Fantasy League 2022 -- draft order announcement

It’s hard to believe that this whole enterprise was just a little baby of a league once, too small and fragile to understand the complexities of the world held inside it. But that is no more. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the 21st season of our fantasy football battlefield, which means the league is old enough to get drunk this year. And get drunk it shall — off the tears of heartbreak and agony provided by your failures throughout the year.

But before we can get to that sweet, sweet vintage, we need our annual draft order unveiling. And to help with that, we have a special guest this year: none other than former Eagles wideout JJ Arcega-Whiteside. As a sign that there is no ill-will between myself and him after his disappointing stint with the Eagles, JJAW has graciously agreed to hold the helmet where the names are drawn to help officially start the year.

(JJAW is handed the helmet)

(JJAW drops the helmet)

(JJAW is handed the helmet a second time)

(JJAW bats the helmet into the air where it is intercepted by a Giants defensive back)

(JJAW is dismissed forever from league activities)

Sigh. OK, here are the rules of how we do the draft order every year. And the name selection will be done by the younger half of the stars of the Junior Awesome blog, since the older half is an active participant in the league. We’re not even going to let him in the room for the event. We’ve told him to go sit on his bed and think about what he has done. Everyone else’s proxy is present for the festivities, so the first four names go into the helmet, and the initial loser selected is …

Pick #12 — Jo

The winner of “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time” gets the last pick in the first round this year. Titles last forever, so that should be enough to raise her spirits, but Joanna’s representative at the draft — an old Eli Manning bobblehead doll I keep meaning to throw away — shakes its head in disappointment. Jo again asks why she needs a proxy if she is standing right here for the drawing. She is ignored, and we move onto the next name, which is…

Pick #11 — Jonathan
A yell goes up from the other room, which is also ignored. Jonathan finished second in the league in his rookie year, picking from the #12 spot. So the #11 spot should mean he improves his final standing by one as well, right? The boy’s stand-in, a Lego figure of Hagrid from the Harry Potter series, stares blankly ahead in response. The other child and I press on to get the next name out, which belongs to …

Pick #10 — Mike
You’d think with her birthday around the corner, the younger child would want to be helping out family members who could be buying her nicer birthday gifts, but not so much. Last year’s fourth-place finisher falls one spot in the draft order. His proxy, a camp fan with Darth Vader stickers on it, blows a foreboding wind across the desk as I record the spot. Sensing danger, the girl child and I move on to the next pick…

Pick #9 — Bob
So far, there’s not a lot of drama in the picks this season. Bob finished in third place in 2021, which means our top four finishers got the bottom four draft picks. And really, that’s how drafts are supposed to work. Bob’s representative, a vintage Harry Kalas bean bag doll, smiles on in approval. I can almost hear Bob singing “High Hopes” as he looks forward to his meh draft position. Another name goes into the helmet, and the next sucker picked out is…

Pick #8 — Capt. Awesome
Well, that’s not great. Every year I think this ridiculous draft order scheme is going to help me, and every year I manage to move up several spots to a worse pick. I do, however, have the best proxy of anyone in the room to help inspire me to greatness: my new #20 Brian Dawkins Phillies jersey T-shirt. No, you read that right. A Dawkins Phillies shirt. I actually own one. And it is glorious:

So, in an important way, I have already won this year. But we continue on with picking the names anyway, and the next one out is…

Pick #7 — Jeff
Jeff finished 6th last year so his pick here is … exactly where he should have picked. Huh. I was really expecting more excitement this year. The Blue Collar Killers, represented by my unfolded blue dress shirts sitting in a pile by the couch, crumple slightly in agreement. The girl child asks if she’s in trouble for already picking out my name. I tell her to finish her work because she’s sleeping on the floor tonight. The next name out of the helmet is …

Pick #6 — Pop
Oooh, tough break for Pop, who falls two spots from his disappointing 2021 9th place finish. His proxy, the latest copy of the C4 newsletter, notes that “when attempting to assign a grade to colonial coins, it is extremely important to look not only at the relief detail of the coin, but also at the surfaces of the coin.” Please keep that in mind when you’re trying to decide where to rank older surfaces like QB Tom Brady in your pre-draft rankings. Onto the next name, which belongs to…

Pick #5 — Grandmom Linda
Oh, I get it now. The girl child moved Grandmom up in the rankings three spots because she knows who always buys the most presents.On cue, Grandmom’s representative — a roll of Christmas wrapping paper — falls from a nearby shelf and starts to wrap itself onto some old toys. This is the most questionable draft decision since the Eagles took WR Jalen Reagor over WR Justin Jefferson. (Still on the team, somehow!) The final four names are in the helmet, and the next spot goes to …

Pick #4 — Joel
Joel ends up with the most problematic pick in fantasy football, where all the experts tell you to take the first WR but most folks take the fourth RB instead. His stand-in, a football autographed by Rich Gannon, seems to suggest he should consider taking a QB instead. It’s bad advice, but at least it's on brand. Jonathan asks if he’s allowed out of his room yet. He is ignored, and another name is drawn out …

Pick #3 — Sam
Great news for Sam, who moved up four spots to grab the bronze medal pick slot. His proxy, a copy of “Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl,” promises Ninja-Turtle-level pain for the rest of the league. Or maybe it’s Spongebob-level. I’m not sure which one would be more fearsome on a football field. The younger child asks if Sam might buy her a birthday present. I tell her there are only two names left, so the last loser is …

Pick #2 — Paul
2021’s last place finisher does not get the first pick two years in a row. There is no reaction from Paul’s representative: a calculator that only has the first four numbers working, because Paul usually forgets all about the league around week 4. Maybe this year will be different. And maybe the Eagles will actually try to find linebackers who tackle someday. Without holding our breath for that, Paul’s placement in the draft order means this year’s early winner is …

Pick #1 — Ant
The last time Ant had the top pick in our league was 2015, when Chip Kelly was the Eagles coach and Darren Sproles was still alive (RIP, his knees). Ant finished third that year, despite drafting RB LaDanian Tomlinson #1 overall (probably. I’m not gonna go check). Jonathan is allowed to return to the room temporarily to high-five his godfather’s proxy, an out-of-tune guitar purchased when Donovan McNabb was still the Philly starting QB. As the boy taps the instrument, you can just barely imagine “Fly, Eagles, Fly” playing softly.

That’s it, folks. I’ll switch the league over to autodraft sometime on Saturday (Sept. 3), so get your affairs in order. Remember to set your pre-draft rankings to avoid injured players, players who will be injured again soon (looking at you, Miles Sanders) and all the Cowboys you can find. Any questions or last minute changes, drop me a line. Good luck to all on the imaginary gridiron out there.

Fantasy league 2021 -- final season recap

It’s always difficult to say goodbye to a fantasy season, especially one as special as “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time.” But the NFL’s decision to add another game, then rig the final game of the season to go into overtime, gave us as much regular season football as any normal person can handle. So, as is tradition, it is time to crown our glorious champion, right after we recognize the 11 losers left in her wake:

Clever Team Name (Paul)
Yahoo ranking: 2330.84 pts, 2nd place
My ranking: 2000.01 pts, 8th place
Actual finish: 1365.09 pts, 12th place
NFL equivalent: Jacksonville Jaguars

Pretty sure Paul was kidnapped by a foriegn government sometime in mid-October, because we haven’t heard from him since. I’m not sure it would have mattered much, though. QB Russell Wilson was a disappointment for most of the year, RB Christian McCaffery was a top-pick injury bust for the season in a row, and TE Darren Waller killed my two other fantasy teams along with Paul’s. On the plus side, if Paul is serving prison time overseas, they probably have soccer on, so he’ll be paying attention to that.

Not That Four Seasons (Ant)
Yahoo ranking: 2019.67 pts, 12th place
My ranking: 2019.67 pts, 6th place
Actual finish: 1899.12 pts, 11th place
NFL equivalent: New Jersey Giants

Oh boy. Much like Antonio Brown going from a top WR to a shirtless fool in the end zone, this team went from bad to really bad quickly. As recently as early December, Anthony’s team was in 8th place and looking up at the top half of the standings. Then QB Lamar Jackson got hurt, WR Courtland Sutton disappeared completely, and RB Javonte Williams stopped scoring too. Ant’s team failed to top 85 pts three times in the last four weeks, much like the Giants failed to score more than 10 points in any of their last four games. Unlike Brown’s meltdown, at least Ant managed to keep his clothes on (as far as we know…)

Patriots Secret Cam (Joel)
Yahoo ranking: 2166.32 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 1996.05 pts, 9th place
Actual finish: 1911.57 pts, 10th place
NFL equivalent: Seattle Seahawks

Ignoring my preseason prediction, I’m not sure how Joel’s team ended up down this low. QB Tom Brady was solid. RB Joe Mixon was a top-three rusher. TE Dalton Schultz was top three at his position too. And after that … well … OK, I see what happened here. Joel only had one wideout in the top 35 (Keenan Allen) and only one RB in the top 45 (Mixon). Gotta field a whole team, not just a couple of stars. Seattle found that out the hard way this year.

It’s All Hurts (Dad)
Yahoo ranking: 2400.24 pts, 1st place
My ranking: 1703.03 pts, 12th place
Actual finish: 1917.11 pts, 9th place
NFL equivalent: Miami Dolphins

One of my favorite fantasy jokes every year is waiting for Dad to get the top post-draft ranking from Yahoo, then watching those predictions crash and burn. This year was no exception, with the search engine’s bizarre algorithm overrating his squad yet again. But instead of burying Dad’s fortunes this season, I come here to praise his dedication to the game. His squad was 100 points out of 10th place at the start of December after a miserable combination of gawd-awful WR play, sub-par results from RB Dalvin Cook and an unholy QB combination of Derek Carr and Carson Wentz. And yet he stuck with it, slowly climbed back up the standings and jumped into the single-digit ranks. That’s the kind of heart I want to see out of all of our coaches each year. And so, in recognition of his solid, steady focus, I award him the coveted “Dan Marino Award for Excellence.” It doesn’t come close to a championship at all, but it feels like an important award anyways.

Kneel Armstrong (Sam)
Yahoo ranking: 2234.04 pts, 7th place
My ranking: 2233.44 pts, 4th place
Actual finish: 2016.43 pts, 8th place
NFL equivalent: San Diego Chargers

The Chargers missed the playoffs by a last-second FG in overtime of the last regular season game, and Sam missed the 7th-place pseudo playoff berth by a mere 0.41 pts. Imagine all the small decisions he could have made to avoid that fate. What if he hadn’t relied on WR Brandon Aiyuk all season? What if he had drafted Jonathan Taylor instead of Alvin Kamara? What if he didn’t stupidly go for a fourth down on his own 20-yard-line in the third quarter of the final game? (That may apply more to the San Diego coach than Sam.) So many what ifs. For now, the only comfort for both is that they struck gold with QB Justin Herbert, and there is more football to play next year.

Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo ranking: 2166.32 pts, 10th place
My ranking: 2333.33 pts, 3rd place
Actual finish: 2016.84 pts, 7th place
NFL equivalent: Philadelphia Eagles

Much like the birds, I ended up in 7th place and would not consider this a good year under any metric except for the NFL’s watered-down playoff rules. I really expected more from this squad — QB Matt Stafford was a late-round steal, RBs Nick Chubb and Josh Jacobs should have been worth more, WR/RB Cordarrelle Patterson was a fun fantasy roller coaster ride each week. Yahoo said my team had the most points of any squad from waiver wire pickups and the least from actual drafted players, which is an impressive feat. This is the first time since 2016 that I haven’t finished in the top three, so we’re gonna have to have some major rule changes next year to fix that.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo ranking: 2174.43 pts, 8th place
My ranking: 1993.12 pts, 10th place
Actual finish: 2031.36 pts, 6th place
NFL equivalent: Pittsburgh Steelers

Solid showing from one of our oldest franchises, but Jeff gets docked style points here for using too many Cowboys to get this high in the standings. His WR corps of Davante Adams, Stefon Diggs, CeeDee Lamb, Mike Evans and Marquise Brown gave him five of the top 25 players at the position. But he had trouble figuring out the timing of when to use them, and often left substantial points on the bench. RBs Leonard Fournette and Melvin Gordon were little help the second half of the season. He also had Ameer Abdullah on his roster, even though I was sure he retired 10 years ago. Still, finishing in the top half of the standings is nothing to sneeze at. Like the Steelers, they did enough to look respectable at the end of the season, especially given the low pre-season expectations.

Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D)
Yahoo ranking: 2171.83 pts, 9th place
My ranking: 2401.10 pts, 2nd place
Final ranking: 2074.24 pts, 5th place
NFL equivalent: Arizona Cardinals

If you told Mom D and the Cardinals they’d finish as the #5 seed at the start of the year, they’d both be excited at the strong showing. But given that both looked halfway through the year like they could top the charts, this ending feels a bit low and anti-climactic. Mom complained about Aaron Rodgers all year long — even though he was the sixth-highest scoring player in fantasy for the year — and had Joe Burrow as a worthy backup. Her trade of Tyler Lockett for Diontae Johnson added 20 extra points to her team for the season (would have put me in 6th place, dammit) and RB James Connor was a late-round steal with lots of TDs. But in the end, her faith in players like Cole Beasley proved costly, and her team was overtaken by other, hungrier squads. Five is good enough to get you mentioned among the top teams, but not enough to get you a title.

Murder Hornets (Mike)
Yahoo ranking: 2297.88 pts, 4th place
My ranking: 2009.97 pts, 7th place
Actual finish: 2124.18 pts, 4th place
NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs

For the record, the gap between Mike’s 4th place finish and Ant’s 11th place finish was 225 pts, and the gap between Mike and 1st place was 301 pts. That’s a wide, wide berth between the haves and the have nots this year. Mike’s team was the ultimate feast-or-famine squad: Over the last two weeks alone, he scored more than 300 pts. But in the previous eight weeks, he failed to break the 100-pts barrier four times. QB Patrick Mahomes was wildly inconsistent, RB Derrick Henry watched his leg snap off mid-season, the Buffalo defense buffaloed. Mike did claim the title of “most waiver wire pickups” this year, an award which Dad usually has wrapped up by week 10, but not this time. Sadly, all those moves couldn’t get him onto the medal podium.

This is Fine (Bob)
Yahoo ranking: 2255.26 pts, 5th place
My ranking: 1850.50 pts, 11th place
Actual finish: 2154.46 pts, 3rd place
NFL equivalent: Green Bay Packers

Bob gets the bronze medal after a solid season-long campaign, along with his award for the best team name of the year (Jonathan was ineligible, I came up with his team name.) WR Deebo Samuel and QB Kyler Murray piled on the points, TE George Kittle and WR Mike Williams had big games to keep his team moving up. RB Saquon Barkley didn’t stink enough to tank his team. And Bob even started a defensive player named Foye Oluokun, which is Scandinavian for “fictional linebacker.” Third place is nothing to be ashamed of, unless your goal is to have your name etched among the legends, in which case third means you missed true victory by two spots.

Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan)
Yahoo ranking: 2249.50 pts, 6th place
My ranking: 2501.03 pts, 1st place
Actual finish: 2333.34 pts, 2nd place
NFL equivalent: Tennessee Titans

Oh boy. Junior Awesome had an impressive rookie season, mixing a solid draft (QB Josh Allen, RB Austin Ekeler, WR Tyreek Hill) with some impressive post-draft pickups (WR Jaylen Waddle, RB Eli Mitchell). Every Tuesday night, Jonathan would be scouring the waiver wire for deals, trying to suss out the diamonds in the rough from the big-name busts like Odell Beckham. He’d look at targets and rushing averages. He’d weigh upcoming strength of schedule. And then he’d pick the guys with the most ridiculous names (WR Amon-Ra St. Brown, TE Pat Freiermuth) and start them. The boy didn’t win the ultimate prize, but he did earn the league’s “rookie of the year award,” a very rare honor since we haven’t given it out in about five years since everybody returns every year.

That leaves just one team left, your champion for the year:

QB Carousel (Jo)
Yahoo ranking: 2307.74 pts, 3rd place
My ranking: 2112.21 pts, 5th place
Actual finish: 2425.54 pts, 1st place
NFL equivalent: 2017 Philadelphia Eagles

There really is no more appropriate champion for “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time” than Joanna. She’s one of the founding members of the league, endured 20 years of nonsense fantasy talk from me, labored through 20 years of recap copy editing and joke management as my obsession has grown by hundreds of words each week. And through it all, she has failed to get her name onto the greatest trophy in all of sports, until now.

Joanna proved that you can win a championship with QB Jalen Hurts (provided you put all-star players around him). She grabbed the top RB (Jonathan Taylor) at the end of the first round. She got the second-place TE (Travis Kelce) in the second round. She got the top WR (Cooper Kupp) in the fourth round and the top rookie WR (Jamar Chase) in the seventh. She picked up the top D player (TJ Watt) and top K (Daniel Carlson) off the waiver wire. Every move she made this year seemed to work (except relying on RB Miles Sanders, but no one really believes in him anymore).

It would be sacrilege to compare Joanna’s prowess to Dawkins in the year of “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time,” but I think I found a fitting nickname for Joanna’s long-awaited, underdog trip to the side of the trophy.

Since Joanna and the boy will likely be insufferable about beating me this season, August can’t come soon enough. As always, thanks to all of you for playing this year, and start getting your research together now for next year’s fantasy campaign.

Fantasy league 2021 -- week 18 update

The regular season is done, and the playoffs are always more disappointing than we want them to be. So let’s skip ahead to the top headlines of the opening week of the 2022 season!:

** Aaron Rodgers leads the Panthers to victory: Fresh off his Super Bowl win with the Packers, Rodgers left Green Bay after a profanity-laced tirade against management followed by a month-long bout with the Upsilon variant of coronavirus (the one that is rarely lethal but causes extreme flatulence). But his dirty words and smell weren’t enough to scare off the QB-starved Panthers, who gave him a $10 year, $200 million contract that at least held up well for opening day.

** The Washington Wizzers lose on a last-second FG: The team formerly known as the Maryland Nameless Squad spent the offseason more focused on their new name than improving their team. After announcing they would be the Washington Admirals in February, ownership was forced to backtrack in the face of a Navy lawsuit. Six follow-up names faced similar legal challenges before the franchise finally settled on the Wizzers, meant to convey the speed of their young wide receivers but instead immediately becoming a joke about how they always wet themselves on the field.

** Tom Brady’s suspension upheld: The Buccaneers lost their opener on Wednesday night (there are games on Wednesdays this season, for some unexplained reason) in large part because star passer Brady was ineligible to play. After WR Antonio Brown identified Brady as the supplier for the performance-enhancing drugs that caused his mental breakdown in January, the league came down hard on Brady (a repeat rules breaker) by mandating that he miss one game and promise really hard not to cheat again.

** The Eagles cut all three 2022 first-round draft picks ahead of Opening Day: In a predictable move, Philadelphia parted ways with all three of its top draft picks before they could play a down after the trio struggled in training camp. It was just the latest draft misstep by the front office. Coach Nick Sirianni said he was not concerned about the loss of personnel, however, saying that he was confident this is the year that WR Jalen Reagor would take a big step forward to help the team.

** RB Derrick Henry rushes for 350 yds, setting a new single game record: The Titans still lost the game, however. Henry’s remarkable performance wasn’t enough to overcome the new-look Jaguars and QB Trevor Lawrence’s six passing TDs, a new franchise high. Jacksonville also forced three turnovers and is now the Super Bowl favorite. 

** NFL rule changes cause confusion: The new pass interference rule, which mandates that a defensive player be shot on site, was hailed by offensive players in the offseason but has caused significant staffing issues on the defensive side. And the league’s new “whatever the Cowboys just did is fine” rule resulted in a messy opener in Dallas, with the Cowboys escaping with a narrow 41-40 win over the Rams. Los Angeles is still awaiting the returen of six players arrested mid-game for what the Texas governor called "health violations," even though all of the players were in fact vaccinated. 

Top QBs of the year

3rd place: Justin Herbert, 457.26 pts — 7th QB drafted (Sam)
2nd place: Tom Brady, 460.74 pts — 11th QB drafted (Joel)
1st place: Josh Allen, 475.58 pts — 2nd QB drafted (Jonathan)

First time I can remember one of the top few QBs drafted actually being worth their draft position. Allen was the second-best QB last year, and the top this year. Might be time to start thinking about him as one of the elites. Brady and Herbert, meanwhile, were taken after the start of the 7th round and beat out the Patrick Mahomes and Aaron Rodgers of the world. Good QBs can always be found late, folks. Learn from that.

Top WRs of the year

3rd place: Davante Adams, 231.53 pts — 1st WR drafted (Jeff)
2nd place: Deebo Samuel, 257.63 pts — 37th WR drafted (Bob)
1st place: Cooper Kupp, 303.16 pts — 15th QB drafted (Joanna)

Kupp will rightfully get all the attention this year as the steal of the fantasy draft, but don’t sleep on Samuel, who was the third receiver on his own team drafted (behind Brandon Aiuk and TE George Kittle). Along with 73 catches for 1,310 yds, he also had 51 rushes for 320 yds and seven TDs. That made him even more of a dual threat than Cordell Patterson (undrafted, but the 7th best WR on the year) who rushed for 607 yds but only caught 547 yds. FYI, Joanna also had the #4 receiver, Bengals rookie Jamaer Chase.

Top RBs of the year

3rd place: Joe Mixon, 256.43 pts — 13th RB drafted (Joel)
2nd place: Austin Ekeler, 287.23pts — 10th RB drafted (Jonathan)
1st place: Jonathan Taylor, 341.10 pts — 9th RB drafted (Joanna)

Wow. Swing and a miss on the RBs this year. Only five of the top 10 drafted ended up in the top 10 at the end of the year, and the last two on the draft list were the best of that group. Taylor was the runaway (pun intended) rushing leader in yds and TDs, but it still wasn’t enough to drag the Colts into the playoffs. For the record, Patterson was the 8th best player in this category too.

Top TEs of the year

3rd place: Dalton Schultz, 143.37 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Travis Kelce, 179.80 pts — 1st TE drafted (Joanna)
1st place: Mark Andrews, 205.23 pts — 4th TE drafted (Dad)

Only 12 TEs broke 100 pts this year, and Andrews was the clear-cut best of the group. Meanwhile, Schultz bested 24 of the 26 TEs drafted this season, and the 5th place finisher (Dawson Knox) was the 25th picked of that group. I guess what I’m saying is stop paying up for TEs, unless you’re sure you can get a good one. And as someone who invested heavily in TE Darren Waller with two different teams … you can’t be sure.

Top Ks of the year

3rd place: Chris Boswell, 164.00 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Nick Folk, 171.00 pts — undrafted
1st place: Daniel Carson, 174.00 pts — 14th K drafted (Bob)

Not only was Folk undrafted, he still isn’t on a team. Apparently we all really don’t like him for some reason. Carson, meanwhile was on Bob’s team for a few weeks before hitting the waiver wire, and the #4 K (Evan McPherson) bounced on and off teams all year. Kickers are replaceable. Stop drafting them early.

Top DEFs of the year

3rd place: Buffalo, 168.00 pts — 11th DEF drafted (Mike)
2nd place: New England, 172.00 pts — 10th DEF drafted (Jonathan)
1st place: Dallas, 189.00 pts — undrafted

Barf. Just barf. The Cowboys lead the league in interceptions, total turnovers and defensive TDs (8). On the plus side, they were 15th in points allowed, proving that being a good fantasy defense doesn’t mean you’re a good actual defense.

Top Ds of the year

3rd place: De'Vondre Campbell, 67.50 pts — undrafted
2nd place: Darius Leonard, 69.50 pts — 23rd D drafted (Dad)
1st place: T.J. Watt, 88.50 pts — undrafted

Last year, I wrote in my year-end column “Defensive players, man. One day we’ll all figure out the secret to getting good ones.” So, I guess we made progress?

QB: Dak Prescott, 41.80 pts — started by Jeff
WR: Deebo Samuel, 25.79 pts — started by Bob
RB: Rashaad Penny, 25.00 pts — started by Mike
TE: Tyler Higbee, 18.67 pts — on Bob’s bench
K: Matthew Wright, 14.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Miami, 20.00 pts — started by Joanna
D: Patrick Peterson, 11.50 pts — on the wire

That Deebo Samuel guy …

Fun fact — I convinced Joanna to pick up the Arizona defense this week because I thought the Patriots would blow out Miami, then I forgot to switch them into the starting spot for her after I said I would. That added 15 more points to her total, which her struggling, points-starved team really needed.

Another fun fact: The Maryland nameless team also tied for the top DEF and D player of the week, but I just didn’t feel like adding more lines up there. This is already a super long list of players.

 
“Worst performers of the year” edition

5th place: Travis Benjamin, -0.86 pts — on the wire
4th place: Jacob Eason, -1.00 pts — on the wire
3rd place: Feleipe Franks, -1.40 pts — on the wire
2nd place: John Wolford, -1.90 pts — on the wire
1st place: Josh Rosen, -3.24 pts — on the wire

I’ll be honest, I’m not 100 percent sure that Feleipe Franks is a real person. Could be that Yahoo just made him up to see if people were checking out the bottom of their standings.

The top four on this list are all QBs with limited appearances but at least one interception in that work. Rosen managed two in just 11 pass attempts over three games. For the record, he only completed two passes on the year, for a whopping 19 yds.

Special shoutout to Titans backup QB Logan Woodside, who appeared in four games this year, recording six kneel downs for -6 yds, which was good for -0.60 pts on the season and 6th place on this list. That’s … a lot of sixes. Might want to get him checked out.

 

** The Washington Post had its weekly NFL power rankings last Wednesday, and they had this blurb for the Maryland nameless squad:

“Ranked #26. 6-10 on the year. This qualifies as a lost season, with the team regressing from last year’s division title and making zero progress toward putting a franchise QB in place.”

Now hold on a minute. The team won on Sunday and finished the season 7-10. Last year, when they won the division the team was … 7-10, including their first-round playoff loss. The team didn’t regress at all. They performed exactly the same. The difference was they didn’t benefit from a historically bad NFC East this season.

Maybe the problem isn’t the team underperforming now, but instead thinking that they were any good at all before.

** Tampa Bay coach Bruce Arians said that if Tom Brady doesn’t win the MVP this year “it's a travesty."

Sure. I mean, he has already won three, and there are at least four other credible candidates for the award this year, but sure. If he doesn’t win everything, we should just shut down the whole league.

** In case you missed it, the Saturday afternoon game between the Chiefs and Broncos was the first half of the “Monday Night Football special doubleheader” for the weekend.

So, by NFL TV logic, we apparently had two Monday nights before we even reached Monday this week. And neither of those were the Sunday night game, which leaked into Monday morning. I honestly don’t know what day it is anymore.

Several NFL head coaches were fired on Monday after disappointing regular seasons, but other deserving candidates were not. Here are the most inexplicable non-firings that should have taken place on Monday:

** Giants coach Joe Judge: Last year, he accused the Eagles organization of “disrespecting the game” for tanking the final contest of the year and not working as hard as it could to help the 6-10 Giants win a division title by default. This year, his team scored seven total touchdowns over its last eight games and finished with double-digit losses for the fifth straight year. But, hey, at least he’s not embarrassing the game.

** Colts QB Carson Wentz: Woof, man. I’m not on the “Carson is a bum” bandwagon, but the Colts needed to win one of their last two games to make their playoffs, and lost both directly because of his poor play. Against Jacksonville — the worst team in football — he managed two turnovers and took six sacks, more than his team had surrendered in the previous four games combined. At some point, the reason you’ve never won a playoff game becomes you.

** Whoever set the Bengals pre-season Super Bowl odds at 150-to-1: There’s a Cincinnati fan out there somewhere who placed a drunken $100 bet before the start of the season and has a not ridiculous shot at winning $15K because Vegas was sleeping on this team. Hell, the Eagles were 100-to-1 odds. The Bengals are much better than them.

** The guy who came up with Thursday Night Football: Actually, he should have been fired years ago. Lousy bum.

** Eagles WR JJ Arcega-Whiteside: One play after an inexcusable drop in the end zone on Saturday night, JJAW (as he is called by his friends, who include anyone who will talk to him at this point) was flagged for offensive pass interference and pushed the Eagles out of scoring range. He finished the regular season with a total of two catches for 36 yards, leaving him at 187th among all receivers on the season. For his career, he has 290 receiving yards — nine fewer than fellow loser WR Jalen Reagor had this season alone. But, sure, he’s still worth a roster spot.

** The guy who walked into NFL HQ this morning, who watched a thrilling week 18 of football, and suggested that the league add another game next year: You know someone did. Week 18 was exciting. Many of the weeks that lead up to it were unbearable slogs, and you can’t convince me that exhausted wideouts limping down the field during that Sunday night game want an 18th one on the schedule in the future.

I wish I could end the year of anagrams on a happier note, give you some encouragement that the forces of evil cannot triumph over the will of good men. But, alas, the Cowboys did win the NFC East, and they will get to play in the postseason, even as their wretched blackness pollutes all who are forced to view their games. So I leave you for this year with this obvious anagram that explains where we find ourselves right now:

Dallas Cowboys return again to the playoffs
** Claws dug. Another year of total pain. Sobs fly.

One note of encouragement? Since Dak Prescott turned four years old, the Cowboys have only won four playoff games. And that guy is pushing 30 now. So hopefully it’ll be another quick exit and we can move onto more pleasant thoughts.

** Valiant effort by Dad in the final week of the season, as he posted a 5-3 record in the eight games we picked differently. But it wasn’t enough, and by a field-goal margin I grabbed the family prognostication title for the fifth time in the last six years. At 166-90, I picked 65 percent of the games right, about on par for Dad and me, and still ahead of most of the so-called experts at ESPN. Plus, I’m more humble than them.

** The Eagles face off against Tom Brady and the Bucs in the first round next week, and if the Eagles come out on top it opens the door for the Cowboys to get a second home playoff game if they win their first-round contest. So remember to root for the 49ers in the second game next Sunday too.

** However, the Eagles were 9-8 this season but 0-6 against teams that made the playoffs (and would have been 0-7 if the Chargers had managed to sneak in too). So, I dunno, maybe don’t hold your breath next weekend.

** An extra week of regular season football meant an extra recap for me to write this year. Look for my updated bill in the mail shortly.   

Week 18 standings

The official end-of-year standings — and the latest name to be engraved onto Awesome Cup — will be unveiled on Tuesday night.

Fantasy league 2021 -- week 17 recap

Was Sunday a perfect football day for Philadelphia fans? Consider the following:

** The Eagles won.

** The Cowboys, Giants, and Nameless Maryland team all lost.

** The Eagles clinched a playoff berth.

** The Cowboys lost a chance at a first-round playoff bye.

** The Dolphins lost and missed out on the playoffs, improving their first-round draft pick (which the Eagles have via trade).

** The Colts lost and may miss out on the playoffs, improving their first-round draft pick (which the Eagles have via trade).

** The Vikings lost. I don’t have anything against Minnesota, but it feels like every time the Vikings lose, it’s good news for the Eagles.

** Nick Foles’ team won (it was the Bears, but still.).

** JJ Arcega-Whiteside didn’t do anything to infuriate the Philly fan base.

Not sure what more you could ask for out of a regular-season Sunday. Onto the postseason!

QB: Joe Burrow, 42.84 pts — on Mom D’s bench
WR: Ja'Marr Chase, 41.23 pts — started by Jo
RB: Rashaad Penny, 31.00 pts — started by Mike
TE: Noah Fant, 15.13 pts — started by Jeff
K: Jason Myers, 18.50 pts — on the wire
DEF: Chicago, 28.00 pts — started by Ant
D: Chuck Clark, 13.50 pts — on the wire

Everyone went gaga over Chase this week and his “big numbers” (11 catches, 266 yds, 3 TDs). But first off, it was only the seventh best WR fantasy performance of all time — not even top five, mind you — and, second, it wasn’t even the best WR performance of the weekend. That belonged to Ohio State’s Jaxon Smith-Njigba, who had 15 catches for 347 yds and 3 TDs in the Rose Bowl. That would have been good for 48.63 fantasy pts if we were playing fantasy college Bowl football, which I’ll try to remember to start next year.

Just checked to make sure that Myers' score was correct, and he did indeed have three FGs, six XPs and a tackle to end up with a non-round number. I was really hoping he had 37 tackles and no FGs.

Not for nothing, but Burrow has averaged 37.1 pts over the last four weeks, best of any player in all of fantasy. Giants QB Mike Glennon has only totaled 29.36 pts over that same span. In Glennon’s defense, however, Burrow is good, and Glennon is not.

“Players who are not good” edition

3rd place: Jalen Reagor, -0.16 pts — on Ant’s bench
2nd place: Ty Montgomery, -0.40 pts — on the wire
1st place: Mike Glennon, -5.24 pts — on the wire

Told you Glennon wasn’t good.

Glennon’s performance on Sunday wasn’t among the top 10 bad fantasy starts in NFL history, but it was close. He completed four passes in 11 tries for a whopping 24 yds, no TDs and two interceptions. He also fumbled twice. That works out to a 5.3 QB rating, which is 7.5 times worse than the 39.6 QB rating you got by dropping the remote off the couch on Sunday (1 attempt, zero completions, zero turnovers).

Special shoutout to Reagor here, who managed to be a disappointment even when everything else went right for the Eagles this weekend.


** ESPN had a story this week about the 15 Pro Football Hall of Fame finalists that included this line about S LeRoy Butler: “Butler, who is the only player to have at least 20 sacks and 20 interceptions in his career, is the only first-team selection to the All Decade team of the 1990s who has not been enshrined.”

How dare you, ESPN? In the season of “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time,” you have the nerve to forget his 37 career interceptions and 26 career sacks? Is this all a sick joke to you?

The story was updated a day later — to omit that phrase, not to mention Dawkins’ greatness — but the damage to ESPN’s reputation and to the national psyche was already done.

** On the Bill Simmons podcast this week, NFL Network’s Peter Schrager was discussing the Cardinals late-season collapse and said he sees a lack of leadership on the team. “If you watched the sidelines, the only guy getting in people’s faces was S Budda Baker, and I don’t know if you can rely on a safety to be the team’s leader like that.”

How dare you, Schrager? In the season of “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time,” you have the nerve to forget his inspirational words and emotional leadership of the Eagles throughout his Hall of Fame career? Is this all a sick joke to you?

Maybe if we all watched a little less of shirtless Antonio Brown and a little more Dawkins highlights, the country would be less lost and more united.

** Just before Christmas, in a quiet press release, the folks at EA Sports announced that they would add two new legends to the Madden 22 video game update list: Hall of Fame S Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time, and … Dallas QB Tony Romo.

How dare you, EA Sports? In the season of “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time,” you have the nerve to pair him up with a two-bit, non-playoff-winning hack like Romo? His name anagrams to “toy moron,” for the love of gawd. You know what Brian Dawkins anagrams to? “Brian Dawkins,” which translates in English as “champion and hero to the downtrodden.”

If EA Sports had any decency, they’d pair Dawkins with S Brian Dawkins, because his only peer is himself.
 

Legendary football coach/broadcaster/video game designer John Madden passed away last week just as I posted this weekly column, and I couldn’t pass up a chance for a quick tribute to one of the most colorful folks to ever grace the NFL. Any game he announced was appointment television, not just for the depth of insight he had for the game, but also for the Yogi-Berra-ish quotes that came out of them because he talked so much. 

Here’s a quick sampling of some of the best as an admiring remembrance:

** When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to.

** When you're playing good football, it's good football and if you don't have good football, then you're not really playing good football.

** If this team doesn't put points on the board I don't see how they can win.

** I always used to tell my players that we are here to win! And you know what? When you don’t win, you lose.

** The offensive linemen are the biggest men on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and that's what makes them the biggest men on the field.

** Here's a guy who when he runs, he moves faster.

** If you win a Super Bowl before you're fired, you're a genius, and everyone listens to you. But a coach is just a guy whose best class in grammar school was recess and whose best class in high school was P.E. I never thought I was anything but a guy whose best class was P.E.

** I told my dad, I'm going to drop a couple [sports] because I want to get a job to make some money. My dad said, ‘Don't work. Once you start work, you're going to have to work the rest of your life.’ I continued to play, and I have never worked a day in my life. I went from player to coach to a broadcaster, and I am the luckiest guy in the world.


Five Cowboys were named to the Pro Bowl last month, and since I’ve already done anagrams for four of them, it seemed only fitting to get the fifth one in before the end of the season. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s learn a little more about Bryan Anger (or “Ran by Anger” as his teammates like to call him) through the secrets hidden in his name:

Cowboys P Bryan Anger
** A worn, crybaby sponge
** A crabby, wry peon song
** A ropy, granny cobwebs
** A wrong baby, once spry
** A scabby, new porn orgy

If you were expecting me to work “anger” into any of those, how dare you. That kind of simplicity is beneath both me and “Gray Banner” up there.

** I swept Dad in our picks for the week, putting me up five heading into the final weekend of the season. I’d like to personally thank the Browns for rolling over and playing dead in Pittsburgh on Monday night, as they have been prone to do over the last few decades.

** No, I don’t think it’s suspicious that half of the Eagles team tested positive for covid just a few hours after they clinched a playoff spot and not a few hours before when it might have jeopardized their season, why do you ask?

** There are going to be a lot of single-season records broken next week because of the extra game added this year, and you should remember that most of them are bogus. However, if TJ Watt can break the single season sack mark next week (he’s only one behind), it should be celebrated forever because Michael Strahan only has that record because Brett Farve decided to lay down and give it to him.


Week 17 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 2,276.92 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 2,210.82 pts
3 — This Is Fine (Bob), 2,034.70 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 2,015.10 pts
5 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1,993.04 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff). 1,926.13 pts
7 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1,905.57 pts
8 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 1,904.35 pts
9 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1,823.02 pts
10 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,811.03 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1,796.17 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 1,286.17 pts

Huge, huge week for Mike, who posted 177.57 pts — the most of any team in a single week this season. That vaults him into the fight for the final podium spot just as we enter the final week of the season.

However, it looks like only that third-place medal is up for grabs. Joanna had a mere 165 pts — the fifth highest total of any single week, and her fourth week in a row over 150 pts — to widen the gap between her team and newbie Jonathan. He has more than 66 pts to make up in the final week if he wants to make my pre-season prediction of a first-year championship true. If not, he’s sleeping in the shed.

Speaking of the championship, we’re almost there. Just one weekend left, and only two more days of regular season football are ahead. Saturday has two games, all the rest are on Sunday. Figure out who is sitting (all the Eagles) and who is filling in (hello, Garner Mishnew) and adjust your rosters accordingly one last time.

Fantasy league 2021 -- week 16 recap

What Christmas songs NFL teams were playing in the locker room this weekend:

Carolina Panthers: Silent Night
Only six points scored on Sunday, and only two games with more than 21 pts since Oct. 24.

 
Maryland Nameless Team: Deck the Halls
Defensive linemen Jonathan Allen and Daron Payne threw punches at each other on the sideline of Sunday’s blowout loss to the Cowboys.

Chicago Bears: Little St. Nick
Super Bowl MVP Nick Foles led a game-winning 4th-quarter TD drive to win the game, adding to his Christmastime lore.

Dallas Cowboys: Let it Snow
The team celebrated clinching the NFC East title with their standard cocaine binge.

St. Louis Rams: Do You Hear What I Hear
Very quietly, the Rams are positioning themselves for a high seed in the playoffs.

Philadelphia Eagles: The Jolly Fat Man
OT Lane Johnson got a TD grab and all the elves celebrated.

Houston Texans: Dahoo Dores
The 4-11 Texans have losses to the Jets and Panthers but wins over the Titans and Chargers. Much like the Whos singing, none of this makes sense.

QB: Joe Burrow, 46.10 pts — on Mom D’s bench
WR: Tee Higgins, 30.93 pts — started by Jo
RB: Damien Harris, 28.30 pts — started by Paul
TE: Mark Andrews, 18.33 pts — started by Dad
K: Ryan Succop, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Miami, 28.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Alex Singleton, 13.50 pts — on the wire

Paul with a top performer. An Eagles linebacker as the top defensive player on the week. And a Cincinnati QB who threw for 525 yds. I’ll be honest, I won’t be surprised if the four horsemen pay us all a visit this week.

We were also so, so close to having a Texans player as the top RB on the week, impressive considering they’re the worst rushing offense in the entire league. But, alas, Rex Burkhead’s 149 ground yds, two TDs and 27.9 fantasy pts were not enough to get him onto the list. So forget him and the fact that the Texans have gotten two mentions in this column already.

“Christmas” edition

2nd place: (tie) Le'Veon “Jingle” Bell, -0.10 pts — on the wire
2nd place: (tie) Jake “Holiday” Funk, -0.10 pts — on the wire
1st place: Equanimeous St. “Nick” Brown, -1.00 pts — on the wire

Oh, the St. Brown boys. I just can’t stop putting you in this recap.

Bell, who in 2017 had more than 1,900 yds of offense with the Steelers, has played for four different teams in the last 16 months and totaled fewer than 550 total yds. He had two rushes for -1 yds on Sunday, playing for a Tampa Bay team desperate for any capable bodies to throw in at RB. Looks like he may not be there for long.

Honorable mention to Giants QB Jake “State Farm” Fromm, who played nearly three quarters against the Eagles on Sunday and totaled 0.20 fantasy pts in his time. That’s only 230.5 times fewer points than Burrow, the top QB on the week. Maybe next time, kid.

 

** ESPN had a feature last Friday night dubbed “2021 Images of the Year.”

It was three minutes of video clips with occasional paused images to make it seem like they were still pictures instead of moving pictures.

I’m looking forward to the network’s “2021 in words” feature that includes nothing but grunts and instrumental music.

** Alabama LB Will Anderson this week was asked about his feelings ahead of this week’s big college football playoff game against Cincinnati. His response:

"I feel like we're the underdog in this game," he said. "All year we've been disrespected."

To be clear, that’s a player on the Alabama Crimson Tide, the #1 team in the country, who are 13.5-point favorites in this game against the non-Power-Five Bearcats — who have not been ranked higher than Alabama at any point despite having an undefeated record — saying he feels like his team has been disrespected and an underdog in this game.

Sure. That all makes sense.

** Headline after the Steelers’s game on Sunday: “Frustrated Pittsburgh not ready to throw in the towel after loss”

Of course they aren’t. Ben Roethlisberger hasn’t been able to top 160 yds passing the last two weeks. They can’t throw anything.

In light of multiple college teams struggling during the pandemic outbreak, the NCAA has accepted new sponsors for the remaining college football games. Here are the notable changes:

** The Pfizer Vaccine Bowl: Maryland vs VA Tech. The winning team will get a free booster shot, regardless of the date of their last inoculation.

** The Sigma Bowl: Oregon vs Oklahoma. Omicron may be the covid variant we’re all worried about today, but the next set of mutations is trying to announce their presence with a big-dollar bowl spend.

** The Las Vegas Bowl: Wisconsin vs Arizona State. This sponsor hasn’t changed, but the tag line of “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” has been changed to “nothing can be contained anywhere.”

** The Pfizer Pristiq Bowl: Wake Forest vs Rutgers. The pharmaceutical company would like to remind you that along with the covid vaccine, they also produce anti-depression medication.

** The Back Out Bowl: Penn State vs Arkansas. This was the Outback Bowl, but with everyone backing out of everything, well, you get it.

** The BCS National Championship game: Canceled. Considering how bad everything is right now, nobody wanted to see Alabama win another title.

** Important note!! Thanks to G, whose eagle eyes (not Philadelphia, the other ones, the good kind) spotted an error in this week's anagram. Luckily, the evil of the Cowboys still leaks through, and it required only a minor fix. It is correct now. 

 

In the spirit of the holiday, I decided to take a break this week from ridiculing the evil festering inside the Cowboys organization and instead try to find the goodness of the season creeping inside. And what better candidate than Sean McKeon, a second-year tight end who is still new to the organization and starting to come into his own. Can the joy and festiveness of this time of year melt the cold, bitterness that lurks down in Dallas:

Cowboys/Michigan reserve tight end Sean McKeon
** Everyone knows Christmas be matching genocide

Dear gawd, man. It’s the holidays. Peace on Earth and goodwill toward men and stuff. Do these guys have no shame?

** Dad went 2-1 against me in the picks this week, so with two weeks left in the season, I hold a slim two-point lead over him. Should be a dramatic finish, and I’m just hoping that the entire season doesn’t hinge on a Lions upset or something else unsightly.

** Eagles can clinch a playoff spot next Sunday, and dear gawd, now I’m definitely looking for the four horsemen.

** Just when I was starting to like Carson Wentz again … at least he went into protocols after taking 75 percent of the Colt’s snaps this season. Who knew that of the Eagles’, Dolphins’ and Colts’ first-round picks, Indy’s might be the most valuable?


Week 16 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 2111.27 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 2081.92 pts
3 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1916.01 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1889.44 pts
5 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1826.42 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1815.97 pts
7 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1799.08 pts
8 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 1791.27 pts
9 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1742.50 pts
10 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1714.17 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1699.11 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 1173.97 pts

Jonathan’s impressive 160.79 pts week was muted by Joanna’s slightly-less-impressive 150.56 pts week, putting more distance between the two of them and the rest of us mere mortals. Two weeks of football left and less than 30 pts between them … the excitement is unbearable.

Dad’s quest to overtake 10th place took a hit this week, as did my efforts to post a respectable finish. Bob is starting to pull away with third place, Jeff is trying to lock down fifth, and Paul remains dead.

Congrats, you made it through another year of Thursday night football punishment. Last week was the final off-day NFL game of the season. This week, it’s 15 games on Sunday and one on Monday, the way God intended. Get your rosters set early anyway, so you can finish the season strong.

Fantasy league 2021 -- week 15 recap

Things I wrote about the Eagles game on Monday night because the game was supposed to be played on Sunday but instead got moved to Tuesday and I have tight deadlines for this column so I couldn’t wait around until after the game for my analysis:

— Wow. (Key win/brutal loss) by the Eagles there. Absolutely (required/unforgivable) against a team without it’s starting QB, top receiver or a franchise name.
— That 4th and (fill in the blank here) call was terrible. Not sure how Siranni keeps his job after that.
— I’m surprised we even saw that much of JJ Arcega-Whiteside.
— The refs were just awful.
— I can’t believe they gave up that 3rd and (fill in the blank here). Not sure how Siranni keeps his job after that.
— No one talks about how smart Mark Sanchez is as an announcer … for a reason.
— That (ends/renews) all the talk about Garner Minshew, doesn’t it?
— The most ridiculous thing about that (win/loss) is that both of these teams are still somehow in the playoff hunt.

QB: Tyler Huntley, 39.90 pts — on the wire
WR: Brandin Cooks, 22.30 pts — started by Mike
RB: Duke Johnson, 24.53 pts — on the wire
TE: Travis Kelce, 29.73 pts — started by Jo
K: Ka'imi Fairbairn, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New Orleans, 23.00 pts — on Paul’s bench
D: D.J. Wonnum, 11.50 pts — on the wire

Ah, yes, exactly the lineup we expected to see up there.

I would have bet you any amount of money that Kelce is the top TE on the season so far, but nope. It’s Mark Andrews, who has 8.5 more points than Kelce on the season. Of course, one-third of his 167.8 pts came in two games this season, so maybe Andrews hasn’t been Mr. Reliable.

Huntley, the Ravens’ backup QB, had a better fantasy day that Lamar Jackson’s last three starts combined (and all but one of his nine other starts), so I assume there is a QB controversy in Baltimore now. Duke Johnson had 1.8 fantasy pts on the season coming into Sunday’s game, so it make sense that he’d rush for 107 yds and two TDs. D.J. Wonnum may have been a name I made up banging my head against the keyboard watching the Eagles, I can’t remember.

“Starting QBs” edition

3rd place: Teddy Bridgewater, 4.92 pts — started by Ant
2nd place: Tom Brady, 4.76 pts — started by Joel
1st place: Mike Glennon, -2.04 pts — on the wire

I could talk about how Glennon, the Giants starting QB, had a worse passer rating than you on Sunday (24.8 for him, 39.6 for you throwing one incompletion into the ground) or about how hard it is to finish in negative fantasy pts in a pass-first league, or about how Glennon has won exactly one start in the last seven years, but none of that is the reason we are here.

We’re here to talk about Tom Brady.

Brady on Sunday was shut out for the first time since 2006, breaking the second-longest scoring streak by a QB in NFL history (the longest belongs to Drew Brees, whose Saints shut out Brady this week). He was bested by NFL notables like Nick Mullens (the third-string QB for Cleveland), Davis Mills (the starter by default in Houston) and Cam Newton (who scored five times more fantasy points than Brady and still lost by 17 pts).

It was a terrible fantasy weekend for a lot of folks, but at least we had this one moment of Brady incompetence to enjoy.

 

** ESPN had this trivia question along the crawler of their pregame show:
Q: Which four QBs have had 300 yds passing and 100 yds rushing?
A: Josh Allen, Lamar Jackson, Russell Wilson, Cam Newton
I mistakenly assumed they meant this season, so I was surprised to see any names beyond Allen (who accomplished the feat in week 14). Wilson and Newton haven’t come close this season. But, in fact, those two are the only ones besides Allen to have ever done it in an NFL game — Wilson in 2014, Newton in 2015.
Jackson? Still has never done it, so ESPN is still wrong. So my assumption that ESPN had screwed up even a simple trivia question was right, just for the wrong reasons.

** Columnist Chuck Culpepper is usually great, but when he misses, he misses by a mile. This is from his column on Tiger Woods playing in a pro-am this weekend alongside his son:
“Woods’s 12-year-old son, Charlie, born so recently that it was just a week after Santonio Holmes’s otherworldly catch in Super Bowl XLIII, also veered Sunday.”
Is that a pivotal moment that we all use as a touchstone in our lives? I remember the play, it was a thrilling Super Bowl, but if you told me it happened 30 years ago or three years ago, I wouldn’t correct you.
You already told me the kid is 12. Saying that he shares his birthday with the 2010 Pro Bowl game helps none of us understand that time frame any better.

** Monday Night Football sideshow clown Chris Berman dropped this wisdom during his “Fastest Three Minutes” recap of Sunday’s NFL games this week:
“The Steelers haven’t been below .500 in a long time. But if they lost on Sunday they’d be … below .500.”
First, thanks for the calculator help there, Chris. I wasn’t sure if a 6-6-1 team that loses now has more wins than losses.
But, more importantly, “a long time” apparently means “two months” because the Steelers were 2-3 in early October before a four-game winning streak. They were never below .500 last year, but started off 2019 0-3 which, I believe, may also be below .500. But I’m not a professional talking head who has covered the NFL since the 1800s, so I can’t be sure about that math.
 

NFL coaches hate kickers. Need proof? Just look at what happened this weekend:

** The Falcons, big underdogs on Sunday, recovered a fumble on the opening kickoff and quickly got the ball down to the one-yard line. They were stopped three times by the 49ers defense, and faced a fourth-and-goal. Rather than take an early lead, coach Arthur Smith opted to try for seven … and missed. The team faced fourth-and-short inside the 10-yard line two more times in the second half, and since they were down 18 points, they went for touchdowns both of those times too (and failed). Nine more points would have made that an easier nine-point deficit, instead of a three-score game.

** The Cardinals, down 10-0 near the end of the first half, had the ball inside the three-yard line on third down but threw an incomplete pass. Rather than kick a FG and get on the board, coach Kliff Kingsbury opted to go for the touchdown. Another incomplete pass turned the ball over to the Lions, who scored on the ensuing possession to make the lead 17-0 instead of 10-3.

** The Chiefs, down 13-14 in the third quarter, faced a 4th and goal from the two-yard line. Instead of kicking an easy field goal TO TAKE THE LEAD, coach Andy Reid opted for another end zone chance … and failed to convert. The game ended up in overtime, but it wouldn’t have if Reid just took the points in that spot.

** Not to be outdone IN THAT SAME GAME against the Chiefs, but the Chargers had 4th and goal three times in the first half. Coach Brandon Staley opted every time to gamble for the touchdown instead of taking the FG. His team missed all three times. They also went for it on fourth and short inside the 20-yard-line in the third quarter, converted, then fumbled the ball three plays later. That’s 12 points they left on the sidelines in a game that ended up in overtime (where they lost without ever touching the ball.)

** The Ravens, playing without starting QB Lamar Jackson, went 70 yards on their opening drive and faced a second-and-goal from the three-yard line. After two incomplete passes, coach John Harbaugh ignored the FG attempt … and watched his team give up a sack instead of taking a three-point lead. The Ravens also scored a TD with 1:42 left in the game to pull within one point of the Packers, but opted to go for two instead of a tie. It’s the second time in three weeks they’ve tried to win a game that way, and the second loss that strategy has produced. But they wouldn’t have needed those points if they took the FG earlier.

For those keeping score at home, that’s nine failed fourth down tries inside the 10-yard line this weekend alone. 27 potential points gambled away with nothing to show for them. The only conclusion is that all NFL kickers have incriminating pictures of their coaches and the resentment is spilling over onto the field of play.


The Cowboys had three third-round draft picks this year — they used all three on defensive players, including the middle one on DE Chauncey Golston. So far his play has been mediocre, with just 12 tackles on the season. But the coaching staff loves his potential, and in fact drafted him based largely on what they saw hidden in the letters of his name:

Dallas rookie defensive lineman Chauncey Golston
** A moronic one. Evil def seen. Likely a shotgun scandal.

Feels like maybe the best way to avoid a shotgun scandal with him would be to keep him away from shotguns, but then again, he is a moron.

** Clerical error last week had me down one to Dad when, in fact, I was up one on him in our season-long picks contest. And, after two more wins this week, I’m not up by a FG (a real FG, like a 43-yarder, not one of these cheap 31-yard ones). Special thanks to the Texans for dismantling the Jaguars again, and this is the last time I’ll think about either of those teams for the rest of the season.

** Per Wikipedia, Dennis O. "D. J." Wonnum Jr (born Oct. 31, 1997) is an American football defensive end for the Minnesota Vikings who played college football at South Carolina.

** There have been 10 NFL games played on a Tuesday night in the league’s 102-year history. The Eagles have been involved in three, tied for the most of any team. The Boston Yanks are the other team, and, no, I did not get that name wrong.

** I know I was just messing around with a bit up there, but the refs really were awful in that Eagles game. Easiest bet you can make.

 

Week 15 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1,960.71 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1,921.13 pts
3 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1,796.95 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1,795.69 pts
5 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1,715.89 pts
6 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 1,703.34 pts
7 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,699.09 pts
8 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1,683.12 pts
9 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1,639.04 pts
10 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,610.24 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1,601.79 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 1,064.59 pts

Actual standings may be a bit off, I posted this with 1 minute left to go in the Eagles game. I don't have all night to wait, you know. 

Yet another big week for Joanna gives her a commanding lead over her son. The final three weeks of the season should be a solid race between the two of them, judging by the trash talk in this house. I just wish Joanna would stop spiking Jonathan’s lunch box in his face every Monday morning to assert her dominance.

After that it’s a long, long drop to the rest of the standings. Bob and Mom D are 120-plus points behind our top two, and Mike and I another almost 80 pts behind them. Paul’s team had six starters score zero pts this week, but he managed to limp over the 1,000 pts mark despite that. Dad is just a few points out of 10th, a remarkable accomplishment given the giant hole he was in.

Remember when there wasn’t football every night? No? Good! Because the Titans and 49ers take the field this Thursday in a surprisingly important game, and then the NFL is forcing two more games into your Christmas peace. They might have a few games on Sunday too, we’ll see.

Fantasy league 2021 -- week 14 recap

Here’s a look at some of the worst ornaments currently for sale at NFL.com:

** Eagles Stained Glass Snowflake
This is a gray star with the Philadelphia logo in the middle. If you ever wanted to put an unholy mash-up of the Cowboys and Eagles symbol on your Christmas tree, here is your chance.

** Washington Mason Jar
This is a whole series of ornaments with a mason jar in team colors with the team name and logo in the middle. Except with the Maryland nameless squad, there is no name or logo. So it just looks like a case of jelly that says “Merry Washington Christmas” with no indication that any football was involved.

** 49ers Tiki Mascot
Go ahead, click on that link. Looking into that ornament’s eyes will steal your soul.

** Jason Witten Raiders Ornament
Jason Witten played 17 years in the NFL, all but one with the Cowboys. But do you want to celebrate the 13 catches he had with the Raiders? Then you’re in luck!

** Saints Snack Pack Set
Nothing says “Geaux Saints” like … silver and gold bobble-eyed peanuts staring down at you from the Christmas tree.

** Ravens “Future Fan” Ball
What is this? There is not a picture of a baby on here. Is this implying the Christmas tree is a future fan? Or that the tree will have a baby who is a fan?

** Rams Sled
The last time Los Angeles had any measurable snow was 2007, so nothing says a merry football Rams Christmas like a sled.

QB: Josh Allen, 39.22 pts — started by Jonathan
WR: Davante Adams, 25.07 pts — started by Jeff
RB: Dalvin Cook, 34.13 pts — on Dad’s bench
TE: George Kittle, 22.57 pts — started by Bob
K: Matt Prater, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Tennessee, 26.00 pts — started by me
D: Mike Hughes, 16.00 pts — on the wire

Pour one out for Dad, who had Cook on his bench (like most of the rest of the fantasy world) after early reports had him out several more weeks following a shoulder injury in November. Instead, he surprised by suiting up for the Thursday night game and rushing for a whopping 205 yds and two 2 TDs. That was as many yds and TDs as he had amassed in the previous four games, and was easily his best outing of the year.

Shoutout to the all waiver wire team of RB Rashaad Penny (2nd best RB on the week), WR Jakeem Grant (5th best WR on the week) and TE Albert Okwuegbunam (4th best TE on the week) who would have gotten you 56.19 pts in this league if you had started them instead of the terrible choices we all made.

“Bad defense” edition

3rd place: (tie) Las Vegas, -3.00 pts — on the wire
3rd place: (tie) Houston, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: New Jersey Giants, -4.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Detroit, -5.00 pts — on the wire

You might think the worst fantasy defense of the week would be the one that gave up the most points, but you’d be wrong. The Raiders surrendered 48 to the Chiefs on Sunday but also managed three sacks, giving them only a negative field goal in the final fantasy standings, Meanwhile, Detroit gave up 38 points but only managed a single sack to keep them from the worst score possible for a defense in a given week.

Even with the worst record in football, the Lions aren’t quite the worst fantasy defense on the season so far. They’re averaging 2.5 fantasy pts a week, compared to 1.9 pts per week from the New Jersey Jets. (For comparison, the top defense, New England, earns you 12.2 pts per week). And yet, both of those squads are rostered in 1 percent of fantasy leagues. I’m dying to find the fantasy manager who has put together a solid playoff team and is starting the Jets each week, just because.


** NFL reporters were all over the trash talk between the Cowboys and Maryland nameless squad leading up to Sunday’s game. From AP — “Cowboys’ McCarthy makes bold prediction: Dallas Cowboys Coach Mike McCarthy told reporters that ‘I’m excited about what is in front of us. We’re going to win this game. I’m confident in that.’”

The response? “Defensive lineman Jonathan Allen said that, ‘The only guarantee in this world is death and taxes.’”

Boy, that’s … something, I guess? This is what counts as trash talk? Where’s teh “we’re the team to beat” statement? Where’s the “we’re gonna rip off their heads and drink from their skulls” comment? Where’s the “if we don’t win this I’m gonna walk home naked” promise?

The Cowboys won, so, great work backing up that courageous outburst, I guess.

** The Houston Texans waived LB Zach Cunningham last week for being late for and missing meetings. "We've got standards,” said Texans Coach David Culley. “I didn't feel like those standards had been met consistently.”

Those standards apparently don’t include winning games, or really dealing with a star QB who was accused of sexually assualting mutliple women. But, hey, every team has to have standards.

By the way, Cunningham was picked up by the first-place Titans after being cut by the last-place Texans, so I’m sure he learned his lesson.

How Eagles players and staff spent the bye week:

QB Jalen Hurts: Watched hours of Tim Tebow film so he could mirror his play even more to the legendary QB.

RB Miles Sanders: Spent more time practicing not getting the ball on obvious running plays.

RB Boston Scott: Somehow shrunk two more inches.

C Jason Kelce: Went down with a leg injury, same as every other Sunday.

QB Gardner Minshew: Applied mustache wax six times a day instead of his normal five-times routine.

Coach Nick Sirianni: Continued to ignore Miles Sanders as much as possible.

DE Ryan Kerrigan: Did not record any tackles, just like 11 of the previous 13 weeks.

WR JJ Arcega-Whiteside: Continued to unfairly occupy a roster spot.

The Cowboys’ defense has been one of the reasons for their success this year, with their secondary becoming a major surprise. Second-year defensive back Trevon Diggs had only three interceptions last year but has nine through 13 games this season. Naturally, the Dallas coaching staff says they saw that talent all along, but in truth the reason they added him to the team last year was because his own name hinted he was their kind of player:

Dallas CB Trevon Diggs
** Gloved bastard clings

I’m not even sure the coaches saw the word “clings” in there when they read it the first time. They just saw “gloved bastard” and thought “yeah, he’s one of ours.”

** Dad took three of four games this week, so he’s up one in our picks for the season. Just four weeks of football left for me to turn this around or else I have to hear about it from him through the whole offseason.

** By my calculations, if Carson Wentz takes about 40 snaps in his game this weekend against the Patriots, the Eagles will get the Colts’ first round draft pick next year. So I guess that makes the game worth watching.

** At the end of the Monday night football game, with the Cardinals trailing by 10, I needed one 50-yard FG to get just enough points to have another team win the week and keep me alive for the fantasy playoffs. With about a minute left, K Matt Prater lined up, reared back and booted one just inside the right upright … from 49 yards. That’s 4 fantasy points, not 5, so I missed the playoffs by 0.5 pts instead of making it by a hair. That one stings.

Week 14 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1797.84 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1791.09 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1697.26 pts
4 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1687.80 pts
5 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 1611.42 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1603.76 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1598.74 pts
8 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1585.06 pts
9 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1555.89 pts
10 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1530.60 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1498.59 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 1029.68 pts

Lots of drama atop the standings this week but no real change. Jonathan missed a golden opportunity to take the top spot away from Joanna, with her QB and three RBs all on a bye this week, but she managed to get just enough out of WR Cooper Kupp on Monday to stay in the lead. Mom D and Bob both made up some ground on the frontrunners, but remain 100 points out of the title fight for now.

Big weeks from Jeff and I pulled us both into the top rungs of the third tier, and another big week from Dad has him just on the edge of relevance. Paul remains dead.

Now that college football is entering bowl season, the NFL would like to remind you it doesn’t care when you want to watch football, it’ll just make it available whenever it’s least convenient. That means there’s not only a Thursday game this week but also a Saturday night special and a Saturday afternoon game and also still a Monday night game and maybe some games on Sunday but it’s not clear. Anyways, set your rosters early and often.