Fantasy league 2017 -- draft recap

The fantasy draft is finished, the season starts on Thursday, and sadly your fate is already sealed. Here’s how the season will play out this year, based on my alway accurate pre-season predictions:

The Pigskin Predators (Dad)
Yahoo projected finish: 2056.65 pts (1st place)
Real projected finish: 1563.22 pts (12th place)
Yahoo says Dad had the best draft of any team, so I’m picking him to finish last because Yahoo’s predictions are awful. Plus, no team that drafts a QB in the first round ever wins the championship. Dad’s starting lineup features two RBs (Fournette and Hyde) whose teams may win five games combined, and his top two wideouts (Bryant and Lockett) aren’t the #1 pass catchers on their own teams. And he drafted two kickers. The whole thing just feels wrong. But yeah, Yahoo, he got Aaron Rodgers, so I guess the whole draft was a success.

Animal Crackers (Mom Doyle)
Yahoo projected finish: 1850.11 pts (9th place)
Real projected finish: 1755.05 pts (11th place)
I don’t know if Mom’s team is any good. I just know I’ll be rooting against her for a lot of the year. She drafted three Patriots (Brady, Gronk and Gostkicksi), two DC players (Kelley and Dunbar), former Eagles malcontent DeSean Jackson, and Eagles RB LeGarrette Blount, who will probably be benched by week 3. I like WR Larry Fitzgerald. I guess I won’t be rooting for him to be deported to Alaska.

No Hands! (Paul)
Yahoo projected finish: 1865.58 pts (8th place)
Real projected finish: 1800.01 pts (10th place)
Paul picked the wrong time to change his team’s name from “I heart WRs.” He drafted four quality wideouts (J. Jones, Cooks, Bryant and T. Hill) and zero starting RBs. In fact, QB Russell Wilson could end up with more rushing yds on the year than Tevin Coleman, Derrick Henry, Jeremy Hill and James White. “No Feet!” might be a better nickname.

Tiny Trump Gloves (Jim)
Yahoo projected finish: 1898.71 pts (4th place)
Real projected finish: 1842.88 pts (9th place)
Eh. Maybe Marcus Mariota will be a top-end fantasy QB this year. Maybe WRs Baldwin and Davante Adams can repeat as big point scorers. Maybe 150-year-old Adrian Peterson can return to 2009 form. Maybe drafting two suspended RBs (Elliott and Martin) will pay off in a few weeks. Maybe Jack Doyle is an NFL TE and not someone I just made up. Lots of maybes. Not a lot of hell yeahs.

Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
Yahoo projected finish: 1878.25 (7th place)
Real projected finish: 1868.58 pts (8th place)
I’m gonna need Jeff’s team to do better than this, because it’s pretty much the same team I drafted in one of my pay leagues this year. So, while I’m positive Big Ben, Dalvin Cook, Martellus Bennett and Maclin will all be great, the rest of the team looks like a hot mess to me. And anytime you let Odell Beckham into your party, you’re asking for trouble. Also, Eli Manning’s presence as always equals negative pts.

Not with that Attitude (Sam)
Yahoo projected finish: 1810.55 pts (12th place)
Real projected finish: 1871.53 pts (7th place)
I’m not sure why Yahoo is hating on Sam so much, other than the fact that nearly all the players on his team toiled with lousy squads last year. Only four of the 17 players he drafted made the playoffs last year, and only two — NE’s backup WR Chris Hogan and Hotlanta little-used TE Austin Hooper — won a playoff round. But I’m sure that won’t be the case this year. All those Bills and Jets and Jaguars are on the rise, I can feel it.

Foles v. Sproles (Joanner)
Yahoo projected finish: 1958.17 pts (3rd place)
Real projected finish: 1901.07 pts (6th place)
All the pieces look like they’re here — Matt Ryan, AJ Green, Terrell Pryor, Devonta Freeman, Seattle D — but I just can’t believe in any team that employs Eddie Lacy. That dude has burned me way too many times. On the plus side, Joanna did name her team after Sproles and then go out and draft him. That’s dedication and good coaching. That’s the kind of move that could help her squad overachieve.

Last Exit 2 Kutztown (Bob)
Yahoo projected finish: 1885.73 pts (5th place)
Real projected finish: 1985.73 pts (5th place)
Finally, Yahoo picked one right. Bob’s team has the best RB in the game (David Johnson), two solid WRs (Hilton and Cooper), a solid QB (Carr), a world-class TE (Eifart) with a world-class pun name (pronounced “I-fart) … and a host of injured people. Like, a lot of them. Spencer Ware is out for three weeks. Latavius Murray sprained a leg trying to spell his first name. Cameron Meredith is dead. Alex Smith just broke his arm. Oh, wait, that’s just how he throws? My apologies.

Gronky Tonk Man (Joel)
Yahoo projected finish: 1810.99 pts (11th place)
Real projected finish: 1987.65 pts (4th place)
The defending Awesome Cup champion trots out a good lineup, but not a great one. Gordon, McCaffery and Hunt are a formidable starting RB corps. Jordy Nelson is a great wideout. And the rest of his team are professional football players currently on NFL rosters (expect his two defensive player picks, they’re both out). So that’s a plus. Maybe Joel can upend expectations again and become on the second back-to-back Awesome Cup champion in league history? Or maybe he can drift back down the standings this year, content with his 2016 achievements.

Foles me Wentz (Capt. Awesome)
Yahoo projected finish: 1831.36 pts (10th place)
Real projected finish: 2033.33 pts (3rd place) 
Now this is a good looking team. Three top 15 RBs (McCoy, Howard and Miller), three top flight WRs (Allen, Landry and Tate) and Zach Etrz bringing me sneaky TE points. The only glaring flaw on my team is at QB, where my tandem of Andrew Luck (current status: dead) and Jay Cutler (current status: apathetic) are … less than optimal. But no matter. If the Giants can win two Super Bowls with dopey Eli at the helm. I can make this work.

Cosby’s Sleepers (Mike)
Yahoo projected finish: 1885.58 pts (6th place)
Projected finish: 2034.03 pts (2nd place)
No one has a better RB corps than Mike: Ajayi, Gurley, Lynch, Forte. Nobody has a better TE corps: Olson and Reed. Nobody has a better QB tandem: Newton and Stafford. And nobody has a worse WR corps. Seriously. Willie Snead is suspended for three games. Donte Moncrief may be dead. Torrey Smith, the fifth receiving option on the Eagles, is the third WR on his team. That ain’t good. I hate wideouts as much as the next guy, but you need one or two to win the league.

For Who? For Wentz (Ant)
Yahoo projected finish: 2038.17 pts (2nd place)
Real projected finish: 2115.51 pts (1st place)
Everything about Ant’s team looks sneaky good (except for his recycled name). Brees racking up pts at QB? Jeffery and Crabtree and Bell all catching TDs? Big-ticket sleepers in Diggs and Gillislee. This team feels like it’s a winner. So, congrats to Anthony in finishing in last place now that I’ve delivered the kiss of death to his squad.

Best of luck to all of you in the season ahead, even though most of you have already lost. Try to have fun anyway. Remember the first game is Thursday night, because the NFL hates you and has no respect for your scehdule.