Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Fantasy football 2016 -- week 15 recap

Here’s a look at the wish lists for a few of NFL teams’ GMs this Christmas season:

** Broncos: A new bobblehead Peyton Manning, to play QB the rest of the year.
** Giants: Earplugs, to help quiet Odell Beckham’s constant shrieking.
** Eagles: Glue sticks, to “repair” their wideouts’ gloves.
** Patriots: Scented candles, to cover up the smell of cheating.
** Cowboys: The souls of small children, for lunch.
** Ravens: Nothing. The Eagles handing them a win for free was already a great gift.
** Browns: A nuclear bomb, to “repair” their team.

QB: Drew Brees, 37.36 pts -- started by Paul
WR: Ty Montgomery, 30.41 pts -- started by Dad
RB: Devonta Freeman, 31.97 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Dion Sims, 16.07 pts -- on the wire
K: Chris Boswell, 23.50 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Miami, 26.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Calais Campbell, 14.00 pts -- on the wire

At least the wire had a good week.

So, technically Mike’s WR Brandin Cooks had the top score of the week (27.90 pts) because Montgomery is listed as a WR/RB and scored most of his points thanks to rushing TDs. But, I hate how Cooks spells his first name, so he gets dropped to also-ran status here.

Also, Chris Boswell: One 35-yard FG, five 40-plus-yds FGs and a tackle. Not a bad day for a kicker.

“Terrible, terrible people” edition

3rd place: Jordan Norwood, -1.60 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Brock Osweiler, -2.08 pts -- on the wire
1st place: San Francisco, -3.00 pts -- on the wire

Osweiler posted a 26.1 QB rating on Sunday (much worse than the 39.6 rating you set just by sitting on the couch) behind a two-interception, 48-yds dud of a performance that got him benched in the second quarter.

But your mediocre play from your couch barely cost a penny (unless you lost change in the cushions when you stood up.) Osweiler is costing the Texans $21 million this season, and has another $18 million in guaranteed money on his contract. And he got badly outplayed by a backup QB I’ve never heard of (Tom Savage, allegedly in his third year in the NFL and making $300K this season).

And despite that the Texans are tied for first in their division. Football is unfair.

** FYI, all the NFL games are screwed up next week. The main slate of games is scheduled for Christmas Eve (Saturday) with seven games scheduled for 1pm, four games set for 430 pm, and a Saturday night game. And there’s still a Thursday night game (Eagles/Giants, dammit) and a Monday night game.

And then there’s Sunday, where there should be a ton of normal games to watch after a relaxing Christmas morning. But instead, we only get two late game -- an 830pm showdown with the Broncos and the Chiefs and a 430pm contest between the Steelers and Ravens that is … you guessed it … a special Christmas edition of Thursday night football.

It’s only a matter of time before Thursday games that are particularly boring are going to be rebranded as a special Thursday editions inspired by the special holiday broadcast of regular Thursday night football excitement.

Remember: The NFL hates you, and makes it less appealing to watch every week, and you continue to watch.

** NFL.com has a story titled “Thirty-nine things we learned from Week 15” and I’ll let you know what it says when I finally get done reading that “Thirty-six things we learned from Week 11” that I started last month and still haven’t finished.

The Eagles lost their fifth game in a row on Sunday (and seventh of their last eight) right around the same time the Jacksonville Jaguars lost their ninth game in a row, prompting the late-season firing of coach Gus Bradley.

The 22-year-old Florida franchise, picked at the beginning of this season as a playoff threat, has been as dreadful to watch as the Browns over the last decade with none of the history or charm. Consider:

** The Jags haven’t had a winning season in nine years, and have one playoff victory in the last 17 seasons.

** The team has had back-to-back wins once in their last 49 games, and a 14-48 record under Bradley.

** The NFL assumes no one in Florida wants to see them play -- they’ve had a home game reassigned to London each of the last four years, and already have one for next year taken away too.

** That loss on Sunday that broke the coaching camel’s back? Yep, it came at the hands of the Texans and backup QB Tom Savage, who threw for 260 yds in two-plus quarters against the Jags furball defense. That’s more than twice the total passing yds he had in his career before Sunday.

Season ticket plans for the 2017 season start at $600. Catch the cat fever!

That sad noise you’re hearing in the distance is the inevitable end of the Cowboys Insult Anagrams for the season, with only a pair of weeks left after this one. Or, maybe it’s the sound of evil escaping from the Dallas offensive line. Consider all the different noises being made by lineman Ronald Lear’s name alone:

Guard Ronald Leary
** A dull roar, gray end
** A loud, dreary gnarl
** A lardy, ruled groan
** A drug yell, or a darn

I’m sure he’s growling too, but using the W in Cowboys to unveil that cacophony just seemed like too much.

** Whoa! Dad won three of four this week to cut my lead down to five games in our picks contest with two weeks left to go. For the second week in a row, I completely missed on a beatdown (Minnesota, keep losing! We want a better pick) and saw my faith in the Lions destroyed by Eli Manning. But I’m not nervous … yet.

** Thank you, Kirk Cousins! His crappy Monday night game put me in the championship round of my other league, guaranteeing me at least a $50 payout (and possibly much more). Now all I need is for Drew Brees, Antonio Brown and LeSean McCoy to suck this week.

Week 14 standings

1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 1894.56 pts
2 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 1813.88 pts
3 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1789.38pts
4 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 1744.39 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1717.34 pts
6 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 1663.87 pts
7 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 1615.51 pts
8 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 1593.00 pts
9 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 1590.40 pts
10 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 1558.34 pts
11 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 1503.76 pts
12 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1433.86 pts

A huge stumble by Ant’s team this week drops him from threatening first to gasping in third. Mike hops up to second, representing the only hope of stopping Joel this season, but it’s a faint hope. He now boasts an 80-plus pts lead and may be the only team this year to break the 2000-pts barrier. The trophy is already being shined...

Joanna remains stalled in fourth, Jeff in fifth, Sam in sixth. There’s a four-way dogfight for seventh-place, with my squad currently leading that pack of losers. And Mom Doyle and Bob seem pretty well stuck in their bottom posts.

Two weeks of excitement left. Will the Eagles/Giants Thursday night game decide your entire fantasy season? Will you even remember that’s when the game is being played?

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