1 ~~ Electrified rims
2 ~~ Attire: Must wear tuxedos or mascot costumes
3 ~~ Winner gets three free travels for rest of the season
4 ~~ Platform shoes
5 ~~ All dunks performed to "Rock you like a hurricane"
6 ~~ Spanish soccer commentators only
7 ~~ Opponents get water pistols for distractions
8 ~~ Instead of NBA players, invite only NBA owners
9 ~~ Invisible plastic rim covers
10 ~~ Kids dunk free
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Phillies 2012 Spring Training ads
Pitchers and catchers reported last week, meaning baseball is just around the corner (six weeks from now). The Phillies haven't unveiled all their print ads yet, but through my industry connections, I managed to get a sneak peek at how they're going after fans' attention this year. Take a look:
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Sorting through old treasures
Recently, I pulled out an old crate of baseball cards looking for some missing sports memorabilia. In my search, I found a small box labeled "might be worth something." Just for kicks, here's a look at what 13-year-old me thought might be valuable someday:
~~ Topps 1988 SS Kevin Elster (Rookie, Mets)
Buy it now price = 11 cents
Clearly, this card (and other rookie commemorative set ones I found) suckered me in with the promise getting in on the ground floor of some first-year stars. He hung on for 13 years, but ended his career with a .223 batting average and fewer than 30 RBI a year.
~~ Topps 1988 P Jimmy Key (Blue Jays)
Buy it now price = 50 cents
I actually found two different Jimmy Key cards I put aside, for reasons I can't explain. Key actually had a decent career, with four All-Star appearances and two World Series rings. But, I'm still not sure who he is.
~~ Topps 1987 P Shane Rawley (Phillies)
Buy it now price = 60 cents (for 8 cards)
I can only assume that he made it into this pile because of his exemplary name and exemplary choice of teams. Rawley won 17 games in 1987, but finished his career with a middling 111-118 record.
~~ Topps 1990 Checklist #2
Buy it now price = $1.60
This is a piece of cardboard with a list of other cards on it, and somehow it's worth more than everything else I've looked up tonight. Clearly, there is something unusual about this card, but I have no idea what it is. Maybe I did have some clue what I was doing back then...
~~ Topps 1983 M Whitey Herzog (St. Louis)
Buy it now price = 75 cents
Seriously, maybe I was onto something. Herzog was one of the top managers of all time, but who collects baseball cards to get managers? Someone who's looking for a good return on investment, I guess.
~~ Topps 1984 OF Andy Van Slyke (St. Louis)
Buy it now price = $2.25
OMG, I'm gonna be rich. Rich! RIIICCH!!!!
(Seriously, that's a lot for a baseball card)
~~ Topps 1986 P Mark Eichhorn (Rookie, Blue Jays)
Buy it now price = 84 cents
Eh, we might be coming back to reality again. I've got about 20 of these rookie cards in here, but I've never heard of any of these guys. Eichhorn had fewer than 100 decisions in his baseball career, and baseball reference has him as the 520th best pitcher of all-time.
~~ Topps 1961 P John Buzhardt (Phillies)
Buy it now price = $3.00
I have no idea who this is and no idea where I got a baseball card from 1961. It's card #3 in that year's set. #2 is Roger Maris, worth $300. Maybe I need to search down into this box a little further...
~~ Topps 1990 SS Greg Gagne (Twins)
Buy it now price = 30 cents
I found one site that listed more than 30 different Topps baseball cards issued for Gagne over the course of his career. None are worth more than 60 cents. Not sure why I thought they would be.
So, nine random cards, likely purchased for under $5, totaling about $9.40 now. Not bad. This would have been funnier if they were worth a lot less. But now I'm going to have to actually check and see if the real ones I didn't scan in (A Jose Canseco rookie card, a Mike Schmidt retirement card, and four Barry Bonds rookie cards) can help fund an early retirement.
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
Super Bowl anagram
Eli Manning has won the Super Bowl's most valuable player award twice
** Evil brat wins. Ma, Pa bawl. God hates us. We are now in hell. Blast up. No mercy.
** Evil brat wins. Ma, Pa bawl. God hates us. We are now in hell. Blast up. No mercy.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Pros and cons of this Sunday's Super Bowl
With two truly despicable teams in the Super Bowl this year, it's difficult to decide who to root for. Here's a quick list of the pros and cons of each team losing:
New York Giants win -- Cons
** QB Eli Manning gets his second Super Bowl win. Only 10 QBs have won more than one Super Bowl. Only three of them aren't in the Hall of Fame. Two of them are active (Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger). The only other non-Hall of Famer is Jim Plunkett.
** Coach Tom Coughlin gets his second Super Bowl win. Only 12 coaches have won more than one Super Bowl.
** New York get its 50th professional sports championship. That's the most of any U.S. city.
** On the eve of the new baseball season, New York fans become even more insufferable in their rivalry talk with Boston fans.
New York Giants win -- Pros
** The Patriots don't win the Super Bowl.
New England Patriots win -- Cons
** QB Tom Brady wins his fourth Super Bowl. Only two other men have won that many: Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montana. Only one other QB has appeared in five Super Bowls in his career (John Elway).
** Coach Bill Belichick wins his four Super Bowl. Only one other coach has won that many in his career (Chuck Noll).
** Boston gets its 35th professional sports championship, and its 8th in the last decade.
** On the eve of the new baseball season, Boston fans become even more insufferable in their rivalry talk with New York fans.
New England Patriots win -- Pros
** The Giants don't win the Super Bowl.
Tough call. Is it too late to root for the 49ers again?
New York Giants win -- Cons
** QB Eli Manning gets his second Super Bowl win. Only 10 QBs have won more than one Super Bowl. Only three of them aren't in the Hall of Fame. Two of them are active (Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger). The only other non-Hall of Famer is Jim Plunkett.
** Coach Tom Coughlin gets his second Super Bowl win. Only 12 coaches have won more than one Super Bowl.
** New York get its 50th professional sports championship. That's the most of any U.S. city.
** On the eve of the new baseball season, New York fans become even more insufferable in their rivalry talk with Boston fans.
New York Giants win -- Pros
** The Patriots don't win the Super Bowl.
New England Patriots win -- Cons
** QB Tom Brady wins his fourth Super Bowl. Only two other men have won that many: Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montana. Only one other QB has appeared in five Super Bowls in his career (John Elway).
** Coach Bill Belichick wins his four Super Bowl. Only one other coach has won that many in his career (Chuck Noll).
** Boston gets its 35th professional sports championship, and its 8th in the last decade.
** On the eve of the new baseball season, Boston fans become even more insufferable in their rivalry talk with New York fans.
New England Patriots win -- Pros
** The Giants don't win the Super Bowl.
Tough call. Is it too late to root for the 49ers again?
Monday, January 23, 2012
State of the (Philly sports) Union
[Remarks as prepared for delivery]
My fellow Philadelphia sports fans,
As I stand here before you tonight, I know many of you share my great concern with the days ahead. In less than two weeks, our nation will once again be forced to endure a Boston/New York championship match-up. Our own beloved city is still mired in a one-for-114-seasons title drought. The Phillies failed to achieve last year's high hopes, and the Eagles crushed our dreams of a playoff breakthrough as well. Our city has already braced itself for an amusing but ultimately fruitless hockey and basketball season.
But despite those trials, I am here tonight to assure you, my fellow Sons of Ben, that the state of our union is stronger than ever.
What many of you are calling reason for despair, I see as a sign of hope and greatness yet to come. Yes, the Phillies disappointed us last season. But their 102 wins was a high-water mark for a franchise whose history has redefined what failure in sports means. In just a few years the franchise has gone from a 10,000-time loser to a five-time division champion. And with LeRoy Halladay and Mr. Clifton Phifer Lee still on the team, there is no reason to believe that success is all in the past.
Your Sixers, while flawed, are showing signs of life not witnessed for more than a decade. Your Flyers, while flawed, may have just completed the quickest rebuilding period in major sports history. Both are still far from being championship caliber. Yet, isn't that exactly what we said in the summer on 2008, when another flawed bunch of local heroes scrapped their way into the postseason, then into the championship, and then into history? Who are we to say that these two teams are too far away from the promised land that we should ignore their growing list of achievements?
The Eagles remain a constant source of frustration and heartbreak, and appear further from the ultimate victory than any point in the last decade. But let me remind you that this disaster of a squad sat just one win away from taking the Giants spot in the playoffs this year, proof that even a small break could be the difference between a Tony-Romo-style disaster and the next Tom Brady. Indeed, I stand here tonight to tell you that I believe this team is only one piece away from reaching that lofty goal, and with just a small chance, we could see that glory soon.
(Of course, that one piece is a head coach who knows what a linebacker is, but I digress.)
Yes, there are still injustices in the world. As I speak to you tonight, Boston's football team is preparing for another Super Bowl, and their hockey team is just returning from a victory lap around the White House after last year's Stanley Cup. We sit dangerously close to serious conversations about whether Eli Manning is one of the best quarterbacks of all time. And, this early in the season, the Phillies look like they face serious threats from all sides in their own division, including the Miami Marlins, a team that didn't even exist last October yet somehow owns two World Series titles.
But we cannot let these setbacks tear us apart, as if we were fair-weather Cowboys or Yankees fans. We must believe. We must endure. We must continue to boo. Our very nature is to be pessimistic, but we must be wary not to let that realistic criticism turn to fatalism. We are not Cleveland -- We will reach the top again.
And when we do, we will greet it with the unbridled joy that can only be found on the honest ground of Broad Street, not the phony pavement of Broadway. When you see the Eagles pass on third-and-one, remember Pat Burrell's wave as he crossed over Oregon Avenue. When you see Brian Schneider weakly pop up to left field, remember Chase Utley infuriating the local censors with his unbridled excitement. When you see see a collapsing concussion check drop another Flyers forward, remember when we all sang High Hopes the loudest we ever had.
Thank you. God bless you, God bless America, and God Bless Billy Penn. And screw Eli Manning. Seriously, how does that dope keep winning?
[To be delivered by the Philadelphia Phanatic]
My fellow Philadelphia sports fans,
As I stand here before you tonight, I know many of you share my great concern with the days ahead. In less than two weeks, our nation will once again be forced to endure a Boston/New York championship match-up. Our own beloved city is still mired in a one-for-114-seasons title drought. The Phillies failed to achieve last year's high hopes, and the Eagles crushed our dreams of a playoff breakthrough as well. Our city has already braced itself for an amusing but ultimately fruitless hockey and basketball season.
But despite those trials, I am here tonight to assure you, my fellow Sons of Ben, that the state of our union is stronger than ever.
What many of you are calling reason for despair, I see as a sign of hope and greatness yet to come. Yes, the Phillies disappointed us last season. But their 102 wins was a high-water mark for a franchise whose history has redefined what failure in sports means. In just a few years the franchise has gone from a 10,000-time loser to a five-time division champion. And with LeRoy Halladay and Mr. Clifton Phifer Lee still on the team, there is no reason to believe that success is all in the past.
Your Sixers, while flawed, are showing signs of life not witnessed for more than a decade. Your Flyers, while flawed, may have just completed the quickest rebuilding period in major sports history. Both are still far from being championship caliber. Yet, isn't that exactly what we said in the summer on 2008, when another flawed bunch of local heroes scrapped their way into the postseason, then into the championship, and then into history? Who are we to say that these two teams are too far away from the promised land that we should ignore their growing list of achievements?
The Eagles remain a constant source of frustration and heartbreak, and appear further from the ultimate victory than any point in the last decade. But let me remind you that this disaster of a squad sat just one win away from taking the Giants spot in the playoffs this year, proof that even a small break could be the difference between a Tony-Romo-style disaster and the next Tom Brady. Indeed, I stand here tonight to tell you that I believe this team is only one piece away from reaching that lofty goal, and with just a small chance, we could see that glory soon.
(Of course, that one piece is a head coach who knows what a linebacker is, but I digress.)
Yes, there are still injustices in the world. As I speak to you tonight, Boston's football team is preparing for another Super Bowl, and their hockey team is just returning from a victory lap around the White House after last year's Stanley Cup. We sit dangerously close to serious conversations about whether Eli Manning is one of the best quarterbacks of all time. And, this early in the season, the Phillies look like they face serious threats from all sides in their own division, including the Miami Marlins, a team that didn't even exist last October yet somehow owns two World Series titles.
But we cannot let these setbacks tear us apart, as if we were fair-weather Cowboys or Yankees fans. We must believe. We must endure. We must continue to boo. Our very nature is to be pessimistic, but we must be wary not to let that realistic criticism turn to fatalism. We are not Cleveland -- We will reach the top again.
And when we do, we will greet it with the unbridled joy that can only be found on the honest ground of Broad Street, not the phony pavement of Broadway. When you see the Eagles pass on third-and-one, remember Pat Burrell's wave as he crossed over Oregon Avenue. When you see Brian Schneider weakly pop up to left field, remember Chase Utley infuriating the local censors with his unbridled excitement. When you see see a collapsing concussion check drop another Flyers forward, remember when we all sang High Hopes the loudest we ever had.
Thank you. God bless you, God bless America, and God Bless Billy Penn. And screw Eli Manning. Seriously, how does that dope keep winning?
[To be delivered by the Philadelphia Phanatic]
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Congrats to Green Bay!
In another record-setting move on Sunday, Packers became the first team in NFL history with 15 or more wins to lose in their first playoff game. Prior to that, every team that scored that many regular season wins made it at least to the conference championship game.
Their loss also guarantees that, for the eighth year in a row, the NFL Super Bowl champion will not be the regular season champion. In the 14 years prior to that, it happened seven times.
Their loss also guarantees that, for the eighth year in a row, the NFL Super Bowl champion will not be the regular season champion. In the 14 years prior to that, it happened seven times.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
College bowl games, by the numbers
After last night’s thrilling BCS national championship game (Alabama 21, LSU 0), here’s a quick look at the 2011 bowl season:
Teams in college bowl games this season: 70
Teams scoring 21 or more points: 47
Teams scoring 41 or more points: 10
Teams scoring zero points: 1 (LSU)
Games with 50 or more total points: 18
Games with 60 or more total points: 12
Games with 21 or more points in one quarter: 21
Games with 21 or fewer total points total: 1 (Alabama vs LSU)
Games with 10 or more TDs: 6
Games with only 1 TD: 1 (Alabama vs. LSU)
Games with 5 or more FG attempts: 1 (Alabama vs. LSU)
Games decided by less than 8 points: 19
Games decided in overtime: 3
Games that were completely unwatchable: 1 (Alabama vs. LSU)
Teams in college bowl games this season: 70
Teams scoring 21 or more points: 47
Teams scoring 41 or more points: 10
Teams scoring zero points: 1 (LSU)
Games with 50 or more total points: 18
Games with 60 or more total points: 12
Games with 21 or more points in one quarter: 21
Games with 21 or fewer total points total: 1 (Alabama vs LSU)
Games with 10 or more TDs: 6
Games with only 1 TD: 1 (Alabama vs. LSU)
Games with 5 or more FG attempts: 1 (Alabama vs. LSU)
Games decided by less than 8 points: 19
Games decided in overtime: 3
Games that were completely unwatchable: 1 (Alabama vs. LSU)
So, again, thanks to the NCAA for that great SEC rematch as the final taste of college football for the year. It was slightly more exciting than the 9-6 OT win by LSU in the first meeting. But any of the other 34 bowl games would have been more enjoyable.
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
2011 fantasy recap, final standings
It's been a long, difficult fight, but our fantasy season is once again at an end. Before we award the 10th Awesome Cup championship (or Awesome Cup X, if you prefer), let's take a minute to ridicule the 11 other teams that fell short in the pursuit of greatness.
TEAM: I Heart WRs (Paul)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2029 pts, 8th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1883.67 pts, 12th place
WHAT HAPPENED? In a dramatic finish, Paul earns the bottom spot in the league by finishing a mere 0.56 pts behind Joel. That's the closest finish we've ever had, and it's especially harsh news for Paul, who had the #1 pick at the start of the season. In his defense, our resident soccer expert thought we were playing European football this year, which explains why he started Landon Donovan at RB the last six weeks.
TEAM: Stafford Infection (Joel)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2134 pts, 6th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1884.23 pts, 11th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Joel's final-week heroics allow him to escape the ignominy of finishing in last two years in a row. Instead, he just finishes in terrible shape two years in a row. Worse news still, he loses out on the Andrew Luck sweepstakes for next year. I think it'd be funny to rig the fantasy draft next year so that Paul has to take the Stanford QB. I might just do that.
TEAM: Kickers rule (Sam)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1802 pts, 12th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2001.24 pts, 10th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Nobody whined more about the league this year than our newbie, and his constant complaints and inattentive coaching earned him a disappointing bottom three finish. I just noticed this week that Sam drafted a defense three rounds before everyone else (round five) and a kicker five round before the crowd (round 4). That's the kind of rebellious, daring coaching that you see out of Patriots' coach Bill Belichick. What Sam forgot, though, is that Belichick only wins when his team cheats. Maybe try that next year.
TEAM: Springfield Atoms (Bobert)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1977 pts, 10th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2038.97 pts, 9th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Got that prediction right on. How did Bob grab the top fantasy player in the league (Packers QB Aaron Rodgers) and still manage to finish in the bottom half of the league? That's like having the top rusher in the league but still managing a losing record. But you didn't see RB Maurice Jones Drew and the Jacksonville Jaguars have that problem, did you? Oh, wait, you did? Nevermind.
TEAM: Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2338 pts, 1st place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2085.13 pts, 8th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Next time I'm tempted to pick Jeff to win the league, remind me of this year. Jeff ended the year with two stars on injured reserve (RB Rashard Mendenhall and QB Jay Cutler) and two members of the Maryland Racial Slurs in his starting lineup (it doesn't matter who, they were all dogs.) None of his wideouts broke the 1,000-yard mark, and only 8 of his final 18 players were on winning teams. Losing breeds losers. That Maryland team is proof.
TEAM: Jonathan's PopPop (Dad)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2201 pts, 4th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2107.15 pts, 7th place
WHAT HAPPENED? The amazing part of Dad's 7th place finish isn't how high he ended up -- he had been as low as 11th at one point -- but instead just how far back 7th place is. He finished more than 384 pts out of first. If we extended the season by three weeks just for everyone below 6th place, and they all kept pace with their weekly average, they still couldn't grab the top spot. That's like the Houston Astros last fall finishing 40 games (or a month and a half) out of first place.
TEAM: Taxing Job Creators (Jim)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2332 pts, 2nd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2167.09 pts, 6th place
WHAT HAPPENED? I'm still not sure how Jim's team finished so low, so I'm gonna blame the election season. Our resident Steelers fan actually finished the year starting two Ravens (RB Ray Rice and the Baltimore defense), two Cowboys (WR Miles Austin and TE Jason Witten) and a former Bengal (now Oakland QB Carson Palmer). If that's not compromising your values for points/votes, I don't know what is. And, much like the Rick Perry campaign, it's just not going to work.
TEAM: Boy named Boy (ChampMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1884 pts, 11th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2178.11 pts, 5th place
WHAT HAPPENED? To be fair, I never really thought ChampMike would finish that poorly, but I wanted him to. Between RB Rashard Jennings and WR Vincent Jackson, I have about three years of fantasy football torment, and QB Tony Romo is unlikable for obvious reasons. Another note for next season: We're doing the entire fantasy draft without any Cowboys available. I could even come up with a great anagram for "Cowboy-less fantasy draft" ... but not right now, because I've still got four more team recaps to write.
TEAM: Akers Breaky Heart (Jo)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2136 pts, 5th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2277.38 pts, 4th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Nailed that prediction too. Joanna managed her squad to the highest-ever finish by a kicker-centered team (We all remember the "Nice Rackers" disaster fielded back in 2005). One could argue that David Akers was more valuable in both real life and fantasy life than Jo's QB, Tom Brady. One could also argue that Andy Reid is a terrific game-day coach. Neither would be true, but it's just fun to argue sometimes.
TEAM: The Wildcat's Corpse (NewMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2098 pts, 7th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2361.28 pts, 3rd place
WHAT HAPPENED? If not for a spate of injuries, NewMike would be celebrating his second league title right now. WR Andre Johnson and RB Fred Jackson killed his chances down the stretch, even as the QB Matt Stafford and WR Calvin Johnson combo tore apart the league. But in retrospect, he never should have been that close. NewMike drafted QB Donovan McNabb with his final pick this year, and everyone knows that guy can't win anymore.
TEAM: Anguish and Ammo (Capt. Awesome)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2275 pts, 3rd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2436.67 pts, 2nd place
WHAT HAPPENED? I came thiiiiiiis close to claiming my third Awesome Cup title this season, which would have been an unprecedented triumph in the history of the league. I don't think you appreciate how difficult it is to perform at this high level of excellence when you set and oversee all the rules for a fantasy game like this. The fact that I finished this high despite having the twin albatrosses of QB Eli Manning and the Eagles defense speaks to both my superb coaching and the greatness of RB LeSean McCoy. And, of course, let's not forget the leadership that S Brian Dawkins brought to the table. You always need good leadership to bring a fantasy squad together.
TEAM: Joe Buck Yourself (Ant)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2016 pts, 9th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2491.33 pts, 1st place
WHAT HAPPENED? Ladies and gentlemen, that cool breeze that just blew into town was actually hell freezing over. Anthony, who twice before has finished fourth and three times finished second, finally managed to finish on top this season. His victory is the result of a mix of lucky draft picks, savvy wire pick-ups and a groundbreaking strategy of "actually setting the lineup each week," something many teams fail to accomplish.
In fairness, Anthony did have an advantage this season -- He had two and a half co-managers helping him, with his daughter and expecting wife working in the wings. But, give credit where credit is due. Congrats, Dingus. Your name has been added to the list of greats:
Thanks again everyone for the chuckles this year. Remember to check back at this site through the playoffs and through the off-season for a few more laughs (only a few. I limit it to no more than three laughs a month during the down months) and we'll be back at it again next season.
TEAM: I Heart WRs (Paul)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2029 pts, 8th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1883.67 pts, 12th place
WHAT HAPPENED? In a dramatic finish, Paul earns the bottom spot in the league by finishing a mere 0.56 pts behind Joel. That's the closest finish we've ever had, and it's especially harsh news for Paul, who had the #1 pick at the start of the season. In his defense, our resident soccer expert thought we were playing European football this year, which explains why he started Landon Donovan at RB the last six weeks.
TEAM: Stafford Infection (Joel)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2134 pts, 6th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 1884.23 pts, 11th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Joel's final-week heroics allow him to escape the ignominy of finishing in last two years in a row. Instead, he just finishes in terrible shape two years in a row. Worse news still, he loses out on the Andrew Luck sweepstakes for next year. I think it'd be funny to rig the fantasy draft next year so that Paul has to take the Stanford QB. I might just do that.
TEAM: Kickers rule (Sam)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1802 pts, 12th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2001.24 pts, 10th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Nobody whined more about the league this year than our newbie, and his constant complaints and inattentive coaching earned him a disappointing bottom three finish. I just noticed this week that Sam drafted a defense three rounds before everyone else (round five) and a kicker five round before the crowd (round 4). That's the kind of rebellious, daring coaching that you see out of Patriots' coach Bill Belichick. What Sam forgot, though, is that Belichick only wins when his team cheats. Maybe try that next year.
TEAM: Springfield Atoms (Bobert)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1977 pts, 10th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2038.97 pts, 9th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Got that prediction right on. How did Bob grab the top fantasy player in the league (Packers QB Aaron Rodgers) and still manage to finish in the bottom half of the league? That's like having the top rusher in the league but still managing a losing record. But you didn't see RB Maurice Jones Drew and the Jacksonville Jaguars have that problem, did you? Oh, wait, you did? Nevermind.
TEAM: Blue Collar Killers (Jeff)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2338 pts, 1st place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2085.13 pts, 8th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Next time I'm tempted to pick Jeff to win the league, remind me of this year. Jeff ended the year with two stars on injured reserve (RB Rashard Mendenhall and QB Jay Cutler) and two members of the Maryland Racial Slurs in his starting lineup (it doesn't matter who, they were all dogs.) None of his wideouts broke the 1,000-yard mark, and only 8 of his final 18 players were on winning teams. Losing breeds losers. That Maryland team is proof.
TEAM: Jonathan's PopPop (Dad)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2201 pts, 4th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2107.15 pts, 7th place
WHAT HAPPENED? The amazing part of Dad's 7th place finish isn't how high he ended up -- he had been as low as 11th at one point -- but instead just how far back 7th place is. He finished more than 384 pts out of first. If we extended the season by three weeks just for everyone below 6th place, and they all kept pace with their weekly average, they still couldn't grab the top spot. That's like the Houston Astros last fall finishing 40 games (or a month and a half) out of first place.
TEAM: Taxing Job Creators (Jim)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2332 pts, 2nd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2167.09 pts, 6th place
WHAT HAPPENED? I'm still not sure how Jim's team finished so low, so I'm gonna blame the election season. Our resident Steelers fan actually finished the year starting two Ravens (RB Ray Rice and the Baltimore defense), two Cowboys (WR Miles Austin and TE Jason Witten) and a former Bengal (now Oakland QB Carson Palmer). If that's not compromising your values for points/votes, I don't know what is. And, much like the Rick Perry campaign, it's just not going to work.
TEAM: Boy named Boy (ChampMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 1884 pts, 11th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2178.11 pts, 5th place
WHAT HAPPENED? To be fair, I never really thought ChampMike would finish that poorly, but I wanted him to. Between RB Rashard Jennings and WR Vincent Jackson, I have about three years of fantasy football torment, and QB Tony Romo is unlikable for obvious reasons. Another note for next season: We're doing the entire fantasy draft without any Cowboys available. I could even come up with a great anagram for "Cowboy-less fantasy draft" ... but not right now, because I've still got four more team recaps to write.
TEAM: Akers Breaky Heart (Jo)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2136 pts, 5th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2277.38 pts, 4th place
WHAT HAPPENED? Nailed that prediction too. Joanna managed her squad to the highest-ever finish by a kicker-centered team (We all remember the "Nice Rackers" disaster fielded back in 2005). One could argue that David Akers was more valuable in both real life and fantasy life than Jo's QB, Tom Brady. One could also argue that Andy Reid is a terrific game-day coach. Neither would be true, but it's just fun to argue sometimes.
TEAM: The Wildcat's Corpse (NewMike)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2098 pts, 7th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2361.28 pts, 3rd place
WHAT HAPPENED? If not for a spate of injuries, NewMike would be celebrating his second league title right now. WR Andre Johnson and RB Fred Jackson killed his chances down the stretch, even as the QB Matt Stafford and WR Calvin Johnson combo tore apart the league. But in retrospect, he never should have been that close. NewMike drafted QB Donovan McNabb with his final pick this year, and everyone knows that guy can't win anymore.
TEAM: Anguish and Ammo (Capt. Awesome)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2275 pts, 3rd place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2436.67 pts, 2nd place
WHAT HAPPENED? I came thiiiiiiis close to claiming my third Awesome Cup title this season, which would have been an unprecedented triumph in the history of the league. I don't think you appreciate how difficult it is to perform at this high level of excellence when you set and oversee all the rules for a fantasy game like this. The fact that I finished this high despite having the twin albatrosses of QB Eli Manning and the Eagles defense speaks to both my superb coaching and the greatness of RB LeSean McCoy. And, of course, let's not forget the leadership that S Brian Dawkins brought to the table. You always need good leadership to bring a fantasy squad together.
TEAM: Joe Buck Yourself (Ant)
PREDICTED FINISH: 2016 pts, 9th place
ACTUAL FINISH: 2491.33 pts, 1st place
WHAT HAPPENED? Ladies and gentlemen, that cool breeze that just blew into town was actually hell freezing over. Anthony, who twice before has finished fourth and three times finished second, finally managed to finish on top this season. His victory is the result of a mix of lucky draft picks, savvy wire pick-ups and a groundbreaking strategy of "actually setting the lineup each week," something many teams fail to accomplish.
In fairness, Anthony did have an advantage this season -- He had two and a half co-managers helping him, with his daughter and expecting wife working in the wings. But, give credit where credit is due. Congrats, Dingus. Your name has been added to the list of greats:
Thanks again everyone for the chuckles this year. Remember to check back at this site through the playoffs and through the off-season for a few more laughs (only a few. I limit it to no more than three laughs a month during the down months) and we'll be back at it again next season.
Monday, January 02, 2012
2011 fantasy recap, week 17
NFL executives would prefer you remember this season as the year multiple passing and receiving records were broken, but what fans should remember is just how bad nearly every team played the last four months. Consider the following:** The Patriots come-from-behind win on Sunday was the 11th time this season a team trailed by at least 17 points but found a way to win. According to the NFL stats department, that's a new record.
** The Broncos and Bengals, both AFC teams facing a win-and-in scenario on Sunday, opted to lose their way into the playoffs instead. The Broncos actually lost their last three games, but still got a playoff spot.
** Only one team who won their division in 2010 managed a repeat in 2011 (The Patriots).
** The 8-8 Philadelphia Eagles would have earned a playoff berth if they had managed just one more win over the course of the season. The Eagles led in the fourth quarter of five of those eight losses.
** Only 12 teams (out of 32) managed a winning record this season. The only team above .500 not to make the playoffs was the Titans, who lost out on the last wild card spot on tiebreakers.
QB: Matt Flynn, 51.20 pts -- on the wireRB: Ray Rice, 33.63 pts -- started by Jim
WR: Jordy Nelson, 37.80 pts -- started by Ant
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 27.20 pts -- started by Ant
K: Dan Carpenter, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Chicago, 24.00 pts -- started by Dad
D: Curtis Lofton, 12.50 pts -- on the wire
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa Matt Flynn. Congrats on winning a big free agent contract from the Maryland Racial Slurs with that 480-yard-six-TD performance. Whoever said the final week of the season doesn't matter? Oh, wait, that's right, everyone said that. Because it doesn't.
Top performers of the year QB: Aaron Rodgers, 487.42 pts -- 1st QB drafted (Bobert)
RB: LeSean McCoy, 318.90 pts -- 8th RB drafted (me)
WR: Wes Welker, 275.84 pts -- 11th WR drafted (Sam)
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 260.69 pts -- 18th TE drafted (Ant)
K: David Akers, 176.00 pts -- 2nd kicker drafted (Jo)
DEF: San Fran, 216.00 pts -- 11th defense drafted (Jo)
D: Jared Allen, 85.00 pts -- undrafted (NewMike)
Props to Joanna for getting on this list twice, but Anthony found the real steals this year. Besides Gronkowski, he got the #4 QB (Cam Newton) off the waiver wire and grabbed Jordy Nelson -- who later turned into the league's sixth best WR -- as the 46th wideout taken in the draft.
Biggest bust of the year goes to Dad, who had the unfortunate luck to see his #1 pick (Jamaal Charles, fourth RB taken) go down in game two of the season and finish the 103rd ranked RB in the league.
Honorable mention goes to ChampMike, who started QB Tony Romo for most of the season, thereby forfeiting his soul for eternity.
Worst performers of the year3rd place: Bills QB Tyler Thigpen, -0.20 pts
2nd place: Chargers QB Billy Volek, -0.50 pts
1st place: Eagles DB Curtis Marsh, -3.10 pts
Only five players managed to finish the year in negative territory. Four of them were QBs who saw just a few snaps and combined to total fewer than -1.00 pts. And then there was Curtis Marsh, whose only significant contribution to the world was two special team fumbles on consecutive weeks.
But I can't think of anyone more deserving to end up at the bottom of the pile at the end of this wretched football season than an Eagles defensive back. No team is spending more on their secondary this year than Philadelphia, and few teams saw less from their investment than the Eagles.
Here's a quick round-up of the New Year's resolutions members of the Eagles' team made this weekend:** Mike Vick: Get injured fewer than six times next season.
** Asante Samuel: Double this year's work, make two tackles next year.
** Juan Castillo: Learn what a linebacker does.
** Nnamdi Asomugha: Double this year's work, block two passes next year
** Andy Reid: Find some more bad defensive backs to throw money at.
** LeSean McCoy: Stop trying so hard for really lousy teams.
** DeSean Jackson: Find another team to play for.
Sport Illustrated had a snotty little column today by Michael Farber calling the annual hockey Winter Classic a fraud because "This group of NHLers never played hockey outdoors" and the premise doesn't have any real connection to the sport. A few points on that:1) Shut up.
2) Hockey fans don't love this game because it reminds them of when Jeremy Roenick was a kid playing hockey outside. They love it because it reminds them of themselves playing bad hockey outside.
3) Shut up.
4) Since when does there have to be a good reason for a fun new venue? One of the best college football games of the last 10 years was that ridiculous contest Northwestern had at Wrigley Field. Sports are allowed to be fun sometimes.
5) Heaven forbid the NHL stick with something popular. It'd be terrible if a loosely justified event like this drew in more fans.
6) Shut up.
ESPN developed a new stat this year -- Total Quarterback Rating -- designed to account for a QB's entire repertoire, and give fans a better perspective on signal callers' true effectiveness. So, what great revelations did the QBR give us?** Top three QBs in the league were Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, and Tom Brady. They were also 1-2-3 in any other traditional QB measurement system.
** The bottom three started were Blaine Gabbert, Curtis Painter and Tim Tebow. Gabbert and Painter were the bottom two in traditional QB ratings, Tebow was sixth worst.
** 49ers QB Alex Smith was the ninth best QB in the league in passer efficiency, but the ESPN QBR rating has him ranked 22nd in the league. I guess it doesn't account for things like "winning."
** No matter how the stats are divided, Maryland QB Rex Grossman (25 turnovers in 13 starts) is just terrible.
We've poked a lot of fun at the Cowboys over the course of this year, but now that they've suffered a heartbreaking loss in their finale on Sunday night ... it's time to have even more fun. It's not a matter of meanness -- it's cosmically ordained fate. Just look at this anagram:Dallas Cowboys stunned again, choke in their final season game
A rainy onion: We laugh at the fools' sadness and bask in comic glee.
If the universe is telling you to ridicule the Cowboys, who are you to disagree?
** Congrats to Dad for winning our weekly picks match-up yet again. He came into the weekend with a four-game lead and won handily after I posted an 0-for-5 performance on our different picks for the week. For the year, Dad finished with a 170-86 record picking games -- that's a 66% correct rate. For the record, that's better work than any of the so-called experts that ESPN uses every week. ** Illinois beat UCLA 20-14 on Saturday in the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl. The teams both came into the match-up at 6-6 and saw their head coaches (and other key coaching staff) fired in the weeks leading up to the game. I know the sponsors can't manage every aspects of these bowls, but you know what helps fight hunger the most? Having a job. So maybe sponsoring the all-unemployment bowl wasn't the best idea.
** Biggest mistake of the hockey game at Citizens Bank Park: No Phanatic. That's an unforgivable oversight. And I thought Lauren Hart was banned from singing at Citizens Bank Park after the clunker curse she put on the Phillies right before game five in October.
** Ha again! The Cowboys ended up in third place behind the Eagles after that loss on Sunday. It'll probably screw the Eagles come draft time, but it's funny anyways.
Final standings will be revealed tomorrow, in the season wrap-up column.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
2011 fantasy recap, week 16
Next weekend's Cowboys/Giants contest is the game to watch for even casual football fans: It's a winner-take-all season finale, with the victor headed to the post-season and the loser headed home in shame. But, considering the two teams involved are both inherently evil, viewers should be careful watching. Here's how to observe it properly:** DO root for a tie. It would give the Giants the division title, but it would be embarrassing for both sides.
** DO NOT look directly at QB Eli Manning's eyes. You might catch dopeyness.
** DO keep mentioning that whichever team wins, they're the worst of the 12 playoff teams.
** DO NOT be fooled into thinking RB Felix Jones is competent. The Giants' defense is just that bad.
** DO root for a safety. There was one the last time these two teams played, and it was hilarious.
** DO NOT root for the Cowboys. I don't care, they're always the greater of two evils.
QB: Aaron Rodgers, 43.12 pts -- started by BobertRB: Arian Foster, 25.87 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Jordy Nelson, 25.67 pts -- started by Ant
TE: Jared Cook, 25.27 pts -- sitting on Bobert's bench
K: Graham Gano, 17.50 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Buffalo, 32.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Spencer Johnson, 11.00 pts -- on the wire
Aaron Rogers in the top performers again. What a shocker.
But a big congrats to Gano, one of the worst kickers in the history of the NFL, for posting yet another high-scoring week. Gano is 13-for-13 in the month of December for the Maryland Racial Slurs, amazing when you consider that he has missed 20 FG attempts in his 35-game NFL career. He has missed on nearly one of every three FG tries, and has two extra-point misses to add to his resume.
It should be noted that the Maryland team is 12-23 since Gano started, and 5-7 in games decided by less than three points. I'm not saying it's his fault. I'm just pointing out that he's not helping.
"No defense" edition2nd place: Atlanta, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: (TIE) Tampa Bay, -5.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: (TIE) Chicago, -5.00 pts -- started by Dad
Combined, those three defenses this week allowed 122 offensive points (you can't blame them for fumbles returned for TDs). Incidentally, the St. Louis Rams have scored 120 pts in 11 games since their week five bye. I guess the lesson here is that someone always has it worse than you. Unless you're the Rams, of course.
Saints QB Drew Brees broke the single-season passing record Monday night with a nine-yard TD pass late in the fourth quarter, giving him 5,087 yards in just 15 games. Just how long is that? It translates into:** 3 full trips down Bourbon Street, plus another quarter mile.
** 10.5 Sears Tower buildings, stacked on top of each other.
** 2,543.5 Reggie Bushes, stacked on top of each other.
** 1 trip around Daytona Speedway, plus another .4 miles.
** 16,648 footballs, stacked end to end.
** 118 more yards that QB Mike Vick has collected in his last 20 games.
Verizon has been running a cell phone commercial (maybe they've finally stopped, now that the holiday is over) that shows a man jumping out of an airplane sans parachute, then throwing a pulsing ball of energy into a cloud to start a lightning storm. As a bolt strikes the ground, another man goes running towards ground zero, discovering the new, revolutionary phone.In small letters underneath the whole commercial, there's this standard warning: "Do not try this at home."
Here's my question: What am I supposed to not try? The running towards lightning to get free gifts or the throwing an energy orb into a cloud while in freefall? I understand the legal reasons for putting those warnings on, but I really can't imagine what I could copy from this commercial. If I could create lightning storms just for kicks, I'd be doing it all the time, no matter what some commercial tells me. And stealing cell phones tossed down from Olympus by Zeus is always good advice.
The Giants and Cowboys may be the premiere NFC East game next week, but that's not the only division contest. Earlier on Sunday, the Eagles and Maryland Racial slurs will square off to see which team finishes last in the division (Nah, it'll be the Slurs either way). Think that's not enough reason to stay riveted to your TV? Here are some other things to watch for:** Eagles RB LeSean McCoy sits 203 yards shy the team's single season rushing record of 1,512 yards. If he gets it, will anyone care?
** A loss by the Slurs and wins by a few other teams could move them into the top five in next year's draft. If that happens, will anyone care?
** Eagles QB Mike Vick sits just 32 yards away from his second consecutive 3,000-yard passing season. If he gets it, will anyone care?
** Eagles DE Jason Babin has 18 sacks on the season, three short of the team single season record. If he gets four, will anyone care?
** Slurs QB Rex Grossman is tied for the league lead with 19 INTs, albeit in 3 fewer games than his competitors. If he throws a few more, will anyone care?
** Eagles coach Andy Reid has lead his teams to only two losing seasons in his 12 previous seasons. If he avoids a third on Sunday, will anyone care?
** Reports of UFO activity over major U.S. cities have increased in recent years. If both teams were abducted at halftime of the game, will anyone care?
Speaking of that big Giants/Cowboys game, if fragile RB Felix Jones can’t go for the Dallas squad on Sunday, they’ll have to rely on Sammy Morris – signed by the team just two weeks ago – to shoulder their ground attack. You might think that someone who just joined the team wouldn’t have his evil erupt out right away, but you’d be wrong. Just look at what his name clearly spells:
New Dallas Cowboy Running Back Sammy Morris III
Sorry I maimed you all? No. Wincing barbs, smacks win.
He’s giving III’s everywhere a bad name with that “win no matter who you hurt” attitude.
Week 16 standings
Another huge week for Anthony (179 pts) just about sews up his first Awesome Cup championship. Of course, the Denver Broncos looked like they had the playoffs wrapped up a few weeks ago, and they're still sweating it out with one game left. And Ant doesn't run nearly as well as Tebow. So anything could happen.Except Joel winning. That can't happen.
** Still four games down on Dad. Ugh. It's starting to look like another regular season loss for me. I'm 2-12 so far in the 15 years we've been doing this, I think. At some point, you'd assume that I'd take the hint.** Finished sixth (out of 10) in my other fantasy league, thanks to three head-to-head losses of fewer than three points. I will forever hate RB Chris Johnson for my decision to take him over RB Arian "Nation" Foster.
** Related to my earlier rant against Graham Gano, here's an awesome column on why K David Akers is the clear MVP of the league. In other news, the Eagles still aren't going to the post-season.
** Pro-Bowl roster is out. The Eagles have three starters on the NFC squad. Chicago is the only team with more (five) without having a winning record. The starting NFC kicker is, of course, David Akers.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
2011 fantasy recap, week 15
Sunday saw a host of wild upsets, but none were bigger than the Chiefs' win over the undefeated Packers and the Maryland Racial Slurs victory over the first-place Giants. But which of those was the bigger choke job?** Vegas: Giants were 7 pt favorites, Packers were plus 13.5 pts.
BIGGER CHOKE: Packers
** Offense: QB Aaron Rodgers had two TDs, QB Eli Manning had 3 INTs.
BIGGER CHOKE: Giants
** Defense: Packers = 19 pts to a bad team, Giants = 23 pts to a bad team.
BIGGER CHOKE: Giants
** Significance: Packers lost perfect season, Giants hurt playoff chances.
BIGGER CHOKE: Push
** Location: Giants were at home, Packers were on the road.
BIGGER CHOKE: Giants
Verdict: The Packers lost a chance at immortality, but Eli's boys are the ones left gasping for air after that choking fit. Seriously, they lost two to the Deadskins this year. That's just embarrassing.
QB: Drew Brees, 45.38 pts -- started by JoelRB: C.J. Spiller, 35.17 pts -- started by ChampMike
WR: Calvin Johnson, 35.27 pts -- started by NewMike
TE: Aaron Hernandez, 25.20 pts -- started by me
K: Ryan Succop, 14.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Seattle, 32.00 pts -- started by Bobert
D: John Abraham, 13.00 pts -- on the wire
Brees needs to average a whopping 153 passing yards over his last two games to break the NFL single season mark (Dan Marino, 5,084 in 1984. C'mon, I cite this stat every other week. You should have memorized it by now). For reference sake, in his last 32 starts, Brees has only passed for fewer than 200 yards once, and 19 times has thrown for more than 300 yards.
Eagles QB Mike Vick also has a chance to break the single-season passing record, if he can collect a mere 2,410 passing yards over the last two games.
2nd place: Curtis Marsh, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Minnesota, -2.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Denver, -4.00 pts -- on Bobert's bench
Second week in a row Eagles CB Marsh makes this list, thanks to his second turnover on a punt return. For the season, he now sits at -3.60 pts, making him the league's worst fantasy performer to date. He has scored two times worse than the second-place player, Bears backup backup QB Josh McCown (-1.52 pts). And, with limited on-field action likely after those two mistakes, he may hold the title at year's end.
For the record, Marsh sits a mere 447 pts behind the league leader, Packers QB Aaron Rodgers. Although, Marsh's team won this weekend...
The Eagles beating the Jets 45-13 wasn't even the most absurd fact to come out of that game on Sunday. The shocker was that the Jets are now 0-9 all-time against Philadelphia, the most losses for any team in NFL history against another opponent without a win. Here's a few reasons for that domination:** Bad timing by the Jets. In the eight other time the teams met, New York was fielding a sub-.500 team. The Jets have never had a winning season when they're lost to the Eagles.
** Good luck by the Eagles. Five of the nine meetings have been decided by less than a touchdown, and two of those were one-point Philadelphia wins.
** Bad football by the Jets. Out of 31 teams in the NFL, the Jets only have a winning record against nine of them. That includes newcomers like the Texans (5-0) and the Panthers (3-2).
** Also, New York teams stink. Everyone knows that.
Thanks to that win, the Eagles still mathematically have a chance to win the NFC East (actually, just typing that phrase is incredibly stupid) but they'll need everything to fall in place to get it. They need to beat Dallas next win and win their finale against the Maryland Racial Slurs, plus have the Giants win their last game against the Cowboys but lose their contest next Sunday.And to make matters more difficult, they'll have to go on the road next week for their game. They'll play at the New York Jets home stadium.
Which just happens to be their home stadium too.
And that's just stupid.
Throw in the fact that the game is in Jersey, and you get the New York Giants playing an extra home game in a stadium that isn't in New York state. And if you think about that too long, your face ends up looking like Eli Manning's.
The Lions, at 9-5 after their dramatic win over the Raiders Sunday, are on the cusp of their first playoff appearance in 12 years. But it has actually been 20 years since the Lions' last playoff victory, a 38-6 romp over the Dallas Cowboys. Here's a look at just how long ago that was: ** The Lions team was led by Barry Sanders, a good young RB in only his third season in the NFL.
** At the time of the game, the Patriots had zero Super Bowl wins and Tom Brady was a high-school freshman.
** That Cowboys team was led by the young trio of Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith and Michael "I eat children" Irvin, none of whom had yet won a playoff game.
** A few weeks earlier, Falcons QB Brett Farve made his pro debut with a 0-for-4 performance.
** At the time of the game, people thought of the Lions as a good team that had a chance to win the Super Bowl, not as a running joke.
After dozens of anagram insults I assume that I've hit nearly every single cowboy, but a quick search of my files shows that I've never analyzed the name of pro-bowl tight end Jason Witten (who goes by his middle name, instead of his actual first name). That got me thinking ... Maybe it's because, unlike his peers, his name just doesn't shout evil. Maybe he's the one good guy on a team of sadistic phonies. Maybe I've been wrong about this whole column all along.
Cowboys Dallas TE Christopher Jason Witten
Coy jester pin stabs children. Ows. What a tool.
Or maybe I just overlooked him. Stabbing kids with pins? Sounds like a Cowboy to me.
Week 15 standings
Maybe it's Ant's savvy coaching, maybe it's the fact that I left 46 pts on my bench, but with just two weeks left Ant has taken over the top spot again. Paul and Joel are locked into an epic battle for last place too, but it looks like everyone else is all but locked in their final finish spot. But, much like the Eagles, right now no one has been mathematically eliminated from winning the league. ** I'm still four back of Dad in the weekly picks, thanks to the Steelers playing like crap on Monday night. Maybe they should have left the lights off. It couldn't have made Big Ben play any worse. ** There is nothing funnier than the "Eli Manning, Citizen Eco-drive: Unstoppable" wristwatch commercials on a day where dopey threw three picks in an upset loss.
** For the record, the Eagles are also undefeated all-time against the Houston Texans (3-0). When realignment rolls around again, they might want to see if they can get into a Jets-Texans-Rams division.
** Pro-Bowl voting ended last night. I hope you got your votes in for WR DeSean Jackson, because it might be the last game you get to see him wearing Eagles colors before he storms off to another team next season.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
2011 fantasy recap, week 14
Actual Eagles Christmas items for sale on eBay:** Eagles 2011 Merry Christmas Penny: $3.99. This is a penny that has "Go Eagles" stamped on the right. Perfect for family members who complain you wouldn't give them a penny.
** Eagles Christmas Gift Wrap Paper: $6.99. What better way to show your love for the home team than by shredding the logo into little bits?
** Eagles Handmade Christmas Tree Ornament: $2.25. This is either supposed to be an Eagles' helmet or a map of Guam. It's not clear which it's closer to.
** Eagles Christmas Candy Canes: $13.99. Caution: Attempting to eat this on Sunday may cause uncontrollable choking.
** Four tickets for the Eagles/Dallas game Christmas Eve: $599.99. Show your spouse and two close friends how much you hate them by making them watch this game live.
QB: Tony Romo, 36.84 pts -- started by ChampMikeRB: Maurice Jones-Drew, 41.90 pts -- started by me
WR: Marques Colston, 26.00 pts -- started by ChampMike
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 28.67 pts -- started by Ant
K: Mason Crosby, 17.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF: Jacksonville, 32.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Jason Pierre-Paul, 19.00 pts -- started by ChampMike
Four teams in the league were over 150 pts this week, but three top performers (and another 26 pts from WR Larry Fitzgerald) helped make ChampMike the big winner, topping 181 pts and giving him the second-highest score of the season on Sunday (Jo posted a 186 score in week 1). And we were just one lucky defensive guess away from sweeping the top players.
"NFC East stinks" edition3rd place: Josh Johnson, -1.88 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Curtis Marsh, -2.12 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Dallas, -4.00 pts -- started by NewMike
Any week where the Dallas defense is the worst unit in all of football is a good week, even if it means dopey Eli and the G-Men collected a big win.
And I have no idea who Curtis Marsh is or what he did during the Eagles game on Sunday. But if you told me an Eagles player screwed up again, I would have guessed that it was a CB.
** The New York Times in the last 30 days has written 22 stories mentioning Tim Tebow, 18 mentioning Ben Bernake. In fairness, Tebow has more fourth-quarter miracles this year. (Mine)** This is the most I've heard anyone talk about a white Bronco since the OJ Simpson trial. (Not mine)
** How many starting quarterbacks have a better win percentage than Tim Tebow this year (7-1)? Only one -- Aaron Rodgers. (Wait, that's not a joke).
** Tebow's Broncos square off against the Patriots Sunday. If only there was some Bible story about an underdog vs. a giant that sportswriters could use in their stories this week. (Not mine)
** What's the difference between Tim Tebow and Mike Vick? Tebow wins games in the fourth quarter. Also, Vick tortured dogs. (Mine)
Even before the weekend began, my brain was already mush. Watching the intermission show during the Flyers-Penguins game this week, the Versus announcers were chronicling how pre-season favorites were faring. Then they let loose this astute observation:"If the playoffs started today, the Senators would be in and the Capitals would be on the outside watching."
I love making early, ridiculous predictions, but give me a break. The NHL season is barely past the first third of the season. And 16 of the 30 teams make the post-season. Washington could lose all of its game for the next two months (that'd be great, by the way) and still have a chance to make the playoffs.
The only thing stupider than that is noting that the Eagles still have a chance to make the playoffs in the NFL. The Sixers, who start playing games at the end of the month, have already been eliminated from NBA post-season contention.
Five different teams tallied safeties on Sunday, an NFL single-day record (maybe. I really tried to find that stat, but I can't). In tribute to the accomplishment, here's a look at the comedic value of each one.** Eagles: 4th Q, J.Losman sacked in end zone for -8 yards, SAFETY (P.Hunt). Penalty on Miami, face mask.
ANALYSIS ~ At 26-10, the two-pointer really made no difference in the Eagles win, but the face mask penalty on top of an end zone sack is just pathetically hilarious.
** Jets: 4th Q, J.Battle up the middle tackled in end zone for -1 yards, SAFETY (S.Pouha).
ANALYSIS ~ Pretty standard late game sack made the final score 37-10, Jets. But anything involving a Pouha is worth extra comedy points.
** Panthers: 2nd Q, M.Ryan sacked in end zone for -8 yards, SAFETY (A.Applewhite).
ANALYSIS ~ Carolina went up 9-7 on the play and scored a TD on their ensuing drive. Then the surrendered 24 pts in the second half and lost 31-23.
** Raiders: 4th Q, M.Flynn sacked in End Zone for -6 yards, SAFETY (R.McClain).
ANALYSIS ~ Only funny because it came in a Packers blowout win. Aaron Rodgers is the best QB in the game, but his backup Flynn can't do anything right.
** Giants: 1st Q, T.Romo sacked in End Zone for -9 yards, SAFETY (J.Pierre-Paul).
ANALYSIS ~ The points were the first in the game and featured Tony Romo stumbling around at the goal-line like a drunken sailor. I could watch this all day.
Dallas' Felix Jones (aka "Join Elf Sex") is back as the team's starting RB after rookie DeMarco Murray broke his ankle last night. But the fans still see hope that the Cowboys can survive and win the division, right? Right?Dallas Cowboy starting RB Felix Jones
Blind season: Barflys crawl, jog to exits
I assume the ones crawling have had just a bit too much to drink.
Week 14 standings
It's the closest race the league has ever had ... at least up top. Ant and I have distanced ourselves from the field, thanks to another subpar week from NewMike. ** Picked up one on Dad in the weekly picks, so now I'm only four back with three weeks left. Much like the Eagles, I still technically have a shot at winning this whole thing, but it's not good.** The Tampa Bay and Jacksonville game on Sunday was a 41-14 blowout that featured no FGs. That's kinda awesome for a game featuring two unwatchable teams.
** The college bowl games kick off this Saturday with Temple playing Wyoming in the New Mexico Bowl. And of course you should watch that one, but after that you're not allowed to tune into another one until Jan. 1. OK? It's just too much bad football to be healthy.
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
2011 fantasy recap, week 13
The Cowboys and Giants losses on Sunday left the post-season door wide open for the Eagles. Here's all they need to get back into the playoffs this year:** The Eagles win their last four (Dolphins, Jets, Cowboys and Redskins) to finish 8-8.
** The Giants beat the Cowboys twice, but lose to the Redskins and Jets to finish 8-8.
** The Cowboys beat the Bucs but lose those other three games, and finish 8-8.
** The Redskins lose to the Eagles, and finish no better than 7-9.
Then, the three-way tie atop the NFC East would favor the Eagles, with a 5-1 division record topping the Giants' 3-3 record and the Cowboys 2-4 record. If that happens, then the Eagles would get a home playoff game, which would be interrupted at halftime by the four horsemen announcing the destruction of mankind and the end of the world.
Hey, remember when the NFC East was good? Or at least good enough that a 4-8 team had no chance of winning the division?
QB: Cam Newton, 40.36 pts -- started by AntRB: Shonn Greene, 31.53 pts -- on Ant's bench
WR: Percy Harvin, 32.30 pts -- started by Jeff
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 27.47 pts -- started by Ant
K: Connor Barth, 18.00 pts -- on the wire
DEF:(tie) Kansas City, 23.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF:(tie) Pittsburgh, 23.00 pts -- started by ChampMike
DEF:(tie) San Francisco, 23.00 pts -- started by Jo
D: Jared Allen, 13.50 pts -- started by NewMike
You'd think with all those names on the top scorers list that Ant had the best week of any team. But, he didn't.
Also, I hate ties. Copying and pasting that coding two extra times wrecks valuable time I could be spending thinking of Andy Reid jokes. Here's one: What's the difference between an Andy Reid team and a dollar bill? You can get four quarters from the dollar bill. Think of how much better that could have been if I didn't have to type in each of those defenses.
"All QBs you thought retired" edition3rd place:Billy Volek, -0.30 pts -- on the wire
2nd place:Caleb Hanie, -0.38 pts -- on the wire
1st place:Bruce Gradkowski, -1.22 pts -- on the wire
Pittsburgh QB Charlie Batch came in as the 4th worst this week, at -0.20 pts. I was pretty sure Batch had retired after each of Pittsburgh's last two Super Bowl wins. Then again, I thought Caleb Hanie was an usual strain of lupus, not a human being, so I'm clearly not up to speed on my backup QBs.
Think you're ready for college bowl season? See if you can figure out which of these are real bowl games, and which are missed opportunities by lazy advertisers.Answers spelled out down in the News and Notes section.
If you're a regular reader, you know I have no love for the folks ESPN and other sports outlets pay to give fantasy advice. They all have no better idea what they're talking about that you or I. If they did, they wouldn't have spent all of August debating whether Mike Vick was worth the #1 overall fantasy draft spot (as of right now, he's only the 17th best fantasy QB in the league).The worst offenders are the idiots on Fantasy Football Live every Sunday, where they rank dozens of players based on their projections. They had the #1 RB (Greene) on the week ranked 19th and the #2 WR (Pierre Garcon) ranked 33rd, so they weren't close on most of them. But the most idiotic thing I saw was this entry:
WR rankings -- #36 -- Denarius Moore -- OAK -- @Mia -- (inactive)
That "inactive" there meant he was "inactive" for the game, meaning not playing, meaning zero fantasy points. And he wasn't a last-second scratch either; As of Friday, no on thought he would play. The ESPN fantasy experts ranked 50 WRs on that list, so in their eyes, 14 other receivers were going to do worse than a guy who wasn't going to play a down.
In fact, 120 other WRs performed better than Moore on Sunday, menaing you pretty much could have started anyone with a pulse and done better than what ESPN advised.
Seriously, if the whole point of your show is just putting together lists full of guesses, can't you update those on Saturday night? It's not like you're doing more than 15 minutes worth of work the entire week.
With the Eagles projected to get a top-10 pick in next April's draft, here's a quick look at the most likely candidates the Eagles will be looking at:** Riley Reiff, OT, Iowa
-- The big lineman could fill a hole in Mike Vick's protection.
** Quinton Coples, DE, North Carolina
-- Andy Reid never misses a chance to improve the pass rush.
** Matt Kalil, OT, USC
-- The big lineman could fill a hole in Mike Vick's protection.
** Courtney Upshaw, DE, Alabama
-- Andy Reid never misses a chance to improve the pass rush.
** Jonathan Martin, OT, Stanford
-- The big lineman could fill a hole in Mike Vick's protection.
** Les Miles, coach, LSU
-- Maybe if they draft a coach first, we'll get the linebacker we need instead of being stuck with another *@#%&! lineman.
Remember just two weeks back, when I explained the cosmic disgust a Cowboys overtime win causes? In case you forgot, here's that anagram:Dallas Cowboys steal overtime win
Ye lot sad: Villain team crows, we sob.
Well, Jerry's boys dropped an extra-time game this week thanks to some terrible coaching in the fourth quarter and terrible tackling in overtime. That made me wonder: Does an overtime loss by the most evil team in the league cause extra joy? Let's take a look:
Dallas Cowboys suffer an overtime defeat
A fun fad: We do celebrate fools' vast misery
We need those kind of fun fads in the NFL today, now more than ever.
Week 13 standings
Ant and I are starting to pull away from the field, thanks to a pair of great weeks from both our teams. Did you know that my savvy draft strategy landed me the two leading rushers in the league (LeSean McCoy and Maurice Jones-Drew)? Or that I've found a way to stay on top even with Eli Manning dopeying up my entire squad? I hope that serves as an inspiration to you as we head into the final stretch.** Great fantasy week for my team, but an awful weekend for my annual picks with Dad. I dropped all three we had different, putting me five games back with just four weeks left to go. For the record, Dad has a 124-67 record for the year, nearly a 65 percent winning rate. I'm betting ESPN's fantasy experts can't give you any better information than that.** For the record, the only fake bowl games in there are Skittles, Sprite, Geico and UPhoenix. The rest are very, very sadly real.
** Jacksonville has an offensive lineman named Guy Whimper. How have I not made fun of this in the past?
** Broncos S Brian Dawkins had five tackles, a sack and a forced fumble in Denver's big win on Sunday. Not bad for someone too washed up to play in the NFL anymore.
** Thursday night game this week is the Browns at the Steelers. In other news, the NFL still hates you, and that's why they're still scheduling Thursday night games.
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