year) and soundly thumped me in the Garrity family league. Once again, I outscored every team except for the one I was playing, and that’s why I’ll end up without the championship trophy.

** I’m just saying, if ESPN.com decided to make the teaser on the Philly game “Hurts scores a Christmas TD in Eagles win” on its website, they should be obligated to make the next headline “Pacheco suffers a Christmas concussion in Chiefs loss” and not omit the holiday from that one.


Week 16 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1990.00 pts
2 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1963.84 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Pop), 1938.37 pts
4 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1900.34 pts
5 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt Awesome), 1889.45 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1825.49 pts
7 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1811.93 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1762.78 pts
9 — The Muppets Fantasy Football (Paul), 1669.77 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1561.65 pts
11 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1549.60 pts
12 — Jabronis (Ant), 1527.13 pts

Jonathan maintains his hold on first place, but his grandmother is lurking close behind. With two weeks left, it may be hard for anyone else to catch those two and challenge for the title, but that’s why we play the games.

I’d watch the Muppets Fantasy Football movie, but not Paul’s team — he’s mired in 9th place, and could still be caught by Jeff if his hot streak continues. Ant needs to rally to stay out of the basement. And Bob is caught in 8th, which is an improvement over last year and respectable for his dedication.

All of the actual Monday night football games are done for the season, but we still have a Thursday night game somehow? And there is a late game on New Year’s Eve. The NFL needs you to watch up to the very, very end of the year, I guess. Just keep an eye on those rosters.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 15 recap

You may think that your Christmas tree is already trimmed and decorated, but here are a few last-minute NFL additions that will make your house merry and bright:

** Josh Allen ornament, $15.95
The best part isn’t the “OH MY JOSH” phrase that every Christmas tree needs. It’s the fact that the Bills signal caller is looking down, so you can’t even see his face.

** Football helmet ornament, $12.99
The helmet comes with the phrase “can tackle anything” and can be customized with any team logo you want except for the Carolina Panthers, for obvious reasons.

** Patrick Mahomes ornament, $13.95
When it comes to Christmas decorations, all of us should go big or Mahomes, as the ornament says.

** Michael Oher ornament, $7.80
Sadly, the former offensive lineman does not get any royalties for sales of these decorations.

** Bouncing buddy Patriots ornament, $15.91
It’s the perfect gift for any NFL fan, since it shows a nameless, faceless New England player and no one in America can name anyone on the shell of a team anymore.

** Troy Aikman 1996 keepsake ornament, $24.89
Hang this by your stockings to remember the last time the Cowboys were relevant in the playoffs.

QB: Jared Goff, 41.12 pts — started by Jo
WR: Jordan Addison, 22.40 pts — started by Sam
RB: Christian McCaffrey, 36.80 pts — started by Jonathan
TE: Sam LaPorta, 24.23 pts — started by Mom D
K: Ka'imi Fairbairn, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Miami, 29.00 pts — started by Jonathan
D: Bradley Chubb, 14.50 pts — on the wire

49ers QB Brock Purdy this week said that McCaffrey should be getting more consideration in the MVP race, and it’s hard to argue against him. He’s leading the league in rushing by more than 300 yds, tied for the league lead in total TDs with 20, and has the most receiving yards among all RBs. He’s the #5 overall fantasy player and 70 points ahead of the next closest non-QB. And he’s seventh in the current MVP gambling odds, behind his own QB.

Hope every Jared Goff fantasy owner is having fun on that roller coaster. He’s the seventh best passer over the last four weeks, but it’s all fits and starts: 22.18 pts, 20.32 pts, 6.44 pts, 41.12 pts. The Lions are 2-2 over that stretch with a blowout win over the Broncos and a blowout loss to the Bears. This team could win the NFC championship or lose in the first round to a 9-8 team.

“Jets QBs” edition

3rd place: Aaron Rodgers, 0.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Zach Wilson, -0.96 pts — on Jeff’s bench
1st place: Trevor Siemian, -1.60 pts — on the wire

It’s never a good day when the best QB on your roster is the one on injured reserve, but it has been that kind of year for the Jets.

Wilson, who is terrible and should not be in the NFL and still somehow beat the Eagles, on Sunday completed just four passes for 26 yards and fumbled before being knocked out of the game. His replacement, Siemian, managed three turnovers in three quarters of work, posting a QB rating of 32.9 (lower than the 39.6 rating you got sitting on your couch).

The 30-0 loss to the Dolphins mercifully killed whatever remaining playoff hopes the Jets had. The franchise has now missed the playoffs for 13 consecutive years, the longest active drought in the league. When they last played in the postseason, Eagles DT Fletcher Cox wasn’t even in the NFL yet, and now he’s talking about retirement.


** If you were wondering why there were three NFL games on Saturday, CBS Sports had an explanation for you:

“The primary reason is that college football is finally subsiding. Typically, NCAA games dominate the Saturday schedule, but now that we've reached a point where only select bowl games are on the broadcast slate, the NFL is free to fill the void with games of its own.”

Just to be clear, there were only SEVEN college bowl games on Saturday, so we really needed the NFL to give us something else to entertain us. What would we do with a mere 13 hours of college games to watch?

** Sports Illustrated this week named University of Colorado football coach Deion Sanders as their sportsman of the year. “In less than a year, Sanders has not only transformed a moribund football program, he also breathed fresh life into the campus and transformed a community.”

The Buffaloes were ranked as high as #17 in the country this year … before they started having to back that ranking up on the field. The team finished 4-8, last in their conference, and with a record worse than or equal to all but one of their last seven seasons. 

With those kinds of transformational skills, he’ll be back on the unemployment line in no time.

** After Sunday’s games were finished, the Eagles, 49ers and Cowboys all clinched playoff spots despite only one of those teams winning that day. When Dallas QB Dak Prescott was asked how it felt to be headed back to the postseason even though his team had just lost to the Bills, here was his response:

"I don't care, to be honest… we can check it off, but we've got other things to focus on. I've continued to tell you all in different times this is about us putting our best performances out each and every week, and today we simply didn't do that.”

If the Cowboys leaders don’t care about making the playoffs, it makes sense why they don’t stay in the postseason very long.

Since the Eagles are playing like jokes right now, here are actual football jokes you can use to liven up the room during their next inevitable meltdown:

How did the octopus do in the football game?
— He had ten-tackles! Which is better than any of the Eagles pathetic defenders.

Where do Eagles players dance?
— At a foot ball! And not in the end zone. They forgot how to get there.

What insect is the worst football player?
— The fumble-bee. He has almost as many turnovers as Jalen Hurts.

What is harder to catch the faster you run?
— Your breath. This isn’t a problem for the Eagles offense, since they never run at the right times.

What do NFL centers wear on their feet?
— Hiking shoes! Unless it’s Jason Kelce, then it’s “mystery false start penalty” shoes.

What’s the difference between the Eagles and a dollar bill?
— You can get four quarters out of a dollar bill! Also, a dollar bill won’t consistently collapse on third and long.

How many clowns does it take to change a light bulb?
— I dunno, let’s hand one to the Eagles coaches to find out.

All too often we look at a Cowboys player and assume we know what he’s all about: He’s mean, he’s rotten, he wants to eat kids. But sometimes it’s worth taking time to unpack the true evil inside. Consider Cowboys rookie Tyrus Wheat, whose name quickly and easily anagrams into a simple revelation of his personality:

Tyrus Wheat
** Watery tush

But is it enough to stop there? Is there more to be discovered if we look at the position he plays and the inner fiber of his being?

DE Tyrus Wheat
** Dusty weather

Of course, you could have said those things about Tyrus before he began playing for the Cowboys. What about now that he has joined the NFL squad? What do the letters in his name say about him today?

Dallas DE Tyrus Wheat
** Dastardly weasel hut

And, finally, when the entire player’s title is revealed, so is the true nature of his character.

Dallas Cowboys DE Tyrus Wheat
** Yo, we watched: Bro slays adults

Let this be a reminder not to judge a book by its cover. Don’t assume you’ll hate the story when, in fact, you end up really, really hating the story.

** Dad dropped another game in our weekly picks contest to fall down 14 for the year. But that doesn’t tell the whole story.

We had nine games different this week, and Dad lost the first four of the week, dropping him to minus-17 for the season. He then reeled off four straight wins against me — including getting the Dallas loss right — before ultimately dropping the Sunday night game. Still, an impressive turnaround. He needs to average four a week from here on out to claim the title. And if he’s down 17 going into the final week, it’s all over.

** Speaking of Dad, he and I face off in the Garrity Family League playoffs this week in a Christmas throwdown. Mom upset Shelly last week and plays her again in the first round. I averaged 29.4 points a week more than Mom this year, so I have no doubt she’ll win the championship in a blowout.

** The last time the Eagles beat the Seahawks, QB Donovan McNabb threw two TD passes and CB Lito Sheppard broke up two pass plays. So, it has been a while. Eight straight losses, to be exact.

 
Week 15 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1893.74 pts
2 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1847.44 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1828.91 pts
4 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1796.63 pts
5 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 1766.18 pts
6 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1693.62 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1678.91 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1639.78 pts
9 — Poetical Nonsense (Paul), 1558.80 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1471.42 pts
11 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1448.95 pts
12 — Jabronis (Ant), 1430.54 pts

Huge news in the standings — we have a new bottom dweller! Jeff’s solid week coupled with a dismal performance by Ant (only two players in double digits) drop him to the caboose slot in the league train. Ant also missed out on 30 pts on his bench, which would have been more than enough to keep him out of last. With just three weeks left in the season, he’s in danger of being left behind in 2023 while the rest of us move on to bigger and better things.

At the other end, Jonathan’s huge week (161.69 pts) gives him a suddenly sizable cushion heading into the holiday blitz. For perspective, Dad — whose name is a constant taunt and lie at this point — scored 120.43 points and fell behind by 40 in the standings. Still, our top four are all within 100 points, a not-insurmountable total for a three-week stretch.

Sunday is Christmas Eve, Monday is Christmas, and every day is a day that the NFL wants to jam its product down your throat. There are games on Thursday, Monday, Saturday, and maybe even Sunday too. Check and get those rosters in gear.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 14 recap

How the Eagles can still miss the playoffs:

** The Eagles lose the rest of their games. Given that their defense is complete garbage and their offense forgot how to score points, this is a realistic possibility.

** The Cowboys win at least one more game.

** The Packers win their last four games (Bucs, Panthers, Vikings and Bears).

** The Rams win their last four games (Commanders, Saints, Giants and a 49ers team resting players in their final week).

** The Seahawks win their last four games (Eagles, Titans, Steelers and Cardinals).

Then the Eagles, at 10-7, will be in eighth place in the NFC, and sitting at home for the first round of the playoffs.

Of course, the way they are playing, they could win one game, make the playoffs and then bomb out in the first round. So they should be resting at home in mid-January either way.

QB: Lamar Jackson, 37.64 pts — started by me
WR: Deebo Samuel, 26.37 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Raheem Mostert, 22.37 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Evan Engram, 24.33 pts — started by Bob
K: Brandon Aubrey, 22.00 pts — started by Sam
DEF: Minnesota, 25.00 pts — on the wire
D: Ronnie Harrison Jr., 10.00 pts — on the wire

For the record, Cincinnati QB Jake Browning was the third best fantasy QB on the week, and he was on my bench. Falcons QB Desmond Ridder was the fourth best QB in fantasy on the week, and he may not even be the fourth-best QB on his own team. Weird, weird week.

How weird, you ask? There were zero WRs with two or more TDs this week. But there were three TEs with two end zone grabs: Engram, David Njoku and Hunter Henry. There were no defenses that scored negative points — the first time that has happened all year — and four that scored exactly 15 pts (which feels like it means something but I don’t know what.)

Jalen Hurts, Jared Goff and Tua Tagovailoa all lost. Bailey Zappe and Tommy Devito won. The world is upside down.
“Eagles defense” edition

1st place: Philadelphia, 8.00 pts — started by Paul

It’s weird because the stat line reads as if the Eagles defense was worth some fantasy points but in reality the entire group was worthless. Utterly worthless.


** In case you missed it, the Cowboys were wearing their “color rush” uniforms on Sunday night. For most teams, the color rush outfits feature the team’s primary color in covering nearly all of the shirt, pants and helmets of players. For the Eagles, they’re all green. For the Vikings, they’re all purple. And for the Cowboys, they’re … all white. You know, the absence of color. The opposite of what a color “rush” would be.

I’m looking forward to next week, when Dallas shows off its throwback uniforms. They’re brand new.

** Cleaning up the house this weekend, I found Sport Illustrated’s pre-season predictions for the MLB season. Their pick for the World Series result? Yankees over Padres … two teams that missed the playoffs. The actual result? Rangers over the Diamondbacks … two teams they did not pick for the playoffs.

In their defense, though, they did accurately predict four of the twelve teams to make the playoffs. And in baseball, a .333 batting average is very, very good.

** On ESPN’s fantasy football landing page, when you go to check scores, the site displays a message that the game statistics are “presented ad-free after a word from our sponsor.” At which point they show a short ad. Because words have no meaning.

MLB star Shohei Ohtani signed a 10-year, $700-million contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers this week, breaking the previous high for a free-agent baseball deal by more than $250 million. and that’s not even the most insane part of the story. Because Ohtani pulls in roughly $45 million in endorsement annually and wants the Dodgers to keep spending to make the team around him better, he is deferring $680 million of that contract until 2034, giving the team financial flexibility for the next decade.

All this begs the question — what could Ohanti buy with that $680 million he doesn’t need? Here are a few items of note:

** The Columbus Blue Jackets: Valued at $600 million, Ohanti could become an NHL owner and still have almost $100 million cash on hand.

** Eight years of OF Bryce Harper, SS Trea Turner and P Aaron Nola: Harper has $196 million left on his contract, Turner is due about $219 million through 2031, and Nola just signed a seven-year, $172 million deal. There’s still $93 million left after that, which is probably enough to put a couple of guys around them too.

** 104.6 million Dodger Dogs: That’s one free hot dog for every fan who buys a ticket to any home game for the next 27 years.

** The 15 highest paid players in the NFL this year: That list somehow includes QB Aaron Rodgers ($37.5 million in 2023) but not WR Tyreek Hill (a mere $30 million salary, 18th in the league).

** Almost the entire Japanese Nippon Professional Baseball league: Eleven of the 12 teams combined have a value of $608 million. The 12th, the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks, have a value of about $700 million all alone.

** About one-ninth of SoFi Stadium: The home of two LA NFL teams cost $5.5 billion to build.

The public report out of Cowboys camp this week was that Coach Mike McCarthy had to miss several days of practice for an emergency appendectomy, a procedure that threatened to make him miss Sunday’s game. So it was a surprise to some when he was on the sidelines for the contest, ready to handle game-day duties. Of course, the real story is that there was no appendectomy, and the procedure was actually a mandated medical procedure that all Cowboys staffers go through. And, naturally, they hid the truth in plain sight, in the letters of their cover story:

Dallas Coach Mike McCarthy’s recent appendix surgery
** Lance men extracted his grimy, cracked soul. Happy scar!

Fun fact: It’s actually very difficult for Dallas staffers to coach with any piece of a soul in them, because it offers a reminder of all the evil they are committing.


** Dad and I split our picks again this week, leaving me up 13 for the season with just four weeks left to go. He can still come back, I think. Scoring 14 in the final quarter is the kind of thing players from Philly used to do but I don’t know if it’s possible anymore.

** Sunday’s 3-0 win by the Vikings over the Raiders was the first game in 16 years to total fewer than four points of offense and only the seventh time in the Super Bowl era that a game has ended with that little scoring. And in the standings, it counts the same as the Dolphins 70-20 win over the Broncos. Life can be unfair.

** I did make the playoffs in one of my pay fantasy leagues, thanks for asking.


Week 14 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1732.05 pts
2 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1728.64 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1708.48 pts
4 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1680.10 pts
5 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 1623.95 pts
6 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1578.23 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1574.67 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1556.11 pts
9 — Misguided Optimism (Paul), 1472.19 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1378.80 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 1354.47 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1339.88 pts

Last week, Jonathan held onto the top spot by fewer than five points. This week, he’s up by less than four, but we’ve got a completely different silver medal squad. Mom D jumped from fourth to second thanks to a 143.38 points performance (second only to Bob’s 149.50 point outburst) and is looming just behind our youngest coach. And Justin Herbert’s injury leaves Jonathan without a reliable QB, making the stretch run to the championship a tall task.

Dad is lurking not far behind, and Jo’s squad took a huge tumble (only 65 points this week, and 24 came from her kicker and defense!). Don’t sleep on the Brotherly Shove Squad — I’ve been slowly inching my way up the charts and can grab that top spot as long as we have about 20 weeks left in the season.

Paul’s misguided optimism has him giving a respectable showing this season, and I’m pretty sure Ant and Jeff got lost at sea. But all hope is not gone yet. There are still four weeks left in the season. The bye weeks are all done, and the championship push starts with a Thursday game and three Saturday games because the NFL DOES NOT CARE whether you have other plans. Just get your rosters set before you head out Christmas shopping.

Fantasy football 2023 -- week 13 recap

Following Sunday’s embarrassing loss to the 49ers, the Eagles front office scrambled to find free agent help to plug some of the glaring holes in their squad. That led to signing LB Shaquille Leonard and talks with TE Zach Ertz, but the team must do more if they’re serious about making a championship run. Here’s a few other names to consider:

** CB Marcus Peters: The former Raiders defensive back has playoff experience and could give valuable depth to a Philadelphia secondary constantly struggling with injuries.

** DE JJ Watt: I know he retired last year, but are we sure he’s done? The 34-year-old’s brother (TJ Watt) is just five years younger and has 14 sacks on the season. JJ is probably good for four or five key sacks down the stretch.

** WR Julio Jones: The former All-Pro receiver could serve as a big red zone target for QB Jalen Hurts. There were rumors the Eagles signed him weeks ago, but there have been no public sightings of him since Thanksgiving.

** RB Kenyan Drake: The eight-year pro has played for five different teams and looked pretty worn down in his last action with the Ravens. But even if he can just barely walk, he’s an upgrade over RB Boston Scott.

** OF Shohei Ohtani: Does he play football? It’s unclear. The guy can pitch and hit and do everything else in baseball, so maybe he could also give the Eagles a boost. He’s 6-4 and 209 lbs, about the same size as CB James Bradberry.

** QB Nick Foles: I’m just saying, The Eagles have never won a Super Bowl without him on the roster.

QB: Brock Purdy, 37.46 pts — on Sam’s bench
WR: Deebo Samuel, 31.13 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Joe Mixon, 25.07 pts — started by Jeff
TE: Sam LaPorta, 19.83 pts — started by Mom D
K: Brandon Aubrey, 15.00 pts — started by Sam
DEF: LA Chargers, 22.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Andrew Van Ginkel, 11.00 pts — on the wire

Great. A whole bunch of 49ers and Cowboys up there.

The Chargers defense dominated the Patriots on Sunday, collecting five sacks and a fumble recovery while shutting out the inept New England offense. And that’s great news for LA, because their offense was almost equally bad: They kicked two FGs in the second quarter and won the game 6-0. It’s only the 19th time since 1966 that a game has ended with fewer than seven combined points, and the first time it has happened since 2018. The game had more than twice as many punts (13) as points. For some reason, all fans who bought seats for the pathetic display were not immediately offered refunds.

Somehow I’ve only made fun of Andrew Van Ginkel’s name on the blog one time before, and that was three years ago. I’ll have to fix that in a future posting.

“Defensive” edition

3rd place: (tie) Cleveland, -3.00 pts — started by Mom D
3rd place: (tie) Dallas, -3.00 pts — started by Sam
2nd place: Philadelphia, -4.00 pts — started by Paul
1st place: Maryland, -6.00 pts — on the wire

Welcome to the NFC East, where the best defense of the week belonged to the Giants, who were on a bye. The other three teams combined for 111 pts allowed, three sacks and one turnover.

Six defenses scored in negative points this week, and Mom D had two of them. Too bad she didn’t have the insight to start the Saints instead of the Browns, she would have only scored -2.00 pts with them. Some weeks you just can’t win.


** During Thursday night’s game between the Seahawks and Cowboys, every time a short yardage play came up, analyst Kirk Herbstreit made a reference to the Eagles unstoppable one-yard rush package. You know, the one where they push the QB forward for a first down or TD. The one everyone has talked about all season long.

That’s right, the “push tush,” as Herbstreit called it FOUR SEPARATE TIMES in the game.

I get it, it’s easy to reverse those two terms … if you haven’t been watching any pro football this season. Which, if you’ve heard any of Herbstreit’s commentary this year, may be the case.

** During halftime of the Pac-12 Championship game, studio analyst Booger McFarland was extolling the offensive line play of Washington and highlighted one play where the blockers drove the defenders 10 yards downfield.

“Look at the running back pushing his man across the field too,” he exclaimed. “You think this game doesn’t mean a lot? Don’t tell them that. These guys are hustling.”

I did mention this was the Pac-12 championship game? You know, a contest where zero individuals involved believed “this game doesn’t mean a lot.” I watched a little of the second half just to make sure, and when Oregon lost, their coach did not say he was happy to miss out on a playoff appearance and finish second in the league title race.

** From the Washington Post on Monday: “The Saints lost QB Derek Carr in the fourth quarter to back, shoulder and head injuries after he was hit by DL Bruce Irvin as he released a pass … Saints Coach Dennis Allen called the injuries ‘concerning.’”

Slow down with the hyperbole there, coach. Only the top third of his body is injured. If everything waist up was damaged, then that would be worth raising an eyebrow over.
 

It’s that time of year again — college football bowl season, where words and sponsorships lose all meaning. Can you identify which of these are real bowl games and which are AI-generated fakes?

 

Cricket Celebration Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Pop Tarts Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Roofclaim.com Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Wasabi Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Starco Brands LA Bowl hosted by Gronk
Real bowl Fake dish

Great American Waffle Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Avacados from Mexico Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

GoBowling.com Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Famous Toastery Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Guaranteed Rate Bowl
Real bowl Fake dish

Three of those 10 are fakes.

The Wasabi Bowl isn’t a real thing. It’s actually the Wasabi Fenway Bowl. When you use the full name, it makes perfect sense. Same with the GoBowling.com Bowl — it’s actually the Military Bowl presented by GoBowling.com. Big difference there.

And the Great American Waffle Bowl was made up by AI. Honestly, it’s the most realistic sounding one on that list.

 
Cowboys S Juanyeh Thomas has been used sparingly in his first two years in the league, appearing mostly on special teams. And yet the Dallas front office has been high on the young player, calling him a key morale figure for the team’s culture. What do they see that the rest of us are missing? Just look at the letters in his name for the obvious answer:

Safety Juanyeh Thomas
** Ye fat humans hate joys

Insulting enemy fan bases? That’s standard trash talk. Insulting all of humanity? Only a true Cowboy can do that.

** Thanks to the Colts overtime victory, Dad dropped both of the picks we had different this week. I’m now up 13 with 13 weeks of football finished. Can Dad still come back? Sure. Can the Patriots still make the playoffs? Technically, yes. Are either of these likely scenarios? Well, we know New England can still cheat its way back into contention. Dad might have a tougher time.

** Delaware got annihilated by Montana in the second round of the FCS playoffs on Saturday, so college football is officially over for the year. Thanks for following along, you can stop now.

** WR DeSean Jackson retired as an Eagle this week and the craziest stat to come out of his departure was this: The speedy wideout during his career caught TD passes from Philly QBs Donovan McNabb, Kevin Kolb, Mike Vick, Nick Foles, Carson Wentz and Jalen Hurts. That seems impossible, since the McNabb years feel like more than five decades ago.



Week 13 standings

1 — The Best (Jonathan), 1620.18 pts
2 — Tight Ends for Everyone! (Jo), 1616.52 pts
3 — Jalen Ain't Failin (Dad), 1590.60 pts
4 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1585.26 pts
5 — Brotherly Shove Squad (Capt. Awesome), 1502.01 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1485.22 pts
7 — Standard Deviations (Sam), 1467.27 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1406.61 pts
9 — Electric Sheep (Paul), 1370.37 pts
10 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1284.68 pts
11 — Jabronis (Ant), 1273.40 pts
12 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1213.12 pts

With just five weeks left in the season, the top three spots in the Awesome Cup standings continue to be a game of musical chairs. Jonathan grabs the throne for now, but his lead is less than four points. A brutal week for Dad (85.24 pts, last place on the week) drops him back to third place, but he and Mom D both sit less than 40 points behind first.

Mike and I continue in vain to try and claw our way back into the upper echelon. Paul’s android dreams may be slowly dying. And at Jeff’s current scoring pace, he could catch Jonathan if Jonathan benches all his players for the rest of the season.

This week marks the final week of byes for the season, and if you’re relying heavily on Maryland or Arizona players, you’re already in deep trouble. But get your roster sorted out anyway.