Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 5 recap

** Through five weeks, only 12 of the 32 NFL teams have a winning record. Only 5 of the 16 NFC teams have winning records.

** This week, 10 of the 14 football games were decided by a touchdown or less. Three games went into overtime. For the season, more than half of the games (40 of 76) have been decided by seven points or less.

** Six teams are still undefeated. Two of them, the Falcons and Panthers, come from the NFC South, which sent a 7-9 division champion to the playoffs last year.

** The Colts are second to last in turnovers, at -7. Naturally, they’re in first place. Denver has the third-worst rushing attack in the league and the 22nd passing attack. They’re undefeated.

** The NFC East is one 49ers TD defense late Sunday night from boasting four 2-3 teams.

QB: Josh McCown, 39.48 pts -- on the wire
WR: Allen Robinson, 20.30 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: Doug Martin, 34.13 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Antonio Gates, 22.63 pts -- started by Jim
K: Caleb Sturgis, 16.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Green Bay, 26.00 pts -- started by Mike
D: Fletcher Cox, 15.00 pts -- on the wire

Two Eagles make the list, and naturally they are the two you’d expect: A defensive end and a replacement kicker. Makes total sense. Then again, Browns QB McCown collecting as many fantasy points as Tom Brady over their last three games doesn’t make any sense either, so…

For the record, the best performers on the year right now are Andy Dalton (23rd QB taken), Devonta Freeman (36th RB taken), Julio Jones (7th WR taken) and the Denver defense (undrafted). My faith in the fantasy experts is shaken again.

“People with funny names” edition

3rd place:Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
2nd place:Michael Hoomanawanui, -0.73 pts -- on the wire
1st place:Rex Burkhead, -1.70 pts -- on the wire

I was really hoping for some Steve Beauharnais (49ers LB) or Rontez Miles (Jets S) in here, but no such luck. And Tyler “I fart” Eifert almost made the top performers list, so that’s an extra bummer.

** On Friday, during a WIP radio interview, 41-year-old former professional whiner Terrell Owens was asked if he thought he could help the Eagles win more games this season if they’d sign him at WR. His response? "Absolutely, yes. No question about that."

It should be noted that at the peak of Owens’ career, he could only help the Eagles win for one season. And that was 10 years ago, before he actively caused all his teammates searing pain every time he opened his damn mouth.

** Facing a third and 10 at midfield, his team down by a TD to the undefeated Michigan State Spartans with only a few seconds left in the game, Rutgers QB Chris Laviano took the snap, was sacked near the line of scrimmage, then rushed his team to the line to spike the ball and stop the clock. And he was successful, halting the timer with three seconds left. Unfortunately, those three seconds were controlled by the MSU offense, because when you spike the ball on fourth down, you don’t get a fifth down to try a Hail Mary. Other than that, solid performance.

** NFL network analyst Brian Billick, when asked about the problems facing kickers this year, said that “kickers aren't football players” and “they're different, they are."

I don’t really have qualms about that stupid generalization. I’m just so tired of talking about kickers at this point. It’s like watching repeated pickoff attempts in baseball. I know it’s possibly game changing, but it’s also boring as hell.

The Detroit Lions are almost one-third of the way into posting the second unblemished season in NFL history, starting 0-5 with several hideous losses. But can they repeat their vaunted 0-16 “imperfect” season from 2008? Here’s a look at the biggest pitfalls in the road ahead:

** Week 6: home vs. Chicago Bears
-- This is the first real test. The Bears are 2-3 but truly awful, with a QB who routinely kills their team with picks and an offense riddled with injuries. But it’s also a division rival, so the terrible football should be extra vicious.

** Week 8: away vs. Kansas City Chiefs
On paper, the Chefs are much better. But they just inexplicably lost to the Bears in a game where star RB Jamaal Charles was injured, and the game is in London. So all bets are off.

** Week 12: home vs. Philadelphia Eagles
The annual Thanksgiving game will feature whatever is left of QB Sam Bradford and the Eagles confused attack. But even with a losing record at that point, the birds could be fighting for the division title. Will the Lions be fighting for win #1?

** Week 17: away vs. Chicago Bears
Seriously, this game could feature a 3-12 team against a 0-15 team. If that is the case, I believe the ground opens up and swallows the stadium whole as mercy for our sins.

As the Cowboys continue their slide, we continue our investigation into their vile receiving corps. Can I say there is a connection between this expose and their deteriorating offense? No.

Can I keep producing shots at their receivers just in case it has something to do with their ineptness? Yes.

Dallas Cowboys wideout Brice Butler
** I outed a deceit by all lowbrow scrubs.

So evil…

Dallas Cowboys wideout Devin Street
** Band alludes: We vow to destroy cities.

So evil...

** Dad picked up two on me this Sunday, putting him back in the lead in our weekly picks. Pretty sure I’m 1-4 on picking Bills games this year. Also pretty sure I hate Rex Ryan again.

** If the Eagles beat the Giants next Monday night, they'll be 3-3, in first place in the division, and we'll all feel great about their playoff chances. And that's a terrible indictment on the league right now.

** I don't want to celebrate anyone's downfall, but is there anyone in America who didn't see Jamaal Charles' injury coming? Dude needs to start wearing a Fred Taylor jersey. (Sam, you'll have to look this joke up. It's about football.)

Week 5 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 700.67 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 629.84 pts
3 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 625.77 pts
4 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 619.07 pts
5 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 593.41 pts
6 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 566.23 pts
7 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 558.28 pts
8 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 547.34 pts
9 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 538.80 pts
10 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 525.47 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 486.52 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 413.62 pts

Big moves by the Doyle women this week, with Joanna hopping up into second and Mom hopping into fifth. But Dad has managed to open up an early-season cushion for his lead, which would be admirable if not for his shameful rooting for the Giants Sunday night. We’ll see how he does when they square off against the Eagles next Monday, and he has to choose between his civic pride and his unchecked New York apologetics.

Meanwhile, at the other end of the standings, we’ve officially lost Paul’s attention. He started five players on a bye this week and posted a 56.45-pts week, the lowest weekly score I can remember (and, since I’m in charge of keeping records, we’ll just call it the lowest ever.)

And Sam changed his name at some point, to “hippo fantasy” … which is just creepy. But it’s still better than “It Ertz when Eifert,” which had the ESPN fantasy crew laughing for 20 minutes last week, because they’re all eight years old.

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