Tuesday, December 01, 2009

2009 fantasy recap, week #12

The Eagles team had to deal with three severe concussions this week: RB Brian Westbrook, WR DeSean Jackson and Head Coach Andy Reid. The first two happened on the field, but Reid’s apparently occurred during Thanksgiving dinner and went undiagnosed throughout the week. But he clearly suffered some head trauma before Sunday’s game. Consider:

** He called an onsides kick on the opening play, giving one of the worst offenses in the NFL a chance to start the game just a few yards away from scoring.
** On a key fourth-quarter 3rd and goal, he took the ball away from RB LeSean McCoy and FB Leonard Weaver to twice give the ball to 6th-string RB Elrda Buckley.
** He continues to use QB Mike Vick, despite abundant evidence he’s just not good enough to play at a professional level.
** He convinced higher ups this week to give OT Winston Justice, who has elevated his game from terrible to average, a four-year deal worth $20 million.

People with fully functioning frontal lobes don’t act this way. Someone get the NFL’s concussion committee on the phone now.

QB: Drew Brees, 44.74 pts – started by Joanna
RB: Fred Jackson, 28.39 pts – started by Bob
WR: Percy Harvin, 23.23 pts – started by NewMike
TE: Antonio Gates, 26.87 pts – started by Heidi
K: Matt Prater, 15.00 pts – started by Bob
DEF: New York Jets, 27.00 pts – sitting on Mike’s bench
D: Charles Woodson, 21.36 pts – started by Heidi

Nooooooooo! So close, but Mike’s decision to start the Miami defense (7 pts) instead of the Jets keeps alive the league streak of not starting all seven top performers in a single week. But it was a close one…

By the way, if you missed Woodson’s line for the Packers on Thanksgiving, it’s worth checking out again: Six tackles, four pass defenses, two interceptions, one sack, one forced fumble, one fumble recovery. That’s insane.

3rd place: Jake Delhomme, -2.80 pts – sitting on the waiver wire
2nd place: Chicgao, -3.00 pts – started by Neal
1st place: Kansas City, -4.00 pts – sitting on the wire

Over the last four weeks, Neal (who is setting new standards for apathy and pathetic play) has collected 14.50 pts from the bottom four players on his roster. That’s under a point per player over that span, and is a major reason why his team sits nearly 550 points out of first place.

Meanwhile, over Panthers QB Jake Delhomme’s last 20 games, he’s thrown 15 TDs against 30 interceptions. His 59.4 QB rating is the worst in the NFL among starting QBs not named Jamarcus Russell. And somehow Delhomme still has a job.

I don’t mean to pick on the Maryland Racial Slurs (oh wait, yes I do) but after five years of living in the south it has become abundantly clear that the team and their fans simply do not understand football. The day after the team lost 27-24 to the Eagles, blowing a 4th-quarter lead for the second week in a row, the Washington Post sports section had a story titled “A season is slipping away.”

The Racial Slurs dropped to 3-8 after the loss. For them to make the playoffs, the following would have to happen:

** They win their last five games.
** The Eagles lose their last five games.
** The Giants beat the Eagles but lose their other four games.
** The Falcons beat the Eagles but lose their other four games.
** The 49ers beat the Eagles but lose their other four games.
** The Panthers, Bears and Seahawks don’t win more than three of their last five games.

Hate to break it to you, folks, but the season has already slipped away.

Nope, my mistake. The day after I wrote the above item the local sports analysts called the Saints' upcoming visit to Maryland a "classic trap game" and a good chance for the local team to show some pride. That was stupider.

Recently I’ve been researching exactly how the Dallas organization takes players from simply evil to super evil, replacing their soul with some sort of villainous anti-soul. Just putting on the uniform is almost enough, but there’s also a harsh regiment of baby insulting, stealing from the Salvation Army and, apparently, a strict diet.

How strict? The answer is barely hidden in their players own names:

Dallas Cowboys corner Alan Ball
-- Yell! Drab rascals allow no bacon –

Everyone knows that bacon is the source of pure goodness. For a team to ban it … well, that’s just super evil.

Just to show you what a well-coached team can achieve, here’s a look at the regular season stats for my PS2 Eagles team, which finished 16-0:

** McNabb: 5,013 yds passing, 104 TDs; 438 yds rushing, 10 TDs
** Westbrook: 3,107 yds rushing, 64 TDs; 305 yds receiving, 7 TDs
** Rookie WR: 1,388 yds receiving, 26 TDs
** 2nd rookie WR: 951 yds receiving, 16 TDs
** Jevon Kearse: 179 tackles, 164 sacks, 5 fumbles, 5 safeties
** Michael Lewis: 38 tackles, 15 INTs, 4 TDs
** Brian Dawkins: 46 tackles, 10 INTs
** David Akers: 1 FG, 194 XPs

The team scored 1,411 pts on the season (88 per game) and allowed 16 (1 per game). The worst game of the year was a week 5 victory over the Seahawks (67-10) while the crowning performance was a week 13 win over the Chargers (112-0).

Now, I’m not saying that those results correlate exactly to what the Eagles should be achieving. I’m just saying that it’s reasonable to expect a 2,000-yard rusher and a 75-TD QB every year from a good coach.

Click on the standings to make them bigger.

Heidi posted an unbelievable 190-plus pts this week, vaulting her back up into the contenders pile. My assault on the top spot continues unabated, and defying all expectations Anthony is still in striking distance too.

I had assumed Anthony had stopped playing completely and dropped the ball. Oh, no, wait – that was just his TE, Brent Celek. My mistake.

** Dad has dropped to 14 behind, thanks to misplaced faith in the Patriots and the Rams this weekend. Clearly, we are not living in 2001 anymore.

** Listening to ESPN’s Matt Millen offer analysis on the Saints/Patriots game is like listening to an American Idol reject offering serious commentary on how a successful presidential campaign is run. Millen put together the worst team in the history of the NFL; How can he be qualified to say anything about one franchise that finished the regular season 16-0 and another which could do the same this year?

** The trade deadline is this Friday, kids. Last chance to improve that wretched lineup.

** I’m horribly disappointed by the playoff prospects this year – looks like the NFC championship game will either be held in New Orleans or Minnesota, and Indy will probably host the AFC champs. No playoff games in the snow? Can’t Buffalo be assigned the permanent host for one of these match-ups?


NewMike said...

Like the Madden Eagles stats. This year I've taken my lowly Browns to a 10-6 season, a Wild Card, and a win in the AFC championship over the the Pittsburgh Yinz-Jaggoffs. I've been putting off the Super Bowl game against the Saints though. Even with Sim Quinn's awesome numbers, that one is just hopeless.

Capt. Awesome said...

I feel like my ridiculous Eagles stats are still more realistic than the Browns in the Super Bowl...

NewMike said...

Talk about ridiculous. I got inspired to play the Bowl after work last night & actually won 24-21 thanks to 2 Drew Brees interceptions during the Saints' fourth quarter rally attempts. That takes ridiculousness to Bizzaro World levels!

Lari said...

Do you ever sleep, Capn Major?
You are such an incredible wit.
~gotta go get a concussion....
Happy Birthday!!! Enjoy your day tomorrow!!! xo