2011 fantasy recap, week 14

Actual Eagles Christmas items for sale on eBay:

** Eagles 2011 Merry Christmas Penny: $3.99. This is a penny that has "Go Eagles" stamped on the right. Perfect for family members who complain you wouldn't give them a penny.

** Eagles Christmas Gift Wrap Paper: $6.99. What better way to show your love for the home team than by shredding the logo into little bits?

** Eagles Handmade Christmas Tree Ornament: $2.25. This is either supposed to be an Eagles' helmet or a map of Guam. It's not clear which it's closer to.

** Eagles Christmas Candy Canes: $13.99. Caution: Attempting to eat this on Sunday may cause uncontrollable choking.

** Four tickets for the Eagles/Dallas game Christmas Eve: $599.99. Show your spouse and two close friends how much you hate them by making them watch this game live.


QB: Tony Romo, 36.84 pts -- started by ChampMike
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew, 41.90 pts -- started by me
WR: Marques Colston, 26.00 pts -- started by ChampMike
TE: Rob Gronkowski, 28.67 pts -- started by Ant
K: Mason Crosby, 17.00 pts -- started by Jeff
DEF: Jacksonville, 32.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Jason Pierre-Paul, 19.00 pts -- started by ChampMike

Four teams in the league were over 150 pts this week, but three top performers (and another 26 pts from WR Larry Fitzgerald) helped make ChampMike the big winner, topping 181 pts and giving him the second-highest score of the season on Sunday (Jo posted a 186 score in week 1). And we were just one lucky defensive guess away from sweeping the top players.

"NFC East stinks" edition
3rd place: Josh Johnson, -1.88 pts -- on the wire
2nd place: Curtis Marsh, -2.12 pts -- on the wire
1st place: Dallas, -4.00 pts -- started by NewMike

Any week where the Dallas defense is the worst unit in all of football is a good week, even if it means dopey Eli and the G-Men collected a big win.

And I have no idea who Curtis Marsh is or what he did during the Eagles game on Sunday. But if you told me an Eagles player screwed up again, I would have guessed that it was a CB.

** The New York Times in the last 30 days has written 22 stories mentioning Tim Tebow, 18 mentioning Ben Bernake. In fairness, Tebow has more fourth-quarter miracles this year. (Mine)

** This is the most I've heard anyone talk about a white Bronco since the OJ Simpson trial. (Not mine)

** How many starting quarterbacks have a better win percentage than Tim Tebow this year (7-1)? Only one -- Aaron Rodgers. (Wait, that's not a joke).

** Tebow's Broncos square off against the Patriots Sunday. If only there was some Bible story about an underdog vs. a giant that sportswriters could use in their stories this week. (Not mine)

** What's the difference between Tim Tebow and Mike Vick? Tebow wins games in the fourth quarter. Also, Vick tortured dogs. (Mine)

Even before the weekend began, my brain was already mush. Watching the intermission show during the Flyers-Penguins game this week, the Versus announcers were chronicling how pre-season favorites were faring. Then they let loose this astute observation:

"If the playoffs started today, the Senators would be in and the Capitals would be on the outside watching."

I love making early, ridiculous predictions, but give me a break. The NHL season is barely past the first third of the season. And 16 of the 30 teams make the post-season. Washington could lose all of its game for the next two months (that'd be great, by the way) and still have a chance to make the playoffs.

The only thing stupider than that is noting that the Eagles still have a chance to make the playoffs in the NFL. The Sixers, who start playing games at the end of the month, have already been eliminated from NBA post-season contention.

Five different teams tallied safeties on Sunday, an NFL single-day record (maybe. I really tried to find that stat, but I can't). In tribute to the accomplishment, here's a look at the comedic value of each one.

** Eagles: 4th Q, J.Losman sacked in end zone for -8 yards, SAFETY (P.Hunt). Penalty on Miami, face mask.
ANALYSIS ~ At 26-10, the two-pointer really made no difference in the Eagles win, but the face mask penalty on top of an end zone sack is just pathetically hilarious.

** Jets: 4th Q, J.Battle up the middle tackled in end zone for -1 yards, SAFETY (S.Pouha).
ANALYSIS ~ Pretty standard late game sack made the final score 37-10, Jets. But anything involving a Pouha is worth extra comedy points.

** Panthers: 2nd Q, M.Ryan sacked in end zone for -8 yards, SAFETY (A.Applewhite).
ANALYSIS ~ Carolina went up 9-7 on the play and scored a TD on their ensuing drive. Then the surrendered 24 pts in the second half and lost 31-23.

** Raiders: 4th Q, M.Flynn sacked in End Zone for -6 yards, SAFETY (R.McClain).
ANALYSIS ~ Only funny because it came in a Packers blowout win. Aaron Rodgers is the best QB in the game, but his backup Flynn can't do anything right.

** Giants: 1st Q, T.Romo sacked in End Zone for -9 yards, SAFETY (J.Pierre-Paul).
ANALYSIS ~ The points were the first in the game and featured Tony Romo stumbling around at the goal-line like a drunken sailor. I could watch this all day.

Dallas' Felix Jones (aka "Join Elf Sex") is back as the team's starting RB after rookie DeMarco Murray broke his ankle last night. But the fans still see hope that the Cowboys can survive and win the division, right? Right?

Dallas Cowboy starting RB Felix Jones
Blind season: Barflys crawl, jog to exits

I assume the ones crawling have had just a bit too much to drink.

Week 14 standings

It's the closest race the league has ever had ... at least up top. Ant and I have distanced ourselves from the field, thanks to another subpar week from NewMike.

** Picked up one on Dad in the weekly picks, so now I'm only four back with three weeks left. Much like the Eagles, I still technically have a shot at winning this whole thing, but it's not good.

** The Tampa Bay and Jacksonville game on Sunday was a 41-14 blowout that featured no FGs. That's kinda awesome for a game featuring two unwatchable teams.

** The college bowl games kick off this Saturday with Temple playing Wyoming in the New Mexico Bowl. And of course you should watch that one, but after that you're not allowed to tune into another one until Jan. 1. OK? It's just too much bad football to be healthy.