Fantasy league 2015 -- week 11 recap

 

I got a chance to catch the Eagles game in person courtesy of our unofficial 13th league coach, G (who hates fantasy but reads this recap religiously). The 45-17 drubbing was dreadful, but the company was spectacular. Here are the top five moments of the last six minutes of the game, where G’s reaction was priceless entertainment, albeit because his soul was collapsing:

** The field goal: Down 38-14, with 5:15 left in the game, the Eagles were faced with a 4th and 7 at the 25 yard line. Chip Kelly opted for a 42-yard field goal. G screamed. “Why would you do that!” Then he added, in a much calmer tone, “although, Caleb Sturgis does need practice.”

** The timeouts: On the ensuing series, the Bucs ran three running plays, with and Eagles timeout after each one. “Just let us go already,” G pleaded. “What do you think you’re going to accomplish? Even Tampa wants to leave.”

** The pick six: On the next series, with four minutes left, Bucs LB Lavonte David snagged a lazy swing pass from Mark Sanchez and returned it for a TD. G barely looked up. “I mean, I got nothing for that,” he muttered.

** The punt: The Eagles got the ensuing kickoff, took the ball down to midfield, then punted on 4th and four. “Because you want them to kneel closer to the end zone?” Chris asked. “Maybe they just want to make them run farther to get to the locker room.”

** The final whistle: As time expired, G stood up, looked across the aisle, and found a five-year-old boy getting ready to leave. “Look at how cute that kid is,” he said. Then he turned toward the field. “HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO THIS CUTE KID?!?”

QB: Cam Newton, 41.44 pts -- started by Jo
WR: DeAndre Hopkins, 22.37 pts -- started by Sam
RB: Thomas Rawls, 37.47 pts -- on the wire
TE: Kyle Rudolph, 16.07 pts -- started by Bob
K: Mason Crosby, 22.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF: Kansas City, 23.00 pts -- on the wire
D: D'Qwell Jackson, 15.50 pts -- on the wire

Getting closer, I guess. At least no one left a top performer on their bench.

Not on the list: Tampa Bay’s QB Jameis Winston, who threw five touchdowns in Philly on Sunday, and Tampa Bay’s RB Doug Martin, who ran for 235 yards on Sunday. Not bad for a team that had lost 14 of its previous 20 games.


“Mike” edition

3rd place: Blair Walsh, 1.00 pts -- started by Mike
2nd place: Matt Jones, -0.20 pts -- started by Mike
1st place: Philadelphia, -3.00 pts -- started by Mike

Not to pick on Mike (OK, to pick on Mike a little) but he had the misfortune of starting the only defense in the NFL this week that scored negative points, and one of two running backs in the league that scored under zero. But on the plus side for him, that Philly D gave up 235 rushing yards to his other RB, Doug Martin, so it kind of evens out.


** At the start of the Ohio State game, the announcers on ESPN radio said that since Michigan State’s starting QB was out, “The Spartans are going to have to dominate in the trenches on offense and defense.”

Because, you know, if your starting QB is in, you don’t have to worry about protecting him or sacking the other QB.

** Near the end of the Monday Night Football game, ESPN’s two announcers had this exchange:

Mike Tirico: John, do you love football?
John Gruden: I do!
Tirico: Well, we’re gonna test that. Ravens vs. Browns, next Monday night on ESPN!

I might have to start giving out a weekly award for brutal honesty in commentary.

** The Patriots would have homefield advantage throughout the AFC bracket. The Panthers would have it in the NFC.
** The Giants, Colts and Chiefs would both be in the post-season, despite .500 records.
** The Packers would lose about $6 million in revenue due to the loss of three home games.
** The Pac 12 would have to cancel its championship game to allow for the Super Bowl site to be prepped six weeks earlier than planned.
** Injuries would skyrocket for the first-round teams who had to play games just two days ago.
** The Super Bowl would be played on Jan. 2, in direct conflict with college football playoff games.
** The NFL would lose millions in rushed playoff ticket sales, and play games before half-filled stadiums due to the inability to mail enough paperwork out.
** New England would still cheat, probably.


Dallas has had a steady rotation of different running backs this season, each one bringing a slightly different brand of poisonous hatred to the field. First-year player Rod Smith has only rushed the ball twice on season, but that lack of activity disguises the intense evil he hides. Consider what’s hidden in his name:

Dallas Rookie RB Rod Smith
** Roll more bad riots, kids. Ha!

It’s bad enough to incite mob violence, but then to laugh about it...


** And just like that, there goes my lead. Three weeks ago I was up three games on my father in the weekly picks. Thanks to dropping two more on Sunday, I’m down two on the year. Usually you don’t see points given up that quickly unless you’re at Lincoln Financial Field...

** Seattle RB Marshawn Lynch is in Philadelphia this week to see an abdominal specialist about a nagging injury. Any chance we can just keep him here and send DeMarco Murray back to the Seahawks, see if they don’t catch the difference until the end of the season?

** Philly teams are 4-22 in November, in case you’re keeping score at home. And the Flyers have three of those wins.

Week 11 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 1457.81 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1334.13 pts
3 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1313.29 pts
4 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 1301.01 pts
5 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1282.80 pts
6 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1254.26 pts
7 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 1125.41 pts
8 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 1125.18 pts
9 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1110.40 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 1101.80 pts
11 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 1007.32 pts
12 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 1001.06 pts

Big move by Anthony to get into the top five, even bigger move by Paul to get out of the bottom spot. I did not see that coming.

We finally have a very clear gap at the league’s 50-yard line. Everyone in the top six is within theoretical distance of winning, everyone below #7 would need some type of miracle to even get in the top half. On the positive side, everyone in the league is over the 1000-pts barrier for the season, so we don’t have to relegate anyone to the minors before Thanksgiving.

Speaking of Thanksgiving … Eagles at 1230, Cowboys at 4, and somebody else at 8ish. If you don’t watch all the games, you’re dishonoring the spirits of all the Pilgrims who fought at Pearl Harbor to free the NFL from the Romans, or something.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 10 recap

In news that surprises absolutely no one, Eagles QB Sam Bradford suffered another serious leg injury in the team’s second game and is expected to miss the rest of the regular season.

-- Wait, my apologies, I wrote that before the season started. Let me update it.

In news that surprises absolutely no one, Eagles QB Sam Bradford suffered a concussion in the team’s second game and is expected to miss the rest of the regular season.

-- Hold on, he lasted until week 10? That is actually fairly surprising.

In a surprising turn of events, often-injured Eagles QB Sam Bradford made it 10 weeks into the season before suffering a concussion that will force him to miss the rest of the regular season.

-- He’s not out for the season!?!? Two weeks, and maybe less? Are you sure we’re talking about Bradford?

In a surprising turn of events, often-injured Eagles QB Sam Bradford made it 10 weeks into the season before suffering a concussion that will force him to miss a pair of upcoming games.
He is expected to return fully healthy in December, and he will resume his starting role despite playing like a frightened, previously-mauled gazelle for the first half of the season.

-- Yeah, OK, I think we’ve got it now.

QB: Kirk Cousins, 36.96 pts -- on the waiver wire
WR: Antonio Brown, 28.27 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
RB: Jeremy Langford, 30.07 pts -- on Jim’s bench
TE: Zach Miller, 21.63 pts -- on the waiver wire
K: Cairo Santos, 21.00 pts -- on the waiver wire
DEF: Kansas City, 21.00 pts -- on the waiver wire
D: Walter Thurmond, 12.50 pts -- on the waiver wire

At this point, I feel like we should all go in with the goal of not starting any top performers, because we’ve done pretty terrible of late.

Then again, if I knew Cousins would be the top performer more times this season (twice) than Tom Brady (once), I probably would have given up on this nonsense weeks ago. On a personal level, I’m thrilled to see the Bears backup RB and backup TE among the top scorers while the starting TE and RB totaled fewer than 4 pts combined for my team.


“Oh my gawd” edition

3rd place: Marc Mariani, -0..70 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Jeremy Ross, -0.92 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Peyton Manning, -6.60 pts -- on Joel’s bench

Ohmigawd.

Oh. Mi. Gawd.

Peyton Manning completed five passes for 35 yards and had five turnovers (4 INTs and a lost fumble) in Sunday’s loss to the Chiefs, posting a 0.0 QB rating and the lowest player score we’ve ever seen in league history. And he did it on a day where he set the all-time passing yards mark for the league.

I really don’t have words for how terrible a performance this was. It’s the first 0.0 QB rating in the NFL in eight years (Anybody remember Chris Redman?) and gives the Manning family the trifecta of misery, with Eli posting zeros in 2004 and Archie in 1974. Literally everyone you know, in professional football or outside of it, had a better QB rating than Peyton on Sunday.

Sunday’s turnovers give Peyton an incredible 17 INTs in nine games, putting him on pace for 30 on the season, which would be a Manning family record. The current family record is 28, held by Peyton. I know, I would have guess Eli too.


** The Packers on Sunday attempted a late two-point conversion to pull even with the Lions. As Green Bay lined up for the try, Fox analyst Troy Aikman assured the viewing audience that “Whatever play the Packers have, I guarantee you it’s something they have practiced and worked on.”

That’s a bold move, going with a play you know in a key situation instead of one you’ve never tried before.

** Bob Costas, on Sunday night, delivered this gem to the NBC audience at halftime: “The last time Seattle trailed by 15 or more at the half was the NFC Championship game against the Packers. They went on to win that game and head to the Super Bowl. That likely has no bearing on tonight’s contest, so I’ll send it to the studio.”

I mean, at least he acknowledged it was a dumb reference...

Every year, Sports Illustrated picks their “sportsman of the year” to honor the top player across all athletics. So far this year, they’ve offered columns on three nominees publicly: Women’s soccer player Carli Lloyd, men’s soccer player Lionel Messi, and horse American Pharoah.

Let’s assume for a second that SI is incredibly sexist and still goes with the “male preferred” system of descriptors. Lloyd seems like she could be sportsman/sportsperson of the year because of the impact of the U.S. women’s soccer team this summer. Messi is a global superstar and could bring international clout to the sportsman award.

American Pharoah is a horse. It is not a sportsman, or a sportswoman, or a sportsperson. It is a horse. It cannot win this honor.

If they had called it “athlete of the year,” then maybe. It would still be a terrible pick, because we don’t give athlete of the year to Jeff Gordon’s car, but whatever. It would be a bad but grammatically correct pick.

But a horse cannot be sportsMAN of the year. That reward has to be reserved for a human. Has to. If we’re giving sportsMAN awards to non-humans, I nominate Wrigley Field. Tell me that place hasn’t contributed more to baseball over the years than any other park. It’s as much a man as a horse is.

American Pharoah cannot win this award. And there is no doubt in my mind SI will give it to the non-human horse, because words have no meaning anymore.


At 2-7, nothing is going right for the Cowboys, and it’s starting to wear on the players. Consider rookie TE Geoff Swaim -- that guy has really started beating up himself over the team’s poor play. Just look at the secrets his name is hiding:

Dallas Cowboys TE Geoff Swaim
** I sow gaffes, team claws bloody

Awww, I’m sure it’s not that bad, buddy. It can’t all be your fault.

Dallas Cowboys TE Geoff Swaim
** Feats of bad, I go yell scams. Wow.

C’mon, you’re being too hard on yourself.

Dallas Cowboys TE Geoff Swaim
** Scowl motifs: Go away bad feels

Awwww, you almost feel bad for the evil little guy.


** Much like the Eagles, I don’t like hanging on to a comfortable lead. I dropped two games to Dad this week to pull us even in our weekly picks. It’s worth noting that even after a terrible 5-9 week, we’re both still picking games with a .650 batting average.

** Finally, after three months of waiting, we’re exiting Ohio State’s pre-season football schedule and beginning the games that matter. They’re played zero ranked teams so far, but if they want to win a second consecutive national championship, they’ll have to defeat five top-25 teams in a row over the next two months. The fun starts Sunday against Michigan State.

** Rams QB Nick Foles got benched on Monday for backup Case Keenum, so I guess nobody got the better of that Bradford trade. Except the Rams got a second round pick out of it too. Dammit.

Week 10 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 1373.47 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1239.26 pts
3 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1194.90 pts
4 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 1180.97 pts
5 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1170.70 pts
6 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1157.51 pts
7 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 1047.60 pts
8 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 1022.18 pts
9 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 1013.52 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 961.99 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 947.58 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 920.11 pts

The more things change...

Another week, and barely any movement on the scoreboard. Dad remains comfortably in first, Sam is sneaking up into relevance, and I’m prepping to challenge the league waiver wire moves record of 43 (set by Dad).

Only seven more weeks of this, folks. You’ve got two more months to get it right or else you have to wait another year.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 9 recap

Which team won that critical Eagles/Cowboys matchup on Sunday night? Here’s a look at the stats again:

** One team had a RB rush for 100 yds. The other team didn’t and won the game.
** One team had 10 penalties for 70 yards. They won the game. ** One team had two receivers go for more than 100 yds. The other had none in regulation and won the game.
** One team collected 241 punting yards against 295 passing yards. They won the game.
** One team held the ball for 38:19 of regulation. The other team had it for under 22 mins before overtime but won the game.
** One team had Sam Bradford flailing wildly in the pocket. And they won the game.

QB: Marcus Mariota, 41.34 pts -- on Bob’s bench
WR: Antonio Brown, 28.63 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
RB: DeAngelo Williams, 35.67 pts -- on Joanna’s bench
TE: Tyler Eifert, 24.03 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
K: Josh Brown, 17.50 pts -- started by Dad
DEF:(tie) NY Jets, 15.00 pts -- started by Joanna
DEF:(tie) NY Giants, 15.00 pts -- started by Bob
D: (tie) Brandon Graham, 11.50 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
D: (tie) Jordan Hicks, 11.50 pts -- started by Ant

Well, at least we owned all the top performers this week. But what a screwy grouping.

First, Antonio Brown had a monster game, with 17 catches for 284 yards and … no touchdowns? How is that possible? Final score of the game was 38-35, with all of those points coming from other players, even though Brown ran the length of the field alone almost three times.

Second, the two top defenses both hailed from New Jersey, but the top two defensive players came from the Eagles. Makes sense.

Third, Anthony, the grim reaper of the league, straight up killed Jordan Hicks this week by starting him. It’s the fourth or fifth starter he’s put out for the year, and we need to trade him Eli Manning right away.

Fourth, Eifert still sounds funny.


“Skill players” edition

3rd place: AJ McCarron, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Eddie Lacy, -1.00 pts -- on Bob’s bench
1st place: Marcus Thigpen, -1.94 pts -- on the wire

But, really, the worst performers of the week were our league coaches. Consider:

** Bob started six players on byes this week, and had more pts on his bench (44) than in his starting lineup (41).
** Joanna started three players on a bye and one guy on IR, leaving 43 pts on her bench.
** Jim started three players on a bye.
** Joel started two players on a bye.
** Paul managed to start two players who scored no points.
** Jeff has only started one defensive player since week 6.

They say that most of life is just showing up, and half the league failed at that this week.


** The Washington Post had a headline in advance of the New England/Maryland game which read “Facing an elite offense, focus to be on tackling.” Or, to put it another way, “Facing an elite offense, local team to focus on the most basic part of a football game.” That didn’t sound desperate at all.

** ESPN’s sack of wind Chris Berman announced during Monday night’s game that the network would host a special Veterans Day SportsCenter on Wednesday, to honor those who served in the military. “And all of us here,” Berman continued, “say to America’s veterans, …”
And then he mouthed the words “Thank you.”

But he didn’t actually say them.

Because Chris Berman’s ability to murder even simple sentences and sentiments knows no bounds.

** Saints QB Drew Brees is on pace to lead the league in passing, with 5,520 yds. That would be a new league record.
** Vikings RB Adrian Peterson is on pace to lead the league in rushing, with 1,516 yds. That would be the lowest rushing title since 2007.
** Falcons WR Julio Jones is on pace to lead the league in receiving, with 1,829 yds. That would be the third highest total in league history.
** Broncos QB Peyton Manning is on pace to lead the league in interceptions thrown, with 26. That would be the most since Eli Manning had 27 in 2013.
** Cincinnati RB Rex Burkhead is on pace to trail the league in rushing, with -4 yds. That would be terrible.

At 2-6, the Cowboys’ chances of making the playoffs are all but sunk at this point. But all-pro QB Tony Romo is just a few weeks from returning, and Dallas fans are clinging to hope that he could return the team to greatness.
Is it possible? Sure. Is it likely? Well...

Rehabbing Tony Romo goes back to Dallas practices
** No matter, crabby SOB still a choking dog, a race poser

Two more losses guarantees a non-winning season for the Cowboys this year, with the Panthers, Packers and Jets still on the schedule. If the Bucs can beat them next week, we can start writing eulogy anagrams.


** Went 1-2 against Dad this week, dropping my season picks tally to just +2 against him. And I got Tennessee wrong again. I’m so sick of those guys.

** Don’t get me wrong, I’m always happy about the Eagles beating the Cowboys. But Jordan Matthews came this close to killing me in my other league…

Week 9 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 1260.45 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1122.75 pts
3 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1088.04 pts
4 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1056.75 pts
5 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 1044.81 pts
6 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1041.43 pts
7 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 983.49 pts
8 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 934.41 pts
9 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 925.49 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 887.30 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 870.45 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 824.69 pts

Mike tumbled from second to fourth with a 53.99 pts week, which would have been a new record low if Bob hadn’t posted 41.96 pts this weekend. Mom Doyle posted another 160-plus pts week, and jumped into bronze medal position again. I have no explanation for how Joanna moved up to second after forgetting to set her rosters.

But the story remains the returning champion, who widened his lead yet again and may top 1400 pts before anyone else tops 1200. Only two teams are within 200 pts right now, and with half the season left to go, Dad is threatening to turn this into a romp.

So try and remember to start a full squad next week, m’kay? We can’t just give it away to the old man.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 8 recap

 

ESPN’s College Gameday show traveled to Philadelphia this week for Temple’s Saturday night contest in what has to be the first time in decades anyone discussed NCAA football seriously in the city of Brotherly Love. Naturally, the Philly faithful were up to the task of showing off solid jabs in their crowd signs. Some of the best:

** Jesus rebuilt Temple in three years (everyone likes Bible humor)
** Notre Dame rooted for Drago (with a picture of Rocky underneath)
** The Pope and Gameday chose Philly (Catholics insults hit hard)
** Coaches named Kelly don’t win in this town (ouch)
** Ray Lewis killed a guy (off topic, but hilarious)
** Play like a champion Today (with the Temple T, of course)
** Santa threw the first snowball (because)

Temple lost to Notre Dame on a TD with less than two minutes to play, which was still the best football display at Lincoln Financial Field this season.

QB: Drew Brees, 60.54 pts -- on Mike’s bench
WR: Odell Beckham Jr., 30.67 pts -- started by Dad
RB: Todd Gurley, 21.67 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Ben Watson, 20.30 pts -- started by Paul
K: Justin Tucker, 20.00 pts -- started by Sam
DEF: Houston, 23.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Whitney Mercilus, 10.00 pts -- on the wire

Not only did Drew Brees become the 8th QB in NFL history to throw 7 TD passes in a game, not only did he post the 10th-highest passing yards total in a single game with 511, not only did he defeat the Giants Sunday and propel his team to a 4-4 record, but he also set a record single-player fantasy points total for our league, besting Peyton Manning’s 7 TD performance in early 2013 by 0.26 pts.

And he did it all on Mike’s bench. And Mike still had a ton of pts this week, so whatever. Who likes fantasy football anyway?

"Skill players" edition

3rd place: Juwan Thompson, -0.10 pts
2nd place: Will Tye, -0.53 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Bishop Sankey, -1.28 pts -- on the wire

In the “statistics lie” category, the New York Giants’ defense was slightly better than the New Orleans defense in terms of fantasy points (4.00 pts vs -1.00 pts) even though the Giants gave up 52 pts to the Saints’ 42.

Meanwhile, Sankey was a sleeper RB2 pick last year. And this week he scored fewer fantasy pts than any single player in the league. Go figure.


** Cowboys WR Dez Bryant (who is pure evil) snapped at reporters’ Sunday after one posted a video online (without sound) showing the temperamental wideout cursing at an opposing Seahawk, possibly saying that another one of the Seattle team deserved the serious injury he received in the game.

Possibly. Or he may have been yelling out a cake recipe. Lip reading videos are a joke. And it was a ludicrous leap to assume that Bryant said something like that, and that his teammate would have zero reaction to such a statement. But, hey, whatever gives you something to write about some weeks...

** The Phillies hired former infielder Mickey Morandini to be their new first base coach next season. That’s stupid. They should just have him play second base, since he’s probably as good as anyone they’re got.

** Only four teams ever have won their division and made the playoffs at 7-9. This year, we could have two -- the Giants lead the NFC East at 4-4 and the Colts lead the AFC South at 3-5.

** Eight weeks into the season, four teams are still undefeated. And if the Broncos lose to the Patriots and Bengals, three teams could finish the season without a loss (since the Panthers don’t play any of them).

** The Ravens have played eight games so far this season, all decided by eight points or less (2-6). Both of their wins came by a field goal.

** Despite all the wackiness so far, if the season ended today, seven of the 12 post-season teams from 2014 would qualify for the playoffs again. Two last place teams from 2014 (The Jets and Raiders) would also qualify.

** At least the Titans still stink.


Philadelphia had the week off, and Dallas had another close loss to drop their record to 2-5. What does this mean for their prime-time matchup next week? I think you already know the answer:

Reeling Cowboys face Monday game against another hated division rival

** Oh me, birds: Eagles dominate early for a change, avoid vanity, win coasting.

Honestly, that one is so long it’s just one step away from anagramming the entire Eagles fight song. FYI, if you do that, you come up with “Dallas is evil” twice.


** Went 2-1 against Dad in our picks this week, which puts me improbably up three with nine weeks to go. I’d be up more if I’d stop picking the Titans, who have gone 3-20 since the start of last season. But now that they fired their head coach, they look awfully good for next week ...

** Oklahoma State player Texas Tech in basketball last February and lost 65-61. On Saturday, they played them in football and won 70-52.

** The Phillies are 300-1 odds to win the World Series next year. Only two other teams are at triple-digit odds -- The Braves (100-1) and the Rockies (150-1). But those odds mean that if you put $10 down on the Phils next year … you’ll lose $10.

Week 8 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 1104.68 pts
2 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1002.76 pts
3 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 984.57 pts
4 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 933.93 pts
5 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 922.93 pts
6 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 910.43 pts
7 -- Eat Drink and D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 871.02 pts
8 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 856.46 pts
9 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 852.75 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 845.34 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 783.44 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 724.77 pts

A big week for New York QB Eli “Dopey” Manning sneaks Mom back into shouting distance of the top, and a miserable performance by New York Ryan “Injured” Fitzpatrick moves me back into the bottom half of the standings. Other than that, nobody else moved more than a spot.

Dad’s once insurmountable lead continues to slowly dwindle, so slowly that it may take 40 more weeks to catch him. But more than 60 percent of his points this week came from four of his 12 starters, so maybe there’s a chance his team’s balance is suspect. Or maybe this whole fantasy season is just a mess.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 7 recap

 

NFL Shop sent out a catalog this week with a testimonial from a “real family” story talking about how much the Eagles mean in their lives. Here is it:

Growing up an Eagles fan, every Sunday feels like Christmas morning. We wake up excited, put on our gear, and head over to my parents’ house for a day of food, football and family. My aunts, uncles, cousins and friends come over. Proud chants of “E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles!” and “Baaaaaammmm!” can be heard throughout the house. After a good win, we head home, and work on Monday doesn’t seem so bad. From the Vet to the Linc, I’ve always loved going down to the stadium to see a game, but as much fun as that atmosphere is, nothing will ever beat Football Sundays with my family.

A few observations:
** This was allegedly written by a 25-year-old, not his five-year-old son.
** No Eagles fan ever has said “Baaaaaammm!”
** This guy must have had some miserable Christmases if he thinks Bobby Hoying was the same as Santa Claus.
** Work the Monday after they won the NFC Championship was still terrible.
** Why did this guy think “family” didn’t cover “aunts, uncles, cousins” and how big is this house?
** I mean, a half point for mentioning the Vet, I guess.
** Seriously, what the hell is “Baaaaaammm!”

QB: Kirk Cousins, 36.18 pts -- on the wire
WR: Nate Washington, 24.97 pts -- on the wire
RB: Lamar Miller, 35.07 pts -- started by Paul
TE: Jordan Reed, 22.30 pts -- started by Jo
K: Blair Walsh, 20.00 pts -- started by Mike
DEF: St. Louis, 28.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Telvin Smith, 13.50 pts -- started by me

I really can’t remember the last time we started the week’s best QB…

Through seven weeks of the season, not only have we only started three of the top weekly QBs, we haven’t seen a single repeat top passer. That’s just weird. Not as weird as Kirk Cousins being the top quarterback for a week, but weird.

For the record, Sam Bradford is 25th among QBs in fantasy points this season, just ahead of Marcus Mariota and Jay Cutler … both of whom have played one less game.


“Players we own” edition

3rd place: Houston, 0.00 pts -- started by Paul
2nd place: LeGarrette Blount, -0.30 pts -- started by Dad
1st place: Cole Beasley, -1.36 pts -- on Sam’s bench

You didn’t expect to see the Patriots top RB on this list? Why not? Bill Belichick likes to keep opposing defenses guessing, and nothing is more surprising than hearing that Tom Brady -- who runs like a block of wood -- led his team in rushing for the first time in his career on Sunday. That’s strategery.


** Memphis Coach Justin Fuente, after his team’s ridiculous 66-42 win on Friday night to go 7-0 on the season, told an ESPN sideline reporter that “I’m happy we won, but I’m not happy with how we played.” He noted several missed opportunities and said his team lacked focus during several key stretches.

Dude, you won by 24 and rang up more than 700 yds of offense. You’re 7-0 at a school that probably doesn’t know it even has a football team. Maybe lay off the Vince Lombardi hardass routine just a little.

** Ohio State Coach Urban Meyer, at halftime of his team’s game on Saturday night, told a sideline reporter that he was thrilled with his Buckeyes’ first-half defensive performance and “if we can keep this up, we’re gonna win this game.”

Which, yes, when you’re up 21-0 and you don’t allow the other team to score, that’s a pretty standard way to win games. The ABC commentators noted the statement as evidence of his confidence in his defense and not in his confidence in basic math.

With Halloween just a few days away, here’s what a few of the NFL’s top signal callers are planning on dressing up as for their trick-or-treating:

** Broncos QB Peyton Manning -- Papa John
** Patriots QB Tom Brady -- Noted cheater Lance Armstrong
** Cowboys QB Tony Romo -- The devil
** Giants QB Eli Manning -- Bashful, the dwarf from Snow White (but he’ll look like Dopey no matter how hard he tries)
** Steelers QB Mike Vick -- A washed up former track star
** Jaguars QB Blake Bortles -- He’ll just wear his own jersey, see if anyone recognizes him.
** Eagles QB Sam Bradford -- A pile of broken trash


I tend to focus here on the Cowboys players because they’re the embodiment of all the moral failings of mankind. But it is worth noting that the Dallas organization goes deeper than that. Consider their eight-man practice squad. Who are these guys? Why do they want to be part of this satanic brotherhood? How did they get here? Can they be redeemed?

Luckily, this week we get a quick glimpse at those answers from DE hopeful Lavar Edwards, a second-year pro serving time on the Cowboys practice team. And, like the other stars on the team, his name shows exactly what’s going deep in his soul.

Cowboys practice team defensive lineman Lavar Edwards
** I’m part evil, need to add a few more evil screws. Any scab can.

Perhaps he can be saved, but first he must see the error of his ways instead of striving for more darkness.


** Picked up three of four on Dad on Sunday, which puts me two ahead of him on the year in our weekly picks. I know. I’m as shocked as you are.

** Sam Bradford is a worse QB right now than Kirk Cousins. KIRK COUSINS.

** This week is a bye week which makes it another Sunday where the Eagles won’t score in the first quarter.

Week 7 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 972.74 pts
2 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 866.36 pts
3 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 864.97 pts
4 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 821.34 pts
5 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 791.46 pts
6 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 772.51 pts
7 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 769.09 pts
8 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 767.20 pts
9 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 756.39 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 729.95 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 686.15pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 604.26 pts

No change in the top four spots or the bottom four spots this week, which is a little weird. But a bad week for Dad’s squad trimmed his lead atop the standings just a little bit, to almost double digits instead of his triple-digit cushion.

And a huge move up the charts for Anthony this week, leaping from 9th place to 5th. Another week like that and he can jump up out of fantasy purgatory and into the true top section of the league.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 6 recap

A look at new Eagles QB Sam Bradford through a little more than one third of the season:

** 38th in QB rating (80.1)
** 30th in 1st quarter scoring (10 pts)
** 18th in yards per game (260)
** 15th in pass plays of 20 yrds or more (17)
** 2nd in INTs (9)
** 1st place in NFC East (which hurts my brain)

He’s also 21st in the league in sacks, before you use the offensive line as an excuse for his erratic play so far. But, winning cures everything, right?

QB: Matt Stafford, 41.90 pts -- on the wire
WR: DeAndre Hopkins, 26.87 pts -- started by Sam
RB: Devonta Freeman, 29.73 pts -- started by Dad
TE: Ben Watson, 19.47 pts -- on Mom Doyle’s bench
K: Chris Boswell, 17.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Miami, 26.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Cameron Wake, 14.00 pts -- on the wire

Well, that was terrible.

Second week in a row the top QB for the week wasn’t even owned by one of our 12 teams. In fact, three of the top five passers on the week are on the wire, with Brian Hoyer (30.22 pts) and Ryan Fitzpatrick (29.72 pts) just looking around for someone to love them.

On a related note, getting pretty sick of Devonta Freeman at this point. At 146 fantasy points, he's 55 pts ahead of the next RB (Matt Forte).
   
“General lousiness” edition

3rd place: TJ Jones, -0.86 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Buffalo, -1.00 pts -- started by Joel
1st place: Corey Fuller, -1.17 pts -- on the wire

Detroit gets its first win of the season on Sunday and still has the two lowest scoring players in the league. I honestly don’t know what Detroit did to deserve this kind of football punishment, but I feel like maybe they have learned their lesson by now.


** ESPN had Green Bay’s Eddie Lacy as their 5th-best RB in their pre-game weekly rankings on Sunday. He finished 51 among running backs on Sunday. Those same experts had the Packers’ James Starks 45th among RBs in their pre-game rankings. He finished 3rd.

In fact, excluding the Monday and Thursday games, only one of their top 10 projected RBs ended up in the actual top 10 in scoring (Matt Forte). That’s an astoundingly low batting average even for the Phillies. And I bet a few of these so-called experts get paid better than OF Odubel Herrera.

** Just before halftime of the Eagles/Giants game, ESPN commentator said that New York coach Tom Coughlin would be furious with his team’s performance in the first two quarters because “he has always valued ball control, and hates turnovers.”

Somebody probably should have told that to his QB, who has more fumbles and interceptions for his career (277 coming into the game) than TD passes (269). A good time to start preaching ball control to him would have been 11 years ago, when it might have made a difference...

Here are a handful of my favorite fantasy football names so far this season:

** Touchdown Grinders
** Freak Cafe
** Field6 Forwards
** Bang Ballers
** Fan2, ManCave2
** Blindside Holdouts
** CheeseSteak Noise

I mean, I think those are fantasy football names. That’s actually just a partial list of FanDuel promo code keywords used so far. They run another commercial every 15 seconds during NFL games, and they switch those codes every single commercial, so I assume there’s some sort of subliminal wordplay exercise they’re attempting. I don’t know if the site is legal or not, but those folks are doing a great job filling up crossword puzzles somewhere.


Reports say the Dallas coaching staff used the bye week to help install newly acquired QB Matt Cassel as the replacement starter for struggling QB Brandon Weeden. That would give the Cowboys their third different starting passer in six games, a less than optimal strategy in today’s NFL. But could it work? Let’s see what the letters have to say:

Bills backup/Cowboys starter Matt Cassel
** Attempt sails, crabby screwball sucks too

It does not surprise me to hear that Cassel is crabby, given that he got his NFL break with the Patriots and Bill Belichick in 2005. That grouchiness tends to rub off on people.



** Picked up two games on Dad this week, so we’re back to even again. This may be the latest in the year that we’ve been tied in the last decade. I consider that a win. And at 63-28 on the season, we’re so far ahead of ESPN’s “experts” that it’s not even worth a joke.

** Most of the former Phillies still playing in the postseason were eliminated when the Dodgers lost, but there are still two beloved Philly stars out there trying to win a championship: OF Ben Revere of the Blue Jays and RP Ryan Madson of the Royals.

So, um, go Cubs.

** There’s a Thursday game and another early Sunday morning game this week, because the NFL still hates you.

Week 6 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 862.23 pts
2 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 733.09 pts
3 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 732.82 pts
4 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 730.72 pts
5 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 690.84 pts
6 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 674.76 pts
7 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 657.52 pts
8 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 651.59 pts
9 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 649.42 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 628.77 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 578.41 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 519.52 pts

Dad’s lead atop the standings is growing ever wider, so let’s focus on the rest of the medal positions for now.

Mike and Joanna are separated by just 0.27 pts in the standings, and Sam is less than 2 pts below them. Now that’s a race worth watching. After that … well, let’s just say the distance between second and 10th is less than the distance between first and second. So, everybody stinks.

But I cracked the top 10 for the first time in weeks, so that’s all we really need to worry about. And there are still 11 weeks left before the Awesome Cup is shined up for its presentation ceremony…

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 5 recap

** Through five weeks, only 12 of the 32 NFL teams have a winning record. Only 5 of the 16 NFC teams have winning records.

** This week, 10 of the 14 football games were decided by a touchdown or less. Three games went into overtime. For the season, more than half of the games (40 of 76) have been decided by seven points or less.

** Six teams are still undefeated. Two of them, the Falcons and Panthers, come from the NFC South, which sent a 7-9 division champion to the playoffs last year.

** The Colts are second to last in turnovers, at -7. Naturally, they’re in first place. Denver has the third-worst rushing attack in the league and the 22nd passing attack. They’re undefeated.

** The NFC East is one 49ers TD defense late Sunday night from boasting four 2-3 teams.

QB: Josh McCown, 39.48 pts -- on the wire
WR: Allen Robinson, 20.30 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: Doug Martin, 34.13 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Antonio Gates, 22.63 pts -- started by Jim
K: Caleb Sturgis, 16.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Green Bay, 26.00 pts -- started by Mike
D: Fletcher Cox, 15.00 pts -- on the wire

Two Eagles make the list, and naturally they are the two you’d expect: A defensive end and a replacement kicker. Makes total sense. Then again, Browns QB McCown collecting as many fantasy points as Tom Brady over their last three games doesn’t make any sense either, so…

For the record, the best performers on the year right now are Andy Dalton (23rd QB taken), Devonta Freeman (36th RB taken), Julio Jones (7th WR taken) and the Denver defense (undrafted). My faith in the fantasy experts is shaken again.


“People with funny names” edition

3rd place:Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
2nd place:Michael Hoomanawanui, -0.73 pts -- on the wire
1st place:Rex Burkhead, -1.70 pts -- on the wire

I was really hoping for some Steve Beauharnais (49ers LB) or Rontez Miles (Jets S) in here, but no such luck. And Tyler “I fart” Eifert almost made the top performers list, so that’s an extra bummer.


** On Friday, during a WIP radio interview, 41-year-old former professional whiner Terrell Owens was asked if he thought he could help the Eagles win more games this season if they’d sign him at WR. His response? "Absolutely, yes. No question about that."

It should be noted that at the peak of Owens’ career, he could only help the Eagles win for one season. And that was 10 years ago, before he actively caused all his teammates searing pain every time he opened his damn mouth.

** Facing a third and 10 at midfield, his team down by a TD to the undefeated Michigan State Spartans with only a few seconds left in the game, Rutgers QB Chris Laviano took the snap, was sacked near the line of scrimmage, then rushed his team to the line to spike the ball and stop the clock. And he was successful, halting the timer with three seconds left. Unfortunately, those three seconds were controlled by the MSU offense, because when you spike the ball on fourth down, you don’t get a fifth down to try a Hail Mary. Other than that, solid performance.

** NFL network analyst Brian Billick, when asked about the problems facing kickers this year, said that “kickers aren't football players” and “they're different, they are."

I don’t really have qualms about that stupid generalization. I’m just so tired of talking about kickers at this point. It’s like watching repeated pickoff attempts in baseball. I know it’s possibly game changing, but it’s also boring as hell.

The Detroit Lions are almost one-third of the way into posting the second unblemished season in NFL history, starting 0-5 with several hideous losses. But can they repeat their vaunted 0-16 “imperfect” season from 2008? Here’s a look at the biggest pitfalls in the road ahead:

** Week 6: home vs. Chicago Bears
-- This is the first real test. The Bears are 2-3 but truly awful, with a QB who routinely kills their team with picks and an offense riddled with injuries. But it’s also a division rival, so the terrible football should be extra vicious.

** Week 8: away vs. Kansas City Chiefs
On paper, the Chefs are much better. But they just inexplicably lost to the Bears in a game where star RB Jamaal Charles was injured, and the game is in London. So all bets are off.

** Week 12: home vs. Philadelphia Eagles
The annual Thanksgiving game will feature whatever is left of QB Sam Bradford and the Eagles confused attack. But even with a losing record at that point, the birds could be fighting for the division title. Will the Lions be fighting for win #1?

** Week 17: away vs. Chicago Bears
Seriously, this game could feature a 3-12 team against a 0-15 team. If that is the case, I believe the ground opens up and swallows the stadium whole as mercy for our sins.


As the Cowboys continue their slide, we continue our investigation into their vile receiving corps. Can I say there is a connection between this expose and their deteriorating offense? No.

Can I keep producing shots at their receivers just in case it has something to do with their ineptness? Yes.

Dallas Cowboys wideout Brice Butler
** I outed a deceit by all lowbrow scrubs.

So evil…

Dallas Cowboys wideout Devin Street
** Band alludes: We vow to destroy cities.

So evil...


** Dad picked up two on me this Sunday, putting him back in the lead in our weekly picks. Pretty sure I’m 1-4 on picking Bills games this year. Also pretty sure I hate Rex Ryan again.

** If the Eagles beat the Giants next Monday night, they'll be 3-3, in first place in the division, and we'll all feel great about their playoff chances. And that's a terrible indictment on the league right now.

** I don't want to celebrate anyone's downfall, but is there anyone in America who didn't see Jamaal Charles' injury coming? Dude needs to start wearing a Fred Taylor jersey. (Sam, you'll have to look this joke up. It's about football.)

Week 5 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 700.67 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 629.84 pts
3 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 625.77 pts
4 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 619.07 pts
5 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 593.41 pts
6 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 566.23 pts
7 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 558.28 pts
8 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 547.34 pts
9 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 538.80 pts
10 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 525.47 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 486.52 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 413.62 pts

Big moves by the Doyle women this week, with Joanna hopping up into second and Mom hopping into fifth. But Dad has managed to open up an early-season cushion for his lead, which would be admirable if not for his shameful rooting for the Giants Sunday night. We’ll see how he does when they square off against the Eagles next Monday, and he has to choose between his civic pride and his unchecked New York apologetics.

Meanwhile, at the other end of the standings, we’ve officially lost Paul’s attention. He started five players on a bye this week and posted a 56.45-pts week, the lowest weekly score I can remember (and, since I’m in charge of keeping records, we’ll just call it the lowest ever.)

And Sam changed his name at some point, to “hippo fantasy” … which is just creepy. But it’s still better than “It Ertz when Eifert,” which had the ESPN fantasy crew laughing for 20 minutes last week, because they’re all eight years old.