Fantasy league 2014 -- week 8 recap

The NFL played its second game in London this year, the 16th contest in league history to be played outside the United States. But so far all of them have been played in London or Toronto. If American football is really going to expand its fan base, here’s some other locations to consider:

** Berlin: The Germans kept NFL Europe alive almost single-handedly for eight years. Besides, it’s only a matter of time before Ford Field in Detroit is renamed after a German car company.
** Rio De Janeiro: Brazil got the World Cup and the Olympics. Might as well give them the Super Bowl too.
** Los Angeles: Instead of threatening to move teams there all the time, make the locals watch a Jaguars game and see how much they really want their own expansion disaster.
** Baghdad: At least it would stop all the war metaphors for one week…
** Sydney: Australian rules players are always trying to come to the US to play in the pros. And why not see how American players perform on an upside-down field?
** Oakland: At some point, they should have a professional football team visit there.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 56.78 pts -- on Paul’s bench
WR: Jeremy Maclin, 37.97 pts -- started by Mike
RB: Arian Foster, 38.57 pts -- started by Bobert
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 36.93 pts -- started by Ant
K: (tie) Stephen Gostkowski, 15.00 pts -- started by me
K: (tie) Dan Carpenter, 15.00 pts -- started by Joel
K: (tie) Justin Tucker, 15.00 pts -- started by Sam
DEF: Miami, 32.00 pts -- started by me
D: Anthony Barr, 16.50 pts -- on the wire

In Roethlisberger’s first seven games he averaged just under 18 pts. His six-TD performance on Sunday was more than three times that in fantasy points, and game him the highest individual fantasy total in the league since … dammit, you’re gonna make me look something up this week, aren’t you. Hold on.

...

...

Roethlisberger’s 56.78 pts performance is the highest in league history since Mike Vick's ridiculous six-TD, 333 passing and 80 rushing, 57.37-point performance back in November 2010. I believe that was the only game of Vick’s career where he didn’t turn over the ball at least once.

“Terrible QBs” edition
3rd place: Matt Flynn, -1.18 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Matt Schaub, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Geno Smith, -3.30 pts -- on the wire

Just how bad was Geno Smith this week? He had more completions to the Bills (3 INTs) than to the Jets (two completions). The defense had more interception return yards (39) than he had passing yards (5). His QB rating was 0.00 -- throwing the ball into the ground once gets you a rating of 39.6.

My favorite stat is the reverse QB rating. If you assume Smith was playing for the Bills, and that he thought the Bills defensive backs were actually his wideouts, then his QB rating was 14.1. That’s terrible, but it’s still 14.1 pts higher than his rating for the Jets.

But perhaps most damning of all? The Jets decided to bench Smith for Mike Vick, because they wanted to limit their turnovers. When you’re looking to Vick for ball security, you’ve reached epically high levels of incompetence.


Chip Kelly made a terrible coaching call on Sunday, then somehow made it worse by explaining his logic.

With the score tied late in the fourth, the Eagles faced third and inches at the one-yard line. Kelly put QB Nick Foles in the shotgun, had him hand off to RB LeSean McCoy three yards deep and watched him get tackled for a one-yard loss. When asked after the game why he didn’t try a QB sneak, his answer was immediate:

“Yeah, I tried that against Dallas last year and it got shoved up our tails so I wasn't going to run that again."

That’s it? One time one play fails, and it’s done?

If that’s the case, why did the Eagles keep running that damn swing pass five yards behind the line of scrimmage when it never picked up anything all afternoon?

Tom Brady and Peyton Manning square off against each other on Sunday for the 16th time in their careers. Here’s a look at their epic rivalry by the numbers:

Head to head wins: Manning has five, Brady has 10
Super Bowls: Manning has one, Brady has three
Teams: Manning has played for two, Brady has played for one
Commercials: Manning has starred in 1700, and Brady deserves a punch in the face.
Contracts: Manning has more money than Papa John, and Brady would look great with a gold anvil dropped on his head.
Neck injuries: Manning is a walking bobblehead, and Brady’s vacant stare shows he has no soul.
MVP awards: Manning has I don’t care, and Brady has Shut up already.
ESPN air time: Manning can claim residency on the station, and Brady is the father of the network’s children.

It’s the best rivalry in the NFL, as long as you don’t consider rivalries that matter.


We haven’t checked in with the Dallas rookies in a few weeks, so let’s see what we can learn about new Cowboys defensive back Tyler Patmon from his name:

Tyler Patmon
** Amply Rotten

That just seems too easy. These anagrams are supposed to be about finding a hidden message, not an obvious one. Lets go again:

Tyler Patmon
** Mr. Lean Potty

Really, a bathroom joke? Aren’t we above that here. Let’s try again:

Tyler Patmon
** Panty Molter

Ew. I’m not even sure what … no. Go again.

Tyler Patmon
** Matronly Pet

That just doesn’t make sense. Can a pet be matronly? If so, is that bad? I’d think a pet with motherly instincts would be…

Tyler Patmon
** My Rotten Pal

You know what? Fine. That’s fine. Just leave it there.


** Dad is up five in the weekly picks and I’ve got nothing. Over the last three weeks I’ve dropped two one-point games and one overtime contest. I can’t get closer to right without accidentally winning one.

** Mike Vick is starting for the Jets next week. In other news, gawd, Mike Vick? Still? Why wasn’t he thrown away with the garbage yet?

** The first look at the college football playoff ranking is out tonight, and the whole thing is still complete BS.

Week 8 standings

1 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 1125.54 pts
2 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 1103.80 pts
3 --- Tickle me Romo --- 1094.74 pts
4 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 1072.55 pts
5 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 1063.93 pts
6 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 1060.50 pts
7 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 1029.90 pts
8 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 1011.88 pts
9 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 937.85 pts
10 --- king hippo --- 908.69 pts
11 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 839.60 pts

It took half the season, but someone finally ended my reign of terror. Mike’s team fell 0.62 pts short of a legendary 200-point total this weekend, and jumped into the lead by a healthy margin. And Jim snuck up above both Leos in the standings with his less-impressive-but-still-more-than-you 186-point performance.

Good week all around, as everyone but Paul scored at least 100 pts. And Paul still has his health, so I hope that’s enough, because he’s really far behind right now.

Next week, half of Mike’s squad is on a bye, so don’t get too comfortable with his name up there. If you’re looking for a QB to start, I hear Mike Vick is available…

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 7 recap

A week off for the Eagles doesn’t mean a week of inactivity. Here’s a look at what some of the team did during their bye week:

-- Nick Foles: Threw two INTs but still somehow won the bye week.
-- Cary Williams: Complained about how tiring the off-week schedule is.
-- Chip Kelly: Practiced his speed reading.
-- Cody Parkey: Got paid for his time off, unlike Alex Henery.
-- LeSean McCoy: Went searching for an offensive line.
-- Zach Ertz: Ertzed.
-- Trent Cole: Still didn’t give up any TDs to the Giants this year.

QB: Russell Wilson, 41.12 pts -- started by Jo
WR: Demaryius Thomas, 31.40 pts -- started by Jeff
RB: Matt Forte, 27.40 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Gavin Escobar, 19.33 pts -- on the wire
K: Nick Folk, 15.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Baltimore, 19.00 pts -- on Joel’s bench
D: Everson Griffen, 11.50 pts -- on the wire

Wilson became the first QB in NFL history to throw for 300 yards and run for 100 yards in a game. And he lost. The moral of this story is that life isn’t fair.


“Defenses we started” edition
3rd place: Seattle, -1.00 pts -- started by Joel
1st place (tie): Carolina, -4.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place (tie): San Francisco, -4.00 pts -- started by Ant

Seriously, we should all just bench our defenses. Bob was the only two coach to pick up double-digit points from his team defense, and he only got 11. And I can’t remember the last week where someone in the league didn’t lose points by starting a defense. And I’m not going to check. That’s waaaay too much work.


Ugh. Just everything about Peyton breaking the record on Sunday was unbearable.

Before Manning broke the career TD passing mark (509, a number that Drew Brees will hit in four more years), Al Michaels called it “the greatest record in all of football.” I’d put it just above the single season rushing and receiving TD records, but honestly I remember the yardage leaders more in all three categories. At any rate, it’s a great record, but we’re not talking baseball’s all-time HR record, a figure that even casual fans has some awareness about.

Chris Collingsworth said the players on the field were clearly antsy “to see who would enter the record books with Peyton.” Quick quiz -- who caught Brett Farve’s record-breaking TD pass? If you answered “who cares,” you’re right. And for posterity, “who cares” also caught Peyton’s record TD pass. What a career for good old number something.

At halftime, Bob Costas started the studio show by notifying viewers that Peyton Manning had broken the all-time passing TD mark, in case you woke up from a coma in the previous five minutes.

And then the second half may or may not have happened, because Peyton Manning.

The Rams beat the Seahawks this week.
The Eagles beat the Rams two weeks ago.
The 49ers beat the Eagles last month.
The Broncos beat the 49ers on Sunday.
The Seahawks beat the Broncos last month.
The Rams beat the Seahawks this week.
The Vikings beat the Rams last month.
The Bills beat the Vikings on Sunday.
The Chargers beat the Bills last month.
The Chiefs beat the Chargers on Sunday.
The Titans beat the Chiefs last month.
The Cowboys beat the Titans last month.
The 49ers beat the Cowboys last month.
The Cardinals beat the 49ers last month.
The Broncos beat the Cardinals three weeks ago.
The Seahawks beat the Broncos last month.
The Rams beat the Seahawks this week.

And everybody but the Raiders has a win.


On Sunday, Cowboys RB DeMarco Murray set a new NFL record with his seventh consecutive 100-yard game to start the season. He also logged his 187th rushing attempt of the year, putting him 60 ahead of the next closest RB and on pace to break the single-season record of 416 rushes. Can his body withstand the punishment?

Short answer: no.
Long answer:

Dallas Cowboys Starting RB DeMarco Murray
** Brow scar: All da carrys may ground me to bits

Forgive him for misspelling “carries” -- the guy is already exhausted.


** Went 1-2 against Dad this week, losing both games by one-point. I am the king of moral victories. I’m also down three on the season to the Peyton Manning apologist.

** Thursday night game this week features the Chargers playing the Broncos. Who will catch Manning’s record-setting 511th TD pass????

Week 7 standings

1 --- Tickle me Romo --- 960.38 pts
2 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 941.29 pts
3 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 926.16 pts
4 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 919.02 pts
5 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 918.09 pts
6 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 906.57 pts
7 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 906.35 pts
8 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 881.03 pts
9 --- king hippo --- 796.72 pts
10 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 786.81 pts
11 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 749.91 pts

Dad’s three up in our weekly picks but just 19 pts behind me in the Awesome Cup standings. Credit St. Peyton’s big Sunday night and a healthy stable of RBs with his rise. Seventh place is less than 55 pts behind. Much like the NFL, there are no really good teams out there, just a bunch of half-decent ones.

Unlike the NFL, though, our league doesn’t hate you enough to put games on Thursday nights.

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 6 recap

Late last week, Giants DE Jason Pierre-Paul said the 4-1 Eagles “could easily be 0-4” on the season. Given his math challenges, it’s worth studying Philly’s big 27-0 drubbing of New Jersey on Sunday a little closer:

** It has been more than a year since the Giants last scored a TD against the Eagles (Oct. 6, 2013, in a 36-21 loss to Philly).

** The Giants had more team season-ending injuries (one) than team points (zero) on Sunday.

** The Giants offense traveled the length of the field two and a half times on Sunday (253 yards of offense) but never found the end zone.

** If the Giants had played any other team on any other week and produced the same offensive totals, they would have lost to all of them except their New Jersey brethren. The Jets were left without a score in a week five loss to the Chargers, the only other NFL shutout this season.

** Contrary to Giants’ team predictions, the Eagles outscored the Giants by 27 points.

Pierre-Paul finished the game with zero sacks and four tackles, so maybe that’s the 0-4 he was thinking about.

QB: Joe Flacco, 42.24 pts -- on Bobert’s bench
WR: TY Hilton, 29.87 pts -- started by Dad
RB: Matt Forte, 35.13 pts -- started by Mike
TE: Jace Amaro, 20.53 pts -- on the waiver wire
K: Stephen Gostkowski, 17.00 pts -- started by me
DEF: Philadelphia, 25.00 pts -- started by Ant
D: JJ Watt, 15.50 pts -- started by Bobert

Houston DE JJ Watt has three TDs on the year (two defensive scores, one receiving TD). That’s more touchdowns than LeVeon Bell, Andre Ellington, Adrian Peterson, Montee Ball, Ryan Matthews, or LeSean McCoy … all RBs taken in the first two rounds of most fantasy drafts.

And kudos to Anthony, who finally grabbed the surging Philly defense and put it to good use this week. For the season, the Eagles are the #1 fantasy defense with 109 pts (27 pts more than second place). In reality, they’re the 22nd-best in points allowed. So, yay fantasy football.

“Playing defense stinks” edition
3rd place: Carolina, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place (tie): Cincinnati, -4.00 pts -- on my bench
1st place (tie): Buffalo, -4.00 pts -- on Dad’s bench

Defenses kinda suck this year. I’m beginning to think that starting the Eagles on their bye week might be a viable strategy, because at least they won't cost you any points.


Bounty is selling NFL paper towels. Not with team mascots or anything, just the NFL logo and yard markers. From their press release:

Much like the unpredictability of the football season, spills can happen at any time. But that doesn’t mean a flag should be thrown on your fun. Whether you’re tailgating at the stadium or carrying your team spirit home, with strength and absorbency packed into each sheet, Bounty NFL Prints leave you with one less worry as you prep for the game or clean up after it.

I’m sorry for making you read that.

Also, with all due respect to pro football, when I think of people who know how to handle domestic messes, the NFL is currently at the bottom of the list. Just saying.

\Washington fans are still mourning the Natinals early exit from the MLB playoffs this year, lamenting the “DC curse” that has left them with the longest championship drought of any of the four-pro-sports cities. Among the many problems with that statement (Minnesota’s drought is actually three months longer) is the fact that DC became a four-pro-sports city within the last decade, muting some of their pain and suffering. In an effort to accurately gauge where they are on the championship drought list, here’s a look at the cities that have waited the longest by sports seasons:

1 -- Cleveland (NFL champs in 1964)
143 seasons: 47 NFL, 50 MLB, 2 NHL, 44 NBA
The reigning suffering champs. No one else is even close to the number of unsuccessful sports seasons they’ve suffered through without a crown.

2 -- San Diego (AFL champs in 1963)
101 seasons: 50 NFL, 44 MLB, 7 NBA
No hockey team, but plenty of unfulfilled dreams out in San Diego. You could argue their drought goes further back, since an AFL crown isn’t a major championship today. But they count it, so we do too.

3 -- Buffalo (AFL champs in 1965)
97 seasons: 48 NFL, 41 NHL, 8 NBA
Another AFL championship. But you could argue losing four Super Bowls and one Stanley Cup Finals in the 90s earns them a little higher complaining rights.

4 -- Milwaukee (NBA champs in 1971)
84 seasons: 42 MLB, 42 NBA
The Packers play 100 miles away from Green Bay, so they technically aren’t a Milwaukee team. But you know these fans all root for them, so their drought is really more like 6 or 7 seasons.

5 -- Minneapolis (MLB champs in 1991)
80 seasons: 21 MLB, 21 NFL, 15 NHL, 23 NBA
And none of their teams look like they’re getting close to a championship soon. Ouch.

6 -- Washington DC (NFL champs in 1991)
76 seasons: 21 NFL, 10 MLB, 22 NHL, 23 NBA
Fun fact: The Nationals have never won a postseason series, but they still thought they were the favorites to win the World Series this year.

Oakland (67 seasons) and Atlanta (66 seasons) are just a hair behind, and the Royals have a chance to end Kansas City’s 57-season championship drought (All NFL and MLB seasons there). Houston rounds out the top 10, with 53 seasons of no rings.

For the record, Philly’s 25-year championship drought equated to 99 seasons of disappointment, broken by the 2008 Phillies. Not to say that DC fans have little right to whine, but keep it in a little perspective. You’re still not close to Cleveland.

The Cowboys upset the Seahawks this week, setting off another round of “Dallas is back!” news stories from the insipid sports media. Because, clearly, early season success always means late season heroics too. But, don’t take my word for it. Just look at what those recent victories spell out:

Dallas’ impressive September/October win streak
** Valiant pep work. Bitter smear is December losses.

Remember -- Dallas has had a chance to get into the postseason each of the last four years with a win in their regular season finale. And they’ve lost every one.


** Dad picked up another one on me this weekend, because Pittsburg always beats Cleveland except when I pick the Steelers to win easy. Also, I’m just giving up on picking the Bears.

** The Jets on the season so far have 183 more yards of offense (1,820 yds) than on punts (1,637 yds). I was gonna do something with that, but making fun of the Jets is like picking on a guy in a wheelchair. Yeah, it’s fun, but he might run over your toe with one of his wheels.

** This just in: The Giants still haven’t scored any points against the Eagles.

Week 6 standings

1 --- Tickle me Romo --- 842.09 pts
2 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 806.80 pts
3 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 799.56 pts
4 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 793.52 pts
5 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 790.75 pts
6 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 780.98 pts
7 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 767.88 pts
8 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 762.61 pts
9 --- king hippo --- 712.12 pts
10 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 674.33 pts
11 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 666.07 pts

If not for Colin Kaepernick’s big night on Monday, my lead would have been whittled down to a Vegas point spread. Jim’s gigantic week (191 pts) and Bob’s impressive performance (179 pts) put them both within 50 pts of the top spot. And Jeff just keeps hanging around.

If the playoffs were to start today … well, we’d all be pretty pissed off, because less than half the season is over. I mean, that would be an absurdly short season.

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 5 recap

National news covering the baseball playoffs (poorly) started talking this week about Kansas City fans getting “Royal fever,” which sounds like it could be an actual deadly disease. But it could be worse -- here’s a look at some of the catch phrases for other cities the powers-that-be tried out:

-- Baltimore has Bird Flu! (Orioles)
-- San Francisco has Gigantism! (Giants)
-- DC has Red Hot Nads! (Nationals)
-- New York has no one in the playoffs! (New York)
-- St. Louis has Scarlet Fever! (Cardinals)
-- Anahiem is high on Angel Dust! (Angels)
-- Texas has Ebola! (True news story)

QB:Peyton Manning, 39.46 pts -- started by Dad
WR:Demaryius Thomas, 35.07 pts -- started by Jeff
RB:Branden Oliver, 31.93 pts -- on the wire
TE:Greg Olsen, 22.80 pts -- started by Dad
K:Stephen Gostkowski, 21.00 pts -- started by me
DEF:Philadelphia, 25.00 pts -- on the wire
D:Danny Lansanah, 12.50 pts -- on the wire

Yeah, yeah, Peyton Manning, blah blah blah.

I’d usually have more to write about the top performers this week, but I used up all my a’s and n’s on Danny Lansanah up there, so …

“Comeuppance” edition
3rd place:Matt Flynn, -1.22 pts -- on the wire
2nd place:Griff Whalen, -1.36 pts -- on the wire
1st place:Cincinnati, -5.00 pts -- started by me

Well, that’s what I get for making fun of all y’all starting the wrong defenses the last two weeks. Picking the Bengals over the Chargers cost me 26 pts this week, after the NFC North leaders decided to roll over an die for Tom Brady and his crew.

But, on the bright side, my name isn’t Griff Whalen.


I’m a week behind on this, but Natinals OF Bryce Harper was at it again last night, so…

In an interview with the Washington Post last week, Harper was asked why he can’t seem to keep his helmet on when he runs the basepaths. The answer is because he thinks his hair is too beautiful, but here’s what he said instead:

”Everybody always talks to me, you need to get a chin strap, or a littler helmet. I’ve tried a 7, I’ve tried a 7 1/8, I’ve tried a 7 3/4. I’ve tried every helmet in the league, I swear.”

I’ve got an idea -- Maybe try a smaller size instead of larger and larger ones? It’s hard for me to believe you don’t have an inflated head, but it’s worth a try.

All in all, you didn’t have a good weekend as an NFL QB. Your zero completions, zero TDs and zero INTs give you a QB rating of 39.6, far below what the top pro passers post every weekend. But fear not -- some multi-million NFL stars were even worse than you:

** Geno Smith -- Before being benched, the Jets signal caller threw for only 27 yards on 12 attempts and tossed one INT, giving him a QB rating of 7.6. When Mike Vick comes in, throws for 47 yards and is clearly the better choice at QB, you know you had an awful day.

** Anquan Boldin -- The 49ers wideout wiffed on his only pass attempt of the year, a trick play that fell incomplete during Sunday’s game. He actually had the same QB rating as you, 39.6, but he got paid a lot more for it.

** Matt Flynn -- The Green Bay backup was the lone black cloud in the Packer’s big win over Minnesota, throwing an INT an a mere 22 yards in five attempts. That’s a 30.8 QB rating, just a little below the 137.8 rating posted by starter Aaron Rodgers.

** Alex Henery -- OK, the former Eagles kicker didn’t throw any passes on Sunday. But going 0 for three in FGs is just like throwing the game, so I wanted to include him on the list.


Every week that I pull these anagrams together, I wonder how much you all believe these are forced missives or honest themes that expose the evil inside every Dallas player. What I don’t doubt is the amount the Cowboys’ team despises them for exposing their true nature. And this year, as I’ve looked over their new players’ names, the sinister nature of their denial has become more apparent than ever. Consider:

Dallas Cowboys rookie right guard Zack Edward Martin
** Anagrams lack truth. A wild raid, I yuk. Words be zero good.

That’s right -- the anagrams are becoming self aware. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

** Dad and I split the weekly picks, leaving him plus-one for the season so far.

True story -- I picked Chicago over Carolina and said, “I’m picking the Bears, because I know they’re better, but Chicago always finds a way to lose. And I don’t understand how, so I keep picking them.” After leading 21-7 early, Carolina clawed back. With four minutes left and the game tied, the Bears fumbled the ball and gave up the losing touchdown.

So, yeah.

** College football this week: The #2, #3, #4, #6 and #8 teams lost this weekend. But Ohio State still has no shot at the national championship, so who cares.

** Thursday night game this week, because the NFL hates you.

Week 5 standings

1 -- Tickle me Romo -- 707.50 pts
2 -- Blue Collar Killers -- 685.27 pts
3 -- Stewie Griffins Head -- 648.84 pts
4 -- Ouch My Zach Ertz -- 646.18 pts
5 -- Gettin' Chippy -- 636.12 pts
6 -- The Maltese Falcons -- 614.14 pts
7 -- Sheldon's Big Money -- 607.09 pts
8 -- Show Me Your TDs -- 603.15 pts
9 -- king hippo -- 576.30 pts
10 -- I Mildly Like WRs -- 567.92 pts
11 -- Car full of Clowneys -- 560.66 pts

Peyton Manning’s 500th career TD pass helped vault Dad up to the medals podium this week, but it wasn’t enough to change the gold and silver standings. Meanwhile, Sam crawled out of 10th for the first time in a while, and Mike is apparently still in the league.

Time is ticking, folks. Start picking up points.

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 4 recap

 

The 2014 MLB season wrapped up on Sunday (no, I’m pretty sure they cancelled the playoffs this year) so let’s look back fondly on the highlights of the campaign:

** Remember May 4, when the Phillies were 15-14 … the last time the Phillies were above .500 for the year?
** Remember how Cole Hamels posted the lowest ERA of his career (2.46) and still only finished 9-9 because the offense was AWOL all year?
** Remember when Chase Utley made the All-Star game, because he was the only Phillie still trying in June?
** Remember when Marlon Byrd got hot in July so the front office traded him for … nevermind, they held onto him so the team could get older.
** Remember when Ryan Howard hit a HR in the last game of the season and everyone said in unison, “That’s probably his last one in a Phillies uniform” even though nobody else wants him?
** Remember when the Phillies lost 3-2 to the Nationals on Sept. 7 and you didn’t care because the Eagles beat the Jaguars that day?

Ahhh, the memories.

QB: Eli Manning, 40.10 pts -- on the wire
WR: Jordy Nelson, 29.20 pts -- started by Ant
RB: Jamaal Charles, 31.27 pts -- started by Joel
TE: Larry Donnell, 28.60 pts -- on the wire
K: Blair Walsh, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Philadelphia, 29.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Husain Abdullah, 13.50 pts -- on the wire

Eli. Freaking. Manning. The Washington dolts should be ashamed of themselves for giving up five TDs to The New Jersey Turnover Pike (that nickname is trademarked, by the way).

Bang up job on the top performers this week -- As a league we managed to start none of the top four defenses, none of the top three defensive players, and only two of the top six kickers. And we missed on Eli Manning’s 40-plus pts. Eli. Freaking. Manning.

“More bad defenses” edition
3rd place:New Orleans, -5.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place (tie):Atlanta, -6.00 pts -- started by Paul
1st place (tie):Carolina, -6.00 pts -- on Sam’s bench

Remember last week, when I made fun of most of our league for starting the wrong defenses? Apparently some of you took that as a personal challenge. Seven defenses were worth negative points this week, and we started three of them: Paul, with the absolute lowest possible defensive score; Mike, getting -4.00 pts out of New England; and Bob, getting -1.00 pts out of Chicago. If only Sam hadn’t screwed up by starting Pittsburgh and getting 4.00 whole pts...



Here’s Andy Reid’s strategy for his Kansas City Chefs at the end of the first half of Monday night football, with his team up 14, 1:10 left with two timeouts, and the ball 20 yards from the end zone:

1st down: Swing pass at the line of scrimmage, no gain.
Then wait 30 seconds to call a timeout, wasting half a minute.
2nd down: Five-yard pass across the middle, tackled in bounds.
Then wait 20 more seconds and burn the last timeout.
3rd down: Pass to the one-yard line, WR tackled, time expires.

It’s good to know that even in his new address, Andy still has unbelievably bad time management skills. A defensive penalty on that third down ended up giving the Chefs another chance at a FG and a 17-point lead, but it was not deserved. If anything, they should have lost points for blatant incompetence.

Bonus anagram time! G filed a special anagram this week, asking for a look at the QB controversy brewing down here in DC. And I aim to please:

Washington QB debate: start Robert Griffin III or Kirk Cousins?
** It's king SOB or fart bistro. Neither faker can win. I quit. Go birds.

I can’t tell you how proud I am of that.

Defying expectations, the Cowboys have started the season 3-1, tied for first place. But don’t worry about that continuing. Even after grabbing two TDs on Saturday, Dallas’ #2 WR shows how little faith he has in the team’s future:

Starting Dallas wideout Terrance Williams
** Real glum: Data is clear, wins won’t last. I tried.

Frankly, that doesn’t make me glum at all.


** I don’t know how I forgot that Steve Smith was playing against his old team this weekend, but two touchdowns and a thorough beat down of the Panthers later, I’m down one game to Dad again. For the record, we’re both just a hair over .500 for the season (he’s 33-28, I’m 32-29).

** I was going to do a lengthy write up of Delaware’s thrilling overtime win over James Madison on Saturday night, but I know you all were riveted to the TV, so there isn’t anything new to say.

** Eli. Freaking. Manning. He has 21 TDs and 28 INTs against teams other than Washington since the start of 2013, 6 TDs and 3 INTs (and three wins) against Washington. Because Washington stinks.
Week 4 standings

1 --- Tickle me Romo --- 587.47 pts
2 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 536.83 pts
3 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 507.84 pts
4 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 507.51 pts
5 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 499.57 pts
6 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 496.99 pts
7 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 493.94 pts
8 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 487.97 pts
9 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 453.50 pts
10 --- king hippo --- 447.74 pts
11 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 446.35 pts

We’re one quarter into the season, and we’re only had one league leader so far. And my lead is getting larger and larger, despite the six players I had on bye this week. So my team will only be stronger from here on out. And yours will be weak, weak like the Jaguars playing in London.

Props to Jeff, who is holding onto second place with his annual strategy of making no replacement moves. It’s the Rumsfeldian approach to coaching -- you go to battle with the team you drafted, not the team you want (or could easily change).

However, the difference between first and eighth place is still less than 100 pts, so the Awesome Cup is still up for grabs. So don’t forget about the byes this week. How you’ll make due without your Oakland Raiders stars, I’m not sure.

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 3 recap

Actual facts from the Eagles’ win Sunday that make you wonder if they actually won that game:

** Nick Foles had a pathetic 4 yds passing in the first quarter of the game on Sunday. The Eagles offense had the ball for 2 mins, 9 seconds in that quarter.
** The Eagles lost two offensive lineman and their top RB during the course of the game, and totaled only 54 rushing yards for the day.
** The Eagles were down 10 points for the third game in a row.
** The Philly defense allowed two 100-yard WRs, 76 offensive plays and 511 yards of offense to the DC opponents.
** Nick Foles was actually killed twice on the field by hits from defensive linemen.

So, if the Niners jump out to a 21-0 lead on Sunday … that means the birds will be 4-0? Maybe?

QB: Andrew Luck, 40.30 pts -- started by Jim
WR: Julio Jones, 32.23 pts -- started by Jo
RB: Marshawn Lynch, 26.47 pts -- started by me
TE: Martellus Bennett, 20.60 pts -- sitting on my bench
K: Adam Vinatieri, 16.00 pts -- started by Paul
DEF: Atlanta, 31.00 pts -- sitting on Paul’s bench
D: Bruce Carter, 13.00 pts -- on the wire

Three of the top five fantasy WRs (Garcon, Maclin and Matthews) and two of the top three fantasy QBs (Cousins and Foles) came from Sunday’s Eagles game. DeSean Jackson? Good game in his return, but only good enough to be the 12th best wideout this week. But he did get away with the most uncalled cheap shots, so he has that going for him.

“Craptastic” edition

3rd place: Jalen Saunders, -1.50 pts -- on the wire
1st place (tie): Jacksonville, -4.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place (tie): Washington, -4.00 pts -- on the wire

Of course, the trade off to all those big offensive numbers is that the DC defense was an awful, awful fantasy play...

Worth noting: Of the 10 worst defenses this week, we started five of them. Combined, Dad (Baltimore), Paul (Buffalo), Ant (San Fran), Houston (Jeff), and Sam (Carolina) scored 15 pts with those bums, while Joanna scored 22 pts with her Detroit defense alone.


Joe Buck, at the start of the Eagles game Sunday: “It could not be more perfect weather here in Philadelphia.”

Display on the screen: “76 degrees, partly cloudy.”

It does not surprise me to learn that Joe Buck’s version of a clear sky is one that is not clear.

Here’s a look at the players you should have drafted for your college football fantasy league, based on this weekend’s performances:

** QB: Taylor Heinicke, Old Dominion -- 56.8 fantasy pts
(430 passing yds, 5 TDs; 36 rushing yds, 1 TD)
** RB: Melvin Gordon, Wisconsin -- 56.6 fantasy pts
(253 rushing yds, 5 TDs; 1 catch, 5 yds)
** WR: Cayleb Jones, Arizona -- 43.4 fantasy pts
(13 catches for 186 yds, 3 TDs)
** DEF: Temple -- 48 fantasy pts
(Zero pts allowed, 3 sacks, 4 turnovers, 3 return TDs, 1 punt block)

I actually found the kicker point totals too, but they were pretty boring. Besides, if you started these four players, you’d have a 200-plus pts week already.


Left for dead by many pundits, the Dallas Cowboys find themselves in second place early in the season. It’s a good start but can it last?
Short answer: no.
Long answer: Well, the name of the team’s new DT doesn’t think so:

Dallas Cowboys free agent defensive tackle Terrell McClain
Gym tent fleecers: Second is twice above real rank. Fall called.

You’d think with all that money, the Cowboys could work out in a real practice facility and not a gym tent. Maybe it has something to do with harnessing their evil.


** Posted an impressive 12-4 record in the picks this week, two better than Dad and leaving us even for the yearly standings. I’d like to thank the Bears for not blowing that Monday night game despite really trying.

** For the record, the Eagles have led for 4 mins 39 seconds of their 90 mins of first half play so far this year. That’s … not good. But they’ve had the lead for all three of the final seconds of those games.

** Six teams on a bye this week plus a Thursday night game means that on Sunday there will be … two games? Three games?

Week 3 standings

1 --- Tickle me Romo --- 429.16 pts
2 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 415.09 pts
3 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 394.59 pts
4 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 386.28 pts
5 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 382.55 pts
6 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 375.64 pts
7 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 374.93 pts
8 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 358.33 pts
9 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 341.91 pts
10 --- king hippo --- 317.20 pts
11 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 314.23 pts

I’ve got a hold of the #1 spot once again, but it’s a shrinking lead. Another good week by Jim, a 150-plus-pts performance from Joanna’s squad, and another solid result for Jeff put the top four spots in the hands of current/former Ohio residents.

Meanwhile, Sam’s 79-pts week leaves him struggling near the bottom. And everyone else? There’s only 14 weeks left to get your acts in gear…

Fantasy league 2014 -- week 2 recap

In honor of some baby news this week, here’s a look at the worst infant items available for purchase from the NFL:

Denrve Broncos skirt and pants: I know the NFL says this says “Denver” but maybe the spelling problem is just because of the concussions.
Oakland track suit: No children should be made to wear Raiders anything, unless they’re in time-out.
Dolphins glow in the dark pacifier: Give your sleeping baby that nice blue radioactive glow.
Headless 49ers onesie: The picture on the outfit is headless, not the baby, but either way it’s kind of horrifying.
Tony Romo baby jersey: Warning -- choking hazard

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 35.14 pts -- started by Bobert
WR: Jordy Nelson, 28.93 pts -- started by Ant
RB: Knile Davis, 27.63 pts -- on the wire
TE: Antonio Gates, 31.40 pts -- on Paul’s bench
K: Dan Bailey, 19.00 pts -- started by Ant
DEF: New England, 30.00 pts -- started by Mike
D: Chandler Jones, 17.00 pts -- on the wire

Second week in a row that a TE and DEF outperformed the top RB and WR. That’s either a sign of the ever-changing nature of NFL game plans, or a coincidence.

“Bottom feeders” edition
3rd place: Justin Brown, -0.60 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Miami, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Jacksonville, -3.00 pts -- on the wire

In other news, the Giants still stink. In two weeks of work, their defense is worth zero points. At this pace, they’ll … well, zero points isn’t really a pace.


Nameless ESPN reporter, talking about news that QB Robert Griffin dislocated his ankle and will be on the bench for a while:

“They still don’t know how long he’ll be out, but it was definitely good news for Washington.”

I think he was saying the severity of the injury wasn’t as bad as they feared, and he could be back sometime this year. But I like my reading better: It’s great news that he’ll miss at least some games, and hopefully he’ll never return.

Heck, that’s what the locals are saying anyways. You think Philly is the only town that can turn on a superstar for no good reason?

** At 5-6, Sproles is the second shortest active player in the NFL. The shortest is Trindon Holliday, at 5-5. There are 7 players in the league who top 6-9.
** Sproles is the second fastest player in the NFL, averaging 976 mph on his sprints. The fastest is Eli Manning, who sucks at the speed of light.
** As an infant, Sproles was 5-6 and ran at 976 mph. Only his football awareness has changed over the years.
** Seriously, did you see that TD run?
** Sproles has been let go/traded by two teams over the course of his career. Those teams are idiots.


In keeping with this week’s baby theme, I’m just gonna zero in on how much Cowboys players inherently hate kids. Consider:

Dallas Seventh-Round Rookie Nose Tackle Ken Bishop
** No honor, no peace: Evader bloke hunts, kills, eats kids

This isn’t the first kid-eating anagram I’ve discovered, and it won’t be the last. These guys really, really, really hate children.


**.Dad picked up two games in the weekly picks this week, but in fairness my picks got done while Joanna was in labor. I was a miserable 5-10 as a result. But even I wasn’t foolish enough to pick the Patriots over the Vikings like certain other parents of mine...

** Ohio State won 66-0 on Saturday and dropped one spot in the AP poll (from 22 to 23). Because Virginia Tech (their previous loss) lost to unranked East Carolina. Also, because college football rankings suck.

** My favorite headline of the weekend: Football moves up to 21 in the AP top 25. Honestly, I would have put football in the top 10 of football rankings. Still below the SEC, of course.

Week 2 standings

1 --- Tickle me Romo (Capt. Awesome) --- 295.39 pts
2 --- Blue Collar Killers (Jeff) --- 281.93 pts
3 --- Sheldon's Big Money (Jim) --- 272.96 pts
4 --- The Maltese Falcons (Bobert) --- 270.57 pts
5 --- Show Me Your TDs (Ant) --- 259.10 pts
6 --- Stewie Griffins Head (Dad) --- 254.16 pts
7 --- Gettin' Chippy (Jo) --- 241.35 pts
8 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz (Mike) --- 240.07 pts
9 --- king hippo (Sam) --- 238.18 pts
10 --- I Mildly Like WRs (Paul) --- 222.05 pts
11 --- Car full of Clowneys (Joel) --- 218.80 pts

Another week, same name atop the standings.

Several big point totals left on the bench this weekend. Paul left 47 pts on his bench, and Sam would have approached a 200-pt week if not for the 61 wasted pts on his.

Joanna left 31 pts on her bench, mostly in the form of Darren Sproles, and used the lame excuse of Sunday morning labor for her poor performance. She’ll do anything to cover up her bad coaching.