Fantasy League 2021 -- week 9 recap

A long, long time ago
I can still remember when the football used to make me smile.
And I knew if teams had the chance
They could make the ball advance
And make the fans be happy for a while
But November Sundays made me shiver
With the shoddy product teams delivered
Bad news struck a new tone
They couldn’t find the end zone
I can’t remember if I cried
As my fantasy team shot down my pride
Something was wrong with the lines
The day the offense died

Did you see the Bills at one
And do you have faith in god above
If he allows a Jag’s upset?
Now do you believe the final score
Neither team hit double digits, or
Had a touchdown, in regulation, get set.
Well I know the Packers were quite thin
With Rodgers having the covid
The Chiefs can’t plant their shoes
Bet the over, you would lose
It was a lonely off week for the Bucs
So their scoring remained out of luck
But who knew the Cowboys would just suck
The day the offense died

I saw the Rams just sing the blues
And I asked how they could really lose
With the Titans barely getting 20
I went down to the game box score
Where I’d seen some points come out before
But Bengals said that 16 was just plenty
And in the streets the Panthers screamed
The Niners cried, and the Texans dreamed
But not a cheer was spoken
The scoring sheets were broken
And the Colts, who scored the very most
Played on Thursday, watched by ghosts
They head next week to Florida’s coast
Unless their offense dies.

So bye, bye weeks of seeing points fly
Extra games are making players skill sets just die
And the better teams, they just won’t even try
Until they can get some rest from their bye


(By the way, in case it wasn’t clear, the lyrics above are all about the death of Buddy Holly, probably)

  

QB: Lamar Jackson, 36.64 pts — started by Ant
WR: Elijah Moore, 21.20 pts — started by Jeff
RB: James Conner, 35.23 pts — started by Mom D
TE: Pat Freiermuth, 17.37 pts — on Jonathan’s bench
K: Brandon McManus, 13.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: New England, 23.00 pts — started by Jonathan
D: Xavier McKinney, 13.00 pts — on the wire

If you had this lineup as your daily fantasy entry, you deserve all the money you won. Beyond Jackson, that’s the no-name Olympics up there.

Three of the top seven players this week came from that bonkers 45-30 Colts vs. Jets contest on Thursday night: RB Jonathan Taylor (32.07 pts), QB Carson Wentz (30.18 pts) and QB Josh Johnson (30.48 pts), who came on in relief after the Jets starting QB … Mike White? Oh yeah, that guy who we couldn’t identify last week. I was wondering what team he was on. Anyways, the Jets had two ridiculously good games from QB in consecutive weeks, so keep an eye out for the four horsemen in the next few days.

“My guys” edition

3rd place: Calvin Ridley, 0.00 pts — on my bench
2nd place: Baltimore, -3.00 pts — started by me
1st place: Cincinnati, -4.00 pts — on my bench

Fair is fair — I pile on all of you when you start bottom feeders, so it’s only right when I point out that I had two of the three worst players on the week taking up space on my roster. Only the Jets defense managed a lower score this week (-5.00 pts), and that only half counts because they played on Thursday night, where football stats go to die.

Just missing the cut was Panthers QB Sam Darnold, who lived on my bench for a while in another league and returned the truly awful line against the Patriots on Sunday of 172 passing yds, no TDs, three INTs and a hopping 1.78 fantasy pts. Yahoo fantasy’s recap of his weekend stated that “it's a major upset Darnold made it 60 minutes, as he was the worst player on the field for either team this afternoon.”


** ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt apparently has an entire monthly show related to “bad beats” now. For the uninitiated, bad beats are when a game appears to have one outcome for bettors, but in the final minutes of the contest, the result switches. Think the Jaguars scoring a last-second touchdown to cover a betting spread.

The fact that there’s an entire show devoted to this is ridiculous in and of itself, but I tuned in a for a few minutes on Friday and saw Van Pelt talking about the Campbell vs. Gardner-Webb football game on Oct. 9. Gardner Webb was favored by 9 points, and the game was tied after three quarters. Campbell ended up scoring twice in the fourth quarter to pull off the win. Van Pelt called it a “bad beat” for everyone who had money on the game.

 
First, that’s not a bad beat. That’s an upset. It’s not like Gardner Webb was up by 20 and blew the lead in the last five minutes. They got beaten. That’s how sports work.

Second, who the hell is betting on Gardner Webb and Campbell? None of you had heard of either of these schools before you read the previous two paragraphs. How many people were putting serious money down on this game between two (checks notes) Big South Conference members?

I guess the answer is “the gambling degenerates who are watching ESPN’s bad beats show,” but still.

** At halftime of Touchdown Radio’s broadcast of Saturday’s Ohio State/Nebraska game, analyst K. C. Jones was asked his opinion of what both teams needed to do to win the close contest. Jones said Nebraska “needed to get back to running the ball, doing what they do well” and that Ohio State “needed to control the line of scrimmage and dominate the running game.”

At that point, Ohio State had rushed for 55 yards but was leading by a touchdown. Nebraska had rushed for 15 yards on 19 attempts. Ohio State won the game … by rushing for 35 more yards and passing for 168 more, almost double their first-half total.

Bad analysis is always part of football announcing. Without it, I wouldn’t rant here every week. But Jones is a former college and NFL center from the 1990s. Every answer from guys like him is “run the ball” or “do what I used to do.” Maybe we could think about updating a few analysts who have watched football in the last 20 years and know what today’s game is about instead?

** Aaron Rodgers, man. Aaron Rogers.

QB #1: 9 starts, 2,198 passing yds, 17 TDs, 3 INTs, 100.1 QB rating
QB #2: 9 starts, 1,883 passing yds, 13 TDs, 11 INTs, 72.8 QB rating
QB #3: 9 starts, 1,981 passing yds, 11 TDs, 4 INTs, 90.9 rating

QB #2, who is clearly a train wreck that can’t be saved, Carson Wentz with the Eagles in 2020. QB #3 is his replacement in 2021, Jalen Hurts, who has better stats, albeit the same losing record. But QB #1, the solid-looking starter, is Carson Wentz with the Colts this year, calling into question whether the problem was the failed first-round pick or just the absolute disaster that has been this team’s receiving corps and offensive scheme.

WR #1: 29 games, 114 catches, 1,586 receiving yds, 7 TDs
WR #2: 28 games, 137 catches, 1,532 receiving yds, 12 TDs
WR #3: 26 games, 109 catches, 1,594 receiving yds, 13 TDs

WR #3 is Eagles/Raiders/Patriots starter Nelson Agholor over the last three seasons, an up-and-down player who no one would consider in the top half of reliable receivers in the NFL. WR #2 is Jets wideout Jamison Crowder, who you couldn’t identify if he ran you over on a bike while wearing his jersey. WR #1 is supposed superstar Odell Beckham Jr., who has been part of a solid Browns offense the last three years that apparently was succeeding despite his play, not because of it.

RB #1: 23 games, 1,605 rushing yds, 9 TDs
RB #2: 35 games, 1,985 rushing yds, 9 TDs
RB #3: 24 games, 2,964 rushing yds, 27 TDs

RB #3 is Titans star Derrick Henry over the last two years, which is admittedly so ridiculously better than everyone else that it defies comparisons. RB #2 is Eagles RB Miles Sanders for his entire three-year NFL career thus far, accumulating only about 60 percent of Henry’s output in 11 more games. RB #1 is also a better running back than Sanders, which is disappointing, because that’s not a running back but Ravens QB Lamar Jackson’s rushing line over the last two seasons.

QB #1: 8 games, 2,650 passing yds, 25 passing TDs
QB #2: Zero games, zero yds, zero passing TDs

QB #1 is Bucs signal caller Tom Brady, who is the favorite to win another MVP this season. QB #2 is Tom Brady if they had booted his cheating mug from the league years ago, like they should have.


Dallas WR Noah Brown has been with the Cowboys for five years but used sparingly so far this season, with only seven catches in six appearances. At least part of the problem is that the team still doesn’t have a good handle on who Brown is and what his football makeup could be. But that’s not all their fault — a quick look at the letters in Brown’s own name shows he can’t figure out his personal identity crisis:

Wideout Noah Brown
** Who? A buried wonton
** Who? A urine town bod
** Who? A bowed nun riot
** Who? A trowed bunion
** Who? A inbred nut. Woo!

All riots are bad, but nun riots are particularly dangerous, what with all the rulers and crosses.

Full disclosure, Brown’s name also anagrams to “who? A brownie donut” but that sounds delicious so I didn’t include it here.

** Bad slip this week as I lost both of my picks this week to Dad. That leaves me up six after nine weeks, but feeling a little less steady after the loss of momentum. I really can’t get a read on the Browns at all.

** Delaware blew the doors off FCS #23 William and Mary this week which … I think is good? If you thought the FBS rankings were a mess, you should look at the lower divisions. Anyways, the Blue Hens are 5-4 and might have a chance at something maybe I dunno we’ll see.

** My apologies, I know I skipped a few verses in the song, but I felt like the entire column was getting a little overwhelming. But I do have a full “Alice’s Restaurant” rewrite planned for a few weeks from now, and I won’t skimp on a single line.


Week 9 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1,174.76 pts
2 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1,120.82 pts
3 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1,117.76 pts
4 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 1,093.55 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 1,076.33 pts
6 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 1,075.26 pts
7 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 1,075.10 pts
8 — This Is Fine (Bob), 1,055.83 pts
9 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 1,040.84 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 1,015.32 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 922.96 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 688.85 pts

Only five teams topped 100 fantasy pts this week, a testament to how off the normal scoring was. Jo managed to come out on top with 133.81, putting more distance between her and second place. Her 50-plus-pts lead is the largest of the season, just as we hit the halfway point of the too-long 18-game schedule.

Mom D and Jonathan remain locked in silver and bronze position, but don’t sleep on Joel sneaking up the standings. After that it’s a crap shoot, with a bunch of teams circling each other for supremacy of the middle of the pack. Dad remains snarled behind, and Paul remains dead.

Ravens and Dolphins play Thursday night, which would be an interesting match-up if we were talking about actual animals fighting, but less so with these two teams. Get your lineups set anyway.

Fantasy League 2021 -- week 8 recap

Clear takeaways from the Eagles big win over the Lions on Sunday:

** The Eagles are not the worst team in football: It’s pretty clear the Lions are. If they could almost get shut out by a 2-5 team, Detroit could have a good chance of a perfect 0-17 season.

** The Eagles are good enough to finish second in the NFC East: Even with a 6-11 record, that could be all that's needed to outpace the Giants or Washington, who are truly awful.

** The Eagles could definitely beat the Noblesville Lions: The Indiana high school team is one of the best in the country, but Sunday’s 44 pts of offense are surely more than the teenagers could handle.

** The Eagles still likely cannot beat a pack of real lions: RBs Boston Scott and Jordan Howard both looked pretty fast on Sunday, but real lions can run up to 50 mph. Plus they have sharp teeth.

** We really didn’t learn much about the Eagles: That game was a joke, as are the Lions. Still, wins are more fun than losses.

QB: Josh Allen, 33.46 pts — started by Jonathan
WR: Michael Pittman Jr., 22.73 pts — started by Mike
RB: Michael Carter, 21.70 pts — started by Sam
TE: T.J. Hockenson, 10.93 pts — started by Mike
K: Zane Gonzalez, 17.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Philadelphia, 24.00 pts — on the wire
D: Adrian Phillips, 11.50 pts — on the wire

Forget about the Eagles having the top defensive team score of Sunday — they were the 13th best fantasy play of week 8, beating every non-QB position player out there. The birds had totaled 29 fantasy pts in the previous seven weeks of football, and nearly doubled that in their game against Detroit. They allowed the lowest point total of any team this week and actually outscored the Lions with their defense alone (7-6). And all of that really says nothing you need to know about the Eagles’ skill and everything you need to know about the Lions’ sorry excuse for a team.

The third-best quarterback on the week was Mike White, and if I give you three guesses you still won’t be able to come up with what team he plays for. Fantasy football is weird.

“Getting defensive” edition

3rd place: Chicago, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Houston, -5.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: Detroit, -6.00 pts — on the wire

I told you, Detroit is not good.

Raise your hand if you predicted Patrick Mahomes leading the league in interceptions halfway through the season. He has 10 now, with 11 total turnovers in the last four weeks alone, facing off against elite defenses like … checks notes .. the Giants and Washington Football-ish Team. The Chiefs barely squeaked by the Giants on Monday night, and face the first-place Packers, first-place Raiders and first-place Cowboys in their next three games. It might be time to sell all of your Andy Reid stock.


** Headline from the Guardian late last week: “The Giants remain New York City’s best NFL team. But that’s faint praise.”

Two big problems with that:

 
1 — The Jets won on Sunday and the Giants didn’t, giving them a better record (2-5) than the Giants (2-6). They also have arguably better wins (over the Titans and Bengals) than the Giants (over the Saints and Panthers).

2 — Neither of those teams play in New York City. MetLife Stadium is in New Jersey, not New York. If you’re counting neighboring states, then the best New York City NFL team is the New England Patriots.

** Former backup QB turned ESPN football expert Brian Griese, on Monday night football, dropped this gem while the Giants were facing third-and-one on their own half of the field in the fourth quarter of a tie game. “This is a time when you need emotion.”

On the next play, FB Elijhaa Penny caught a 16-yard pass, then got flagged for a 15-yard personal foul penalty for taunting the defensive back he beat. Griese’s immediate response: “You can’t do that! This is what we were just talking about!”

No, you were just talking about playing with more emotion. Seems like he followed your advice perfectly.

NFL teams as Halloween candy:

-- Green Bay Packers: Skittles
Reliably fun with crazy colors.

-- Jacksonville Jaguars: Necco wafers
No idea who ever liked them or why they’re still being made

-- Pittsburgh Steelers: Hershey bars
They’re never great, but never terrible either. Old reliable

-- Tennessee Titans: Milk Duds
A wonderful experience right up until the inevitable injury ruins everything.

-- Houston Texans: Good and Plenty
I’m sure there was a time this seemed like a good idea, but that time is gone now

-- Arizona Cardinals: Tootsie rolls
People will insist they are good, but no one really believes them

-- New England Patriots: Snickers bars with razor blades in them
Willing to do whatever it takes to stand out in the crowd

-- New York Jets: Circus peanuts
These were also popular once. Now we should never speak of them again.

Cowboys QB Dak Prescott was a surprise last-minute scratch on Sunday night with a calf injury, leading to concerns among the Dallas faithful (just kidding, those people aren’t faithful, they’re cheating jerks) about the long-term health of their offensive centerpiece.

Prescott missed most of the season last year, but it appears the injury isn’t that serious. Prescott said he expects to play next week’s game, and the words themselves show that this wound is little more than another underhanded Dallas scam:

Cowboys Dak Prescott leg injury
** Grown boy specked: I just cry a lot.

Remember, you can’t spell “Dak Prescott” without “rotted packs.”

** A huge Sunday for me, as I picked up three games on Dad in our weekly picks. He’s down eight now, and I think half of that total comes from him betting against the Titans. Meanwhile, my strategy of “never believe in the Jaguars or Jets” is largely paying off.

** FYI, there is an outside chance the Cowboys could clinch the NFC East on Thanksgiving Day. They’d have to win out and be 10-1 at that point, with at least 8 losses each for the other three loser division rivals. That’s not completely out of the question.

** Each year around this time I get angry at the state of the NFL, and then college football comes out with its playoff rankings and I’m reminded just how bad everything about the NCAA’ system is. But, yeah, an Alabama team with one loss definitely deserves to be ahead of multiple undefeated teams, because reasons.


Week 8 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 1,040.95 pts
2 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 1,035.53 pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 1,033.82 pts
4 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 982.71 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 979.52 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 976.22 pts
7 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 965.66 pts
8 — This Is Fine (Bob), 933.47 pts
9 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 917.78 pts
10 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 916.34 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 835.33 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 629.26 pts

It’s getting really interesting at the top of the standings. Joanna is still barely holding onto her lead, after Jonathan’s team posted its second consecutive 150-plus-pts explosion. Mom D rounds up the tier of teams that have already collected 1,000 fantasy pts, with a big gap between third place and fourth.

There’s a logjam for the next four teams, followed by Bob, whose fall from grace has been swift and painful (just 55.13 pts this week, with four starters on a bye next week.) Ant saw a similar beat down on Sunday, while Dad remains in football purgatory. Paul still has not been sighted for weeks.

Week 9 features a Thursday night Jets game and only three contests where both teams have winning records, so good luck with that. Just remember to get those rosters set and try not to look directly at any terrible match-ups.

Fantasy League 2021 -- week 7 recap

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but there were a lot of weird occurrences in the NFL this weekend: the Bengals are now in first place, the Chiefs are in last and failed to score a TD for the first time in 147 games with coach Andy Reid, the Lions led the Rams heading into the fourth quarter (they still lost, but it was scary). And I think it all may be connected to another history-making moment from Sunday. Consider:

— On Sunday, Bucs QB Tom Brady set yet another NFL record when he squared off against Chicago QB Justin Fields. Brady is 44, Fields is 22, and that was the largest age spread between starting QBs in NFL history.

— It’s amazing to see Brady still going strong when so many other players can’t stay on the gridiron past age 40. Almost like he has a deal with the devil or something. Saturday Night Live even made a joke about it this week. Kinda funny.

— Also in his team’s blowout win over the Bears, Brady became the first player in league history to pass for 600 TDs in a career. Brady, a former sixth-round pick has TD passes in six games this season, leading his team to a 6-1 record. That’s a lot of sixes.

— Brady graduated from University of Michigan (nearby Detroit is the site of the largest Satanist Temple Chapter in the United States) in 1999, in what has been described as an upside-down year for the public education system. “1999” upside-down is, of course, “666!”.

— Brady is best known for his time in New England, but two years ago he traded in that legacy for a chance to play in the warmer climate and all-red uniforms of Tampa Bay. The heat and all red reminds me of something, but I can’t quite put my finger on it…

— Hey, did you know that if you assign number values to each letter (a=1, b=2, c=3 … z=26) and you calculate “Quarterback Tom Brady, a NFL Super Bowl champ with the Bucs and the Pats,” it comes to exactly 666? Weird, right?

Anyway, I can’t prove definitively that Brady is the antichrist, at least not yet. But don’t be surprised if the Bucs end up playing the NFC championship game in Dallas, then Brady walks to the center star to rip off his face, breathe fire into the sky and begin his reign of 10,000 years of horror upon the earth. We all should have seen it coming.

QB: Tua Tagovailoa, 34.54 pts — started by Sam
WR: Cooper Kupp, 27.40 pts — started by Jo
RB: Alvin Kamara, 24.63 pts — started by Sam
TE: C.J. Uzomah, 19.57 pts — on the wire
K: Austin Seibert, 15.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Tampa Bay, 24.00 pts — started by Mom D
D: De'Vondre Campbell, 9.00 pts — started by Jonathan

I actually had to double check my work because I didn’t believe that Miami could produce a top performer. But, in their loss to the Falcons, the Dolphins QB (whose real first name is Tuanigamanuolepola, no I am not making that up) threw for 291 yards, four TDs and two interceptions in a performance good enough to top the charts in a weird bye week. This is also a chance to remind you that the Eagles hold the Dolphins first-round draft pick next year, and Miami has already lost to Jacksonville and Atlanta, two of the other teams in the running for the #1 overall pick. If only Detroit weren’t so awful…

There was actually a tie this week at kicker and team defense for the top performer, but you wouldn’t have noticed or cared if I didn’t point it out, so, whatever.

“Names of note” edition

3rd place: Colt McCoy, -0.10 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Shi Smith, -0.30 pts — on the wire
1st place: AJ Dillion, -0.77 pts — started by Paul

McCoy, the backup QB for the Cardinals, actually has three appearances in games this year, all of them kneel downs for negative yards. He’s at -6 rushing yds for the season so far, and worth -0.60 fantasy pts. The Eagles have already inquired about trading for him to replace Miles Sanders as the team’s starting RB.

Dillion was a popular preseason pick to take over the lead RB duties in Green Bay. He has collected 231 rushing yds on the year so far, but only scored double-digit fantasy points once so far this year. On the plus side, he still has more rushing yards on the season than first-round fantasy picks Christian McCaffery, Saquon Barkley and David Johnson (note, David Johnson was a first-round fantasy pick in 2017, not this year.)

I have nothing to say about Shi Smith, I assume that is some sort of typo by the league and not an actual player.


** The Arizona Cardinals and Atlanta Falcons had a social media throw down this week after the Cardinals’ Twitter account posted a sign reading “Rise Up, Red Sea” as a rally cry for fans ahead of Sunday’s game.

The Falcons’ PR crew took exception, noting that they have used “Rise Up” as a slogan since 2014, and accused the Cardinals of plagiarizing their work. The Cardinals then noted that they’ve been using the phrase off and on since 2004, so maybe Atlanta should look in the mirror and decide who is stealing.

Here’s the key problem with the fight, however: The slogan suuuuucks.

Seriously, “Rise Up” is so generic you might as well go with “Go Football” as your attempt to pump up the crowd. And “Rise Up, Red Sea” makes no sense unless the Cardinals have a huge Egyptian fan base I was not aware of. You both have bird-based teams. Spent three minutes coming up with flying puns and call it a day.

Hell, you can even borrow the Eagles fight song if you want. Lord knows they’re barely using it this year.

** In the first quarter of Sunday night’s Colts/Niners game, San Francisco was facing third and 5 and tried a quick swing pass along the sidelines to RB JaMycal Hasty. LB Darius Leonard was in stride with him, and as the ball dropped down to the pair, Hasty lost his footing, fell and missed the ball.

At first look, it appeared that Leonard tripped him, but the defensive player turned to the refs and indicated the two never touched (and replayed showed that to be the case). When the refs declined to throw a flag, Leonard turned and pumped his arms in the air, then swept his arms across his body to celebrate shutting down the play.

Wait, which was it? Did he shut down the play? Or did he make no contact and Hasty fell on his own? Because if he did trip him, it's a penalty. And if he didn't, then he didn't do anything. 

I know NFL players are required to over-celebrate every chance they get, but if you get out of a big gain because the receiver falls down on his own, there’s no chest thumping or ego building. Just pump your fist and enjoy the fact that you survived even though you did nothing on the play.

 
** Eagles coach Nick Sirianni, on his team’s progress so far this year: “When you’re 2-5 you’re going to question a lot of things. Getting better, too, is not these drastic jumps, it’s just little-by-little each day, and so we feel like we’re getting better in a lot of different areas, figuring out who we are and what we do well.”

I know who you are: You're a 2-5 team that can’t win at home. Why not try a few drastic jumps and improve that 0-3 record in Philly?

Last week, the Eagles had to say goodbye to TE Zach Ertz. This week, the bird said goodbye to another franchise icon: QB Joe Flacco, traded to the quarterback-needy Jets. Before he departs Philly, let’s take a look at his storied career with the Eagles:

** Flacco is only the second Super Bowl MVP ever to don an Eagles uniform (QB Nick Foles is the other one, in case you can’t remember).

** Flacco leaves the team tied in TD passes with greats like Reggie White, Seth Joyner, Chuck Bednarik and David Akers (all had zero).

** The Eagles never once lost to the Giants while Flacco was a member of the team.

** Flacco had fewer interceptions than any starting Eagles QB of the last five years .. even Nate Sudfeld, who managed one in his limited playing time.

** Speaking of the other Super Bowl MVP, Joe Flacco comes in above Nick Foles in all-time Eagles QBs ranked by alphabetical order.

One bit of consolation for the Flacco loyalists out there at Lincoln Financial Field: The Philly faithful may get a chance to see him again on the sidelines in December, when the Eagles face the Jets. That’s if he doesn’t get cut before then.

Every week as I process the evil that is just the names of all of these Dallas players, I’m left wondering, “won’t someone think of the children?” Well, you know who is thinking about them? Rookie Cowboys offensive lineman Matt Farniok. And it’s not great:

Dallas O-Guard Matt Farniok
**A dour gnarl, am fatal to kids

Harming children has been a theme with the Cowboys well before the days of Michael Irvin eating children, and it’s a tradition that one would hope the authorities would end. But, alas, that’s not the case yet.

** Sunday was “National Tight Ends” day, according to the NFL, and Eagles TE Dallas Goedert celebrated by taking off the last three quarters of the game. It’s a weird choice of celebration, considering that’s what he does nearly every week.

** Another week, another game up on Dad in our picks. I’m plus five on him for the season so far, thanks to my accurate prediction about the Titans taking down the Chiefs. So maybe that wasn’t such a surprise.

** I refuse to acknowledge that the World Series is happening, but thanks for asking.


Week 7 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 932.76 pts
2 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 911.36 pts
3 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 881.07 pts
4 — This Is Fine (Bob), 877.84 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 861.04 pts
6 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 850.48 pts
7 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 849.05 pts
8 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 848.41 pts
9 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 847.04 pts
10 — Came and Wentz (Capt Awesome), 835.02 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 743.56 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 573.86 pts

Paul this week managed to start five players who did not appear for a single snap, plus another player who scored in negative points (Dillon). But he still almost outscored Mike, whose previously unstoppable team had a complete face-plant this week. My team followed suit, dropping from the middle of the pack to 10th place. And Dad continues to feel the wrath of the fantasy gods for Yahoo’s pre-season prediction that his team would finish in first.

That’s the bad news — here’s the good: There are two residents of Fort Awesome in medal position in the standings, and neither one of them are me. Joanna extended her elbow room atop the leaderboard with another solid week (Jalen Hurts, he doesn’t win real games but he does amass fantasy points). And Jonathan topped the league in scoring this week despite having to rely on a backup QB (Matt Ryan, 21.44 solid fantasy pts) due to Josh Allen’s bye and a nobody RB who ended up third in position scoring for the week (Browns RB D'Ernest Johnson, 23.07 pts).

Mom D continues her climb up the charts too, presenting the only threat within 50 points of Joanna’s reign. But it is still worth noting that the gap between 10th and 3rd is still less than 50 fantasy pts, meaning we’re likely to see a lot more shuffling in weeks to come.

Speaking of weeks to come, week 8 starts on Thursday with a great matchup between the Packers and Cardinals, and only two teams have byes (the Raiders and Ravens). Why have six in week 7 and only two in week 8? Because the NFL hates you, of course. That’s always the answer.

Fantasy League 2021 -- week 6 recap

The NBA’s 75th season begins tonight and ends sometime next June after 47 rounds of the playoffs. The league boasts it has the best athletes in the world, but how many of them could compete in football, considered worldwide to be the best test of sporting skill? Here’s a few possible candidates:

— LeBron James: The Lakers PF has said in the past that he considered playing TE before opting for basketball, but he’d be a better QB instead. He is a great passer, a natural leader, and already complains to the refs after every call.

— Russell Westbrook: The triple-double machine would make a great wide receiver, with the speed, the agility and the non-stop mouth for the job.

— Zion Williamson: The Pelicans star is 6-foot-7 and 285 pounds. He’s already an offensive lineman without any practice yet.

— Ben Simmons: The Sixers All-Star PF doesn’t seem to want to play basketball anymore, so why not try out another sport? Hell, he doesn’t even need to leave town. Ship him a few miles south and see if he can throw a pass quicker than Jalen Hurts.

— Grayson Allen: The Bucks SG has a history of kicking opponents in the balls, so he’s a natural to cheat with the Patriots.

QB: Kirk Cousins, 35.02 pts — on Joel’s bench
WR: CeeDee Lamb, 26.63 pts — started by Jeff
RB: Derrick Henry, 34.17 pts — started by Joel
TE: Noah Fant, 17.97 pts — started by Jeff
K: Matthew Wright, 20.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Indianapolis, 18.00 pts — started by Dad
D: Trevon Diggs, 11.00 pts — on the wire

It’s always a miserable week when there are multiple Cowboys on the top performers list. QB Dak Prescott just missed out too, scoring 1.8 pts fewer than Cousins.

The best part of Wright’s impressive kicking performance this week, which culminated in a game-winning 53-yard FG to end the Jaguars’ 20-game losing streak, was that his three FGs on Sunday were the first three made by Jacksonville all year. Yeah. In the sixth game of the season. Now I’m not saying the team started 0-5 just because of that, but I have noticed in my years of research into the game that scoring points is a key to winning. Good on coach Urban Myer to try that new approach this week.

“Myles Gaskin” edition

1st place: Myles Gaskin, 2.23 pts — on Jo’s bench

Gaskin, the Dolphins top running back, was not the worst performer on the week, but he may be the biggest fantasy football killer of the season. I have him in two other leagues, and had to pay up in draft cost to get him (he was a round 5 pick in this league, so that puts him in the RB #2 or #3 category).

In the first four weeks of the year, he totaled 24.00 pts — pretty paltry for a supposed starting RB in the NFL. So most fantasy managers nationwide gave up on him in week 5, sending him to the bench. He responded with 99 yds, 10 catches, two TDs and 24.43 fantasy pts in Miami’s blowout loss to the Bucs. That made him a natural start this week against the Jags … where he totaled a whopping 14 yds and 2.23 fantasy pts.

There are always busts in fantasy football, and it’s impossible to guard against them. But there’s nothing worse than when a high-round pick looks like complete trash, then excels the minute you drop him.

The only silver lining is that Gaskin’s miserable play seems to be dragging the whole team down, and the Eagles currently hold the Dolphins’ first-round draft pick next year. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that the birds could have two top five picks, plus another in the teens if the Colts continue to languish. It’d just be nice to free up that roster spot now and not have to worry about Gaskin scoring 40 pts against the Ravens in a few weeks in yet another fantasy head scratcher.


** After his team’s 38-11 loss to the Rams on Sunday, New Jersey Giants defensive lineman Leonard Williams said he heard Giants fans booing throughout the second half of the game. “I understand they have a right to be upset as well because they're coming to see us put good football on the field and we haven't been winning up to date,” he said. “But at the same time, I don't know. I just don't like that."
Hey, buddy, I think I know a way to get them to stop booing you...

** NFL.com writer Adam Rank has a “start ‘em, sit ‘em” fantasy football column each week. Here’s how he started his case to start Bengals QB Joe Burrow this Sunday as a reliable source of fantasy points:

“I mean, I don’t love the fact that he visited the hospital on Sunday night for a possible throat contusion.”

Credit where due, Burrow was great this week. But … what are we doing here? The fact that Burrow’s neck was almost snapped in half last week and the response was “yeah but I bet he does great against that soft Lions defense next game” is bonkers. Maybe just, I don’t know, pretend like the injury didn’t happen? Is that a healthier way to look at all of this? I’m honestly not sure anymore.

** Related, on Sunday Night Football’s Sunday night edition this week, sideline reporter Michelle Tafoya talked about Seahawks QB Russel Wilson’s having his finger tendon rupture in the game last week and his four-week recovery timeline. “He has a cast on for 48 hours after the injury. He was supposed to be bending it at 10 degrees this week as part of therapy, but he told me he’s already at 75 degrees.”

As a proud fantasy owner of Wilson in a league with money at stake, I have an immediate response to that: Stop.

Wilson had started 149 consecutive games before last week’s injury. No one was questioning his toughness. But when your finger is almost ripped off on national TV, take a month off to get your digits back together. I’m not sure if I’d rather see Wilson accidentally throw his own hand into the stands during a game or Burrow’s head slide off during a blindside sack, but I kinda feel like we’re headed to a point where the league is gonna make me choose.

After an off-season of rumors, the Eagles this week shipped off one of their all-time greats in a trade with the Cardinals. TE Zach Ertz gets a chance to win a Super Bowl with the league’s only remaining undefeated team, while the Eagles get a few bags of peanuts and a lot of great memories that feel hard to swallow right now. Here’s a look at some of the highlights and hidden facts from his eight-year Philadelphia career:

— Ertz is second all-time in receptions in Eagles history, with 579 (just 11 behind Harold Carmichael). If the Eagles had kept him until the Nov. 2 trade deadline, there’s a good chance he’d be the all-time leader.

— Ertz is third all-time in playoff receptions in Eagles history, with 33 (tied with RB Brian Westbrook and only five behind the leader, TE Chad Lewis).

— Ertz is first all-time in receptions in a year by a tight end, with 116 in 2018. Only 16 wideouts in NFL history have caught more passes in a single year.

— Per NBC sports, Ertz is the only player in NFL history with a 4th-down catch in the fourth quarter of a Super Bowl win, a 2 -yard grab on 4th-and-1 with less than 6 minutes left in the game. That catch prolonged the drive where Ertz caught the game-winning TD in Super Bowl LII.

— Ertz’ football success comes in part thanks to Lehigh University; His father played there from 1981 to 1984.

— Despite those accolades, Ertz isn’t even the best athlete in his own house. His wife, Julie Ertz, is a four-time international soccer champion and bronze-medal winner who was named player of the year twice in the last five years.

Ertz took out a full-page ad in the Inquirer on Tuesday to thank the fans and city for all the support over the years, which, of course he did, the guy is awesome. I guess I’m pulling for the Cardinals to win the Super Bowl now?

Look, I was only going to do a one-player anagram this week, because it’s still early in the season and I don’t want to exhaust myself. But when I find the mark of the beast in multiple Cowboys’ players’ names, I just have to point it out. Consider:

Dallas free safety Damontae Kazee
** Deadly zeal, seek fear, team of Satan

Dallas strong safety Jayron Kearse
** Snot-grade jerk, all say yes for Satan

Dallas cornerback Nahshon Wright
** Shh. Born wrong, crackled “Hail Satan!”

I’m barely even trying here anymore. This team just oozes evil constantly.

** Gainted another game on Dad this week, so I’m plus-4 for the season in our weekly picks. His undying love of the Jets and Lions will be his ultimate undoing.

** Seriously, though, is it took much to ask for one watchable Philly sports team?

** The Jaguars snapped their streak of 20 losses in a row and I had a whole riff on that connected to “The Awesome Cup Championship #20 brought to you by NFL Hall of Famer Brian Dawkins, the greatest safety of all time” but how could I put Dawkins name anywhere near that cess pool of football? It wouldn’t be right.

 

Week 6 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 786.31 pts
2 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 781.87pts
3 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 777.03 pts
4 — This Is Fine (Bob), 771.57 pts
5 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 741.89 pts
6 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 733.54 pts
7 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 730.96 pts
8 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 728.78 pts
9 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 728.63 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 725.86 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 669.30 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 505.29 pts

The headline grabber here is Bob’s terrible week (97.23 pts, ooof) combined with impressive outings from Jo and Mom D shaking up the top of the leaderboard again. The top tier of teams is now a solid group of four, with a 30-pts cushion between the next group of hopefuls.

But this week was really about the bottom of the list (except for Paul, who started three injured players and two more on a bye and is completely checked out). Jeff, Dad and Joel led scoring for the week, with Jeff posting a top tally of 160.76 pts. While Dad is still struggling to catch up to the rest of the pack, the difference between fifth and 10th place is a mere 16 pts (or one decent game from Devonta Smith).

Two solid weeks in a row could see anyone in the top 10 sit atop the charts. Last year in week 6, there was already a 170-pts difference between first and 10th.

It’s still anybody’s game, so remember to set your rosters. We have a meh Thursday game (the remains of the Broncos vs the remains of the Browns) and then six teams on a bye this weekend, so finding fill-ins early is key. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Fantasy League 2021 -- week 5 recap

The NHL season begins tonight, and once again the league is poised to dominate the sports world for the next nine months as its non-stop excitement demands the full attention of the American viewing public. But the NFL could win back a few of those fans if it adopted some of hockey’s most innovative moves. Here are a few ideas:

— The penalty box: Forget yardage penalties. Next time an offensive lineman holds a guy, he heads to the sidelines for two minutes. Let’s see the QB stay standing with a gaping hole in the middle of his protection.

— Canadian teams: There’s already one NFL team based in Canada (the Buffalo Bills) but why not more? They’re friendly folks.

— Playing on ice: Everyone loves when the Packers take to a snow-covered field in January. Why not make that the standard for the league? Let’s see the Dolphins and Jaguars square off on a skating rink in the middle of 70-degree Florida. Couldn’t be worse than watching them play for real.

— Playoff expansion: The NHL has 16 teams make the playoffs each year. The NFL could .. wait, they probably are gonna expand that much. This doesn’t feel like a joke anymore, nevermind.

— Fighting: Make it a key part of the game. Instead of ejections, offer offsetting penalties and incentivize teams that are down a bunch to take unprovoked, unnecessary swings at the other team. At the very least, it’d be fun to see how well QB Tom Brady can dodge a punch.

QB: Justin Herbert, 50.82 pts — started by Sam
WR: Mike Williams, 27.00 pts — started by Bob
RB: Derrick Henry, 31.00 pts — started by Joel
TE: Mark Andrews, 31.30 pts — started by Dad
K: Greg Joseph, 17.00 pts — started by Ant
DEF: Buffalo, 18.00 pts — started by Mike
D: Kevin Byard, 15.00 pts — started by Sam

I’m so proud of you all.

For the first time since December 2015, our league managed to start all of the top performers on the week. It’s actually only the third time we’ve done it since the start of the 2012 season, and the wait between this time and the last was a whopping 87 fantasy weeks. Here’s what happened during that stretch:

 
** The Eagles drafted QB Carson Wentz, saw him almost win an MVP, won a Super Bowl, saw him sustain multiple injuries, then traded him away.

** The Patriots won two Super Bowls, lost a third, then allowed their starting QB to leave, giving him a chance to win another in Tampa Bay while they fell out of playoff relevancy.

** The Alabama Crimson Tide went 72-6 and won three national titles.

** The entire Trump presidency happened.

** The New York Jets lost 62 games.

It’s a historic day, folks. Please take a moment to celebrate the achievement and get back out there next week for a chance to repeat history.

“Defenses we started” edition

3rd place: Cleveland, -2.00 pts — started by Bob
2nd place: Kansas City, -3.00 pts — started by Jeff
1st place: LA Chargers, -5.00 pts — started by Joel

This is the first time our league has started three defenses that scored negative points since … like, two weeks ago. Ugh, defenses stink this year.

The Chargers and Browns combined for 89 pts on the scoreboard Sunday, which led to a combined -7.00 fantasy pts on the defensive side. So, that’s less than ideal for two teams that had been solid fantasy performers up until this week.

Through five weeks, Kansas City is the worst fantasy defense in all of football, posting a combined -5.00 pts in the last three games and just 3.00 pts on the year. That includes an interception returned for a TD in week 2, a play that was worth 8.00 pts by itself. Take that away and they’re under zero for the season. So a trip back to the Super Bowl might be tricky this time.


** God bless WIP. On Monday, John Marks and Ike Reese opened up their daily show by screaming “VICTORY!” and singing the Eagles fight song. And they followed that up by talking for the next hour about how Jalen Hurts is not a franchise QB, how coach Nick Sirianni is a poor game manager, and how the win really shouldn’t count.

 
I’m not even saying they’re wrong, I’m just saying that maybe you can ease up a little after a win, guys. Remember the best Mike Schmidt quote ever: “Philadelphia is the only city where you can experience the thrill of victory and the agony of reading about it the next day."

** CBS Radio host Jim Rome, also on Monday: “There’s no such thing as a signature win in October. There’s too much season left, it’s too early for any one game to matter. That said, the Chargers had a signature win on Sunday over the Browns.”

I can’t decide if I’m supposed to believe Jim Rome that October games don’t really matter or Jim Rome that this one October game really mattered. Maybe I’ll just ignore them both.

** Washington Post headline after the weekend’s college football slate: “Some fall Saturdays are crazy. This one was completely bonkers.” Here’s a recap of what the article uses to support that statement:

#1 Alabama lost to unranked Texas A&M.
#3 Iowa won a close game against #4 Penn State.
#6 Oklahoma won a close game against #21 Texas.
#9 Michigan won a close game against unranked Nebraska.
#16 Kentucky won a blowout over LSU.
Unranked Utah beat unranked USC.

That’s … bonkers? Three teams in the top 25 got upset this weekend, and two of them aren’t mentioned in the article. The Alamaba loss was shocking, but sometimes good teams do lose, and it doesn’t qualify as “completely bonkers” when it happens.

 
Last week, the Washington Post had a headline about the MLB post-season being completely unexpected because two teams not picked in the pre-season to win playoff spots did. This week they’re shocked because of a small number of college football upsets. Maybe the Post sports staff needs to just take a deep breath and not pre-write so many game stories.

The 2-3 Eagles take on the 4-1, Super Bowl defending champions Tampa Bay Bucs on Thursday night. On paper it looks like a mismatch, but don’t listen to the pundits: There are many ways the birds can win this game. Here are a few:

— Brady’s injury: QB Tom Brady reportedly injured his thumb late in last week’s big win over the Dolphins. He’s downplaying the injury now, but what if it turns out to be serious? Backup QB Blaine Gabbert doesn’t strike the same fear in the hearts of defenses.

— The passing game: Eagles QB Jalen Hurts has shown signs of promise in his passing this year, and the Bucs have given up a lot of yards through the air this season. The Eagles haven’t won a real shootout yet this year, but it’s possible.

— COVID: The NFL has said if a team has to cancel a game because of a coronavirus outbreak, it’ll count as a loss. So, maybe all of Tampa players get sick?

— Flight cancellations: Southwest Airlines cancelled several hundred flights this week after (pick you favorite outlandish political reason here). Maybe the Bucs’ private pilot decides to skip town early? You think Brady would agree to an 18-hour bus ride up to Phill on a short week?

— Common sense: Thursday games are stupid, so maybe the players union forces the league to abandon them, and then it accidentally gets recorded as a Philly victory.

WR Simi Fehoko was labeled one of the steals of the draft last spring, because of his size and speed. But so far this year, he hasn’t recorded any meaningful stats for the Cowboys. If they had only taken a closer look at the letters in his name …

Dallas WR Simi Fehoko
** A model: His work fails
** Doom swirls, I flake. Ha!
** Kid film, a loser show

There’s normal evil and then there is lazy evil. Dallas has both.

** Dad and I split our picks this week, so I remain up three for the year. But in a larger sense, I won the weekend, because I had enough sense not to pick the Jets to win back-to-back games, while other, unnamed people did not.

** The Blue Hens lost to Rhode Island this week and that’s enough said about that.

** Speaking of coronavirus outbreaks, TE Dallas Goedert ended up on the COVID list today, so at least he’ll have a reason for disappearing on Thursday night.

Week 5 standings

1 — This Is Fine (Bob). 674.34 pts
2 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 670.16 pts
3 — QB Carousel (Jo), 648.44 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 646.09 pts
5 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 640.11 pts
6 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 621.96 pts
7 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 617.00 pts
8 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 615.39 pts
9 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 586.75 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 565.10 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 515.49 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 438.05 pts

We’re officially more than a quarter of the way through the season, and there are four distinct tiers in our standings right now:

Lead dawgs: Bob and Mike have opened up a small but healthy lead over the rest of the pack. Now the question is whether they can hold it. Bob’s team has been lead by MVP frontrunner QB Kyler Murray and some solid wideouts, but in the last two weeks he has lost his starting TE (George Kittle), his starting RB (Saquon Barkley) and his backup TE (Maxx Williams). Mike similarly has injuries to his starting RB (Najee Harris), his #3 wideout (Sammy Watkins) and his previous #3 wideout (Sterling Shepard). That’s a lot of beds in the ER to be relying on.

At their heels: Jo, Mom D and Sam are all within one good week from passing the top two. But they’ve also had their good weeks already (in Sam’s case, he led the league this week with an absurd 174.44 pts) and still sit a little ways back.

Within sight of the top: Ant, Jonathan and I have been turning in solid if not spectacular performances of late. But it’ll take more than that to climb up the standings.

Everybody else: There’s almost a 90-pts gap between our top two and our bottom four. It ain’t over until it’s over, but it’s definitely starting to get late for the teams down there.

Along with the Thursday Eagles/Bucs game, remember that bye weeks begin this Sunday, so check your roster early to see what gaping holes the NFL has left there with their predictably bizarre scheduling.

Fantasy League 2021 -- week 4 recap

As a thank you to the fans who have had to endure three weeks of subpar play by the birds, the Philadelphia Eagles this week announced they will be giving away some one-of-a-kind items to bring the faithful closer to the game. Here’s a look at some of the available prizes:

— RB Miles Sanders’ gameday cleats: They’re barely used, since the team has only called rushing plays for him nine times in the last two games.

— Game-used penalty flags: The Eagles have a ton to hand out. They’re averaging 11 a game, and have 10 more on the season than the next closest team.

— DT Fletcher Cox’ shoulderpads: Again, barely used. He has three tackles and zero QB hits in four games.

— “Beat Dallas” T-shirts: Coach Nick Sirianni wore one before the Cowboys game and actually ordered several thousand, but the team now realizes they won’t be able to wear them in public until 2024 at the earliest.

— WR J.J. Arcega-Whiteside: Someone please take him away already.

— Hopes and dreams: The front office decided to get rid of these ahead of the upcoming loss to the Panthers, to make next Sunday go a little faster.

QB: Patrick Mahomes, 41.72 pts — started by Mike
WR: Tyreek Hill, 35.90 pts — started by Jonathan
RB: Cordarrelle Patterson, 30.93 pts — started by me
TE: C.J. Uzomah, 20.83 pts — on the wire
K: Tyler Bass, 16.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Buffalo, 28.00 pts — started by Mike
D: T.J. Watt, 7.50 pts — on Joanna’s bench

Another week, another set of top performers who played against the Eagles. Last week it was the top RB and TE, this week it’s Mahomes and Hill, who combined for 11 catches for 186 yds and 3 TDs. Not surprisingly, the Eagles Defense (-3.00 pts) was not among the top performers this week.

Buffalo, on the other hand, scored its second shutout of the season on Sunday. Sure, they came against the Dolphins and Texans, but the Bills still have two games left this year against the Jets, so ...

 
“Davis Mills” edition

3rd place: JJ Taylor, -1.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Jakeem Grant, -1.71 pts — on the wire
1st place: Davis Mills, -4.32 pts on the wire

Ten different skill position players and six defenses scored negative points this week, which is probably a record of some sort, but I just don’t have the patience to go back and figure it out.

Mills, the starting QB for the aforementioned Texans, had a pretty bad day on Sunday. He ended up 11 of 21 passing for 87 yards and four interceptions, which gave him a QB rating of just 23.4 (reminder, your QB rating on Sunday of zero completions and zero interceptions was 39.6). The Texans just barely had more offensive yards on the day (109) than penalty yards (10 penalties for 100 yds) and managed a turnover on six of their 11 drives on the day (one on downs, one on a fumble). That doesn’t include another drive where Mills hopped on a teammate’s fumble to avoid another turnover.

The Texans are not a good team. And yet, they still have a better record than the Jaguars or the Lions.


** Headline on ESPN.com on Friday ahead of Tom Brady’s return to New England for the first time since joining the Bucs: “Brady vs. the Patriots evokes memories of Bryce Harper’s first visit to Washington, D.C.”

No.

One of those two won six Super Bowl rings with a franchise and redefined their place in sports. The other never won a playoff series with his first team and then left before they won a championship. Nick Foles return to Philadelphia (next year, as the new starting QB for the Washington Football team probably) is more comparable than Mr. $330 million over here.

** Speaking of Brady, when he broke the all-time passing yards mark on Sunday night, the NBC crew and NFL acknowledged it by … mentioning the record as the next play was being called. That’s it.

When Drew Brees broke the mark at home a few years back, the entire league shut down for 10 minutes so he could take a victory lap around the stadium and the network announcers could cry tears of joy.

But that didn’t happen Sunday since Brady wasn’t playing at home, but in … New England, where he threw only about 94 percent of those yards. Why would fans in stadium there want to acknowledge him at all?

** From the Washington Post’s preview today of the MLB postseason: “These playoffs, which begin Tuesday night in Boston, look very little like anyone expected they would in March.”

That starts with the San Francisco Giants, predicted by many to finish third in their division. Instead, they won 107 games and now enter the postseason as the favorites.

The Boston Red Sox were seen as a fringe playoff contender and landed the final AL wild card spot. Meanwhile, the Dodgers, Braves, Yankees, Brewers, Cardinals, White Sox, and Astros were picked by most to win their divisions or get a wild card spot. The Tampa Bay Rays were in the World Series last year and won their division this year.

So that’s maybe two surprises out of 10 playoff teams? Not sure that counts as looking completely different from what anybody expected in March. But I guess “this year’s postseason has two and only two surprises” is a tougher headline to build around.

NFL fans were left confused Monday night after the Raiders-Chargers contest at SoFi Stadium was delayed by lightning in the Los Angeles area. On the ESPN broadcast, Raiders coach Jon Gruden could be seen clearly standing on the sideline asking the refs “isn’t this a dome?”

It is, in fact, a dome, but portions of the upper level are open air, leading to concerns that lightning could enter the stadium (sideways, I guess?). But this isn’t the first time that the NFL has been over cautious when it comes to the safety of staff and fans. Consider:

— To ensure that senior citizen QB Tom Brady is protected from cheap shots on the field, defensive players are not allowed to sneeze in his direction or look directly at him while he is holding the ball.

— The NFL has required ESPN to label its alternate broadcast of Monday Night Football games “TV-MA” so that parents don’t accidentally let children watch Eli Manning’s dumb face.

— For fans who are easily triggered by traumatic images, the league is developing invisible uniforms to cover up the Detroit Lions’ players on the field.

— Given the recent outbreak of wildfires near several of the NFL’s West Coast stadiums, league officials adopted a new policy that says players can be substituted at any time if their uniform catches on fire.

— Per NFL rules, teams will no longer play the national anthem at the start of games and instead will sing “Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats.

— When the NFL learned of the risks of brain damage to players from concussions and repeated hits to the head, they immediately began to pretend to deal with it without making any real changes that might jeopardize their ad money.

I usually try to focus each week on the vile inner nature of the Cowboys players, how their souls have turned black and their moral center decayed. But it is worth noting from time to time that the ugliness of the team on the outside as well. Consider:

Safety Malik Hooker
** I hate my freak looks

Cowboys LB Luke Gifford
** Block words off: I be ugly

Defensive tackle Osa Odighizuwa
** Gaze, kids: I feel vacant, hideous. Ow!

When you’re watching the Cowboys next week, try to remember not to look directly at them, lest you turn to stone. Watch your TV through a mirror or wear sunglasses to be safe.

** I won two of three to Dad this week, which leaves me at three up over Dad for our picks for the year. Excluding the last three Eagles games, I’m at 41-20 so far picking the game straight up, which again makes me wonder why I don’t gamble more often.

** If we’re being honest, the league would be a lot more fun if they played “Safety Dance” at the start of each game.

** The Phillies did play October baseball this year. It was just three regular season games instead of the playoffs we hoped for. But, technically...



Week 4 standings

1 — This Is Fine (Bob), 556.62 pts
2 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 539.69 pts
3 — QB Carousel (Jo), 518.25 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 511.53 pts
5 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 496.88 pts
6 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 488.59 pts
7 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 465.67 pts
8 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 464.96 pts
9 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 458.10 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 423.89 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 398.28 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 352.61 pts

Another set of big weeks from Bob and Mike put them atop the standings, leaving Joanna’s Eagles-heavy squad a distant third. Jonathan had a 140-plus pts performance too, so he closes the gap for bragging rights among the men at Fort Awesome. I can’t help but think how much better my score would have looked if my kicker didn’t get injured a few minutes before the start of his game…

On the other end of the spectrum, Paul started three injured players and a defense that scored -3.00 pts, so I think it is fair to say he has checked out for the season already.

Good news for fantasy fans — not only do you have to worry about a relevant Thursday night contest (Rams at Seahawks) but there is also a too-early 930am contest between the Jets and Falcons in London. Jet lagged football between two of the worst squads in the league? Sign me up!

Fantasy League 2021 -- week 3 recap

It took a long wait, but finally kickers once again rule the league. Consider:

— Four teams won on last-second field goals on Sunday. That includes one from Raiders K Daniel Carlson at the end of overtime and a 51-yarder from Packers K Mason Crosby on Sunday night to seal their respective wins.

— In the Bills game against the Nameless Maryland Football Team, with his team down two TDs, Nameless K Dustin Hopkins kicked off the ball high into the air, catching a crosswind, which forced it down onto the 25-yard-line, where Hopkins caught it on a bounce for an unconventional but awesome onsides kick. The ensuing drive resulted in another TD, although Hopkins’ team would eventually lose the game.

— Just before halftime, Cardinals K Matt Prater, who hit a 62-yard FG last week, attempted a 68-yarder on Sunday. It fell just a yard short … where it was caught by Jacksonville WR Jamal “Spiro” Agnew and returned 109 yards for a touchdown. That, my friends, is why attempting ridiculously long field goals is never a good thing.

— Just before the end of the 4th quarter, with his team down 16-17, Ravens K Justin Tucker attempted a 66-yard field goal which fell just short … onto the crossbar, then bounced into the netting for a game-winning, record-setting score. Tucker broke the old record (held by Prater, see above) by two full yards and became the first NFL player to ever boot a FG from inside the opposite 45-yard line. That, my friends, is why attempting ridiculously long field goals is always a good thing.

QB: Josh Allen, 45.22 pts — started by Jonathan
WR: Mike Williams, 25.63 pts — started by Bob
RB: Ezekiel Elliott, 24.40 pts — started by Ant
TE: Dalton Schultz, 20.33 pts — on the wire
K: Chase McLaughlin, 19.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: Denver, 24.00 pts — started by Jo
D: Byron Murphy Jr., 12.50 pts — on the wire

I don’t care what the stats say, Justin Tucker was the week’s top kicker.

Jonathan and Josh Allen set the high-water mark for fantasy scoring by an individual player for the year thus far with a whopping 5 TD (1 rushing) 358 yds passing performance by the Bill QB in a romp over the Nameless Maryland Football Team. Allen is being started in 100 percent of fantasy leagues this year, according to Yahoo, while Bucs QB Tom Brady — who has already accounted for 11 TDs and is worth 20 more fantasy pts than Allen — is only started in 99 percent of leagues. I would really, really like to see the rosters for that one percent.

Meanwhile, Browns DE Myles Garrett (whom Bob started) had 4.5 sacks on Sunday and six total tackles against the Bears, but fell 0.5 pts short of making this list. So pretend like you didn’t read this paragraph.

“Tie me up” edition

2nd place: (tie) Seattle, -2.00 pts — on Bob’s bench
2nd place: (tie) Kansas City, -2.00 pts — started by Jeff
2nd place: (tie) Tampa Bay, -2.00 pts — started by Mom
2nd place: (tie) San Francisco, -2.00 pts — started by Sam
1st place: Washington, -6.00 pts — on the wire

It was a “have and have nots” performance on defense this week. We had three coaches (Joanna, Ant and Bob) start defenses worth 19.00 or more fantasy pts, and seven who started defenses worth 4.00 pts or fewer. That includes the three above, an impressive array of playoff hopeful teams who all crapped out in key matchups on Sunday.

None performed as poorly as the Nameless Maryland Football Team, however, which managed no sacks, no turnovers and no real resistance to the Bills’ offense. The squad was regarded as one of the top fantasy defenses in the league in the preseason. Now, after three games, they’re worth 3.00 pts, one point less than the winless Lions. So, that’s not working out too well.


** In its never ending quest for more, the NFL announced last week that they’ll be adding a Monday Night football game during “super wild card weekend” in January, which is what they’re calling the expanded first-round of the postseason.

 
That means instead of two games on Saturday and two more on Sunday — what it was just two years ago — the first round of the playoffs will feature two games on Saturday, three on Sunday and one late on Monday night where the winner will almost certainly have to travel across the country to face their next opponent on short rest.

 
However, the resulting garbage match-up a week later is a small price to pay for MORE FOOTBALL on MORE NIGHTS with MORE COMMERCIALS.

The NFL — we don’t care if you want to sleep, we’ll make you watch until midnight on a school night if it means a few more bucks.

** From the Washington Post on Monday: “Tampa Bay quarterback Tom Brady has joined Drew Brees in the 80,000-yard passing club — something no other QB has done.”

Well, I mean, one other quarterback has done it, and it’s Drew Brees. But, yes, Tom Brady is the first to be the second QB to reach that mark.

Look, we’re heading into a Sunday Night game next week where Brady travels back to New England to face the Patriots for the first time and we hear 19,000 times how many records he set in New England and how great everything was and how we all wish that Boston could get more championships. 

But maybe, just maybe, in the middle of all that hype, the sports media world can take a deep breath and remember that Brady doesn’t hold every record in football, and sometimes other players count too.

And then they can talk about how Brady is the first QB ever to beat his former team after winning six Super Bowls with them.

** Watching the Sunday Night Football game, Joanna looked up just in time to see the USAA commercial where Bucs TE Rob Grownkowski is “busted” for trying to impersonate a service member to become a customer. Here was her immediate reaction:

 
“That’s dumb. So he’s advertising a product he can’t use, and that’s supposed to get me to buy it? Although telling me that Rob Gronkowski isn’t allowed to do business with you does make me want to support you…”

Long story short, I think the “stupidest thing” section of this blog has started to erode our whole family’s well-being, and I will have to evaluate its use in future weeks carefully.

It’s not too early to start looking ahead at the NFL’s Halloween weekend slate and the scariest possible game on the schedule: The 1-6 Eagles traveling to face the 0-7 Lions.

Following Monday night’s drubbing, the Eagles sit at 1-2 with upcoming games against the Chiefs (played in the Super Bowl last year), the Panthers (3-0 so far), the Bucs (won the Super Bowl last year) and the Raiders (3-0 so far). They’re likely to be 6-point-plus underdogs in each contest.

The Lions have a softer schedule — the Bears, Vikings and Bengals all could be wins, but the Rams will be a loss — but after losing to the Ravens on Tucker’s 66-yard field goal on Sunday, it’s hard to think this team is not cursed.

So, if the two teams meet on Oct. 31 with only one win between them, it could be the least watchable Eagles game since 1968, when the 0-6 birds faced off against the 0-6 Steelers. And that game did not disappoint: The Eagles jumped out to a 3-0 lead in the second quarter but lost 6-3 after two fourth quarter field goals by Pittsburgh. The two teams combined for 20 penalties and 240 penalty yards, along with three turnovers.

Dream big, kids. The possibility is just one month more of losses away.


Let's pretend like tha Monday game never happened and look at some other news -- This week, it was announced that Cowboys RT La'el Collins is facing suspension from the NFL not for failing a drug test as previously thought, but for trying to bribe officials to get him out of a drug test. Collins, who was already on injured reserve, denies the charges, but is it any surprise given what his name clearly spells out?

Suspended right tackle La'el Collins 

 ** Catcall: I like stolen drugs. Send help.

You may remember back in 2015 when I pointed out that “OG La'el Collins” anagrams to “illegal colons” but did you know that “La'el Collins” also anagrams simply to “I sell all con”? Anyway, like most Cowboys, he should probably be in prison already.

** I got to pair my 2020 Fantasy Football league trophy in my paid league with a 2021 Fantasy Baseball championship trophy this weekend. A few more payouts like this and I’ll be able to hire someone to write these recaps for me.

** Keeping the good sports karma going, I swept Dad in our weekly picks, jumping from one down on the year to plus-2 against him. It should have been plus-3, but I didn’t have the guts to pick the Bengals upset of the Steelers that I saw coming. Maybe next week I’ll be braver.

** The Delaware Blue Hens take on the Albany Great Danes on Saturday. Just felt like you should know.

** FYI one of my other fantasy team names is “Yippie Kay Aye, Justin Tucker” and would you believe I did not get a chance to draft him?


Week 3 standings

1 — QB Carousel (Jo), 416.74 pts
2 — This Is Fine (Bob), 412.64 pts
3 — Murder Hornets (Mike), 391.91 pts
4 — Ouch! It Hurts (Mom D), 374.37 pts
5 — Came and Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 370.96 pts
6 — Patriots Secret Cam (Joel), 370.75 pts
7 — Not That Four Seasons (Ant), 346.50 pts
8 — Honey Bunches of Goats (Jonathan), 345.36 pts
9 — Kneel Armstrong (Sam), 339.45 pts
10 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 319.23 pts
11 — It's All Hurts (Dad), 294.77 pts
12 — Clever Team Name (Paul), 284.42 pts

That late garbage-time TD by Jalen Hurts to Greg Ward gave Jo just enough points to hold onto first for another week, but Bob (our top team of the week) and Mike remain close at her heels. Mom D continues her amazing climb from last place to the top four, and Anthony managed to pay attention to football long enough this week to jump up from the bottom of the charts to just 1.2 pts ahead of Jonathan. Way to pick on a kid.

Everybody else got a participation medal this week.

Don’t forget to set your rosters for this week’s exciting Thursday night game, which is … Jaguars at Bengals? Dear gawd, what the hell did you people do to deserve this? Did one of you give puppy blood to Jerry Jones as an offering or something? Who wants to watch either of these teams?

The NFL — more football is better, no matter what.