Fantasy football 2024 -- week 14 recap

On Monday, Disney+ simulcast the Bengals/Cowboys tilt but substituted Simpsons characters for key players and fans. The experiment was fairly weird and totally awesome, with jokes and references jammed into nearly every down.

This was actually the second animated simulcast that Disney+ has broadcast, after a similar Toy Story themed presentation last year. So that begs the question: What will next year’s special animated real-time football game be? Here are the likely contenders:

** Star Wars simulcast: Ever wanted to see Jedi against Stormtroopers in a football game? No? Too bad! There are hundreds of “use the force” jokes for every completion, incompletion and run up the middle. Bonus points for using Jawas as referees.

** Frozen simulcast: Packers vs. Vikings from the frozen tundra of … Arendelle. Every deep pass is accompanied by an ESPN host shrieking “let it go, let it go!”

** Marvel simulcast: The network won’t be able to resist turning the Chiefs into members of the Avengers, complete with a list of Patrick Mahomes’ “superpowers.” And if they schedule it against the Raiders, team owner Mark Davis kinda looks like Thanos already.

** Little Mermaid simulcast: Only works if it’s the Dolphins vs. the Seahawks. Otherwise no one wants to be part of that world.

** Wall-E simulcast: This would be long and boring without life in the booth. So, you know, a typical last-season NFC South game.

QB: Josh Allen, 57.88 pts — started by Dad
WR: Jordan Addison, 30.87 pts — started by me
RB: Zach Charbonnet, 32.83 pts — started by Jo
TE: George Kittle, 13.07 pts — started by Ant
K: Jason Sanders, 16.00 pts — started by me
DEF: San Francisco, 14.00 pts — started by Bob
D: Yetur Gross-Matos, 8.00 pts — on the wire

Vikings QB Sam Darnold threw five TD passes this week but missed out on his moment of glory atop the best performers list because of Allen.

Allen had an insane stat line on Sunday: 342 passing yds, 3 passing TDs, 82 rushing yds, 3 rushing TDs. His 57.88 fantasy points is the fourth best total since this league was founded, and I’m listing the rest here for the next time I need to remember those stats:

1 — Drew Brees, 60.54 pts, Nov. 2013 (7 passing TDs)
2 — Peyton Manning, 60.28 pts, Sept. 2013 (7 passing TDs)
3 — Nick Foles, 59.64 pts, Nov. 2013 (7 passing TDs)
4 — Josh Allen, 57.88 pts, Dec. 2024 (3 passing TDs, 3 rushing TDs)
5 — Mike Vick, 57.37 pts, Sept. 2010 (4 passing TDs, 2 rushing TDs)

But Allen does hold one distinction from the rest of that group — he LOST the game despite the gaudy stats. The Bills fell 42-44 to the Rams thanks to a defense that was worth -6.00 pts on the day. That means Buffalo had the best fantasy QB performance in league history and the worst possible defensive fantasy score on the same day. Just wild stuff.

Meanwhile, Addison had eight catches for 133 yds and three TDs, and his fellow Vikings wideout Justin Jefferson had another seven catches for 132 yds and two TDs (24.30 fantasy pts, good for #3 on the week among wideouts). If you started those two together, you would have gotten 55.17 fantasy points. That’s almost the same as one Josh Allen start.

One more note — with that game Allen vaulted himself in the QB fantasy standings for the year all the way up to … number two, because Lamar Jackson had the week off and is still 30 full fantasy points ahead of him.

“Names you know” edition

3rd place: Kadarius Toney, -0.62 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Cordarrelle Patterson, -1.33 pts — on the wire
1st place: Brandon Allen, -2.00 pts — on the wire

Best QB on the week: Allen. Worst QB on the week: Allen.

Brandon Allen had one pass attempt for the 49ers, and it was picked off by the Bears. Josh Allen had six TDs against the Rams. Josh Allen’s team lost. Brandon Allen’s team won. Football is weird.

Toney has only registered a fantasy score in three games this season, and two of them have been negative points. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, keep playing on the Browns.

 

** Just in case you haven’t been following the Boise State Broncos football team closely, start RB Ashton Jeanty rushed for 209 yds in Saturday's Mountain West title game, giving him 2,497 yds for the season. That’s good enough for fourth-best all time in college football, just 131 yds behind Barry Sanders record of 2,628 set in 1998.

Jeanty could pass Sanders in the Broncos college football playoff game later this month, a situation that seems unfair, since Sanders didn’t get to pad his total with any post-season games. Well, actually he did, rushing for 222 yds in a bowl game, but the NCAA doesn’t consider stats collected in bowl games towards single-season records.

Well, actually they do, but only for bowl games that happened after 2002. Why? Because. So Jeanty can add to his season totals with any playoff games but Sanders’ total is locked because it happened before LeBron James played his first NBA game, which is the standard dividing line for all college football stats.

If we’re gonna have this arbitrary nonsense with college football stats, then I’m not recognizing Notre Dame as ever being the top team in the country. After all, none of those championships came after 2002.

** On Sirius NFL Radio, former NFL coach Bill Belichick was asked about what he saw with the Patriots team this year.

“They only have three wins this year,” he said. “It’s hard to watch. There’s nothing I can do about it, of course, but it’s hard.”

From the tone of his voice, you could tell that Belichick meant his “of course” to remind folks that he is no longer the coach of the Patriots, so of course he can’t fix it. Funny thing is, he was the coach of the Patriots last year, and they went 4-13. So, even if he were still the coach, it’s pretty clear he couldn’t fix it then either.

** The Chiefs clinched their 9th straight division title on Sunday night with a win over the Chargers that came on a last-play field goal which bounced off the upright but over the crossbar for three points. As the refs signaled success, announcer Mike Tirico exclaimed “it’s a doink for the division!” Decent turn of phrase on the spot by him.

Three minutes later, NBC sideline reporter Melissa Stark interviewed QB Patrick Mahomes about the improbable win. “It’s already being called ‘the doink for the division!’ What do you think of that?”

Hold on, it’s “already” being called that because your team just said it. It wasn’t a trending topic, it was something you all invented. Sure, social media started quoting Tirico, but that was way later, like 10 minutes after the fact.

Mahomes called the moment “amazing.” And then Stark informed him that some people were already calling it an amazing ending. Probably. I dunno, Joanna was shouting at the TV after it all happened, so it was hard to hear.
 

One person in America was sweating out those final few minutes of the Eagles win on Sunday than any Philly fan: An unnamed gambler put down $3.1 million on the birds to beat the Panthers and nearly saw that small fortune go up in smoke. The odds on the bet were terrible, netting him $442,000 and potentially costing him almost eight times that amount.

Hopefully, this compulsive bettor has learned his or her lesson. But if not, here are some better ways to spend that $3.1 million for next time:

— Employ Zack Baun and Nakobe Dean for one year. The two Eagles linebackers’ compensation for 2024 is $3.02 million. They could probably earn you a few bucks carrying things and shoveling snow.

— Buy 13 Super Bowl rings. The most expensive sold to date was Lawrence Taylor’s Super Bowl XXV ring, which went for $230K. With some savvy negotiating, you might be able to get as many as 15.

— Get 10,000 shares of Packer stock. The last sale, in 2022, had shares going for $300 each. In 2011, the shares cost $250 each. That’s a solid growth investment.

— Rent a suite at Lincoln Financial Field through 2085. The most expensive luxury boxes for Eagles home games run $45,000 a year right now. Scalp some tickets to those seats to turn a profit.

— Don’t bet on the Eagles. The team is 22-9 in real life over the last two years but 15-14-2 against the betting spreads in that same frame. If the odds are basically a coin flip, maybe resist the temptation to wager more than $3 million on tails.

Among the worst sins of the Cowboys franchise this year is not only their insatiable appetite for evil, but also their generally boring nature. True, watching them lose is fun, but in general the team has felt rather ordinary and unexciting. And that’s no surprise, when you start to see a common theme hidden in several of their players’ names:

Dallas Cowboys LB Buddy Johnson
** Jowly, bad, bland nobody. Such loss.

Dallas Cowboys Rookie TE Brevyn Spann-Ford
** A very bland player. Two socks, no friends. Boo.

Dallas Cowboys DE Marshawn Kneeland
** Bland man, lacks lady, needs a shower. Ow.

Remember, kids — I’ve you’re going to be full of spite and malice, at least be interesting about it.

** Once again, Dad and I split our picks this week, leaving me up one for the season. We actually independently selected all the same winners ahead of Sunday’s game, then forced each other to change one contest. And we both lost the ones we chose, which meant we were right the first time. On the season, I’m a ridiculous 146-62 picking winners (70.2% right) while Dad is a pedestrian 145-63 (30.3% incorrect).

** NFL teams have scored 30 or more points in games 97 times this season. Their combined record in those games is 87-10. The Bengals have done it six times, and their record in those games is 2-4. That’s just an amazing level of pain for their fans.

** The Eagles can clinch the NFC East with a win next week against the Steelers and a loss by the Commanders to the Saints. They can clinch at least the #2 overall seed with a win, a Commanders’ loss and a Seahawks’ loss to the Packers. And they can clinch the #1 overall seed next week with those three things and the Lions being teleported to Mars by belligerent aliens gambling on Earth sports.

Week 14 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1739.74 pts
2 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 1723.53 pts
3 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1699.49 pts
4 — Kodos for President (Jo), 1668.18 pts
5 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 1624.63 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1612.70 pts
7 — Jabronis (Ant), 1605.10 pts
8 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1573.08 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1556.54 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1413.00 pts
11 — They Certainly Are Dwarves (Paul), 1235.77 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1163.69 pts

It’s a race again. Both Mike and I topped 150 pts this week, pulling to within striking distance of Jonathan’s reign of terror atop the standings. Dad just missed 150 pts but pulled himself from 8th place to fifth, 115 pts out of the top spot. Jo almost hit 130 pts, fell on spot in the standings but picked up 15 points on the leader.

And Jonathan? He still scored 115.62 pts with his MVP QB on a bye, but the good-not-great week puts some concerns in his quest for a repeat. With four fantasy weeks left, he is catchable.

Well, catchable if your team is within about 150 pts. Everyone below the seven spot is likely just playing for pride. To play off Paul, your teams may be fighters, but they are not giants.

No byes this week, but there are two Monday night games, and neither one will feature Simpsons characters. So sad. Try to push past the heartbreak and set those rosters early.

Fantasy football 2024 -- week 13 recap

Not every NFL team was contractually obligated to play on Thanksgiving this year — Most players got to enjoy a nice meal with their teammates on the holiday. Here’s a quick look at what was on the menu at a few of the locker rooms across the league:

** New Jersey Giants: Lots of cranberry sauce. Maybe that has something to do with all the jiggling in that spineless mess of a squad.

** Kansas City Chiefs: Rabbit. It wasn’t particularly tasty, but it’s the only way to get enough rabbit feet into their system to ensure they get a ridiculously lucky win every week.

** Dallas Cowboys: Veal. It’s not a traditional Thanksgiving meal, but it is cruel and reprehensible, so the players loved it.

** Jacksonville Jaguars: Chicken nuggets. They don’t deserve anything better.

** Philadelphia Eagles: Raven. Wrong bird for the holiday, but still tasty enough.

** New Jersey Jets: They actually didn’t eat, but they did gather around a table to listen to QB Aaron Rogers spew conspiracy theories for a few hours.

** San Francisco 49ers: Multiple large servings of humble pie, perfect for an overhyped fourth-place team.

QB: Jameis Winston, 40.98 pts — on the wire
WR: Jerry Jeudy, 28.17 pts — started by Dad
RB: Bucky Irving, 25.30 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Brock Bowers, 20.53 pts — started by Jonathan
K: Chad Ryland, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: LA Chargers, 20.00 pts — on Jo’s bench
D: Leonard Williams, 18.00 pts — on the wire

I had this whole section written at halftime on Monday night, then had to dump it because Winston decided to pass for 497 yards and six TDs. Of course, two of those TDs went to the other team, but you take the good with the bad.

Winston had the second-most passing yards of any QB in a game this season (behind Kirk Cousins’ 509) and lost anyways. Jeudy, who caught most of Winston’s long throws, had the second most receiving yards of any wideout this year (Jamar Chase, 267). Both Chase and Jeudy saw their team lose those games. Stats aren’t everything.

Williams, a defensive lineman for the Seahawks, had three tackles, two sacks and a 92-yard interception return for a TD in Sunday’s win over the Jets. According to ESPN, that made him the first NFL player over 300 pounds to return an interception more than 90 yards for a TD. I can’t wait for the network to launch a new “yards per pound” feature so we can debate whether a 15-yard swing pass to a 165-pound WR3 is more impressive on a quantum mechanics level than a 250-pound QB sneak for two yards.

I double checked, Chad Ryland is a real NFL player. Apparently he has been playing for about two months. It was news to me too.

“Scrabble tiles” edition

3rd place: Laviska Shenault, -1.80 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Hassan Haskins, -2.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Kyle Juszczyk, -2.10 pts — on the wire

Special recognition goes out to the 49ers defense, which recorded a perfect -6.00 pts this week against Buffalo: 35 pts allowed, no turnovers, no sacks. Just a wonderful stat line.

Juszczyk gets you 42 points on a scrabble board (even more if you can sneak it onto the double word space) but he has managed only 21.09 fantasy pts this year. The 49ers RB subtracted from his season total with a rush for -1 yards and a fumble inside the red zone on Sunday night, giving the ball to the Bills and helping that San Fran defense surrender even more points.


** Visiting the Philly area this week, I saw that Dad had procured three boxes of special Jason Kelce cereal. The first is just a box of Lucky Charms with the Kelce brother’s faces. The second is a box of Honey Nut Cheerios with the same.

The third is a box of “Kelce Mix” cereal — Reeses Puffs, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Lucky Charms, all thrown in together.

This is a pro-Kelce blog, and even despite all the overexposure that Jason is getting right now, I’m here to support him. That said, Kelce Mix is a crime against both nature and humanity. Don’t go back and reread what is in there, it will cause an immediate cavity and rapid-heart syndrome. I’m legitimately concerned that both brothers will be jailed if any children actually eat that abomination of flavors.

I wanna keep backing you, Jason, but you’re making it difficult.

** In the first quarter of the Michigan game on Saturday (the MICHIGAN GAME, since only one team showed up), the Wolverines faced a third-and-four at their own 36-yard line. QB Davis Warren threw a slant pass to TE Marlin Klein, who was immediately wrapped up by a linebacker. Warren reached forward as he fell, and Fox announcer Gus Johnson exclaimed “we’ll see if that move makes it close enough for a first down!”

After a quick review, the refs announced it was not, and Michigan faced a fourth-and-four.

Yes, fourth-and-four. Klein was tackled at the line of scrimmage, but Johnson wasn’t sure if the 6-foot-6 tight end had managed to stretch twice his height to get the first down. In fairness, it was hard to tell on the telecast whether he had gotten a first, because the yellow line was so far away it was barely on the screen.

Michigan opted to punt, despite the short reach away from another set of downs.

** In one of the stupidest scoring decisions in NFL history, Bills QB Josh Allen was credited with a receiving TD in Sunday’s game despite having zero catches.

On the play in question, Allen passed to WR Amari Cooper, who was immediately wrapped up by a 49ers cornerback. Before he was tackled, however, he lateralled the ball back to Allen, who ran it forward 7 yds for a TD. I gave Allen a passing TD and receiving TD on the same play, something that rarely happens in the NFL.

But it has happened before, when a pass is batted in the air the QB catches it. In this case, Allen didn’t catch a pass, but the NFL decided they’d act as if he did just for grins. A logical solution would have been to call it a catch, then a rushing TD by Allen, same as if he picked up a fumble and advanced it (which is allowed only in certain circumstances). But, no, the NFL wanted to celebrate Allen getting a passing, rushing and receiving TD in the same game, no matter how convoluted the logic was.

Allen’s final box score line: 7 yds receiving, 1 receiving TD, 0 catches. Makes perfect sense.

The Eagles are 10-2 at the start of December — just like one year ago, and we all remember how awful that turned out.

Last season’s collapse should send shivers down the spine of every fan. After losing to the 49ers to set their record at 10-2, the Eagles lost five of their next six games, including an embarrassing playoff loss. The lesson here is that a good start can lead to an epic collapse and … hold on, didn’t they win 10 of their first 12 back in 2022 as well?

Yep. They were 11-1 at the start of December, and headed towards the Super Bowl. So the real lesson to take away from an Eagles team that wins 10 or more of their first 12 games is that while the team may look good, they can’t win it all.

Or maybe they can, because the Eagles were 10-2 after 12 games in 2017 and won the championship.

So the real REAL lesson here is that in the last eight years, the Eagles have had four seasons where they had 10 wins before the first week in December. That means it’s hard to remember which Eagles’ 10-win seasons were good and which were disappointing. And that is an insane thing to type.

The Eagles best three-year win total since the franchise was founded was from 2002 to 2004, when Andy Reid led the team to 37 regular season wins and a 4-3 playoff record. Right now, the Eagles have 35 regular season wins since the start of 2022, with five games left this season. Hopefully, that total increases. And they have a 2-2 playoff record over the last two seasons. That could improve too. 

Since 2000, the Eagles have 238 wins against 159 losses. Only four teams (Patriots, Steelers, Packers and Ravens) have seen more wins than the Eagles over that span. Since 2022, only the Chiefs have won more, and they only lead the Eagles by one regular season victory.

These are really good times for football in Philly. Don’t forget to appreciate that.

Also, Saquon Barkley rules.

Dallas has put together a surprising two-game win streak despite being left for dead in the standings a month ago. What’s the secret to the turnaround? For most teams, it would center on teamwork, persistence, character. For the Cowboys? Their center is a little different. Just look what his name spells out:

Dallas Cowboys Center Cooper Beebe
** Sweet boy? No. Local scrod be a creep

I too am dismayed that being a creep can still translate into success, but honestly, it’s not that much of a surprise.

** Dad and I split our picks yet again, leaving me up one in the season standings. I lost yet another one-point game against him, this time mistakenly putting my faith in the Patriots over the Colts. This is the fourth time this season I’ve lost a one-point decision to Dad, which is fairly ridiculous. If he beats me on the season by one-game, I’m demanding a recount.

** Ohio State coach Ryan Day is 47-1 in regular season games excluding contests against Michigan. He’s 3-8 in games against Michigan and post-season games. You know, the games that actually are important and call for a good coach. But congrats on being proficient at beating up on nobodies.

** If Green Bay beats Detroit on Thursday night, and the Eagles beat Carolina, the birds would have the tiebreaker for the #1 seed against the Lions. Just something to keep an eye on.


Week 13 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1,624.12 pts
2 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 1,569.04 pts
3 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1,540.85 pts
4 — Kodos for President (Jo), 1,538.85 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,512.94 pts
6 — Jabronis (Ant), 1,486.56 pts
7 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1,481.78 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 1,478.28 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1,449.98 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1,298.52 pts
11 — The B Sharps (Paul), 1,163.44 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1,106.06 pts

Tough week for Jo, who left the #2 QB and #1 defense on her bench over the holiday weekend, but did start the second-worst defense on the week (Miami, -3.00 pts). She lost 49 pts to her bench, which would have been enough to vault her into second. Instead, she sits just a hair behind Mike, off the medal stand.

Jonathan opened up his first-place lead a bit again, but he has his QB and #3 WR on a bye this week, so now is the time to catch up to him.

Speaking of byes, this is the final bye week of the season. The Broncos, Colts, Patriots, Commanders, Ravens and Texans all have off, right as most fantasy teams are deciding who will make the playoffs. Gotta love the NFL, they find ways to ruin almost everything fun about football.

Six teams on byes means only 14 games this week, so fill those roster holes early. We’ve only got five weeks of regular season football left before the Awesome Cup gets polished and awarded again.

Fantasy football 2024 -- week 12 recap

Through 11 games this season, Eagles RB Saquon Barkley has amassed nearly 1,400 rushing yds and more than 250 receiving yds. He’s already set personal records this year in rushing yds for a game and rushing yds for a season. Here’s what’s next on the records list:

Eagles rushing yds for a season: 1,607 (LeSean McCoy, 2013)
At current pace: Barkley breaks that in week 13, vs Panthers

Eagles total scrimmage yds for a season: 2,146 (LeSean McCoy, 2013)
At current pace: Barkley breaks that in week 15, at Commies

NFL rushing yds for a season: 2,104 (Eric Dickerson, 1984)
At current pace: Barkley breaks that in week 17, vs Giants

NFL total scrimmage yds for a season: 2,509 (Chris Johnson, 2009)
At current pace: Barkley breaks that in week 17, vs Giants

For what it’s worth, Barkley had more production by himself on Sunday (302 yds, 2 TDs) than his entire former team (Giants offense had 245 yds, 1 TD) managed in a loss to the Buccaneers. The New Jersey squad that didn’t want to re-sign Barkley last offseason doesn’t have any rusher above 600 yds so far and has totaled 1,275 combined rushing yds from nine different players, compared to Barkley’s 1,393 yds.

QB: Tua Tagovailoa, 36.48 pts — on Mike’s bench
WR: Courtland Sutton, 22.47 pts — started by Jeff
RB: Saquon Barkley, 42.36 pts — started by me
TE: Noah Gray, 18.40 pts — on the wire
K: Wil Lutz, 22.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Seattle, 23.00 pts — on Jonathan’s bench
D: Jimmie Ward, 11.50 pts — on the wire

Lutz is the #4 kicker on the year and has yet to make his way onto any team. Poor guy. He just needs some love.

Raise your hand if you had Tua topping the weekly fantasy list before Patrick Mahomes. The Chiefs QB had a solid week, scoring just 2.5 pts less than the Dolphins signal caller. But close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades and football if your team has the Brotherly Shove in its arsenal.

“California dreaming” edition

3rd place: Las Vegas, -2.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: San Francisco, -4.00 pts — started by Bob
1st place: LA Rams, -5.00 pts — started by Paul

You know who had a really bad week? The team that gave up 255 rushing yards to Saquon Barkley. Turns out that’s a bad strategy for a fantasy defense.

Everyone, please take a moment to welcome the 49ers to the bottom of the standings. The once proud franchise gave up 38 points to the mediocre Green Bay Packers on Sunday, turning in their first negative fantasy performance in 30 games. The loss dropped San Fran to last place in their division (5-6, albiet still just one game out of first place) heading into a contest next week with a Buffalo team coming off of its bye week. Send your Christmas cards to them early, because the squad appears headed to the offseason already.

** Headline on ESPN Plus Monday: “Here are the 43 most important college football games of Rivalry Week”

Why must the site’s coverage be so limiting? There are 128 top-tier teams in the NCAA, and this article only covers two-thirds of them. Don’t the bottom three-dozen teams deserve detailed analysis too?

As an avid fan, I’m definitely reading everything I can about the 42nd most important college rivalry in America, but I won’t be truly happy until the 56th biggest showdown also gets attention.

** On his podcast last week, well-known Boston fan Bill Simmons was arguing that the Patriots are actually a much better team than their record shows.

“They’re 3-8, but they had close games against the Seahawks, and the Dolphins, and the Titans. This team could be 6-7.”

His co-host immediately called him on it. “Really, you think so? I mean, I can see how they could win a few more, but you think they could have found a way to play two extra games?”

To his credit, Simmons pulled out the “I was promised there would be no math on this episode” excuse, laughed at himself and moved on.

** Fox NFL kickoff on Sunday had a whole segment before Sunday’s game looking back at the Packers’ game-winning FG block a week earlier from the perspective of Green Bay QB Jordan Love, who was … on the sidelines for the play.

What did we learn from the segment? Love was really stressed out. And then he was happy when his team won.

Other than that, he was as involved in the action as you and me and had arguably a worse vantage point than TV viewers. The D-lineman who blocked it? The Chicago kicker? They could have given some new perspective. But the signal caller for a team whose offense hadn’t been on the field for five minutes? Gotta fill the hour of pregame drivel with something, I guess.
 

Everyone is bringing out their best Black Friday bargains this week, including the NFL. If you’re in a shopping mood and have some disposable income, add these items to the list:

** QB Daniel Jones (retail $40M, now on sale)
His noodle arm was cut by the Giants and is available for just a few million for the rest of the season. Maybe you need a somewhat mobile scarecrow for your backyard?

** Texas Stadium (retail $1.15B, now on sale)
Please note that any purchase of the Cowboys home does not come with a full roof (since pieces are falling off) or sun-blocking curtains. Still, if you want to host a ridiculous sideshow, it’s a good buy.

** Coach Doug Pederson (retail $8.5M, now on sale)
True, the Jaguars haven’t officially tossed their embattled coach aside yet. But go ahead and make an offer if you’re interested. I’m pretty sure the front office will listen.

** Thanksgiving Day tickets (retail $200, now $28)
Speaking of Texas Stadium, standing-room passes for the Giants/Cowboys rivalry game on the holiday are selling for as low as $28 each on resale markets. It’s almost as if people don’t want to pay real money to watch these teams…

I know they won this week, but we’re officially at the point where the Cowboys’ terrible performance on the field is more than just merely an eyesore. It’s an actual public health threat, possibly the worst we have seen in years.

Think I’m exaggerating? Just look at the Dallas secondary and S Israel Mukuamu, a key player for the defense. At first glance, he appears to be a standard team villain with his character clearly spelled out within his name:

Cowboys Free Safety Israel Mukuamu
** Wussy. Beery. Scum. Fake. A moot failure.

Bad enough. But when you look closer — really look closer — you can see there is more than just simple negative vibes here. There is death and disease:

Cowboys Free Safety Israel Mukuamu
** Wry scum abates, offers you leukemia

I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, it’s ridiculous to suggest the Cowboys are plotting another global pandemic just because you found ONE illness hidden in their safety’s name.” And to that I say, you’re just not looking close enough:

Cowboys Free Safety Israel Mukuamu
** Makes tuberculosis for a fee. Way yum.

I still hear you. “OK, two is a coincidence, but …” Let me stop you right there and urge you to LOOK CLOSER:

Cowboys Free Safety Israel Mukuamu
** Yuk row — if my farts cause Ebola, sue me

What more do we need before the government deploys the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to Texas Stadium? They could start widespread contamination during the Thanksgiving game. Our health and welfare are quite literally at stake.

** Technically, Dad dropped another game to me in our picks this week, but I’m waving it off. He reluctantly guessed the 49ers would win, without knowing that Brock Purdy, the greatest player in the history of the NFL according to San Fran fans, was ruled out before the game. So we’re going to keep the standings at me plus-one.

** Last week I predicted the Bears would lose to the Vikings on a last-second FG. How did that game actually turn out? The Bears lost to the Vikings on a game-ending overtime FG. Sounds like a perfect call by me.

** I checked — This is now the third time in this blog’s 18-year history that I’ve made an Ebola joke. First for tuberculosis and leukemia, though.

** There’s still a scenario where the Jaguars and Panthers host playoff games in January. It requires so many things that I didn’t have the patience to type them out here, but it’s possible. There is no scenario left where the Giants could, however.


Week 12 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1502.35 pts
2 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt Awesome), 1463.19 pts
3 — Kodos for President (Jo), 1440.72 pts
4 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1425.05 pts
5 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1407.46 pts
6 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1361.72 pts
7 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 1353.36 pts
8 — Jabronis (Ant), 1344.59 pts
9 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1334.74 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1181.02 pts
11 — The B Sharps (Paul), 1084.65 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 1041.76 pts

A huge week for my Saquon-led team (150.69 pts) combined with Jonathan’s second sub 100-pts week of the season has tightened up the leaderboard a little, or at least enough that I can dream about knocking him off his perch. Less than 40 points separates the two of us.

Jo and Jeff are just a short throw away from me, and then it starts to get sketchy in the standings. But everyone is over the 1,000 pts barrier now, which is an accomplishment that I think we can all be proud of, even though we really didn’t do any work to get there.

This week’s schedule: Three games on Thursday. One game on Friday. One game on Sunday night. One game on Monday. Four games on Saturday after 11pm (maybe, I dunno, the week is so spread out). Get your players squared away before any turkey enters your system.

Fantasy football 2024 -- week 11 recap

At the end of the 2022 season, the New Jersey Giants signed QB Daniel Jones to a four-year, $160 million contract extension as a reward for his strong year leading the team to their first playoff appearance in six years. At the start of the 2023 season, the Eagles signed their QB, Jalen Hurts, to a five-year, $255 million extension. And this summer, the Cowboys signed star QB Dak Prescott to a four year, $240 million contract extension which included a ridiculous $80 million signing bonus immediately.

That’s more than $650 million tied up in three NFC East QBs for the near future. Who is getting the best bang for their buck so far? Here’s a breakdown over the past 20 months:

Total salary paid out, April 2023-Nov 2024
Hurts: $65 million
Jones: $67 million
Prescott: $107 million

Cost per TD over that frame
Hurts: $1.1 million (61 total TDs)
Prescott: $2.1 million (50 total TDs)
Jones: $6.7 million (10 total TDs)

Cost per yard over that frame
Hurts: $9,184 (7,077 passing & rushing yds)
Prescott: $15,758 (6,790 passing & rushing yds)
Jones: $19,420 (3,450 passing & rushing yds)

Cost per win over that frame
Hurts: $3.4 million (19 wins)
Prescott: $7.1 million (15 wins)
Jones: $22.3 million (three wins)

Salary paid out for missed injury time over that frame
Hurts: $0 (no games missed)
Prescott: $7.9 million (two games)
Jones: $27.3 million (11 games)

It’s worth noting that Prescott’s contract value will get worse as this year goes on while the Cowboys pay him to recover from his latest injury, while Jones’ contract value will get worse as the Giants pay him to sit on the sidelines following his benching this week. That makes the Hurts contract look like even more of a deal.

But just remember, it’s still ridiculous money. Every time Jalen Hurts does a 1-yard tush push, it costs almost $10,000.

QB: Jared Goff, 42.58 pts — started by Sam
WR: Amon-Ra St. Brown, 27.83 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Saquon Barkley, 31.07 pts — started by me
TE: Jonnu Smith, 21.73 pts — started by Ant
K: Chris Boswell, 24.00 pts — started by Sam
DEF: Denver, 16.00 pts — on Ant’s bench
D: Derek Barnett, 12.50 pts — on the wire
Taysom Hill: Taysom Hill, 36.69 pts — on the wire

It’s time again for our annual conversation about Taysom Hill.

Taysom Hill, who plays for the Saints, is listed as a QB/TE. He does not, in fact, ever play TE. He should not count as a TE. He should be listed as “slash”, in the mold of Kordell Stewart, the “slash” QB for the Steelers in the late 1990s who actually played QB/RB/WR.

In Sunday’s win, Hill did a little of everything: 18 passing yds, 50 receiving yds, 138 rushing yds, 42 return yds, three TDs, one fumble, one interception. That’s an absolutely mind-boggling stat line. All that’s missing is a tackle and a FG attempt. He had 45.29 fantasy pts total in 10 games coming into Sunday, and nearly equaled that amount in his 11th game.

Hill is an exciting and erratic player. But he is not a TE. If there were any real rules in fantasy, he would be listed as “W/R only.” But there are no rules, because fantasy is not real football.

Shoutout to Goff, who had five interceptions last week when I needed him in my other league and four TDs and a perfect passer rating this week when he was on my bench. I love fantasy football.

Also, former Eagle and current Texan Derek Barnett had a sack, forced fumble, fumble recovery and a defensive TD against the Cowboys on Monday night. The title of ESPN’s featured video clip from the score was “Cowboys fumble twice on same play as Texans score defensive TD.” This really has been a wonderful season.

“Bottom of the barrel” edition

3rd place: New England, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Atlanta, -5.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
1st place: Jacksonville, -6.00 pts — on the wire

Goff’s perfect day came at the expense of the truly awful Jaguars, who lost 52-6 without recording a single sack or turnover on the day. Jacksonville has lost its previous three games by a combined total of 13 points. Their point differential for the season is minus-108 pts, but 46 of that total came in the last contest.

Just missing the list was WR Kadarius Toney, the former first round pick for the Giants and a member of the Chiefs last two Super Bowl winning teams. He was cut in the offseason, picked up by the Browns, and saw his first action of the year this week. He had one rush for -7 yds in Cleveland’s loss to the Saints, no catches, then was demoted to the practice squad on Monday. Life comes at you fast.


** I know he corrected himself a few moments later, but during the Eagles’ Thursday night game, play-by-play announcer Al Michaels made a reference to Philadelphia’s famous “Liberty Bowl.” And I just can’t figure out what he was thinking when it happened.

I mean, it’s a one-ton bell. If you’ve ever seen it, you think “that’s a big bell.” It’s hard to mistake it for anything but a working bell.

Did Michaels temporarily picture it upside down, filled with soup? Did he get it confused with a college bowl game? Was Michaels so bored with the first half of the contest that he wanted to go bowling?

Thankfully, he didn’t try to reference Philly’s famous statue of the Rock standing outside the art museum.

** Ahead of the Steelers upset win on Sunday, Ravens radio announcer Gerry Sandusky painted a picture of a beautiful fall Sunday on the gridiron. “It’s 53 degrees here today, and absolutely perfect weather for football. Barely any clouds, not much wind, no rain or snow at all in the forecast.”

I know Baltimore has a lot of quirks, but do they often get snow there when the temperature is over 50 degrees? Or do they just worry that snowmen may strike at any moment?

All-Pro K Justin Tucker missed two kicks in the first-half of the loss, probably because of the sudden blizzard conditions that can instantly form at any moment without warning.

** Late in the Texans win over the Cowboys on Monday, both teams got in a scuffle and started shoving each other, prompting a flurry of flags. The refs announced personal foul penalties on four Dallas defensive players, and one on a Texans offensive lineman.

And then they announced the penalties offset.

Now, I’m not a math major, but it feels like 60 yards worth of penalties on one team should not be erased because of 15 yards worth of penalties on the opposing team. But everything is bigger in Texas, so maybe that was the problem.
 

 After starting out the year 4-2, Chicago is now 4-6 with a losing streak that includes a pair of brutal, unlikely losses: a last-play Hail Mary by the Maryland Commanders and a last-play blocked FG attempt by the Green Bay Packers. It’s hard to imagine a tougher stretch for any team .. but not impossible. With seven games still left on the schedule, here are other painful, torturous loss possibilities out there for Da Bears:

 
** Week 12: Last-second FG surrendered to the Vikings.
Of those six losses, four have been fewer than six points. But none so far have involved giving up a kick for three on the last play of the game, the most traditional way to entertain last-second heartbreak in the NFL.

** Week 13: End zone interception on the final play against Detroit
Imagine a game where the Bears hang with the high-scoring Lions, have a chance to win with a TD at the end of regulation, drive the ball down inside the 10 and toss a pick under the uprights with no time left on the clock. Brutal.

** Week 14: Overtime loss to the 49ers on a safety.
Getting to overtime shows your squad was good enough to win it. Giving up a safety shows a healthy dose of bad luck and fundamental flaws in strategy. Why not combine the two with a game-ending sack in your own end zone?

** Week 15: Last-second FG surrendered to the Vikings, again.
What’s worse than losing on a final kick once? Losing on a final kick to the same team twice in four weeks.

** Week 17: Meteor strike on the final play against the Seahawks
Nevermind, scratch that. Having your QB killed by a meteor on the final play of the game is still less painful than losing on a Hail Mary.

The Cowboys miserable season (for them, great for us) continues to trudge along, but the front office did make an effort to improve the team ahead of last week’s trade deadline: Sending a fourth-round pick for Panthers WR Jonathan Mingo. The deal itself was a dud, but it was special to note because the trade wrote its own headline. Just look at what his new title clearly spells out:

Dallas wideout Jonathan Mingo
** Hangman to join outlaw lads. Die!

FYI, “Jonathan Mingo” also spells out “Mahjong nation” which coincidentally is what he’s going to be starting at his home in a few weeks, after the Cowboys’ season ends without a playoff invite.

** Dad went 3-1 against me this week, pulling to within one game in our weekly picks showdown. And that’s not the worst of it. Even after I ridiculed him here for multiple weeks for picking the Jets, I decided to put my faith in the New Jersey squad on Sunday when even Dad wouldn’t touch them. So, the joke is on me, and I have learned my lesson. No more picking the Jets … unless they play the Jaguars … which they do in four weeks…

** Delaware won its final home game as a FCS school on Saturday, bringing their record to 9-1 on the season. Their last regular season game before heading to Conference USA next year will be a win over Villanova next week, and then hopefully a long run in their final FCS playoffs appearance.

** The 49ers have lost three games this year where they were leading with two minutes left in the game. I think that’s neat.


Week 11 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1408.89 pts
2 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1326.71 pts
3 — Kodos for President (Jo), 1320.04 pts
4 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1318.61 pts
5 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 1312.50 pts
6 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1262.85 pts
7 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1243.59 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 1225.35 pts
9 — Jabronis (Ant), 1209.63 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 1111.15 pts
11 — The B Sharps (Paul), 1006.46 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 942.39 pts

Big weeks for Mike and Jeff have created a logjam around the second-place podium perch, and firmly established four tiers in the standings.

At the bottom are Paul and Joel, both 400-plus points out of first. Realistically, they’d need all of use to lose our logins to get back into this fight.

Next up are the under-fives, all sitting at least 140 pts out of the top spot. It’s not impossible for them to get back into contention, but it’s going to take a lot of luck over the last seven weeks to get there.

Everyone in our second-place pack is within 100 points of the lead, but no one is closer than 80 pts. Someone could climb that mountain, but it’ll take work. And maybe a pickaxe in the back of other coaches.

And the last tier is Jonathan, the reigning Awesome Cup champ, all by himself in first place. Mike scored 159.69 pts this week and only managed to pick up 27 pts in the standings, because Still the Best seems to hit 130 consistently every week. Luckily, he has several key players still to hit a bye, but the biggest one — QB Lamar Jackson, the top scorer in the league — doesn’t sit until week 14.

Six other teams have byes this week, though: The Bills, Falcons, Bengals, Saints, Jets and Jaguars. And there is still a Thursday night game. So check those rosters early, you may need to make a lot of adjustments this weekend.

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 10 recap

Week 10 will go down in the 2024 NFL record as the week that teams finally broke football. Here’s a quick recap of things that defied logic but actually happened:

** The Lions threw five interceptions. They won anyway.
Houston threw two picks of its own and missed a late 4th-quarter FG attempt, giving the Lions an opportunity to win the game on a final-play kick. Detroit trailed 23-7 at the half but won 26-23.

 
** The Falcons had a 300-yd passer and a 100-yd rusher. They lost anyway.
Despite racking up 468 offensive yds, Atlanta missed three FGs and turned the ball over twice. That let the Saints escape with a 20-17 upset.

** The Vikings had three turnovers and failed to score a touchdown. They won anyway.
Amazingly, the 12-7 win over the Jaguars was the second time since 2006 that a team hasn’t gotten a TD and was -3 in turnovers in a victory.

** The Bengals had 264 receiving yds and three TDs from WR Ja’Marr Chase. They lost anyway.
QB Joe Burrow threw four TDs in the Thursday night game, but failed to connect on a last-minute two-point try. The Ravens won, 35-34. Chase has a combined 21 catches, 457 yds and five TDs in two games against Baltimore this year, both losses.

** The Panthers let their team on the field. They won anyway.
With arguably the worst roster in modern football history, Carolina squeaked out a 20-17 overtime win against the New Jersey Giants. It’s their second win in a row, and their second winning streak of any kind since October 2021.

QB: Joe Burrow, 41.72 pts — started by Jeff
WR: Ja’Marr Chase, 41.10 pts — started by Mike
RB: Bijan Robinson, 26.97 pts — started by Bob
TE: Travis Kelce, 14.27 pts — started by Jonathan
K: Tyler Bass, 13.00 pts — started by Bob
DEF: Philadelphia, 23.00 pts — started by me
D: Taron Johnson, 12.50 pts — on the wire

It’s always the defensive player. Speaking of defense, the #2 defense on the week was Buffalo, with 20.00 pts, sitting on my bench.

Since I gave you Chase’s numbers in the two Ravens games, here are Burrow’s: 820 passing yds, nine TDs, 1 INT, two losses. Baltimore QB Lamar Jackson managed 10 total TDs in those games, in which the two teams totaled 141 combined points. Just wow.

Don’t look now, but over the last four weeks, Eagles QB Jalen Hurts actually has more total TDs (16) than Jackson (15) with the same number of turnovers (both 2). And over that span, Hurts’ team is 4-0, unlike the MVP-favorite Jackson’s Ravens, who are 3-1.

Hurts also leads the league in first-half brain farts, with 472.

“Names we know” edition

3rd place: Jalen Reagor, -0.20 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Olamide Zaccheaus, -0.97 pts — on the wire
1st place: Cooper Rush, -2.00 pts — on the wire

Zaccheaus, who was on the Eagles last year, nearly muffed the first punt he saw in Sunday’s Commanders game and fumbled the second, leading to a key Steelers score and a Pittsburgh win. Reagor, who never “played” for the Eagles but did steal a roster spot for a while, produced -2 yds rushing on two WR runs, and did nothing else.

But let’s talk about Cowboys backup QB Cooper Rush, who played three quarters and produced one of the worst performances of the season: 13 for 23, 45 passing yds and two lost fumbles. Completing that many passes for less than 4 yds a catch is really, really hard.

For what it’s worth, nine QBs had two or more turnovers in games this weekend (including Jalen Hurts). Their combined record was 4-5, which, all things considered, is surprisingly good.


** During the radio broadcast of the Panthers/Giants game Sunday, play-by-play announcer Bob Papa noted the large number of cheers after the Giants grabbed a turnover late in the fourth quarter. “This may be a Panthers home game, but there are plenty of Giants fans here today!” he exclaimed.

What he failed to mention was that the game was taking place in Germany, which is not the traditional home turf of the Carolina Panthers. So that small contingent of Giants faithful outnumbering the even smaller contingent of Panthers fans isn’t as impressive as Papa may think.

** Facing criticism after WR CeeDee Lamb lost a potential go-ahead TD catch in the sun glaring through the side of Texas Stadium, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones flatly rejected the idea of putting up curtains to help players on the field see better because … well …

“Every team that comes in here has the same issues,” he said. “They know where the sun is going to be. Every team has the same thing. I’m not saying it’s on our coach. I’m saying the world knows where the sun is. We get to know that almost a year in advance. So someone asked me about the sun. What about the sun? Where’s the moon? We’re fine. But everybody plays in the sun out here.”

There you have it. Astronomers can estimate the distance from the sun to the Earth, so football players should be able to catch a ball while staring right into it. That’s just science.

** I was listening to the Columbus broadcast of the Ohio State game this weekend and the Ohio Soy Council had a commercial talking about all the products soy is used in that ends with the statement “soy low key slays” and that was the point that I decided this country is no longer worth saving.

Sunday was only the first of two games for the Eagles against the Cowboys this year, but the game was full of other notable firsts for the victorious birds:

** First win over Dallas after week 9 since 2019. (Six games)

** First win over the Cowboys in Texas since 2017. (Eight games)

** First time holding Dallas to no TDs since 2020. (Nine games)

** First time Saquon Barkley has won against the Cowboys. (10 games)

** First time scoring more than 30 in a win against Dallas since 2017. (15 games)

** First time forcing five turnovers against the Cowboys since 2008. (33 games)

** First time ending the Cowboys season with eight games left on the schedule. (131 games)

As if the Eagles embarrassment of the Cowboys at home on Sunday wasn’t enough, team officials confirmed in recent days that their $240 million QB, Dak Prescott, will require a season-ending operation on his leg to repair damage to his hamstring. The news is grim, but with how wild the NFL is, can you really count Dallas out of the playoff chase?

Yes. Yes you can. Just look at what the prognosis spells out:

Hamstring surgery needed for Dak Prescott
** Postseason march? Ended. Try grief drug trek.

The good news is that Dak has only missed 22% of regular season games over the last five years due to injury, so there’s no reason to think he can’t get hurt several more times before that giant contract is paid off.

** Dad’s never-ending faith in the Jets let him down again, and he sits three behind me in our weekly picks. But I’m sure next week will be the time that Aaron Rodgers finally turns it all around.

** The Eagles play the Marlyand Commies for the undisputed lead in the NFC East next week. The Commies are 7-3 but 0-2 against teams with winning records. The Eagles are 7-2 and sport a much more impressive … 1-1 record against teams with winning records. So, yeah, this game should really tell us … something.

** In its 14-3 win over North Texas on Saturday, Army football had a 94-yard second-half TD drive that lasted 21 plays and took 13:54 off the clock. I’m trying to come up with a joke but honestly I don’t even understand how the math works on that.

Week 10 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1276.35 pts
2 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt Awesome), 1213.59 pts
3 — Kodos for President (Jo), 1192.77 pts
4 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1188.52 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1158.92 pts
6 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1154.03 pts
7 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1149.18 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Dad), 1105.18 pts
9 — Jabronis (Ant), 1100.18 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 980.09 pts
11 — Overachievers Anonymous (Paul), 920.72 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 864.03 pts

Jonathan extended his lead slightly this week, and our top three spots remain unchanged, which means that Fort Awesome maintains a military blockade around the medal stand.

Mom D is up a few spots, Bob is down a few spots, and five teams — Dad, Jeff, Joel, Paul and Sam — failed to crack 90 pts this week. There’s now a growing canyon right around that 8th-place spot that soon may be impossible to cross over, even with eight weeks of football left.

Speaking of all the football left … Eagles play the Commies on Thursday night, and four teams have a bye this week (including the Giants and Panthers, so that has major fantasy implications for you). Check your bench early and make sure to get your team above the century mark next week.

Fantasty Football 2024 -- week 9 recap

Here’s a quick public service announcement for this Election Day: When you’re faced with a series of different options, it’s always smart to go for the best one.

Some people have a lot of problems choosing between all the possibilities, and wish they could just go for two. It might feel right at the moment. It may seem like it gives your team more advantage down the road. But that’s just silly.

In all but a few cases, opting for two doesn’t make any long-term sense. If you take the best one, you get the one you need. If you keep reaching for two separate points instead of a single, solid one, you can risk spoiling the whole project and end up with nothing at all. It’s especially foolish to go for two early, potentially risking all of your other options later.

Just look at a hypothetical voter whose candidate has the lead. He might believe that opting for two will help his team win, because two just means more. He might decide to go for two multiple times in one session. But as he makes that same mistake over and over and over again, now the opponent’s standard bearer begins to catch up, endangering the victory.

(Sure, in some contests, you can choose up to three different points. But that just feels crazy to even talk about when some people can’t even figure out the ones and twos.)

So this Election Day, let’s reject the idea of always backing the two-point play, and instead embrace the solid single option. It’s better for democracy. And it’ll keep the screaming public a little quieter, confident that they know the proper decisions are being made when and where it matters the most.

QB: Joe Burrow, 39.14 pts — started by Jeff
WR: Jaxon Smith-Njigba, 28.00 pts — started by Joel
RB: Saquon Barkley, 33.90 pts — started by me
TE: Mike Gesicki, 21.17 pts — on the wire
K: Tyler Bass, 14.00 pts — started by Bob
DEF: LA Rams, 23.00 pts — on the wire
D: (tie) Kamren Kinchens, 12.50 pts — on the wire
D: (tie) Trey Hendrickson, 12.50 pts — on the wire

RB Derrick Henry became the first RB on the season to top 1,000 yards rushing on Sunday, but only because his team hasn’t had a bye yet. Barkley, who rushed for 159 yds against the Jaguars, has 925 so far this year, and is just a hair behind Henry’s pace (115.6 yds per game for Barkley, vs 116.8 for Henry). But Barkley is also averaging 8 more receiving yds a game than Henry, making him the more productive all around back. What I’m saying is that Barkley may have been worth that big contract.

I normally wouldn’t care to name both the top defensive players, but this week it was worth noting. Kinchens scored the bulk of his points via an interception returned for a TD, as you might expect, but Hendrickson did not. The Bengals DE had four sacks, one forced fumble and two pass defenses against the Raiders, which is just a wild stat line. If he’s taking down the QB and batting down passes, maybe move him out to the linebacker post.

Joe Burrow had one TD pass when I had to start him in another league last week and five TD passes when I benched him this week, so I hate him and will not discuss any further.

“Players we own” edition

3rd place: Miami, 0.00 pts — on Jo’s bench
2nd place: Xavier Worthy, -1.00 pts — started by Dad
1st place: Denver, -5.00 pts — started by Ant

Denver got blown out by the Ravens, Worthy had a rush go for -10 yds and had bad luck the rest of his game. Those two make sense.

Miami just didn’t do anything, really. They recorded one sack and one turnover. They allowed 30 pts, which is bad, but not so bad that it’s interesting. They just … were there. Their defense scored as many points as the 49ers this week, and San Fran was on a bye.

Even odder, it’s the fourth time they’ve scored exactly zero points in a contest this year. Their other four games? Seven, seven, seven and … four. Well, the pattern was fun while it lasted.

** Headline on ESPN.com on Monday morning: Should Saquon Barkley be in the conversation for Offensive Player of the Year?

Their answer: Yes!

Great piece, guys. Way to stake out the unpopular position that the player with the most offensive yards per game should be considered for the offensive player of the year award. Next you’ll tell me that the team with the best score at the end of the Super Bowl should be considered as the league champion.

** Saints owner Gayle Benson said in a statement Monday that head coach Dennis Allen “is highly regarded within the NFL … has been extremely loyal and professional, and most importantly an excellent football coach for us.”

And then she announced he was fired, because the team is 2-7, because he has a 18-25 record with the team over the last three years, and because he has not been an excellent football coach for the team.

It was a very polite sentiment, though.

** Lost in the Patriots overtime loss on Sunday to the Titans (a game that no one should have been watching) was the coin toss at the end of regulation. As the visiting team, the Patriots got the chance to call. When they guessed wrong, the Titans opted to receive the ball first. And then the Patriots got to choose which end zone to defend. They chose to try and play into the wind, a decision that no sane coach would ever make.

After the game, Patriots coach Jerod Mayo blamed the error on varying weather conditions. “The wind had changed from the beginning of the game to the end of the game. So that’s what happened.”

And that’s a perfectly reasonable response, if he had to choose which side to defend three hours earlier. Dude, stick your finger into the air and see which way the wind is blowing. Then pick the right direction.

This isn’t advanced math, like trying to decide whether to go for one or two points when you’ve got a lead. That takes real coaching skill.

Tuesday was the NFL’s trade deadline, and while a few teams swapped picks and players, no one truly filled their biggest needs. According to NFL insiders, here are a few deals that were on the table but fell apart at the last minute:

** Philadelphia trades a 3rd-round pick for Indianapolis Coach Shane Steichen
This would have been great — Steichen, who served as the Eagles’ offensive coordinator during their last Super Bowl run — would have come back to helm a talented team in need of better coaching. The deal was nixed by Colts officials after the Eagles demanded they include $5.75 in bus fare to move Sirianni out of town.

** Maryland trades two 4th-round picks to Arizona for their mascot
The Maryland Cardinals isn’t a great name, but it makes more sense on the East Coast and is far, far better than the Commanders. Arizona owners were ready to go through with the trade until the NFL rejected their proposed new name: the Redskins, a tribute to all the sunburn victims in the desert outside Phoenix. Apparently there are some problems with that moniker...

** Dallas trades $5 million in cash to New England for a single soul
At first glance, it may seem surprising that Cowboys would be looking for a soul at all, given their godless, heathenistic approach to everything. But it’s always good to have one around for occult sacrifices. Sadly, the Patriots could not complete this deal because the entire region already sold their souls to the devil for 20 years of sports success.

** San Francisco trades a 7th-round pick to Carolina for extra hamstrings
The 49ers have been decimated by injuries this year, so a few spare body parts are going to be needed to get them over the finish line. The Panthers’ players aren’t really using any of theirs, so it seemed like a decent swap, but local public health officials stepped in and raised objections.

** Cleveland trades DeSean Watson to hell
This one shouldn’t really be included on the list, because it’s not realistic. Hell has no interest in taking Watson, price or no price.

Since early this year, the NFL Votes campaign has been encouraging players and fans to make their voice heard in this year’s election. All 32 clubs have taken part in the effort, although you can tell some players don’t really care.

Take, for instance, Dallas LB Nick Vigil. The nine-year pro had only two tackles in Sunday’s third-consecutive team loss, but somehow didn’t have any time to take part in the get-out-the-vote program. Why? Well, the answer is pretty obvious when you look at his name:

Dallas Cowboys outside linebacker Nick Vigil
** A candid suck — Losers be voting. I lack will. I obey.

It doesn’t surprise me that a member of the Cowboys is against the most fundamental tenets of democracy. It just upsets me that we let people like him flaunt it around impressionable youth every Sunday.

** Dad and I split our picks again this week, so I remain one ahead of him in the yearly standings. This contest is so close, Nick Sirianni is gonna refuse to kick the extra point.

** By the way, the Eagles scored in the first quarter, finally. I expect them to make up for the slow start to the first half of the season by scoring in the first quarter of every remaining game now.

** Vegas has the Eagles at 6-to-1 odds to win the NFC, the third best of any team. And boasting a 6-2 record, that makes some sense. They trail the 7-1 Lions (2-to-1 odds) and …the 4-4 49ers (5-to-1 odds), who have the 8th best record in the conference and would not be in the playoffs if the postseason started today. Sure, that makes sense. They’re clearly a bigger threat than the six other teams with a better record.

** I'm not sure I really expressed it well in the column this week, so let me be clear: I don't think Sirianni did a good job with score management this week. I just don't want to be too subtle about that. 

 
Week 9 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1137.02 pts
2 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 1099.72 pts
3 — Kodos for President (Jo), 1077.46 pts
4 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1072.21 pts
5 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1066.51 pts
6 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 1039.83 pts
7 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 1028.48 pts
8 — Beer 'n Chips (Dad), 1017.81 pts
9 — Jabronis (Ant), 1009.61 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 895.95 pts
11 — Overachievers Anonymous (Paul), 870.77 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 778.57 pts

Now we’re talking. Jonathan remains in first place, but his lead is smaller thanks to my 164.83 pts this week, the highest for any team so far this season. Across my four fantasy leagues, my teams are now in second, second, second and … sixth. Well, the pattern was fun while it lasted.

Fort Awesome residents are again perched across all the medal stand spots, with Jeff close behind. Bob’s 142.34 pts would have been good enough for the top spot most other weeks, but instead he’ll just have to settle for climbing back into the mix. Sam and Paul are just barely hanging onto the edge of the precipice. Joel has fallen to his doom.

There’s a big Thursday game this week — Ravens vs. Bengals — and a Sunday morning game in Germany featuring the Giants and the Panthers. We must still really hate Germany. Four teams are on a bye this week, so get your lineups set early.

Fantasy Football 2024 -- week 8 recap

In honor of Halloween this week, here’s a look at how closely some NFL teams track with classic horror movies:

** Kansas City Chiefs — Friday the 13th, part 8
It doesn’t matter how many times they look dead or how dull the play gets, the Chiefs just keep coming back again and again and again and again.

** Tennessee Titans — Night of the Living Dead
Can you name anyone on this team anymore? It’s a monotone collection of zombie players, all shuffling towards oblivion.

** New Jersey Jets — Scary Movie
People keep dying left and right, and yet somehow this whole thing is just a slapstick comedy.

** Philadelphia Eagles — The Birds
They don’t seem like they should be scary, but they are 5-2 and starting to swarm. Also, they’re both birds. Not sure if you caught that subtlety.

** Jacksonville Jaguars — An American Werewolf in London
Through eight games, the only time the Jacksonville team has really bared any teeth was when they beat up the Patriots in England in week 7.

** New Jersey Giants — Frankenstein
At this point. QB Daniel Jones is really just a loose collection of poorly assembled parts.

** Carolina Panthers — Cats
Honestly, the only way Panthers games could be scarier to watch is if the players started chanting “jellicle” on the sidelines after every play. 

QB: Jalen Hurts, 37.14 — started by me
WR: CeeDee Lamb, 28.73 pts — started by Paul
RB: James Cook, 26.07 pts — started by Ant
TE: Cade Otton, 21.90 pts — started by Sam
K: Anders Carlson, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Detroit, 17.00 pts — on Dad’s bench
D: T.J. Watt, 10.50 pts — started by Dad

FYI, the number two QB on the week was Kirk Cousins, with 36.64 pts … on my bench.

RB Saquon Barkley is second in the league in rushing yds and has five rushing TDs. That would be good enough to be in the lead or tied for the best on 24 teams in the NFL this season, but only good enough for second on the Eagles. Hurts has seven, thanks to three on Sunday.

You know WR CeeDee Lamb (Or “Mr. Debacle, wee!” as we like to call him around here), but can you name the rest of the top five wideouts on the week?

** Ladd McConkey, 22.96 pts
** Cedric Tillman, 22.10 pts
** Calvin Austin III, 18.56 pts
** Kalif Raymond, 17.73 pts

Unlike Lamb, they all played for winning teams this weekend, and I’m willing to bet you never heard of any of them before now. Go ahead, guess what roster they’re on, or what QB was throwing to them.

“Getting defensive” edition

2nd place: (tie) Dee Williams, -2.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Tennessee, -2.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Cincinnati, -6.00 pts — on Jeff’s bench

Congrats to the Bengals, the first defensive squad to manage the lowest score possible this season. Cincy recorded no sacks, no turnovers, and no signs of life in their 37-17 loss to the Eagles. Even the Titans managed to get a few positive points in their game, and they lost 52-14 to the Lions. Ouch.

But even more amazing are the Panthers, whose defense tallied 3.00 fantasy points this week to bring their season-long total to … -2.00 pts. For the whole season. They’ve given up a league-worst 265 defensive pts so far and have scored negative fantasy points in five of their eight games. And yet they somehow managed to win one game. Go figure.


** Fox college football analyst Joel Klatt previewed Saturday's Ohio State/Nebraska contest by noting that “both teams are coming off almost the exact same situation heading into this game.” He predicted the preceding losses would both weigh heavily on the coaches’ minds.

For Ohio State, their previous game was a last-second 32-31 loss to #1 Oregon. Two days later, college football execs actually changed rules regarding “too many men on the field” penalties because the Ducks exploited a loophole to cheat the Buckeyes out of a game-winning FG attempt.

Nebraska had a nearly identical heartbreak in their prior game: A last-second, 56-7 loss to Indiana. Just like the Buckeyes, they were in it for the whole game, as long as you consider the “game” to be only the first seven minutes of competition. If the Cornhuskers had just landed that one 50-point play in the fourth quarter, they could have escaped with a win.

** Watching the Sunday night game, the refs threw a flag for offensive pass interference after the 49ers second touchdown, but decided to waive off the penalty after a short conference. NBC rules analyst Terry McAulay agreed with the decision and said it was “a correctly picked up flag.”

As Jo pointed out immediately, that’s dumb. There is no such thing as a correctly picked up flag. It’s a “wrongly thrown flag.” If there wasn’t a penalty, stop slowing down the contest to get yourself air time.

Incidentally, the score came just minutes after a Dak Prescott interception, or a “incorrectly thrown completed pass” as the refs like to call it.

** Headline in the Washington Post on Tuesday: “The Commanders’ Hail Mary wasn’t about luck. It was about hope.”

The thrust of the article seemed to be that while the Maryland football team won on a fortunate play, you can’t call it lucky because they practiced those kinds of tip drills in the past, in anticipation of it mattering one day. I guess they did a good job hoping the whole Bears defense would misplay a long bomb and allow a receiver to stand unguarded when a tipped ball hoped his way.

The Eagles could cement their place in football lore by simply doing nothing for the rest of the season.

Philadelphia has an impressive streak going for their past seven games (and two more last year): zero points scored in the first quarter. Right now they’re 10 points behind the next closest team (the Bears) and 72 points behind the leader in early scoring, the Minnesota Vikings.

But that’s all in the past. Let’s focus on the future.

It feels inevitable that the Eagles will score in the first quarter again. They almost did it Sunday, when they kicked a field goal on their opening drive, a series which started in the first and ended in the early second quarter. At this point, they’ll need to score 29 points in the next nine first quarters to average just 1.8 points for the opening period on the season.

Why is that 1.8 points mark significant? Over the last 20 years, only eleven teams have scored at that rate or worse in the opening quarter. And of that group, none have had a winning record. Only the 2004 Saints (29 first quarter points) had a .500 record. Of the rest, eight were 4-12 or worse. The 2009 Rams managed only 16 points in the first all year, and finished with a 1-15 record.

So the record books are there for the rewriting. Right now, the Eagles are averaging the lowest first-quarter scoring in the league and have a winning record. They could be the first team to make the playoffs without ever really playing in the first quarter. It’s a lofty goal, and one that can really only be achieved if they set their mind to continuing to flounder early in games, digging themselves into a hole from which they later pull themselves out.

FYI, the worst Eagles first-quarter scoring mark of the last two decades? That was in 2012, when they scored 30 points in that period over the whole 16 game schedule. They went 4-12 that year, one less win than the 2024 Eagles already have recorded.


Offensive lineman Terence Steele has evolved into a key contributor for Dallas since he was signed as an undrafted free agent in 2020. The impact isn’t really seen too much on the field — the Cowboys stink this season — but he has been a critical culture guy for the locker room. That’s no surprise, just look at what his name clearly spells out:

Dallas Right Tackle Terence Steele
** Degenerate: Kills tact, creates hell

Creating hell is a key component for the Cowboys practice schedule. Without it, they’re just another mediocre, underachieving team.

** Great news — I made a mistake again in the season contest against Dad last week, and we were actually tied (instead of me being one down). Now, thanks to a 2-1 week against him, I’m plus-1 on the year. My picks have been so good, I could double or even triple that season-long margin this weekend.

** McConkey is on the Chargers, Tillman is on the Browns, Austin is a punt returner/WR for the Steelers, and Kalif Raymond is the #17 wideout on the Lions. No idea how any of them got on to the top of the WR scoring this week.

** Some folks in the DC area are trying to label Sunday’s Hail Mary win for the Commanders “the miracle on the mall,” which is hilarious because the stadium isn’t even in the city and sits nowhere near the National Mall. However, not gonna lie, “Hail Maryland” is kinda awesome.

Week 8 standings

1 — Still The Best (Jonathan), 1015.98 pts
2 — Kodos for President (Jo), 969.83 pts
3 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 961.30 pts
4 — Jabronis (Ant), 943.06 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 935.05 pts
6 — Chop Block to the Artery (Capt. Awesome), 934.89 pts
7 — DeVonta’s Inferno (Mom D), 900.22 pts
8 — No One Likes Us We Don't Care (Bob), 897.49 pts
9 — Beer 'n Chips (Pop), 897.08 pts
10 — The Fightin Pickles (Sam), 799.35 pts
11 — Overachievers Anonymous (Paul), 786.36 pts
12 — All Rogers No Sauce (Joel), 679.04 pts

We’ve got our first team to top the 1,000 points barrier this season, and it’s the reigning Awesome Cup champion. Jonathan’s squad posted an impressive 137.67 pts week, the fourth time in the last five weeks he has scored at least 130. He’s got a 46-point lead over his mother and the rest of the field, with half a season remaining.

Mike and Sam also scored over 140 fantasy points each, improving their positions. Ten teams scored over 100 points, and Jeff just missed the cut at 95.42. We’ll just quietly leave Joel alone for this week…

Only two byes next week (49ers and Steelers) and all the games are happening in the United States. Well, maybe not the Dolphins/Bills game, since Buffalo is pretty much Canada. But it fits the right time zone profile. So get those rosters set and ready early.