** After pregame complaints about the weight, Brady swapped out his normally under-inflated footballs with helium filled ones.
** Brady kept turning up his hearing aid when listening into the opposing defense’s audio feed to steal plays.
** The confused QB kept asking where inured WR Julian Edelman was, and the coaching staff confirmed they weren’t covering up a concussion this time.
** Brady was seen on the sidelines chewing multivitamins and pep pills instead of his normal batch of steroids.
** He had his 40th birthday last month. That probably should have tipped some sportswriters off that he’s getting old.
For what it’s worth, Brady is dead last among QBs in completion percentage at this point in the season, and the Patriots are in last place. Hopefully that can hold up past the next five days.
QB: Alex Smith, 39.02 pts — on Bob’s bench WR: Stefon Diggs, 21.10 pts — started by Ant
RB: Kareem Hunt, 39.83 pts — started by Joel
TE: Jesse James, 17.73 pts — on the wire
K: Giorgio Tavecchio, 19.00 pts — on the wire
DEF: LA Rams, 34.00 pts — on the wire
D: Dante Fowler, 13.50 pts — on the wire
Strong start from the 22nd drafted QB in our league, who threw more TDs (4) this week than Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Matt Ryan, Tom Brady, Russell Wilson and Eli Manning combined. Now, I’m not predicting that Smith will amount to a top 10 fantasy QB this year, but I am saying drafting a QB early is a bad move.
Big props to the Oakland Raiders, who lost K Sebastian Janikowski to injury this week but managed to replace him with the top kicker of the week and someone whose name is even worse to spell.
By the way, the Eagles defense — which recorded four turnovers, four sacks and a TD — was only the fourth-best defense of the week (24 pts, behind the Rams, Jags and Ravens). Tough week to be on offense out there.
“Opening week” edition
3rd place: New England, -1.00 pts — started by Dad
2nd place: Tom Savage, -1.52 pts — on the wire
1st place: Andy Dalton, -3.00 pts — on Jim’s bench
Bengals QB Andy Dalton opens with a strong five-turnover performance this week, adding a lost fumble to four interceptions. His QB rating on the day (16 of 31, 170 yds, zero TDs) was a whopping 28.4, which was 11 points worse than the 39.6 rating you achieved sitting on your couch on Sunday (0 of 1, zero yds, zero TDs or INTs). That takes some work. Some very, very bad work.
No defense in the league gave up more points this weekend than the defending Super Bowl champs, playing at home to boot. But, knowing how the NFL works, they still probably have a chance to go 16-0.
** NFL on ESPN ads for this week: “Think there can’t be a must-win in week 2? Think again. Giants vs. Lions, next Monday!”
The Lions won on Sunday. Their week 2 game is not a must-win in any way.
The Giants lost on Sunday night. If they fall to 0-2, then … they’d probably need to go 9-5 to have a shot at the playoffs. And that’s not ridiculous. So, also not a must-win.
I think maybe ESPN confused “must-win” and “please-watch” again.
** Listening to the Green Bay home radio broadcast, I was confused by the color commentator’s insistence of referring to Aaron Rodgers as “A-Rod.” Hey, here’s a great idea: Let’s take one of the league’s most popular players and repeatedly call him the the nickname of a wildly unpopular steroid user! Who won’t love that?
Unrelated, I’m gonna refer to Odell Beckham Jr. as “OJ” from now on, since I’m pretty sure no one has any negative feelings about that nickname.
** Michael Wilbon on the Tony Kornheiser show this week said after the Bears’ week 1 loss, “the best they can start this month is 0-4.”
This was not a slip. When he was asked how they could do worse, he repeated that 0-4 was his “BEST-case” scenario. And watching the Bears last year, that may be right.
Sunday’s opener was an exciting win for the Eagles, but it did come at a heavy cost. Here’s a look at some of the key injuries from the game, and what it means for the team going ahead:
** CB Ronald Darby: Suffered a dislocated his ankle in the second quarter. Initial diagnosis says he’ll be out 4-6 weeks, which will put strain on the secondary.
** K Caleb Sturgis: Sustained a hip flexor tear in the fourth quarter. This could be a major problem for the team, even if he misses just a few games. They’ll bring in new kickers for tryouts this week.
** WR Alshon Jeffery: Team authorities initially feared he was lost for the season, but it turned out the $10-million receiver had just disappeared from the playbook. He finished the game with three catches. No word yet on his availability/relevance next week.
** R Brad Allen: Declared legally blind late in the game after calling this play a fumble. He is seeking optometrist advice in Philly this week, where he will also receive a key to the city.
** QB Carson Wentz: Sustained a neck strain after willing WR Nelson Agholor back into relevance through sheer force of will. He is expected to recover by next week.
In Sunday night’s snoozefest of a game, longtime Cowboys TE Jason Witten caught an 11-yard pass which made him the franchise’s all-time receiving yards leader, passing WR Michael Irvin. Irvin, as you may remember, is one of the most despicable characters in human history, because of his vacant soul and cannibalistic tendencies. It’s right there in his name: Dallas wideout Michael Irvin
** Dull aims: I avow I eat children
But what you may not know is that in order to set any kind of record with the Dallas franchise, you have to aspire to a deeper level of evil than most men could imagine. So it should come as no surprise that Witten would one day surpass Irvin, given what the letters in his name clearly spell out:
Dallas Cowboys tight end Christopher Jason Witten
** Why jest, colt snobs? I eat children too. With grandpas.
A few additional observations:
— Not only does he eat people, but “Jason” has been lying to us about his real name for years.
— “Colt snob” is either slang for cowboys or illegal horse cooks. Either way...
— Eating grandpas seems excessive and also unnecessarily chewy.
— I’m pretty confident given enough time, you can spell out “eats children” with any Cowboys player name ever.
** I went 2-1 against Dad in our opening week, with my only mistake coming when I forgot to back out of the Giants upsetting the Cowboys after Odell “OJ” Beckham was ruled out. In fairness, I was trying to forget the game was happening, given there was no good outcome.** Congrats to Ohio State on finishing their season early this year by losing in game two and generally looking awful. At least now the players have all fall to study for those winter finals.
** If you haven’t seen it yet, do yourself a favor and read this piece on how Louisiana Tech faced a 3rd and 93 over the weekend. It is spectacular.
** From Yahoo Sports writer Dan Wetzel: Ben Roethlisberger is 11-2 as a starter in Cleveland since the team “returned” there in 1999. That’s the most wins of any QB … including those who played for the Browns.
News flash: Cleveland is not good at the football.
Week 1 standings 1 -- Foles me Wentz (Capt. Awesome), 145.40 pts
2 -- Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 124.99 pts
3 -- For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 112.36 pts
4 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 100.23 pts
5 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 91.60 pts
6 -- Foles v. Sproles (Joanner), 88.78 pts
7 -- Animal Crackers (Mom Doyle), 85.72 pts
8 -- Dat CTE Lyfe (Sam), 84.80 pts
9 -- Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 78.83 pts
10 -- ThePigskin Predators (Dad), 75.06 pts
11 -- Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 71.34 pts
12 -- No Hands! (Paul), 70.37 pts
Welcome back to fantasy football! And what a glorious return it is.
Big weeks by Eagles Sam Bradford (former), LeSean McCoy (former), Zach Ertz (current) and the Philly defense (current) shot me to the top of the standings this week, where I intend to stay for the rest of the season. Have fun down there in loserville, everybody else.
Joel’s title defense produced an impressive points total too, although he probably could have done better if he started a QB (on a bye) and a K (injured) and a defensive player (one was suspended, one inactive). But maybe his bold strategy will pay off later in the season.
Paul and Bob start off this year where they ended last year, with lots of bad luck. Bob lost two starters for the season in week 1, while Paul’s team just never really showed up.
Only 16 weeks left to get it right, folks. The quest for the Awesome Cup will be over before you know it.
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