Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Fantasy league 2016 -- week 12 recap

The Eagles easiest path to the playoffs, after Monday’s drubbing at the hands of the Packers:

** The Eagles go 4-1 in their final five. They finish 9-7.
** The Maryland Racial Slurs go 2-3 or worse, finishing no better than 8-7-1.
** The Bucs and Vikings go 2-3 or worse, finishing no better than 8-8.
** The Saints and Packers go 3-2 or worse, finishing no better than 8-8.
** The Cardinals, Panther and Rams all lose at least one more game, and finish no better than 8-8.

Just those few simple steps and the Eagles lock down that final wild card spot. Four of their final five contests come against teams with a winning record and currently in playoff position. But they’re actually third in the NFC in point differential, so it should be no problem at all.

QB: Drew Brees, 40.50 pts -- started by Paul
WR: Tyreek Hill, 28.55 pts -- started by Joanna
RB: Mark Ingram, 28.50 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Jordan Reed, 23.33 pts -- on Ant’s bench
K: Justin Tucker, 19.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF: NY Giants, 25.00 pts -- started by Dad
D: Jason Pierre-Paul, 18.50 pts -- on the wire

Fun facts you find out about everyone’s coaching style when you put this list together:

** Anthony started two TEs who combined for zero pts and left Reed on his bench.
** Jeff is carrying three kickers, two defenses but only one defensive player.
** Dad is averaging more than three player moves a week.
** Bob has been starting an inactive kicker and WR for the last three weeks.
** All of these people still scored over 100 pts this week.

Fantasy football is unfair to the just and the wicked alike…

“Defenses we started” edition

3rd place: Philadelphia, 1.00 pts -- started by Bob
2nd place: Arizona, -1.00 pts -- started by Joel
1st place: LA Rams, -2.00 pts -- started by Paul

Combined, those three teams surrendered 114 pts this weekend, and all three defenses were started in more than 70 percent of leagues across the Yahoo fantasy empire. So, everybody sucks.

** The ESPN ads leading up to Monday’s Packers/Eagles game had the tag line “sometimes desperation is the best inspiration” which is a nicer way of saying “neither of these teams is good but maybe it’ll be fun to watch?”

** At the start of the fourth quarter of Sunday’s Giants/Browns game, Fox commentator Matt Millen said that even though Cleveland was down eight, “they're playing hard, I feel like they're really going to show something this quarter.” Three plays later, the Browns tossed an interception returned for a TD and were out of the game for good.

Millen has unique insight on truly awful teams, given his work assembling the 2008 Lions, the only NFL team to ever go winless in a 16-game season. So it doesn’t surprise me that he was impressed by the 0-12 Browns. Or perhaps he’s just rooting for company down at the bottom?

Time for everyone’s favorite game -- Guess which ones of these are the names of NFL tight ends and which are corporate villains from the Marvel comics universe:

-- Ifeanyi Momah

-- Cooper Helfet

-- Jake Stoneburner

-- Justice Cunningham

-- Xavier Grimble

-- Crockett Gillmore

-- MyCole Pruitt

-- D.J. Tialavea

No need for an answers button -- they’re all TEs. Football is weird this year.

After their Thanksgiving evening game, Dallas gets to return to Thursday night play next week against the flailing Minnesota Vikings before a 10-day break ahead of their season stretch run. Sunday’s are already miserable enough knowing that the Cowboys are on, but watching them mid-week is even more sickening. That comes as no surprise, however, since the problem is spelled out right in the phrase:

Another Thursday night Dallas Cowboys game
** Cry as the haunting doom gathers, always bold

I’d like to tell you that it’s difficult to spell “haunting doom” with just relevant football letters but honestly that stuff comes up easy every week with the Cowboys.

** Dad and I split picks this week, so he stays at seven down for the year so far. It’s not impossible for him to come back in the final five weeks of the season, but the Eagles may have a better chance of making the playoffs.

** NFL officials said this week they are considering dropping the Thursday night games in future seasons, which means they’re probably instead going to move two games to every Thursday night and only air them on Snapchat.

** I don’t know if we’re looking for additional signs of the apocalypse this year, but longtime-doormat Temple is playing against longtime-independent Navy for a conference championship next weekend...

Week 12 standings

1 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 1563.06 pts
2 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 1476.37 pts
3 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 1451.41 pts
4 -- QBs for Everyone! (Jo), 1438.49 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1409.95 pts
6 -- Not with that Attitude (Sam), 1388.12 pts
7 -- May Pay Attention (Paul), 1322.21 pts
8 -- Who's on First? (Dad), 1311.99 pts
9 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 1294.97 pts
10 -- North Dakota Reaches (me), 1233.53 pts
11 -- Last exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 1149.54 pts
12 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle), 1140.13 pts

Only one change in the standings, and it’s Mom dropping back into last place courtesy of LeSean McCoy’s huge fantasy week for Bob’s team. The battle for second place is tightening up, with three teams less than 40 points apart. And it should be noted this is the second time I’ve had the highest point total of the week, even if it just moves me a little closer to 9th…

After a week with no byes, we’re back to several this week, because the NFL hates you. But after this weekend, we’re locked and loaded for the final quarter of the season. Try to contain your excitement.

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