2011 fantasy recap, week 16

Next weekend's Cowboys/Giants contest is the game to watch for even casual football fans: It's a winner-take-all season finale, with the victor headed to the post-season and the loser headed home in shame. But, considering the two teams involved are both inherently evil, viewers should be careful watching. Here's how to observe it properly:

** DO root for a tie. It would give the Giants the division title, but it would be embarrassing for both sides.
** DO NOT look directly at QB Eli Manning's eyes. You might catch dopeyness.
** DO keep mentioning that whichever team wins, they're the worst of the 12 playoff teams.
** DO NOT be fooled into thinking RB Felix Jones is competent. The Giants' defense is just that bad.
** DO root for a safety. There was one the last time these two teams played, and it was hilarious.
** DO NOT root for the Cowboys. I don't care, they're always the greater of two evils.

QB: Aaron Rodgers, 43.12 pts -- started by Bobert
RB: Arian Foster, 25.87 pts -- started by Ant
WR: Jordy Nelson, 25.67 pts -- started by Ant
TE: Jared Cook, 25.27 pts -- sitting on Bobert's bench
K: Graham Gano, 17.50 pts -- on the wire
DEF: Buffalo, 32.00 pts -- on the wire
D: Spencer Johnson, 11.00 pts -- on the wire

Aaron Rogers in the top performers again. What a shocker.

But a big congrats to Gano, one of the worst kickers in the history of the NFL, for posting yet another high-scoring week. Gano is 13-for-13 in the month of December for the Maryland Racial Slurs, amazing when you consider that he has missed 20 FG attempts in his 35-game NFL career. He has missed on nearly one of every three FG tries, and has two extra-point misses to add to his resume.

It should be noted that the Maryland team is 12-23 since Gano started, and 5-7 in games decided by less than three points. I'm not saying it's his fault. I'm just pointing out that he's not helping.

"No defense" edition
2nd place: Atlanta, -1.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: (TIE) Tampa Bay, -5.00 pts -- on the wire
1st place: (TIE) Chicago, -5.00 pts -- started by Dad

Combined, those three defenses this week allowed 122 offensive points (you can't blame them for fumbles returned for TDs). Incidentally, the St. Louis Rams have scored 120 pts in 11 games since their week five bye. I guess the lesson here is that someone always has it worse than you. Unless you're the Rams, of course.

Saints QB Drew Brees broke the single-season passing record Monday night with a nine-yard TD pass late in the fourth quarter, giving him 5,087 yards in just 15 games. Just how long is that? It translates into:

** 3 full trips down Bourbon Street, plus another quarter mile.
** 10.5 Sears Tower buildings, stacked on top of each other.
** 2,543.5 Reggie Bushes, stacked on top of each other.
** 1 trip around Daytona Speedway, plus another .4 miles.
** 16,648 footballs, stacked end to end.
** 118 more yards that QB Mike Vick has collected in his last 20 games.

Verizon has been running a cell phone commercial (maybe they've finally stopped, now that the holiday is over) that shows a man jumping out of an airplane sans parachute, then throwing a pulsing ball of energy into a cloud to start a lightning storm. As a bolt strikes the ground, another man goes running towards ground zero, discovering the new, revolutionary phone.

In small letters underneath the whole commercial, there's this standard warning: "Do not try this at home."

Here's my question: What am I supposed to not try? The running towards lightning to get free gifts or the throwing an energy orb into a cloud while in freefall? I understand the legal reasons for putting those warnings on, but I really can't imagine what I could copy from this commercial. If I could create lightning storms just for kicks, I'd be doing it all the time, no matter what some commercial tells me. And stealing cell phones tossed down from Olympus by Zeus is always good advice.

The Giants and Cowboys may be the premiere NFC East game next week, but that's not the only division contest. Earlier on Sunday, the Eagles and Maryland Racial slurs will square off to see which team finishes last in the division (Nah, it'll be the Slurs either way). Think that's not enough reason to stay riveted to your TV? Here are some other things to watch for:

** Eagles RB LeSean McCoy sits 203 yards shy the team's single season rushing record of 1,512 yards. If he gets it, will anyone care?

** A loss by the Slurs and wins by a few other teams could move them into the top five in next year's draft. If that happens, will anyone care?

** Eagles QB Mike Vick sits just 32 yards away from his second consecutive 3,000-yard passing season. If he gets it, will anyone care?

** Eagles DE Jason Babin has 18 sacks on the season, three short of the team single season record. If he gets four, will anyone care?

** Slurs QB Rex Grossman is tied for the league lead with 19 INTs, albeit in 3 fewer games than his competitors. If he throws a few more, will anyone care?

** Eagles coach Andy Reid has lead his teams to only two losing seasons in his 12 previous seasons. If he avoids a third on Sunday, will anyone care?

** Reports of UFO activity over major U.S. cities have increased in recent years. If both teams were abducted at halftime of the game, will anyone care?

Speaking of that big Giants/Cowboys game, if fragile RB Felix Jones can’t go for the Dallas squad on Sunday, they’ll have to rely on Sammy Morris – signed by the team just two weeks ago – to shoulder their ground attack. You might think that someone who just joined the team wouldn’t have his evil erupt out right away, but you’d be wrong. Just look at what his name clearly spells:

New Dallas Cowboy Running Back Sammy Morris III
Sorry I maimed you all? No. Wincing barbs, smacks win.

He’s giving III’s everywhere a bad name with that “win no matter who you hurt” attitude.

Week 16 standings

Another huge week for Anthony (179 pts) just about sews up his first Awesome Cup championship. Of course, the Denver Broncos looked like they had the playoffs wrapped up a few weeks ago, and they're still sweating it out with one game left. And Ant doesn't run nearly as well as Tebow. So anything could happen.

Except Joel winning. That can't happen.

** Still four games down on Dad. Ugh. It's starting to look like another regular season loss for me. I'm 2-12 so far in the 15 years we've been doing this, I think. At some point, you'd assume that I'd take the hint.

** Finished sixth (out of 10) in my other fantasy league, thanks to three head-to-head losses of fewer than three points. I will forever hate RB Chris Johnson for my decision to take him over RB Arian "Nation" Foster.

** Related to my earlier rant against Graham Gano, here's an awesome column on why K David Akers is the clear MVP of the league. In other news, the Eagles still aren't going to the post-season.

** Pro-Bowl roster is out. The Eagles have three starters on the NFC squad. Chicago is the only team with more (five) without having a winning record. The starting NFC kicker is, of course, David Akers.