** Berlin: The Germans kept NFL Europe alive almost single-handedly for eight years. Besides, it’s only a matter of time before Ford Field in Detroit is renamed after a German car company.
** Rio De Janeiro: Brazil got the World Cup and the Olympics. Might as well give them the Super Bowl too.
** Los Angeles: Instead of threatening to move teams there all the time, make the locals watch a Jaguars game and see how much they really want their own expansion disaster.
** Baghdad: At least it would stop all the war metaphors for one week…
** Sydney: Australian rules players are always trying to come to the US to play in the pros. And why not see how American players perform on an upside-down field?
** Oakland: At some point, they should have a professional football team visit there.
QB: Ben Roethlisberger, 56.78 pts -- on Paul’s benchWR: Jeremy Maclin, 37.97 pts -- started by Mike
RB: Arian Foster, 38.57 pts -- started by Bobert
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 36.93 pts -- started by Ant
K: (tie) Stephen Gostkowski, 15.00 pts -- started by me
K: (tie) Dan Carpenter, 15.00 pts -- started by Joel
K: (tie) Justin Tucker, 15.00 pts -- started by Sam
DEF: Miami, 32.00 pts -- started by me
D: Anthony Barr, 16.50 pts -- on the wire
In Roethlisberger’s first seven games he averaged just under 18 pts. His six-TD performance on Sunday was more than three times that in fantasy points, and game him the highest individual fantasy total in the league since … dammit, you’re gonna make me look something up this week, aren’t you. Hold on.
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Roethlisberger’s 56.78 pts performance is the highest in league history since Mike Vick's ridiculous six-TD, 333 passing and 80 rushing, 57.37-point performance back in November 2010. I believe that was the only game of Vick’s career where he didn’t turn over the ball at least once.
“Terrible QBs” edition
3rd place: Matt Flynn, -1.18 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Matt Schaub, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Geno Smith, -3.30 pts -- on the wire
Just how bad was Geno Smith this week? He had more completions to the Bills (3 INTs) than to the Jets (two completions). The defense had more interception return yards (39) than he had passing yards (5). His QB rating was 0.00 -- throwing the ball into the ground once gets you a rating of 39.6.
My favorite stat is the reverse QB rating. If you assume Smith was playing for the Bills, and that he thought the Bills defensive backs were actually his wideouts, then his QB rating was 14.1. That’s terrible, but it’s still 14.1 pts higher than his rating for the Jets.
But perhaps most damning of all? The Jets decided to bench Smith for Mike Vick, because they wanted to limit their turnovers. When you’re looking to Vick for ball security, you’ve reached epically high levels of incompetence.
Chip Kelly made a terrible coaching call on Sunday, then somehow made it worse by explaining his logic.
With the score tied late in the fourth, the Eagles faced third and inches at the one-yard line. Kelly put QB Nick Foles in the shotgun, had him hand off to RB LeSean McCoy three yards deep and watched him get tackled for a one-yard loss. When asked after the game why he didn’t try a QB sneak, his answer was immediate:
“Yeah, I tried that against Dallas last year and it got shoved up our tails so I wasn't going to run that again."
That’s it? One time one play fails, and it’s done?
If that’s the case, why did the Eagles keep running that damn swing pass five yards behind the line of scrimmage when it never picked up anything all afternoon?
Head to head wins: Manning has five, Brady has 10
Super Bowls: Manning has one, Brady has three
Teams: Manning has played for two, Brady has played for one
Commercials: Manning has starred in 1700, and Brady deserves a punch in the face.
Contracts: Manning has more money than Papa John, and Brady would look great with a gold anvil dropped on his head.
Neck injuries: Manning is a walking bobblehead, and Brady’s vacant stare shows he has no soul.
MVP awards: Manning has I don’t care, and Brady has Shut up already.
ESPN air time: Manning can claim residency on the station, and Brady is the father of the network’s children.
It’s the best rivalry in the NFL, as long as you don’t consider rivalries that matter.
We haven’t checked in with the Dallas rookies in a few weeks, so let’s see what we can learn about new Cowboys defensive back Tyler Patmon from his name:
Tyler Patmon
** Amply Rotten
That just seems too easy. These anagrams are supposed to be about finding a hidden message, not an obvious one. Lets go again:
Tyler Patmon
** Mr. Lean Potty
Really, a bathroom joke? Aren’t we above that here. Let’s try again:
Tyler Patmon
** Panty Molter
Ew. I’m not even sure what … no. Go again.
Tyler Patmon
** Matronly Pet
That just doesn’t make sense. Can a pet be matronly? If so, is that bad? I’d think a pet with motherly instincts would be…
Tyler Patmon
** My Rotten Pal
You know what? Fine. That’s fine. Just leave it there.
** Dad is up five in the weekly picks and I’ve got nothing. Over the last three weeks I’ve dropped two one-point games and one overtime contest. I can’t get closer to right without accidentally winning one.
** Mike Vick is starting for the Jets next week. In other news, gawd, Mike Vick? Still? Why wasn’t he thrown away with the garbage yet?
** The first look at the college football playoff ranking is out tonight, and the whole thing is still complete BS.
Week 8 standings 1 --- Ouch My Zach Ertz --- 1125.54 pts
2 --- Sheldon's Big Money --- 1103.80 pts
3 --- Tickle me Romo --- 1094.74 pts
4 --- Stewie Griffins Head --- 1072.55 pts
5 --- The Maltese Falcons --- 1063.93 pts
6 --- Blue Collar Killers --- 1060.50 pts
7 --- Gettin' Chippy --- 1029.90 pts
8 --- Show Me Your TDs --- 1011.88 pts
9 --- Car full of Clowneys --- 937.85 pts
10 --- king hippo --- 908.69 pts
11 --- I Mildly Like WRs --- 839.60 pts
It took half the season, but someone finally ended my reign of terror. Mike’s team fell 0.62 pts short of a legendary 200-point total this weekend, and jumped into the lead by a healthy margin. And Jim snuck up above both Leos in the standings with his less-impressive-but-still-more-than-you 186-point performance.
Good week all around, as everyone but Paul scored at least 100 pts. And Paul still has his health, so I hope that’s enough, because he’s really far behind right now.
Next week, half of Mike’s squad is on a bye, so don’t get too comfortable with his name up there. If you’re looking for a QB to start, I hear Mike Vick is available…
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