Fantasy league 2017 -- week 2 recap

Sometimes football teams are unlucky, and sometimes it seems like the football gods are going out of their way to punish certain fans:

** The Bengals opened with two home games this year and failed to score a TD in either one. It’s the first time in 78 years that a team has gone end-zone-less after back-to-back home openers, and the first time in 68 years that a team hasn’t managed to crack double-digit points back-to-back home games to start the season (they lost 20-0 and 13-9 so far). Next week the play the Packers in Wisconsin, where maybe they have a chance of getting over the goal line.

** The San Angeles Chargers (or is it Los Diego?) lost 19-17 on Sunday when their kicker missed a 44-yard FG attempt in the final seconds of the game. It’s the second week in a row they missed a last-minute kick that would have at least tied the score. But worse than that, it’s the team’s seventh straight defeat in games decided by seven or fewer points. In fact, 27 of the Chargers last 34 games have been decided by eight points or less, and they’re 7-20 in those contests.

** The Miami won that game against the Chargers, in a contest that was their 2017 opener because their game last weekend was washed out by Hurricane Irma. So instead of starting the season in Florida in week one, their first home game won’t take place until week 4 against the Saints … in London. Last year the NFL picked the Dolphins to be their victim … um … lucky recipient of an overseas game this year. So thanks to those odd circumstances, apathetic English soccer lovers will get to see the revamped Miami offense before anyone in Florida does.

** After their loss this week, the Cleveland Browns are 4-30 since the start of 2015 and 38-108 since the start of 2008. Since 1990, they’ve had three winning seasons. That’s … just awful.

QB: Tom Brady, 36.78 pts — started by Mom D
WR: Michael Crabtree, 26.33 pts — started by Ant
RB: CJ Anderson, 27.70 pts — on Jim’s bench
TE: Jason Witten, 17.47 pts — on Mom D’s bench
K: Chris Boswell, 16.00 pts — started by Joel
DEF: Tampa Bay, 21.00 pts — on the wire
D: Chris Jones, 14.50 pts — on the wire

Don’t week for Mom’s squad. Instead of starting the top TE, she started the #3 TE (Rob Gronkowski, 16.73 pts). But go ahead and weep for Jim, who lost 25 pts starting RB Adrian Peterson over Anderson.

Also, Crabtree’s fantasy total seems low for someone who caught three TDs this week. But, two of them were catches for under two yards. Oakland must really hate their RBs.


“Getting defensive” edition

3rd place: Jacksonville, -3.00 pts — on the wire
2nd place: New Orleans, -4.00 pts — on the wire
1st place: NY Jets, -6.00 pts — on the wire

It only took two weeks, but we already had one defense bottom out. The New Jersey Jets surrendered 45 pts on Sunday and recorded no sacks, no turnovers, and no signs of life. But they’re not the worst defense on the year yet. That honor goes to the Saints, who followed up last week’s zero-pts defensive performance with a -4 this week. Both teams are on pace to give up more than 500 pts this season. Should be a fun race to see who is worse.


** I listened into enemy territory this weekend and caught the Cowboys radio broadcast of their overwhelming defeat at the hands of the Broncos. In the second quarter, a Dallas d-lineman sacked Broncos QB Trevor Siemian, forced a fumble, ran with it, then fumbled as he was tackled. Another Dallas player grabbed the ball and ran it in for a touchdown, but the replays showed that the D-lineman was down before he fumbled.

As the refs sorted out the whole thing, Cowboys color commentator Babe Laufenberg gasped in exasperation:

“Wow,” he said. “A lot happened there. I don’t know if I can explain that to our listeners.”

OK, then you’re fired. That’s the definition of your job. It was a complicated play, but you get paid a lot of money to lay out those details concisely for those of us who weren’t there. Hell, I wasn’t there, and I did it in less than 50 words. For free.

In his defense, Laufenberg has only been part of the broadcast crew for 21 years, so he’s still pretty new on this radio stuff.

** There’s a new CBS Sports Channel show titled “We Have to Talk” which I think is supposed to be a playful invite but reads more accurately as an psychoanalysis of the state of TV sports journalism today. As is, ohmigawd, we can’t stop talking even when there is nothing new to say, please help us.

** 7-Eleven has a new promotion in select cities where they have pictures of NFL stars on their drink cups. Their tag line: “Grab a Big Gulp and throw a Hail Mary to your taste buds!”

Just so we’re clear, that translates to “If you are thirsty, drink this and maybe there is a one in a million chance it will taste good.”

 ** Hey, did anybody else notice that the Eagles had a touchdown that took a looooong review by the refs to uphold in each of the first two games? In game one it was the controversial fumble, in game two it was an obvious TD by WR Alshon Jeffery that was initially called down at the one-yard line. Any reason the Eagles are getting extra-special time with the refs already?

** Hey, did anybody else notice that weird weather delay in Denver this weekend that happened just after the Cowboys fell behind on the scoreboard? And that after the hour delay, Dallas got a key turnover pretty quickly and tied up the game? It didn’t matter in the end, but that sure seemed like a strange way to handle things…

** Hey, did you notice how great Tom Brady looked this week? And just 10 days after he looked old and slow in the opener. Quite a turnaround in a short timeframe. Hey, did you also know that there are several strength-building steroids that take less than two weeks to produce results? Why did I bring it up here? No reason.

** Hey, remember how earlier this week Odell Beckham said he might be out for two more months? And then he played on Monday night. That’s another really quick health turnaround. He must have some great doctors on that team. I mean really great, creative, well-connected doctors.

** Hey, remember how Jason Witten retired five years ago and died two years ago from old age? And yet he’s still playing today. And healthy as Brady or Beckham. Boy, these guys have great genes.

A new season means a new crop of damned souls to the Cowboys team, and where better to start with our weekly anagrams then their first round draft pick. When the Dallas front office selected DE Taco Charlton with their top pick, they could see the evil barely hidden inside his … wait, hold up a second.

Taco? Like, really? That’s the freshest option for playing around in crazy phrases and names? The dude named after a 99-cent fast food?

Alright, if that’s how it’s gonna be, let’s do this.

Defensive end Taco Charlton
** Evil decadence, thorn to fans
** I have no friends, decent coat
** Confederate devil chants, son
** Draftee cad vents loon niche
** Hated con: I can end leftovers

I gotta be honest, I don’t think any of those anagrams made his name weirder.

** The Phillies only needs to go 4-8 in their last 12 games to avoid 100 losses on the season. Amazingly, they’re only six games under .500 at home. Not amazingly, they’re 25 games under .500 on the road.

** Delaware football is 2-1. Just saying.

** There’s an outside chance that eight teams could end up tied for the last AL wild card spot in baseball this season. Just saying.

** I went 2-1 against Dad again this week, putting me up two games after two weeks. But he gets props for picking the Cowboys over the Broncos in a game I thought would be close. In fairness, he only picked Denver because he thinks John Elway may still be playing.

Week 2 standings

1 — Gronky Tonk Man (Joel), 259.90 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant), 238.50 pts
3 — Foles me Wentz, (Capt Awesome), 228.01 pts
4 — Cosby's Sleepers (Mike), 199.51 pts
5 — Animal Crackers (Mom D), 197.76 pts
6 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff), 197.55 pts
7 — Foles v. Sproles (Jo), 195.04 pts
8 — ThePigskin Predators (Dad), 194.18 pts
9 — No Hands! (Paul), 179.82 pts
10 — Dat CTE Lyfe (Sam), 177.59 pts
11 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob), 165.48 pts
12 — Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim), 157.21 pts

Like I say all the time, a fast start in week 1 guarantees you nothing over the course of a cruel, cruel fantasy season. Another good week for our reigning Awesome Cup champion moves him back into first place, and a particularly bad week for me moves me back down into bronze medal position.

The difference between fourth and eighth place is less than six points, and the distance between 10th and fourth place is just one big Tom Brady game. And then there is Jim’s team.

The NFL follows up its exciting Bengals/Texans tilt last Thursday with a Rams/Niners game this Thursday, because the NFL hates you. And there’s an early Ravens/Jaguars game in London on Sunday, because, again, the NFL hates you. Don’t forget to set your rosters.