Here’s a look at some of the worst ornaments currently for sale at NFL.com:
** Eagles Stained Glass Snowflake
This is a gray star with the Philadelphia logo in the middle. If you ever wanted to put an unholy mash-up of the Cowboys and Eagles symbol on your Christmas tree, here is your chance.
** Washington Mason Jar
This is a whole series of ornaments with a mason jar in team colors with the team name and logo in the middle. Except with the Maryland nameless squad, there is no name or logo. So it just looks like a case of jelly that says “Merry Washington Christmas” with no indication that any football was involved.
** 49ers Tiki Mascot
Go ahead, click on that link. Looking into that ornament’s eyes will steal your soul.
** Jason Witten Raiders Ornament
Jason Witten played 17 years in the NFL, all but one with the Cowboys. But do you want to celebrate the 13 catches he had with the Raiders? Then you’re in luck!
** Saints Snack Pack Set
Nothing says “Geaux Saints” like … silver and gold bobble-eyed peanuts staring down at you from the Christmas tree.
** Ravens “Future Fan” Ball
What is this? There is not a picture of a baby on here. Is this implying the Christmas tree is a future fan? Or that the tree will have a baby who is a fan?
** Rams Sled
The last time Los Angeles had any measurable snow was 2007, so nothing says a merry football Rams Christmas like a sled.
WR: Davante Adams, 25.07 pts — started by Jeff
RB: Dalvin Cook, 34.13 pts — on Dad’s bench
TE: George Kittle, 22.57 pts — started by Bob
K: Matt Prater, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Tennessee, 26.00 pts — started by me
D: Mike Hughes, 16.00 pts — on the wire
Pour one out for Dad, who had Cook on his bench (like most of the rest of the fantasy world) after early reports had him out several more weeks following a shoulder injury in November. Instead, he surprised by suiting up for the Thursday night game and rushing for a whopping 205 yds and two 2 TDs. That was as many yds and TDs as he had amassed in the previous four games, and was easily his best outing of the year.
Shoutout to the all waiver wire team of RB Rashaad Penny (2nd best RB on the week), WR Jakeem Grant (5th best WR on the week) and TE Albert Okwuegbunam (4th best TE on the week) who would have gotten you 56.19 pts in this league if you had started them instead of the terrible choices we all made.
“Bad defense” edition3rd place: (tie) Las Vegas, -3.00 pts — on the wire
3rd place: (tie) Houston, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: New Jersey Giants, -4.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Detroit, -5.00 pts — on the wire
You might think the worst fantasy defense of the week would be the one that gave up the most points, but you’d be wrong. The Raiders surrendered 48 to the Chiefs on Sunday but also managed three sacks, giving them only a negative field goal in the final fantasy standings, Meanwhile, Detroit gave up 38 points but only managed a single sack to keep them from the worst score possible for a defense in a given week.
Even with the worst record in football, the Lions aren’t quite the worst fantasy defense on the season so far. They’re averaging 2.5 fantasy pts a week, compared to 1.9 pts per week from the New Jersey Jets. (For comparison, the top defense, New England, earns you 12.2 pts per week). And yet, both of those squads are rostered in 1 percent of fantasy leagues. I’m dying to find the fantasy manager who has put together a solid playoff team and is starting the Jets each week, just because.
** NFL reporters were all over the trash talk between the Cowboys and Maryland nameless squad leading up to Sunday’s game. From AP — “Cowboys’ McCarthy makes bold prediction: Dallas Cowboys Coach Mike McCarthy told reporters that ‘I’m excited about what is in front of us. We’re going to win this game. I’m confident in that.’”
The response? “Defensive lineman Jonathan Allen said that, ‘The only guarantee in this world is death and taxes.’”
Boy, that’s … something, I guess? This is what counts as trash talk? Where’s teh “we’re the team to beat” statement? Where’s the “we’re gonna rip off their heads and drink from their skulls” comment? Where’s the “if we don’t win this I’m gonna walk home naked” promise?
The Cowboys won, so, great work backing up that courageous outburst, I guess.
** The Houston Texans waived LB Zach Cunningham last week for being late for and missing meetings. "We've got standards,” said Texans Coach David Culley. “I didn't feel like those standards had been met consistently.”
Those standards apparently don’t include winning games, or really dealing with a star QB who was accused of sexually assualting mutliple women. But, hey, every team has to have standards.
By the way, Cunningham was picked up by the first-place Titans after being cut by the last-place Texans, so I’m sure he learned his lesson.
How Eagles players and staff spent the bye week:
QB Jalen Hurts: Watched hours of Tim Tebow film so he could mirror his play even more to the legendary QB.
RB Miles Sanders: Spent more time practicing not getting the ball on obvious running plays.
RB Boston Scott: Somehow shrunk two more inches.
C Jason Kelce: Went down with a leg injury, same as every other Sunday.
QB Gardner Minshew: Applied mustache wax six times a day instead of his normal five-times routine.
Coach Nick Sirianni: Continued to ignore Miles Sanders as much as possible.
DE Ryan Kerrigan: Did not record any tackles, just like 11 of the previous 13 weeks.
WR JJ Arcega-Whiteside: Continued to unfairly occupy a roster spot.
The Cowboys’ defense has been one of the reasons for their success this year, with their secondary becoming a major surprise. Second-year defensive back Trevon Diggs had only three interceptions last year but has nine through 13 games this season. Naturally, the Dallas coaching staff says they saw that talent all along, but in truth the reason they added him to the team last year was because his own name hinted he was their kind of player:
Dallas CB Trevon Diggs
** Gloved bastard clings
I’m not even sure the coaches saw the word “clings” in there when they read it the first time. They just saw “gloved bastard” and thought “yeah, he’s one of ours.”
** Dad took three of four games this week, so he’s up one in our picks for the season. Just four weeks of football left for me to turn this around or else I have to hear about it from him through the whole offseason.
** By my calculations, if Carson Wentz takes about 40 snaps in his game this weekend against the Patriots, the Eagles will get the Colts’ first round draft pick next year. So I guess that makes the game worth watching.
** At the end of the Monday night football game, with the Cardinals trailing by 10, I needed one 50-yard FG to get just enough points to have another team win the week and keep me alive for the fantasy playoffs. With about a minute left, K Matt Prater lined up, reared back and booted one just inside the right upright … from 49 yards. That’s 4 fantasy points, not 5, so I missed the playoffs by 0.5 pts instead of making it by a hair. That one stings.
Week 14 standings
1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1797.84 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1791.09 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1697.26 pts
4 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1687.80 pts
5 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 1611.42 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1603.76 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1598.74 pts
8 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1585.06 pts
9 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1555.89 pts
10 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1530.60 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1498.59 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 1029.68 pts
Lots of drama atop the standings this week but no real change. Jonathan missed a golden opportunity to take the top spot away from Joanna, with her QB and three RBs all on a bye this week, but she managed to get just enough out of WR Cooper Kupp on Monday to stay in the lead. Mom D and Bob both made up some ground on the frontrunners, but remain 100 points out of the title fight for now.
Big weeks from Jeff and I pulled us both into the top rungs of the third tier, and another big week from Dad has him just on the edge of relevance. Paul remains dead.
Now that college football is entering bowl season, the NFL would like to remind you it doesn’t care when you want to watch football, it’ll just make it available whenever it’s least convenient. That means there’s not only a Thursday game this week but also a Saturday night special and a Saturday afternoon game and also still a Monday night game and maybe some games on Sunday but it’s not clear. Anyways, set your rosters early and often.
QB Jalen Hurts: Watched hours of Tim Tebow film so he could mirror his play even more to the legendary QB.
RB Miles Sanders: Spent more time practicing not getting the ball on obvious running plays.
RB Boston Scott: Somehow shrunk two more inches.
C Jason Kelce: Went down with a leg injury, same as every other Sunday.
QB Gardner Minshew: Applied mustache wax six times a day instead of his normal five-times routine.
Coach Nick Sirianni: Continued to ignore Miles Sanders as much as possible.
DE Ryan Kerrigan: Did not record any tackles, just like 11 of the previous 13 weeks.
WR JJ Arcega-Whiteside: Continued to unfairly occupy a roster spot.
The Cowboys’ defense has been one of the reasons for their success this year, with their secondary becoming a major surprise. Second-year defensive back Trevon Diggs had only three interceptions last year but has nine through 13 games this season. Naturally, the Dallas coaching staff says they saw that talent all along, but in truth the reason they added him to the team last year was because his own name hinted he was their kind of player: Dallas CB Trevon Diggs
** Gloved bastard clings
I’m not even sure the coaches saw the word “clings” in there when they read it the first time. They just saw “gloved bastard” and thought “yeah, he’s one of ours.”
** Dad took three of four games this week, so he’s up one in our picks for the season. Just four weeks of football left for me to turn this around or else I have to hear about it from him through the whole offseason. ** By my calculations, if Carson Wentz takes about 40 snaps in his game this weekend against the Patriots, the Eagles will get the Colts’ first round draft pick next year. So I guess that makes the game worth watching.
** At the end of the Monday night football game, with the Cardinals trailing by 10, I needed one 50-yard FG to get just enough points to have another team win the week and keep me alive for the fantasy playoffs. With about a minute left, K Matt Prater lined up, reared back and booted one just inside the right upright … from 49 yards. That’s 4 fantasy points, not 5, so I missed the playoffs by 0.5 pts instead of making it by a hair. That one stings.
Week 14 standings 1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1797.84 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1791.09 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1697.26 pts
4 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1687.80 pts
5 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 1611.42 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1603.76 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1598.74 pts
8 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1585.06 pts
9 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1555.89 pts
10 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1530.60 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 1498.59 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 1029.68 pts
Lots of drama atop the standings this week but no real change. Jonathan missed a golden opportunity to take the top spot away from Joanna, with her QB and three RBs all on a bye this week, but she managed to get just enough out of WR Cooper Kupp on Monday to stay in the lead. Mom D and Bob both made up some ground on the frontrunners, but remain 100 points out of the title fight for now.
Big weeks from Jeff and I pulled us both into the top rungs of the third tier, and another big week from Dad has him just on the edge of relevance. Paul remains dead.
Now that college football is entering bowl season, the NFL would like to remind you it doesn’t care when you want to watch football, it’ll just make it available whenever it’s least convenient. That means there’s not only a Thursday game this week but also a Saturday night special and a Saturday afternoon game and also still a Monday night game and maybe some games on Sunday but it’s not clear. Anyways, set your rosters early and often.
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