Fantasy football 2016 -- week 16 recap

Here’s a quick look at everyone on Santa Claus’ naughty list this year:

** The Oakland Raiders: On the way to the #2 seed in the AFC and potentially a real run at the Super Bowl, Pro Bowl QB Derek Carr broke his leg on Saturday on a freak play. But don’t worry, because backup QB Matt McGloin has thrown 11 TDs and 11 INTs in his four-year career off the bench, so I’m sure they’ll still be fine against the best defenses in the league in January.

** Bengals K Randy Bullock: He missed what would have been a game-winning 43-yd FG on Saturday against the team that cut him last year, the Houston Texans. The Texans now head to the playoffs after winning their division. Bullock, who has played for five teams in the last five years, is likely looking for his next job.

** Vikings DBs: Minnesota coaches planned to have a cornerback shadow Packers WR Jordy Nelson for all of the game Saturday to limit his big-play ability. But the secondary got together and overrode the coaches, confident that CB Xavier Rhodes could handle him one-on-one. Nelson finished the first half with 100 receiving yds and 2 TDs in the first half, before a strategy switch was made.

** San Diego fans: In what could be the 55-year-old team’s final season in town, the Chargers managed to lose to the previously winless Browns on Saturday after a last-second FG attempt sailed wide. The team, which can finish no better than 6-10, has only appeared in one Super Bowl in its history (1994) and had its only AFL championship in 1963.

** St. Nick: There are 23 NFL players named Nick, and not a single one scored more than six fantasy pts this weekend. Of those, 14 saw their team lose too.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 45.18 pts -- started by Joanna
WR: Adam Thielen, 32.35 pts -- on Mom Doyle’s bench
RB: David Johnson, 30.23 pts -- started by Joel
TE: Travis Kelce, 22.17 pts -- started by Jim
K: Matt Bryant, 20.00 pts -- started by Joanna
DEF: New England, 20.00 pts -- started by Mike
D: Malcolm Jenkins, 14.00 pts -- started by Joanna

AAAAHHHHH so close again. To be honest, I have no idea who Adam Thielen is. Allegedly he’s at almost 1,000 receiving yds for the year and had 202 yds and two TDs on Saturday. But he has Sam Bradford throwing to him, so that can’t be right.

Rodgers has had six performances of more than 30 fantasy pts this year and four others above 25 pts, which is pretty good. His ratio of 36 TDs to 7 INTs is also pretty good. And if he can stretch his team’s five-game winning streak into six next week, the Packers will win the NFC North despite sitting at 4-6 in mid November. It’s almost as if he’s pretty good…


“Bad defense” edition

2nd place (tie): Detroit, -5.00 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
2nd place (tie): NY Jets, -5.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Chicago, -6.00 pts -- on the wire

The Bears turn in the worst defensive performance possible, allowing 41 pts against the Maryland Racial Slurs and recording no turnovers, sacks or signs of life.

On the other side of the ledger, the Slurs recorded a blocked kick, a sack and five INTs en route to a big win that could propel them into the playoffs. That accounted for almost a 25 percent increase in their turnover total for the year, and brought their yearly fantasy pts total to … five pts more than the Bears. Football ain’t fair sometimes.


** Rams interim coach John Fassel on Monday said that he is optimistic about his team’s chances in next week’s finale against the Cardinals, saying “we’re tough enough to be inspired” for one more week.

“Like we talked about last week, we’re all being evaluated and we’re playing for something,” he told reporters. “Not that we’re looking for the individual accolades in this last game, but there’s things out there that we can strive for that are important to us. So I’m sure the guys will do it.”

That is false. The team’s head coach was fired two weeks ago, the team just lost to the previously 1-13 49ers, and the team is 459 yds behind the second-to-worst offense in the NFL (the Browns). At 4-11, there is absolutely nothing to be “inspired” about.

** During Monday night football, ESPN’s humanoid shrieking alarm clock Chris Berman compared the Brown’s second-quarter blocked FG in their win on Saturday to LeBron James’ game-saving block in the waning seconds of the NBA finals because Chris Berman understands absolutely nothing about sports.

Sunday’s Eagles game against the Cowboys is meaningless in the standings for both teams, but could take on historic importance in the rivalry as the last appearance in a Dallas uniform by Tony Romo. The Cowboys’ Toy Moron has posted a 9-5 record against the Eagles over the last decade, but has also come up with some wonderfully memorable moments worth savoring one last time:

** Thanksgiving 2014: The Eagles travel to Dallas and thump the Cowboys on national television 33-10. Romo’s two interceptions and four sacks help sink the Dallas offense, as Philly QB Mark Sanchez proves to be the best passer on the field.

** Christmas Eve 2011: Both teams entered the game at 7-7, but Romo exited the game two passes in after breaking his hand on the helmet of DE Jason Babin. The Cowboys are not penalized despite the blatant assault, but lose 20-7 anyways.

** Halloween 2011: Earlier that same season, Romo offered a much better performance -- four sacks, one interception and no points until a TD pass halfway through the fourth quarter. Cowboys lose 34-7.

** Dec. 28, 2008: Likely Romo’s greatest performance in the rivalry. With the winner heading to the playoffs and the loser heading home, Romo tosses one interception and fumbles twice en route to an embarrassing 44-6 win. Both fumbles were returned for 70-plus-yds defensive scores.

** Dec. 16, 2007: One of Romo’s earliest late-season collapses. The Eagles managed only 10 points in this road game, but Romo’s three interceptions limited the Cowboys to only six points and an embarrassing loss.

It’s going to be weird watching Romo in a Broncos uniform next year, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still be able to root against him.

The Eagles win over the Giants Thursday night handed the division title to the hated Cowboys, which was the ultimate no-win situation. They now enter the post-season as the league’s top seed, making for at least one extra week of evil spreading into 2017. As if that wasn’t dire enough, just look what their season-long triumph portends:

Dallas clinches another NFC East title before Christmas
** The fires of hell amass, blast necrotic rant, scald the nice

Remember, you can’t spell Dallas without “all sad.” Merry Christmas, and may God have mercy on us all for allowing this.

** Annnnnd Dad does it again, picking up two more games in our weekly picks to pull within three entering the final week of the season. I was up nine with less than five weeks to go. This has all the makings of an absolutely classic collapse by me.

** But enough about my failures -- I won the Capitol Hill defense reporters league this week, thanks to ridiculous performances by QB Tyrod Taylor, RB David Johnson and WR Jordy Nelson. I was the top points getter all year but finished the regular season in second, then had to sweat out a divisional playoff game before trashing my opponent in the championship. My key to success -- no Eagles the whole year. Because I wanted to win.

** The NFL has 16 games slated all for Sunday and none of them are going to be as good as the two college football playoff games on Saturday night (Go Buckeyes!).

Week 16 standings

1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 2023.94 pts
2 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 1941.16 pts
3 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 1886.87 pts
4 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1873.13 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1814.88 pts
6 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 1742.29 pts
7 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 1731.76 pts
8 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 1718.49 pts
9 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 1704.61 pts
10 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 1692.40 pts
11 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 1654.71 pts
12 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1543.59 pts

Joel becomes the first team to break the 2000-pts mark, and seems all but certain to win the league. Anthony, who just a few weeks ago looked as if he could threaten Joel’s coronation, has drifted all the way down into fourth place after another dreadful performance.

I’m within striking distance of the top half of the standings, Mom Doyle could climb all the way into 10th with a good performance, and Bob informed me this week that he does in fact remember that he has a fantasy team. So, all good news.

ONE WEEK LEFT. But it’s the screwyist week of the year, with starters getting benched, rookies getting practice time and still somehow playoff spots being decided. So anything can happen until the Awesome Cup gets engraved a week from now.

Fantasy football 2016 -- week 15 recap

Here’s a look at the wish lists for a few of NFL teams’ GMs this Christmas season:

** Broncos: A new bobblehead Peyton Manning, to play QB the rest of the year.
** Giants: Earplugs, to help quiet Odell Beckham’s constant shrieking.
** Eagles: Glue sticks, to “repair” their wideouts’ gloves.
** Patriots: Scented candles, to cover up the smell of cheating.
** Cowboys: The souls of small children, for lunch.
** Ravens: Nothing. The Eagles handing them a win for free was already a great gift.
** Browns: A nuclear bomb, to “repair” their team.


QB: Drew Brees, 37.36 pts -- started by Paul
WR: Ty Montgomery, 30.41 pts -- started by Dad
RB: Devonta Freeman, 31.97 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Dion Sims, 16.07 pts -- on the wire
K: Chris Boswell, 23.50 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Miami, 26.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Calais Campbell, 14.00 pts -- on the wire

At least the wire had a good week.

So, technically Mike’s WR Brandin Cooks had the top score of the week (27.90 pts) because Montgomery is listed as a WR/RB and scored most of his points thanks to rushing TDs. But, I hate how Cooks spells his first name, so he gets dropped to also-ran status here.

Also, Chris Boswell: One 35-yard FG, five 40-plus-yds FGs and a tackle. Not a bad day for a kicker.


“Terrible, terrible people” edition

3rd place: Jordan Norwood, -1.60 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Brock Osweiler, -2.08 pts -- on the wire
1st place: San Francisco, -3.00 pts -- on the wire

Osweiler posted a 26.1 QB rating on Sunday (much worse than the 39.6 rating you set just by sitting on the couch) behind a two-interception, 48-yds dud of a performance that got him benched in the second quarter.

But your mediocre play from your couch barely cost a penny (unless you lost change in the cushions when you stood up.) Osweiler is costing the Texans $21 million this season, and has another $18 million in guaranteed money on his contract. And he got badly outplayed by a backup QB I’ve never heard of (Tom Savage, allegedly in his third year in the NFL and making $300K this season).

And despite that the Texans are tied for first in their division. Football is unfair.


** FYI, all the NFL games are screwed up next week. The main slate of games is scheduled for Christmas Eve (Saturday) with seven games scheduled for 1pm, four games set for 430 pm, and a Saturday night game. And there’s still a Thursday night game (Eagles/Giants, dammit) and a Monday night game.

And then there’s Sunday, where there should be a ton of normal games to watch after a relaxing Christmas morning. But instead, we only get two late game -- an 830pm showdown with the Broncos and the Chiefs and a 430pm contest between the Steelers and Ravens that is … you guessed it … a special Christmas edition of Thursday night football.

It’s only a matter of time before Thursday games that are particularly boring are going to be rebranded as a special Thursday editions inspired by the special holiday broadcast of regular Thursday night football excitement.

Remember: The NFL hates you, and makes it less appealing to watch every week, and you continue to watch.

** NFL.com has a story titled “Thirty-nine things we learned from Week 15” and I’ll let you know what it says when I finally get done reading that “Thirty-six things we learned from Week 11” that I started last month and still haven’t finished.

The Eagles lost their fifth game in a row on Sunday (and seventh of their last eight) right around the same time the Jacksonville Jaguars lost their ninth game in a row, prompting the late-season firing of coach Gus Bradley.

The 22-year-old Florida franchise, picked at the beginning of this season as a playoff threat, has been as dreadful to watch as the Browns over the last decade with none of the history or charm. Consider:

** The Jags haven’t had a winning season in nine years, and have one playoff victory in the last 17 seasons.

** The team has had back-to-back wins once in their last 49 games, and a 14-48 record under Bradley.

** The NFL assumes no one in Florida wants to see them play -- they’ve had a home game reassigned to London each of the last four years, and already have one for next year taken away too.

** That loss on Sunday that broke the coaching camel’s back? Yep, it came at the hands of the Texans and backup QB Tom Savage, who threw for 260 yds in two-plus quarters against the Jags furball defense. That’s more than twice the total passing yds he had in his career before Sunday.

Season ticket plans for the 2017 season start at $600. Catch the cat fever!

That sad noise you’re hearing in the distance is the inevitable end of the Cowboys Insult Anagrams for the season, with only a pair of weeks left after this one. Or, maybe it’s the sound of evil escaping from the Dallas offensive line. Consider all the different noises being made by lineman Ronald Lear’s name alone:

Guard Ronald Leary
** A dull roar, gray end
** A loud, dreary gnarl
** A lardy, ruled groan
** A drug yell, or a darn

I’m sure he’s growling too, but using the W in Cowboys to unveil that cacophony just seemed like too much.

** Whoa! Dad won three of four this week to cut my lead down to five games in our picks contest with two weeks left to go. For the second week in a row, I completely missed on a beatdown (Minnesota, keep losing! We want a better pick) and saw my faith in the Lions destroyed by Eli Manning. But I’m not nervous … yet.

** Thank you, Kirk Cousins! His crappy Monday night game put me in the championship round of my other league, guaranteeing me at least a $50 payout (and possibly much more). Now all I need is for Drew Brees, Antonio Brown and LeSean McCoy to suck this week.

Week 14 standings

1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 1894.56 pts
2 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 1813.88 pts
3 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1789.38pts
4 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 1744.39 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1717.34 pts
6 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 1663.87 pts
7 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 1615.51 pts
8 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 1593.00 pts
9 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 1590.40 pts
10 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 1558.34 pts
11 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 1503.76 pts
12 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1433.86 pts

A huge stumble by Ant’s team this week drops him from threatening first to gasping in third. Mike hops up to second, representing the only hope of stopping Joel this season, but it’s a faint hope. He now boasts an 80-plus pts lead and may be the only team this year to break the 2000-pts barrier. The trophy is already being shined...

Joanna remains stalled in fourth, Jeff in fifth, Sam in sixth. There’s a four-way dogfight for seventh-place, with my squad currently leading that pack of losers. And Mom Doyle and Bob seem pretty well stuck in their bottom posts.

Two weeks of excitement left. Will the Eagles/Giants Thursday night game decide your entire fantasy season? Will you even remember that’s when the game is being played?

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 14 recap

 

This weekend marks the most exciting time of the year: The first Saturday games of the NFL season. The league, which is totally not already overexposed, will feature an incredible slate of games to watch over five days for all your viewing excitement. Consider these tasty match-ups:

** Thursday night, Rams vs. Seahawks
Their last matchup was a 9-6 FG contest, but this time the Rams come in having just fired their head coach and a 15-point underdog. Must-see TV.

** Saturday night, Dolphins at Jets
An AFC match-up between a playoff hopeful who lost their QB to injury last week (Miami) and a four-win squad on their fourth QB of the year (New York).

** Sunday 1pm, eight games
Take your pick! Only two of the games feature a pair of teams with winning records, but maybe you’ll get lucky and get that exciting Browns/Bills contest instead.

** Sunday 4pm, four games
Three of these games (Patriots at Broncos, Oakland at San Diego, Saints at Cardinals) could be fun to watch. But you’ll only get to see one at the most, thanks to TV rules.

** Sunday night, Bucs at Cowboys
This is a great match-up between two NFC championship contenders. I’m surprised it’s on national TV. Maybe they’ll move it.

** Monday night, Panthers at Maryland Racial Slurs
Two division winners from 2015 square off to see if either can move out of third place this season.

And if that wasn't enough excitement, the college bowl season starts Saturday too, with the Raycom Media Camellia Bowl, the Las Vegas Bowl presented by Geico, and the AutoNation Cure Bowl. No, I did not make up any of those.

Be sure to check with your doctor to see how much consumption of football-like substance is hazardous to your health.

QB: Tom Brady, 32.14 pts -- started by Jeff
WR: Tyreek Hill, 20.58 pts -- started by Jo
RB: Le’Veon Bell, 47.73 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
TE: Tyler Eifert, 17.70 pts -- started by me
K: Nick Novak, 19.00 pts -- started by Ant
DEF: Atlanta, 28.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Vic Beasley Jr., 17.50 pts -- started by Mom Doyle

Arrrggggghhhh we were that close. Stupid Hotlanta.

(In fairness, we weren’t that close. Of the top six DEFs this week, only two were owned, and both of them were on the bench).

Bell’s ridiculous three-TD, 236-yds rushing performance (plus a mere 62 yds receiving) was by far the top fantasy performance of the year and the best fantasy output by a running back since … just three years ago, actually. In December 2013, Jamaal Charles had a 49-pts performance behind five TDs and 195 yds receiving. And Bell’s work pales in comparison to the 61.7-pts performance by Houston RB Billy Cannon in 1961, when he accounted for 330 total yds and five 5 TDs. Pretty sure I was playing against him that week...


“Players we own” edition

3rd place: Travis Benjamin, -0.20 pts -- on Sam’s bench
2nd place: Dez Bryant, -0.33 pts -- started by Jim
1st place: Seattle, -5.00 pts -- started by me

Yeah, I did not see that Green Bay beatdown of the Seahawks coming.

Great game for the Cowpokes #1 wideout on Sunday night: one catch for 10 yds, and a fumble. Good work for a guy who is supposed to be one of the top five receivers in the league. But at least he’s calm enough not to make a big deal out of that this week.


** During Sunday’s painful Giants/Cowboys game, as Dallas was trying to get in FG range at the end of the first half, sideline reporter Michele Tafoya said she had talked to Cowboys K Dan Bailey who reported “that he’s confident kicking from 54 yards either way in this stadium, but he thinks he can get another yard or two going this direction on the field.”

The Cowboys then promptly completed an 18-yard pass, trotted Bailey out for a last-second FG, and his kick from 55 yards … hit the crossbar and bounced back onto the field. So I guess he couldn’t get another yard.

Honestly, I don’t know if that was just stupid coincidence or amazing knowledge of one’s own limitations. I’m just happy Dallas missed a FG.

** During Monday night’s game, before Baltimore’s first FG attempt, ESPN announcer Sean McDonough announced that Ravens K Justin Tucker was the only kicker not to miss any attempts this year. The stats team flashed up “only perfect kicker” across the screen. Color commentator John Gruden stated “I don’t think I’ve ever seen this guy miss.”

Of course the kick was immediately blocked.

Next time, if ESPN wants to be nicer, instead of jinxing the guy every way possible, they’ll just go punch him in the face.

The Eagles, at 5-8, aren’t going to the playoffs this year. They’ll extend the longest wait among Philadelphia teams since the last playoff win, way back in 2008 (one more losing year and it’s a decade, kids).

But since the Phillies five-year run atop the NL East, it’s been pretty dark times all around for Philly sports. The Flyers and Sixers both won first-round playoff series in 2012, and the four teams are a combined 0-3 in the post-season in the four years since.

Which brings us to the 2016-2017 Flyers, who could end that streak with a victory next spring. The Flyers have reeled off nine wins in a row to pull within two points of the best record in all of hockey, albeit with 51 games still left on their schedule.

I bring this all up mostly to note that if it doesn’t happen, it’ll be more than five years without a decent sports team in town. The Phillies and Sixers still look several years away, and the Eagles look two years away from winning a division game again (0-4 this season).

So, go Flyers. Yay hockey. Yay something watchable. Please.


With all the attention focused on the Cowboys top two QBs this year, their third string passer has gone almost completely unnoticed for much of the season. How is one-time Eagles/Jets/Broncos QB Mark Sanchez doing down in Texas these days?

Former USC great, Dallas Cowboys backup quarterback Mark Travis Sanchez
** Butt fumble hero a sad mess, a quack. TV czars rip car bro: Lacks any grace, work.

Of course Sanchez’ name and title easily spell out “butt fumble.” He will never escape it.

** Great rally by Dad, who lost the Thursday night game but picked up two on Sunday to pull within seven again. He’s still not mathematically eliminated, only scientifically and grammatically.

** Headline: “Fantasy injury updates for Melvin Gordon, Matt Forte, Matthew Stafford, more for Week 15.”

Me, looking at my pay-league team heading to the playoffs next week: “Yep, I’m starting all three of them. QB Tyrod Taylor and WR Allen Hurns on my bench, both injured too.”

Fantasy football stinks.

** Speaking of my fantasy teams, I missed the playoffs by one game in my third league. I lost this week by 1.5 pts. It’s the third time this year I lost by less than a field goal.

Fantasy football stinks.

Week 14 standings

1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 1783.20 pts
2 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1717.70pts
3 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 1667.92 pts
4 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 1650.82 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1600.57 pts
6 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 1585.47 pts
7 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 1499.13 pts
8 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 1492.99 pts
9 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 1468.71 pts
10 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 1468.43 pts
11 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 1393.83 pts
12 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1345.54 pts

Anthony is starting to chase down our long-time league leader, and now sits only 66 pts back of another Awesome Cup Championship. All her needs is to outscore Joel by 22 pts a week over the last stretch of the season, and this week he beat him by 32. So … anything is possible.

Case in point -- No one thought my dreadful team could get into the middle of the standings, but here we are. All I need to do is outscore Joel by 94 pts a week over the last three weeks and I’ll be up top.

OK, maybe not everything is possible.

Kudos to Mom Doyle for winning the week with the 12th-best pts total of the year, pulling her further away from the basement. If she can just get 200-plus yds out of Le’Veon Bell each week, she might break the single-digits in the standings.

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 13 recap

What it’s like to be an Eagles fan with a birthday in December:

-- Dec. 5, 1976: The day after I was born, the Eagles lost 26-7 to the hated Cowboys en route to a pathetic 3-10 season. I’m sure I watched the game.

-- Dec. 4, 1977: On my one-year birthday, the Eagles again lose to Dallas, this time 24-17. At this point in my life, they’re 0-3 against the Cowboys and 4-10 overall.

-- Dec. 4, 1983: To celebrate my seventh birthday, the Eagles decide to win for a change. They upend the LA Rams 13-9 despite a missed extra point and only 286 yds of offense.

-- Dec. 4, 1988: The Eagles mark my 12th birthday by losing to the Washington Racial Slurs (they played in DC at the time) in a game where they led 19-7 in the third quarter.

-- Dec. 4, 1994: On my 18th birthday, late in the 4th quarter, QB Randall Cunningham throws an INT in the end zone that’s returned 100 yards for a TD in an Eagles 31-19 loss to the Cowboys.

-- Dec. 4, 2006: Twelve years since my last birthday game, the Eagles defeat the Panthers 27-24 on a Monday night game that requires a last-minute end zone interception to seal the victory.

-- Dec. 4, 2016: For my 40th birthday, rookie QB Carson Wentz attempts 60 passes producing three INTs and a 32-14 loss to the Bengals.

Dec. 4 falls on Monday next year and then not on a Sunday again until 2022. If the Birds can manage to play and win on both those occasions, they’ll be at .500 on my birthday for the first time in 46 years.

I’m not holding my breath.

QB: Andrew Luck, 37.73 pts -- started by me
WR: Tyler Lockett, 21.36 pts -- on Joel’s bench
RB: David Johnson, 30.97 pts -- started by Joel
TE: Dwayne Allen, 24.80 pts -- on the wire
K: Matt Prater, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Chicago, 22.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Leonard Floyd, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

It should be noted that Joanna cut Prater right before kickoff Sunday to grab a TE who was not Dwyane Allen. Double shot there.

Also, it’s an injustice that Chiefs S Eric Berry isn’t the top defensive player of the week, falling just short with 11.50 pts. But those points were far more important than Floyd’s (two sacks and a safety). Berry returned an INT for a TD in the first half of his game, then returned a two-point conversion attempt 99 yards for the winning margin in KC’s 28-27 victory over the Falcons. Not a bad afternoon.


“Awful defense” edition

3rd place: Miami, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: NY Jets, -3.00 pts -- started by Dad
1st place: Buffalo, -6.00 pts -- on the wire

I always warn Dad that his unbridled love for New York teams is going to hurt him, but he never listens.

Speaking of New York state teams, Buffalo dropped the lowest possible score this week, with 38 pts allowed, no sacks and no turnovers in wonderful disaster of a game against the Raiders. Buffalo was actually up 24-9 in that game, then let the Raiders score 31 unanswered over the last 24 minutes of the game. Hell of an effort, guys.


** On Sunday night, Panthers coach Ron Rivera benched QB Cam Newton for the offense’s opening play because he had an unspecified violation of the team’s travel dress code. Officially, it’s one less “start” for Newton in his career.

And how did that one play go? Backup turned starting QB Derek Anderson bounced his only pass off his fullback’s hands and into the arms of a Seattle linebacker, giving the favored Seahawks an early advantage in a game where they eventually won 40-7.

I think someone learned a valuable lesson there, and it wasn’t Newton.

** ESPN headline: “Eagles likely to pursue DeSean Jackson in free agency.”
Just shoot me now.

It’s bowl season again, so here’s some possibilities the NFL could embrace to bring a little more collegiate excitement to their last month of regular season games:

** The Hefty Garbage Bag Bowl: Browns vs. Niners
Hefty would love to have their name on this contest, because it would be the least trashy thing on the field.

** The Lipitor Heart Attack Bowl: Chargers vs Lions
The Lions first 11 games were all decided by less than a TD. The Chargers have seven losses by less than eight points. All fans get a free heart rate monitor.

** The Ramen Sustenance Bowl: Colts vs Cardinals
Like the noodles, this looks and feels like football, but has no actual flavor of substance.

** The Six Flags Roller Coaster Bowl: Eagles vs. Vikings
A rematch game! Remember when these two teams were both exciting? Now here’s what it looks like at the bottom of the hill.

** The National Championship Bowl: Cowboys vs. Crimson Tide
The voters always include Alabama. Always.


Talent evaluation is tough for the Cowboys scouting staff, because they’re charged with finding individuals with the right mix of talent but still wholly objectionable personalities. But, little known fact, they actually use these anagrams to help them in their search. Take, for example, their sixth round DB pick this past draft:

Cowboys Dallas Safety Kavon Frazier
** No skill, fat face, sad bravery, was oozy

Sounds like perfect Cowboys material to me.

** Dad’s foolish pick of the Jets Monday night dropped him to eight back in the weekly picks contest. Like I said, those NY teams...

** Guess what? We’re finally done with bye weeks for the season! Still a bunch of stupid Thursday night games left, though.

** Pro Bowl vote totals so far came out this week, and I’m sure someone cares about that. But it’s not me.
Week 13 standings

1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 1682.82 pts
2 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1588.11 pts
3 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 1575.52 pts
4 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 1526.59 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1523.86 pts
6 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 1501.91 pts
7 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 1409.19 pts
8 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 1407.37 pts
9 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 1392.12 pts
10 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 1380.89 pts
11 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 1246.34 pts
12 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1241.28 pts

No movement for anyone in the top six this week, but everyone in the bottom six switched places, so let’s focus there.

Paul’s terrible, terrible week dropped him down to the bottom three, and another exemplary coaching job by me vaulted my squad back up into the single-digits. And Bob and Mom Doyle continue their bloody battle to stay out of last place, with only about five pts separating them from ignominy.

With four weeks left, can anyone come close to unseating Joel? Has the league punching bag become the new juggernaut? 2016, you continue to continue to confuse me.

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 12 recap

The Eagles easiest path to the playoffs, after Monday’s drubbing at the hands of the Packers:

** The Eagles go 4-1 in their final five. They finish 9-7.
** The Maryland Racial Slurs go 2-3 or worse, finishing no better than 8-7-1.
** The Bucs and Vikings go 2-3 or worse, finishing no better than 8-8.
** The Saints and Packers go 3-2 or worse, finishing no better than 8-8.
** The Cardinals, Panther and Rams all lose at least one more game, and finish no better than 8-8.

Just those few simple steps and the Eagles lock down that final wild card spot. Four of their final five contests come against teams with a winning record and currently in playoff position. But they’re actually third in the NFC in point differential, so it should be no problem at all.

QB: Drew Brees, 40.50 pts -- started by Paul
WR: Tyreek Hill, 28.55 pts -- started by Joanna
RB: Mark Ingram, 28.50 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Jordan Reed, 23.33 pts -- on Ant’s bench
K: Justin Tucker, 19.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF: NY Giants, 25.00 pts -- started by Dad
D: Jason Pierre-Paul, 18.50 pts -- on the wire

Fun facts you find out about everyone’s coaching style when you put this list together:

** Anthony started two TEs who combined for zero pts and left Reed on his bench.
** Jeff is carrying three kickers, two defenses but only one defensive player.
** Dad is averaging more than three player moves a week.
** Bob has been starting an inactive kicker and WR for the last three weeks.
** All of these people still scored over 100 pts this week.

Fantasy football is unfair to the just and the wicked alike…


“Defenses we started” edition

3rd place: Philadelphia, 1.00 pts -- started by Bob
2nd place: Arizona, -1.00 pts -- started by Joel
1st place: LA Rams, -2.00 pts -- started by Paul

Combined, those three teams surrendered 114 pts this weekend, and all three defenses were started in more than 70 percent of leagues across the Yahoo fantasy empire. So, everybody sucks.


** The ESPN ads leading up to Monday’s Packers/Eagles game had the tag line “sometimes desperation is the best inspiration” which is a nicer way of saying “neither of these teams is good but maybe it’ll be fun to watch?”

** At the start of the fourth quarter of Sunday’s Giants/Browns game, Fox commentator Matt Millen said that even though Cleveland was down eight, “they're playing hard, I feel like they're really going to show something this quarter.” Three plays later, the Browns tossed an interception returned for a TD and were out of the game for good.

Millen has unique insight on truly awful teams, given his work assembling the 2008 Lions, the only NFL team to ever go winless in a 16-game season. So it doesn’t surprise me that he was impressed by the 0-12 Browns. Or perhaps he’s just rooting for company down at the bottom?

Time for everyone’s favorite game -- Guess which ones of these are the names of NFL tight ends and which are corporate villains from the Marvel comics universe:

-- Ifeanyi Momah
TE Villain

-- Cooper Helfet
TE Villain

-- Jake Stoneburner
TE Villain

-- Justice Cunningham
TE Villain

-- Xavier Grimble
TE Villain

-- Crockett Gillmore
TE Villain

-- MyCole Pruitt
TE Villain

-- D.J. Tialavea
TE Villain

No need for an answers button -- they’re all TEs. Football is weird this year.

After their Thanksgiving evening game, Dallas gets to return to Thursday night play next week against the flailing Minnesota Vikings before a 10-day break ahead of their season stretch run. Sunday’s are already miserable enough knowing that the Cowboys are on, but watching them mid-week is even more sickening. That comes as no surprise, however, since the problem is spelled out right in the phrase:

Another Thursday night Dallas Cowboys game
** Cry as the haunting doom gathers, always bold

I’d like to tell you that it’s difficult to spell “haunting doom” with just relevant football letters but honestly that stuff comes up easy every week with the Cowboys.

** Dad and I split picks this week, so he stays at seven down for the year so far. It’s not impossible for him to come back in the final five weeks of the season, but the Eagles may have a better chance of making the playoffs.

** NFL officials said this week they are considering dropping the Thursday night games in future seasons, which means they’re probably instead going to move two games to every Thursday night and only air them on Snapchat.

** I don’t know if we’re looking for additional signs of the apocalypse this year, but longtime-doormat Temple is playing against longtime-independent Navy for a conference championship next weekend...

Week 12 standings

1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 1563.06 pts
2 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1476.37 pts
3 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 1451.41 pts
4 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 1438.49 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1409.95 pts
6 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 1388.12 pts
7 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 1322.21 pts
8 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 1311.99 pts
9 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 1294.97 pts
10 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 1233.53 pts
11 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1149.54 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 1140.13 pts

Only one change in the standings, and it’s Mom dropping back into last place courtesy of LeSean McCoy’s huge fantasy week for Bob’s team. The battle for second place is tightening up, with three teams less than 40 points apart. And it should be noted this is the second time I’ve had the highest point total of the week, even if it just moves me a little closer to 9th…

After a week with no byes, we’re back to several this week, because the NFL hates you. But after this weekend, we’re locked and loaded for the final quarter of the season. Try to contain your excitement.

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 11 recap

 

Facts to consider after Sunday’s brutal Eagles game:

** At 5-5, if the Eagles were in the AFC North, they’d be in 1st place. There are three other divisions where they’d be one game out of first in second. Instead, they’re dead last in the NFC East, two games out of third and essentially five out of first.

** R. Matthews picked up 122 yds on Sunday, accounting for almost 1/3rd of the team’s offense. Unfortunately, that’s Rishard Matthews of the Titans, not Ryan Matthews of the Eagles. The Birds’ R. Matthews picked up only 31 yds and left with another injury.

** The Eagles are third in the league in point differential, at plus-55. They’re second in the league in fewest points allowed, at 186. They’re one of only three teams with a perfect home record. And their ninth of 16 in the NFC playoff standings.

** Eagles QB Carson Wentz seems firmly entrenched in third place in NFL rookie of the year voting. Of course, options one and two play in the same division: Cowboys QB Dak Prescott and Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott.

If it weren’t for bad luck, they’d have no luck at all…

QB: Tom Brady, 36.40 pts -- started by Jeff
WR: Dez Bryant, 20.33 pts -- started by Jim
RB: Rob Kelley, 31.70 pts -- on Mike’s bench
TE: Jared Cook, 14.50 pts -- on Bob’s bench
K: Roberto Aguayo, 14.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Pittsburgh, 24.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Xavier Rhodes, 12.00 pts -- on the wire

We’ve had better weeks…

This is a family blog, so I’ll leave all the jokes about R Kelley making a mess of the Packers’ defense to your imagination.

And it’s never a good week when the top TE, K and D player all scored about the same. Not seeing a lot of excitement out there right now.


“All QB edition” edition

3rd place: Chad Henne, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Trevone Boykin, -0.50 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Brett Hundley, -1.64 pts -- on the wire

I was pretty confident that Chad Henne retired at least three years ago. He actually hasn’t attempted a pass since 2014, but he did rush for -2 yds on Sunday, so I guess that counts as still playing.

And congrats to Hundley, whose late-game interception on Sunday moved him into the lead for the worst fantasy player of the year. At -1.32 pts for the season, the Packers backup QB is just ahead of injured Niners WR Keshawn Martin (-1.26 pts) and comfortably ahead of Chicago third-string QB Matt Barkley (-0.86 pts). All Hundley needs to do is stay out of Green Bay’s final five games … or maybe throw a few picks against the Eagles on Sunday.


** During the CBS broadcast of Sunday’s Eagles game, the announcers stopped paying attention to the Eagles pretty early given their sloppy play and started talking about how big the previous week’s Seahawks’ win over the Patriots was. Color commentator Phil Simms called it “poetic justice” that Seattle won with a fourth quarter goal line stand, given that two years ago New England won the Super Bowl on a similar defensive hold.

Later that night, NBC announcer Chris Collinsworth said the Maryland Racial Slurs were extra fired up to get revenge on the Packers, given Green Bay’s victory over the squad in last year’s playoffs.

Did I miss a memo somewhere? Is week 11 of 2016 worth more than past playoff years? No chance Seahawks coach Pete Carroll sits up at night and thinks, “yeah, I blew that Super Bowl, but at least I got revenge in that mid-November game that had one-tenth the viewers!”

Not everything is an epic rematch, folks. Sometimes it’s just a scheduling quirk.

** NFL.com had a story titled “Thirty-six things we learned from Week 11” on Monday and I’ll let you know what it says when I get done reading it in December.

What each NFL team is thankful for this year:

** Dallas Cowboys: That none of their rookies have been charged with felonies … yet.
** Chicago Bears: That the Cubs won, so nobody cares about how awful they are.
** New England Patriots: That no one has found out how they’re cheating this season … yet.
** New York Giants: That a helmet can hide most of Eli Manning’s dopey face.
** Pittsburgh Steelers: That despite playing awful, they’re not out of the playoff hunt … yet.
** Jacksonville Jaguars: That they have home fans who will cheer them, even if it’s only in London.
** Cleveland Browns: That 2016 is almost over.


There are times this feature is too forced to be believable, and I apologize for those errors. Sometimes the search for the hidden darkness in the names of Cowboys players gets so complex it strains the levels of credibility, and I know that sows doubts into whether these players are truly terrible or simply the victims of word mastery wizardry.

And then there are players like Vince Mayle, who remind you that the horror inside the souls of all Cowboys players cannot be denied. Consider:

Dallas Wide Receiver Vince Mayle
** Very evil deal, w/ increased malice

“Ha!” you say. “That’s clever. But what does it really prove?”
Everything. It proves everything.

Dallas Wide Receiver Vince Mayle
** Decency reviled. A vile realism. Aw.

I hear you. “OK, two is just a coincidence but…”
Stop. Accept that these anagrams are hidden truth, not mere manipulation.

Dallas Wide Receiver Vince Mayle
** All me: I live decadency, I serve war

“OK, that’s weird but it still doesn’t …”
Stop. You cannot deny what is clearly spelled out in the names.

Dallas Wide Receiver Vince Mayle
** Silverware deceived me. I’ll can ya

The guy is angry at silverware. Silverware! If that’s not the heart of evil, I don’t know what is.

** It’s a turnaround week for Dad -- he won both games we had different on Sunday and got his deficit in the weekly picks back to a touchdown (and a converted extra point, unlike everybody else). Now let’s see how he can pick with a belly full of turkey.

** Among the nominees for MLB’s Hall of Fame this year: Pat Burrell and Matt Stairs. Both long shots, but I’ll be interested to see how long each stays on the ballot. As long as you get 5 percent of the vote, you stay on for up to 10 years.

** Seriously though the Eagles could be eliminated from winning the NFC East this week. Ugh.

Week 11 standings

1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 1448.27 pts
2 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1360.88 pts
3 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 1320.87 pts
4 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 1313.85 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1301.39 pts
6 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 1268.52 pts
7 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 1213.46 pts
8 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 1193.06 pts
9 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 1190.11 pts
10 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 1089.62 pts
11 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 1054.02 pts
12 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1026.67 pts

They said it couldn’t be done, and it did take 11 weeks, but congrats to Mom Doyle, who pulled her team out of dead last and into … dead second to last but that isn’t the point. A second-place finish on the week coupled with a steady slide from Bob gets Mom out of the cellar and within striking distance of 10th, currently held by a team we won’t discuss.

Meanwhile, Joel is starting to run away with this thing. The distance between first and second is almost the same as between second and sixth. So, you know, get on it.

Remember there are three games on Thanksgiving, so set your roster before putting the turkey in the oven. I don’t care what time the family is coming over, you’re gonna forget about your kicker if you wait.

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 10 recap

 

Sometimes in life, undeserving people win contests. It doesn’t matter if they’re less skilled, or more incompetent, or less worthy of a lucky bounce. And nowhere was that more obvious in the last week than … in the NFL, where a host of ridiculous finishes abounded. Consider:

** The Saints scored with 1 minute left in their game Sunday to tie the score at 23. It was an impressive comeback, and extra point would give them a much needed win … if the Broncos didn’t block it, return the ball for a two-point score and win 25-23 instead.
** The Rams posted their third game out of nine this year where they failed to score a TD. But they’re 2-1 in those games, after a 9-6 victory over the Jets.
** The Chargers on Sunday played their seventh game decided by eight points or less this season. This one came with San Diego holding the ball just outside field goal range with 70 seconds left in the fourth … only to have QB Phillip Rivers throw a 60-yard interception TD to lose again.
** The Steelers and Cowboys traded leads four times in the fourth quarter, including twice in the last 75 seconds. The Cowboys won despite allowing 408 passing yds to eight different receivers.

Besides that, I can think of any other high-profile, unfortunate upset victories in the last few days. But I may have missed something.

QB: Marcus Mariota, 36.60 pts -- started by Sam
WR: Doug Baldwin, 24.93 pts -- started by Jim
RB: Ezekiel Elliott, 36.73 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Delanie Walker, 18.77 pts -- started by Jeff
K: Steven Hauschka, 16.50 pts -- started by Ant
DEF: Tampa Bay, 30.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Eric Berry, 12.50 pts -- on the wire

How about that Bears offense? The Bucs defense was a better play than most skill positions this week, thanks to a stat line of 10 pts allowed, nine pts scored (a defensive TD and a safety), four turnovers and four sacks. And since they’re owned in only 6 percent of leagues across Yahoo, nearly no one got to benefit from the success.

Meanwhile, former Buckeye Elliot leads the league in rushing yards (first player over 1,000 this season) but is only third among RBs in points per game, just barely behind DeMarco Murray and David Johnson. So that’s something, I guess.


“Getting defensive” edition

3rd place: Jakeem Grant, -0.36 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Trevor Davis, -1.76 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Josh McCown, -3.64 pts -- on the wire

Just when you thought the Browns couldn’t get worse, they pulled McCown off the bench for the second half of their game against the Ravens and sunk even lower. McCown had three turnovers, 59 yds passing and an incredible low 6.4 QB rating (for comparison, as always, your QB rating was 39.6 on Sunday). The 0-10 Browns have a great chance of finishing the season winless this year, a feat accomplished only by the 2008 Lions since the season expanded to 16 games.

And that’s great news for Browns GM Sashi Brown, who is in line for a host of TV jobs if that happens. I mean, I assume that’s the case, since 2008 Lions GM Matt Millen still gets to go everywhere and talk about football despite assembling the worst roster ever. Failure equals success, clearly.


** NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell last week acknowledged the league’s falling TV ratings, and offered several near-term fixes. Among them: speeding up video reviews, and getting referees to announce penalties quicker.

It’s brilliant strategy, because everyone knows the refereeing has been such high quality in recent years that make those guys move quicker won’t harm the quality of play at all…

** In the same interview, Goodell dismissed the possibility that the Thursday night games have diminished the excitement of games by worsening the quality of play and over saturating the market with too many NFL games: “Every game counts, so that makes our inventory incredibly valuable.”
There are four games out of 14 next week that feature two teams with winning records squaring off.

There are two games out of 14 that feature division opponents playing each other. I’d hardly call that a slate of games that all count.

Rams rookie QB Jared Goff is set to make his first NFL start this weekend, just 11 weeks into the season. The 22-year-old #1 overall draft pick is already well behind draft class mates Carson Wentz and Dak Prescott in rookie passer work, but even that seems to sell short just how far off pace the newbie QB is. Here’s a quick list of passers who took the field before the “most NFL ready QB in the draft” makes his debut this year:

** Five Browns QBs: Cody Kessler, Josh McCown, Robert Griffin, Kevin Hogan and Charlie Whitehurt.
** Three former Eagles QBs, for new teams: Nick Foles, Mark Sanchez, Matt Barkley.
** Five other rookie QBs: Wentz, Prescott, Kessler, Jacoby Brissett, Paxton Lynch.
** Three non-QBs: WR Tanner McEvoy (43 yds passing), WR Terrelle Pryor (41 yds passing) and RB DeMarco Murray (10 yds passing).
** Not Tony Romo.


Another week, another painful Cowboys win. After dropping the first game of the season, the damned from Dallas have reeled off eight straight victories, and now sit atop the NFL in terms of record. So, how should we feel about this? Let the letters guide you:

The Dallas win streak reaches eight
** Cheats hired, all these waking tears

It’s possible that the polling on those Cowboys victories are wrong and they’ll actually end up missing the playoffs due to the electoral college. I think that’s how it works.

** Another week, another two-game deficit for Dad. He’s down nine games with seven weeks left. And even if he can crawl back into contention, I hold all the tiebreakers because he plays in the NFC East.

** The Cowboys not only play on Thanksgiving but the Thursday night game after that. I’m not sure how it gives them an advantage, but I’m sure it does.

** The Texans and Raiders will play this Monday night in Mexico City because … I don’t even know anymore. The NFL really, really hates showing its product to Americans, I guess.

Week 10 standings

1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 1284.54 pts
2 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1263.02 pts
3 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 1232.00 pts
4 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 1209.00 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1188.82 pts
6 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 1145.29 pts
7 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 1129.75 pts
8 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 1089.55 pts
9 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 1062.63 pts
10 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 1000.13 pts
11 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 955.72 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 921.64 pts

And just like that, Joel is back on top of the standings again. Our second and third place teams (Ant and Jef) both had dreadful, sub-90-pts weeks (still better than my 77-pts squad, though) and slipped back away from the championship spot. And outside the top five, no one moved an inch in the standings.

On a more important note, two teams landed their scores exactly on whole numbers this week, so if you can play double-zero in the lottery, now is as good a time as any.