Fantasy league 2015 -- week 9 recap

Which team won that critical Eagles/Cowboys matchup on Sunday night? Here’s a look at the stats again:

** One team had a RB rush for 100 yds. The other team didn’t and won the game.
** One team had 10 penalties for 70 yards. They won the game. ** One team had two receivers go for more than 100 yds. The other had none in regulation and won the game.
** One team collected 241 punting yards against 295 passing yards. They won the game.
** One team held the ball for 38:19 of regulation. The other team had it for under 22 mins before overtime but won the game.
** One team had Sam Bradford flailing wildly in the pocket. And they won the game.

QB: Marcus Mariota, 41.34 pts -- on Bob’s bench
WR: Antonio Brown, 28.63 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
RB: DeAngelo Williams, 35.67 pts -- on Joanna’s bench
TE: Tyler Eifert, 24.03 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
K: Josh Brown, 17.50 pts -- started by Dad
DEF:(tie) NY Jets, 15.00 pts -- started by Joanna
DEF:(tie) NY Giants, 15.00 pts -- started by Bob
D: (tie) Brandon Graham, 11.50 pts -- started by Mom Doyle
D: (tie) Jordan Hicks, 11.50 pts -- started by Ant

Well, at least we owned all the top performers this week. But what a screwy grouping.

First, Antonio Brown had a monster game, with 17 catches for 284 yards and … no touchdowns? How is that possible? Final score of the game was 38-35, with all of those points coming from other players, even though Brown ran the length of the field alone almost three times.

Second, the two top defenses both hailed from New Jersey, but the top two defensive players came from the Eagles. Makes sense.

Third, Anthony, the grim reaper of the league, straight up killed Jordan Hicks this week by starting him. It’s the fourth or fifth starter he’s put out for the year, and we need to trade him Eli Manning right away.

Fourth, Eifert still sounds funny.


“Skill players” edition

3rd place: AJ McCarron, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Eddie Lacy, -1.00 pts -- on Bob’s bench
1st place: Marcus Thigpen, -1.94 pts -- on the wire

But, really, the worst performers of the week were our league coaches. Consider:

** Bob started six players on byes this week, and had more pts on his bench (44) than in his starting lineup (41).
** Joanna started three players on a bye and one guy on IR, leaving 43 pts on her bench.
** Jim started three players on a bye.
** Joel started two players on a bye.
** Paul managed to start two players who scored no points.
** Jeff has only started one defensive player since week 6.

They say that most of life is just showing up, and half the league failed at that this week.


** The Washington Post had a headline in advance of the New England/Maryland game which read “Facing an elite offense, focus to be on tackling.” Or, to put it another way, “Facing an elite offense, local team to focus on the most basic part of a football game.” That didn’t sound desperate at all.

** ESPN’s sack of wind Chris Berman announced during Monday night’s game that the network would host a special Veterans Day SportsCenter on Wednesday, to honor those who served in the military. “And all of us here,” Berman continued, “say to America’s veterans, …”
And then he mouthed the words “Thank you.”

But he didn’t actually say them.

Because Chris Berman’s ability to murder even simple sentences and sentiments knows no bounds.

** Saints QB Drew Brees is on pace to lead the league in passing, with 5,520 yds. That would be a new league record.
** Vikings RB Adrian Peterson is on pace to lead the league in rushing, with 1,516 yds. That would be the lowest rushing title since 2007.
** Falcons WR Julio Jones is on pace to lead the league in receiving, with 1,829 yds. That would be the third highest total in league history.
** Broncos QB Peyton Manning is on pace to lead the league in interceptions thrown, with 26. That would be the most since Eli Manning had 27 in 2013.
** Cincinnati RB Rex Burkhead is on pace to trail the league in rushing, with -4 yds. That would be terrible.

At 2-6, the Cowboys’ chances of making the playoffs are all but sunk at this point. But all-pro QB Tony Romo is just a few weeks from returning, and Dallas fans are clinging to hope that he could return the team to greatness.
Is it possible? Sure. Is it likely? Well...

Rehabbing Tony Romo goes back to Dallas practices
** No matter, crabby SOB still a choking dog, a race poser

Two more losses guarantees a non-winning season for the Cowboys this year, with the Panthers, Packers and Jets still on the schedule. If the Bucs can beat them next week, we can start writing eulogy anagrams.


** Went 1-2 against Dad this week, dropping my season picks tally to just +2 against him. And I got Tennessee wrong again. I’m so sick of those guys.

** Don’t get me wrong, I’m always happy about the Eagles beating the Cowboys. But Jordan Matthews came this close to killing me in my other league…

Week 9 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 1260.45 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 1122.75 pts
3 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 1088.04 pts
4 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1056.75 pts
5 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 1044.81 pts
6 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 1041.43 pts
7 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 983.49 pts
8 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 934.41 pts
9 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 925.49 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 887.30 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 870.45 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 824.69 pts

Mike tumbled from second to fourth with a 53.99 pts week, which would have been a new record low if Bob hadn’t posted 41.96 pts this weekend. Mom Doyle posted another 160-plus pts week, and jumped into bronze medal position again. I have no explanation for how Joanna moved up to second after forgetting to set her rosters.

But the story remains the returning champion, who widened his lead yet again and may top 1400 pts before anyone else tops 1200. Only two teams are within 200 pts right now, and with half the season left to go, Dad is threatening to turn this into a romp.

So try and remember to start a full squad next week, m’kay? We can’t just give it away to the old man.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 8 recap

 

ESPN’s College Gameday show traveled to Philadelphia this week for Temple’s Saturday night contest in what has to be the first time in decades anyone discussed NCAA football seriously in the city of Brotherly Love. Naturally, the Philly faithful were up to the task of showing off solid jabs in their crowd signs. Some of the best:

** Jesus rebuilt Temple in three years (everyone likes Bible humor)
** Notre Dame rooted for Drago (with a picture of Rocky underneath)
** The Pope and Gameday chose Philly (Catholics insults hit hard)
** Coaches named Kelly don’t win in this town (ouch)
** Ray Lewis killed a guy (off topic, but hilarious)
** Play like a champion Today (with the Temple T, of course)
** Santa threw the first snowball (because)

Temple lost to Notre Dame on a TD with less than two minutes to play, which was still the best football display at Lincoln Financial Field this season.

QB: Drew Brees, 60.54 pts -- on Mike’s bench
WR: Odell Beckham Jr., 30.67 pts -- started by Dad
RB: Todd Gurley, 21.67 pts -- started by Sam
TE: Ben Watson, 20.30 pts -- started by Paul
K: Justin Tucker, 20.00 pts -- started by Sam
DEF: Houston, 23.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Whitney Mercilus, 10.00 pts -- on the wire

Not only did Drew Brees become the 8th QB in NFL history to throw 7 TD passes in a game, not only did he post the 10th-highest passing yards total in a single game with 511, not only did he defeat the Giants Sunday and propel his team to a 4-4 record, but he also set a record single-player fantasy points total for our league, besting Peyton Manning’s 7 TD performance in early 2013 by 0.26 pts.

And he did it all on Mike’s bench. And Mike still had a ton of pts this week, so whatever. Who likes fantasy football anyway?

"Skill players" edition

3rd place: Juwan Thompson, -0.10 pts
2nd place: Will Tye, -0.53 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Bishop Sankey, -1.28 pts -- on the wire

In the “statistics lie” category, the New York Giants’ defense was slightly better than the New Orleans defense in terms of fantasy points (4.00 pts vs -1.00 pts) even though the Giants gave up 52 pts to the Saints’ 42.

Meanwhile, Sankey was a sleeper RB2 pick last year. And this week he scored fewer fantasy pts than any single player in the league. Go figure.


** Cowboys WR Dez Bryant (who is pure evil) snapped at reporters’ Sunday after one posted a video online (without sound) showing the temperamental wideout cursing at an opposing Seahawk, possibly saying that another one of the Seattle team deserved the serious injury he received in the game.

Possibly. Or he may have been yelling out a cake recipe. Lip reading videos are a joke. And it was a ludicrous leap to assume that Bryant said something like that, and that his teammate would have zero reaction to such a statement. But, hey, whatever gives you something to write about some weeks...

** The Phillies hired former infielder Mickey Morandini to be their new first base coach next season. That’s stupid. They should just have him play second base, since he’s probably as good as anyone they’re got.

** Only four teams ever have won their division and made the playoffs at 7-9. This year, we could have two -- the Giants lead the NFC East at 4-4 and the Colts lead the AFC South at 3-5.

** Eight weeks into the season, four teams are still undefeated. And if the Broncos lose to the Patriots and Bengals, three teams could finish the season without a loss (since the Panthers don’t play any of them).

** The Ravens have played eight games so far this season, all decided by eight points or less (2-6). Both of their wins came by a field goal.

** Despite all the wackiness so far, if the season ended today, seven of the 12 post-season teams from 2014 would qualify for the playoffs again. Two last place teams from 2014 (The Jets and Raiders) would also qualify.

** At least the Titans still stink.


Philadelphia had the week off, and Dallas had another close loss to drop their record to 2-5. What does this mean for their prime-time matchup next week? I think you already know the answer:

Reeling Cowboys face Monday game against another hated division rival

** Oh me, birds: Eagles dominate early for a change, avoid vanity, win coasting.

Honestly, that one is so long it’s just one step away from anagramming the entire Eagles fight song. FYI, if you do that, you come up with “Dallas is evil” twice.


** Went 2-1 against Dad in our picks this week, which puts me improbably up three with nine weeks to go. I’d be up more if I’d stop picking the Titans, who have gone 3-20 since the start of last season. But now that they fired their head coach, they look awfully good for next week ...

** Oklahoma State player Texas Tech in basketball last February and lost 65-61. On Saturday, they played them in football and won 70-52.

** The Phillies are 300-1 odds to win the World Series next year. Only two other teams are at triple-digit odds -- The Braves (100-1) and the Rockies (150-1). But those odds mean that if you put $10 down on the Phils next year … you’ll lose $10.

Week 8 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 1104.68 pts
2 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 1002.76 pts
3 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 984.57 pts
4 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 933.93 pts
5 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 922.93 pts
6 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 910.43 pts
7 -- Eat Drink and D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 871.02 pts
8 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 856.46 pts
9 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 852.75 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 845.34 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 783.44 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 724.77 pts

A big week for New York QB Eli “Dopey” Manning sneaks Mom back into shouting distance of the top, and a miserable performance by New York Ryan “Injured” Fitzpatrick moves me back into the bottom half of the standings. Other than that, nobody else moved more than a spot.

Dad’s once insurmountable lead continues to slowly dwindle, so slowly that it may take 40 more weeks to catch him. But more than 60 percent of his points this week came from four of his 12 starters, so maybe there’s a chance his team’s balance is suspect. Or maybe this whole fantasy season is just a mess.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 7 recap

 

NFL Shop sent out a catalog this week with a testimonial from a “real family” story talking about how much the Eagles mean in their lives. Here is it:

Growing up an Eagles fan, every Sunday feels like Christmas morning. We wake up excited, put on our gear, and head over to my parents’ house for a day of food, football and family. My aunts, uncles, cousins and friends come over. Proud chants of “E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles!” and “Baaaaaammmm!” can be heard throughout the house. After a good win, we head home, and work on Monday doesn’t seem so bad. From the Vet to the Linc, I’ve always loved going down to the stadium to see a game, but as much fun as that atmosphere is, nothing will ever beat Football Sundays with my family.

A few observations:
** This was allegedly written by a 25-year-old, not his five-year-old son.
** No Eagles fan ever has said “Baaaaaammm!”
** This guy must have had some miserable Christmases if he thinks Bobby Hoying was the same as Santa Claus.
** Work the Monday after they won the NFC Championship was still terrible.
** Why did this guy think “family” didn’t cover “aunts, uncles, cousins” and how big is this house?
** I mean, a half point for mentioning the Vet, I guess.
** Seriously, what the hell is “Baaaaaammm!”

QB: Kirk Cousins, 36.18 pts -- on the wire
WR: Nate Washington, 24.97 pts -- on the wire
RB: Lamar Miller, 35.07 pts -- started by Paul
TE: Jordan Reed, 22.30 pts -- started by Jo
K: Blair Walsh, 20.00 pts -- started by Mike
DEF: St. Louis, 28.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Telvin Smith, 13.50 pts -- started by me

I really can’t remember the last time we started the week’s best QB…

Through seven weeks of the season, not only have we only started three of the top weekly QBs, we haven’t seen a single repeat top passer. That’s just weird. Not as weird as Kirk Cousins being the top quarterback for a week, but weird.

For the record, Sam Bradford is 25th among QBs in fantasy points this season, just ahead of Marcus Mariota and Jay Cutler … both of whom have played one less game.


“Players we own” edition

3rd place: Houston, 0.00 pts -- started by Paul
2nd place: LeGarrette Blount, -0.30 pts -- started by Dad
1st place: Cole Beasley, -1.36 pts -- on Sam’s bench

You didn’t expect to see the Patriots top RB on this list? Why not? Bill Belichick likes to keep opposing defenses guessing, and nothing is more surprising than hearing that Tom Brady -- who runs like a block of wood -- led his team in rushing for the first time in his career on Sunday. That’s strategery.


** Memphis Coach Justin Fuente, after his team’s ridiculous 66-42 win on Friday night to go 7-0 on the season, told an ESPN sideline reporter that “I’m happy we won, but I’m not happy with how we played.” He noted several missed opportunities and said his team lacked focus during several key stretches.

Dude, you won by 24 and rang up more than 700 yds of offense. You’re 7-0 at a school that probably doesn’t know it even has a football team. Maybe lay off the Vince Lombardi hardass routine just a little.

** Ohio State Coach Urban Meyer, at halftime of his team’s game on Saturday night, told a sideline reporter that he was thrilled with his Buckeyes’ first-half defensive performance and “if we can keep this up, we’re gonna win this game.”

Which, yes, when you’re up 21-0 and you don’t allow the other team to score, that’s a pretty standard way to win games. The ABC commentators noted the statement as evidence of his confidence in his defense and not in his confidence in basic math.

With Halloween just a few days away, here’s what a few of the NFL’s top signal callers are planning on dressing up as for their trick-or-treating:

** Broncos QB Peyton Manning -- Papa John
** Patriots QB Tom Brady -- Noted cheater Lance Armstrong
** Cowboys QB Tony Romo -- The devil
** Giants QB Eli Manning -- Bashful, the dwarf from Snow White (but he’ll look like Dopey no matter how hard he tries)
** Steelers QB Mike Vick -- A washed up former track star
** Jaguars QB Blake Bortles -- He’ll just wear his own jersey, see if anyone recognizes him.
** Eagles QB Sam Bradford -- A pile of broken trash


I tend to focus here on the Cowboys players because they’re the embodiment of all the moral failings of mankind. But it is worth noting that the Dallas organization goes deeper than that. Consider their eight-man practice squad. Who are these guys? Why do they want to be part of this satanic brotherhood? How did they get here? Can they be redeemed?

Luckily, this week we get a quick glimpse at those answers from DE hopeful Lavar Edwards, a second-year pro serving time on the Cowboys practice team. And, like the other stars on the team, his name shows exactly what’s going deep in his soul.

Cowboys practice team defensive lineman Lavar Edwards
** I’m part evil, need to add a few more evil screws. Any scab can.

Perhaps he can be saved, but first he must see the error of his ways instead of striving for more darkness.


** Picked up three of four on Dad on Sunday, which puts me two ahead of him on the year in our weekly picks. I know. I’m as shocked as you are.

** Sam Bradford is a worse QB right now than Kirk Cousins. KIRK COUSINS.

** This week is a bye week which makes it another Sunday where the Eagles won’t score in the first quarter.

Week 7 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 972.74 pts
2 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 866.36 pts
3 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 864.97 pts
4 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 821.34 pts
5 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 791.46 pts
6 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 772.51 pts
7 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 769.09 pts
8 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 767.20 pts
9 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 756.39 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 729.95 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 686.15pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 604.26 pts

No change in the top four spots or the bottom four spots this week, which is a little weird. But a bad week for Dad’s squad trimmed his lead atop the standings just a little bit, to almost double digits instead of his triple-digit cushion.

And a huge move up the charts for Anthony this week, leaping from 9th place to 5th. Another week like that and he can jump up out of fantasy purgatory and into the true top section of the league.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 6 recap

A look at new Eagles QB Sam Bradford through a little more than one third of the season:

** 38th in QB rating (80.1)
** 30th in 1st quarter scoring (10 pts)
** 18th in yards per game (260)
** 15th in pass plays of 20 yrds or more (17)
** 2nd in INTs (9)
** 1st place in NFC East (which hurts my brain)

He’s also 21st in the league in sacks, before you use the offensive line as an excuse for his erratic play so far. But, winning cures everything, right?

QB: Matt Stafford, 41.90 pts -- on the wire
WR: DeAndre Hopkins, 26.87 pts -- started by Sam
RB: Devonta Freeman, 29.73 pts -- started by Dad
TE: Ben Watson, 19.47 pts -- on Mom Doyle’s bench
K: Chris Boswell, 17.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Miami, 26.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Cameron Wake, 14.00 pts -- on the wire

Well, that was terrible.

Second week in a row the top QB for the week wasn’t even owned by one of our 12 teams. In fact, three of the top five passers on the week are on the wire, with Brian Hoyer (30.22 pts) and Ryan Fitzpatrick (29.72 pts) just looking around for someone to love them.

On a related note, getting pretty sick of Devonta Freeman at this point. At 146 fantasy points, he's 55 pts ahead of the next RB (Matt Forte).
   
“General lousiness” edition

3rd place: TJ Jones, -0.86 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Buffalo, -1.00 pts -- started by Joel
1st place: Corey Fuller, -1.17 pts -- on the wire

Detroit gets its first win of the season on Sunday and still has the two lowest scoring players in the league. I honestly don’t know what Detroit did to deserve this kind of football punishment, but I feel like maybe they have learned their lesson by now.


** ESPN had Green Bay’s Eddie Lacy as their 5th-best RB in their pre-game weekly rankings on Sunday. He finished 51 among running backs on Sunday. Those same experts had the Packers’ James Starks 45th among RBs in their pre-game rankings. He finished 3rd.

In fact, excluding the Monday and Thursday games, only one of their top 10 projected RBs ended up in the actual top 10 in scoring (Matt Forte). That’s an astoundingly low batting average even for the Phillies. And I bet a few of these so-called experts get paid better than OF Odubel Herrera.

** Just before halftime of the Eagles/Giants game, ESPN commentator said that New York coach Tom Coughlin would be furious with his team’s performance in the first two quarters because “he has always valued ball control, and hates turnovers.”

Somebody probably should have told that to his QB, who has more fumbles and interceptions for his career (277 coming into the game) than TD passes (269). A good time to start preaching ball control to him would have been 11 years ago, when it might have made a difference...

Here are a handful of my favorite fantasy football names so far this season:

** Touchdown Grinders
** Freak Cafe
** Field6 Forwards
** Bang Ballers
** Fan2, ManCave2
** Blindside Holdouts
** CheeseSteak Noise

I mean, I think those are fantasy football names. That’s actually just a partial list of FanDuel promo code keywords used so far. They run another commercial every 15 seconds during NFL games, and they switch those codes every single commercial, so I assume there’s some sort of subliminal wordplay exercise they’re attempting. I don’t know if the site is legal or not, but those folks are doing a great job filling up crossword puzzles somewhere.


Reports say the Dallas coaching staff used the bye week to help install newly acquired QB Matt Cassel as the replacement starter for struggling QB Brandon Weeden. That would give the Cowboys their third different starting passer in six games, a less than optimal strategy in today’s NFL. But could it work? Let’s see what the letters have to say:

Bills backup/Cowboys starter Matt Cassel
** Attempt sails, crabby screwball sucks too

It does not surprise me to hear that Cassel is crabby, given that he got his NFL break with the Patriots and Bill Belichick in 2005. That grouchiness tends to rub off on people.



** Picked up two games on Dad this week, so we’re back to even again. This may be the latest in the year that we’ve been tied in the last decade. I consider that a win. And at 63-28 on the season, we’re so far ahead of ESPN’s “experts” that it’s not even worth a joke.

** Most of the former Phillies still playing in the postseason were eliminated when the Dodgers lost, but there are still two beloved Philly stars out there trying to win a championship: OF Ben Revere of the Blue Jays and RP Ryan Madson of the Royals.

So, um, go Cubs.

** There’s a Thursday game and another early Sunday morning game this week, because the NFL still hates you.

Week 6 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 862.23 pts
2 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 733.09 pts
3 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 732.82 pts
4 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 730.72 pts
5 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 690.84 pts
6 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 674.76 pts
7 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 657.52 pts
8 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 651.59 pts
9 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 649.42 pts
10 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 628.77 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 578.41 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 519.52 pts

Dad’s lead atop the standings is growing ever wider, so let’s focus on the rest of the medal positions for now.

Mike and Joanna are separated by just 0.27 pts in the standings, and Sam is less than 2 pts below them. Now that’s a race worth watching. After that … well, let’s just say the distance between second and 10th is less than the distance between first and second. So, everybody stinks.

But I cracked the top 10 for the first time in weeks, so that’s all we really need to worry about. And there are still 11 weeks left before the Awesome Cup is shined up for its presentation ceremony…

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 5 recap

** Through five weeks, only 12 of the 32 NFL teams have a winning record. Only 5 of the 16 NFC teams have winning records.

** This week, 10 of the 14 football games were decided by a touchdown or less. Three games went into overtime. For the season, more than half of the games (40 of 76) have been decided by seven points or less.

** Six teams are still undefeated. Two of them, the Falcons and Panthers, come from the NFC South, which sent a 7-9 division champion to the playoffs last year.

** The Colts are second to last in turnovers, at -7. Naturally, they’re in first place. Denver has the third-worst rushing attack in the league and the 22nd passing attack. They’re undefeated.

** The NFC East is one 49ers TD defense late Sunday night from boasting four 2-3 teams.

QB: Josh McCown, 39.48 pts -- on the wire
WR: Allen Robinson, 20.30 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: Doug Martin, 34.13 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Antonio Gates, 22.63 pts -- started by Jim
K: Caleb Sturgis, 16.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Green Bay, 26.00 pts -- started by Mike
D: Fletcher Cox, 15.00 pts -- on the wire

Two Eagles make the list, and naturally they are the two you’d expect: A defensive end and a replacement kicker. Makes total sense. Then again, Browns QB McCown collecting as many fantasy points as Tom Brady over their last three games doesn’t make any sense either, so…

For the record, the best performers on the year right now are Andy Dalton (23rd QB taken), Devonta Freeman (36th RB taken), Julio Jones (7th WR taken) and the Denver defense (undrafted). My faith in the fantasy experts is shaken again.


“People with funny names” edition

3rd place:Jimmy Garoppolo, -0.20 pts -- on the wire
2nd place:Michael Hoomanawanui, -0.73 pts -- on the wire
1st place:Rex Burkhead, -1.70 pts -- on the wire

I was really hoping for some Steve Beauharnais (49ers LB) or Rontez Miles (Jets S) in here, but no such luck. And Tyler “I fart” Eifert almost made the top performers list, so that’s an extra bummer.


** On Friday, during a WIP radio interview, 41-year-old former professional whiner Terrell Owens was asked if he thought he could help the Eagles win more games this season if they’d sign him at WR. His response? "Absolutely, yes. No question about that."

It should be noted that at the peak of Owens’ career, he could only help the Eagles win for one season. And that was 10 years ago, before he actively caused all his teammates searing pain every time he opened his damn mouth.

** Facing a third and 10 at midfield, his team down by a TD to the undefeated Michigan State Spartans with only a few seconds left in the game, Rutgers QB Chris Laviano took the snap, was sacked near the line of scrimmage, then rushed his team to the line to spike the ball and stop the clock. And he was successful, halting the timer with three seconds left. Unfortunately, those three seconds were controlled by the MSU offense, because when you spike the ball on fourth down, you don’t get a fifth down to try a Hail Mary. Other than that, solid performance.

** NFL network analyst Brian Billick, when asked about the problems facing kickers this year, said that “kickers aren't football players” and “they're different, they are."

I don’t really have qualms about that stupid generalization. I’m just so tired of talking about kickers at this point. It’s like watching repeated pickoff attempts in baseball. I know it’s possibly game changing, but it’s also boring as hell.

The Detroit Lions are almost one-third of the way into posting the second unblemished season in NFL history, starting 0-5 with several hideous losses. But can they repeat their vaunted 0-16 “imperfect” season from 2008? Here’s a look at the biggest pitfalls in the road ahead:

** Week 6: home vs. Chicago Bears
-- This is the first real test. The Bears are 2-3 but truly awful, with a QB who routinely kills their team with picks and an offense riddled with injuries. But it’s also a division rival, so the terrible football should be extra vicious.

** Week 8: away vs. Kansas City Chiefs
On paper, the Chefs are much better. But they just inexplicably lost to the Bears in a game where star RB Jamaal Charles was injured, and the game is in London. So all bets are off.

** Week 12: home vs. Philadelphia Eagles
The annual Thanksgiving game will feature whatever is left of QB Sam Bradford and the Eagles confused attack. But even with a losing record at that point, the birds could be fighting for the division title. Will the Lions be fighting for win #1?

** Week 17: away vs. Chicago Bears
Seriously, this game could feature a 3-12 team against a 0-15 team. If that is the case, I believe the ground opens up and swallows the stadium whole as mercy for our sins.


As the Cowboys continue their slide, we continue our investigation into their vile receiving corps. Can I say there is a connection between this expose and their deteriorating offense? No.

Can I keep producing shots at their receivers just in case it has something to do with their ineptness? Yes.

Dallas Cowboys wideout Brice Butler
** I outed a deceit by all lowbrow scrubs.

So evil…

Dallas Cowboys wideout Devin Street
** Band alludes: We vow to destroy cities.

So evil...


** Dad picked up two on me this Sunday, putting him back in the lead in our weekly picks. Pretty sure I’m 1-4 on picking Bills games this year. Also pretty sure I hate Rex Ryan again.

** If the Eagles beat the Giants next Monday night, they'll be 3-3, in first place in the division, and we'll all feel great about their playoff chances. And that's a terrible indictment on the league right now.

** I don't want to celebrate anyone's downfall, but is there anyone in America who didn't see Jamaal Charles' injury coming? Dude needs to start wearing a Fred Taylor jersey. (Sam, you'll have to look this joke up. It's about football.)

Week 5 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 700.67 pts
2 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 629.84 pts
3 -- hippo fantasy (Sam) -- 625.77 pts
4 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 619.07 pts
5 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 593.41 pts
6 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 566.23 pts
7 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 558.28 pts
8 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 547.34 pts
9 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 538.80 pts
10 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 525.47 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 486.52 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 413.62 pts

Big moves by the Doyle women this week, with Joanna hopping up into second and Mom hopping into fifth. But Dad has managed to open up an early-season cushion for his lead, which would be admirable if not for his shameful rooting for the Giants Sunday night. We’ll see how he does when they square off against the Eagles next Monday, and he has to choose between his civic pride and his unchecked New York apologetics.

Meanwhile, at the other end of the standings, we’ve officially lost Paul’s attention. He started five players on a bye this week and posted a 56.45-pts week, the lowest weekly score I can remember (and, since I’m in charge of keeping records, we’ll just call it the lowest ever.)

And Sam changed his name at some point, to “hippo fantasy” … which is just creepy. But it’s still better than “It Ertz when Eifert,” which had the ESPN fantasy crew laughing for 20 minutes last week, because they’re all eight years old.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 4 recap

Around 3pm on Sunday, as the Eagles struggled down in Maryland and the Phillies got ready to start their final contest of the year, a large bird flying above Citizens Bank Park was killed by a batting practice ball and fell onto the field below, delaying the start of the baseball game.

This almost seems too easy to deal with in this column, but I feel like it’s my civic duty to plow ahead and get the predictable responses out of the way:

** The bird appeared to be a hawk, not an eagle. The dead Eagles were found all over the football field down in Maryland.
** That’s the first outfield fly the Phillies have killed in a while.
** No truth to early reports that Chip Kelly immediately signed the downed bird as his newest running back.
** If a bird dies in an empty stadium, does it make a sound?
** It’s worth noting that in all the news coverage, no one pitied the bird, and many Philly sports writers were openly jealous of its fate.
** Still not the worst collapse in a local sports stadium this year.

Rest in peace, dear fowl. You really are the mascot we needed for October.

QB: Philip Rivers, 32.22 pts -- started by Mike
WR: Tavon Austin, 23.40 pts -- on the wire
RB: Devonta Freeman, 32,70 pts -- started by Dad
TE: Martellus Bennett, 17.53 pts -- started by me
K: Cairo Santos, 27.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Atlanta, 22.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Josh Norman, 13.50 pts -- on the wire

So … yeah, not a great week for us. You could have fielded a team that totaled 211 points with just the top available guys on the wire. Meanwhile, we had seven teams fail to break 100 pts this week. We kinda looked like the Eagles out there, folks.


“Players we started” edition

3rd place: Ryan Matthews, 0.00 pts -- started by Mike
2nd place: Houston, -4.00 pts -- started by Paul
1st place: Kansas City, -6.00 pts -- started by me

One week after we had our first lowest-score-possible of the year, we have our first idiot coach who started a defense that bottomed out. Thanks a bunch, big fat Andy Reid. I needed your defense for exactly one week while mine was on a bye, and you cost me a touchdown worth of scoring. Good to see you’re still there to let me down.

There were actually a bunch of different players on our teams that scored zero pts, but Ryan Matthews gets the nod here, because, dammit, Eagles. Just dammit.


** I love me some fantasy football predictions, and RantSports.com doesn’t disappoint, with a weekly feature of “15 players you can safely drop” which higlights complete duds from all over the league. Their week 4 highlights, as of Saturday night? Doug Martin (21.57 pts on Sunday), Rashad Jennings (14.40 pts), C.J. Spiller (16.10 pts), Teddy Bridgewater (17.06 pts), and Brandon Weeden (16.34 pts). But other than getting 1/3rd of their “complete failures” completely wrong, it was a solid list.

** After watching Cowboys QB Brandon Weeden get sacked in the Sunday night game, NBC analyst Cris Collinsworth noted that the problem was “when you go backwards as a quarterback, you have to step up and throw. So that’s a problem.” Which means … something, I’m sure.

Vegas released their updated betting lines for this season’s Super Bowl Champion. And while the top two are predictable (Patriots and Packers at 7-2 odds), the rest of the list is … interesting. Consider:

** The Giants are the top team in the NFC East at 33-1 odds. The Cowboys (who beat the Giants) are 35-1. And the Maryland Racial Slurs, who have the same record as those two, are 100-1. Meanwhile, the Eagles are 35-1, despite effectively being two games down on all those teams in the worst division in football.

** The Jaguars, who nearly beat the Colts on Sunday, have the worst odds in the league at 500-1. The Colts, who beat the Jags in overtime thanks to three missed Jacksonville field goals, have 25 times better odds, at 20-1.

** The Bears are 300-1. Would anyone even put a dollar down on them at those odds? Unless it’s over 1,000-1, I can’t see spending a nickel on that wretched team.

** The Panthers, who are 4-0, are 33-1 odds. And it’s just weird to have two teams with odd numbers like that in the list.

** The Buccaneers are 400-1, and I honestly had forgot they were still playing.


A lot of the focus on the Cowboys since Dez Bryant’s injury has centered on whether the other wide receivers on the team will be able to pick up the slack. If the question is whether they’ll be able to pick up the evil slack, the answer is “yes, clearly, they are all Satan’s spawn.” We’re gonna spend the next few weeks looking at the rest of the receiving corps, starting with this sterling pair:

Dallas Cowboys wideout Cole Beasley
** A occult odyssey, so a bewailed bellow

So evil…

Cowboys WR Lucky Whitehead
** Sow debauchery thickly. Wow.

So evil...


** Dad and I split our picks this week, which is fine because I picked Dallas on Sunday night and was very happy to be wrong. We’re tied for the year at 43-20, which is a good enough record that we should be putting real money on this.

** The baseball playoffs are this week, so here’s a reminder who you can root for: The Astros, the Pirates, maybe the Royals, and the Dodgers if Jimmy and Chase do awesome and the rest of the team flails. If the World Series ends up Yankees and Mets again, you’re not allowed to have any more baseball ever.

Week 4 standings

1 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 550.44 pts
2 -- king hippo (Sam) -- 530.25 pts
3 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 511.17 pts
4 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 488.97 pts
5 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 460.57 pts
6 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 456.78 pts
7 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 455.11 pts
8 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 445.00 pts
9 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 428.58
10 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 396.99 pts
11 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 383.13 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 357.17 pts

Prior Awesome Cup champions Dad and Sam are still in the lead, but Joanna has made a serious move up the charts in recent weeks (and posted the highest score this week, 127.60 pts, albeit the lowest highest score I think we’ve ever had).

We’re starting to see a gap forming around the bottom half of the standings, separating the contenders from the NFC East contenders. The season is already one-quarter over, folks. Time to get a move on.

Fantasy league 2015 -- week 3 recap

It's no surprise that the Eagles and Phillies both saw dramatic victories on Sunday while the Pope was visiting Philadelphia -- divine intervention routinely plays a role in most sporting events. Consider the following:

** Sept 2006 -- In their first game back at the Superdome after a year absence, the Saints put on a heavenly inspired game and drubbed the Falcons 23-3. Afterwards, the Catholic Church admitted it put in a good word for the New Orleans squad after being confused by the cheers of "Saints Saints Saints!"

** Feb 1989 -- A then lightly regarded Joe Montana (a Notre Dame grad) leads his 49ers on a 90-yard game-winning TD drive to capture the Super Bowl. In the stadium is Jesus, disguised as John Candy.

** March 1996 -- Shortly after the Cowboys win their grid Super Bowl in four years, NFL officials admit that Lucifer had been secretly acting as league commissioner for the last half decade. As atonement, the league institutes a salary cap just weeks later.

** Dec 2010 -- The Virginia Tech Hokies score an upset 44-33 victory in the ACC championship game behind QB Tyrod Taylor, named for Saint Tyrod of Thessalonia.

** May 2017 -- While crossing the street, Patriots QB Tom Brady is struck down by lightning for his vast array of sins.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 44.92 pts -- started by Sam
WR: AJ Green, 32.13 pts -- started by Jo
RB: Devonta Freeman, 38.07 pts -- started by Dad
TE: Greg Olsen, 24.93 pts -- started by Ant
K: Stephen Gostkowski, 17.00 pts -- started by Bob
DEF: Arizona, 34.00 pts -- started by Jeff
D: Tyrann Mathieu, 13.50 pts -- on the wire

Thiiiiiiis close to our first perfect week of the season, with all but the elusive defensive player started by our teams this week. Minus Gostkowski (whose name I hate having to look up over and over), our top performers racked up 15 TDs on Sunday and Monday, lead by Rodgers’ disgusting 5 TD passes in the Monday night dismantling of Kansas City.


“Getting defensive” edition

2nd place: Dallas, -5.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Kansas City, -5.00 pts -- on my bench
1st place: Miami, -6.00 pts -- on Dad’s bench

And with all those TDs on the offensive side, somebody had to suffer. Dallas and Kansas City each managed one sack on Sunday amid all their ineptitude to escape the lowest fantasy score possible, but Miami wasn’t so lucky: 41 pts allowed, no sacks, no turnovers, no success. It’s tough to have a worse day than the Jaguars, who allowed 51 pts in their loss, but the Dolphins found a way.


** ESPN listed three keys for the Auburn Tigers to win their game against Mississippi State on Saturday. #3? “On defense, tackle somebody.”

That might be glib and funny if the first two weren’t ridiculously specific: “7+ explosive plays on offense” and “an offensive pace of 70+ plays.” None of it mattered, as the Tigers lost despite a decent defensive effort, 17-9.

** The University of Virginia is having a rough football season, but the announcers this week pointed out that they’ve been successful in a lot of other sports. “The Cavaliers this year were champions in soccer. In tennis. In baseball. In Omaha.”

The important thing to remember here is this section is the stupidest thing I heard this week, because I’m sure if it was written, the last bit would have said “In baseball (in Omaha, where the championship game was held.)” But that sure ain’t what it sounded like. It sounded like we’re playing competitive Omaha now, which I assume means tossing steaks or something.

Since there was some ambiguity this week as to the proper way to build camaraderie and teamwork in sports, here are a few general rules:

** If a teammate makes a mistake, point it out in a constructive and calm manner. Do not choke him.

** If a teammate responds angrily to your comments, reply in a firm but respectful tone. Do not choke him.

** If coaches are presenting alternative advice, listen to their suggestions and ideas. Do not choke your teammate.

** Never be on a team with Jonathan Papelbon.


Rookie lineman La'el Collins made his NFL debut on Sunday during Dallas’ collapse at the hands of the Falcons, gaining mixed reviews for his work. But his anagram game is already strong. Consider:

OG La'el Collins
** No logical sell

Not a bad start, but what does he think of his teammates?

OG La'el Collins
** Ills gone local

OK, but this is the professional den of evil. What’s the worst thing that he can bring to the Cowboys?

OG La'el Collins
** Illegal colons

That’ll do, rookie. That’ll do.


** Ha! Picked up two games on Dad this week, bringing me even with him for the season. It should have been three, but he would not commit to forsaking the Eagles this week, even though he "knew" they were going to lose. I hope his visit to (near?) the Pope straightened him out now.

** Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger went down with a knee injury Sunday, meaning that the starter for Pittsburgh for the next will be ... Drumroll please ... Former Eagles/Falcons/Jets/state correctional facility QB Mike Vick. You know you missed him. Be sure to watch for errant passes if you’re near the stadium next week.

** FYI, the Eagles are still technically in last place, with tiebreakers. The Giants are 1-2 with a 1-0 division record, the Racial Slurs are 1-2 with a 0-1 division record and a 1-1 conference record, and the Eagles are 1-2 with a 0-1 division record and a 0-2 conference record. So …

Week 3 standings

1 -- king hippo (Sam) -- 425.54 pts
2 -- Lake Weed Monsters (Dad) -- 425.50 pts
3 -- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) -- 407.03 pts
4 -- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) -- 383.57 pts
5 -- 1.21 Chip-a-watts (Ant) -- 375.93 pts
6 -- Clinton's Email (Jim) -- 369.34 pts
7 -- Cosby's Sleepers (Mike) -- 336.85 pts
8 -- Yelp for help (Mom Doyle) -- 330.70 pts
9 -- Bethlehem Moravians (Bob) -- 328.86 pts
10 -- Heap Big Chief Reid (Joel) -- 310.22 pts
11 -- Eat Drink & D Murray (Capt Awesome) -- 307.01 pts
12 -- May Pay Attention (Paul) -- 269.34 pts

Good weeks for Joanner and Ant to climb back up near the top of the heap, but Dad and Sam are starting to put some distance between them and the rest of the pack. Meanwhile, Paul is in danger of stopping paying attention, and only about one-third of my team is any good. So I’m pretty much the Eagles. All I need is for your top players to go down and I’m right back in the mix for the division title.