2010 fantasy recap, week 7

Since there won't be a victorious singing of "High Hopes" at the end of this baseball season, I thought I'd lessen the blow with a happy, parting baseball thought from Randy Miller's recently released biography of Harry Kalas. Here's the close of Harry's Hall of Fame induction speech:

This is to the Philadelphia fan
To laud your passion as best I can
Your loyalty is unsurpassed
Be the Fightins in first or last
We come to the park each day
Looking forward to another fray
Because we know you'll be there
We know you really care
You give the opposing pitcher fits
Because, as one loyalist shouts, "everybody hits!"
To be sure, in Philly, there might be some boos
Because you passionate fans, like the manager, hate to lose
Your reaction to the action on the field that you impart
Spurs us broadcasters to call the game with enthusiasm and heart
We feel your passion through and through
Philadelphia fans, I love you

QB: Ryan Fitzpatrick, 36.96 pts -- sitting on the wire
RB: Darren McFadden, 44.57 pts -- sitting on Jim's bench
WR: Kenny Britt, 40.50 pts -- started by Jim
TE: Todd Heap, 18.93 pts -- sitting on Jeff's bench
K: Olindo Mare, 18.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
DEF: Washington, 28.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
D: DeAngelo Williams, 19.50 pts -- sitting on the wire

Remember last week, when I say we all did a terrible job starting the right players? Nevermind. Keep reading...

"Skill players" edition
3rd Place: Mike Thomas, -1.02 pts -- started by Anthony
2nd Place: Jason Wright, -2.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
1st Place: Max Hall, -2.56 pts -- sitting on the wire

Max Hall, our favorite gym air conditioner setting, makes his second appearance on this list, and Anthony's shrewd player management skills led him to start three WRs who together totaled just 3.69 pts this week. But he was in good company with the poor fantasy strategy this week.

Jim cost himself 42 points with one poor RB decision and started an injured kicker. I cost myself 27 pts with one bad WR move. Joanna started a kicker and a defensive player on a bye. Paul forgot to start a second defensive player altogether.

We're almost at the halfway point of the season, players. Let's get it in gear already.

On Monday the New York Football Giants dismantled the Cowboys, raising their record to 5-2 (and dropping their rivals to a beautiful 1-5). That's tied for the best mark in the NFC. On Tuesday ESPN analyst Matt Millen called them "clearly the best team in the conference." Here's why they're not:

** QB Eli Manning leads the NFC in TD passes (14) but also in interceptions (11). He has also lost four fumbles so far this year, and his QB rating puts him just behind Seneca Wallace and just before Chad Henne in passing efficiency.

** Those five wins? Three came against teams with just one win on the season (Lions, Panthers and Cowboys). Another came against the Bears, when Chicago had two QBs injured in the game.

** The Giants boast the #2 defense in the league, as measured by yards surrendered. But in terms of points, they're in the bottom half of the league, with the 18th ranked D.

** If Matt Millen says you're a great team, you definitely suck.

On Saturday, during the Auburn/LSU game, the CBS announcers could barely contain their giddiness from the opening kickoff:

"It's a beautiful day here as the Tigers take on the Tigers."
"After that score, the Tigers lead 7-0 over the Tigers."
"Boy, the Tigers defense is really taking it to the Tigers offense so far."

I only listened to the first quarter. I got it. Both teams have the same nickname. It's a unbelievable hilarious coincidence. I haven't checked for sure, but I imagine it only happens EVERY YEAR since there are seven FBS schools who are named the Tigers (There are also four Wildcats, three Cougars, and a pair of Cowboys, Broncos, and Bears, oh my.)

Maybe, instead of laughing at their originality, next time they could just announce the game. Thanks.

And, again, for the record, everything Tim McCarver said during the NLCS was stupider than that, but if I retyped it and allowed you to read it, I could be brought up on endangerment charges.

The NFL announced last week it will crack down on hard hits, in an effort to improve safety for the players during games. Here's a list of other possible rule changes to ensure that players won't suffer long-term effects because of dangerous field conditions:

** To help players will possible heart conditions, no one will be allowed to look directly at Brad Childress' ugly face.

** To ensure that weaker players aren't injured, the Rams will no longer be allowed to play with the rest of the league.

** To preserve players mental faculties, Joe Buck will no longer be allowed to announce games.

** To prevent the damnation of all players' souls, no players will be allowed to sign with the Cowboys ... unless it's Brett Favre. He has already sold his soul to the devil.


You can learn a lot about a football team by looking at the big guys up front. So, when you examine Dallas' starting offensive guards closely, what do you find?

Cowboys right guard Leonard Davis
** Braggart disavows children. Do you? **

Cowboys left guard Montrae Holland
** Troll dreams an ungodly batch of woe **

You know, "vile" is an anagram for "evil." And any other way you arrange Cowboys players names, they're still vile and evil.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.


Another giant week for Bob (spurred by the three New York Giants on his team) vaults him way into first place. The gap between him and second is about the same as the gap between second and seventh. But he'll get his when his bye weeks come up soon.

** I dropped another one to Dad (thanks, Minnesota) and now sit back two in the yearly picks. On the plus side, I did pick the Tampa Bay game right for the first time all year.

** For the record, I ridiculed the Panthers in this column last week, and they responded by going out and getting their first win of the season. Good for them. That's the kind of moxie that can turn a 3-13 season into a 5-11 campaign. Go get 'em, guys!

2010 fantasy recap, week 6

The Philles just dropped their second game of the NLCS to the Giants tonight, giving themselves an uphill climb for a third straight World Series berth. That's not good, but it's also not reason to give up all hope yet. Consider:

Panic: The Giants have already beaten both P Roy Halladay and P Cole Hamels.

Don't Panic: The Giants will have to face Halladay at least once more before the series is over, and he lost back-to-back starts only once since the All Star break.

Panic: The Phillies offense seems non-existent, and got shut out on Tuesday.

Don't Panic: The last time the Phils were shut out, they scored 24 runs in their next four games.

Panic: The Giants offense seems to be waking up.

Don't Panic: No it isn't. The Giants have scored eight runs in the series, one fewer than the Phils, and four of them have come from RF Cody Ross. If the Phils would just intentionally walk him, they'd paralyze the San Fran offense.

Panic: The Giants lead the series 2 games to one.
Don't Panic: It's a seven game series, not a three game series.

QB: Kevin Kolb, 29.64 pts – sitting on Ant’s bench
RB: Arian Foster, 26.83 pts – started by Joel
WR: Jeremy Maclin, 29.60 pts – started by Jo
TE: Ben Watson, 17.83 pts – sitting on NewMike’s bench
K: Dan Carpenter, 15.00 pts – sitting on the wire
DEF: Tennessee, 20.00 pts – sitting on Jeff's bench
D: Jordan Babineaux, 12.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Only two of the top seven starters actually made it into our lineups this week. Yeah, we all kind of sucked.

It's that time of the year again, when the autumn air is cool, the October football is heating up, and fantasy players everywhere are forgetting to swap out players on a bye. More specifically:

** Bobert started a defensive player on a bye.
** Jeff started a defensive player and a kicker on a bye.

Now, neither one of them lost a lot of points by making those mistakes, but that's not really the point, is it? There are 12 starting spots on a fantasy football team. Would you buy a pack of one dozen eggs and be satisfied with only actually getting 11? Would you rather escape with the Tame Ten instead of the Dirty Dozen? Would you get into a fist fight and use only 11 of your fingers? (Please note, that one applies only to Antonio Alfonseca)

Of course you wouldn't. So Bobert and Jeff deserve your ridicule this week. More Jeff than Bob, since he's in second place and bearing down on me in the standings.

“All players” edition
3rd Place: Kenneth Moore, -0.14 pts – sitting on the wire
2nd Place: Rock Cartwright, -0.30 pts – sitting on the wire
1st Place: Kansas City, -4.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Bad week for Kansas City, but they’re still far from the worst defense in the league. That honor goes to Buffalo, which so far has been worth 7.00 pts on the season (that’s five weeks for them, since they had a bye). They’ve allowed 159 points, registered only six sacks and collected only four turnovers. Their total is four times lower than the next worst DEF (Houston, at 28.00 pts) and less than a twelfth of the top defense, Pittsburgh (with 85.00 pts).

Now that the 49ers have finally won a game, only two teams remain winless on the year: The Buffalo Bills and the Carolina Panthers. Who's the worse team? Let's break it down:

** Buffalo starts QB Ryan Fitzpatrick, who went to Harvard. Carolina starts QB Jimmy Clausen, who went to Notre Dame, the Harvard of Catholic potato farmers. Advantage: Bills.

** Carolina has a running back committee, with DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart. Buffalo had a running back committee, with Marshawn Lynch and Fred Jackson, before they traded away Lynch. Now they just have one crappy back. Advantage: Panthers.

** Buffalo has the 30th ranked offense in the league, with 251 yards per game. Carolina has the 32nd ranked offense in the league, with 236 yards per game. Advantage: Bills.

** Buffalo has seven remaining games against teams with winning records. Carolina has eight games remaining against teams above .500. Advantage: Bills.

** Charlotte, NC, averages less than an inch of snow a year. Buffalo averages 93 inches of snowfall a year. Advantage: Panthers.

** Carolina went to one Super Bowl and lost. Buffalo went to four in a row and lost them all. Advantage: Patriots.

Conclusion -- Nine times out of ten everything is worse in Buffalo, but this may be the rare exception...

It was everything Joe Buck said. Whatever game you want. Just everything. Every word out of his mouth is like acid being poured in my ears. Just .... please make it stop.

On another note, the most confusing thing I heard this weekend was that Fox announcer/former Cowboys fullback Daryl "Moose" Johnston is a Phillies fan, because his wife is from Philadelphia. Someone explain to me how a woman from Philadelphia could marry one of the key figures of the early 90s Dallas championship teams?

Bad parenting, that's how.

Hold on, I'm thinking. Get back to me.

Obviously these anagrams are a complicated mystery every week. Sometimes the message just jumps out, other times it has to be carefully teased out. And sometimes, the true evil of the Cowboys is so deeply hidden that only a professional like myself can find it.

Take for example, Cowboys LB Sean Lee. Looks straightforward enough, right?

Linebacker Sean Lee
** Serene-like balance **

Seems simple, and also shockingly positive for a Dallas player. But that's how they fool you. Sometimes, the first anagram isn't the one that reveals the evil that lurks inside every Cowboy. Consider:

Linebacker Sean Lee
Anagram 1: Serene-like balance (positive)
Anagram 2: Keen, cleanable sire (mostly positive)
Anagram 3: A blase neckline, ere (neutral)
Anagram 4: Erasable ice kennel (slightly evil)
Anagram 5: Bare-neck alien eels (sounds evil)
Anagram 6: "Cannibal Seeker" Lee (devil incarnate)

Don't let scumbags like "Cannibal Seeker" Lee confuse you. Please leave this important work to the professionals.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

It continues to be a three-man race at the top of the standings, with Bobert and ChampMike inching ever closer to my first-place perch. But the real news this week is at the other end of the standings. Anthony rocketed out of the last spot even without Kolb in his starting lineup, while the Blue Collar Killers has drifted back down to their customary position.

Still 11 more weeks of this to go, though. Keep at it.

** Seriously, remember to swap out players on a bye. I already have a graphic with your name on it ridiculing your incompetence. Don't make me use it.

** I picked up two more games on Dad this week, putting me only one game behind for the year. I correctly predicted three of the four games we had different this week. The one I missed? The 49ers. I was pretty sure they'd go 0-16 this year.

** If you didn't get a chance, check out this post from Saturday night. If you think it's cool, and if you might participate, I can set up another one for the Phils game on Wednesday or Thursday.

** Rangers P Cliff Lee is simply unhittable in the postseason. So someone remind me again why he's playing for his fourth different team in the last two years? And why he'll probably be on a fifth next spring? Why doesn't anyone want to keep this guy?

** Oooh, I got one! Dallas starting 1-5. That'd be more wonderful.

NLCS game one, Live Thread

2010 fantasy recap, week 5

Roy Halladay got all the attention for his no-hitter to open the playoffs last Wednesday, but his was not the only no-hitter of note last week. Here's a look at some of the others:

** Reds 3B Scott Rolen: Two no hitters, in games 1 and 2 of the series (0 for 7, with 5 Ks)
** Eagles DT Trevor Laws: No tackles in Sunday's game against the 49ers
** NBC: Network didn't have a single non-sports program in the top 20 watched shows last week.
** Reds P Nick Massett: Only Reds reliever not to hit any batters in game 2.
** Phillies P Joe Blanton: Allowed no hits (in zero appearances).

QB: Tony Romo, 29.14 pts – started by Heidi
RB: Matt Forte, 32.07 pts – started by Jo
WR: Hakeem Nicks, 32.67 pts – started by Bobert
TE: Marcedes Lewis, 19.60 pts – sitting on ChampMike’s bench
K: Josh Scobee, 22.50 pts – started by NewMike
DEF: Oakland, 36.00 pts – sitting on the wire
D: Quintin Mikell, 14.50 pts – sitting on the wire

Another week without a single QB breaking the 30-point barrier, and another week where a defense was the top point getter. Weird. Just weird.

"Really bad QBs" edition
3rd place: Jake Delhomme, -0.12 pts -- sitting on the wire
2nd place: Matt Moore, -2.60 pts -- sitting on the wire
1st place: Todd Collins, -6.72 pts -- sitting on the wire

A little more analysis: On Sunday, you had a 39.6 QB rating (zero of 1 for zero yards). Delhomme was 12 of 23 for 97 yards with 2 INT (a 30.5 rating). Moore was 5 of 10 for 35 yards with 2 INT (an 18.8 rating). Collins was 6 of 16 for 32 yards with 4 INT (an incredible 6.2 rating, six times worse than you).

In all my time doing recaps I can't remember a fantasy score worse than Collins posted Sunday. It should be noted that he also had a negative score last week (-0.52 pts), meaning in the last two weeks you've been worth seven more fantasy points than him. That's a full touchdown and extra point, for anyone scoring at home.

FYI, Heidi started the St. Louis defense this week, which was worth -5.00 pts. That ain't good.

** For the season the Broncos have more penalty yards (329) than rushing yards (259). Despite that, at 2-3 they're tied for second place in their division.

** For the season the Bears have the 9th-worst pass offense and the 8th-worst rush offense in the league. Naturally, they also have the best record in the league at 4-1.

** For the season the Cardinals have allowed 50 more points than they've scored, the third-worst point differential in the league. But the team is still 3-2 and leading their division.

** For the season the Patriots have the worst field goal percentage and have only four punt returns. Of course, they are the top scoring team per game in the league, with 32.5 points per contest.

Analysis: Everyone in the NFL sucks, except for the 0-5 Bills, the 0-5 Panthers and the 0-5 49ers. They super suck.

NBC commentator Chris Collinsworth on Sunday actually said Eagles QB Kevin Kolb was running the Eagles offense "like Joe Montana," then later said 49ers QB Alex Smith ran the two-minute drill "the same way Joe Montana would do it." Kolb is the 19th-rated passer in the league, Smith the 27th, but apparently Collingsworth thinks either could win four Super Bowls tomorrow.

However, those comments weren't quite as stupid as the analysis following Roy Halladay's no-hitter last week.

On the700level.com, commenter KennyH wrote that "To me, there is no question that was the greatest pitching performance in Phils history. Anyone disagree?" To recap, this was the second no-hitter in MLB post-season history. Does KennyH really think he's going out on a limb with this? Is someone arguing that the two-run, six inning appearance by P Joe Blaton in 2008 was better than a no-hitter?

But the Delaware County Times managed to top even that, with a story titled "Halladay's no-hitter is a hit with area bars." Apparently, a lot of Philly sports fans were happy following the no-hitter. I never would have guess that if not for this Pulitzer expose.

** The Twins have now lost 12 straight playoff games, including nine in a row to the Yankees. So, thanks for giving New York the easiest first round possible their last three trips to the post-season, Minnesota.

** All that snow from last winter? It came from Minnesota. The average high there in January doesn't break 20 degrees C. The record low there was -60 degrees, set in 1996. That's not normal, Minnesota.

** The Vikings players and fans straight-up begged QB Brett Favre to come back this year. Since then, he's played terrible and gotten embroiled in a sex scandal. The site Deadspin.com last week posted alleged pictures of his ... um ... private areas. Thanks for that image, Minnesota.

** F. Scott Fitzgerald, the author of The Great Gatsby, is from Minnesota. That book is terrible. Thanks a lot, jerks.

** In 2007 the Timberwolves traded F Kevin Garnett to the Celtics for a high draft pick and spare parts. Since then the Wolves have won 61 games in three seasons, while the Celtics have won one championship and had another finals appearance. Thanks for giving Boston that much-needed lift, Minnesota.

** They still employ WR Greg Lewis.

The Cowboys lost again this week, dropping them to 1-3 on the season. This has shocked many national pundits, but a closer look at the players shows this should have been expected. Just look at their new fullback, for example:

New Dallas Fullback Chris Gronkowski
** Droll hacks: Sucking is all we know. Barf. **

I feel like he should have a more positive outlook. It might help them win a few more games.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Huge weeks for ChampMike, Bob and Joanna – all three topped 150 pts, and ChampMike hit 175. But that wasn’t quite enough to wrest first place away from me just yet. Only 11 points separate the top three, and the difference between first place and eighth place is still less than 100 points. So everyone still has a chance.

Except Anthony.

** Romo got a win on Sunday. No, not Tony Romo -- his Cowboys lost. But around the same time Giants P Sergio Romo got a win for his club over the Braves, mostly by not throwing three interceptions to the opposing team.

** I finally picked up a game on Dad, so I'm only down three on the year. But, if we're just counting weeks won, both of us have a record of 1-1, with three ties. So, in that sense, I've already caught up.

** Just for fun this week, on an old copy of Madden for the PS2, I tried to trade Randy Moss for a third-round draft pick. The game rejected that as too absurd. And I though those games were supposed to be realistic...

** The Philadelphia reunion continues this week, with Pat Burrell returning to Citizens Bank Park with the Giants on Saturday. Remember, earlier this year, the Philly crowd applauded Burrell's homecoming, and he promptly hit a home run in response. A few weeks later, Jim Thome returned to Philadelphia, was applauded in his first at-bat back, and promptly hit a home run in response. I'm a big Burrell fan, but let's not cheer when he comes up to the plate this time, OK?

2010 fantasy recap, week 4

The MLB playoffs start tomorrow, and the two-time reigning NL champion Phillies will face off against the Cincinnati Reds. Here's a quick look at some notables on their roster:

** P Johnny Cueto: Cuban lefty has a widely publicized triple-digit fastball and a far less publicized quintuple-digit right foot.

** 1B Joey Votto: Despite likely winning the MVP this season, the only time his name is ever mentioned is when Ryan Howard's new contract is being ridiculed for being too expensive.

** P Homer Bailey: Despite the name, he has never hit a major league home run.

** 3B Scott Rolen: Traitorous piece of crap will probably whine within minutes of setting foot in Philadelphia again.

** SS Joseph Stalin: Communist dictator blamed for 60 million deaths was also the inspiration for the Reds name. Probably.

** CF Drew Stubbs: You can't spell the name of the team's strikeout leader without "busted."

QB: David Garrard, 28.92 pts -- sitting on Jim's bench
RB: Arian Foster, 31.83 pts -- started by Joel
WR: Terrell Owens, 30.80 -- started by Bobert
TE: Antonio Gates, 28.60 pts -- started by NewMike
K: Jason Hanson, 17.00 pts -- sitting on the wire
DEF: New England, 39.00 pts -- sitting on my bench
D: Shaun Phillips, 19.50 pts -- sitting on the wire

Don't feel too bad for Jim and me. He started the #2 defense on the week (San Diego, 31.00 pts) and I had the #2 RB on the week (LaDanian Tomlinson, 29.77 pts).

Wait, you didn't feel bad for us? Screw you, then.

"Former Pro Bowl players" edition
3rd place: Marshawn Lynch, -1.20 pts -- sitting on the wire
2nd place: Derek Anderson, -1.44 pts -- sitting on the wire
1st place: Jay Cutler, -2.32 pts -- sitting on Dad's bench

Cutler was sacked nine times in the first half of the Bear's Sunday night loss to the Giants, lost the ball twice and passed for only 42 yards. Things didn't get better for Chicago when Cutler left the game with a concussion -- His backup, Todd Collins, had one pick against 36 yards passing and was worth -0.56 fantasy points.


E-Mail from G, Sep 30 12:24 pm:
I shared your blog with a couple of my co-workers and they wanted to know if you could come up with an Anagram for Albert Haynesworth.

Response from Capt. Awesome, Sep 30 12:48 pm:
Right now? Dude, these things take hours of time and thought, carefully deducing the hidden messages in each person's soul. You can't just make up an anagram on the spot!

Just kidding. Here it is:

Defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth
** Fat-necked evils, abhorrent wealth. Yes. **

20 minutes? Not bad, right? I also do bar mitzvahs.

Response from G, Sep 30 5:48 pm:
Wow. You truly have a gift. That is damn impressive.

In case you missed the debacle of a soap opera that was the Eagles game on Sunday, the boys in green had the ball just outside the end zone with seconds left in the first half trailing 17-3. On a third-and-goal play, RB LeSean McCoy appeared to get close to the goal line, but an ensuing officials review showed him down at the 6-inch line.

So then the Eagles called a timeout. And then they talked about the next play call. And then they got a delay of game penalty. And then they kicked a field goal from the six-yard line. And then they effectively lost the game by four points.

Eagles coach Andy Reid took "full responsibility" for the debacle, saying he wouldn't blame the officials for shady time keeping, then he blamed the refs for shady time keeping. He also dropped this gem:

"I wasn't surprised that the clock was moving, but I was surprised that it was moving as quickly as it was."

All of this confirms my long-held suspicions that Andy Reid believes the two-minute warning is actually 10-minutes long.

Last Sunday the Eagles got to face off against former star QB Donovan McNabb, and next week the Eagles will face former star RB Brian Westbrook when they take on the 49ers. Here's some other notable former Philly stars who'll the current team will face on the gridiron:

** Week 6: The Hotlanta Falcons visit Philly and bring former fan-favorite WR Brian Finneran (with Eagles in 1999) along.

** Week 7: A trip to Tennessee to take on the Titans reunites the team with beloved DE Justin Babin (with Eagles in 2009).

** Week 11: The New York Giants bring into town little-known former Eagle T Shawn Andrews (with Eagles from 2004 to 2009).

** Week 16: A Christmas visit from the Vikings brings home former heroes Eagles WRs Greg Lewis and Hank Baskett (assuming either can stay on the team that long).

Last year the Cowboys traded for safety Gerald Sensabaugh to fill their vacant strong safety slot. It's only been a few games, but can we already see just from his name what he thinks about his new teammates?

Cowboys Strong Safety Gerald Sensabaugh
** Cowboys: Fleabag thugs and greasy stoners **

That seems harsh. Fleabag thugs? Maybe Gerald just has a chip on his shoulder. What does his rookie backup, another new face on the squad, think about his teammates?

Dallas Cowboys Strong Safety Barry Church
** Cowboys: Scary thugs and cry-for-ball haters **

Nevermind. I stand corrected.

Click on the image below to make it bigger.

Great work for Bobert, bad week for Jeff, and Anthony is still hanging out down there waaaaaaay at the bottom. Don't worry, though. His QB, Kevin Kolb, should fix that soon.

** I'd like to apologize for not mentioning that Dad picked up four games on me last week in our annual battle of picks. I'd like to apologize, but I just can't. This week, thankfully, we broke even again.

** Texans RB Arian Foster is still on pace to break the NFL single season rushing record of 2,105 yards. He's rushed for 537 yards in four games, putting him on track for 2,148 yards this season. I'm just saying...

** In case you're wondering who you're rooting for in the other MLB postseason series, here's the rundown. On Thursday former Phillie P Cliff Lee and his Texas Rangers take on the Tampa Bay not-Devil Rays. Later, former Phillie 1B Jim Thome and his Minnesota Twins take on the Yankees. On Thursday, former Phillie OF Pat Burrell and his San Francisco Giants take on the Braves. Cheer as needed.

** Adam Schefter, on the Vick injury Sunday: "With that rib injury, he's going to have trouble eating, sleeping, and basically going through life." So, it'll pretty much be like me trying to watch Vick take over as Eagles QB?