Fantasy League 2013 -- final results

Another season is in the books, and the Awesome Cup is all shined up for its new home. But before the official award ceremony, let’s look back on how the other 10 losers did this year:

Timmy and the Jets (Joel)
Projected finish: 2147.77 pts (5th place)
Actual finish: 1808.72 pts (11th place)
NFL equivalent: Jacksonville Jaguars
Much like the lowly Jags, Joel just couldn’t score any points. Blame his NFC-West-heavy receiving corps. Or QB Matt Ryan. Or bad coaching. Or the new rule changes that make it harder to play defense. Or the economy. Whatever you want, really.

The Maltese Falcons (Bobert)
Projected finish: 2501.33 pts (1st place)
Actual finish: 2039.08 pts (10th place)
NFL equivalent: Houston Texans
Bob’s Super Bowl expectations blew up early, much like the Texans’ season. But he can’t be too upset, since his team’s demise was largely lead by QB Robert Griffin’s sad season. Bad for the Racial Slurs, good for Bob’s Philly rooting interests. Way to take one for the team.

Cheatstrong (ChampMike) 
Projected finish: 2486.41 pts (2nd place)
Actual finish: 2057.89 pts (9th place)
NFL equivalent: Hotlanta Falcons
Geez, did I get any predictions right? Another Super Bowl/ Awesome Cup pre-season favorite goes up in flames. Mike’s problem was mostly apathy, since he clearly didn’t set his roster for weeks. But Andy Reid forgot to coach his team after a 9-0 start, and they still finished strong, right? Wait, they went 2-5 at the end? Damn.

Bad like Congress (Jim)
Projected finish: 2001.03 pts (9th place)
Actual finish: 2082.82 pts (8th place)
NFL equivalent: The House Republicans
Finally, a team finishes around where I thought. I can’t really figure out where things went wrong for Jim, so I can only assume his team decided to take October off without any real plan of how to secure victory. It’s either that or QB Colin Kapernick was a complete let-down this year.

Show me your TDs (Ant)
Projected finish: 1864.55 pts (11th place)
Actual finish: 2108.78 pts (7th place)
NFL equivalent: Cleveland Browns
Not much was expected of the 2011 Awesome Cup champion, so give Anthony credit for what he achieved this year: mediocrity. Like the Browns, Anthony’s squad wasn’t the worst, but was just generally boring. And isn’t that a worse crime than being terrible? At least the really bad Cleveland Indians teams became the basis for “Major League.”

Gettin' Chippy (Jo)
Projected finish: 1999.29 pts (10th place)
Actual finish: 2144.27 pts (6th place)
NFL equivalent: New Jersey Giants
Jo is gonna blame this mediocre finish on QB Tom Brady’s sub-par season, but that’s a cop-out. She had the league’s leading rusher (LeSean McCoy, thank you very much) and a stable of decent TEs. A good coach finds a way to win with that. A bad coach sits around and watches a dopey QB drag the whole team down. Wait, am I talking about Jo or Tom Coughlin?

I mildly like WRs (Paul)
Projected finish: 2146.77 pts (6th place)
Actual finish: 2314.66 pts (5th place)
NFL equivalent: Detroit Lions
Paul’s team stumbled, but like the Lions, you can’t blame his beloved (or mildly beliked) receivers. Brandon Marshall, Demaryius Thomas, Marques Colston, Jarrett Boykin -- if this were a real team, he’d be set. But Adrian Peterson’s off year and his thin RB corps doomed him to a pathetic, objectionable, would-have-been-in-a-different-league’s-playoffs, fifth-place finish.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Projected finish: 2079.56 pts (8th place)
Actual finish: 2327.88 pts (4th place)
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals
Jeff managed to crack the top five despite making only a single roster move this season. Imagine how he would have finished if he had been trying. Personally, I think what really held him back was having a Dallas RB on his roster. Despite good statistics, those guys always choke down the stretch.

Sheldon Cooper (Dad)
Projected finish: 2200.08 pts (4th place)
Actual finish: 2370.72 pts (3rd place)
NFL equivalent: Chicago Bears
Poor Dad -- he grabs the best fantasy player of the last 30 years (QB Peyton Manning and his insane 520-plus pts) but still only manages a distant third place. Granted, he had no decent wideouts or running backs and had to rely on Denver’s sieve of a defense, but that’s no excuse. This is a league that’s based on offense. That’s why only four of the last 25 teams to average more than 30 points a game have won the Super Bowl.

III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome)
Projected finish: 2321.21 pts (3rd place)
Actual finish: 2457.67 pts (2nd place)
NFL equivalent: Seattle Seahawks
In another year, totaling just shy of 2500 pts would be enough to win the title. Mark that down as another reason why 2013 stunk. I overcame QB Aaron Rodgers’ injury, grabbed QB Nick Foles and the league-leading Seattle D off the wire, and coached my makeshift WR corps of TY Hilton and Wes Welker to near glory. But this league follows “Talledega Nights” rules -- if you’re not first, you’re last -- so I did no better than everyone but the champ. Except, you know, I did way better than most of you.

Kickers Rule (Sam)
Projected finish: 2106.41 pts (7th place)
Actual finish: 2603.94 pts (1st place)
NFL equivalent: Denver Broncos
Both Sam and Denver set new team scoring records this season. But while Denver did it the easy way -- assembling a strong team from undervalued free agents and solid draft picks -- Sam did it the smart way: dumb luck. RBs Jamaal Charles and Matt Forte topped the league, QB Cam Newton piled up the points, the KC defense fell in his lap, and he laughed all the way to the top. Not too bad for someone who could only name about six NFL players at the start of the season.

Congrats, Sam. You name has been etched among the legends of the league.

Thanks again to everyone for participating this year. I'm not sure if you all stick around because you enjoy playing or because you enjoy me making fun of you playing, but either way I appreciate it. Let's do it again in eight months. 

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 17 recap

 

Every year, around this time, there’s a wonderful spirit of kindness and brotherhood that spreads throughout the country. We all come from different backgrounds, different beliefs, different colors, but we unite in the same spirit of togetherness and community. It’s a beautiful, serene experience.

I’m talking, of course, about the final Dallas game of the year.

The Cowboys completed the NFC East trifecta on Sunday night, losing the division title in their final contest for the third year in a row. And they did it with three different teams: in 2011 it was the Giants; in 2012, the Maryland Racial Slurs; and this year, the beloved Eagles.

Last year, Philly and New Jersey fans put aside their differences to root for the Maryland team. Two years ago, you could feel the love from Philly and the DC suburbs pushing the G-Men to victory. And last night, the whole East Coast felt united in Brotherly Love behind another soul-crushing defeat of Dallas.

The Cowboys’ final-day choke comes but once a year, but if we truly believe in the magic of that game, we can keep that feeling in our hearts all year round.
  Top fantasy performers of the year

3rd QB: Andy Dalton, 354.64 pts -- 16th QB drafted (me)
2nd QB: Drew Brees, 435.68 pts -- 2nd QB drafted (Ant)
1st QB: Peyton Manning, 520.98 pts -- 3rd QB drafted (Dad)
First QB drafted? Aaron Rodgers, by me. I dropped Dalton early and kept the Packers QB, who ended up 23rd in pts, behind Geno Smiith. Smart play.

3rd WR: Brandon Marshall, 262.17 pts -- 5th WR drafted (Paul)
2nd WR: Demaryius Thomas, 272.33 pts -- 6th WR drafted (Paul)
1st WR: Antonio Brown, 274.43 pts -- 21st WR drafted (Jeff)
I guess Paul gets to keep his “I love WRs” team name next year…

3rd RB: LeSean McCoy, 313.13 pts -- 3rd RB drafted (Jo)
2nd RB: Matt Forte, 319.50 pts -- 12th RB drafted (Sam)
1st RB: Jamaal Charles, 356.90 pts -- 9th RB drafted (Sam)
Doug Martin and Arian Foster looked like such good top five picks in September…

3rd TE: Julius Thomas, 189.53 pts -- 20th TE drafted (Sam)
2nd TE: Tony Gonzalez, 190.77 pts -- 3rd TE drafted (me)
1st TE: Jimmy Graham, 264.50 pts -- 1st TE drafted (Dad)
Catching a theme yet? Sam got great production this year from late draft picks.

3rd K: Justin Tucker, 162.00 pts -- 6th K drafted (Dad)
2nd K: Matt Prater, 170.00 pts -- 5th K drafted (Mike)
1st K: Stephen Gotkowski, 179.00 pts -- 3rd K drafted (me)
We did surprisingly good drafting kickers. Usually the top guys end up being undrafted schlubs.

3rd DEF: Kansas City, 229.00 pts -- undrafted
2nd DEF: Carolina, 230.00 pts -- undrafted
1st DEF: Seattle, 239.00 pts -- 1st DEF drafted (Paul)
And Paul turned around and dumped the Seattle D two weeks into the season. Thanks!

3rd D: Lavonte David, 92.00 pts -- undrafted
2nd D: NaVarrow Bowman, 96.50 pts -- undrafted
1st D: Karlos Dansby, 103.50 pts -- undrafted
Honestly, I can’t remember the last time we did draft one of these guys.

“End of the year” edition
4th place: Luke McCown, -0.40 pts
3rd place: Charlie Whitehurst, -0.50 pts
2nd place: Matt Moore, -1.88 pts
1st place: Curtis Painter, -1.92 pts

All backup QBs on the final loser list, but Painter’s interception in the waning moments of Sunday’s meaningless Giants win allowed him to jump below Moore for the season title.

With the crown comes fame, fortune, and the knowledge that even though he threw for only 57 yards and two INTs on the year, Painter still had a better season than Eli Manning’s 27-INT campaign. His 69.4 QB rating was good for 39th in the league (among QBs with 100-plus attempts), and could have slumped lower if he didn’t leave Sunday’s game early with an ankle injury.

Never change, little Eli. Never change.


Before last week’s Military Bowl (featuring 9-4 Marshall vs. 7-5 Maryland), ESPN ran a promo defending the ridiculous slate of post-season college games. “They matter, because they matter to them” it stated, referring to the dozens of relatively unknown (and likely undraftable) players who get one last chance to take the field as college athletes.

And that’s fine. Hell, I love me some extra college football. But let’s be honest about what it is: A participation trophy for all the little leaguers who don’t win.

There are 35 bowl games this year. Of the 70 teams featured, 16 have seven wins or fewer. No one is watching the Beef O Brady’s Bowl or the Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl (both real) for the beauty of competition. It’s a gold star for the kids who finished in the top 70.

Congrats to the San Diego Chargers, who just barely reached the playoffs this year but are a shoo-in to hold up the Lombardi trophy in a few weeks. Why? Just look at the last few years of Eagles history for the answer:

2009 Philly home opener: 48-22 loss to the Saints
2009 Super Bowl: Saints win, 31-17

2010 Philly home opener: 27-20 loss to the Packers
2010 Super Bowl: Packers win, 31-25

2011 Philly home opener: 29-16 loss to the Giants
2011 Super Bowl: Giants win, 21-17

2012 Philly home opener: 24-23 win over the Ravens
2012 Super Bowl: Ravens win, 34-31

2013 Philly home opener: 33-30 loss to the Chargers
2013 Super Bowl: ???

Seems pretty obvious that San Diego will be hoisting the trophy soon enough. Of course, maybe the other team to play in that Philadelphia home opener gets to sneak in this year...


After another sad regular season finish for America’s team, is there a better way to close out another year of insult anagrams than with the Dallas squad’s plans for January? I think not, because even in the off-season, these folks are pure evil.

Dallas Cowboys players, coaches preparing for the postseason
** Plans are golf practice, cosy booth, sleep, spa days, arson, whores

I don’t write them, folks. I just rearrange the letters.


** I went 14-1 in my picks this week, triumphantly storming back and tying Dad in our weekly contest with just a single game left on the schedule (thanks to some creative picks from Dad). Sadly, that left the Eagles/Dallas game as a tiebreaker, and Dad took the under on the 52.5 over/under line to win the tiebreaker and the season.

That gives Dad a lifetime record in the picks of … (checks his files) … you know what, that’s not important. Onto the playoffs.

** The Broncos scored 606 points this season, a new NFL record. At the other end of the offensive spectrum, the Jaguars have scored 607 points in their last 37 games combined.

** ESPN hired Tim Tebow to talk about college football. Now ESPN is going to be able to cover itself covering football, because everything Tebow does is newsworthy. It’s called making your own news.


Week 17 Standings and the awarding of the Awesome Cup will be unveiled tomorrow.

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 16 recap

What noteable NFLers are asking for Christmas this year:

** Eagles QB Nick Foles: More sleeping pills, so he never wakes up from this wonderful dream of a season.
** Cowboys WR Dez Bryant: No More Tears bath wash.
** Lions WR Calvin Johnson: About a dozen more competent teammates.
** Chiefs coach Andy Reid: A sandwich.
** Giants QB Eli Manning: A Dopey Dwarf mask, so he could look less dopey. (What a dope.)
** Patriots QB Tom Brady: A soul.
** Eagles coach Chip Kelly: His first win in Dallas Stadium, which would be his first against the Cowboys, which would be his first division title, which would be soooo awesome.
** Cowboys owner Jerry Jones: More puppy blood to drink

QB: Peyton Manning, 40.00 pts -- started by Dad
WR: Eric Decker, 30.73 pts -- started by Jim
RB: LeSean McCoy, 33.23 pts -- started by Jo
TE: Julius Thomas, 17.20 pts -- started by Sam
K: Josh Brown, 15.00 pts -- started by Joel
DEF: New England, 30.00 pts -- on Mike’s bench
D: Vincent Rey, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Yeah, yeah -- Peyton is great. On Sunday he broke the NFL single-season record for TD passes (51), and he’s just 265 yards shy of the season record for that too. But crazier is the gap between him and second place, QB Drew Brees. The Saints’ signal caller has 16 fewer TDs on the year, 430 fewer passing yards, and 97 fewer fantasy pts. That’s a ridiculous gap. For comparison, Bears QB Jay Cutler (who has battled injuries) only has 17 TDs on the year.

It’s a historic season for Manning, and one that surely will be marked by another disappointing playoff exit. In the last 29 years, the AFC’s #1 seed has only won the Super Bowl twice.

“Getting defensive” edition
2nd place (tie): Minnesota, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place (tie): Chicago, -2.00 pts -- started by Joanner
1st place: Houston, -5.00 pts -- on Joel’s bench

Houston’s defense has among the worst fantasy stats of the year (5.9 pts a week) but the Minnesota defense is currently the worst of the lot. They’ve posted just 81 pts on the year (5.4 pts a week) and 18 of those came on kick return TDs.

Chicago’s poor showing this week probably has something to do with those 54 points they surrendered to the Eagles on Sunday night. Probably.

On the local DC Monday morning radio show, analyst Kevin Sheehan tried to nail down what Maryland Racial Slurs QB Kirk Cousins was missing on the final drive of Sunday’s loss to the Cowboys. His conclusion:

“The last four plays, they needed a playmaker to make some plays, and he didn’t.”

If only their first-string starter, Robert Griffin, was in play, then maybe he could have played playmaker for a few plays.

One week left, but still plenty of football left to watch and ponder. Consider:

** Will the Rams get the #1 draft pick?
-- The Texans, at 2-13, have the worst record in the league. But if they beat the Titans on Sunday, and the Racial Slurs lose again, the Maryland squad gets the top pick … except they already gave it to the Rams in the Robert Griffin trade. With their own 7-8 record, they could have two top-10 picks.

** Can the Cardinals win 11 games and miss the playoffs?
-- It’s only happened twice before, and both times in the AFC. But, thanks to key tiebreakers, if both the Cardinals and Saints win, Arizona will have their highest regular season win total and no post-season to show for it.

** Can the Packers or Vikings get a tie?
-- No team has posted two ties in a season since the NFL added overtime, but Green Bay and Minnesota have a chance to do so this season. FYI, if the Bears and Packers tie in that winner-take-all NFC North game, Chicago heads to the post-season.

** Can every AFC wild-card hopeful miss the playoffs?
-- Simply put, none of the contenders control their own destiny, thanks again to tiebreakers. Dolphins need a win and a Ravens or Chargers loss. The Chargers need a win and a Baltimore and Dolphines loss. The Ravens need a win and a Dolphins or Chargers loss. And if all three lose, the Steelers can win and get in the playoffs. All this to lose to the Bengals in the first round…


Early indications are that Cowboys superstar QB Tony Romo won’t be available to play in Sunday’s winner-take-all game because of his chronic sucking … I mean back pain, his chronic back pain. In his place will be the only other QB on the Dallas roster for most of the year, 10-year pro Kyle Orton, who has only 12 completions over the last two years (but 1 TD pass!). How will this turn out? I think we all know the answer…

Kyle Orton’s emergency start in Dallas
** No entry, no mercy. Eagles kill sad tarts

FYI, this is the third year in a row that the Cowboys head into week 17 with a playoff spot on the line. In 2011, they lost to the New Jersey Giants and missed the post-season. In 2012, they lost to the Maryland team and missed the post-season. This year…?

** Picked up two more games on Dad this week, which leaves me down a touchdown again with just a week left. If I score, I’m going for two.

** NBC made sure to mention that Eagles fans once booed Santa Claus during the game on Sunday. One night later, ESPN made sure to mention that there was an earthquake in San Francisco in 1988, just before a baseball game was supposed to start. So, just remember that it’s nothing personal. These producers are just idiots, and they can only remember one thing about a city.

** FYI, the trade deadline for this league was four weeks ago. If your plan was to get a last-minute move to propel your squad to victory, you’re worse at end-of-game strategy than Andy Reid.

Week 16 standings

1 -- the american way (Sam) -- 2467.87 pts
2 -- III-time Champion (Capt Awesome) -- 2310.03 pts
3 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 2231.98 pts
4 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 2226.11 pts
5 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 2195.42 pts
6 -- Gettin' Chippy (Joanner) -- 2019.92 pts
7 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 1971.98 pts
8 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 1969.02 pts
9 -- Cheatstrong (Mike) -- 1936.56 pts
10 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 1890.52 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 1680.05 pts

So you’re saying there’s a chance…

With one week left, my team is within 157 pts of Sam. If I hang up a 200 this week and his team only scores 40 combined … look, it could happen.

Meanwhile, less than 40 pts separates third place from fifth, which is important for draft position next year (maybe) and personal pride (almost certainly not). Anthony and Jim could still catch Joanna for the middle spot in the league, and Joel … well, someone has to be the Houston Texans in the final recap.

One week left, folks. Finish strong.

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 15 recap

After a few solid weeks of football, the NFC East completely fell apart on Sunday, going 0-4 with four sloppy losses. Here’s a look at who had it the worst:

4 -- Maryland Racial Slurs, 27-26 loss to Atlanta
Pain rating: One Eli face
Sure, it was the Slurs’ sixth loss in a row, and they had an incredible seven turnovers. But this could have been a tie if not for the decision to go for two (and the win) in the last minute, and that would have been much more painful.

3 -- Philadelphia Eagles, 48-30 loss to Minnesota
Pain rating: Two Eli faces
The road-favorite, sudden hot Eagles couldn’t manage a first half TD and never lead in the game, even though the Vikings #1 and #2 RBs were hurt and the team is on its third starting QB. Eagles QB Nick Foles outrushed RB LeSean McCoy -- the league’s leading rusher -- 41 to 38 yds.

2 -- Dallas Cowboys, 37-36 loss to Green Bay
Pain rating: Three Eli faces
Given a chance to reclaim first place in the East, Cowboys QB Tony Romo threw two late-fourth-quarter INTs and helped the Packers overcome a 23-point deficit. Dallas is 0-2 in December this year and 12-19 for the month with Romo as QB.

1 -- New York Giants, 23-0 loss to Seattle
Pain rating: Five Eli faces
Two-time Super Bowl QB Eli Manning, the #1 pick in the 2004 draft, threw five interceptions in the shutout loss to the Seahawks and posted a QB rating of terrible. The Giants totaled a mere 181 yards of offense, officially eliminating themselves from the playoffs and guaranteeing a losing record this season.

QB: Alex Smith, 41.68 pts -- on Jeff’s bench
WR: DeSean Jackson, 29.02 pts -- started by Sam
RB: Jamaal Charles, 53.00 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Tim Wright, 18.47 pts -- started by Jim
K: Dan Bailey, 24.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Seattle, 29.00 pts -- started by me
D: Captain Munnerlyn, 14.50 pts -- on the wire

Charles ridiculous five-TD day was only the third highest fantasy performance of the season (Peyton Manning and Foles got seven TDs in a game, remember?) but it was the highest score by a non-QB in the league since Tampa Bay RB Doug Martin’s 54.5 pts performance in November 2012 (251 yds rushing, 4 TDs, plus a bunch of catches).

Nearly all of Charles’ points came in the air -- he had 8 catches for 195 yards and 4 TDs. Including Jackson, who posted the same receiving yards as Charles, Sam’s team totaled 36 catches for 629 yds and 8 TDs, roughly equivalent to Chiefs WR Dwayne Bowe’s fantasy production for the year (52 catches, 627 yds, 5 TDs).

“NFC Least” edition
3rd place: Philadelphia, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Dallas, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Eli Manning, -3.76 pts -- on the wire

A week after we had the worst defensive fantasy performances of year, we get the worst offensive turnout imaginable. Eli’s five INTs and no TDs turned into a remarkably large negative number, especially for a starter who played all four quarters. The only QB performance in the last 10 years I can find that was worse was by Rex Grossman in December 2006, when his Bears played the Packers and he totaled -4.68 pts (33 yds passing, 3 INTs).

Eli has a whopping 25 INTs this season. For comparison, Romo, Foles, Eagles QB Mike Vick and Slurs QB Robert Griffin have 26 INTs combined on the year. Eli has a chance to become the first QB in 25 years to throw 30 or more INTs (Vinny Testaverde,with 35 for the Jets in 1988) , but he’ll need to work on it to get to that plateau with only two weeks left.

In fact, in the last 25 years, a QB has only thrown 25 or more INTs eight times. New York’s Testaverde and New York’s Eli account for half of those seasons, each having accomplished the feat twice.

In summary, Eli sucks.


During Saturday’s Army-Navy game, CBS commentator Verne Lundquist noted that the service academies are two of the most disciplined and least penalized teams in the nation … right as Army was flagged 15 years on a personal foul call. Nice timing.

For the record, Army finished with four penalties for 50 yards, and only five completions for 50 passing yards on offense.

Sports Illustrated made its playoffs and Super Bowl picks way back at the start of September. Here’s a look at how they did:

Hits
-- Picked the Broncos to win the AFC West, #2 seed (#1 seed today)
-- Picked the Patriots to win the AFC East, #1 seed (#2 seed today)
-- Picked the Colts to win the AFC South, #4 seed (#3 seed today)
-- Picked the Bengals to win the AFC North, #3 seed (#4 seed today)
-- Picked the Ravens to make the wild card (#6 seed today)
-- Picked the 49ers, Saints and Seahwaks to make the playoffs (all in today)

Misses
-- Picked the Giants to win the NFC East (12th in NFC today)
-- Picked the Falcons to win the NFC South (15th in NFC today)
-- Picked the Texans to make the wild card (16th in the AFC today)

Push
-- Picked the Packers to win the NFC North (3rd now, 1/2 game back)

Honestly, I saved this issue because I thought I’d roast them later, but this is pretty good. If they hit on eight of the 12 playoff teams, I’m gonna have to put money down on their Super Bowl pick (Patriots over Seahawks).

However, their award picks fell a little short. Tom Brady for MVP? Robert Griffin for comeback player of the year? Sean Payton for coach of the year? Chris Johnson for offensive player of the year? Not good there.
Another December game, another late pick by Dallas QB Tony Romo that loses the game. Who could have even seen that coming?

The anagrammers, that’s who.

Cowboys Tony Romo, playing with the lead in the fourth
** Humor: Fat interception. Toy boys, they will go down. Hah!

I’m gonna be so sad when Tony “Toy Moron” Romo retires.


** Down nine to Dad now, thanks to another bad week of picks. With just a pair of weeks left until the playoffs, I’m gonna need a Hail Mary to pull this one out. And then a field goal after that too.

** For those of you scoring at home, six of the eight division leaders lost this week (Eagles, Broncos, Patriots, Lions, Bengals, Saints). Nothing like seeing everyone get hot right before the playoffs.

Week 15 standings

1 -- the american way (Sam) -- 2340.79 pts
2 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 2157.18 pts
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 2117.10 pts
4 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 2079.05 pts
5 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 2074.28 pts
6 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1910.93 pts
7 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 1855.23 pts
8 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 1834.26 pts
9 -- Cheatstrong (Mike) -- 1812.01 pts
10 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 1798.81 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 1565.98 pts

Dammit, Sam. I had my best week of the year and still fell 20 pts further behind the league leader. Sam posted yet another 200-plus pts week (go check out those top performers again) and has an almost insurmountable lead in the standings. But, maybe his team gets hit by a bus or something.

If you’ve got a speech that will inspire your team to a 500-pts outing, now’s the time to pull it out. Only two weeks left until the Awesome Cup is awarded.

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 14 recap

** Sunday’s Eagles/Lions game was the first time in 56 years that an NFL game has gone without a FG or an extra point being scored, thanks to the six-inches of snow that fell during the game, making the field unkickable. Amazingly, you wouldn’t know that from the final score: 34-20, which -- thanks to some two-point conversions and misses -- looks like a totally normal game.

** Related to that: On Sunday, Broncos K Matt Prater booted a record-breaking 64-yard FG in Denver. Across the country, former record holder -- Lions K David Akers -- had a chip-shot extra point blocked in the Lions loss because of the snow.

** Two games on Sunday featured a punt return TD and kick return TD by the same team: the Lions and the Chiefs, who played on a snow-covered field in Maryland against the Racial Slurs.

** The wind chill in Chicago for Monday night’s game was -15 F at points -- cold enough that several pictures of fans’ beers freezing over have been circulating on social media. But those fans were warmed by seeing their cold-weather home team upset the Cowboys, who are now 12-17 in December during the Tony Romo era.

** In that 45-10 Chiefs win, the disgusted Maryland fans started throwing snowballs -- at their own team. Nothing like a little inclement weather to draw out their true colors.

QB: Josh McCown, 47.52 pts -- on the wire
WR: Marques Colston, 29.33 pts -- started by Paul
RB: LeSean McCoy, 34.97 pts -- started by Jo
TE: Charles Clay, 25.47 pts -- on Mike’s bench
K: Matt Prater, 17.00 pts -- started by Mike
DEF: Kansas City, 28.00 pts -- started by Sam
D: John Abraham, 16.50 pts -- on the wire

McCown, in five starts and two backup appearances, has more fantasy pts on the year (161) than supposed Bears starting QB Jay Cutler (145) had in eight starts. Just saying.


“Unlucky Dad" edition
3rd place: Washington, -4.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place:(Tie) Tennessee, -6.00 pts -- on Dad’s bench
1st place:(Tie) Indianapolis, -6.00 pts -- started by Dad

Six defenses ended up in negative territory this week, but none could have done worse than Dad’s pair of defensive options. Both the Titans and Colts bottomed out this week, allowing more than 40 pts (42 for Indy, 51 for Tenny) without recording a single sack, turnover, or positive play. That’s the first time this season we’ve seen the nix-six (I’m trademarking that) and it came on a day where Dad was going to make the wrong choice no matter what D he went with. Kinda poetic, actually.


Saturday night’s Big Ten Championship game was awful to watch (four straight QB runs, Urban Meyer? A fourth, when the first three weren’t successful?) and Fox color commentator Charles Davis did everything he could to make it worse.

In the third, with the Buckeyes up a few despite the offense still sputtering, Ohio State managed to break off a few nice runs. Davis announced that “Right now, Urban Meyer is telling his coaches that he only wants to see two men with the ball: (QB Braxton) Miller and (RB Carlos) Hyde. Nobody else.”

This was stupid on several levels. One, it was obvious: the team was calling twice as many running plays as passing plays, because the passing game wasn’t working. And up until that point only Hyde and Miller had rushed the ball in the game. Not a difficult prediction.

Except, of course, Davis had no idea what Meyer was thinking/planning, and was just simply barking names he saw in front of him. As soon as he said that, Miller handed off the ball to RB Jordan Hall, who broke off a 13-yard run for his only carry of the game.

It was the perfect illustration of what little insight the guys in the booth have during the game. Sadly, Davis was not fired on the spot.

On Monday night, in the Bears victory over the Cowboys, Chicago RB Michael Bush caught a swing pass and sprinted 20 yds for a touchdown. It was the 100th TD of the NFL weekend, setting a new weekly scoring record for the league. Here’s a look at why scoring is up this year:

** New NFL rules award two TDs for every pass interference penalty.

** Chip Kelly and his genius new offensive schemes, of course.

** Drugs? It’s probably drugs.

** The NFC North forgot to field any defenses this year.

** NFL got a good deal on touchdowns when they bought them in bulk over the summer.

** Peyton Manning, mostly.


The football season is 17 weeks long, but the Cowboys have almost three times than many players on the roster, so I don’t get to take a close look at each of them in this weekly anagram research. So, this week I decided to look at some of the newest Dallas faces I haven’t yet profiled, and see if there’s any common thread.

Rookie Cameron Lawrence
** A weak relic, moron. Encore!

Rookie Terrance Williams
** A clearer wit: I like morons

Rookie Jakar Hamilton
** Hark, I lit! A joke, a moron

Rookie William Wilson Webb
** I be a moron, below kiwi swill

I dunno … nothing sticks out. These guys all just kinda seem like morons.


** Split the picks with Dad this week, still down a touchdown with three weeks left in the season. Getting ready to channel my inner Shady McCoy and break off some impressive fourth-quarter heroics to speed by him for the victory.

** Boy, that final Eagles/Cowboys game looks bigger every week.

Week 14 standings

1 -- the american way (Sam) -- 2135.60 pts
2 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 1972.47 pts
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1957.75 pts
4 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 1950.16 pts
5 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 1902.05 pts
6 -- Gettin' Chippy (Joanner) -- 1756.42 pts
7 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 1719.93 pts
8 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 1717.75 pts
9 -- Cheatstrong (Mike) -- 1691.30 pts
10 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 1680.24 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 1485.52 pts

Another week, another 200 pts for Sam. He’s starting to roll the league now. I’m in second and 163 pts back -- with three weeks left, he might be able to bench his entire team to prep for the playoffs.

Sam’s also on pace to set a new record for single-season fantasy points for the “Who Needs Linebackers” league (2,545 pts, set by me all the way back in 2005). Right now, he’s about 400 pts away, and on pace to top 2,700 pts. If he managed that feat, his payout for winning the league gets doubled.

Meanwhile, everyone else -- you stink. You haven’t even topped 2,000 pts yet. Remember: If you’re not first, you’re last. Well, you’re near last, at least. Joel is definitely still last.

Fantasy League 2013 -- week 13 recap

Now that QB Nick Foles has posted four straight exemplary performances as the Eagles starter, it’s time to ask whether he’s the greatest signal caller in Philadelphia history or the greatest QB of all time. Consider:

** He has thrown 19 TDs and zero INTs so far this season, putting him on pace for 570 TDs and zero INTs for the rest of his 30-year career.

** He is undefeated in his starts since Nov. 1 of this year -- Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Dan Marino and John Elway can’t say that.

** Since Foles’ record-tying 7 TD game last month, the Dow Industrial Average has risen more than 3 percent and topped 16,000 for the first time -- all on speculation of his greatness.

** In seven starts this year, Foles has thrown for three or more TDs four times. That’s an NFL record for QBs who look like Napoleon Dynamite.

** He is not Mike Vick.

Conclusion: Right now, Foles falls somewhere in between Jesus and Joe Montana. But, in another year, he might pass Joe too.

QB: Peyton Manning, 41.82 pts -- started by Dad
WR: Eric Decker, 44.10 pts -- started by Jim
RB: DeMarco Murray, 31.90 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Zach Ertz, 21.53 pts -- on the wire
K: Adam Vinatieri, 20.00 pts -- started by Sam
DEF: Detroit, 29.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Moran Burnett, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Just your typical fantasy week, with two wideouts topping 200 yards and neither one was the best of the week. Cleveland WR Josh Gordon had 10 catches for 261 yds/2 TDs, Bears WR Alshon Jeffery had 12 catches for 249 yds/2 TDs, but neither could match the 8-catch, 174-yds, 4-TDs line put up by Denver’s Decker.

Don’t feel too bad -- Vikings RB Adrian Peterson rushed for 211 and was only the sixth best at his position this week.

“Jets QBs” edition
3rd place: Mark Sanchez, 0.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: (Tie) Matt Simms, -0.64 pts -- on the wire
1st place: (Tie) Geno Smith, -0.64 pts -- on the wire

Sanchez, of course, has been on injured reserve all year, and yet he was the most valuable of the Jets QBs this week. In their 23-3 loss to the Dolphins, Simms played the second half and turned the ball over twice while amassing only 79 yards passing. But first-half QB Smith was even worse, completing just 4 passes for 28 yards and throwing a pick.

Those lines gave Simms a QB rating of 38.9 and Smith a rating of 8.3, both absurdly low figures. For comparison, when you went out back on Sunday and dropped the football once, your rating (0 completions for 0 yards with no TDs or INTs) was 39.5. And you were almost five times better than Smith.


With so many dumb things this week, I wanted to point out a surprisingly smart one.

During the FOX pregame show, the in-game analysts were asked to make predictions for the day. Jimmy Johnson predicted “The Smiths will have a bad day” (I think he meant KC’s QB Alex Smith and CB Sean Smith, but there are 41 other Smiths in the NFL, so…). Terry Bradshaw predicted that the Kansas City crowd “needs to step up today” (Not a prediction at all).

Michael Strahan predicted that the Eagles TEs “would have a big day.” Three TE TDs later during the Eagles game, I was stunned. That has to be the first intelligent thing he has said in the last decade.

I don’t know what scout put those words in Strahan’s mouth, but he deserves a raise. Maybe get the money by firing the guy who thought “the crowd needs to cheer” was a prediction.

Alabama’s last-second loss to Auburn opened the door for Ohio State to walk into the national championship game next month, provided they can win the Big Ten title with a win over #10 Michigan State on Saturday. This, of course, is horrible, because Ohio State played an incredibly soft schedule and their likely January opponent -- Florida State -- established themselves as a premiere program by … playing a slightly less soft schedule. Consider:

-- Games against top 25 teams (at time of game)
Florida State 3, Ohio State 2

-- Games against top 25 teams (as of now)
Florida State 1, Ohio State 2

-- Strength of schedule
Florida State 42, Ohio State 52

-- Conference rankings (per ESPN)
Florida State 5, Ohio State 4

To get to the championship game, FSU will have to beat a 20th-ranked, two-loss Duke team that has beaten no teams currently ranked in the top 25. And the national experts will still complain that Ohio State is the team that is unworthy of unseating a one-loss SEC team for the championship.

Because, logic. That’s why.


In early November, the Cowboys front office realized they were thin on defensive line depth, so they signed DT Corvey Irvin. I wonder if he has any relation to Michael “I eat children” Irvin of the 1990s Dallas squads?

Only one way to find out …

** Third-string defensive tackle Corvey Irvin
Dry thirst, conniving fever -- I eat kids. Clever!

Yep, same kind of guy. Amazing they can find so many cannibals.


** Picked up all three games Dad and I picked different this week, so I now sit only seven back in the weekly standings. Special thanks to Minnesota for winning in overtime this week, instead of just playing for a tie. Try to get this whole late-season surge out of your system before the Eagles game comes up.

** Jo just pointed out that if the Saints play the Giants next year, Hakeem Nicks (NY WR) could be lined up against Akiem Hicks (NO DE). I think she needs to get out more.

** Did anyone buy a car on Black Friday? When did that become an after Thanksgiving impulse buy?

Week 13 standings

1 -- the american way (Sam) -- 1934.77 pts
2 -- III-time Champion (Capt. Awesome) -- 1843.53 pts
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1817.15 pts
4 -- Sheldon Cooper (Dad) -- 1811.41 pts
5 -- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) -- 1791.83 pts
6 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1621.82 pts
7 -- Bad like Congress (Jim) -- 1612.43 pts
8 -- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) -- 1586.36 pts
9 -- Cheatstrong (ChampMike) -- 1568.21 pts
10 -- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) -- 1558.42 pts
11 -- Timmy and The Jets (Joel) -- 1351.24 pts

Mike hasn’t been trying at all this season, so of course his team posts only the second 200-plus -pts total in league history this week. He made Jeff (182 pts) and Dad (165 pts) and Joanna (161 pts) look pathetic in comparison.

But with four weeks left to go, Sam still holds onto a comfortable lead. Maybe if Mike was trying all season long, he’d give him a decent run for his money.

(For clarification -- there is still no money involved with winning this league.)