2012 fantasy football -- draft order

Welcome to Fantasy Football 2012, and the fight to claim the 11th annual Awesome Cup championship. It has been a busy offseason -- The Saints got busted for illegal player bounties, Peyton Manning moved from one horse team to another, Heidi finally passed a drug test and got reinstated by the league. But it's time to put all that behind us and concentrate on what's important: judging total strangers' worth by random point totals assigned to their statistics.

This year, we've got celebrity guests helping finalize the draft order (per our long-standing draft order rules), so onto the sacred Eagles skull cap we go to pull out the first name ...

#12 -- Heidi
Fresh off her drug suspension from last year (and the second of her career), Heidi picks from the back. Alex Rodriguez, here to represent both Heidi's sports success and her controversial, tainted athletic career, shrugs his shoulders and promptly injures them.

#11 -- Ant
Last year's Awesome Cup champion pulls the second worst draft position this year. His proxy, LaDanian Tomlinson, predicts that Anthony will use the pick to draft him, even though Tomlinson retired earlier this year.

#10 -- Joanner
Taking the DeSean Jackson draft spot (get it? #10) is Joanner, represented at the draft by that Olympic gymnast who made the funny face on the podium. You know, the one all over the internet? Pretty sure her name is Mary Lou Retton. In response, she tumbles gracefully out of the room.

#9 -- Dad
Tough break for Dad, who ends up with a low draft slot despite his poor showing last year. Luckily, he can draw inspiration from his draft proxy, Dan Marino, the greatest quarterback of all-time. Marino rushes over to celebrate the news, but stops suddenly since he never rushed anywhere in his career.

#8 -- Capt. Awesome
To inspire my yet to be drafted team, I called in Hall of Fame safety Brian Dawkins to be my draft representative. Upon drawing the #8 pick, Dawk slams his hands to the ground, screams, then levels Alex Rodriguez with a vicious tackle. Everyone applauds.

#7 -- Champ Mike
Mike always drafts from the middle, so it's no surprise his stand-in is former Sixers center/power forward Elton Brand. Once someone points out that he hasn't actually retired, and now plays for the Dallas Mavericks, he politely excuses himself and flees.

#6 -- Sam
Sam slides down in the draft order three spots, picking in the middle despite finishing at the bottom last season. But that's OK -- it gives him and his draft proxy, former Steelers coach Bill Cower, something else to whine about. Cower also objects to being called for intentional grounding, then cries, then leaves.

#5 -- Joel
Joel hasn't had a lot of luck in the regular season, but he scores a coup by getting Brutus Buckeye to travel across state lines to help out with his pre-draft work. Upon being told that he's not really an athlete, Brutus slams his hands to the ground, screams, then levels Alex Rodriguez with a vicious tackle. Everyone applauds.

#4 -- Jim
Nice break for Jim in the draft order. You'd think his team would be happy, but instead Jim's representative injured RB Rashad Mendenhall launches into a rant about how the whole fantasy league is a conspiracy, how Sept. 11 was an inside job, and how President Romney will fix everything. Bad attitude for that team.

#3 -- Jeff
The Ohio portion of our program concludes with Jeff snagging the Mike Kafka spot (Get it? #3. Get it?) in the picks. Jerry Rice stopped by to stand in for Jeff, but he stormed out of the room before the pick came, complaining that no one was throwing him the ball anymore.

#2 -- Paul
So close, and yet so far for Paul, who will end up with Eagles RB Shady McCoy with his first pick and the season-long curse of having to watch the Eagles. His proxy, Carlos Ruiz, not the Phillie but the former Philadelphia Union player, appears confused as to this whole "American football" concept and gives only a half-hearted celebration.

#1 -- Bobert
It's a great year for Bob -- first he gets engaged, then a Dr. Who movie is rumored to film, then other stuff, and now this triumph. Bob's proxy, noted golfer Bob Barker, celebrates by taunting the crowd and punching me in the face. I hate that Bob Barker.

That's it, kids. The draft will take place sometime on Saturday, so get your pre-draft rankings finalized by then (and update your team names, for the love of Pete Phios. There are a lot of stale names on there). Good luck to everyone except Anthony.

Worst Eagles-themed fantasy football team names for 2012

** Obama/Babin 2012
** Call me Shady
** Foles' Errand
** Iron Mike Vick
** Schmitt Happened
** Kafka's Metamorphosis
** Asomugha and Atogwe
** My DE Vinny
** Philadelphia Eagles, 2012 Super Bowl Champions

Work in progress

Fantasy football season is looming soon...

Worst items in the 2012 Eagles catalog

1 -- New Era Zubaz cap, $24.99

Guaranteed to cause you seizures even before the Eagles make a stupid third-and-short call.

2 -- Draft Me Women's Jersey Top, $59.99

Funny, I don't remember the draft picks having to wear pink jerseys.

3 -- Snuggle Bear, $16.99

Really? It can't just be an eagle? It has to be a bear with an eagle embroidered on it?

4 -- Nike Tri Blend Tank Top, $29.99

What better gift is there than a shirt that says "The Eagles logo barfed all over me"

5 -- Yoga Mat, $24.99

It's the wrong color, has flowers on it, and has nothing to do with a football activity. But if you ignore that, it embodies everything the Eagles stand for.

Former Phils you'd still root for

For video game purposes, here's the ideal roster of the Philadelphia FormerPhillies, based on active players at the start of the season:

1B -- Jim Thome (Orioles)
2B -- Wilson Valdez (Reds)
SS -- Juan Castro (Dodgers)
3B -- Greg Dobbs (Marlins)
OF -- Jason Werth (Nationals)
OF -- Shane Victorino (Dodgers)
OF -- Raul Ibanez (Yankees)
C -- Rod Barajas (Pirates)

SP -- Brett Myers (White Sox)
SP -- J.A. Happ (Blue Jays)
SP -- Roy Oswalt (Cardinals)
SP -- Randy Wolf (Brewers)
SP -- Jamie Moyer (Rockies)

RP -- Brad Lidge (Nationals)

I'll let you fill out the rest of the bullpen yourself.

10 sports that should be in the Olympics

** 100m Platform Diving
** Full-contact Backgammon
** Synchronized Archery
** Alligator Wrestling
** Marco Polo
** Post-Modern Pentathlon
** 1m Sprint
** Keg Toss
** Mental gymnastics
** Baseball

Phillies tenure chart

With an eye toward the trade deadline, here's a look at how long Phillies on the current roster have been with the team (click to enlarge):

It wasn't that long ago, but only eight players remain on the roster from the 2008 World Series Champions team. And two of those are on the trade block right now. And one of them is Joe Blanton, against all odds.

Phillies midseason grades

An objective look at the first half performance for the team.

1st Base ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
2nd Base ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
3rd Base ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Shortstop ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Catcher ~ Grade: A
Analysis: Holy crap, Ruiz is amazing.
Outfield ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Starting pitching ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Relief pitching ~ Grade: Double F
Analysis: 14 STINKING GAMES OUT OF FIRST
Bench  ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Coaching  ~ Grade: F
Analysis: The team is 14 stinkin' games out of first.
Quarterbacks ~ Grade: F
Analysis: I'm sure this is Vick's fault somehow

Final analysis ~ Grade: D minus minus
If it weren't for Ruiz, we'd have to trade in the "Ph" on your uniforms for an "F"

Phillies All-Star credentials

Current Phillies who have made the All Star team (year in parentheses, click to enlarge):

That's 35 All-Star selections on the Phils' roster right now. Incidentally, that's one fewer than the number of wins they have through the first half of this season (36-45). 

A tribute to Charlie Manuel

Last Saturday, Charlie Manuel recorded his 900th win as a major league manager, putting him on pace to hit the coveted 1,000-win mark sometime next summer (hopefully). Here’s a look at how his managerial career stacks up in Phillies history:

-- 681 wins (most in team history)
-- Seven straight winning seasons (2nd in team history)
-- 102 wins in 2011 (most in team history)
-- Five playoff appearances (most in team history)
-- 27 post-season wins (most in team history)
-- Twice 2nd-place manager of the year (most in team history)
-- Two NL pennants (2nd in team history)
-- 1 World Series title (Tied -- most in team history)
-- 1 year having to put up with Chad Qualls (most in team history)

This season sucks so far, but it's worth a moment to thank Charlie for the great work over the last seven seasons. Best manager in team history, without question.

Now do something about Qualls already.

June so far for the Phils

The red line is the # of games above .500, the blue is the games out of first.



Ouch.

Why I’m rooting for Miami tonight

I know, I know, even typing those words out made me throw up in my mouth a little. And I know every other sports fan in America will attack me for taking this stance. But the fact is that rooting for Miami to win tonight isn’t just the right choice, it’s the only choice for a real sports fan. Consider the following:

1 -- They’re a team of fighters.

This Miami squad had to overcome serious injuries in recent weeks, but now appears to be at the top of their game. All the pundits had declared them dead, and now they’re being forced to eat their words.

2 -- They have better players

Yes, Miami got all the high-profile free agents, but there's a reason they paid for those guys. They're good. They deserve to be hailed as all-pros.

3 -- Their opponent is overrated and undeserving

Suddenly everyone in the media loves the other guys again, but I'm not buying it. Just because they're different doesn't mean they're actually the better team.

So that’s why I’ll be rooting wholeheartedly for the Miami to sweep the series when the Marlins take on the Boston Red Sox, starting tonight.

Oh, you thought I meant the Heat? Gawd no. I hope those asshats choke like dogs again this Finals.

Guess who's almost back?

Three for four with a homerun in his rehab start Monday.
I'm just saying.

Potential names for the new pet fish

Presented in descending order of likelihood:

-- Freddy Galfish

-- Finny Rollins (via Lee)

-- Donovan McCrab

-- Nemo Timonen (via G)

-- Jeremiah Trouter

-- Hector Luna aka The Big Tuna

-- Sole Hamels

-- Michael Schwimmer (via Beth G)

-- Jeremy Mackrel

-- Fish Pronger (via G)

-- Cliff Eel

-- Koi Detmer

Unhappy memories

The last time the Phillies entered June in last place of their division (a distinct possibility this year, based on their performance over the last few weeks ) was seven years ago, during the team’s first year under manger Charlie Manuel. Here’s a look at the changes in the squad since then:

Position		2012	2005
Catcher		Carlos Ruiz	Mike Liberthal
First Base		Ty Wiggington	Ryan Howard
Second Base		Freddy Galvis	Chase Utley
Shortstop		Jimmy Rollins	Jimmy Rollins
Third Base		Placido Polanco	David Bell
Right Field		Hunter Pence	Bobby Abreu
Center Field		Kenny Lofton	Shane Victorino
Left Field		Juan Pierre	Pat Burrell
#1 Pitcher		Roy Halladay	Brett Myers
#2 Pitcher		Cliff Lee	Jon Lieber
#3 Pitcher		Cole Hamels	Cory Lidle
#4 Pitcher		Vance Worley	Vincente Padilla
#5 Pitcher		Joe Blanton	Randy Wolf
Closer		Jonathan Papelbon	Billy Wagner
Bench bat		Jim Thome	Jim Thome

For the record, the Phillies have never finished under .500 (or lower than second place) during Manuel’s tenure as manager.

1, 2, 3-4-5, Sixers

With one more win in their playoff series against the Celtics, the Philadelphia 76ers will clinch the title of "closest Philly team to win a championship" for the 2011-2012 sports season. As you may remember, the Eagles missed the playoffs, the Phillies lost in the first round, and the Flyers lost in the second (four games to one). If the Sixers can manage at least two wins in the second round, they get top billing.

Here's a look back at how the teams have done over the pas two decades:

2010-2011: Phillies (lost in Conference Champs)
2009-2010: Phillies & Flyers (both lost in Finals, 4-2)
2008-2009: Phillies (won World Series)
2007-2008: Flyers (lost in Conference Champs)
2006-2007: Eagles (lost in playoffs second round)
2005-2006: Flyers (lost in playoffs first round)
2004-2005: Eagles (lost in Finals)
2003-2004: Eagles & Flyers (lost in Conference Champs)
2002-2003: Eagles (lost in Conference Champs)
2001-2002: Eagles (lost in Conference Champs)
2000-2001: Sixers (lost in Finals)
1999-2000: Flyers (lost in Conference Champs)
1998-1999: Sixers (lost in playoffs second round)
1997-1998: Flyers (lost in playoffs first round)
1996-1997: Flyers (lost in Finals)
1995-1996: Eagles & Flyers (lost in playoffs second round)
1994-1995: Flyers (lost in Conference Champs)
1993-1994: Phillies (lost in Finals)
1992-1993: Eagles (lost in playoffs second round)

For those of you scoring at home, the breakdown by team is:
Flyers -- 9
Eagles -- 7
Phillies -- 4
Sixers -- 2

Of course, the Phillies are the only team to actually win a championship over that stretch, so they automatically win the title of "best Philly sports franchise" until further notice.

Seen in Aruba

This is a picture of a jewelry display case at an expensive shop in Aruba's capital. Here are my questions:

1 -- How does an Eagles baseball cap help sell high-end jewelry?
2 -- Is it worrisome that they couldn't find an Eagles' helmet, only a cap?
3 -- Is it worrisome that they paired it with WVU and UNC helmets?
4 -- Is it possible that someone will buy a necklace and that hat, and wear them both walking out of the store?

In depth Eagles roster analysis

The Eagles added 22 new rookies this week – nine through the draft and 13 more as unrestricted free agents over the weekend. Here’s an evaluation of the best and the worst pick-ups, based solely on how funny their names are:

Worst

#5 -- FB Emil Igwenagu, UMass (free agent)

Even the phonetic spelling -- eh-MEAL-ig-wen-AH-goo – is hideous to look at.

#4 -- LS Matt Camilli, UTEP (free agent)

I actually thought his name ended in a quadruple L before I looked closer.

#3 -- WR Elvis Akpla, Montana State (free agent)

I’m feeling a little Akpla right now. Maybe Tylenol will help.

#2-- WR Aaron Pflugrad, Arizona State (free agent)

I don’t even have words for how ugly those letters are together.

#1 -- LB Mychal Kendricks, California (2^nd round pick)

If you can’t spell “Michael” right, how can we trust you to stop the run?

Best

#5 -- DE Vinny Curry, Marshall (2^nd round pick)

You can’t ask for better letter symmetry than that.

#4 -- P Ryan Tydlacka, Kentucky (free agent)

All punters should have funny names, for comic relief purposes

#3 -- TE Chase Ford, Miami (free agent)

NFL player or 1920s private eye -- Those are his only options.

#2 -- WR Marvin McNutt, Iowa (6^th round pick)

You can already hear the fans chanting “Mc-Nutt! Mc-Nutt!”

#1 -- DT Fletcher Cox, Miss St (1^st round pick)

The jokes all write themselves.

Player names too boring to be mentioned:
CB Brandon Boykin, Georgia (4th round pick)
QB Nick Foles, Arizona (3rd round pick)
OT Dennis Kelly, Purdue (5th round pick)
OG Brandon Washington, Miami (6th round pick)
RB Bryce Brown, Kansas St (7th Round pick)
WR Damaris Johnson, Tulsa (free agent)
RB Chris Polk, Washington (free agent)
FB Jeremy Stewart, Stanford (free agent)
FS Phillip Thomas, Syracuse (free agent)
CB Cliff Harris, Oregon (free agent)
WR McKay Jacobson, BYU (free agent)
WR Darnell Williams, Louisiana College (free agent)

A Hall of Fame case for Brian Dawkins

The whole premise of this blog post seems like a no-brainer, but since we've got five years to wait, let's start breaking down the arguments now.

First, from Pete Lieber of Yahoo Sports:

[Brian Dawkins] is the only safety in the history of the game with more than 500 tackles (Dawk has 1,131), greater than 30 interceptions (37), greater than 20 forced fumbles (37) and greater than 20 sacks (26). Those number speak to how Dawkins helped revolutionize the safety position. While he ranks second to Ed Reed with 120 passes defended, he also ranks second in sacks to only Rodney Harrison. Harrison defended 53 passes and sacked the quarterback 30.5 times. Dawkins got to the passer 26 times while still defending an incredible 120 passes.

Now, some additional stats of note:

Eagles seasons in the Super Bowl era, with Brian Dawkins: 13
Eagles seasons in the Super Bowl era, w/o Brian Dawkins: 31


Eagles all-time playoff record, with Dawkins: 10-8 
Eagles all time playoff record, w/o Dawkins: 5-11 


Eagles NFC championship appearances, with Dawkins: Five
Eagles NFC championship appearances, w/o Dawkins: One

And, finally, I submit to you the 1:35 mark of the video below:



I await any credible rebuttal.

Fun with numbers, Flyers edition

Putting the Flyers current offensive outburst into perspective:

** Flyers goals scored, this postseason: 20 (3 games)
** Flyers goals scored, last postseason: 29 (11 games)
** Phillies runs scored, this season: 33 (10 games)

** Flyers goals scored, this postseason: 20 (3 games)
** Danny Briere goals, regular season: 16 (70 games)
** Jaromir Jagr goals, regular season: 19 (73 games)

** Flyers hat tricks, this postseason: 2 (3 games)
** Flyers hat tricks, regular season: 2 (82 games)
** Hat tricks, all other playoff teams: 0 (18 games)

** Flyers goals scored, this postseason: 20 (3 games)
** Boston/DC playoff series, combined goals: 11 (3 games)
** Ottawa/NY playoff series, combined goals: 12 (3 games)
** Vancouver/LA playoff series, combined goals: 13 (3 games)
** St. Louis/San Jose series, combined goals: 15 (3 games)
** Nashville/Detroit series, combined goals: 15 (3 games)