** Nov. 8, 1970: Tom Dempsey, 63 yards
The gold standard. This kick not only won the game for the New Orleans Saints, it also set the mark as the longest FG in NFL history for 43 years.
** Oct. 22, 2006: Matt Bryant, 62 yards
Eagles QB Donovan McNabb threw five TD passes that day against the Bucs, but two of them went to Tampa Bay cornerbacks. With 33 seconds left and down by one, the Bucs drove into FG territory (sorta) to steal the game.
** Dec. 3, 2006: Rob Bironas, 60 yards
Six weeks after Bryant kicked the second 60-plus FG to win a game in NFL history, Bironas kicked the third. The play gave Vince Young a victory over Peyton Manning, which is a disturbing phrase to type out.
** Dec. 16, 2013: Justin Tucker, 61 yards
Tucker’s long boot with 43 seconds left was his sixth of the day, giving the Ravens an 18-16 win over the Lions. Presumably, he was given the game ball.
** Sept. 24, 2017: Jake Elliott, 61 yards
Elliott missed a 52-yarder earlier in the game and a 30-yarder the previous week, in his first NFL game. So naturally his attempt from 61 yards sailed just barely through the uprights, breaking a tie with the Giants.
That’s it, kids. Only five late 60-plus-yards field goals to win a game in football’s thousands of games, and the Eagles were involved in two of them. At least they’re 1-1 in those contests now.
FYI, apparently that FG cost Carson Wentz more than $30,000…
QB:Tom Brady, 45.72 pts — started by Mom D WR: Stefon Diggs, 27.53 pts — started by Joanner
RB: Todd Gurley, 34.20 pts — started by Mike
TE: Marcedes Lewis, 24.13 pts — on the wire
K: (tie) Stephen Hauschka, 19.00 pts — started by Jeff
K: (tie) Matt Prater, 19.00 pts — started by Jim
DEF: New York Jets, 17.00 pts — on the wire
D: Jadeveon Clowney, 15.00 pts — on the wire
Second week in a row that cheating Tom tops the top performers list, so, yeah, those drugs are working well.
The top five defenses this week were all on the waiver wire, but none were more shocking than the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets. For the season, they’re worth 16 points, meaning they cam into this week worth -1.00 pts in the first two games. Their ascendance this week moved them all the way up to 25th place in the yearly standings, leaving the last place spot to … the New England Patriots, who have surrendered 89 pts and produced just three turnovers in their first three games. But, hey, Brady.
“Bad passers” edition
3rd place: Chad Henne, -0.30 pts — on the wire
2nd place: Eli Rogers, -1.70 pts — on the wire
1st place: Joe Flacco, -2.88 pts — on Dad’s bench
Oh no, Joe. In the biggest upset of the week, the Ravens tanked in their London game against the Jaguars in large part thanks to an awful, awful show from the Flacco. He completed 8 of 18 passes for 28 yards, no TDs and two interceptions, a QB rating of 12.0. That’s less than a third of the 36.6 QB rating you recorded by dropping the remote off your couch on Sunday (1 attempt, no yds, TDs or INTs). Any time you’re upstaged by Blake Bortles in a game, you know you done wrong.
** I never thought I’d be writing that the president of the United States had the stupidest sports comment of a week, but here we are. I guess this is what happens when there’s nothing else major going on with the country.
** Up 37-0 in the third quarter of the London crapfest game on Sunday, the Jaguars faced sent out their punt team on a 4th and one at their own 35 yard line … then called a fake which went for 58 yards. The series ended in another TD, giving them a 44-0 lead.
Great, judicious use of the trick play there, guys. Without it, you never would have covered that 40-point spread. I just hope you can still surprise folks with the fake when you’re in a real game situation.
** The sports headline on CNN.com Sunday night read: “Eagles' 61-yard buzzer-beating TD stuns 0-3 Giants.” Which, granted, is close, but those two letters make a heck of a difference to fantasy football players.
** The San Francisco 49ers charge fans $10 for dirty water … also known as Bud Light.
** The Tennessee Titans make their fans pay upwards of $80 for jerseys with pictures of flaming thumbtacks on them.
** The Carolina Panthers are refusing to sell concussions to their fans, even though their offensive line is handing them to QB Cam Newton for free.
** The New York Giants are selling leftover eclipse glasses for $7 a pop for fans who can no longer stomach the sight of QB Eli Manning.
** The Cleveland Browns are charging more than $100 for some seats to their games.
What do the Cowboys players do when they aren’t playing football? They’re in jail, of course. No, I don’t mean they all end up convicted criminals (although all of them are guilty of crimes against humanity. But they all love to hang around prisons and work there, because they share the same values as those crooked individuals. Don’t believe me? Look at what the names of all these young Dallas players clearly spell out:
Jourdan Lewis
-- We do run jails.
Jameill Showers
-- Helms worse jail.
Blake Jarwin
-- New jail bark.
Jaylon Smith
-- No myth. Jails.
In fact, Cowboys Stadium is a lot like a prison, in that it contains a few good people watching in disgust as some of the worst segments of society are gathered together in a single place. Maybe Jerry Jones can get a Department of Justice grant for improvements there.
** Another week, another 2-1 finish against Dad in our weekly picks. That puts me up a FG after three weeks, and on pace to finish the season 17-0 against him. After three weeks, I’m at 26-21, which isn’t great. But it’s a long season, with plenty of time for course correction.** The Phillies have to win one of their last five games to avoid 100 losses. Sports Illustrated actually rated them the 28th best team out of 30 this week, so, progress maybe?
** Best reaction to the NFL protests this week? After the Cowboys took a knee as a team, comedian Michael Ian Black hit it on the head: “Jerry Jones taking a knee. Please Lord, don't make me like Jerry Jones even for a second.”
Week 3 standings 1 — Gronky Tonk Man (Joel) — 373.71 pts
2 — For Who? For Wentz? (Ant) — 369.20 pts
3 — Animal Crackers (Mom D) — 333.26 pts
4 — Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) — 326.55 pts
5 — Foles me Wentz (Capt. Awesome) — 323.96 pts
6 — ThePigskin Predators (Dad) — 307.08 pts
7 — Foles v. Sproles (Jo) — 305.81 pts
8 — Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) — 295.89 pts
9 — Dat CTE Lyfe (Sam) — 295.73 pts
10 — Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim) — 291.48 pts
11 — SmartyPants on Fire (Paul) — 269.11 pts
12 — Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob) — 235.87 pts
Mom D continues her slow move up the standings, jumping two spots for the second week in a row and moving into podium-stand position. And I’m headed in the opposite direction, dropping two spots for the second week in a row. On the plus side, I’m still ahead of Dad.
Remember there’s another Sunday morning England game this week, and another Thursday game, and another DC Racial Slurs prime time game. Because the NFL hates you.
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